Baby Jekyll & Baby Hyde

People who say that being a full time mom is easy are either (a) childless or (b) lieing about their own little demons, possibly (c) regularly sedating their kids or possibly (d)complete fucking morons. I challenge these people to spend a long weekend with my kids (sans me) and see if their opinion changes.

Living with a toddler is much like living with a very volitile person with schizophrenia who happens to really love Elmo. Lucky for me my family is fraught with mental illness so I'm not terribly caught off guard when my darling little child's head spins around and she turns into the demon I know she can be.

Take this morning, it started out like most Monday mornings. The alarm goes off, I eventually get out of bed, start reading e-mail as K herds the Little People down stairs for breakfast. As with most mornings that Cabbage Patch doesn't wake on her own, she's become The Badger (not to be confused with this), so named because she's so unpleasant in the mornings and much like a badger, she doesn't like to be disturbed. This fine morning, she burrows into the sofa and stays there while Super Girl has breakfast and get's ready for school. 10 minutes before we leave (because doing this any sooner just means I suffer longer), I pull her out of the sofa to get her dressed and it goes something like this:

**Badger: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I don't wanna get dressed!
Me: Too bad.
Badger: Whaaaaaaa! NOOOOOOO! I want breakfast!
Me: You'll have to wait until we drop off sister.
Badger: NOT THOSE PANTS! I don't want those pants!
Me: Too bad.
Badger: NOOOOOOOO! Not my 'jama pants! Don't take dem off! NOOOOOOO!
Me: *silent determination*
Badger: Breakfast! I want breakfast! No pants!
Me: Cabbage Patch, you'll have to wait until we get back. You have to get dressed.
Badger: NOOOOOOOOO! I don't want to! *hits me*
Me: *smacks Badger's bottom* Stop that.
repeat 5 times from ** before continuing

(time to leave)
Badger: Not that sweater! Not that sweater!
Me: Come on, we are running late now.
Super Girl: I'm ready!
Me: I'm not talking to you. Open the door.
Badger: Nooooooooo! I don't want dez pants!
Me: *Pushing the Badger out the door* Let's go.
***Badger: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I can't walk! I can't walk!
Me: *pulling her along* Yes you can, see you're doing it right now.
Badger: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Not dis sweater! Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! I don't want deez pants!
Me: Fine, you can put your jammie pants back on when we get home.
Repeat from *** for the next 5 minutes

On the way home:
Badger: *snif* I wear my 'jamma pants when I get home?
Me: Yes.
Badger: *snif* I take off dis sweater?
Me: Sure.
Badger: Okay.
Badger: I watch Elmo?
Me: That's fine.

Back home, she's smiling and laughing, all evidence of her personality shift is completly gone. I'm not sure if she needs phsychotherapy or an exorcist (not to be confused with this) (maybe I just need more Duct tape... and some valium for myself).

I Must Like To Suffer

Last night I made a big pot of chili. mmmmm I love chili, especially HOT chili. Chili does NOT like me - well tomato products in general don't agree with my stomach and tend to make me have to take several acid blocker tablets, expecially hot food causes me to do the same thing. Last night I put peppers and hot sauce on my yummy chili. It was so good I could almost feel it burn when it hit my stomach. I had two bowls of chili... then a handful of acid blockers. It was a good night.

ps - I just had some left over chili and a salad for lunch. I'm a glutton for punishment. Anyone wanna spank me now? ;o)

New Garb!


I'm so happy! I just finished my new black chemise! I LOVE how it looks and can't for faire so I can wear it.

Because I Have Children...

I get to utter such gems as "No, cats don't eat grapes so stop trying to feed them to her!"

Winter Stash


Apparently one of my children is part squirrel. Someone has been collecting and storing acorns... in the laundry of all places. I keep finding acorns in the washer and dryer. I think I need to explain to them that they are suposed to burry the nuts OUTSIDE, not IN the laundry. Although, they certainly do come out quite shiny after a trip through the washer and dryer.

Self Portrait Wednesday

Because someone deemed it so, here is me with the least amount of make-up possible to not scare the shit out of people. ;o)

Toddler Speak

Cabbage Patch has reached the stage of substituting words she knows for words she doesn't. Mostly similar sounding words. It's funny. Yesterday while clearing out the 'garden' she found a bunch of rolly-pollys and proceded to call them ravioli's and refused to call them anything else. This morning she pointed to some cocoons on a tree and called them racoons. heh.

Clubbin' For The Retard
Or
Why I Hate Pantyhose

That would be me. I went out on Saturday night with some of my rennie friends. Now mind you I haven't been clubbing in YEARS and I ALWAYS feel like I'm dressed wrong and just being the BIGGEST dork when I do go.

I consult Shan about what to wear because of my dork factor. I decide I would wear my boots with my skirt - not such a good idea really, but the boots are very cool.

Now I never wear pantyhose, I swore of them the day I discovered stockings (thigh highs). Pantyhose are just horible. They fit me funny, make me too hot and pinch after a while. And getting them on... well that's an ordeal in it's self. I planned to wear stockings but for some fucked up reason I could NOT find two that matched. I found a sheer black one, a sheer white one and a sheer brown one. Fuck. In searching for a mate to any one of thoes listed above I found a pair of black pantyhose, still in the package. They must have been at least 4 years old. But I was desperate and it was getting late. I shoved my fat ass into the pantyhose and briefly thought "this is a bad idea, these things suck" but dismissed that because I wanted to wear my boots and I couldn't without stockings or such.

Shan and Drew picked me up at 9:30 pm, we headed to John and Heidi's - a 30 minute drive. By then I was starting to be pinched by the evil things. Off to the club, we get there about 11 pm. As I walk from the parking lot to the club I feel the evil fuckers sliding down from their position of being up over my ass to down below my panty line. Fuck. I'm standing in line trying to discreetly adjust them and it's not working (the adjusting part, not the discreet part). I go right to the bathroom when we get in as I don't want them to soon be around my knees and be worrying about them hanging at my ankles. My intent when I entered the stall was to hike them back up and suffer through the evening but sanity smacked me and I figured that I needed to get rid of the horrific pantyhose. My solution... I ripped the hose right above my boots and tossed the remains of the pantyhose in the stall. I was FREE! Woohoo!

The rest of the evening was interesting to say the least - the music sucked and at one point there was some weird black guy dancing next to me/on me. The others found this desperately funny. The drinks were cheap which kind of made up for the $10 cover charge *choke!* *cough!*

We left the club about 1:30 am (me, John & Heidi had enough of the crappy music) and headed for BREAKFAST! Where I had a fucking $2.99 cup of fucking coffee! DAMN!!! If I had know it was THAT much I would have had 4 or 5 of them! Shan promised that the next time we would do the po' folks route for breakfast.

After all was said and done, I got to bed at 4:30 am and managed to be at work at 8:30 am.

A fun evening was had by all.

Super Girl's Day

Before I start, I must appologize for my absence to the three people who regularly frequent this page and have come to rely (heh... funny) on this page for entertainment (really just to gawk at the train wreck of my life and be amazed at the idiotic things that come out of my head, but that's cool too), I have been busy... or was it just lazy? Whatever.

Sunday was the anniversary of the birth of my oldest progeny. She turned 6. So in true Mommy Blog form I will indulge in telling her BIRTH STORY! Yeah I know, you don't really give a shit, but I feel obligated to do this. ;o)

Friday February 12, 1999 K and I got into a disussion on whether or not my water (as in the stuff around the baby, not the glass on my night stand) was leaking or not. I was 5 days late at this point (and HUGE) so we decided to hold off on going to work and call the Dr. office. At 8 am I was standing in my kitchen about to call the doctors office when I had my first REAL contraction. I was so excited - I told K, who was also excited - then I called the doctors office. We went to my doctor and saw the PA on duty who informed me that my water was not broken, but I was in fact in labor and dialated to 4 cm, to go on home and wait.

K and I were soooo excited. We got out of the doctors office at 11 AM and decided to go to lunch. My contractions were mild so I was thinking that this would be EASY. Little did I know. Anyway, we go to lunch at Steak Kountry, a little hole in the wall near where we lived. The funniest part was the waitress asking when I was due and me saying that I was in labor right then, her eyes got as big as saucers and she said "Why are you here???", because I was hungry!

At 11 pm that night I was STILL in labor (and totally fucking tired of it). We went to bed. I got up at midnight to take a shower since the 'easy contractions' I was having were now no longer so easy... and my back hurt. Back to bed around 1 am, up again 2 am for another hot shower. I wake K at 2:30 am to time contractions (actually just because I didn't want to be awake and misreble alone, he needed to be awake and misreble with me). At the MOMENT I was finally having contractions 5 minutes apart, I told K to call the hospital, that we were headed in - I was READY for this to be over. I called D and told her to meet us at the hospital, woke my grandmother to tell her I was FINALLY leaving. It was 3 am, Saturday February 13th. I was no longer happy or excited, I was irritable, sleep deprived, bitchy and anxious to get this the fuck over with.

