Curriculum Night (Open House)

Tonight was 'Curriculum Night' at Super Girl's school. From 6:30 pm to 8 pm. Have I mentioned that I'm still sick? I'm sure I have, if not I'm sure my lovely cough and constant nose blowing would be a dead give away. I've reached the peak of my illness I believe. I'm to the point that the non-drowsiness super strength medicine no longer makes me feel peppy and energetic, just not quite so sleepy and allows me to breath freely through both nostrils for several minutes before having to blow my nose to have unobstructed air-flow again. I know... to much sharing. Sorry, my judgement is impared by Nightquil. I've been running a low fever also. This makes me feel intermitantly cold and hot. Curently I'm hot. I'm sweaty and I feel as though someone is holding a blow torch on my face and back. I feel like that after any physical exerstion as well. Life is great. Anyway, as I was saying tonight was open house at Super Girl's school and I was determined to go. When K got home about 6 pm I was laying on the sofa trying to convince the Little People to be very quiet and still and that they wanted to nap with mom - my attempts were in vain. While the Little People put shoes on I went to the bathroom to paint my face a shade that didn't resemble a ghoul in my attempt to not look like an extra from "Night Of The Living Dead" (love that movie). I'm guessing I accomplished my goal as no one ran screaming from the room when we arrived.

We commence learing of the Curriculum as promised by the title of the event. I'm not really sure what I learned other than they no longer give out letter grades and that for the normal adult the tiny little kindergarten chairs become uncomfortable and nearly debilitating after 20 or so minutes of sitting in one. I couldn't really focus on the presentation after a few moments, I was mostly concentrating on trying not to cough all over the other parents around me so as to not frighten the other people in the room into thinking (rightfully so) that I was just a walking bio-hazzard.

After the open house it was off to Chick Fil'a for dinner. I had the chicken noodle soup which apparently is only to be served at mouth scalding temperatures of near molton lava. By the time that everyone had finished their food my soup was finaly cool enough to eat. By that time I had lost interest in the soup and was pineing for my bottle of green elixer of relief and blissful sleep (Nightquil). I snapped the lid on the soup and we headed home.

Currently the Little People are off to bed, K is on the sofa playing with the gerbil (no that's not a lead in to a gay joke) and I'm wondering if it is safe to take a double shot of Nightquil while waiting for that delightfull sleepy feeling to take over ensureing that whether or not my nasal passages are completly obstructed with mucus I will be blissfully unaware and will sleep like the dead.

Oh yeah, K is a comedian some days. Tonight on the way home after asking me how I felt and getting the reply of "sick" he said "You need to get some rest." Heh. I think he was serious. Ya know I'd call in if I had a back up mom to come take my place. ;o)

The Babysitter

This morning I woke in the wee hours - 3:30 am. All of my severe cold/sinus/allergy medication had finished it's work in my system and I needed another fix to make it through the night. For some reason I was wide awake though still desperately tired. Damn. I hate that. I took another hit from the bottle of soothing, comfort and whacky dreams of healing - Nightquil. I knew this was a bad idea as I would be smacking the alarm in a mere 3 hours but I needed more sleep. When the alarm buzzed at 6:30 am I was very tired.

After getting Super Girl on the school bus, Cabbage Patch and I headed home where I enlisted the aid of The Babysitter for some much needed rest. Who is The Babysitter? Why the VCR and DVD players of course. I feel a bit guilty (as well as just feeling like shit being sick) even though I needed the couple of hours of sleep that the two videos alowed me.

Tuesday Night

I'd like to take a moment to thank our sponsors TheraFlu and Nightquil for tonights post.

I haven't actually taken any Theraflu tonight, but I have been sucking that stuff down in the past couple of nights. Tonight it's exclusively Nightquil. I'm feeling pretty good right now.

Dog Humiliation



I didn't do this, D did. It's nice to know that other people enjoy humiliating their pets as much as I do.

Is It Love?

You MUST read this story.

My favorite line in the story: Police said that they had considerable difficulty separating the drunken man from his partner.

Are You Compatible With ME?

I'm an irredeemably eejitous, liberal, tight as fuck, pathetically simple-minded, dribbling child!(and I'm cute!)
See how compatible you are with me!
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

*sniffle* I'm Sick

Apparently K has okayed the government to do viral experiments on me again. I'm feeling like shit. I just want to snuggle under my covers in a Nightquil induced sleep while dreaming naughty thoughts about XXX, but alas, that is not to happen as the responsibilities of parenthood prevent me from such chemically induced bliss.

I have managed to find some partial and temporary relief in store brand non drowsiness cold/sinus/allergy medicine. The effects last from 6-8 hours not to exceed 4 doses in a 24 hour period, keep in dry place, store at room temperature... Stop using if you get nervous, dizzy or sleepless (actually the sleepless part is what I'm aiming for otherwise I'd be chugging Nightquil and snoozing all day). Now the recommended dose for an adult (which I am, regardless of how immature I may act, I still AM a big girl) is 2 tablets. Friday after dragging Cabbage Patch to the store to procure the abovementioned tablets, I took the recommended dosage. When it kicked in I felt as though I had downed the pills with three espressos. I felt better, oh yeah I felt better, fuck I swear I could feel my hair growing! I was bouncing off the walls. Since then I've keep my consumption to one tablet every 6 hours, I'm not bouncing off the walls but it sure was a breeze to get all my laundry done yesterday.

Freak Friday

I was thinking about something and it occured to me that 'Freak' is an appropriate descriptive of my life. Let me explain. Tonight's trip to Wally-World left me with a throbbing headache and stiff neck after a freak incident where Super Girl bumped me hard against the side of my head while getting out of the basket, this would not be anything except for the freak accident that happened 5 years ago where my car got totaled by a van leaving me with a bulging disk in my neck. It's never really bothered me until tonight.

It's rather freaky that I have a gay husband. Even freakier that we are great friends and I know his boyfriend. I tend to be a freak magnet (read my bus trip post sometime if you have doubts) and I like to get my freak on with my ever so hot and sexy boyfriend XXX.

Yeah, I'm your freak.

Busy Day

D took Cabbage Patch for the day. I have the day to myself - at least until 3:45 pm when Super Girl get's home from school.

When I get a free day people always ask what I"m going to do and inevitibly I say "clean house". I always get shit for this, but honestly I like to be able to clean without having a little person make a mess right behind me. I like my house clean. Hell I'll clean other people's houses - just ask XXX, I always clean his place when I'm there alone. I know I'm insane.

Cleaning isn't the only thing I have planned though. I have a sewing project I am going to finish as well as some art work... and laundry.

Well I'm off to do my stuff.

A Beautiful Day In The Hood

I'm fine. Don't worry about me. Ignore that last post.

I Am The Mayor Of Dorkville!

So last week I go to blow dry my hair straight and my blow dryer won't work. Hmmm... It's older than my children so I guess it's time for it to die. I don't throw above mentioned hair dryer away as I have a small drop of hope within me that maybe it's just tired and will work later.

Today, I wash my hair and really want it straight. I turn on dryer. Nothing. I press reset button on hair dryer cord. Nothing. I unplug hair dryer and mess with reset button on outlet. Nothing. Wait... Wait... I notice that no matter how much I push the reset button on the outlet, the button won't reset. Hmmm... Could it be? Maybe the dryer isn't broke. Maybe it's the outlet. Then I have a flash of clarity. I remembered that the day we attended the wedding (July 31), I was curling Super Girl's hair using the curling iron. At one point it made a popping noise then the curling iron wouldn't turn back on. I assumed that meant that the curling iron (also older than my children - maybe even older than my marriage) was broken and I tossed it in the trash. Super Girl's hair was finished thankfully. Today when I remembered that I wondered if maybe I had just overloaded the breaker. A trip to the breaker box answered that question. One switch was tripped. I rectified the situation and headed back to the bathroom. The hair dryer worked. I have lovely straight hair. Of course this means that the curling iron probably wasn't broke either.

Words

Do you ever just wish you could take something back that you said? I usually don't worry about it. Today is different. I feel like I said something to someone that I should have kept to myself. Something that makes me seem petty and selfish and self centered. Maybe I am. I suppose I'd be the last one to recognize those character flaws.

