Toothpaste


Recently I had to buy some new toothpaste. Now before I get into this toothpaste story, let me tell about how the week before I went to the store and bought this particular toothpaste and put it in my bathroom. That night when I went to brush my teeth with the toothpaste, it had vanished. No signs of the toothpaste at all. There was toothpast on the floor but it was from the remains of the Aquafresh tubes that were nearly empty - but the NEW toothpaste was GONE. I have YET to find it. The next week I went to purchase toothpaste AGAIN.

Okay... I'm really picky about toothpaste. Growing up we always used the horrible tasting Colegate. But since I wasn't the one BUYING the toothpaste, I suffered with their choice.. and yes it was suffering, at the height of my obsessiveness I would brush my teeth at least 4 times a day sometimes more and I had at least 20 toothbrushes (all yellow) - eventually I threw them all away when I read an article about how they harbor bacteria and should be replaced every month, so now... I have a new one every month. Anyway when I got older and responsible for my own purchases, I bought Aquafresh and I've used it ever since. Early on in our relationship K bought some non-Aquafresh crap and I wouldn't use it.

ANYWAY, on a whim I got this other brand of toothpaste - actually they were out of Aquafresh and this stuff was $1.48 so I figured if I HATED it (which I figured I would), the kids could use it. I tried it and LIKED it. K doesn't like it though. I highly recommend the Cinnamint and am planning to buy some Gingermint also. mmmm... Buy this toothpaste! you will lov eit!!!

ON TO OTHER THINGS!

My legal issues seem to be working out at the moment. All total for the ticket I got this past weekend it will cost $480!!! Mutha fuck! Lucky for me a dear friend has a boyfriend with a Fat wallet and a big dick and she's going to share some of that with me... the fat wallet that is, not the big dick, I can find my own Big Dick. I'll owe her a BIG ASS favor, but I appreciate that she loves me enough to keep my ass out of jail.

And now.. I'm off to finish my sewing.

Toy Party

(not sure why part of it's PINK in the photo, the pen was BLUE with no sparkles or anything)

After my brief consideration to stay home, sit on the couch watching movies and eating the huge 4 part cake torte thing, I did infact go. Whysper and I showed up a little after 7 pm which was infact late, but it didn't matter as the presenter was LATE. It's okay, I brought cake.

There was a BUNCH of people there, which rocked. We all stood around and talked while we waited for the presenter to get there. We did introductions which was quite entertaining and reminicent of a school function... except my school functions didn't include people talking about their drink preference... oh wait.. yes it did!

Anyway, eventually the presenter showed up, set up and started talking TOYS. This was HILARIOUS! And that might have just been all that funny to ME because Denise was sitting right next to me making comments (it was her, not me, her).

Things finally wrapped up about 11:30 pm and Whysper and I went to hang out with other people and stay up way to late. And I took the rest of my CAKE!

Paella


I made that last night and it was wonderful. Super girl ate two servings of it! Cabbage Patch made faces and played with the muscle shells. I liked it.

You Might Be A Nazi If...

I just took this test, it made me laugh.

The Expatriate Achtung! You are 38% brainwashworthy, 27% antitolerant, and 33% blindly patriotic

Congratulations! You are not susceptible to brainwashing, your values and cares extend beyond the borders of your own country, and your Blind Patriotism ("patriotism" for short) does not reach unhealthy levels. In Germany in the 30s, you would've left the country. One bad scenario -- as I hypothetically project you back in time -- is that you just wouldn't have cared one way or the other about Nazism. Maybe politics don't interest you enough. But the fact that you took this test means they probably do. I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt. Did you know that many of the smartest Germans departed prior to the beginning of World War II, because they knew some evil shit was brewing? Brain Drain. Many of them were scientists. It is very possible you could be one of them, depending on your age. Conclusion: Born and raised in Germany in the early 1930's, you would not have been a Nazi.

