Ramblings Of The Infectious Kind
*note - I just finished posting a nice long post and fucking blogger/IE gave me a blank page when I posted and I lost it all. Fuck. So if this is not very interesting or lacks humor, that is the reason.

I'm still sick. Not horribly sick, but sick enough to feel horrible on and off through out the day. Sick enough to high fever occasionally but generally a low fever that breaks with copious amounts of OTC medications. Weeee.

I'm not sure what's the worst part of this cold/flu shit. The cough, the runny nose, the sore throat or the tiredness that feels like lead weights tied to one's extremities. It all sucks.

I fall asleep every time I sit on the sofa. Last night I fell asleep watching LOTR: Two Towers and that fight scene with the orcs riding the worgs kept running through my head.

When K got home yesterday evening we headed out on a quest to procure cold/flu concoctions, so it was off to WallyWorld! I tossed the WallyWorld brand of Nyquil and found a childrens multi-symptom concoction for the Tiny Terrorists then considerd my options for day time relief of my bothersome symptoms. Hmmm.... So many to choose from... I finally decided on the WallyWorld brand of DayQuil, though an unnatural orange color I was won over by the fact that it was just $2.48 and I had always had dandy results with the faux Nyquil.

Last night was full of delightful Nyquil dreams (well until it wore off and I had to get more, but it's all good now). This morning I poured myself a shot of the orange elixer, somewhat expecting it to taste vaguely orangy/mediciny and was rudely shocked when it tasted neither orangy or mediciny or even like Nyqil. It tasted like what I imagine bleach and cat piss mixed together might taste. I mean is that shit supposed to burn my throat??? I gaged and had to FORCE myself to swallow. I'm now hopeing that I will feel VASTLY better by 2pm or maybe I'll be able to scrounge a forgotten cold/flu tablet somewhere in the pantry. And that shit about it being for the DAY as in not going to make you sleepy, well that's bull. I put on Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory, sat down on the sofa and the next thing I know I'm waking up to the credits rolling and Cabbage Patch babbling about a tea party and the cat. Go figure.

Letter To The Cosmos

Dear Higher Power;

First and foremost I'd like to ask where my real child is? This little beast who looks like mine is wearing on my very last nerve. I know this creature isn't my sweet child as my child is well sweet and she would never have stacked her chair and her stool on top of an over turned toy chest to get to the top shelf in her closet to remove everything and throw it on the floor, nor would she have taken everything out of her drawers, scatter it all over her room and stand on her dresser, I am confident in saying that my child would not have removed every picture on my wall within her short grasp and she definitly would hot have opened the gerbil cage and tossed bedding all over the living room. Why have you made this horrible switch? Why did you choose to do it while I am ill and when can I have MY child back?

Also, please enlighten me on whatever possesed Super Girl to place a small rock or snail shell (that's what the school nurse said it looked like) in her freaking ear?

Another thing, I'm still sick, can we get this over with already? Have I not got enough going on in my life already?

Warmly,
Judy

Welcome To Bio-Hazard Central!
Complimentary virus on your way out!

I'm sick. I'm also in pain (headache). And I'm coughing. My stomach is upset too. I think this is the flu. I need a shower but I keep falling asleep on the couch. I should still be sleeping - to get better, but my fever has broken briefly and now I'm thinking of all the things I need to do but am to freaking tired to do. Fuck it, I'm going back to bed.

Missed My Calling

So my very dear friend A called tonight. This is a rarity as she's so freaking busy with her life that the only uninterupted time she can talk is at work (but that's a bad idea as I make her laugh and then it's OBVIOUS that she's not working (which is what she pretends to do as she surfs the internet and reads this blog - Love ya A!) and that might just get her fired and as a direct result get me murdered in a most horrible way (I know this as she'd probably call me while she was driving over to kill me and ask the most horrible and painful way to kill someone and in my morbid slightly evil enthusiam I would tell her in great detail but I would neglect to ask exactly WHO she wanted to kill until the very end when she would laugh manicaly for a really long time as she walked up to my door and kocked then say YOU! and hang up... and of course I'd open the door and be murdered by my own methods... hmmm? what was I talking about?) or in her car on the way home. (Hey, someone else called me last week while he was driving home for just about the same reason, although I don't think he'd ever try to murder me (Yo, M, speak up now if you do, just fill me in ya know.) so I'm starting to think that people like calling me as they drive for some reason, maybe because it's really easy to get off the phone if I'm being a total fucking bore (I know it's hard to belive, me being boreing *snicker*) you can just say "Whoa! Gotta go I'm about to get a ticket - although I'd ask that they didn't hang up so I could hear them get a ticket. What? I know I'm evil, get over it) So if you are driving home, feel free to call me, apparently I'm much more entertaining than the traffic.)

A and I were catching up on things, her mom is still dead (I'm not being insensitive, it was funny on the phone!), she's still working and she's ALMOST divorced (A, I dedicate this song to you, although I like this one too, but THIS ONE is my FAVORITE (so ignore the other links)) as in all that NEEDS to happen is her scrawny-little-jerk-ass-unemployed-leach-of-a-man-husband... er, um... I mean *gag* *gag* Huuuuusssband needs to sign the papers. So I gave her some valuable advice (Others would call it unsolicited bullshit that should be kept rattling around my empty head, but I like to think it's worth at least the breath I was breathing it as I flew out of my mouth). I suggested she go in her house and say to him "Gonna sign the papers?" then if he says NO casually mention something about getting his lazy deported (it would be easy to get a divorce in abstencia at that point- it's not like he's really fucking been there all these years ANYWAY, so what's the difference???) or maybe alude to being able to kill him, ya know, with out a body, he'd just be a missing person.

She was laughing very hard and mentioned that I had missed my calling, I quickly said "Marriage counselor?" as I KNOW that's what she meant. I mean what the hell, I'm practically an expert on disfunctional marriages (married to a gay man, 'member) and hell I've been through 4 years of counseling for the marriage, so that practically gives me a degree in counseling! (I could use my years of my own personal counseling for my own personal crazies as credit for a masters - really) My other sage advice that spewed forth was that if he STILL didn't want to sign to start being creepy, like when she pours the carpet freshener on the carpet before vaccuuming to pour it into a pentagram or runes or something, write his name in ketchup on the meatloaf - make it look like it's in blood and leave a knife in the center, anxiously ask him if the drink she just brought him tastes funny then say no reason when he asks WHY and walk away snickering (tis great fun to make someone THINK you are poisoning even when you aren't - hey, stop looking at me, I already admitted I AM EVIL).

Anyway, in all the laughing she was doing as I was advising (I take that as a good sign, laughter means agreement) I forgot to tell her that when the Big D happens we need to have a party or a drunken night out. That will be something to CELEBRATE! Whoohoo! Petey you up for a little drunken debauchery?

*Note: Don't even think of mentioning all the misspellings, etc. I've got a BRAIN FEVER (which is different than a BRIAN FEVER, which is what I wrote first, I belive that involves watching too much of Python's 'Life Of Brian' (which I love because I am Evil... I mean a Jew, because I'm a Jew)). It's cool K just got me something for my ailment - Tylenol PM or asprin or roofies, not sure.

Is Ebay An Option?

Someone make it stop for fuck-sake! Sheesh. Today.... I'm getting the wee one's disease - their mini-misson of infecting everyone with their vile illness is working slowly but surely. And what's the worst part? The snot! Damn, why is it that ever 2 or so hours I look at one of my children and they have a river of snot down their face. What the fuck? Can they not feel it? I know when my nose is running I can fucking feel it and I BLOW MY NOSE! That and listening to the gurguly, bubbly breathing of a child who needs to BLOW THIER NOSE. That disgusting noise just makes me want to jab hot butter knives in my ears to make it stop! It's not like we don't have a freaking tissue around here - so BLOW YOUR DAMN NOSE CHILDREN!

What else sucks? The Tiny Terrotists ARE being terrorists today. They stacked their chair and stool on top of a toy box to get to a wall hanging above their closet door AND to remove EVERYTHING from the top shelf in their closet. *sigh* So much for them playing quietly in their room.

Another thing that sucks is that the cold medication I gave them DOESN'T make them sleepy! Why? Why? Why? For the love of gawd, why? Sick progeny is bad enough, but sick energetic, non sleeping progeny is the WORST.