Anyway, I feel as though I've lost something and I'm not sure what. Like I was talking to someone and suddenly realized they weren't with me anymore. It's a bad feeling. The worst part is that I'm possitive I'm blowing all of this out of proportion.

I can't write about this anymore, I don't know if I can make sense out of it to anyone. I'll feel better in the morning.

Thank You Note



I just finished this Thank You note. I'm not sure I like it all that well. It was something different.

I have a few more to get done. Not sure what they'll look like though.

Another Stupid Quiz


Nick Cave... dark and creepy. You're a bi-polar
genius, with equal passion for the most
degrading aspects of humanity, as well as the
beauty & wonder of God and Heaven.


Which fucked-up genius composer are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


I only posted the results because of A's love of Nick Cave.

More Than You Cared To Know About Me

(Any question that doesn't apply to me I'll either make it more intersting or just fucking lie to make it more interesting)

1. Your name spelled backwards.
yduj - What the fuck? Is this a drunk test?
2. Where were your parents born?
Mom - San Antonio TX, Dad someplace in Vermont I think.
3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
Porn
4. What’s your favorite restaurant?
Scilly's, a local Itallian place. mmmmm...
5. Last time you swam in a pool?
I don't go in pools, I fear that people have urinated in them and I refuse to swim in other people's waste. Also I refuse the scare people by wearing a bathing suit.
6. Have you ever been in a school play?
Does being the head of costuming count?
7. How many kids do you want?
Currently just the two I birthed, occasionally not even that many.
8. Type of music you dislike most?
rap, pop, anything that gives me homicidal yearnings.
9. Are you registered to vote?
Like I could NOT be registerd to vote with Mr. Politically Active Gay Man in the same house.
10. Do you have cable?
No, I have the internet.
11. Have you ever ridden on a moped?
Once and the guy driving it scared the shit out of me so I never did again.
12. Ever prank call anybody?
Hell yeah, I grew up before caller ID.
13. Ever get a parking ticket?
No, that's a stupid question.
14. Would you go bungee jumping or skydiving?
Either if I was drunk enough.
15. Farthest place you ever traveled.
Canada - yes I know that's lame.
16. Do you have a garden?
I have a collection of potted things that occasionally look nice outside my door, this I sometimes like to pretend is an actual garden and friends humor me.
17. What’s your favorite comic strip?
Dilbert. My former step father used to call me Dogbert because I'm basically EVIL.
18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?
Probably not, but I can fake it enough to make it through at the beginning of a sporting event.
19. Bath or Shower, morning or night?
Shower, morning. Baths creep me out after a few moments, sitting in ones own filth and all.
20. Best movie you’ve seen in the past month?
Kill Bill vol. 1. I rented it a couple of weeks ago.
21. Favorite pizza topping?
peperoni and mushrooms or XXX ;o)
22. Chips or popcorn?
For what? Neither really. Dumb question. Better question: Vodka or Rum? Vodka!
23. What color lipstick do you usually wear?
Some all day stuff that's call Rosey something or other. I really should write it down because I never remember when I need more and end up buying 6 or so of the wrong color before I find it again.
24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
What? That doesn't even make sense. I've smoked cigarets and pot. I don't smoke anything now.
25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
Yeah right, that's a stupid question. Yeah I won the "Miss Biggest Butt" title.
26. Orange Juice or apple?
Depends on what booze I have to mix with it.
27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine?
The family, Wattaburger. Yeah, only fine dining for me.
28. Favorite type chocolate bar?
Reeces Peanutbutter cups. Twix.
29. When was the last time you voted at the polls?
Last time K drug me to vote.
30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
Last November when my retarded tomato plant finally produced tomatoes.
31. Have you ever won a trophy?
no
32. Are you a good cook?
Hell yeah.
33. Do you know how to pump your own gas?
duh. Who DOESN'T?
34. Ever order an article from an infomercial?
No. Never even been tempted.
35. Sprite or 7-up?
Neither, stupid question again. Better question: Beer or wine coolers? Wine coolers are for gay men. I'd take beer over wine coolers.
36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?
Nooooooo.
37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy?
Condoms.
38. Ever throw up in public?
Stupid question. New question: Ever have sex in public? yes.
39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?
Hmmm.... Both, I want it all.
40. Do you believe in love at first sight?
I used to not believe in it, but then I met a fabulous man who I fell maddly in love with the moment I set eyes on him. I'm generally a skeptic and very jaded so I tried not to be 'in love' for a while - didn't change a thing, I still am in love.
41. Ever call a 1-900 number?
No, but I've worked one before. Want me to call and talk dirty to you?
42. Can ex’s be friends?
Yeah, K and I are still the best of friends.

43. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital?
Father in law for heart attack.

44. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby?
So I've heard. Who cares really?
45. What message is on your answering machine?
Death threats
46. What’s your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character?
Cheri O'Teri has this bit she does where she plays this whacked out house wife. She did a skit with Brendon Fraiser at a pharmacy. It was hysterical.
47. What was the name of your first pet?
A gray cat named Smokey. Followed by another gray cat named Smokey and another named Smokey. I finally got the message that I was not destined to have a gray cat named Smokey and gave up on that one.
48. What is in your purse?
Well I don't carry a vibrator in there anymore so nothing interesting. I mean everyone carries condoms, lube and small sex toys.
49. Favorite thing to do before bedtime?
Abuse BOB.
50. What is one thing you are grateful for today?
XXX, Today and everyday -

Oh, Did I Say That?

Anyone who knows me well knows that at times my internal filter doesn't work. (Internal filter, as in the filter in your brain that keeps you from saying something assinine like "My grandmother has that very same dress!" to your friend who was just showing off her new dress.) Usually my filter does work. Yesterday at the pool party it worked fine for the most part. A couple of times it didn't.

One time I was sitting with Discontented Lesbian, her little boy, one of Rickie's daughters, K and The Little People. Something about names came up. Discontented Lesbian mentioned that her son's name was Dustin not Justin (as Rickie's daughter had been calling him), they discuss kid names for a couple of minutes then I say "Some people name their kids screwed up things." As you can guess the conversation came to a screeching stop. That's not how I meant it to come out. I clairified and said what I meant, thereby avoiding a big nasty event of Discontented Lesbian kicking the shit out of me.

The other time, I'm still chatting with Discontented Lesbian. We are talking pets. I mention how I hate owning dogs. For some reason this irritated Discontented Lesbian, I don't know why. I explained that I like dogs, I just hate owning one. Not sure why that got to her really.

Luckily there was plenty of eating and drinking going on at the party so I didn't mar the party to much with my foot being in my mouth too many times.

How To Piss Of My Cat

My cat is the nicest cat in the world (well unless you are a dog or a tasty rodent). I've had someone offer me money for the cat and had more than one person ask if they could have her. She's a nice cat. She puts up with the Little People torturing her on a daily basis and has rarely even scratched them. She allows me to take the humiliating photos of her in hats and collars and doesn't protest. There is almost nothing that will make this cat angry enough to be mean. Almost. Sunshine hates having her claws trimmed. She becomes psycho kitty. Luckily she's a small cat so holding onto her is not that difficult. Today as I clipped the nails of the squirming cat, she had enough of that indignity and let out an inhuman howl (well of course it was inhuman, she's a cat) and bit me - hard! The cat literally bit the hand that feeds her! Didn't do her any good, I smacked her on the head and finished clipping her nails.

Pool Fun

Yesterday K, B, myself and the Little People went to a pool party for the Gay Parenting group we are a part of. I initially had considered ditching the party as K was bringing B with him and I really dislike being the third wheel. I decided to go though. I don't do pools as I refuse to torture the general public let alone people I do know and like by subjecting anyone to see me in a bathing suit. *shudders* I haven't even owned a swim suit in over 15 years. My reasons for going obviously had nothing to do with the pool and everything to do with the party. The hosts of the party were Rickey and Rickie - they were actually my reasons for going - I met them at the first group meeting and became fast friends with them.