Sometime after we checked into the hospital K & D told the nurses I hadn't sleept much in the past three days (which is true) and I was offered some drugs to help me sleep as according to them I wasn't very far along (they threatened to send me home but D told them that was a no go since I was 45 minutes from the hospital). I accepted the drugs at the urging of K and D. The rest of this shit is just fuzzy because of all the drugs. D or K can correct some of this shit someday.

I was now whacked out on drugs so I would fall asleep while talking, waking to have a really really painful contraction. I think D painted my nails and tried to play cards with me. I believe I was evil and psychotic when I had contractions yelling at people to just talk to me to distract but don't touch me (in the end I think K was reading me things from his game books). D left at some point and smuggled in contraband food - I remember french fries and chocolate milk. Thousands of people were in and out of my room, I would not be surprised if every janitor in the building was in there at one time - all the while I'm laying in the bed and at various times flat on my back with my cooch exposed. It was about 9 am they broke my waters in hopes of speeding up labor - which didn't work. 10 am I was offered petocin to move it along - at this point I BEGGED for an epidural - fuck going natural, I was in PAIN. The man who makes things happy showed up and jabbed me in the back. At some point the OB on shift came in, stuck his arm up my cooch all the way to the elbow, said something about me being dialated to a 6 or 7, that it was going to be a while and he was going to his kid's soccer game - see ya! I wished for a knife to jab into his forehead at that moment, but alas that is not typical equipment in a labor room. More dozing, playing cards, babbling incoherently and cursing K for getting me pregnant. At some point my epidural wore off completly on one side causing me GREAT pain - then there was the nurse telling me I wasn't feeling pain, it was pressure - bitch was argueing with me about what I was feeling! Then I started getting all crazy and shit. D when and reemed that nurses ass and got a new nurse in who turned up the drugs. I swear I saw angel wings and a halo on that nurse.

I had to push a long time, that kid was HUGE and NOT coming out, her soulder was caught on my pelvic bone. The doctor used the vacume to get her out but that didn't work, he finally used the salad tongs (forceps) which freaked me out because they are FUCKING HUGE! She popped out then and when the doctor held her up she had her little hand up so I said "Look, she's waveing at me!" which caused everyone to laugh at me, hey I was still whacked out on drugs. But there she was at 6:09 pm weighing 9 lbs and 9 oz, 21.5 inches long. No wonder I was so bitchy while pregnant.

AND 6 years later...

It's her birthday and she's sooooo excited. After naps she requested her birthday cake and wanted to decorate. So it was off to Super WallyWorld to procure a birthday cake, some birthday decorations and a birthday feast fit for a 6 year old. It was fish sticks and french fries for dinner and a cute white cake with big hot pink and yellow flowers decorating it. The cake had SOOOO much frosting on it I thought I was going to go into a diabetic coma half way through my piece. Super Girl was quite happy.

Party Part 2

Sometimes I feel sorry for Super Girl that I birthed her the day before Valentines (hey I was ready to have that baby in January - she was just being stuborn), but for now it's great for her because there was a class Valentine's party already scheduled. I had gotten the okay to bring birthday cupcakes to the class, so she got to hijack the Valentine's party and make it her birthday party. Later in life it's going to suck for her when she has a cheap ass boyfriend who doesn't want to have to spring for a Valentine's present AND a birthday present. I'm so sorry child of mine.

And the fun doesn't end there, since she's the OLDEST grandchild on K's side of the family, there will be ONE final gathering to celebrate her birthday. She's so spoiled.

Okay enough about the offspring, I've done my maternal duty, it's back to talking about ME!!

Something SCARY!!!

McDonalds has a new feature on their site that lets one find out the nutritional info for what they would order. Go check out the Bag A McMeal and be shocked by the numbers. I know I was - my typical order, which does NOT include french fries, came in with 670 calories, 26 grams of fat (2.5 being trans fat), 85 carbs and a staggering 1640 mg of sodium. A switch from regular coke to diet saves 150 calories and almost half the carbs. Lucky for me I rarely ever eat at McD's.

Go, check it out.. you may swear off ever eating at McD's again.

My pirate name is:

Red Mary Vane

Passion is a big part of your life, which makes sense for a pirate. You tend to blend into the background occaisionally, but that's okay, because it's much easier to sneak up on people and disembowel them that way. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

I like that... Arrrrgh!

The Alcohol Knowledge Test

My results:

Bourbon
Congratulations! You're 118 proof, with specific scores in beer (20) , wine (116), and liquor (86).
Screw all that namby-pamby chick stuff, you're going straight for the bottle and a shot glass! It'll take more than a few shots of Wild Turkey or 99 Bananas before you start seeing pink elephants. You know how to handle your alcohol, and yourself at parties.

Kindergarten Mafia


I'm not sure who Super Girl pissed off, but I found a severed teddy head in her bed.

Brand Spanking New!


I just got my replacement coffee maker! Woohoooo!!!

Funny thing is that for some fucked up reason my last name was misspelled on the shipping lable. I have the EAISIEST last name! Oh well, I forgive the extra e since my Coffee Maker is HERE!!!

Well, gotta go, looks like it's COFFEE TIME!

Valentine Card


Okay, I'm having a sappy MOM moment. Super Girl just finished making a Valentine's Card for her Aunt D. She wrote a short letter inside. I'm so proud of her, she sounded out all the words and wrote her little sentences. I'm all teary!

Ditchin' A Bad Date

There have been times in my life I have wished I had something like this.

We've all had bad dates. Luckily it's been over a year since I've had a bad date I needed to escape from.

My most memorable bad date worthy of escape was a blind double date that I had been set up on by friends. This was back when I was either a senior in high school or just out of high school. I had gone with a friend to her boyfriends house, and while they were messing around on the bed, I was at his computer typing away to someone on some BBS. Turns out that it was my friends boyfriends best friend. We talked for a while until boyfriend's mom came to douse them with cold water (call them for dinner). A day or so later boyfriend gave his best friend my phone number. He called and we talked, we got along well and had a lot in common. We talked on the phone for a week or two - we even called each other on the commercials as we watched The Omen on TV one night. Now Kirby - that was friends boyfriend - would always be evasive when I asked what his friend looked like. I'm not all hung up on looks so it wasn't a huge deal since we got along well on the phone. My friend decided that it was TIME for THE BIG DATE and she set up for all four of us to go to a movie premier one Saturday afternoon. We meet up and I see this guy. The first thing I notice is that he has the BIGGEST NOSE I have EVER seen on a human being. I mean HUGE. Like I said, I'm not totally hung up on looks so it's not a big deal. What was a big deal was that within seconds of meeting me in person, Big Nose totally fucking ignores me! Seriously! We go to Wendy's for lunch, he says absolutly NOTHING to me as we ride in is lemon yellow Volvo. He did spring for my burger - woohoo, big spender. At the theater as we stand in line he turns his BACK to me! My friend was sooooo embarassed she kept whispering appologies to me. His appaling behavior just made me focus more on his freakishly large nose and I kept repeating in my head "Don't stare at his nose! Don't stare at his nose! What a dick, why isn't he talking to me? Fuck! that's a huge schnooz!" I was thankful for the movie so that I didn't have to see his BIG ASS NOSE any more or deal with the silent treatment. Sheesh what an ass... I wouldn't be surprised if he still lives at him with his mom and surfs porn in his basement room every night.

Another abysmal date was just about 3 years ago. He SEEMED like a nice guy. We met at one of my favorite places for dinner. The whole time he kept stareing at me and telling me how 'cuddly' I was. I ate quickly, he was creepy. After dinner he tries to stiff the waiter on dinner then acts like it was an accident. *eyes rolling up in head* He gets me to sit in his car so we can *talk* - my mistake. I spent the next half hour pushing his hands off me as he tried to touch me, kiss me, hug me between telling me how pretty I was and how cuddly I was. I finally told him I had to go. Then he asked for a blow job and exposed his pittifully small penis to me. Yeah, I was so gone.

Another looser spent the entire time watching the game at the sports bar and ignoring me. Even the bartender was giving me sympathy. I had enough and told him 'later', he insisted on walking me to my car at that point and had the nerve to ask for SEX! (actually he mumbled so I had to ask him to repeat himself) I said 'I don't think so.' and pushed him away when he tried to kiss me.

I suspect that bad dates are easy to come by, it's the good dates that are quite rare.