And I miss XXX. I'm really wishing I had one more day with him... or two... or a week... or two... *sigh*

Post Weekend Report

I had a great weekend. XXX is so wonderful. He picked me up from the airport dressed in a kilt. That is by far the sexiest thing a man can wear. XXX is already an irresistably sexy man, the addition of the kilt left me weak in the knees and damp in the panties. I wasn't sure what to do, stand there and admire his splendor or drag him off to bed for carnal pleasures. I'm sure you can guess which impulse won out - I had all that book learning to try out anyway! My only regret is that I didn't get a photgraph of him in that kilt - I get a involuntary evil grin every time I think of him in it.

The book - I'm not completly finished reading it, but I had read plenty by the time I arrived in San Antonio. XXX is going to have to leave a review as to whether the book was worth the $$ or not.

Anyway, we had a lot of really fabulous sex, we watched some movies, ate some, had some drinks, more fabulous sex and just hung out and had fun. I love being with him no matter what we are doing.

Leaving is always the difficult part, I miss him as soon as I get out of his car. I was just on the verge of tears as I walked to the gate, I just didn't want the weekend to end. *sigh* he really is a very special man.

Anyway, had a great time, had fabulous sex, good food and can't wait to see him again.

8 Hours And Counting...

Until I'm with XXX. So what am I doing to keep myself from going absolutly bonkers (I lack patience)? I'm trying to make a list of important things to remember to bring.

Like...

Sexy underwear (CACIQUE undies rock!) but not UNsexy undies (somebody shoot me if I ever consider purchasing a girdle like that!).

And personal lubricant (Astroglide is my favorite, but I have a sample of K-Y Warming to try, I'd like to get some of the ID Millennium to try also.)

Can't forget the sex toys. Can't forget B.O.B. (though my vibrator isn't silver) or my vibrating egg and the Magic Touch Bullet Mini. I will however be leaving the "Big, shiney, black hummer" at home. Kidding, I don't even own one of THOSE - that was just for Petey (No I'm not explaining, I'd rather you wonder). And this just scares me! Not going to bring the Ben Wa Balls either, to be honest, I've never really figured out what's so good about them.

Gotta remember the silk scarves and blindfold. XXX already has a lovely set of leather restraints so no need to worry about that. Not to mention a fabulous flogger and a nice spanker.

That should just about do it. A change of clothes, my bag of toiletries and a book to read on the plane tucked in there with the other things on the list. It's going to be a fabulous weekend.

Off to fold more laundry and pack my Astroglide, etc.

Quiz

Saw this on my hot and sexy boyfriend, XXX's page.

You Are 23 Years Old

23 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Of course this makes me acting just a couple of years older than XXX acts. As if!

AND...

It's Not Sex. It's ... : Knocking Boots

Get your own Sex Name

I'm counting the hours until I'll be Knocking Boots with XXX.

And now for something completly different...

You Are a Boston Terrier Puppy

Aggressive, wild, and rambunctious. Deep down, you're just a cuddle monster.

What Breed of Puppy Are You?

*snort* I figured I'd be an afghan hound or something else with lots of hair! Pitty they didn't have a 'what cat are you?' quiz since I'm more of cat person than a dog person. Oh... a 'what rodent are you?' test would be funny. Hmmmm I think I need some coffee...

Final Quiz - I promise

I Believe In a Thing Called Love by The Darkness

"I wanna kiss you every minute, every hour, every day You got me in a spin but everythin' is A.OK!" You played it cheesy and campy in 2004, but you know how to rock out.

What 2004 Hit Song Are You?

*snicker* I do love that song.

Coffee now... need to get packing! 12 hours until I'm on a plane to XXX for a weekend of bliss!

How To Rip My Heart Out Of My Chest
And Make Me Feel Unmeasurable Guilt

Wake up this morning coughing, with a fever and all, then disolve into tears because I won't let you go to school. And when your daddy gets back from the store with medicine for you, look at me with big hopeful eyes and say "Now I can go to school?" *sigh*

Note: This only works if you are a wee child. Adults doing this crap just make me homicidal and that causes me to consult literature on how best to dispose of a body.

Weekend In Paradise!!

This weekend I'm gonna be snuggling with my sweetie! I fly to SA Friday night and fly back on Sunday night. Ahhhh... a weekend with XXX.

In preparation for this fabulous weekend I got a book. Not just any book but a how-to sex book. Okay, it's not like I NEED a how-to book for that, we have some pretty spectacular sex, but ya know, there's nothing wrong with striving for perfection.


So what am I trying to perfect you may be asking yourself (or covering your eyes and running from the room in terror), why my oral abilities of course. I purchased a copy of The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio. Reading it now, will be practicing Fri-Sun, will let you know if it's worth the $... or XXX can let you know if it was money well spent.

My Trashy Ghetto Mamma Moment
Or
Bullys Have Bully Mothers

I've been quite busy, that's why I haven't posted lately. I'm still busy and have much to do, but I have to tell about the bully on the bus and my run in with his bitchass mother.

Monday my sister was over dropping off some stuff we are e-baying (gotta pay that ticket somehow!). As she was still here at 3:30 pm we drove to the bus stop to pick up Super Girl. I got out of D's pimped out SUV when the bus pulled up, Super Girl came running off the bus saying "Mom! Mom! He's going to beat me up!" she was scared. I asked her who and she pointed to the bully who was harassing her last week. As we walked to D's truck I assured her no one would beat her up then I turned to the bully and his brother as they were loitering around to hear what I was saying. I told him to leave my kid alone and keep his hands off her. Then I told him to go on home - several times actually. The bully and his brother mouthed off a few times and I continued to tell them the same thing. The boys were now near D's truck, and the bully had a rock in his hand. D get's really tweaked about her truck. Her truck got broken into and vandalized in November so just mentioning that it MIGHT hail can make her hyperventalate. But I digress, she told the boys to drop the rock, get away from her truck and get their asses home. We got in her truck for her to drive us back to my door and the little brats were standing in the street playing chicken with her. After a minute it occured to them that it wasn't the best of ideas to play chicken with her gigantic SUV. Anyway we went on home and I told D that I was going to talk to the bully's mother the next morning and ask her to tell him to stop threatening my child and I would also call the bus service provider and talk to the bus drive.

Tuesday morning at the bus stop I'm waiting for the bully's mother so I can have a civilized discussion with her. As she gets to shouting distance she starts yelling at me asking why I was cussing out her kids the day before. I tell her I didn't cuss at her kids. She starts cussing me telling me how I can't cuss her kids and all the kids were saying that I had cussed out her kids and she didn't cuss her kids (which is a fucking lie because I've heard her do it) and she'd never cuss my kid and how I better never cuss her kid again or she would call the police (said Po-lease) on me. No I wasn't silent during this at all, I quickly realized that bitch wasn't listening and I started yelling back at her that I hadn't cussed her child, that he needed to stop threatening my kid or I would be the one calling the police. The yelling went back and forth for about 5 minutes, she finally shut her fuck ignorant mouth after I turned and walked away from her, but she was asking other kids if they had told their mother's that I had cussed them out and when they said no she said she was going to tell them.

So I call my sister when I get home after I cleaned my living room and calmed down a bit. I told her what happened and she mentioned that when she left that the bully and his brother were blocking the street again and I told her to call the managers of the townhouses I live in. She hung up with me and called them. She called back in 10 minutes and told me that my manager told her that in the future to call the police and her if the brats were blocking the road again as it's not the first time these kids have done this. The manager also wanted me to call her regarding that mornings incident. I explained to the manager what had happened, she asked me where the woman lived and then told me that that person had already been served a 30 day eviction notice due to other complaints about her unruly kids and that she had to be out by February 6th. She went on to say that if there were any other incidents of children blocking cars I was to call the police and her and this woman would receive a 24 hours to evict notice as the management has had enough of this family and them getting a criminal complaint would be the last straw. It was a very informative call as I learned that the new management that took over in September was working hard to get rid of Welfare Momma and others like her and working hard to keep good tenants like us. So apparently between October and the beginning of January there had been enough complaints regarding Welfare Momma's kids that they were given the evict notice. (I'm now wondering if the there will be a big block party when she's gone.)

But wait! There's more! When I went to pick up Super Girl from the bus I notice a mom standing out there that I had not seen before. After the kids got off the bus, I saw the mother talking to her son and heard her asking him if I was the woman who had swore at him. I stuck around as I knew this must be the mom that Welfare Momma had talked to. Her son shook his head no and she approached me asking if her son had been involved in an incident yesterday. I told her no and briefly explained that the incident in question involved an older child threatening to beat up my child and had nothing to do with John-John. She asked if I had spoken to that childs mother and I told her yes that the mother had been out yelling at me just that morning, but the incident was taken care of and had nothing to do with her little boy. She was satisfied and left.

Sheesh!