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 59% on brainwashworthy You scored higher than 51% on antitolerant You scored higher than 75% on patriotic

Link: The Would You Have Been a Nazi Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid

And this is funny to me also...

the Ham (39% dark, 47% spontaneous, 27% vulgar)

your humor style: CLEAN | SPONTANEOUS | LIGHT Your style's mostly goofy, innocent and feel-good. Perfect for parties and for the dads who chaperone them. You can actually get away with corny jokes, and I bet your sense of humor is a guilty pleasure for your friends. People of your type are often the most approachable and popular people in their circle. Your simple & silly good-naturedness is immediately recognizable, and it sets you apart in this sarcastic world. PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Will Ferrell - Will Smith

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 20% on dark You scored higher than 60% on spontaneous You scored higher than 60% on vulgar

Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid

hehehe.... me a ham... and I'm a Jew.

Starbucks & Krispe Kream Needed STAT!!

Dear GAWD I'm surprised I'm awake right now. AFTER everything SUCKED yesterday and I went home to cry some more, I considered ditching my previously scheduled parties and just staying home to sit on the couch and eat the 4 part torte cake thing I bought to bring to the party. K would have nothing of that so I left a message for Whysper to see if I could bum a ride from her to the toy party - I mean fuck I didn't want to drive again!

Well... There's more to the story... but I have to get back to WORK now - anyway, 5:30 am bed time is an ass kicker!

Sucking Saturday

Today sucks. I should be working but I'm fighting the urge to just go the fuck home and crawl under the covers until sometime next week. I'm sure you are wondering why it sucks so much... Let me tell you... I gained 2 freaking pounds this week! I do realize it could just be water retention from the pizza but I suspect it's just FAT retention from the ice cream and cake this week. I know you are thinking 'that's not enough to say the day sucks from!' well yeah actually it us, but let me go on. A special friend moves AWAY today and that sucks. Again you are probably saying 'Oh come on, that's not so bad.' And you are sort of right, but still it does suck, even though there will be visits and all, I'd rather him still live 20 minutes from me. BUT WAIT, there's more! I got a ticket this morning. Yeah a ticket. I finished up paying off someone's mortgage up at Plano PD with the other one just a few months ago and NOW I'm priveledged to get to do it again, this time for Frisco! Woohoo. Mutha fuck! And ya know what sucks even more? I started to cry when I got pulled over! I NEVER EVER cry in front of people, and especially not for a ticket. (hell I'm crying now!) I'm so on the edge today and I'm totally emotional. A TICKET was not the thing I needed right now, I've got enough stress going on. So, come on people, cut me some slack right now - if any of you have the urge to send me a nasty e-mail - DON'T, I've had enough and I didn't deserve that one anyway, if you are pissed at me, well save it for later, if it's important enough it will keep until later, if I owe you money, I'm sorry, it's not happening right now, if you owe me money, just pay up or at least buy me a frappichino and a box of Kleenex. I'm not asking for much, just come on, don't kick me now that I'm down, I've had enough, really. I need my friends right now, not people trying to make my life worse (you know who you are), I need people who love me and are willing to be on my visiting list for when I probably end up in the Frisco jail.

Well I better go back to work... Or go sit in the restroom and cry for the next 45 minutes and hope for pity sales or something.

Ice Cream Coma Birthday

Tonight we celebrated Cabbage Patch's birthday at Ben & Jerry's. The day before her birthday I got a call from B&J saying I won a Vermonster - which is a 20 ice cream scoop sundae, so I decided to use it for her birthday. We invited some family (K's brother and sister-in-law and their son) and some friends (B, K's boyfriend and Whysper). There were 8 of us and we could have used a couple more people to help with the ice cream.

Vermonster

This is how it starts, all the ice cream and stuff in the BUCKET-O-FUN.

Eyes

My eyes, as photographed by my 4 year old.

Two Redheads

Me and Whysper after GORGING on Ben & Jerry's.

The FatChickie had the BEST thing to say though:
thefatchickie : dude,..... Never try to handle two men at once... That goes for Ben and Jerry!
thefatchickie : LOL I had to learn it the hard way
thefatchickie : one man at a time

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Man, words of wisdom! Shit I think I may die from ice cream overload... But I'll be HAPPY!!

Club Night

Saturday night I went out with some of my posse to the club. My posse. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I've always wanted to say that. So ANYWAY, after work on Saturday I took a long nap so I could stay out late with the girls. When I woke I immediately started to PANIC about what the fuck I was going to wear! I am SUCH a mom, I don't have JACK SHIT that's HOT and HIP enough to be considered CLUB WEAR. But I was determined to go out and get my freak on... Or whatever. So I called in K for the GAY opinion. I completely disregarded it when the outfit he favored was the tight one that showed off all my lumps and bulges. Yeah, hot and sexy - NOT! So in absolute desperation I opted for the outfit that I had worn to work - can you get ANY more pathetic that THAT?? I think not.