So we show up about 30 minutes late for the party. The Little People were in the pool within seconds of arriving leaving me to stand around and chat with the other non-swimming party-goers. That would be The Discontented Stay At Home Mom Lesbian - we'll call her The Discontented Lesbian just to make it easy. We sat and chatted while our kids had fun. She was nice enough, but she didn't seem all that happy. Her daughter had just started kindergarten like Super Girl. She told me this story: Her daughter started school and made a friend. The daughter and friend ate lunch together every day. One day when Discontented Lesbian was picking up daughter from school, Friend's mom mentions how much friend talks about daughter and suggests they make a play date. Discontented Lesbian says what a great idea that is and then makes a big deal of explaining to Friend's mom that daughter has two moms and no dad. Friend's mom said that wasn't a problem and everyone left to go home. The next day when Discontented Lesbian was picking up daughter, Friend's mom said how she was okay with the whole lesbian thing BUT that her HUSBAND wasn't so no-go on the play date. Discontented Lesbian mentioned how she was offended by that, etc. I can understand that and I sympathize, I even empathize as I've been shunned by a mom's group because K is gay. BUT... When she got to the part about having told the parent about her being a lesbian I wanted to ask her WHY she felt it was necessary to do that? I'm not saying hide it or anything like that, but why tell her the first time she meets her? Why define one's self by one's sexuality? Why not just make the play date, get to know the mom and if it comes up deal with it then?

Anyway, we had a nice time. We were the last people to leave, I swear I could have talked all freaking night long. Rickey and Rickie are so entertaining, they have a FABULOUS house and their kids are great. The Little People had so much fun and they got balloons to take home - woohoo!

An Entry From The Gerbil Diaries...

Dear Diary,

My stay here has now been over a week. I am still in the small enclosure. The walls are of an unknown substance that is smooth and I can see through it. It is not unlike the commune I lived in when I was young (ahh thoes were the days). I scratch at it several times a day but have not made any progress at an escape tunnel.

Apparently my captors are keeping me in solitary confinement indefinitly. My captors are huge giants who provide me with the basics, a place to sleep, water and food. They seem mostly benign even bordering on benevolent. However I am continually guarded by two shifty preditors. For some reason the presence of the preditors do not alarm the giants therefore I am untrusting of the giants. The preditors stand below me and stare at me with their hungry eyes. This is a constant. I am asumeing this is some kind of torture.

Speaking of torture how could I forget to mention the tiny giants. They are miniature versions of the giants and they make a lot more noise. Several times a day they peer into the enclosure and bang on the sides generally while I am sleeping.

Every day I am given an chance to escape as the giants remove me from the enclosure and allow me an escape attempt. It is always frought with danger and occasionally includes participation of the tiny giants which seems to up the danger of the game much more. Have I mentioned that during these exercises the giants hold me while the preditors watch from below? You have no idea the stress I live with.

I must go for now.

Bea (Bubonic Plague)

Yes I know I'm insane. I amuse myself though.

Slang

Due to L using the term 'Porking' in a post yesterday - I've been giggling and thinking of odd slang for sex.

In my search I came across some 'approved Christian slang' for sex. hehehe...
Emissionary Work
Insemenary School
The "Damned if you do..."
Proclaiming His name
Making a glorious noise
A broad missionary position
Daddy's Slip n' Slide
Doing the Lords work
Parting the red 'C'
Sharing the secret recipe
Putting a round in the chamber
Ignoring the clitoris
Dying and going to heaven

Some of thoes are just stupid.

And now for the NON Chrisitian approved

Fucking
Screwing
Porking
Makin' Bacon
Riding the pony
Slopping hogs
Grynding
"O" facing
Bumping pretties
Worth-the-herpes
banging
boffing
bonking
get it on
lay
nooky (love this one)
getting a piece of ass
poke
poontang
quicky
shag
make whoopee (I believe that was a popular activity in the 70's with newlyweds)
drill
ball
servicing
lovin’
humping
pumping
diddling
spooning
tupping
sleep with
make love
make it
do it
go at it
get it on
get some
get the little man wet
get the dick wet
wet the Willie
put the weiner in the bun
make a meat sandwich
dip the stick
party or party-on-down
to dick-dip or dick diving
roll in the hay, mattress polo
coffee table or pool table lumbago
fusion & fission
slamming
getting in/into the pink or getting the pink
performing the wifely duty
pickle-poking
get oil changed
score
cranking

So there it is. Next time you're at a loss on how to phrase your latest exploits while bragging to your friends, refer to the list. Good night and happy pickle-poking.

Babies



This morning we saw an unexpected sight - three baby ducks! I thought at first it was three baby geese as there was a Big Ass goose standing next to the three baby ducks. I guess she was baby sitting.

Ducks

Here are some photos of the ducks Cabbage Patch and I feed in the mornings. Some of the ducks are unique looking and I've named them (what? I've got to entertain myself ya know!).



Cow and Hairy.



These are Spot and the White Pair - they are always together.

Photos




This guy was hanging outside my door the other day, the kids insisted it was a leaf that was a grasshopper not a grasshopper who looked like a leaf.

Piggy Problems

I'm a dumbass sometimes. A few days ago after cleaning the Little People's room I brought Piggy down to be washed. Piggy is one of Cabbage Patch's favorite bedtime toys. She loves pigs. This piggy is really soft and is filled with these little white pellet things. Makes for a very huggable piggy.

Anyway, I brought Piggy down to wash. I noticed a small tear along the seamline in the back. I looked closely and it looked as though piggy had a lining under it's first piggy layer. I looked, I shook piggy, I checked if pellets fell out. Nothing. It appeared that piggy was in no danger of pellet leakage.

Piggy got tossed in the wash with everything else. 30 minutes later I entered the laundry room to discover white pellets all over the top of the washer, all over the inside of the washer. Shit. Piggy actually looked pretty good despite the pellet loss. Piggy got put on the table to dry. The dryer filtered out the pellets on the clothes - most of them. It's days later and many wash loads ago that the Piggy incident happened yet my washer is still burping up white pellets all over my clothes. I'm wondering if this makes all my clothes pretend unKosher since they all have been washed in pretend Piggy innerds?

Real Life -vs- The Internet

Watch this.

Something Stupid For Today

	Opportunity will knock ...or maybe it's a hungry grizzly bar..... Ma!, git mah gun!

Billy's Weird...cat...thing tells your fortune!

Stupid Conversations Or The Shit That Comes Out Of My Mouth

This is how a conversation just went between me and K.

K: Do you want to say good night to Bea (the gerbil)? (question not directed to me, but to the youngest of my offspring)
Me: Do you want a drink of beer Bea? (moving beer toward Bea)
K: *shooting me surprised yet dirty look*
Me: Kidding.
K: Yeah... *putting Bea back in cage*
Me: (whispering) It's okay Bea, I'll give you some when he's gone. Just a little bottle cap full should be enough.
K: *shooting me another dirty look*
Me: Kidding! Kidding! You can stop giving me that 'I'm gonna call PETA on you, I better take the poor gerbil to work with me tomorrow' look! You know I'd never do that. Come on, have I ever drugged our children?
K: Yes.
Me: Uh! No, I'm not talking about the Benadryl times, I mean illegal things! Besides there were VERY few Benadryl times.
K: *Walking away, rolling eyes.*
Me: *shaking head as he walks away, just knowing my chances of getting Mother Of The Year are once again dashed.*

And now - a conversation between me and XXX.

XXX: why do you want an Oompa Loompa?
Me: Who wouldn't want one????!!!
XXX: ummm, me
XXX: their creepy
Me: Oh well.. Ok.
Me: It would be fun to make them sing their song a few times then make them clean the house
XXX: scrub the toliet you orange freak!
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

heh, god I love that man.

More Letters In My Head

Dear Sir In The White Van;

Thank you for making my driving experience eventful this afternoon. It's not often that some enormous prick fails to yield while entering the highway nearly plowing into my little white car causing me to slam on my breaks. To top it all off you lovingly told me I was number one when I alerted you to your asshole status in this world by honking my horn.

It really is a pity that although you did exit at the same exit I did, you did turn the opposite direction. I was having nearly orgasmic fantasies involving you and me - yes you and me. I would have loved to tell you exactly how much of an inconsiderate fuck-head you were and how I was surprised the DMV would give licenses to such brainless monkeys. But alas my pleasure was never to be discovered as you made a U-turn and I had to fill up. Fucker.