Life Lesson #396
Always Check Before You Sit


That's a rule I live by when I use a public restroom, I generally don't worry about it when I'm in the sanctity of my own bathroom. As it's MY bathroom I'm pretty confident of the paper levels as I'm the one who maintains that bathroom. I have toilet paper confidence when it comes to my bathroom. Yesterday my TP Confidence was shaken, the sanctity of my sacred bathroom was disturbed. As I reached for TP I was greeted with a sad empty roll. Then I remembered, one should ALWAYS check TP levels before sitting and commiting. That of course leads to the next lesson...

Life Lesson #397
Never Trust A Toddler To Fetch TP

Being in the above situation left me with no alternative but to send Cabbage Patch on a mission to procure TP from the upstairs bathroom. I gave her specific instructions, watched her leave and waited, waited, waited for what seemed an eternity as my butt started too go numb. She finally returned empty handed claiming "Dere's no toilet paper up dere." (which I knew was completly in accurate.) I questioned her about where she looked briefly before I realized what a pointless endevor it was and grabbed some Kleenex to take care of things (yes I know I should have just done that first, but I really thought "Go upstairs to daddy's bathroom and get some toilet paper" was an easy enough task, and since she was loitering in the bathroom as I peed, I thought I'd just get new TP and not use up all the tissue, silly me).

Live and learn.

Showing My Intelect
Or
Making It Obvious I'm An Idiot

The other night K and I were having a discussion about literature. I can't remember the exact details other than my stinging humiliation of being utterly and totally wrong after pompously professing my great knowledge of this subject because I did after all take accelerated English in high school and did quite well in college English.

What was I wrong about? Whether it was The Rhyme Of The Ancient Mariner or Billy Budd that had an albatros in it.

It was the first one mentioned, though I SWORE it was Billy Budd. *sigh* We even bet on it.

In my own defence (my desperate attempt to save face actually) both works are HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE and out right painful to read. I actually did not READ either completly (well I did have to suffer through listening to the tape of the poem in class - kept falling asleep and then we read part of Billy Budd in class, again I had trouble focusing my consiousness). I read notes on it and hoped I would be sitting near enough to someone to cheat my way through the test (I wasn't so lucky on either test). So basically I didn't have a fucking clue what I was talking about.

I admit it, I am a semi-college educated dork and I can't remember jack of what I learned in high school. (I told them that I'd never need geometry, but NOOOOOOOOO they still made me take it!)

Laughing Out Loud

This morning my hot sexy boyfriend XXX called me and casually told me to visit a site that led to this. (not work safe, don't view at work, don't say I didn't warn you) I burst out laughing and nearly forgot about cliking on the link to RentAMidget. (which is also very funny). After looking at The Accomodater I paged down, still giggling and saw The Executive... and got to laughing again as I thought of all the Executives I used to work at in the corporate world. heh... I may never be able to hold an office job again.

And off that SAME page, I found this Spank Me kit, look at the description... I'm no expert on spanking, but I'm not Warming Massage Oil, Peppermint Cooling Cream, Refreshing Wet Wipe and Mood Setting Tea Lights are all that necessary, but I'm certainly curious about the Erotic Spanking Guide. hmmmm....

Mommy Brag Time

Today Super Girl brought her report card home. She made all 3's (which is where right where she should be)! And she got a certificate for being the most improved student (I think it was refering to more her behavior, not her grades as she had mostly 3's last grading period) and a certificate for perfect attendance this 9 weeks as well.

I'm so darn proud of her I got all teary eyed!

Bus Fuss

When Super Girl got off the bus today she tells me that someone was trying to choke her on the bus (she didn't have any marks on her so apparently they didn't hurt her). Unfortunately the regular bus driver has been gone the past two days and that means it's utter chaos on the bus. Super Girl pointed out the kid who was trying to choke her as he got of the bus. I was very angry at this point. I asked the kid what was he doing to my kid. This is the kid of Welfare Momma. This is the kid who has been suspended from the bus for a month. He (and his brother I think) claimed they didn't do anything to her, that she was sitting in the front of the bus where she usually does and they were in the back. I had already ask Super Girl where she was sitting and she had told me that she was in the back (where she's not supposed to be). This kid got smart with me and I told him that he better keep his fucking hands off my kid. Yes I did swear at a kid. I couldn't help it. I'm tired of that kid bullying other kids.

Yesterday as we walked home he and his brother started yelling insults at Cody, telling him "Shut up fat boy!" and saying shit like "Yo mamma is so fat..." (not that they have any room to say that shit, their mamma is bigger than me and Cody's mom put together). They kept it up for a few minutes. It pissed me off, but I didn't say anything, just urged the kids to ignore the little assholes. The protective mother in me wanted to take up for Cody, but I know that wasn't really my place. I remember being the Fat Kid and I would have been mortified if someone's mother would have taken up for me - horribly embarrased and probably teased even more. Cody is like 11 or 12 and he's pudgy and he's a really nice kid. I know it hurt when the kids were teasing him, he got really quiet. I know I did the 'right' thing in the mom area by encouraging the kids to ignore the little brats, but I couldn't help feeling like I didn't do enough. *sigh* Being a mom is hard some days.

New Years Eve and Day

Pardon me for being a lazy ass about reporting on my NYE party and NYD party. I've been busy having horrible headaches for the past couple of days. I've taken some medicine (actually the stuff that made me all whacked out at a game where I had the brain shark on my head) so please excuse me if this post get's whacked out and makes no sense (I still have a headache too).


Me and My Date


I left for the party with the Rennies about 7:30 pm (with fabulous hair I might add). Since XXX was miles away at a different party I took Angry Albino Sock Monkey as my date for the evening. We had a long discussion on the way to the party about him not embarassing me by getting sloppy drunk or getting all touchy feely with me (or anyone else for that matter - nothing worse than being felt up by a drunk monkey). He promised me he would be on his best behavior (well actually he let out a string of expletives that I won't repeat and said something like "You'll have to fucking lock me in the damn trunk to keep me from the booze and ho's!").

We arrived shortly after 8 pm. I lugged in the ice and food (fucking monkey didn't even lift a finger to help). Then I made a drink. Lime vodka is rather odd but nice.

Some people were out on the deck shooting the flint locks when I arrived (the party was north of where I live, out in the country so guns and fireworks were on the agenda).

I didn't know to many people at the party so I just wandered around with AASM (who they kept calling the EVIL MONKEY and saying he was creepy - which he loved). After a short time they put in An Evening With Kevin Smith. At this point I wasn't sure this was going to be such a good party - I'm not really into parties where we all sit around and watch movies, but what the fuck, the alternatives for me were to go home and spend the evening watching movies with my gay husband, so I sat and drank and watched. The movie was DVD was actually pretty damn funny.


The monkey made me take that photo. We were in the bathroom.

More people showed up. AASM started giving Laurie the eye and was a pure ass to me the rest of the night. After the first DVD everyone headed out on the deck and it was time for more fire works. (at one point one of the roman candle thingies fell over and shot it's last one toward my car. Gasps from everyone on the deck and someone said "Who's car is that?" To which I replied calmly "That's my fucking car! Don't you hit my fucking car or I'll kick your ass - and I'm sober so I can fucking do it!" The shot actually went OVER my car and after about 60 seconds it went off lighting up my car spectacularly - wish I had gotten a picture of that!)

They saved the best fireworks for midnight - it was very cool. At midnight I kissed that evil little monkey even though he was still trying to get his hands on Laurie. Bastard monkey. *sigh* made me miss XXX.

I left the party about 1 am as I had to work on Saturday morning so I needed to get a wee bit of sleep. Right before I left Laurie expressed her intrest in AASM and her desire to have him. He nearly broke my arm leaping to her. I made a quick deal with her, ya know since she was taking my date. I pimped his ass out with the words "How much ya got on ya?" The deal was done and I left empty handed (and cash stuffed in my bra). I am the Monkey Pimp!


And I still looked good when I got home.

(*note* I didn't include any photos of people from the party as you don't know them and wouldn't give a crap)

XXX will have to come to the next party, the party was cool and all but I didn't know everyone all that much and it's so much more fun to be at a party with someone you can whisper little things to and point and laugh together.


New Years Day Party

This was actually just our normally scheduled game night but it turned into as party as the only people who could show were The Postman and Giggles and Petey and The Bear. Petey came prepared with supplies to make Irish Coffee.

I didn't take even one damn photo! And I didn't even get a wee bit drunk either. Hmmm.. I wonder if there is a connection between me photo documenting mine and Petey's decent into drunkenness and our drinking... dunno.

