Dirty LaundryIt’s odd to see a conversation you once had happen again almost verbatim to the one you had. I guess if it worked for him once, he figured it would work again. Maybe a different book, but the same subject of oral sex, but hey, what guy doesn’t love a blow job – just ask Clinton!
Anyway, some days I think I like to torture myself. I saw the ex’s woman’s online journal. Oddly enough after reading it I don’t feel angry or upset, I feel a deep sense of pity for her. Seriously. I guess in some ways I’m glad I read it, I had an epiphany of sorts about the demise of the relationship – I’m better off alone than with someone who felt it necessary to hide his relationship with me. I in no way harbor any ill will towards M on this, I understand that this is just his nature and one woman will never be enough for him. He’s told me before and the last time we spoke of how he can never love anyone, not even himself – and I do believe him now. Anyway apparently they feel as though I have aired the dirty laundry of mine and M’s misfortunate breakup. Honestly I have not done that at all, I’ve spoken to very few people about this, the nature of me finding out about his infidelity in such a public forum lead to MANY people knowing about our relationship that M was keeping a secret. M had the opportunity to be truthful with me in a private forum, hell the weekend of February 25 when I was in San Antonio with him for the weekend, he could have told me I wasn’t the only one, but instead we made love 5 or 6 times a night, went to the movies, had a wonderful dinner out, cooked dinner in, cuddled on the sofa watching movies, snuggled in bed watching television between love making, had fabulous breakfasts and more love making. Never did he tell me that there was some one else (and I had confronted him on that earlier and he lied and said no), he did however tell me how much he loved our weekends together, how very special they were and how special I was to him and how much he didn’t want our special weekends to change. I bought it; it’s what I wanted to hear. Yes I am airing dirty laundry now, it’s a mostly private forum though, not many people read this – this really is just for my own benefit, but this is it, I’m not going to talk or write about it anymore. It’s over. I’m moving on. I’m not looking to badmouth M or anyone else, I have no anger for M though I’m still deeply hurt by his actions and that he didn’t respect me or care enough about me and my feelings to avoid the public humiliation I endured. Really M, if you had talked to me prior to the Excal fiasco, no one would ever know of our relationship, I would suffer in silence and L would not know either. And there was never a reason to lie, I am a strong woman, I can take just about anything. You really could have had it all, I really didn’t care if you saw other women, I cared about honesty. After a year in a relationship – yes a relationship, hell I have your freaking apartment key – in which you continually told me that you wanted me in your life every time I asked you if you wanted to end things with me, I did expect you to be honest. I trusted you to be honest. You let me down and betrayed that honesty. I don’t hate you for it; I understand that’s your nature – maybe the nature of all men to lie for sex. Ya know what they say ‘A tiger can’t change his stripes’, neither can a man. L, I feel for you, I wish you didn’t know any of this, I wish you were still blissfully unaware of any of M’s indiscretions, living with constant mistrust of one’s mate is never easy and it never, ever goes away. If you feel that you have to be with him all the time because he’s easily ‘seduced’ then you are just admitting that you don’t trust him. That’s the type of thing that will keep you up at night wondering, being miles away from him, just wondering. I’ve been through it, I tried hard to trust again and it never ever happened, I always wondered if he was lieing, if every time he was out with someone if he was actually out doing something he shouldn’t be doing – 4 years of counseling later I said enough. It was empowering.
Anyway that’s it, no nastyness really, just my embarrassment and hurt. I have no hate or anger towards M and definitely not L. I’m still hurt, still hurts to see them together, not because I want him back, just that it’s a reminder of how betrayed I was and that makes me feel foolish. I loved him, my foolishness, but I’m moving on and ya know, it feels good.
And that’s it. Dear friends don’t go speak to L on my account, she deserves her peace. And as far as the people who still come up and say “Oh you were with G? Oh gosh, I wish I had know, I would have told you about him. That’s just the way he is though. I’m so sorry.” Okay, enough. I don’t really want to talk about the 13 months of what I thought was something special and be told how very much it wasn’t to him. I really, really just want to be able to look back at all the time we spent talking every day, all the long phone calls and all the time we spent holding each other and our time together as something that WAS special. I really did enjoy being with him and talking to him. So please, don’t ruin things for me. I don’t want to know anymore about his past, his behavior over the past year or anything else. Part of it makes me desperately nervous and anxious and the rest just hurts and makes me feel foolish for trusting him. Please don’t trash him to me, I’m not interested in being part of that. Let’s just not talk about it. I wish only happiness and peace for both M and L and mostly for myself. It’s over, it’s done, time to move on.