Really Big Penis Night



Petey and I went to karaoke last night. That's my second choice outfit after some fucked up incident involving a shirt ripping on the seams a la Incredible Hulk. Okay, that's a lie, but it ripped and I had to change into the on in the picture


Ha - Fucking - Ha

Petey had prepared my seat for me. Nice plastic garbage bag covers there. I threatened him bodily if he told the story of the car at the bar.

My Bitch Sings


As most know, Petey IS MY BITCH. That is not to imply anything sexual, he's just my bitch. Occasionally the table turns and I'm his bitch, but usually - he's my bitch. In the past Petey has stated his dislike for Karaoke - yet he's been to karaoke with me twice. He's also stated that he won't sing karaoke - but here is photographic proof that My Bitch sings. This is a photo from when I was making him fuck up his FIRST song - yeah that's right, he sang like THREE songs, Mr. I-don't-sing-karaoke.

The best phrase of the night: Mild mannered and some what conservative Heidi telling a story and repeating the phrase "Really large penis" several times.

Best drama of the evening: The break up of a couple. Public breakups are intersting to say the least.

Weirdest moment: The really cute girl kissing the really unattractive scary guy.

At anyrate, Petey, who's an attention whore, is hooked - everyone loves him. He's very funny. Come to the dark side Petey!

Good Reading!

If you haven't ever checked out Savage Love, you should. Brutaly honest advice about sex and relationships from a snarky gay guy, what's not to love?

King Cake


So yesterday was Fat Tuesday and K asked... no BEGGED me to make a King Cake. I agreed and here it is. Not sure why the colors are so muted, but it IS the correct colors. Instead of a little baby doll, I put in a shiny new quarter as I just didn't have a tiny baby doll in the pantry and I though putting Barbie in the cake would have been overkill.

A Year Of Cock!


I mean The Year Of The Cock! At any rate I'm looking forward to it. Happy Chinese New Year! Go out and celebrate with some cock!

Nemesis


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

Hmmm... what do you think?

One For The Rental List


John Wayne as Genghis Khan. Oh fuck, I must see this dog of a movie.

YIKES!

Read this story. It just makes ME hurt and I'm a girl!

Cooooooffffffeeeeeee.... Cooooooofffffeeeee....
(anyone who has seen Shaun Of The Dead should conjure up images from that movie - and if you haven't seen that movie, well you SUCK!)

I woke this morning with my sinus' feeling like they had been packed with cement. Ugh. I took a NON-DROWSY sinus tablet - just one, not the recommended two. As soon as I returned from getting Super Girl on the bus I crashed on the sofa. So much for fucking non-drowsy sinus tablets! Lucky for me Cabbage Patch is still not feeling 100% and she's not tearing around the house getting into things.

Currently I'm sucking down some delicious coffee in hopes of gaining full consiousness.

Obnoxious - Even In Dreams

This morning my alarm woke me from a rather comical dream, wherein I was being obnoxious. All I remember is that a friend was over and he said he was going to go outside to smoke, I said okay and as his hand reached the door handle I heard a loud crack of thunder. He opened the door and it was POURING outside. He stands there dejectedly with the cigarette hanging from his lips as I laugh loudly and say "I guess that's a message for you to quit!" He looks at me with an unamused look and lucky for me the alarm went off as I suspect he might have been about to choke me.

What ARE They Teaching My Kid???

I was just looking at some papers Super Girl brought home, one is a series of papers that say 'I wish I had 100...' and the kids fill in the blank. It appears that my progeny wrote Nukes, as in I wish I had 100 nukes. The picture she drew to go with this page sheds no light toward it being anything other than nukes as it's a person colored red screaming 'Oooooooooho'. My child wants nukes and a hundred of them. I suppose she is planning to take over the world or destroy it. I know her birthday is coming up this weekend, but please, please, please don't buy her a nuke.

Disturbing


I'm not exactly certain why I find that disturbing. I don't think it's the missing nose or the fact that Kennedy fits so well into the mismatched outfit. Maybe it's because Kennedy is a BOY! Gender confused teddy bears are just wrong. Even in this household. ;o)

Falling Down On The Job

Many moments in my life have been puncuated by my pants/panties falling down. Let me illuminate you on this. My first memorable incident of gravity defying underpants happend when I was 6 years old. My sister, who is 2 years older and at that time in history was in fact a bigger kid than me, had some lovely panties that I coveted as much as a 6 year old can covet (which is a shit-load more than one would imagine and probably some kind of elementary major level sin). I decided to wear them one day despite the fact that they were large on me. At recess I decided to join my class mates on the playground and ran for the door like the rest of them. Lucky for me I had a desk toward the back of the class, as I reached the door to the blessed outside a large teachers hand held me back and a voice interupted my playground dreams with words about needing to go into the bathroom to fix my panties. I looked down and saw that my panties were at my ankles. My first inclination was to kick them off and run to claim a swing before all of them were taken, but at my teachers insistance I hiked up my drawers and headed to the bathroom where she kindly saftey pinned them and they stayed put the rest of the day. Looking back I could swear that she was snicker the whole time, hmmm... and in my 6 year old mind I just thought she had a cold.

That was the first, since then there have been more moments of my trusted undergarments deciding to vacate my ass without notice (and I'm not talking about all the drunken moments of panty loss). I just have untrustworthy undies. Most recently I lost some weight so my drawers are... well... a bit baggy. heh. A few weeks ago I went to the store in some well baggy shorts... that the zipper doesn't stay up well... (I know I need to buy some new ones, but hey I'm cheap!). I had to go to the store to get some milk, as I entered the store I had this odd feeling, kind of like my pants were EXTRA BIG and then it occured to me that my pants were atempting to reach the floor. I had to try to fasten my pants (the button came undone), zip them and pull them back UP (not necessairly in that order) while NOT looking like that's exactly what I was doing. See the store was full of people. I did manage to get my pants back up if only for the mortifying fear of them falling and EVERYONE seeing what hidious undies I had on (it was laundry day, so it was UGLY PANTY day).

Today I was reminded of these (and other) panty falling moments as I walked Super Girl to the bus stop. This cold morning a I walked to the bus stop with one child holding each hand, I noticed my undes inching down with every step. Futily I tried to keep them up by hiking them up every few steps but that became impossible as Cabbage Patch started whineing and trying to free herself from the death grip I had on her tiny wrist. Eventually I was just thankful for the pants I was wearing as the crotch of the pants was the only thing holding them up as they sagged down below my butt cheeks. I need to have a fund raiser for new undies. Maybe I'll add a paypal button for a panty fund.

And that's it... that's my story. I'm Judy and my underwear doesn't fit.

*No fears people, I did buy 4 pairs of new undies last week, so no need to cringe and wonder if my butt cheeks are exposed when we are together.

Is It Possible?

Could I REALY REALLY FINALLY be WELL? (Physically, not mentally - I'm not holding my breath on that one ya know) It's 2:14 pm and I don't have the overwhelming urge to take a very very long nap under a very snuggly blanket (or a raggedy ass afghan, two small cats and a feverish toddler).

Cabbage Patch is holding on to her fever as though it were the last piece of chocolate cake. She just isn't shaking the damn thing. It's LOWER than it was, but it won't stay gone very long. Her fever will break and she'll be fine, running through the house terrorizing the cats then she'll be laying on the couch stareing blankly at Scooby Doo or better yet asleep and I'll think... hmmm better check for fever and damn it, she'll have a 99 degree temp. And the guilt, oh the guilt! I have guilt because I'm not totally heart broken about this, there is something to be said for PEACE and QUIET and for not having to clean the living room more than once a day.

Well back to the sewing!

PS - I just sent an e-mail to a friend that contained the line "I've just been so busy it's been a miracle if I even manage to find a moment to scratch my ass in peace much less send out e-mails. "

Infinite David Hasselhoff Project

Because XXX is not only sexy but a comic genius, I give you THIS (stolen from his blog) (don't look to long, it will damage your eye sight).

Shopping, Shopping, Shopping

Damn, just how many times can one person go to WallyWorld in a 24 hour period?? Or should I say, how many times do I have to be tortured by WallyWorld in a 24 hour period?

I had to go back yesterday after work to get a few things that I need to finish a project. As I was leaving WallyWorld I was struck by a thought that strikes me every so often when I'm at WallyWorld. My work smock is the exact same fucking color as the WallyWorld smocks. Ugh.

On to other shopping...

Later yesterday afternoon we go to Old Navy to get Super Girl some pants - I had a $25 gift card to use and she's growing so quick! We go to the NEW store that opened up near by. After looking through a bunch of crap I finally find two pairs of pants and one shirt for her. When it was time to check out, we were greated with the BITCHIEST sales person to check us out, I was so irritated at the end of the transaction I almost tossed the gift card on the counter and told her to keep it (stuff it) as I would never step foot back in there to use the rest - which is likely I never will but my mental filter kicked in and kept me polite.