We had a delightful time playing games, talking, eating and drinking. I made some of the traditional New Years foods - black eyed pea dip, Greek coin cake, lentils and of course black eyed peas. Last year I think I made a shit load more but I also didn't have to work that day.

All in all it was a damn good start to the New Year. And in 10 days this new year will get even better. ;o)

Rainy Days


It's been raining a lot here lately. Today it rained all morning and eased off in the afternoon. It wasn't raining at 3:30 pm when Super Girl got out of school. When she got off the bus today her first words were "Mamma! The bridge is flooded over!" When I asked her to clarify, she and several of her school mates informed me that the creek was flooded and the water was over part of the road and was flooding into the lake. I promised Super Girl that we would head home to grab my camera and go to the lake to investigate.

Boy was I surprised to see just how much water was there. Many parts of the trail around the lake were completly inaccessable for the water pouring over from the creek that runs next to the lake. The bridge we walk over to go to Super Girl's dance class was completly submerged. Now that has happened before, but not to this extent. Usually the water would be too high and would be rushing over the small low bridge but today there was no sign of the bridge at all.



The Little People were amazed by the waters. I was amazed as well. I spoke to some other people standing around gawking at the water, no one had ever seen the waters quite that high.

I'm hopeing that the rains will let up long enough for the waters to recede - having the creek just feet from my door makes me nervous about all the rain (although I have been checking the creek behind me and it doesn't seem to be terribly high, let's hope this forecast of a week of rain doesn't change that!).

And finally this is my favorite picture, I just loved how this tree looked with the dark clouds behind it.

New Year, New Post

Okay I'm just going to cop out on this one and fill it full of quiz crap. Why? Because Petey did it first! heh.

The kissing test*:
Judy, you're a Passionate Kisser

That's right, you've got all the moves. There's something about your approach to kissing that's natural, smooth, and ultimately, very charming. You know that to lure your mate you need to play the part — from knowing all the moves to looking pulled together — whatever that means for you.

Some may call you a player, but we know that all the flash and show with which you attract your dates is a cover for what you're really after — a terrific connection with someone who likes what you have to offer.

You're more confidant than some when it comes to matters of the mouth, which is why you may be used to delivering seriously smoldering smooches. Just remember that while you're gooooood when you rely on your standbys, a little spontaneity might be even better.

And on the Passion Predictor test*:

Judy, you're a Guardian Angel!

Chances are you've kicked around the idea of settling down on some shady lane with your honey and maybe even thought about having a kid or a couple of pets. Even if you've never cooked a pot roast or picked out fabric for curtains, we'll bet you've got solid nurturing instincts nestled within.

That's why, when it comes to your partner, you're the Mother Teresa of romantic relationships. Doing little things like planning cool vacations and jotting a quick love note, tells your partner daily how much you care. This A+ quality not only makes you a compassionate lover, but also a trusted friend.

Here's the rub: You're ready to give and give, but sometimes you might get resentful when your significant other doesn't return the favor. It can be difficult for you to let people fend for themselves, but try to focus on maintaining balance. Be sure to look out for number one, and try to indulge yourself as often as you indulge those you care about.

Honestly this was a weird test... it asks what breakfast cereal you are in bed!!

And finally the flirt test*:

Hey there, slick! We think it's pretty safe to say that you're a Smooth Flirt. You've got all the right moves, and you're confident that your target will appreciate all your winks and smiles. All it takes is the perfect line, right? Maybe so, as long as you deliver it with your charm meter set to "stun." Your flirting style is the perfect mix of body language and pure animal magnetism. With you on their trail, how can your prey possibly hope to get away? Seduction is inevitable. Just make sure not to overdo it. There's something to be said for simple, direct conversation. Your way with words and smooth moves guarantee that you'll hit the bullseye.

heh... silly.

* I'm too damn lazy this morning to link to the actual tests, so head over to Petey's blog, where he has done exactly that!

I'm An Animal

I just took this test (what's your inner animal) on Tickle.

Judy, you're a Tiger in the wild world of love.

Grrrr. Go get 'em, Tiger! You know what you want and how to get it. And with your powerful stealth and impressive attitude — who are we to tell you otherwise? You're a natural predator in the lush jungle of love. With plenty of poise, power, and perfect timing, you'll charm the pants off any target you set your sights on. You've got beauty and grace that's irresistible to most who cross your path. Your territory is so well marked, it's not surprising that you sometimes can be a bit of a loner instead of hanging with the pack.

Sophisticated and discriminating, you set your standards high when out hunting for love. Trendy new hot spots are probably your typical habitat — though any place you can find sleek, beautiful mates is good in your book. Your confidence and charm will certainly get your partner purring. And whether it's your bold patterns or the stealthy way you pounce, there's just something people can't resist about you.

heh... funny, no wonder I like meat so much. ;o)

What The Hell Is Wrong With Me???
Don't answer that, don't make me bitch slap you!

Sheesh, I've been so side tracked this morning I just realized I haven't had a cup of coffee yet! *wanders off to make a delightful cup*

*45 minutes later*
I think I'm ready for my second cup now. It's a crazy morning. I think Super Girl senses that her winter break is nearing the end so it's necessary to be as crazy as possible.

*later*
Fuck, this has taken me over 2 hours to write this much... Will have to try again later.

what's this?


Why it's Spider Man! At least that's what Cabbage Patch swears. Who am I to argue with her artistic interpretations?

CATS


My cats are being tolerant of me. My camera batteries are fully charges - all ready for the New Years Eve party.

Handfull of Rodents


My rodents are cohabitating now. It happened last Friday. It had to happen as Hanta had chewed an escape hole in her tiny cage. Well let me start from the beginning to tell the whole all to damn cute and sickeningly sweet story. I got up about 9:30 am or so as K was off work and he said I could sleep in and he'd keep the Tiny Terrorists busy while I slept. An offer to sleep in is RARE so I took him up on it and directed Chaos and Destruction upstairs to wake him when they burst into my room at 7:30 am.

When I finally awoke to a oddly quiet home, I found my newest gerbil in the gerbil ball on the living room floor. I instantly started making plans on how to inflict unbelievable suffering on K if he had left my gerbil in the ball and he'd left to meet with his friends. I got Hanta out of the ball and put her in her cage. After putting the gerbil ball away I turned to discover Hanta's head peeking out of the cage. Oh! My mental list of suffering was put on hold as I pondered what to do next. Hanta was now standing on her cage sniffing Bea's cage. I decided it was time to see if the gerbils would get along. I highly anticipated another gerbil death match and didn't get my camera but did prepare to separate tiny rodents. I opened Bea's cage and Hanta imediately walked in, Bea met her and to my surprise she licked her instead of tried to tear her little head off. Since that moment there has been much cute gerbil love and gerbil cuddling. Bea follows Hanta around a lot and they snuggle together in the nest. It's very cute.

Oh and I didn't get to finish my list of mysery for K as he walked the door just a few moments after I had shut the cage of gerbil love. When he discovered Hanta's escape hatch he had hightailed it to Petsmart to get a new cage and some connecting tubing as he thought the gerbils weren't prepared for cohabitation yet. Alls well that ends well.

Pity Party

Warning, you are about to enter my pity party, guaranteed to be absolutly selfserving and self centered.

Have you ever felt desperately alone? Do you remember what it was like to feel like you weren't part of any group in high school? Feel like maybe the only reason you were invited along was out of pity? Yeah that's where I'm at right now. I'm feeling acutely isolated. I really hate that.

I feel like some people who were very close to me are pulling away, wanting me to disapear from their lives. Just not calling when they said they would, not talking to me much anymore... I guess I'm easy to forget or annoying enough to want to forget.

I'm trying to make more friends, but even there I'm not sure I'm doing so well. I don't really think certain people really like me all that much. I think I try to hard and come off as desperate - I think that's probably true in all areas of my life. I had friends I would talk to all the time, every day and late into the night. Now I'm lucky if they answer me when I message them. Maybe I should just stop trying. Just give everyone what they want and leave them the hell alone.

I'm not sure why I'm going through this right now. I haven't felt this way since high school and now this is so foreign yet so familiar. Part of me says "fuck it, i'll go be a hermit. If people want me they'll let me know, just give up." the other part of me wholeheartedly disagrees and says to keep trying, but I'm not sure I'm up for more rejection. I don't know why I feel so alone and friendless, I think I'm a nice enough person, I bathe regularly, I don't think I'm frightening looking, I don't know, maybe I'm just not good enough.

That's my bigest fear in life, that I'm not good enough. Maybe I'm just not good enough to be anyone's friend, not good enough to be part of anything, my efforts just aren't good enough, my work is never good enough. I think that's it, I'm just not good enough. Alright then, I suppose I should start looking for a place to live out my life as a hermit and develop a love for owning multiple cats or dogs or something. Isolation is probably better than rejection.