Whysper picked me up a bit after 10 and we headed out to meet up with FatChickie and Dora. GothK decided to join us at the club which kind of surprised me because I had heard from FatChickie and Dora that the club was Hip-Hop/RB on Saturdays and I just didn't think she would be cool to that. I wasn't all to sure I'd be cool to that myself, I'm not all that into hip-hop, but I was willing to check it out, and in the end my inner ghetto enjoyed the hell out of it.

The club was pretty full when we got there, lots of fine men to bump into. Also lots of manly women in the club. But most importantly, LOTS of fine men.

I won't bore you with all the details, just hit the high lights:

I wasn't dressed NEARLY slutty enough, but that did not mean I didn't get hit on.

Early on it was discovered that my retainer GLOWS in the black light. Yeah, that was just fucked up. I had the WHITEST GLOWING smile, it was truly FREAK FACTOR there.

GothK cracked me the fuck up because one of the bouncer guys kept hitting on her (she did look good though) . At one point we were sitting at the table and he says to her "So do you want to know my name?" She said "No not really, but you can tell me if you want to." ohhhhhh... Shot down!

FatChickie kept buying us drinks - gotta love that! Having 4 Orgasms back to back with your girl friends ROCKS!

Some hot mutha fucker kept rubbing up against me most of the night. Damn I hope he had a license for that thing, because he was packin!

There was this one white boy at the club that looked like he got lost on the way to his Amway convention. He was a cute stock broker looking guy in his white shirt and tie, but he looked out of place. One time at the bar, FatChickie said "I'll give you a dollar if you go talk to him." I laughed she upped it to $1.50, then $2 and $3 and finally a shot (now she was talking) so I walked over and introduced myself like she suggested. About the time I was playfully tugging at his tie and teasing him about being out of place, FatChickie dragged me back to the bar laughing saying she didn't think I would do it! When I told her what I told him, I was chastised and told that I WAS supposed to tell him that my friend had dared me to talk to him for a shot. THEN she WENT OVER TO THIS MAN AND CRUSHED HIS EGO BY TELLING HIM THAT!! Drunk women!

I picked up some hot, hot, hot soccer player who was trying to impress us with his soccer prowess. He was doing really well when he was all "Here feel my leg" and letting me touch his hot body, but when he started actually TALKING, well he was a real ASS HAT. Whatever! I turned away from him and left him to talk to FatChickie and hit on her. She finally sent me back over to him, with the warning that he was a JACKASS. I went back and he told me that he'd like to fuck me but didn't want to go way up to my place, to which I replied "That's okay, I don't want you at my place." End of the line for you dude, gonna have to go home and jack off. Sorry 'bout your luck.

At the end of the night when the lights came up, some fine Sean Puffy Combs look alike was asking for my number. When he asked where I 'stay' and I told him NORTH City, he was all "North City?? Way up there?" and I told him "Oh, I'm worth the drive." He got my number, but he hasn't called. hehehe... Like he WOULD!

We stopped off at Jack In The Box after as GothK would not agree to go to Krispe Kream. Damn it. If I hadn't decided that I was her bitch now, I'd have been pissed. (kidding about the bitch part)

Anyway, I got home at 3:30 am. It was fun, must do it again.

STICK ART!


Because I KNOW you all have missed STICK ART, here is a self portrait. Looks like me doesn't it? Yeah. Now BRING ME STARBUCKS DAMN IT!!! Oh, sorry.... I get all twitchy when the caffeine runs low... off to make coffee!

Good Friends Can Call Each Other Fuckers

The best conversation today:

Him: I was just calling to say sorry that I hadn't called earlier to let you know we can't make it to the party tonight.
Me: That's okay, your wife already called and covered your ass. But now you owe me a beer you fucker!
Him: *laughing*
Me: I didn't say that to your wife. I didn't call her a fucker.
Him: *laughing* *laughing* That's good!
Me: But it would have been funny to hear her drop the phone.