In closing I'd like to say, have a nice day and please try to pull your head out of your ass before you drive next.

Sincerely,
The Bitch You Almost Hit

Dear Friends and Family Who Claim To Love Me;

Why do you secretly hate me? Really, why? Is it my outspoken nature? Is it that you think I don't have any hobbies or interests to occupy my time? Is it because I'm beautiful? Do you hate me because I'm beautiful? (heh, kidding) Or is it my big butt? Whatever it is, please find other ways to torture me other than buying my children shit-loads of toys for me to continually clean up. I spent 2 hours cleaning the toy area today. Two fucking hours! Picking up tiny doll dresses and doll furniture, sorting blocks and stuffing play clothes into bins. I took a large box and a half full garbage bag of crap to the dumpster. Toys with missing pieces, things I just could not bear to pick up even one more time, broken crayons, things I couldn't identify other than it being a toy.... you name it. Please find other ways to lavish your attention and love on my progeny. Books are good, clothes work, art supplies are wonderful, money is great, stocks and bonds work also. No more dolls with a collection of tiny little pieces and accessories to loose, no more stuffed animals, no more plastic crap to break, no more fucking McCrappy Meal toys!!! Honestly, the Little People have toys, plenty of toys, enough toys to take care of all the children in a small third world country I believe. If you really do love me, you will restrain yourself. If you really do hate me please find other ways to torture me/kill me. Poison, Voodoo dolls, steak through the heart, silver bullets, a cross, garlic... no wait... I love garlic... I digress.

Much warmth,

Judy

Virtual Vacation

No, no I'm not planning another fictitious vacation with imaginary people to far off destinations again. It's the Little People. Being little has some serious advantages. Cartoons are more than just escapism; they are an extension of reality. To them things that exist in cartoons most certainly exist in real life, people in cartoons are real Technicolor friends and fantasy fun lands that only exist on the television are most certainly places to plan a vacation to.

I've gotten used to the sudden begging that happens anytime the Little People see a Disney Land commercial. Advertisements for 6 Flags Over Texas cause a similar reaction and actually driving past the 'magical wonderland' of 6 Flags can spark begging, crying, arguing and threats. It's a joy. Often times the Little People will see a cartoon destination and with wide eyed amazement they will turn to me pleading "Can we go there?" Usually a circular conversation then takes place about how it's not a real place (but I just saw it), it's a made up place on the cartoons (Chuckie just went there) and not everything in a cartoon is real (???!!!). These requests and subsequent conversations either amuse the hell out of me or rub that very last Mom Nerve raw. Our most recent virtual fun land is EuroReptarLand from Rugrats In Paris. I get a giggle every time they see Reptar Land and turn to me with the sweetest look and sat 'Pleeeeease! Pleeeeease! Can we go? Pleeeeeease!' heh.

Well I best go, have to start planning out trip to Reptar Land

What A Day For A Day Dream

Today has not been a good day. There have been GOOD parts, but as a whole it's not been good. Nothing BAD has happened really unless you count me NOT finding my license, me NOT being as compassionate and sympathetic as I should have, me BEING selfish and childish and me ending up feeling like a primo ass on top of me already feeling kind of isolated and lonely. *sigh* At least my pets still like me and the Little People are still talking to me and K hasn't tried to kill me recently. Enough of all that, I don't want to talk about it really - I've already done far too much internal dialogue today. On to other things.

Baubles

I was flipping through the only parenting magazine I get, Child - which to be honest I don't like parenting magazines as a whole, the only reason I get Child is because it is a gift subscription, but I dislike most of the articles and absolutely hate a lot of the advertising. I keep it in the bathroom for reading materials. Today I flipped to the back of the magazine and saw a photo charm bracelet that was to DIE for. It's made by Brag, Inc. and it says you can mail or e-mail your photo and they will make a charm with your photo. I went to the website and almost choked on the price of the bracelets, so I looked at the price of just the charm. I had to just stop looking at that point. Sticker shock would be a horrible thing to have the coroner put on the death certificate as the reason for my demise (I want it to be something much more interesting).

LOST!

Fuck. I managed to somehow loose my drivers license. I rented movies on Friday night and Sunday night when I went to return the movies and rent some more, my liscense was GONE. Damn it. I'm not sure where I lost it - I think one of the Little People may have been messing around in my purse and took it out. Damn it. I'll be spending the day scrounging through house looking for the damn thing.

We Have Bubonic Plague



Yes, yes, we have Bubonic Plague, B for short. Yesterday as K was walking up to the door he spotted the above pictured rodent skitter across our door step and under the wagon outside. He called me out to see and confirm that it was a gerbil. When he lifted the wagon the little rodent just sat there all wide eyed staring at us. Here comes the dilemma. What to do? I am a self professed gerbil disliker, but this little critter is obviously not wild and it's raining. *sigh* I can't leave it outside to get wet and snarfed up by a cat. I tell K to get something to put it in. The rodent and I stare at each other as K dashes inside to search for an appropriate container. I approach the rodent and extend my hand to which it walked half way into then decided to skitter off. I was appreciative for the rodent not biting me and giving me rabies, I pursued it as it went around the corner and scooped it up just as K was exiting with a suitable container and the Little People were descending the stairs. The little bugger was quite scared now with all the noise and commotion. I told K the container was too dirty to put the gerbil in, told the Little People to back off and quiet down and I grabbed their tea set container to put the gerbil in - hey it had a lid!

We anguished for a few moments as to what to do. We have two cats who would adore a little gerbil for entertainment and dinner. I'm planning on getting more fish in September so I'm not willing to give up the fish tank for a rodent. I fear stinky rodent smells in my house. Releasing it back into the wild was out of the question as it isn't a wild animal and would probably be an easy dinner for the many rodent eating critters in the area (cats, dogs, raccoons, snakes, etc.) - I could not bear the guilt from that. We headed to Pet Smart to procure the minimum of supplies for a gerbil. A small plastic cage/box, a small bag of food, a small water bottle and a small bag of bedding stuff for $13. Although EVERYONE else in my brood was looking at larger cages with toys, etc. I wasn't willing to purchase anything that even suggested that the rodent would become a permanent part of this household. If we find it's real owner I'll more than happy to hand it over. If it starts to stink I'm getting rid of it. If I just decide I hate owning it (kind of like my dog) then I'm getting rid of it. If my cat can't leave it alone and spends all her waking moments either plotting to get it out of the box or terrorizing the gerbil thereby causing it to develop a nervous condition, I'll get rid of it. I've explained to the Little People these points, I want them to understand that our possession of Bubonic Plague may be temporary.

Last night B spent the night in K's bedroom (heh, sounds like the lead into a bad gay joke doesn't it?) as my cat suddenly realized we had a rodent in a box on the counter. She figured it must be for her and jumped up to check out 'her' package a few times. I figured it was safer for the rodent to spend the night behind locked doors (and not in my bed room - that thing scratches and digs a lot and I'm a light sleeper, plus Sunshine spends most nights on my bed).

So now we tentatively have a gerbil. Bubonic Plague. Why the name? Oh, well I said in the car that since I was the one to run out into the cold wet grass in my bare feet and catch the little bugger I would be the one to name it. K didn't think my suggestion of Jesus was funny and refused to let it stand. Bastard. My decision, if it was a boy it would be Attilla and if it was a girl it would be Bubonic Plague. It's a girl, B it is.

Hard to believe that K is the first to bring a stray animal home and not one of the Little People.

Something Stupid For Today

Because I'm feeling rather unimaginative at the moment, I'll do "I say ___, you think ___." Using the following words respond with your first thought. You can respond with one word, a sentence, or just babble like crazy! Ready? Here is my answers.

01. protection - Trojan
02. twist - of lime
03. furry - What? I just waxed!
04. buck - stops here? Please?
05. purple - panties, I'm wearing them
06 wave - of emotion
07. flash - of lightening
08. pokey - is a stupid little clay horse
09. neon - lights
10. elastic - in my undies
11. chips - in bed suck
12. float - ice cream

Answer if you want, don't if you don't.