No worries, I'm just really, really sad and lonely right now. I'll be fine tomorrow and I'll write some of my normal stupid things to entertain all 3 of you who read this blog.

Time To Prepare

Now that the December holidays are done, it's time to prepare for the most important day of the year. No not New Year day silly. Elvis' Birthday! Elvis Day!!!


January 8th marks the incredible day. Elvis Day! I do my damnedest to celebrate every year. I feel it is my duty as a white trash Southerner to make sure that my progeny learn about the great one, Elvis. So we celebrate Elvis Day. What other holiday involves eating as much fried food as one can humanly consume.... (hmmmm... wait... that's kind of like Hannukah... maybe... Elvis... was... a... JEW!! heh {actually some accounts of his druged out and paranoid end days include him converting to the Jewish faith}) Anyway, fried foods, sequined jumpsuits and Elvis movies! I'm petitioning for Elvis Day to become a national holiday. Why not? Elvis is as american as Velveeta cheese and monster trucks. There really needs to be a national holiday just for trailer trash redneck people. I urge you to join me in my celebration of ELVIS DAY - pull out your sequined jumpsuit and swing by KFC on your way home for that big bucket of extra cripsy (don't forget your sides of biscuits, taters and extra gravy!), head over to Blockbuster to rent your favorite Elvis Movies. Elvis Day is a day for family so everyone pile up on the couch to eat KFC, drink beer and watch as many movies as you can. *note: popping pills, shoting the TV and having heart attack on the toilet are not recommended optional activities - although they would add to the authenticity of the evening*

Mark your calendars! Elvis Day is 11 days away!

2004 Holiday Letter

Happy Holidays! As usual for the past few years I've been to freaking lame to mail out Chanukah/Christmas cards and tuck in a cute little holiday letter informing peeps of my year (hell just the delima of trying to decide which holiday to represent with the cards is enough to make me need a drink, best to just say to hell with it all and save the postage). Again as usual I'm doing it here on the blog. (I'm not sure I did do it last year, maybe... I know I did it at least one year). So here it is. Just pretend you got it in the mail.

Dear Friends and Family and Internet;

Wow what a year it has been! A Good year! Husband is still gay. Kids are good. Life is good. AND I met the most amazing man in the world and fell madly in love with him. Yup, that's the best part. After 2 years of seeing the same guy (Home Depot), we broke up abruptly at the begining of January. Thanks to D I met XXX a few weeks later and was instantly smitten. Really I was, the moment I saw him - despite me telling myself to get a GRIP, shit like this only happens in movies and romance novels, I still was floating. I dumped all other guys I was dating after that. He really is amazing, I just think about him and smile. He's smart, he's funny and he's incredibly sexy. And I feel incredibly lucky to have him as my boyfriend.

What else? I mean what else could there be other than an amazing man in my life, fabulous sex (with a live person, not just electronic pleasure devices) and intelectual stimulation? Oh yeah, the Little People.

Super Girl started kindergarten. I was aprehensive at first, me being the overprotective mother that I am worried that she would not do well and would not like school (actually it was my own anxieties from my own horrific kindergarten experience). The first day we took her to school and she just about gave us the bums rush out of the school. So much for her not adjusting. Cabbage Patch however wailed the moment we turned to go. She wanted to stay with Super Girl. *sigh* Back home she continued to ask when Super Girl would be home, which just broke my heart. 3:30 pm couldn't come soon enough for either of us. It took 30 minutes waiting in the pick up line to get Super Girl. That alone made me certain that I wanted her riding the bus. The next day was the First Day On The Bus. Again I needed to take calming deep breaths to deal with that, but despite my paranoid fears NOTHING happened and at 3:40 pm she exited the bus beaming from ear to ear. Eventually I realized that school is a fabulous thing. For half of the day I have one less child to make a mess! One less mess maker! AND she is LEARNING! Woohoo! So that's where my tax dollars are going. I think back to the moments of insanity as a new mother when Super Girl was just a baby and how I swore I would home school her. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! What was I thinking???? I am so not cut out for that crap. Anyway, she loves school and continues to shock me with how much she's learned.

Cabbage Patch is totally loving not having her sister home most of the day now. She talks non stop these days, and since her sister, who also talks non stop, but much louder, is gone half of the day, I can actually hear that what she is saying (although much of it is still in that alien toddler language so I don't always understand what she's saying). Her newest BIG words that come out so clear are IRRITATING as in "Super Girl stop that." "Why?" "Because it's irritating." and DISGUSTING as in "Get your finger out of your nose, that's disgusting." I'm glad she listens to me sometimes.

We've had some funny moments with the Little People. Like when Super Girl brushed her teeth with Personal Lubricant. heh or Cabbage Patch winning Jenga by putting all the blocks in the milk jug. They've covered them selves in baby powder prompting me to think of the Cingular commercial with the "Flour the children" line. There was the missing fish (that mystery was NEVER solved) and the tragic mass suicide of the entire tank of fish. My brunch with my former high school nemisis (who is no longer a nemisis so I really need to find something else to call her). Super Girl getting sick in the middle of the night and throwing up in her sisters bed (that's funny because I didn't have to clean that one up). I made a most fabulous costume for my sister for her first year on Scarby Cast and I had a fun time attending Scarby when I could. We had a fabulous Seder with lots of Kosher wine (and weird pictures). My cat took a week long vacation from us, but for some insane reason she CAME back. Crazy feline. Saw Jesus in my 'hood driving around in his pimped out silver Cadilac Escalade. In one fabulous evening with XXX I managed to set my hair on fire (setting out the candles for the romantic mood - he never knew about that), impress him with my fine choice of wines by asking him to open it and having it discoverd that the wine was a screw top and finally in an attempt to impress him with a lovely breakfast having smoke pouring out of the oven (one should really check the oven before turning on the broiler). Amazingly he didn't laugh and he's still my hot and sexy boyfriend. Angry Albino Sock Monkey was created! My EVIL creation LIVES! (still for sale, ya want one, you know you do - give me money and I'll give you monkey) I got my braces off (YAY!). I have had several fabulous visits to XXX and hopefully 2005 holds several more fabulous visits. Since I'm a chicken shit and usually travel via Greyhound I've been fortunate enough to meet several freaks on the bus - I figured out early that it's best to find your freak as opposed to having a freak find you. It works out well and makes for an intesting ride most times (last time with the drunk who was hitting on me was more irritating and less interesting). I had the absolute worst 'garden' this year, maybe 2005 will be the year of plastic plants for me. I got a lovely case of poison ivy - on my face! Got coffee makers for my birthday. Blessed are those who feed my addiction. Koko the gorilla (my birthday twin) was a bitch and stood me up for our usual birthday drink - bitch. The wee ones visited Grandma and GiGi for a week and came back convinced I had somehow shrunk our cats (their cats are huge, my cats are the compact verson) - it took 3 weeks to convince them that I did NOT shrink out cats. The higher powers sent a gerbil to us, which I dubbed Bubonic Plauge, Bea for short. I lost my drivers license at the end of August only to have the grocery store (who I had called three times in the week after I lost it) call me in October to tell me they had it. I cooked a meal for 35 people (a reception dinner) and it was FABULOUS. I pondered why my cats couldn't speak, then realized I'd be driven crazy by them if they could. I had the great hair disaster where I accidentally colored my hair a deep plum color - it looked shitty. Partied with The Queen on his birthday. Drank to much and flashed the party. I've managed to read two books this year - TWO whole books! Wooohoo! My celing fan in my living room was finally fixed! It only took 4 or 5 months. I did some illustrations and went to the GAYEST Halloween party ever! (It was a gay/lesbian parents group party) Had an impromptu party at our place (and it ROCKED!) - go check out the photos back in October to see my and Petey's progression to drunkeness. Thanksgiving was busy - cooked too much and ate too much. December brought Hannukah and the Little People LOVED that. Christmas followed - again the Little People LOVED all the pressies. In between all that I got a mother of a ticket (which I have to head to the court house tomorrow to arrange to take care of it). I've been cranky most of this month - lack of XXX does that to me, but now I'm looking forward to January (gonna visit my hot sexy man soon!) and 2005. I'm pretty damn sure it will be better than 2004.

How Sweet It Is

I've been baking this evening. I made the mistake of deciding to make Reindeer Brownies in addition to the other goodies I've been baking for K's family. Reindeer Brownies are just brownies decorated with M&M's and pretzels to look vaguely like reindeers. Mmmmm brownies. Frosting. M&M's. I had a Dr. Pepper with dinner too. I'm on a serious sugar high. I think I can feel my hair growing. I vibrating.