Yeah I'm wrong in the head. Yes he owes me a drink. Yes he is a fucker - in fact I instructed him to hit it with his wife right now and get her pregnant with #2 before his 3 year old turns totally evil and makes them reconsider having another one. Which lead to:

Him: Well I can't right now, I've got to work.
Me: Oh come on! On your lunch break. Three minutes.
Him: *laughs* Yeah that's for me, not her.
Me: So call her and tell her to be ready when you get there.
Him: Believe me if it was that easy I'd be on my cell phone every day on the way home.
Me: It would for me! I'd be slapping a tape in the VCR every day when he got home. 'Here kids, watch this, mommy will be RIGHT BACK! Have a popsicle."
Me: But yeah, I got a gay husband. That's not happening. It's a big cosmic joke on me isn't it?
Him: Yes it is. *laughing*

And people wonder why I'm shareing a bed with BOB and no one esle. Well I need to go make a voodoo doll of him, fucker... and I only mean that in the most loving of ways.

Inappropriate Laughter

Over inappropriate content. Go watch, much funny. Thanks Edana, I laughed my left boob off (gawd damn it! I can't afford to lose that, where is the stapler???).

Things To Ponder

How does one tell if the yogurt is bad? I mean other than if it has fuzz growing on it. Even 'Fresh' yogurt has an odd smell and a odd taste. My inability to tell or to discern if it actually tasted off or was just my imaginination resulted in me having toast and grapes for breakfast instead of yogurt and grapes.

If a lesbian is a woman who likes having sex with women and I like having sex with myself (albeit with BOB's help) and I'm a woman does that make me a lesbian or a narcisistic? Should I change my dateing profile?

So is it brave or stupidly desperate of a man to e-mail me after almost 2 years when our last *ahem* meeting ended with him 'reaching the finish line' well before he reached the starting positon, and for him to admit his failure to contact me was due to his debilitating embarasment of his rather 'quick trigger'? I'm considering e-mailing him back with information on 'premature ejaculation' and the name of a good therapist to help him with his embarassment or just DELETING the message, rolling my eyes up in my head and blogging about what a sad little man he is. Oh.. wait, I just did that didn't I??

Do I really need to be RESCUED from dusting? I just saw an old Pledge commercial where they promise to 'rescue' me from dusting. Hmmm.. *looking around* looks like that's not a problem here.

Why doesn't Starbucks deliver?? Damn my sad existance!

WHY???

Tooth Fairy's Coffee Connections

Dear Ms. Fairy;

You ROCK! I'm so going to get myself a frappichino tonight!

Thank you for feeding my addiction, I am forever greatful.

This totally made my day.

Big hugs and kisses;

Judy

Cryptic Message Confuse Many

Yesterday my message on messenger said something about David Hasselhoff, this confused many people. Let me explain, yesterday The Wife and I were laughing about a time we were watching reruns of Knight Rider. Hence the message... besides... he's very popular in Germany.

The Tooth Fairy Delivers (To Somepeople That Is)

Right before bed I typed up a reply from the Tooth Fairy:

7/26/2005
Dearest Super Girl;

Please accept these two shiny coins in exchange for your precious tooth!

Take good care of your teeth and brush them well!

Watch your mail for a Fairy letter.

Much Love,

Tooth Fairy

Much to my chagrin I only had dimes in my coin purse, not quarters as I had thought, so my darling child only got $.20 for her loss (aren't you glad I'm not your mamma). I left the envelope addressed to her right where she'd find it and headed to bed.

BRIGHT and early, Super Girl burst into my room saying "Mamma! Mamma! She left me two shiny coins!" Then like the sweet child she can be she said "Did she bring you a Starbucks card?" Nope, that did not happen. Oh well.

Letters From The Edge

Last night Super Girl lost a tooth right before bed, we just finished writing a letter to the Tooth Fairy. I know, it's amazing that I'm doing this in a TIMELY manner this time.

July 25, 2005

Dearest Tooth Fairy in Tooth Fairy Land;

I would like to inform you of the loss of my most recent tooth. As you can clearly see I have taken very good care of this baby tooth (you can thank my mother for making certain that I brush on a regular schedule – even when my tooth was wiggly).