Amazing Outpouring

It’s raining here. Hard. This is hardly believable. It rarely ever rains this far into summer. It’s also 72 outside. 8 am, it’s raining and it’s 72 outside on August 19, 2004 in Dallas, Texas. Things are also still beautiful, green and growing outside. How odd. In any normal year it would be 8 am, sunny outside with no wind what so ever and it would be 98 outside with a metorological promise of it getting to 101 or 102 by noon, everything that once was growing would be dry and brown – aside from things that were obsessively tended by landscaping crews who watered on a carefully timed out schedule to keep things at an unnatural yet very appealing green lushness.

The rain is supposed to continue today and tomorrow with temperatures only reaching the mid 80’s. Looking at the 10 day forecast, there are only two days forecast with temperatures above 89. What happened to all that Global Warming stuff? I’m not complaining – the cooler temperatures are a nice change, but this just kind of makes that whole Global Warming thing hard to sell.

Revelations

Today when Super Girl got off the bus one of the first things she did was to inform me that she did NOT have a boyfriend. I grinned and said 'Okay' as I took her hand to walk home.

Tonight just before bed time stories she looked at me and said "Mom, I have to tell you the truth" (which comes out as 'truff') to which I replied "Hmmm? About what?" then, with every bit of drama she could muster (which to be honest wasn't a whole hell of a lot as she was very tired from going to the baseball game the night before) and said "I do have a boyfriend." I couldn't help but smile. I asked if he was in kindergarten just like her and she replied that he is 5 also. She babbled on for a couple of moments about playing with him then said something about ANOTHER boyfriend! Yikes! It's only her second day of school and she's got two boyfriends??? I think I may have to save up to put her in an all girl's convent school when she get's close to hitting puberty. ;o)

Hair Raising Experience

Last night K took Super Girl and Cabbage Patch to a baseball game. I politely declined as I'd rather have eyes gouged out by my cat right after she exits the litter box than sit through 9 innings of baseball. (yes I do really dislike baseball that much)

Instead of the ever so thrilling jaunt to the Ballpark In Arlington, I opted for a nice bath with hair removing exercises. It was thrilling to be able to shave my legs (and all) with out the Little People turning the whole event into an Extreme Sport involving blood loss and swear words.

After a relaxing bath (actually just scrubbing and shaving - I really don't know what people do in the bath who linger for an hour or so... Well I do have some ideas and if I had a water proof BOB, I might linger for an hour or so also... But I digress) it was time to complete the hair removal process. This involved molten hot wax and pain, my pain to be exact. Thankfully my microwave is fixed so heating the above mentioned wax was easy. I prefer the potentially lethal hot spots of a microwave method over the potentially house catching on fire method of double boiler on the stove top. (really this is safest, I nearly burned my lunch today because I walked out of the room to pick something up and by the time I returned I fucking forgot I had put my sandwich in the oven to melt the cheese under the broiler.) After applying a thick coating of the searing wax to all the unwanted hairy areas (everywhere but my eyelids and lips really), I was delighted to see hairless ness. Well not really delighted, I was in near screaming pain with tears streaming down my wax encrusted self, but happy that my skin was left and the hair was gone. Ahhhh 4 - 6 weeks of without the unwanted hair (well probably 2-3 before the 5 o'clock shadow emerges again - my hair grows fast - especially the unwanted and unslightly kind).

And then to ad to the greatness of my evening, I spoke to XXX for a couple of hours. *sigh* What a fabulous sexy man. He definitely knows how to make me melt.

It's Official, I'm A Sap

Super Girl rode the bus this morning. I had tears sliding down my cheeks as I waved to her while the bus drove off toward school. *sigh* I'll probably get all teary when the bus arrives this afternoon to drop her off.

I really must stop tearing up at every moment, people are going to start thinking I'm the most ill adjusted parent in the school.

Day One

I suppose my child sacrifice to the evil gods of public education was accepted. Super Girl said she liked school. My fears were for naught. My anxieties just a good waste of trauma. My paranoia unfounded. As usual.

My progeny received a large envelope full of papers and crap intended for me to fill out and return to the High Priestess of Evi... er.. I mean teacher. I'm slightly irritated at having to fill out some of the paper work as it's duplicate crap of crap I've already filled out when I registered Super Girl and had to deal with The Attendance Clerk From Hell back at the end of June. Why do I need to fill this out AGAIN? Is the copy machine broken? Is this a test to make sure I'm not putting false information on the papers? Ugh, whatever, whatever, whatever. I'm determined to keep an open mind, a positive attitude and not become the parent everyone dreads to see approach the school. In order to do that, it is important for me to go with the flow. Find my zen about this public education. Be flexible, practice metaphorical yoga. Ommmmmmm... I will be a nice parent... I will be a nice parent... I will refrain from bitch slapping Attendance Clerk From Hell... Ack! Loosing concentration!

Anyway, Cabbage Patch was comical today. Every so often she would come up to me and ask where her sister was. Other times she was quite chatty, talking to me about anything and everything (Look! I find kangawoo! Look! I find teddy bear! Look! Piggy!). When she awoke from her nap she wanted to know where her sister was. It was cute.

We ventured out to the post office then to the school to pick up Super Girl. I arrived earlier than I had intended but got a good spot in the pick up line. So we waited, and waited and waited. School gets out at 3:30 pm and the line didn't start moving until nearly 4 pm! Super Girl was brought to me right about 4 pm and we got home at 4:10 pm. It was a pain in the ass to pick her up. Suddenly I was pleased that she would be riding the bus from now on.

Tomorrow a whole new set of anxieties and paranoias as I put my child on the bus to head to school. I'll update between breathing in a paper bag and scrounging for left over Valium in my pantry.

Funny Movies

This is too damn funny. Go, watch (all of them), laugh.

It Is Done

I have handed off my first born child to the absolute uncertainty of the public school system. Despite my pained and panicked look my eldest progeny wrenched herself from the death grip of which I held on to her as we waited to be recognized by the instructor. With the fearlessness she has possessed since birth she confidently strode into the room secure in her place, I was not anywhere near that. She bid us farewell with irritation in her voice as we had overstayed our welcome and she was ready to be at SCHOOL with out MOM and DAD and SISTER. K drug me from the room as I kicked and screamed something about loosing my baby while clinging to her seat. My composure was reinstated in the 'Calm Room' with the other hysterical parents. A tall cup of coffee, a Valium, a shot of Tequila and some commiserating with other tearful parents and I was good to go... Well that and being threatened with having the nice police man in front of the school come forcibly remove me from the premises... I chose to walk out without the shiny bracelets.

OK, a bit of an exaggeration. Super Girl was up right at 7 am this morning. No one even had to wake her, she was ready to go (think of the Sponge Bob I'm Ready song). She came into my room first thing this morning and announced that she was dressed for school (and quite proud of herself about it). I looked at her outfit, a pink and white sleeveless shirt with a kitty on it and blue tie-dyed shorts. I said "Uh no honey, you can't wear that to school. I thought you were going to wear one of your dresses." Thankfully she was more excited about her NEW dress than her outfit she had already put on. Breakfast was toast and jelly with milk (her choice), she was practically buzzing she was so excited about school. Every few moments she was trying to get us hurried along. She choose her pink dress to wear and her NEW lavender shoes. I sent her upstairs to get socks, she came down the stairs in bright turquoise socks. I said "Um... Don't you want to wear white socks? The blue socks won't match your dress." No, no she wanted the blue socks and decided to wear her denim dress to match the socks. OK, not really but sure to look better than the pink and white dress. She chose a hair bow thing that matched her socks and it all looked really cute.

Off to school. After feeding, dressing and fixing hair of both girls I dashed into my room and got dressed. Then it was time to go. A couple of pictures of Super Girl with her backpack on as we head to the car. Everybody in the car. I'm amazed at how smooth this is going. No major issues. We hit the road and Super Girl starts screaming at me that I'm going the wrong way to get to her school. Nice. She does this until we can see the school. Grrr...