What's Wrong With This Picture?

A special prize goes to the first person to correctly answer the above question for THIS picture.

The Day That Lasted For 48 Hours
Or
Where Is That Childrens Chewable Valium????

Today started out fine enough. My progeny allowed me to sleep just past 8 am. A rare and sweet occurance that I treasure as I'm usually up at 6 am. Everyday. 6 am everyday. Let's all say that together now - 6 AM EVERYDAY. Okay, I think you get the idea.

Sleeping in to such a late hour left me with a false sense of security and confidence for a calm and peaceful day. Heh, foolish me. Having both of my offspring home all day is never calm nor peaceful. Usually it's not so bad, but it's also not usually raining at 8 am with the temperatures at a delightful 38 and the promise it plummeting with a 'wintery mix' (winter mix in this case means cold rain then sleet and finally soggy snow and freezing temperatures, i.e. hell for those who the night before were planning to take aforementioned offspring outside to burn off energy and save sanity). The Little People continued to perpetuate my delusion of a 'calm and peaceful day' by requesting and eating a breakfast of scrambled eggs and juice. This is an ultimate rarity as scrambled eggs are usually met with twisted up little faces and whines of "ewwwww! I don't like scrambled eggs! Can't we have cereal?"

After eating their breakfast and playing with Barbie and her bitch Ken while mommy checked e-mail... no wait, scratch that, while mommy cleaned viruses off her computer (more on that later), the Little People investigated the tapping noise on the window. The tap, tap, tapping noise was none other than the start of sleet. Sudden excitement insued as they mistook the tiny balls of ice accumulating in the planters for snow. The door was opened a few times for their curiousity to be satisfied. Back to Barbies.

Then it happened, I entered the first level of hell. Near 10 am the sleet changed to SNOW. Big fluffy flakes. Somehow the Little People knew it was snowing without even seeing. I starting hearing squeals of "It's snowing!" and requests to go out and play. This worked briefly to my advantage to get them to pick up the thousands of tiny Barbie accessories littering my living room floor - "Well you have to pick up your stuff before we can go out and play." Then it all went to shit. It was now time to round up winter clothing. For some reason all of the nice winter accessories like hats, scarves and gloves were not where they were supposed to be. So the quest for the missing gloves began.

Glove quest.

Now I personally have bought no less than 8 pairs of gloves (well 7 and one set of mittens). Last month I bought two pair in preparation for the cold weather. This morning, one hot pink glove and one red glove. I told the progeny that they had to find gloves - them not me. This also worked briefly to my advantage as I told them that I was fairly certain that at least ONE glove was in the dress up bins, hence they would have to CLEAN the toy area to find gloves. By noon it was nap time and after many reminders that no one could go play until two sets of gloves were found and many threats were issued through clenched teeth (mine) a black glove was found, a black mitten was found and a light pink glove was found. 5 hand coverings, that works. Off to naps.

Coat? What coat?

After short naps (DAMN!) Hell resumed, this time I was on a much deeper level having taken the express elevator as directed by my offspring. The tiny terrorists wanted to go out even more now. I asked a simple question "where is your coat Super Girl?" "I dunno." Grrrr... After 2 hours of me telling her to LOOK FOR IT, it was determined her coat is NOT in the house. Not happy now. Very NOT happy. But it's workable. I start dressing the kids for playing outside in the now 28 degree temperatures (19 with the wind chill) and ask yet another seemingly simple question "Where is your hat Cabbage Patch?" "I dunno." Damn it.

I saw the freaking hat just yesterday. I don't know what they did with it. I told them that if Cabbage Patch did NOT have a hat, then no one would go out to play in the snow. It took them a half an hour to actually go up stairs and find the damn hat. at 4:30 pm with hats, mismatched gloves, warm clothing and scarves, we ventured out into the weather to play. We returned at 5 pm to have hot chocolate and peanutbutter crackers. I hate snow almost as much as I hate snow days.

Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!
But Fer Fucks-Sake Make It Stop In Dallas!

Fuck it's snowing here. I dislike snow. Snowing in Dallas means dangerous driving conditons. And cold. I don't like to be cold and since my sweetie is far, far away from me, I don't even have someone to snuggle with under the covers. *pout*

Stop Snowing Damn It! Okay, I feel better.

Damn The Other Grandparents!!
Or What An Incredibly Shallow Bitch I Am.

So K has been finalizing plans with his family regarding our X-mas get together. This means gift exchange. *sigh* This usually means more crappy toys for my offspring. This year at the annual Thanksgiving thing the grandparents requested ideas on what to get for my offspring. I generally ask that people NOT get my progeny toys as the house already looks like I've robbed a toy store. I rattled off a list of acceptable DVDs to get for the kids. I did this as last year Grandpa H managed to give the progeny the most horrible and horendously awful gifts - two talking books (one that expecially annoying purple fiend) and a DVD *"the Great Longneck Migration". Now the real bitch as far as awful presents is that KIDS LOVE THEM! If you as a parent have the urge to jab red hot spoons in your ears every fucking time you hear it (because they are always noisy), then your offspring will LOVE it. And by love I mean play with it to the exclusion of everything else, I mean drag it everywhere they go, I mean hold on to it for dear life every time you even attempt to take it away (for a moment's peace and to make it 'disapear'), I mean they will take it to bed with them for safe keeping, I mean they use it drive the very last particle of sanity out of your very being, that kind of LOVE (obsession).

The list I gave was short and included things I KNEW I could tolerate and one thing I absolutly LOVE. I listed Barbie movies (which do suck but I can ignore and it totally mesmerizes them for about 15 - 20 minutes) and Shrek 2 (I figured asking for Spiderman 2 would be to obvious that it was for me and not them). K spoke to his father and his father told him that he had purchased a Barbie movie and some jacked up baby genius DVDs. WHAT????? No SHREK 2?!?!?!? What on earth does my child NEED to learn at this point that she can't get from Shrek 2??? Really???

First the grandparents on my side send a box full of packing peanuts cleverly disguised as packing for a few toys (but I know it was just to mess up my living room!!!) and now the other doesn't come trough with Shrek 2???? What is wrong with them??? (really and truely the wee ones have wanted Shrek 2 since they saw it in the theater, so it's NOT just me) Just for that I am going to photo copy my ticket and give it to them with a note telling them to contact the Plano Police dept for their present as that's where the pressie money went. (not really, K won't let me do that!)



* 'The Great Longneck Migration' is one of the worst childrens movies ever made. I am appaled and disgusted that James Garner is so down on his luck that he actually did a voice in this piece of crap. This movie does however explain why the dinos became extinct. Seems that all of the plant eaters were sappy, emotional, whiney, irritating and tended to break out into a song and dance routine at the drop of a hat making them easy prey for the less sappy, emotional and not at all whiney or musically inclined preditors.

Two Snaps Up And a Circle!


I just saw that among the Barbies and accessories there was some clothing options for Ken (fag). I had to stifle my laughter as I saw what the Little People chose for him to wear today. Ken truly is the Gayest Of Them All in this outfit - fer fucks sake he's got on GOLD shoes!!!!

Shoes


I've always had a serious shoe fixation. I won't mention the exact number of pairs of shoes I own as the number is rediculous. One time before I got married I counted all the pairs of shoes as I packed them in box after box and the total was 67. Yes I do have delirious dreams of squandering a small countries wealth on fine and fancy footwear. Imelda was to be envied.

But I digress (as usual), the Little People recieved Barbie and accessories last night from their favorite aunt (D) and her best friend Barrie (their favorite 'aunt'). This morning as I looked at the nightmare of cleaning of accesories on the floor I could not help but be insanely jealous over Barbie's fantastic shoes! (the gold stilettos are my favorite although I can't walk in stilettos to save my life)

Yes I know I need help. Maybe all the cookies for breakfast is affecting my brain today.

Near Jail Experience


Sometimes I tempt fate/karma/destiny and I don't even know it. Last night as we drove through Plano to go to the freaking Super Target (we had a gift card and figured we'd buy some overpriced groceries there and save our cash) I told K about how I felt a tad guilty because I had sold a package to a couple for $94 but I should have talked them into buying the $89 package instead as they would have gotten more and would have saved a few dollars. As I start this story and how my sad sales for yesterday were probably my karmic pay off for that, I pull up to a red light right next to a Plano police car. Heh, great. My cars stickers are expired. AND as some people know I'm driving around with a suspended drivers license. As luck would have it we catch the very next red light as does the police car. Damn. I hope I haven't gotten his attention but I'm fairly certain I have when he pulls behind my car and follows me for the next couple of blocks. K is turning red in the passenger seat as his blood pressure goes up. When I turn on my blinker to turn into a shopping center the officer turns on the Christmas lights and I'm officially being pulled over. As I park the car I tell K to calm down it's not a big deal and he feels the neccessity to remind me of the fact that driving on a suspended license is an arrestable offense - he didn't need to remind me of that, it had already flashed through my mind (like right when I saw the police car). I joked that it was a damn good thing I was wearing make-up and dressed nice as I'd hate to have a crappy mug shot. He didn't think I was funny.