Now I'm going to be talking smack about K's boyfriend, which is something I generally refrain from doing on here.

B wanted to go to Bed, Bath & Beyond because he needed a shower caddy. heh. So we go and we walk around the store - that place is sooooo expensive! They have some of the COOLEST things there - I saw this bath set that had pictures on it from my FAVORITE artist - Theophile Alexandre Steinlen- I was lusting over all of that. Anyway B carefully inspected the shower caddys available and finally decided on an achingly plain one that made me want to blurt out "What? Your going to spend that kind of money on that? You could get it cheaper at WallyWorld!" Later I told K that and he kind of snickered and told me that B doesn't shop at WallyWorld. Heh. Funny.

Home On A Saturday Night

What a sad and pathetic thing that is. I'd soooo much rather be else where... like SA with XXX, but fucking work expects me to actually WORK to get paid. Assholes. We were to have a game tonight but my virulent children ran all the gamers off - the venue was changed and everyone punked out after that. My children are no longer bio-hazzards (well no more than usual) but we still have no one over. I had the option to go to The New Mrs. S and her husband's for some frivolity but I think I shall opt instead to sit at home watching Kill Bill Vol. 2 and maybe do some sewing. I went shopping and for some damn reason a trip to SUPER Wally World sucks the time out of the air around me and a trip that started at 7 pm ended at 9:30 pm! Far to late to drive across town then have to leave at 11:30 pm so I can get to bed at midnight as I have that fucking job thing that screws up my weekends. *deep cleansing breaths... reminding myself that I'm working to make my sewing business support me so I can QUIT working the weekends and spend them sleeping in and waking up next to XXX more often.* Also I have a headache. Damn sinus headache. I was also invited to go clubbing with a friend tonight but declined as I think I spent WAY to much at a bar recently and want to save my meager funds for a differnt night of clubbing (I believe the 12th I'll be clubbing since I won't be spending the weekend languishing in bed with the hot and sexy XXX ).

Oh enough of my self absorbed whining about not being with XXX... On to other things.

205

Do you know that number is for? K knows... it's his number... as in his cholesteral. Last time it was checked he was all proud of himself that he wasn't in the HIGH range because he was holding out at 195. *ahem* Just because 200 is where the HIGH starts does not mean that 195 is GOOD dude. So he's agreed to join me on my eating plan and stop bringing crap into the house (which is good because he brings in crap and I end up with a BIGGER ass - yes, yes I know just because it's IN the house doesn't mean I HAVE to put it IN my mouth). He's going to get his cholesteral checked again in March when he gives blood again and I'm hopeing that if he sticks with eating well and getting a little exercise (walking around the lake in the evenings) he'll be able to drop his cholesteral by 10 points. I told him that he if doesn't, then he can fucking go back to eating Big Mac's and candy bars and I'll leave him alone. In the mean time I'll be getting my money's worth on my E-Diets account.

Cereal Debates

I dread the cereal section at the store. The act of the wee ones selecting a box of cereal can take 10 to 15 minutes. It's agonizing. I'm a mean mother, I don't let the Little People get sugar coated, marshmellow filled, nutrisionally void cereals. I don't care how freaking cheap it might be, I won't buy it. It's cool really, the kids like the GOOD cereals I let them get, but they are at the age now that they MUST select their OWN creal. Today it was a debate over getting a HUGE box of Kix or one getting LIFE and the other getting Corn Flakes or Chex creal. At the point that I was about to smack them both with a box of creal and choose for them they made a compromise and the tortured trip to SUPER Wally World was able to continue.

KFC Chicken Strips Elvis Would Return From The Dead (the mother ship really) For

Dear lord, I think I would sell my dark and tarnished not so immortal soul for KFC Chicken Strips (if it wasn't already being leased out to some lesser demonic cult). Last night in a bid to get the ever so sick Little People to eat, K ventured out to KFC to procure some chicken nuggets, mac n cheese, mashed potatoes with gravy and biscuits. This was a DIRECT request from Super Girl who hadn't eaten much all day.

K returned with the *cue angelic music and back lighting* CHICKEN STRIPS (and other food). I had NEVER tried the *cue music and lighting again* CHICKEN STRIPS before. The Little People didn't eat much more than the mashed potatoes with gravy and a bite of the chicken. THEN I tried them... but let me back up a bit, last week when I had to go to the City of Plano and hand over my money and promise them the rest of my black, black soul (when the cult is done with the lease) to keep my lame ass out of jail, I had lunch with K at McDonald's (mecca to every child living the US), I got the chicken strips there and after a couple of bites wished I had opted for the chicken nuggets as the strips sucked ass. Anyway... In a moment frozen in time, last night I bit into the delectable *cue music and lighting once again* KFC CHICKEN STRIPS and very nearly had either a religous experience or a sexual one, I'm not sure really but damn those strips are good! I already KNEW that I would seriously mame for KFC mashed potatoes and gravy (with a flaky biscuit) and a juicy crispy breast, but now I believe I would consider MURDER for the strips (luckily I don't have to as they seem to be readily available - and at a drive thru even).

Really SAD Compairison

Fuck, I need to get laid. Did you catch that food reference to sex? That's so damn sad. Sex is better than any food (yes even Godiva chocolates even though they come in VERY VERY close to a good orgasm). It's not like I don't have batteries for Bob and Bob Jr. (or that they aren't getting used and abused on a regular basis) - I need a trip to XXX again (or a visit from him - my bed is always open to you sweetie).

Okay, the kids are off to bed, time to watch 'Kill Bill Vol 2' then maybe catch 'Alien Vs Preditor'. I know, lame way to spend a Saturday night.

You Are a Prophet Soul

You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone. Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people. Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run. No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way. You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle. Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings. A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning. You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer. Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Hmmm... Is that me?

One Year Ago Tomorrow...

Is when I met and fell head over heels in love with XXX. I was tempeted to bore everyone with the story of how we met but I'll spare ya. Instead I'll make your stomach turn by writing a letter to my sweetie.

Dearest XXX;
Thank you so much for being in my life this past year. I treasure every single moment we have shared together. Though we are miles away, you are always close to my heart and near in my thoughts. You're even sexier today than the day I met you. I can't wait to see you again!

Love,
Judy

Good Friends

Petey is probably one of my best damn friends in the whole freaking world. Thanks for getting me home. Thanks for not hateing me for barfing in your car. Thanks for being so fucking much fun to hang out with!

So I went out to karaoke on Wednesday night with Petey. Since he was the designated driver I was imbibing quite a bit. More than I should have. I won't tell you HOW much just take my word for it that it was A LOT.

Yesterday morning I felt like shit and figured I had a lovely HANG OVER. Mid day I still felt like shit and was running a fever and Cabbage Patch was feverish and listliss so I started to doubt this was all hang over and maybe I was just SICK AGAIN. I spoke to someone who was at karaokee the night before and she told me that she too was ill - she had been sitting across from me. DAMN IT! I Was SICK AGAIN!

Today both kids were running fevers over 101, so Super Girl is home. Luckily I'm feeling much better today.

Hedgehog Day


Happy Hedgehog Day! Well that's what Super Girl insisted it was when she got home from school today. Heh. Damn hedgehog saying 6 more weeks of winter. Kill Sonic!

I Wonder If Lorena Bobbitt Did It?

I just read this story, really quite sad that people get so offended by nude art and would choose to vandalize it destroying someone's hard work and personal expression.

Absurd Things
Thanks XXX for these!

A Klingon Wedding...

Aborted gummy baby.

Action figure kidnapped.

Ramblings

I hate going to a store that supposedly specializes in something and not being able to find the kind of something I'm looking for. Fuckers. Wasting my time.

It's cold here tonight. And rainy. Drove out in the cold rain. It was DARK on the roads around here (no street lights) - prime alien abduction territory. Except that there were lots of cars around so no such luck in being abducted. When we left the fabric store, it was a LOT later than we expected so we are speculating that we were actually abducted and didn't realize it.

Me: Wow! Where did the time go??? Maybe we were abducted by aliens.
K: Oh! Anal probe!
Me: *rolling eyes* Sheesh! Enough with your gay fantasy!

Back home we go and now I need a nap, except it's like 10 pm and I can't take a nap now that would just be bed time, but if I go to bed NOW I'll be up at 4 am!!! I can't do that.

Second night in a row I've had an offspring disturbing my sleep. Ugh. I hate that. Must convince progeny that sleep deprived mommy is much more frightening than the monster under the bed.