To class we go. We wait in like behind another mom and new kindergarten, the whole time Super Girl is trying to wiggle out of my grip to push ahead into class. When it's our turn the teacher says that she forgot to get our family picture at meet the teacher night and takes our photo. Super Girl can barely stand still for the camera as she's so excited to start being a KINDERGARTENER. A few words with the teacher about busses and all and I'm feeling better about the teacher (I had a negative experience with her on meet the parent night). Super Girl finds her seat and is ready for us to go. Hugs and kisses later and she is practically giving us the bums rush out of the room. As we get to the hall way, Cabbage Patch realizes that we are going and Super Girl is staying and the water works start. She cries the whole way back to the car. I manage to contain my tears until I get in the car.

All went well, I'm sure Super Girl is having the time of her life. I'm still paranoid and teary eyed. I'm a mom. I'll be watching the clock and anxiously waiting for 3:15 pm - time to pick Super Girl up. Tomorrow will be a whole new batch of anxieties as she will be taking the school bus to and from school. I swear I'll have an ulcer by the time she gets to first grade - if not by the end of this week!

Distraction Tactic

Today Super Girl was getting in trouble for something (I can't remember, probably for not cleaning up toys or something), while I'm talking to her and she's giving me the 'whatever' look and trying to blame her sister for the offense, suddenly she looks to the side and says "Look! A hippopotamus!" It took every ounce of control and willpower to not start laughing. Maybe next time I'm getting a ticket I'll try that.

Another Delightful Surprise

Last night my dear brother called to wish me a belated happy birthday. It was very nice to talk to him and hear that everything was going well for him. I worry about him.

Also last night I got a message from a man I dated a couple of years ago. He is very nice man. Anyway, I hadn't talked to him since the beginning of February, he just wanted to know how I was doing. I sent him back a message that things were going well in my life, told him about my fabulous boyfriend, XXX. He sent back the nicest message telling me how happy he is for me and how he thinks I am a wonderful woman and XXX is a lucky man. Heh, made me smile to hear that. (yeah I'm all about being flattered!)

Squirrel Parts

I am part squirrel, flying squirrel to be exact. Actually all the women in my family are. I’m not sure when some crazy scientist started messing with the DNA of my family but it had to be at least a few generations ago. All of us have squirrel wings. They begin to appear after a certain age. It’s frightening I tell you. Especially frightening is the fact that the women in my family seem to favor sleeveless fashions – myself included. I’ve decided that instead of try to fight nature I will instead work to cultivate the long lost (by my family) art of gliding from tree to tree. I’m sure it will somehow be a useful skill to have someday. I figure that since I’m 33 now and am at the beginning stages of my wing development by the time I’m retirement age I will have an impressive set of wings and be an expert at gliding from tree to tree. This skill added to the fact that after I retire I plan to become the bearded lady will make me quite famous and a highly sought out carnival performer. Ahh some days it’s nice to know that genetics are on my side as far as the freak factor.

Weekend Surprise

Friday or maybe it was Thursday, K had informed me that B (his boyfriend) wanted to take me to dinner on Saturday night. I said okay.

Saturday I woke rather tired after not sleeping well due to my anxiety over Super Girl starting school tomorrow. Thank goodness for coffee. I worked a very long (and somewhat profitable) day on Saturday and didn't get home until after 5:30 pm. I was tired. I wanted a nap but I knew I was going to have to drive K and The Little People over to B's place. I was really really considering how to get out of dinner plans so I could get some sleep.

We arrive at B's house and when B opens the door I'm greeted with shouts of 'Surprise!' Seems K planned a little get together. Mystical D and her husband The Queen were there, a rarely seen friend Wil and his little boy where there and of course B, K and The Little People. Petey had to work and couldn't make it. The New Mrs. S and her Husband didn't make it - but Sunday was her birthday so they were probably out celebrating her b-day. The Bear did not make it, nor did Giggles as Giggles got engaged to The Postman the night before and supposedly The Bear, Giggles and one other person HAD to go out looking at wedding dresses. Huh? Is she getting married this coming weekend? What's the rush? Whatever. Doesn't even matter really. We had a lot of fun at the party. I'm not going to go into the details of all the food, the party games, copious amounts of booze, strippers, loud music, police at the door, balloons and midgets. It was fun. Things didn't wrap up until 1:30 am.

More Pressies for me! Mystical D and The Queen got me some Starbucks Breakfast Blend ground coffee, a tin of International Foods instant coffee and the cutest cow pen!

Thanks to everyone who attended, thanks to K for planning the party (WOW - after 10 years, you actually surprised me!) & thanks to B for letting us mess up his house and for making the cake. I had fun.

Black Cat




Just in case none of you had a lovely black cat cross your path today, I thought I'd put up the one in my neighborhood.

Funny thing is that this cat is super skiddish and I think I've only see it 3 or 4 times in the past year but there it was today, running around the parking lot on Friday the 13th.

Nice And Relaxing... NOT!

Things that are suppose to relax but don't

Doing yoga, normally very relaxing, add in a toddler and a kindergardener who think a person in a yoga pose is a person wanting to be used as a jungle gym.

Reading, normally very relzaxing, with the combination above it becomes a lesson in futility as you reread the same sentence 15 times before tossing book into the bathroom realizing that the only 'reading time' you have now happens to be when you are in the bathroom with the door locked while tiny fists pound on the door and tiny voices continually question whether you are in there, are you coming out, when is snack time, etc. until you finally emerge.

Meditation - add in the Tiny Terrorist and they think it's a free for all. The sound of things crashing to the floor, screaming and cat's howling make meditation impossible for anyone but the absolute deaf. No I've never tried mediation, I'm not that stupid to give the Tiny Terrorists even a 30 second head start in their secret demoliton plot.

All for now. Time to take the Tiny Terrorists out to burn off some excess energy.

Blessed Are Those Who Feed My Addiction




This birthday has been the coffee birthday. Both K and XXX got me coffee pots. K got me a French Press (pictured above and to the right) and XXX got me a Brew 'N Go that brews one cup at a time. I love both of them. The Brew 'N Go is just like the one XXX has - that I have coveted - it makes a cup of coffee in about 2 minutes - perfect for in the mornings! The French Press is the one I've wanted and makes up to three delicious cups in about 10 minutes. Each pot was opened and in use within minutes of arriving in my hands. Ahhhh....

Perfect presents - they love me. :o) Somedays it's good to be Judy.

An Icon Passes...

I just read that Julia Child passes away. How very sad. I thought she was very entertaining. Sometimes when I was very young and dreamed of being a master chef, I imagined meeting her and cooking with her.

The article mentions the cook book Mastering The Art Of French Cooking, which is my favorite cookbook. I inherited an old copy (1966 printing) from my mother (which is comical as she wasn't a very good cook and I don't think she ever even opened this cook book) and have used it quite a bit in the past 8 years it's been in my possession.

She was an interesting character, too bad their aren't more like her.

Post Birthday Update

Well Koko (the bitch)totally fucking stood me up for my birthday. I think she did because I told her I wasn't going to pay this time as it was my birthday and all. Damn cheap monkey.

Instead I had a lovely dinner with the family, K made steak and taters. He bought a lovely cake and adorned it with 33 candles which the little people were more than happy to help me blow out. XXX called to wish me happy birthday and send me off to bed with a smile (no, nothing dirty you perv, just talking to him makes me smile).

Today I realized that I'd been given a gift I'll be thinking about all day. Gastrointestinal upset! Woohoo! K must have poisoned me last night. The bastard. So please excuse if I don't update much today, it means a) I've fallen into a deep healing sleep despite having two children screaming and covering the living room in a tidal wave of toys b) I'm in the bathroom wish I was dead or at least in a coma c) my brain is to preoccupied with being sick to make coherent sentences or d) I'm washing the laundry.

Fun News

I absolutly love this article - Sex IS good for you! (read this one carefully XXX);o)

Sex Toys for Women - I think I want to be the proprietor of a Sex Shop. :o) XXX, ya wanna help me with product testing?

Diving Right In

K has taken the plunge and started a blog. Head on over and say hello or whatever.

Public Service Announcement

I figured I'd let everyone know yet again that TOMORROW is MY BIRTHDAY. I will be home to receive all the presents and acolades that my adoring public will be sending to me so no need to worry.

heh. Kidding. Tomorrow is my birthday, just kidding about the rest. Gonna call Koko my birthay buddy and see if she wants to take me out for my birthday, maybe a sushi restraunt.