The nice officer explained that he pulled me over because of my expired stickers and took my license - I offered him my ID as well saying "It has a better picture" which made him smile so I figured my chances of suffering police brutality on the way to jail were pretty low.

I continued to alternately joke about going to jail and reassure K that the sky was not in fact falling as the nice officer sat in his car with my identification (both license and ID) and pondered exactly how many offenses he could put on the ticket and I suppose wrestle with his conscience on whether to traumatize a couple of wee children by handcuffing mom and carting her off to jail in front of them. K didn't even laugh once, I was giving him my BEST stuff and not even a smile. *sigh*

Luckily for me they weren't filming an episode of C.O.P.S. so the nice officer just gave me a hefty ticket, asked me if I'd recieve notification of my suspended license - which I said NO, and it wasn't a lie as I have never gotten notification,(though I was prepared to lie my ass off if he had asked if KNEW about my license being suspended), he explained that it was (which I knew) and that I could go to jail for driving with a suspended license (which I also knew) and that he wasn't going to take me to jail (whew!) since it was so close to Christmas (I didn't bother to mention I'm Jewish) and I thanked him and was thankfull at that moment I didn't live in LA. :o)

After the whole ticket incident I needed a nice strong drink - thank goodness there was a Starbucks in the store. (no booze in the store, damn it!)

So now I have 10 days to take care of things. That's 10 days to figure out how exactly to whore myself out to make enough money to pay my ticket. Any suggestions???

*Note - if you feel the neccessity to tell me how I should have taken care of the stickers on my car or my suspended license, please just keep that to yourself as I already know that and really don't need to hear the obvious - I'd call my relatives if I needed to hear that one! No criticism, just sympathy (or silence) or else I'll send a band of Angry Albino Sock Monkies to your house to preform their ancient and evil Monkey Magic and curse your underwear drawer to be perpetually infested with psychotic gerbils. Now have a nice day.*

Looks Like Snow

At least it did here locally yesterday afternoon. Very locally, like just my living room.

Yesterday about 4 pm I get a knock on my door, it's my friendly (and somewhat cold) UPS delivery guy with a box about half the size of my living room. Ahhhh the presents from the grandparents. Though large it was not heavy. After shoving the box into the middle of the floor space, I cut the box open. Inside were thousands of white packing peanuts. Great. I've never really liked packing peanuts all that much, it must be from the 11 years as an administrative assistant having to pack up crap to be sent out and ending up with packing peanuts all over my desk area on a regular basis. Now that I have progeny I despise packing peanuts. Adults see packing peanuts as a minor nusance to endure which ensures the packaged materials are safe and secure. Children see packing peanuts as an instant and not uncomfortably cold snow storm, the contents of the package is completly irrelavant when packing peanuts are present. (I took their unwrapped presents out of the box with them just 4 feet from me, they NEVER noticed.)

After a quick search through the Packing Peanuts From HELL I discovered that despite the size of the box, there was very little in the way of items needing packing to such extent. Much to the Little People's delight the box was mostly full of packing peanuts and within minutes of removing the packages from the box, my living room had 6 in deep snow drifts.

I know you must be thinking I'm just a horrible bitch for not letting the Little People have their snow storm, but you obviously have never had to clean up a styrofoam packing peanut snow storm. Sweeping makes them scatter, vacuuming is difficult as the small amount of air generated from the brushes in the vacuum cause them to scatter and for some reason some of them tend to be kind of staticy and stick to the broom, vacuum, furniture, pets or clothes. When packing peanuts are used for a snow storm many tend to get torn into tiny little staticy pieces that resist normal cleaning methods. Yesterday I picked up most of the peanuts by hand, then vacuumed very well to get up the tiny pieces and this morning I'm still looking at pieces of them on the floor. Insidious little bastards just hang on to furniture hiding until the floor is completly clean, I'll be finding these particle for the next three weeks.

In summary, packing peanuts are Satan's creation, the UPS store who packaged the presents in such a fucking huge box to use so many of these damn peanuts are obviously the Minions of Satan and the grandparents who sent the box of toys are Evil (but hey, they are my family I think I've covered the Evilness of them before). And the only people who are truly happy are the Little People, because despite me yelling at them and banishing them to their room while I shoveled out the living room, they still have presents and they did after all get their show storm.

You Drew A WHAT?!?!?!


Super Girl brought home this picture she drew just for ME. Take a look at it and tell me what YOU see.

Our conversation went as follows:

Her: I drew this just for you.
Me: Oh thanks.
Me: *with raised eyebrows* What's this? (Pointing to figure on the right)
Her: That's a candy cane.
Me: Ahhh. What's this? (pointing to the more questionable figure on the left)
Her: Oh I just messed up. *wanders off to play tea party with Cabbage Patch*
Me: *thinking how thankful I am it's just a candy cane and not an awfully good depiction of something battery powered in mommy's nightstand drawer*

It's a CANDY CANE you pervert! (yeah I know, so am I)

Welcome Hanta!


I have a new rodent and I'm quite enamored with her. I've named her Hanta Virus, Hanta for short. (yes I know I'm touched in the head for naming my gerbils after rodent borne illnesses - Bea, short for Bubonic Plague). We picked her up earlier this week. I have wanted to get a friend for Bea as I had read on several sites about how gerbils are social creatures and need a buddy or they'll become depressed. I am the last person to want a pet rodent on Prozac so I began looking for a companion female gerbil (no breeding pets for me, I'd rather have a couple of lesbo rodents than have a litter of gerbils to deal with). A continual check of the nearby Pet Smart yielded us no luck as they only carry male gerbils (and other rodents) (we learned of their anti-female rodent policy earlier this week when we finally ASKED if they had any females) - I had contacted a few breeders about wanting a baby but none of the butt-licks.. I mean breeders felt I was deserving of a gerbil or an answer for that matter. We headed south a couple of towns and found the coolest mecca of pets - just as it was about to close! K pleaded with the proprietor that we were just needing a female gerbil and they apparently were the ONLY place in the area that carried them. Everyone scurried out of the car and into the store. I was imediatly in awe of all the exotic little beasties for sale and promised the Little People that we would definitly return to this store if only to let them (and ME) see all of the furry critters I won't ever let them have. We were quickly ushered back to the Wonderful Wall of Rodents (that's what I call it anyway) where we all ooohhed and ahhhed at the amazing selection of rodents - the chinchilla was sooooo cool! Before I became mesmerized by the adorable bunnies, I told the helpful, ever patient proprietor that I wanted the smallest (because it would probably be the youngest) female in the cage that wasn't Cinnamon colored (because I want to be able to tell my rodents apart, duh). The specimen pictured above is what I got.

We paid our $10.81 and left with a little cardboard box wrapped rodent. My rodent.

Once home I proceded to prove to my family what an incredible idiot I truly am. I dumped Hanta into Bea's cage. Suddenly what was intended as a cute and cuddly gerbil moment turned into a caged death match between Hanta and Bea, with Bea being the giant agressor. Despite the gerbils being rather tiny I was still reluctant to stick my unprotected hand in the cage to break up the battle - hey I've seen Bea reduce a wooden spoon into splinters in just a few hours, she can turn a toilet paper roll into shreds in 60 seconds, I wasn't about to have her mistake my fingers for Hanta and have me bitten, because then I'd hate her and seriously consider poisoning her or tossing her to my cat for a treat or something unmentionably horrible that I would consider but never actuallly do. Seeing the danger my new baby was in I skillfully used the box to separate the gerbils (well actually I think I made some uninteligible sounds of panic as I shoved the box in the cage to stop Bea's murderous rampage, luckily Hanta is smart and realized her best chance for survival was to hop off the side of the cage that she had just jumped on and to get IN the box) and removed Hanta from harms way (harms way = Bea's homicidal rage). Hanta is now in her own tiny cage - safe.