Anyway, I can't go to bed now, I have PROJECTS to finish and I'm all motivated to get them done. I'm afraid that if I SLEEP that all the motivation that I have at this very moment will escape my body and I'll once again be possesed by absolute procrastination. Damn, sucks to be a slacker.

And now something funny to watch. Hot and sexy XXX sent that to me. heh.

Crazy Bear


Some people are pissed about this bear being on the market. I think he's adorable! I want a Crazy For You bear. Although... the Elvis Love Me Tender Bear is damn cute also. My only question about the bears is if the Crazy bear comes with a bottle of Prozac and if the Elvis bear comes with... well a bottle of pills too?

Tasteless Yet Funny
(at least to me!)

Volkswagen isn't happy about this hoax ad. heh, wonder why?

Still Smirking

Looking down and seeing the packaging for the 'Classic Butt Plug' and noticing the highlighted phrase 'Fire up the plug!'

hehehe.... Go ahead, laugh, you know it's funny.

Speaking of Spicy And Chinese

Damn it. I just opened my fridge to get a snack and some tasty French vanilla creamer for my coffee and the bar that holds things securely in the bottom shelf on the door let go. Just finished cleaning up hot pepper juice and soy sauce.

Waiting For Sal To Arrive

Sal as in Salmonella. Last night the torential rains detered myself and K from venturing out to secure food for dinner. (well not torential but it WAS raining) Instead we foraged through the kitchen until we found something suitable. A take out menu for out favorite Chinese restaraunt. Perfect, no one has to venture out in the rain and someone else cooks!

Instead of my usual (garlic chicken, extra hot, no onions or broccoli in garlic sauce - very hot) I ventured out and got somthing that promised chicken, beef and shirmp (with some veggies) in a spicy sauce (I asked for it to be a little hotter though). We all stared blankly at some movie as we languished on the couch waiting for the tiny oriental guy who braved the very cold rain and wind to bring us our hot and tasty dinner (conveniently packed in microwavable containers - makes it easy to send K off to work with leftovers).

I served the Little People food for them to turn their noses up at then served myself, all the while anticipating my super tasty meal complete with nummy shrimp - I really wanted the shrimp. I ate a few of the shrimp and kept thinking they tasted 'off' - kind of 'fishy' actually. I avoided the rest of the shrimp with much disapointment and when I finished my plate of food (minus the remaining shrimp) I wondered aloud if the shrimp was more than a little 'off' and whether I'd get a lovely case of salmonella from them. If I did it would be the SECOND time I've gotten it from Chinese food.

Anyway, probably not going to get sick from dinner but I'm still stuck with the lingering disapointment of a meal that I paid for that just sucked. And I still want some SHRIMP! (I'll keep the blog posted if Sal does decide to show up though)

The Art Of Procrastination

I'm a serious procrastinator. I always have been. I generally get my things done in time but for some idiotic reason I wait until the absolute LAST possible moment to do them. Not everything mind you, but many things. In high school and college I would wait to write my entire research papers until the night before, armed only with a handful of source books and a book I was supposed to have read, I always finished and never got below a B+ on content (editing was generally out of the question since I was finishing up at 3 am, my senior research paper sported a lovely 98% for content and 15% for puncuation and spelling). But I digress...

I have finally finished making Cabbage Patch's lovely coat. The temperatures have been steadily in the 40's for nearly a week so I figured it was TIME to make the damn coat. The REALLY sad and pathetic part... it took me less than an hour to make.

I'd love to break this habit as I'm really wanting to make a go of sewing to support my own damn self and not waiting until mere hours before a deadline would be quite advantagous. Any suggestions on breaking it? *Don't suggest I give up my double Roofiecolada for lunch or my 3 hours of mid afternoon passing out/nap time (something about the Roofiecolada ya know), I've worked very hard to cultivate a decent addiction and I think I'm finally getting to be an intersting addict worthy of whispers and speculation.

Now the best part of having finished her truly adorable coat is that she does NOT want to wear it. She has a raggedy ass looking blue hoodie jacket that she LOVES. *sigh*

* I actually gave up my Roofiecolada habit when my **local dealer raised the price unexpecedly.

** heh, kidding, the only roofies I ever had in my possesion were my cats.

A Riddle For Monday

Q: What does one get with two kids and two cats in one bed at 4 AM?

A: Absolutly NO sleep!

Some days it doesn't pay to be a parent... oh wait... I don't get a pay check for this.

Civic Minded White Supremacist

Just read this story about the Nazi Party picking up trash on the road... I'm not even sure what type of comment to make on this... Shocked is about the only thing I can muster. Ahhh what a great country we live in.

Gayest Party Ever

Yesterday I went to the GAYEST party. No really, it was. I swear I was the ONLY straight adult there. It was fun. Cookie decorating party with a bunch of lesbians is eventful, education and a lot of fun.

This Post Brought To You By The Letter P...
And The Color Yellow...
And The Number 1

Today was my BIG DAY to go take care of my traffic tickets. That meant it was to be a really busy day. Not a good day for intestinal issues.

My cup of coffee while reading e-mail was interupted by an urgent trip to the bathroom. Ugh. I figured it would pass, maybe just something from yesterday didn't agree with me. After driving K to work, dropping Super Girl at school (which by the way for some reason her getting out of the car and walking off to school by her self makes me all teary eyed every single time! She's growing up so fast!) I hurried home as I had another urgent call to the bathroom to attend to. I layed down on the couch about 10 am with Cabbage Patch and fell asleep. K called at 11 am to find out when I was leaving to meet him for lunch... I assured him we were leaving right then - and hurridly woke Cabbage Patch (who didn't appreciate that one single bit) and we left. K cashed his check and we had lunch at McDonalds.

My stomach started feeling bad part way through my chocolate shake and chicken strips but I figured I could hold out until we got home as I dispise using public toilets. No really I do. I have been known to hold out from going pee at work all day just to avoid the public restroom. I absolutly refuse to use the toilet on the bus and will hold it for the entire 5 hour trip - I think I would almost rather my bladder burst than use the questionable facilities on the bus. I've held it for hundreds of miles because a gas station bathroom was too dirty/scary/smelly/creepy. This is a great ability especially back when I used to do a lot of drinking, I could drink all night and be the only girl who hadn't gone to the bathroom 15 times. But I digress. I wasn't so lucky today in my neverending quest to avoid public restrooms. Right before we left McDonalds I KNEW I HAD to go right then. I enter the bathroom and some grandma is getting her two grandkids to wash their hands. I head to the first stall I see and right before I can touch the door Grandma says "Excuse me! Our stuff is still in there." I continue walking and she repeats her self, I realize she's talking to me and stop. Not a good thing when someone is singlemindedly heading for a toilet while desperately clenching one's butt cheeks. Big sigh as I change directions quickly. While I think to myself "What the fuck? Why did she leave her stuff in the stall to wash hands? This isn't her private bathroom. What a rude woman!" Leaving the stall I have to ask the kids to MOVE out of the way so I could wash my hands as they are now taking up the floor space while putting on their coats in the narrow rest room, I turn to dry my hands and AGAIN have to get these people out of my way (another person had entered while I was washing and now she was waiting for them to get out of the way so she could get to the stall!). I left the bathroom and the restaraunt before grandma and her grandkids and was thorougly irritated that grandma didn't have the common sense or common courtesy to not occupy the entire bathroom. Dumbass.

After lunch, I headed to my bank to depost money (can't have my check for my ticket bouncing - not only would I get charged a fee for that but they would issue a warrant for the ticket - says so right on the ticket) then headed to the lovely city of Plano to keep that warrant from being issued. Unlike the last time I was at the court house, today there was a nice long line to stand in. *sigh* Me with a restless 3 year old standing in a long line. Lovely. When we were just 2 people from the window I suddenly had that URGE. I start mentally willing people to go faster and was barely able to pay attention to the man ahead who came in to take care of his ticket but waited way to long and was now being told to step to the back of the room, don't leave the building and an officer would process him. Oops. I finally got my chance and got done, seemed like it took forever, but that was probably just because I was trying to keep my 3 year old still while writing a check, getting my identification, listening to the instructions on the payments to make and still NEEDING to get to the bathroom. Luckily the restrooms are right next to the exit so no desperate search had to be made.