Art Imitating Life



The above is two photos of the wind chime thingie Super Girl got for me when she was visiting her grandma. She had to get it for me, it is me after all. heh. A bottle of wine and a bottle of champagne hang off it, so you know it really is me. ;o) Too bad it didn't have a cup of coffee as well.

Viking Kittens

Thanks to Petey, I once again have a link to the fabulous video.

Great Birthday Pressies
for me of course

Viking Kittens Shirt Or this Viking Kittens Shirt I like the orange kittie because I have an orange kittie.

I wish I could find the link to the Viking Kittens video again.

My Birthday Buddy

In reading this article about Koko the gorilla I discovered that she turned 33 July 4th. I never realized how close in age she and I are. On that note, let me take this moment to remind people that I will turn 33 on Wednesday. I wonder if Koko will send me a birthday card?


Koko or Judy?

Kind of errie how Koko sucking down the booze looks a lot like me sucking down the booze. I swear we could be twins. Maybe we were separated at birth.

If I Had A Penis...

This would be it's name!

My penis's new name is Major Tom the Strangely Proportioned Intruder.
Take Name Your Penis by badasstronaut today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

XXX showed me this. hehehe... he's a sick man, that's why I love him.

Hafla

Short version:

Lots of belly dancers, cool dancing, late night trip to get me something to *drink, after **three in an hour I left but not before ***kissing all the guys and the girls. Long drive home.

*Coffee – lots of coffee
**Cups of retched coffee
***Goodbye – kissing everyone good bye that is.

Long Version:

Saturday night instead of our bi-monthly geeky gaming session we attended a hafla. It’s a belly-dancing thingie. It was Mystical D’s very first performance and she had invited us all. Mystical D is married to Bill The Queen.

So I work all day Saturday. I was so busy lunch was vending machine fare of questionable nutritional value. (Warning to others, jerky that you can purchase from a vending machine will haunt you for hours after consumption – I think I’m still burping that cheap jerky). K had done his boss a favor and helped her move ‘a few things’ on Saturday. The ‘few things’ turned into two storage units of heavy items that took from 8 am until 5 pm for them to finish up. I arrived home at 5:30 pm just mere moments after K did. It was a contest as to who was more tired, cranky and hungry – I won as K got lunch from Hooters (Yeah you know every gay man wants to go there). K got a quick shower and we left. A quick drive through Wattaburger for food for me and we headed out to the hafla.

Directions to said hafla were provided by Petey. In the directions we were instructed the shindig would start at 1900 hours. We arrived about 10 minutes after 7 pm and were confused to find things not in full swing. As we paid our $7 to get in we enquired as to when things would be starting and were told at 8 pm. Hmmmm… note to self… Kill Petey for my lost nap time.

The new Mrs. S and her husband arrived shortly after that as well as B and we all stood around plotting Petey’s demise for the time thing. The Bear showed up shortly before 8pm and absolved herself of any blame for the time mix up – it’s really didn’t matter, husbands always take the blame. It’s the Marital Scapegoat clause in the marriage contract.

The dancing was fascinating, the dancers were lovely. Mystical D did a wonderful job in her dance. Everything was over at 10:30 pm.

Everyone stood around until 11 pm discussing where to go as some people were hungry. It was decided to head to Denny’s (where the hell else would be open that late). I needed coffee badly as I had an hour drive home and I was fucking tired.

Our group is great; we all do more talking than anything else. It’s a fabulous group. Sometimes it makes me homicidal though. I walked out saying I was heading to Denny’s NOW, others could meet us. I think I already mentioned I was cranky and tired.

Denny’s. As soon as the waitress got us seated I ordered coffee. I needed caffeine and lots of it. The Queen and Mystical D sat across from me. After a few reminders to our waitress coffee was served. It was the foulest coffee, typical of a Denny’s I suppose – especially near midnight. No matter, I figured that even crappy foul tasting coffee was better than no coffee. Plenty of sugar and cream and it was at least drinkable. The next two cups were equally as retched but I was getting used to it and they went down much easier.

I tend to be very odd when tired and very talkative. I can’t even remember some of the things we all talked about. Politics, piercings, tattoos, religion, pseudonyms and driving directions.

I left about 12:30 am as I had to go to work soon! The Bear wrote directions back home for me on the back of a napkin. I insisted on this as I was TIRED, full of Coffee and I’m VERY, VERY bad with directions. The Queen was trying to give me directions by pointing vaguely in a direction and telling me to turn that way, but thankfully The Bear complied with my demands. I would have hated to have to kill someone.

The drive home was almost as much fun as everything else. I cranked the air conditioner up to freeze, put the radio station on a crappy music station and just drove. Freezing hands and bad music work well to annoy me awake – and if you ad in the full bladder it all works out well.

I got home about 1:30 am and got to bed about 2 am. I still need a nap.

Mini-Cats

The Little People are home from their week long visit with Grandma and GG. Grandma and GG have a huge house. In this house they have 3 dogs and 6 cats. Big cats. Most of the cats are bigger than the dogs. My cats are small by cat standard - just 6 lbs and 7 lbs.

The first thing Super Girl says when we get home is "Oh! They are kittens again!" I've explained several times that our cats are just small cats and GG's cats are BIG cats. It doesn't matter; I'm still getting questions of "why are our cats smaller?" "Why did you make the cats little?" "Are they going to grow big?" "Are they kittens?" To which I have continually answered that our cats are just small, GG has Big cats, our cats have always been small, no they won't get any bigger and the one time answer of 'yes, yes, I did shrink the cats, I washed them and dried them and they got smaller.' to which she asked 'why did you wash the cats?'

Silly child. This morning she asked "Mom, where are the real Sunshine and Dusty?"

Paradise

I arrived at XXX’s at 9 pm. He was relieved as he was expecting me much earlier. I explained my reasons for being tardy and told him I had called his cell phone and left a message at 8 pm when I stopped to get gas in my car. He said he never got the message and didn’t hear the phone ring. [Content removed due to graphic sexual content] and then we made sandwiches as I was hungry and hadn’t had dinner. We watched Adult Swim and [Content removed due to graphic sexual content].

The next morning after [Content removed due to graphic sexual content], XXX left for work. He had shown me how to work his coffee machine before leaving. He has the cutest little coffee maker – it makes one cup. Oh I was in LOVE with it! One fabulous fresh cup of coffee! I enjoyed my coffee while watching the news then showered and straightened up before heading out to have lunch with XXX.

We had lunch at a Mexican café close to where he works then walked back to his office where I hung out for most of the day. I had planned to do some city exploring but hanging out and chatting with my sweetie was much more rewarding. Oh stop giving me that look, I know it was sappy sweet and making you want to gag, but deal with it. Anyway, I headed back to his apartment a little after 3 pm.

Back at his place I had the joy of fighting with the lock on his door – fucker sticks for some reason. I made another delicious cup of coffee and watched more news. XXX messaged me a little after 4 to tell me that the movie was at 4:50 pm so be ready when he got there. Cool. I was actually peeking out the door looking for him when he pulled into the parking lot. I grabbed my purse and was out the door. Had the joy of fighting with the lock again then we were off.

We saw I, Robot, which I’ve already given my opinion of – Will Smith in the shower - yessss.

We went back to XXX’s place and [Content removed due to graphic sexual content]. We made dinner and watched Calendar Girls – that was a sweet movie then we [Content removed due to graphic sexual content] and watched Adult Swim again before falling asleep [Content removed due to graphic sappy nature – gag!].

The next morning [Content removed due to graphic sexual content], I kissed him goodbye and then it was just ME and his coffee maker for the day. Ahhhh coffee. The coffee maker and I share many tender moments together through out the day as I do not a damn thing other than watch movies and surf the internet. Being a mom it’s been a while since I’ve had opportunity to do absolutely NOTHING so I was taking full advantage of it. Besides I had a lovely dinner and some [Content removed due to graphic sexual content] planned for later.

When XXX got home from work we [Content removed due to graphic sexual content] and then I made a wonderful dinner. We drank some wine and watched old movies while having desert. Then it was off to the bedroom for [Content removed due to graphic sexual content, Content removed due to graphic sexual content, Content removed due to graphic sexual content, Content removed due to graphic sexual content, Content removed due to graphic sexual content, Content removed due to graphic sexual content, Content removed due to graphic sexual content]. Whew that was fun, luckily this time the leather restraints didn’t leave bruises.