Apparently I missed the section in the gerbil FAQ's that said that some gerbils are not so much social as Sociopaths and that the longer they are kept as lone gerbils the more likely they will develop homicidal and sociopathic tendencies. Bea has taken to watching Hanta. she even took all the bedding out of her little penthouse - she used to spend much of her time stuffing her penthouse with bedding or just burrowing in her bedding up there. Now she's made a little nest in the bottom of her cage where she can watch Hanta in her cage. She occasionally goes to the bars to sniff at her and sometimes bites at the bars, I suppose in frustration or anxiety or psychotic rage.

I had read about how it can be difficult to introduce a companion to an older gerbil (Bea is a few months old and considered older), but for some idiotic reason I chose to completly ignore that and just assume that some kind of Disney union would take place and we'd all be knocked into a diabetic coma with sheer cuteness of their new friendship. Not so. Now I surf the internet for tips on introduction and antipsychotic medication in gerbil doses. I don't want to have a dead gerbil, I also don't want two cages to clean. I'm giving then just a few weeks to get used to each other and then I'm going to get rid of one (most likely Bea will go live with B (I'll have to check if it's even legal to give a gay man a gerbil) and I'll get a companion for Hanta) if they can not live together. I want two gerbils, cute and cuddly and if I wait to long and they never accept each other (well really if Bea continues to be a sociopath) then I'll have the same issues with Hanta. So that's where it stands, Hanta Virus and Bubonic Plague are incompatible, but there is much hope that they can co-exist.

Jesus Is The Reason? Really?

This article just galls me. (read it) I thought about it all day long before writing this (wanted to make sure I was properly offensive to everyone). This group is talking about putting ‘Christ’ back in Christmas by forcing stores to put MERRY CHRISTMAS on their advertisements or they won’t shop there. Yeah, that’s a really GOOD way to show the CHRISTMAS spirit. (eyes rolling up in head) I mean really, isn’t Christmas all about the colorful lights and the big ol’ tree all covered in ornaments and a mountain of presents to tear into on Christmas morning? Since I’m a Jew I might be confused, but I’m going back on my 7 years as a Christian convert for this knowledge. I may not have read that book really well, but I don’t think I saw anything in there about how Mary and Joseph set up a grand Christmas tree next to the baby’s manger, nor do I recall hearing how the three wise men brought fabulous presents from Baby Gap, Old Navy and Gymboree for Jesus. I'm pretty confident there was no Baby's First Christmas ornament up on the tree. I’m kind of foggy on whether there were lovely blinking lights strung over the stable, I do recall something about a bright and sparkly star, so maybe there was. I can’t remember or not if there was a passage about how the shepherds got caught in traffic trying to get to Jesus birthday party because of all the traffic at the malls, the lack of Amazon wish list for Jesus probably made shopping for him a real bitch. I’m almost certain there wasn’t anything about Mary wearing her brand new Christmas clothes as she set the table for all the guests. There was no ‘JESUS IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON’ in bright lights on the fence behind the stable. No piped in carols to entertain, no tensile on anything. I’m not really sure when Santa Clause arrived to bring baby J a shiny silver engraved rattle from Tiffany’s and a load of Discovery Toys (age appropriate of course), but it must be in there somewhere. The shepherds probably didn’t mind tending to the eight tiny reindeer along with their flocks and the light from Rudolph's nose made things extra festive as people took turns standing under the mistletoe for a kiss. I bet all of Santas elves were quite helpful what with Mary having just had a baby and all the guests hanging around. And I KNOW I did not read anything about anyone heading to WalMart, Target or the mall for the after Christmas sales. Please feel free to correct me if I am wrong on any of this.

The whole article is utterly ridiculous. Trying to de-secularize Christmas by demanding all the secular symbols of Christmas be instated is insane. Really I have to ask, is Jesus REALLY the reason for all of this? For all the self indulgent presents, for all the holiday stress, for all the frantic buying, for all the ornaments and flashing lights? Honestly, what would Jesus do for Christmas? Where would Jesus shop? And would he max out his credit cards? What would Jesus say – Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukah (that’s got my vote)? The world will never know.

* Take a moment to think about it, beneath all the sarcasm there is a point being made.

From Me To XXX


Well... XXX actually did all the graphics on this one, I found the picture though, and the sentiment is truly all mine. ;o)

Greetings From XXX


Isn't he thoughtful? That's why I'm crazy about him!

Take a look at some other greetings he's done.

Something Funny And Innapropriate

My hot and sexy boyfriend XXX sent me this. (not appropriate for work, noisy, rude and offensive.)

Weekend Crap

My weekend was frustrating at best. Some moments were really good; a lot of moments were just difficult.

Saturday

The day of Super Girl’s holiday dance recital at 3:30 pm. I head into to work not nearly as early as intended as I had to wash, dry and set Super Girl’s hair before I left. I entrusted K to handle the rest of preparation – I did this with much trepidation as I’m a total control freak in some areas.

My first hospital went smoothly, 7 on the list, 6 who could wait until Sunday. My second hospital was not so good. I’m greeted once again with unhappy nurses as the Friday photographers didn’t do their fucking jobs. Apparently 4 parents who were going home Saturday didn’t have their photos taken Friday even though the photographer talked to them and told them she would be in to photo their baby shortly. She just never fucking showed up. Great, unhappy nurses and pissed off parents. My favorite. Apparently the camera stopped working on cart 1. The photographer didn’t show up, didn’t even bother to tell the parents why. There are two photographers who work Friday so honestly there is absolutely no reason these people should not have been taken care of. The photographer with the broken camera should have had the other photographer take care of the 4 people. But of course not, the Friday people are Fuck-tards.

Three of the 4 were appreciative I was taking care of them and were somewhat understanding of the broken camera. One however was seriously pissed off and started to bitch me out – which I did not take.

The rest of the workday was spent with a very tight schedule so I could leave by 2:15 pm. I didn’t leave until 2:30 pm due to a very late and very insistent on having photos parent of a baby in NICU. *sigh*

I arrived at the recital just moments before it was to start, a quick check of Super Girl and off to my seat which K and B had held for me. Our seats were horrible this year, off to the side and a few rows back. This year they combined all classes for the recital so there was standing room only in the class. A few acts into the recital they brought in more seats for people and put them in two rows right in front of where we were. Fabulous. Now all I could see of my child was the top half of her head with her hot pink bow. I didn’t get any photos of her dancing; hell I couldn’t even see her dancing! Grrr…

We left when the tumbling started and headed home. Super Girl was adorable in her dance outfit (I did get a photo of that – and amazingly it came out fabulous despite her being a stubborn brat about having her photo taken… you’d think by now she’d be used to the photos commemorating EVERY damn thing in her life by now).

Lighting The Candles

Back home to eat left over (from lunch) pizza and yell at children to pick up their crap off the floor. We lit the candles and the children received nothing for Chanukah that as earlier that day they had peeked in my closet at their presents. I however was surprised by Chanukah presents from K and B. Specialty coffee (mmmm), a bad ass whisk from some high end gourmet store and a scraper thingy to go with it and a BOOK! Not just any book, but a book I have WANTED. The first of the Lemony Snicket ‘A Series Of Unfortunate Events’ books. All very nice and much appreciated.

Then they left. K, B and the Little People. *sigh* They usually leave on Saturdays – often they aren’t even here when I get home from work. I’m used to it. I considered what I should do for the rest of the evening since it was all mine and though I had several options (clean house, go to the movies, clean house, take a bath, clean house, read my book, clean house, work on one of my many unfinished projects, clean house, paint my toenails, clean house…) I was suddenly struck feeling very, deeply, utterly and completely alone. And I was. I usually like being alone yet that night the lonesome feeling was surprisingly huge.

Bath

I opted to take a long hot bath and read my book. Now I’m not a ‘long hot bath’ person. I don’t generally enjoy them. After cleaning and shaving appropriate body parts, I can’t see a reason to continue sitting in a pool of one’s own filthy bath water. But I tried to enjoy it; I did after all have some new bath salts and stuff. It didn’t really work, the bath smelled nice but I didn’t really enjoy it. I ended up draining the tub and showering off to feel CLEAN then heading to the couch to read my book – which I finished.

I enjoyed the book quite a bit and am anxious to get the next two in the series before I commit to seeing the movie (which is based on the first three books).

Then I went to bed.

Luckily Sunday was a better day (for the most part)

Work went smoothly and was quite profitable (and I didn’t even have to earn all the money!). I spoke with my hot and sexy boyfriend XXX. We went to a pet store and procured a new rodent for me (which is an absolutely adorable little critter); we had yummy spicy Chinese food for dinner and lit the candles.

More later… deep meaningful in-depth look at my damaged psyche. (I know you’re excited at the prospect!)