By the time we got back home it was 3 pm. Thirty minutes until time to get Super Girl from the bus. Time enough to make a couple of phone calls. One call was to my super sexy boyfriend XXX. One day maybe I'll put the contents of that conversation on here as it was amusing to discuss our mutual dislike of using public facilities. In the conversation I told how just a couple of days ago I had woken Cabbage Patch so we could get Super Girl from the bus. Now Cabbage Patch HATES to be woken from her slumber. She wakes like an angry badger, infact we call her The Badger when she's like that. That particular day I woke her just 10 minutes before going to get Super Girl (I always hope she'll wake on her own an I'll be able to avoid The Badger). She bitched and moaned all the way to the bus stop and was actively and energeticly whining and crying when I look down and realize that she was so angry about being woken that she didn't realize she needed to pee before we left and that she had wet her pants. That just made her more upset. Then yesterday she woke moments before time to leave in a decent mood. When we get to the bus stop she looks at me desperately and says "Mamma! I need to potty!" There's no time to go back home so I ask her "If we go behind the bushes, can you pull down your pants and panties and go pee?" She says yes and I head her over to a small cluster of bushes. Her first public peeing. I'm happy she didn't wet her pants. Super Girl's first public peeing was nearly traumatic for both her and I and she somehow managed to pee on her panties, so this was much smoother. Today we go and as soon as we get to the bus stop, Cabbage Patch heads to the bushes saying she has to go potty. I suddenly realize that she thought peeing in the bushes was cool and wants to do it again! I tell her that she's going to have to hold it as the bus is almost there. I've turned my child into a public pee'er!

Ah well it all worked out.

Good to know.

What Kind Of 60's Person Are You?

My results:


You are a Radical. Right on!

What kind of Sixties Person are you?
brought to you by

Will You Touch My Monkey?

L was lucky enough to have someone teach her how to say "Will you touch my monkey?" in Romanian, unfortunately she can't remember how to say it now. Damn. I want to know how to say "Will you touch my monkey?" in as many languages as possible, I now want to say "Will you touch my monkey?" to everyone I meet. I want a shirt that says it! Hell I may even change one of my children's name to "Will you touch my monkey?" I've got monkey fever. I am the creator of the fabulous Angry Albino Sock Monkey, I believe THIS phrase ("Will you touch my monkey?") is to be MY phrase! Ahahahahahahaha!!! WILL YOU TOUCH MY MONKEY????? *


*I'm still under the influence of many OTC medications, sometimes mixing them makes for interesting results. Will you touch my monkey?

How To Ruin Hottie Status

My neighbor across from me is a hottie. He runs and on occasion I get lucky enough to be walking back to my place when he's on the trail, we wave and nod as he passes and my eyes follow his tight little ass until he's out of sight. Yesterday morning as I returned from the bus duties I saw Hottie Neighbor outside and said "Hi, how are you?" He said "Doing good, just getting ready to pick up dog poop." Ahhhh... ummm... okay, thanks for that one. He's no longer Hottie Neighbor in my mind, he's now Dog Shit Picker Upper... and for some reason, that just doesn't appeal to me anymore.

Somthing To Ponder...

I wonder if they'll ever catch this guy? I suppose they could stake out all the places that sell cases of batteries and gallons of lube at wholesale prices.

Go figure.

Recovery In Sight

I'm finally getting better. Either that or I've finally found the right combination of chemicals to make me feel better. Whatever it is, I'm happy.

I spent the whole freaking weekend sleeping, either on the couch or in my bed.

The Little People seem to be over this and back to being nice (thankfully).

A Little Behind...

No not mine, it's a LOT of behind. I mean I'm behind on my shipping of my e-bay items. *sigh* I hate that. Now I have A TON of things to get shipped between today and tomorrow.

Actually I'm behind on everything... laundry, cleaning, sewing, etc. I better get going so I can do some catching up!

Future In A Life Of Crime

I think the Tiny Terrorists are practicing to become cat burgalars. No I'm not making a reference to any type of torture involving my cats, I'm talking about my jewlery.

Today when I woke Destruction up to get Chaos from the bus I pulled the blanket off her as she's very 'moody' when awoken. As I pulled her out of the bed by her toes (she likes it, really she does) I noticed some small things in the bed. I took a closer look and recognized the remains of one of my pearl necklaces. Instantly my face turned red, steam came shooting out of my ears as the top of my head shot right off. Destruction cut her prima donna routine, hopped off the bed and headed for the door shouting "Chaos do'd it!"

I crouched down and picked up all the pearls, gold and garnet beads while Destruction peered around the corner and occasionally pointed me to small cash of beads. After the recovery effort (which I'm not certain recovered all of the necklace) I went to my jewlery box to see what ELSE is missing. Also pilfered were my long strand of pearls, a short double strand of pearls, the matching braclet for the broken necklace and a pearl, onyx and gold bracelet. I am not pleased.

On the walk back from the bus stop I cassually mentioned to Chaos that I wasn't happy that they had been in my jewlery. I wish I had gotten a photograph of her face as I said it, that stunned look was priceless. Her answer was that Destruction had gotten the jewlery. I explained that I KNEW she had something to do with it as Destruction could not reach the top of my dresser to get my jewlery. She explained that Destruction had gotten the jewlery and she saw her with it and I cut in asking why she didn't get me since she KNOWS no one is supposed to be playing with my jewlery and that they were both in trouble now.

When K got home and assessed the situation he made a quick search of thier room and recovered the short double strand of pearls. Chaos got it in her head that we were going to go to a party tonight and dashed upstairs to find the long strand of pearls, so now just two bracelets are missing. Sneaky little brats.

Bits And Pieces

So Super Girl with a broad smile proudly stated that she was going to tell her class about having the snail removed from her ear. Ahhhh, I'm overwhelmed with motherly pride. Then I remembered the two sentences writen on the post removal procedures "Administer childrens Tylenol for pain as needed. DO NOT put any snails in ear." heh.

On to other things...

Christian Conservative groups are now deeply concerned with SpongeBob's gayness. What get's me about this is that what they have a problem with is that 'sexual identity' be included in the 'tolerance pledge'. Hmmm... so basically this group is saying it's morally right to hate gays? M'kay.... How rediculous is it to target cartoon characters and children's show characters in an anti-gay campaign? Come on! Nathan Lane is still alive! What could be gayer than him?? ;o)

Under the influence...

I'm STILL sick. I LOOK sick, like the commercials for the cold/flu medicine. I sound sick - every one who calls says "You sound terrible!", because I'm sick all I manage is a sigh and to say "Yeah I am." Actually I'm feeling better than I have but still sick.

My sister brought me her husband's stash of TheraFlu to help me through this, I how have 4 different formulas of cold/flu remedy to help me through this and have not found the perfect combination of cold/flu remedy to make me appear to be well enough to go to work tomorrow. Tonight will be another Medicine Quest as I search the grocery store for the pills I took last time I had a nasty bug like this, they worked well to make me appear WELL and perky (read: hyper). People cringe at the thought of sick people holding their newborn babies, so I MUST get well.

Weighty issue

Not everything about being sick has been bad. Because I've had either an upset stomach or just no appetite I've managed to take off the last of the 3.5 lbs that Santa deposited on my big ass, either that or blowing one's nose burns more calories than I imagined. eh, whatever, at least they are off.

Tiny Terrorist

I'm happy to report that as of this morning the Little People seem to be nearly recovered from their nasty colds. YAY! They have been most horrible, nasty little beasts this whole time. But the best part of all this is that they seem to no longer be snot factories! Woohoo! I haven't had to say "Go blow/wipe your nose!" all day! Woohoo! The House of Bio-Hazards my finally be coming to an end! Just have to get me well.

Well enough for now, gotta go try to convince a toddler that takeing an early and LONG nap today would be wonderful.

A Snails Tale

A call from the school nurse today regarding Super Girl having a snail in her ear. *sigh* D drove us to the emergency room of a nice shiny new hospital in Plano for snail removal. Because it is a nice shiny new hospital there was no wait and we were in a nice private triage room to await the very good looking and very nice Italian doctor who was quite amused by the snail in the ear prediciment. The very nice handsome Italian doctor deftly removed the crustasian from my childs ear and was kind enough to hold it up for a photo op (D will have to send me the photo to ad here). K had requested the snail so I asked to keep it. Apparently this was the first snail in the ear removal that had been done by the nice handsome Italian doctor and infact first time for the hospital also. I'm hopeing this is our LAST snail in the ear incident.

Best part of the visit:
Me: WHY did you put the snail in your ear?
Her: Because I wanted to keep it.
Me: But why in your ear?
Her: I wanted to hear it slugging around.
Me: *big sigh, eyes rolling*

Worst part of the visit:
All of my anti cold/flu medicine had worn off and I was getting increasingly congested and coughing more and more and my ears were starting to feel as though I too had snails slugging around in them. Ugh...

Pure or NOT!