The next morning I reluctantly left – it was time to head back to responsibilities of my life – but not before [Content removed due to graphic sexual content] and more coffee!!! Damn what a combo XXX is – incredibly sexy, smart, funny, sensitive and he’s got a great coffee maker!

I know it doesn’t sound like much, but it was nearly perfect to me.

The 4 Hour Drive That Took 5 or Fuck How I Hate Traffic On 35!

So I head on to work on Sunday hoping that I can get off work early and me and the Little People can hit the road by 1:30 pm at the latest. Much to my amazement I am finished by work and back home by NOON! K & the Little People are not home. *Sigh* Okay, okay, don’t panic, I’m sure they’ll be home shortly. I just pack (throw everything in a bag) for myself and the kids hoping that I haven’t forgotten anything vital.

At 1 pm I call all people who will be expecting my arrival today (my aunt and XXX) and tell them I plan to leave by 1:30 pm or 2 pm. Get off the phone and look for more pins to stick in the K & B voodoo dolls. Pack car.

2 pm K & B arrive with the Little People. I quickly hide evil voodoo activities and start barking commands at the children so we can get the hell on the road. This trip should take about 4 hours to get the kids to their grandmother’s house.

Everything is going according to schedule until we get close to Georgetown. For some fucking reason there was an unbelievable amount of traffic on the road and for about 34 miles (shortly after I see the sign that says Georgetown 36 miles) traffic is flowing at a brisk 30 mph. Yeah, total pleasure.

We finally arrive 5 freaking hours after we left home. I decline having dinner as I know it’s about an hour and a half to get to XXX and I’m now running REALLY late. The Little People barely notice that I’m leaving; it’s just too much trouble to tear themselves away from the toys, swings and cats at GG and Grandma’s house to give me a hug and kiss. *Sigh* Kids.

I’m out of there by 7:30 pm and arrive at XXX’s door at 9 pm.

Big Ass Spider The Kids And I Saw At Truck Stop

The Wedding

I took the day off from working my busy hospital so I'd have time to get ready and get the little people all cute. We had an hour drive to the wedding so I really did need the time to get all ready for the shindig. We packed all the wedding clothes in the trunk and headed out about an hour and half before the wedding. I figured we'd stop a bit before we got to the wedding and get dress as I just could not fathom that the little people, K or myself would look presentable after an hours drive.

So off we go, me looking incredibly redneck in a denim jumper with no shirt under, my sparkly make-up and fancy strappy sandals. Yeah I looked hot and sexy, ready to go to the good tractor pull.

Anyway when we were almost there we stopped off at a gas station and all changed (yeah I know, that's really classy - what else was I supposed to do, change in the parking lot of the wedding place??).

The wedding was at 6 pm, we showed up about 15 minutes before the ceremony started. It was an outdoors wedding and it was still freaking hot that day. They provided hand held fans which I fought over with Super Girl and Cabbage Patch. They are young; they can stand the heat better - besides mommy had running eyeliner to consider.

The ceremony was beautiful. Martin looked incredibly handsome and Angie was absolutely beautiful. They looked incredibly happy together. I got all teary... or maybe that was sweat in my eyes. No, kidding, it was very touching to see two people who are so perfectly matched and so in love get married. If I ever get married again I hope to have a ceremony like theirs - except with Elvis officiating the ceremony... and me in a red dress... and none of the praying stuff... and in Vegas... probably the drive thru wedding... maybe... and clowns... Jell-O wrestling... and... Oh, are you still there? Sorry, lost for a moment. Beautiful ceremony.

The reception followed immediately with the best fucking food I've had at a wedding in I don't know how long. Martin and Angie were kind to their guests and instructed us to eat while they finished with the obligatory after wedding photos of the wedding party (which just takes to damn long usually). I must have eaten a half pound of shrimp by myself. Even the Little People enjoyed the food. Cabbage Patch enjoyed the barbecued sausages so much she was wiping her hands on her lovely satin dress. *sigh* Mommy needed a drink at that moment.

They had dancing outdoors after all the gorging and cake cutting in doors. We partook of all the activities while making sure the Little People were within eye shot and not terrorizing more than the other children.

Petey was my savior and managed to find some roofies... I mean Alieve for my sinus headache and later provided me with rum for my punch - twice in fact. The booze came from Martin's brother-in-law Earl. I love that man, every time I've seen him; he always has booze for me. Later I got some wine from Earl.

We dance quite a bit. Even K and I danced. Together that is. He's not a bad dancer. It was fun. We sweated a LOT.

The lovely couple had enough of their rowdy guests about 10 or so and left in a horse drawn carriage. It was beautiful.

K and I gathered the little people and headed to the car. I changed right there by the car. I was HOT and my dress was sweat soaked. Yeah I know, another redneck moment brought to you by Judy.

And that was the wedding. It was nice.

Oh... The dress. I did wear THE dress. I briefly panicked and considered wearing something else as I worried I'd look like a fat cow but at the last moment I said "Fuck it, I'm wearing the dress, damn anyone who doesn't like it." I didn't even wear industrial strength anti-jiggle under garments under the dress - not that I hadn't planned to do so, I just couldn't find the ones I bought the previous day AND the torturous pantyhose I did find were a comical disaster to try to get on. See I haven't worn pantyhose in years. I hate them. I either couldn't remember the proper way to wiggle into control top pantyhose or they were the wrong size. At any rate after struggling with them, starting to sweat and having my giggling children ask me if I need help/offer advice, I pulled them off and tossed them in the trash never to be considered again. I think I looked pretty damn good in the dress; I had decent cleavage going on thanks to a push up bra and the tight bosom of the dress. All was good.

XXX

I'm sure you are all wondering what makes XXX so great - let me tell you (and it's not the fabulous sex so get your mind out of the gutter). He can can clear away the dark clouds and insecurities with a sentence. That's it, one sentence and I smile.

Well that and he doesn't get all tweaked by the fact that I'm probably the most frighteningly hairy women he's ever known - I really should buy stock in hair removal. Gotta love a man who doesn't touch my face and comment on how my beard needs a trim or say how my mustache tickles in an unpleasant way while I give a blow job or mention how the hot and sexy bra I just bought would look much sexier if I didn't have all that hair obscuring the lace.

Damn I'm so freaking happy when I'm with him.

Updates Postponed

I'm tired tonight, going to head off to bed soon. I was going to write about EVERYTHING, instead I spent my time writing words to XXX that he'll never see. I know, silly girl stuff, but I'm a girl, what do you expect.

Tomorrow, I'll write tomorrow before my pathetic memory starts to fail me.

Off to bed for now.

The Queen Returns!!

I mean me, not K. Bastards. (eyes rolling up in head)

I have tons to write but also have tons to do around the house. Tonight, I promise.

Coming soon!

• Highlights from the wedding and the answers to everyone's burning question of "Did she wear THE black dress???" (also, head to the Dr. about that burning, I'm sure it has something to do with that skank from a few weekends ago.)
• The 4 hour drive that took 5 or Fuck how I hate traffic on 35!
• Paradise - My time with XXX and his coffee maker... that should be separate... my time with XXX and my love for his coffee maker. Eh, whatever, read it how you like.
  
• The drive home or Part II of Fuck how I hate traffic on 35!

Well I got to go, this house doesn't clean it's self. I keep hoping the cats will get the idea of helping with the house work from watching all the Disney movies.

I Love The Way You Love Me...

This week is National Orgasm Week. I hope everyone has been celebrating. Too bad my visit to XXX is over, I guess it's just my over-active imagination and BOB to help me finish out the week. *sigh* What a wonderful visit I had.

Movie Review

Went to see iRobot with XXX last night. I really enjoyed it. The best part of the movie happens in the first 10 minutes - Will Smith naked in the shower. Ahhhhh... I just wish they had closed the movie with that shot. *sigh* Oh well they had a few nice shots of Will's fabulously muscled bare chest. Very nice. I highly recommend seeing this movie. He looks goooooood. Oh yeah it's got a good story and all too. ;)