Go to PureScore and check your score. I took the test three times and scored a big fat 0 with three fireballs EACH TIME! Apparently I'm a deviant with no redeming qualities and would fuck just about anything, anywhere. Which, let me assure you is absolutly NOT true... at least the ANYONE part... that's not true at all, just XXX... or Vin Diseil... maybe Brad Pitt. ;o)

Go take the test, leave your results in the coments to make me feel better (or worse) knowing you are also completly deviant (or not).

Ramblings Of The Infectious Kind
*note - I just finished posting a nice long post and fucking blogger/IE gave me a blank page when I posted and I lost it all. Fuck. So if this is not very interesting or lacks humor, that is the reason.

I'm still sick. Not horribly sick, but sick enough to feel horrible on and off through out the day. Sick enough to high fever occasionally but generally a low fever that breaks with copious amounts of OTC medications. Weeee.

I'm not sure what's the worst part of this cold/flu shit. The cough, the runny nose, the sore throat or the tiredness that feels like lead weights tied to one's extremities. It all sucks.

I fall asleep every time I sit on the sofa. Last night I fell asleep watching LOTR: Two Towers and that fight scene with the orcs riding the worgs kept running through my head.

When K got home yesterday evening we headed out on a quest to procure cold/flu concoctions, so it was off to WallyWorld! I tossed the WallyWorld brand of Nyquil and found a childrens multi-symptom concoction for the Tiny Terrorists then considerd my options for day time relief of my bothersome symptoms. Hmmm.... So many to choose from... I finally decided on the WallyWorld brand of DayQuil, though an unnatural orange color I was won over by the fact that it was just $2.48 and I had always had dandy results with the faux Nyquil.

Last night was full of delightful Nyquil dreams (well until it wore off and I had to get more, but it's all good now). This morning I poured myself a shot of the orange elixer, somewhat expecting it to taste vaguely orangy/mediciny and was rudely shocked when it tasted neither orangy or mediciny or even like Nyqil. It tasted like what I imagine bleach and cat piss mixed together might taste. I mean is that shit supposed to burn my throat??? I gaged and had to FORCE myself to swallow. I'm now hopeing that I will feel VASTLY better by 2pm or maybe I'll be able to scrounge a forgotten cold/flu tablet somewhere in the pantry. And that shit about it being for the DAY as in not going to make you sleepy, well that's bull. I put on Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory, sat down on the sofa and the next thing I know I'm waking up to the credits rolling and Cabbage Patch babbling about a tea party and the cat. Go figure.

Letter To The Cosmos

Dear Higher Power;

First and foremost I'd like to ask where my real child is? This little beast who looks like mine is wearing on my very last nerve. I know this creature isn't my sweet child as my child is well sweet and she would never have stacked her chair and her stool on top of an over turned toy chest to get to the top shelf in her closet to remove everything and throw it on the floor, nor would she have taken everything out of her drawers, scatter it all over her room and stand on her dresser, I am confident in saying that my child would not have removed every picture on my wall within her short grasp and she definitly would hot have opened the gerbil cage and tossed bedding all over the living room. Why have you made this horrible switch? Why did you choose to do it while I am ill and when can I have MY child back?

Also, please enlighten me on whatever possesed Super Girl to place a small rock or snail shell (that's what the school nurse said it looked like) in her freaking ear?

Another thing, I'm still sick, can we get this over with already? Have I not got enough going on in my life already?

Warmly,
Judy

Welcome To Bio-Hazard Central!
Complimentary virus on your way out!

I'm sick. I'm also in pain (headache). And I'm coughing. My stomach is upset too. I think this is the flu. I need a shower but I keep falling asleep on the couch. I should still be sleeping - to get better, but my fever has broken briefly and now I'm thinking of all the things I need to do but am to freaking tired to do. Fuck it, I'm going back to bed.

Missed My Calling

So my very dear friend A called tonight. This is a rarity as she's so freaking busy with her life that the only uninterupted time she can talk is at work (but that's a bad idea as I make her laugh and then it's OBVIOUS that she's not working (which is what she pretends to do as she surfs the internet and reads this blog - Love ya A!) and that might just get her fired and as a direct result get me murdered in a most horrible way (I know this as she'd probably call me while she was driving over to kill me and ask the most horrible and painful way to kill someone and in my morbid slightly evil enthusiam I would tell her in great detail but I would neglect to ask exactly WHO she wanted to kill until the very end when she would laugh manicaly for a really long time as she walked up to my door and kocked then say YOU! and hang up... and of course I'd open the door and be murdered by my own methods... hmmm? what was I talking about?) or in her car on the way home. (Hey, someone else called me last week while he was driving home for just about the same reason, although I don't think he'd ever try to murder me (Yo, M, speak up now if you do, just fill me in ya know.) so I'm starting to think that people like calling me as they drive for some reason, maybe because it's really easy to get off the phone if I'm being a total fucking bore (I know it's hard to belive, me being boreing *snicker*) you can just say "Whoa! Gotta go I'm about to get a ticket - although I'd ask that they didn't hang up so I could hear them get a ticket. What? I know I'm evil, get over it) So if you are driving home, feel free to call me, apparently I'm much more entertaining than the traffic.)

A and I were catching up on things, her mom is still dead (I'm not being insensitive, it was funny on the phone!), she's still working and she's ALMOST divorced (A, I dedicate this song to you, although I like this one too, but THIS ONE is my FAVORITE (so ignore the other links)) as in all that NEEDS to happen is her scrawny-little-jerk-ass-unemployed-leach-of-a-man-husband... er, um... I mean *gag* *gag* Huuuuusssband needs to sign the papers. So I gave her some valuable advice (Others would call it unsolicited bullshit that should be kept rattling around my empty head, but I like to think it's worth at least the breath I was breathing it as I flew out of my mouth). I suggested she go in her house and say to him "Gonna sign the papers?" then if he says NO casually mention something about getting his lazy deported (it would be easy to get a divorce in abstencia at that point- it's not like he's really fucking been there all these years ANYWAY, so what's the difference???) or maybe alude to being able to kill him, ya know, with out a body, he'd just be a missing person.

She was laughing very hard and mentioned that I had missed my calling, I quickly said "Marriage counselor?" as I KNOW that's what she meant. I mean what the hell, I'm practically an expert on disfunctional marriages (married to a gay man, 'member) and hell I've been through 4 years of counseling for the marriage, so that practically gives me a degree in counseling! (I could use my years of my own personal counseling for my own personal crazies as credit for a masters - really) My other sage advice that spewed forth was that if he STILL didn't want to sign to start being creepy, like when she pours the carpet freshener on the carpet before vaccuuming to pour it into a pentagram or runes or something, write his name in ketchup on the meatloaf - make it look like it's in blood and leave a knife in the center, anxiously ask him if the drink she just brought him tastes funny then say no reason when he asks WHY and walk away snickering (tis great fun to make someone THINK you are poisoning even when you aren't - hey, stop looking at me, I already admitted I AM EVIL).

Anyway, in all the laughing she was doing as I was advising (I take that as a good sign, laughter means agreement) I forgot to tell her that when the Big D happens we need to have a party or a drunken night out. That will be something to CELEBRATE! Whoohoo! Petey you up for a little drunken debauchery?

*Note: Don't even think of mentioning all the misspellings, etc. I've got a BRAIN FEVER (which is different than a BRIAN FEVER, which is what I wrote first, I belive that involves watching too much of Python's 'Life Of Brian' (which I love because I am Evil... I mean a Jew, because I'm a Jew)). It's cool K just got me something for my ailment - Tylenol PM or asprin or roofies, not sure.

Is Ebay An Option?

Someone make it stop for fuck-sake! Sheesh. Today.... I'm getting the wee one's disease - their mini-misson of infecting everyone with their vile illness is working slowly but surely. And what's the worst part? The snot! Damn, why is it that ever 2 or so hours I look at one of my children and they have a river of snot down their face. What the fuck? Can they not feel it? I know when my nose is running I can fucking feel it and I BLOW MY NOSE! That and listening to the gurguly, bubbly breathing of a child who needs to BLOW THIER NOSE. That disgusting noise just makes me want to jab hot butter knives in my ears to make it stop! It's not like we don't have a freaking tissue around here - so BLOW YOUR DAMN NOSE CHILDREN!

What else sucks? The Tiny Terrotists ARE being terrorists today. They stacked their chair and stool on top of a toy box to get to a wall hanging above their closet door AND to remove EVERYTHING from the top shelf in their closet. *sigh* So much for them playing quietly in their room.

Another thing that sucks is that the cold medication I gave them DOESN'T make them sleepy! Why? Why? Why? For the love of gawd, why? Sick progeny is bad enough, but sick energetic, non sleeping progeny is the WORST.

And I miss XXX. I'm really wishing I had one more day with him... or two... or a week... or two... *sigh*

Post Weekend Report

I had a great weekend. XXX is so wonderful. He picked me up from the airport dressed in a kilt. That is by far the sexiest thing a man can wear. XXX is already an irresistably sexy man, the addition of the kilt left me weak in the knees and damp in the panties. I wasn't sure what to do, stand there and admire his splendor or drag him off to bed for carnal pleasures. I'm sure you can guess which impulse won out - I had all that book learning to try out anyway! My only regret is that I didn't get a photgraph of him in that kilt - I get a involuntary evil grin every time I think of him in it.

The book - I'm not completly finished reading it, but I had read plenty by the time I arrived in San Antonio. XXX is going to have to leave a review as to whether the book was worth the $$ or not.

Anyway, we had a lot of really fabulous sex, we watched some movies, ate some, had some drinks, more fabulous sex and just hung out and had fun. I love being with him no matter what we are doing.

Leaving is always the difficult part, I miss him as soon as I get out of his car. I was just on the verge of tears as I walked to the gate, I just didn't want the weekend to end. *sigh* he really is a very special man.

Anyway, had a great time, had fabulous sex, good food and can't wait to see him again.

8 Hours And Counting...

Until I'm with XXX. So what am I doing to keep myself from going absolutly bonkers (I lack patience)? I'm trying to make a list of important things to remember to bring.

Like...

Sexy underwear (CACIQUE undies rock!) but not UNsexy undies (somebody shoot me if I ever consider purchasing a girdle like that!).

And personal lubricant (Astroglide is my favorite, but I have a sample of K-Y Warming to try, I'd like to get some of the ID Millennium to try also.)

Can't forget the sex toys. Can't forget B.O.B. (though my vibrator isn't silver) or my vibrating egg and the Magic Touch Bullet Mini. I will however be leaving the "Big, shiney, black hummer" at home. Kidding, I don't even own one of THOSE - that was just for Petey (No I'm not explaining, I'd rather you wonder). And this just scares me! Not going to bring the Ben Wa Balls either, to be honest, I've never really figured out what's so good about them.

Gotta remember the silk scarves and blindfold. XXX already has a lovely set of leather restraints so no need to worry about that. Not to mention a fabulous flogger and a nice spanker.

That should just about do it. A change of clothes, my bag of toiletries and a book to read on the plane tucked in there with the other things on the list. It's going to be a fabulous weekend.

Off to fold more laundry and pack my Astroglide, etc.

Quiz

Saw this on my hot and sexy boyfriend, XXX's page.

You Are 23 Years Old

23 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Of course this makes me acting just a couple of years older than XXX acts. As if!

AND...

It's Not Sex. It's ... : Knocking Boots

Get your own Sex Name

I'm counting the hours until I'll be Knocking Boots with XXX.

And now for something completly different...

You Are a Boston Terrier Puppy

Aggressive, wild, and rambunctious. Deep down, you're just a cuddle monster.

What Breed of Puppy Are You?

*snort* I figured I'd be an afghan hound or something else with lots of hair! Pitty they didn't have a 'what cat are you?' quiz since I'm more of cat person than a dog person. Oh... a 'what rodent are you?' test would be funny. Hmmmm I think I need some coffee...

Final Quiz - I promise

I Believe In a Thing Called Love by The Darkness

"I wanna kiss you every minute, every hour, every day You got me in a spin but everythin' is A.OK!" You played it cheesy and campy in 2004, but you know how to rock out.

What 2004 Hit Song Are You?

*snicker* I do love that song.

Coffee now... need to get packing! 12 hours until I'm on a plane to XXX for a weekend of bliss!

How To Rip My Heart Out Of My Chest
And Make Me Feel Unmeasurable Guilt

Wake up this morning coughing, with a fever and all, then disolve into tears because I won't let you go to school. And when your daddy gets back from the store with medicine for you, look at me with big hopeful eyes and say "Now I can go to school?" *sigh*

Note: This only works if you are a wee child. Adults doing this crap just make me homicidal and that causes me to consult literature on how best to dispose of a body.

Weekend In Paradise!!

This weekend I'm gonna be snuggling with my sweetie! I fly to SA Friday night and fly back on Sunday night. Ahhhh... a weekend with XXX.

In preparation for this fabulous weekend I got a book. Not just any book but a how-to sex book. Okay, it's not like I NEED a how-to book for that, we have some pretty spectacular sex, but ya know, there's nothing wrong with striving for perfection.


So what am I trying to perfect you may be asking yourself (or covering your eyes and running from the room in terror), why my oral abilities of course. I purchased a copy of The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio. Reading it now, will be practicing Fri-Sun, will let you know if it's worth the $... or XXX can let you know if it was money well spent.

My Trashy Ghetto Mamma Moment
Or
Bullys Have Bully Mothers

I've been quite busy, that's why I haven't posted lately. I'm still busy and have much to do, but I have to tell about the bully on the bus and my run in with his bitchass mother.

Monday my sister was over dropping off some stuff we are e-baying (gotta pay that ticket somehow!). As she was still here at 3:30 pm we drove to the bus stop to pick up Super Girl. I got out of D's pimped out SUV when the bus pulled up, Super Girl came running off the bus saying "Mom! Mom! He's going to beat me up!" she was scared. I asked her who and she pointed to the bully who was harassing her last week. As we walked to D's truck I assured her no one would beat her up then I turned to the bully and his brother as they were loitering around to hear what I was saying. I told him to leave my kid alone and keep his hands off her. Then I told him to go on home - several times actually. The bully and his brother mouthed off a few times and I continued to tell them the same thing. The boys were now near D's truck, and the bully had a rock in his hand. D get's really tweaked about her truck. Her truck got broken into and vandalized in November so just mentioning that it MIGHT hail can make her hyperventalate. But I digress, she told the boys to drop the rock, get away from her truck and get their asses home. We got in her truck for her to drive us back to my door and the little brats were standing in the street playing chicken with her. After a minute it occured to them that it wasn't the best of ideas to play chicken with her gigantic SUV. Anyway we went on home and I told D that I was going to talk to the bully's mother the next morning and ask her to tell him to stop threatening my child and I would also call the bus service provider and talk to the bus drive.

Tuesday morning at the bus stop I'm waiting for the bully's mother so I can have a civilized discussion with her. As she gets to shouting distance she starts yelling at me asking why I was cussing out her kids the day before. I tell her I didn't cuss at her kids. She starts cussing me telling me how I can't cuss her kids and all the kids were saying that I had cussed out her kids and she didn't cuss her kids (which is a fucking lie because I've heard her do it) and she'd never cuss my kid and how I better never cuss her kid again or she would call the police (said Po-lease) on me. No I wasn't silent during this at all, I quickly realized that bitch wasn't listening and I started yelling back at her that I hadn't cussed her child, that he needed to stop threatening my kid or I would be the one calling the police. The yelling went back and forth for about 5 minutes, she finally shut her fuck ignorant mouth after I turned and walked away from her, but she was asking other kids if they had told their mother's that I had cussed them out and when they said no she said she was going to tell them.

So I call my sister when I get home after I cleaned my living room and calmed down a bit. I told her what happened and she mentioned that when she left that the bully and his brother were blocking the street again and I told her to call the managers of the townhouses I live in. She hung up with me and called them. She called back in 10 minutes and told me that my manager told her that in the future to call the police and her if the brats were blocking the road again as it's not the first time these kids have done this. The manager also wanted me to call her regarding that mornings incident. I explained to the manager what had happened, she asked me where the woman lived and then told me that that person had already been served a 30 day eviction notice due to other complaints about her unruly kids and that she had to be out by February 6th. She went on to say that if there were any other incidents of children blocking cars I was to call the police and her and this woman would receive a 24 hours to evict notice as the management has had enough of this family and them getting a criminal complaint would be the last straw. It was a very informative call as I learned that the new management that took over in September was working hard to get rid of Welfare Momma and others like her and working hard to keep good tenants like us. So apparently between October and the beginning of January there had been enough complaints regarding Welfare Momma's kids that they were given the evict notice. (I'm now wondering if the there will be a big block party when she's gone.)

But wait! There's more! When I went to pick up Super Girl from the bus I notice a mom standing out there that I had not seen before. After the kids got off the bus, I saw the mother talking to her son and heard her asking him if I was the woman who had swore at him. I stuck around as I knew this must be the mom that Welfare Momma had talked to. Her son shook his head no and she approached me asking if her son had been involved in an incident yesterday. I told her no and briefly explained that the incident in question involved an older child threatening to beat up my child and had nothing to do with John-John. She asked if I had spoken to that childs mother and I told her yes that the mother had been out yelling at me just that morning, but the incident was taken care of and had nothing to do with her little boy. She was satisfied and left.

Sheesh!