In exchange for my sparkling tooth (I had just finished brushing when my dearest mother yanked the wiggly beast from my gaping maw) I am requesting a gift card to Starbucks… no kidding, mom wrote that, I would like a couple of shiny coins and a Starbucks gift card (again mother said that). But a lovely card in the mail from a REAL FAIRY would be lovely and most appreciated.

Warmest regards and much affection;



Super Girl (your biggest fan)

PS – Any idea when the fairy eggs might hatch?

What? What's wrong with asking for a Starbucks card? I'm just being practical!

Professional Discourteousness

Why is it that some people feel that they can be rude to those they feel have menial jobs? This is something I run into occasionally. Case in point, yesterday I walked into a room to do photos of the couple's newest bundle of joy. In the room were visitors, two couples, one with their two rambunctious boys and one with out children (more on the moronic visitors later). As I set up I could hear one of the women in the room talking to the mother about how these baby photos are just so awful and the mother agreed and said something about how you still just have to get them just because. Now firstly, I absolutely hate when people say that. I have been a baby photographer for 4 years and I take care to take good photos (even of the ugly babies). Secondly, how can you be sure something is 'BAD' until you actually see it? When I actually started taking the photos the other idiot woman.... I mean visitor had to stand at the end of my cart and make annoying noises at the baby thereby distracting the baby and making it harder for me to get a good photo - but I did get a good photo. Also she had BAD breath and since she was standing so close, I got assaulted by her halitosis. ICK. Fuck she needed a Tic-Tac and to back the fuck away. When I got finished with the photos and showed them to EVERYONE, I (mentally) punched the fuck out of Mrs. Bad Breath as she GASPED and said "Oh! Those are really good!" I looked right at her, giving her the politest "Go Fuck Your Self!" look and said "Of course they are, I'm a professional photographer." She slunk away and hid in the corner as I finished the transaction with the parents (who for some jacked up reason were also in a state of shock at how the photos were so GOOD).

The moronic visitors did something that made me want to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. They were basically using this baby as a prop for their photos! Mrs. Moron was holding the baby for Mr. Moron to take a photo, then she had her kids come sit with her while she held the baby, then Mrs. Halitosis and Mr. This-Is-A-Good-Place-For-A-Stick-Up, then all fo them, then the parents, etc., etc., etc. I hated them all and I didn't even know them. I felt the urge to give the Moron Children a number for some kind of support group because I'm sure they will need it at some point, but I refrained as the sale wasn't THAT good. Then I left while mutter ancient voodoo curses in my head.

Another dad chapped my ass enough to make me want to leave and say fuck it to the sale. Lucky for him, he realized it and got nice really quick. He was bitching about all the information I was getting from him (we mail the photos, so it's necessary to get mailing address and name, duh) and complaining about how many companies put you on mailing lists, blah, blah, blah, as he complained about the info I was asking for. I cut him off with a curt "Well this is my job ya know." Before I could add "If you don't want to give me the information, you don't have to get the photos done. Have a nice day.", he looked shocked and embarrassed then patted me on the shoulder and blurted out some kind of apology and babbled on about how sad that society has come to this where we have to be so paranoid about the information we give out. Whatever dude, you signed at least 20 different consent forms at the hospital giving permission for your information to be given out, I'm the LEAST of your worries... And yes he did sign a consent and set up an appointment for me to be in the room.

Okay enough bitching about work, it was a really good weekend and there is more to tell. A tragic and sad story about someone I ran into this weekend and my trip to the club - that ROCKED!!!

And Now For Something Different...


In the event you are tired of hearing aobut ME, ME, ME! Go to Amy's Diary, you'll laugh, you'll cry, you... well you should enjoy it (it's funny).

Better yet, go watch the bunnies.

Make Room In the Parthenon! There's A NEW Goddess In Town!

Today has been all about JUDY DAY. I've had no less than 7 separate men either e-mailing or message me to hit on me today (not it wasn't all generated by that one photo).

This is my favorite e-mail:

hi what can i do.....................? what can i say..............? when i saw your magical angel face & diamond eyes .................i feel to fly ..............over the sky ................can i have your honor to fly at your sky nice lady...............

Foreign guys can come up with the BEST lines!

My favorite comment today:
Damn you got a geek goddess look. Damn your a hottie.

That's me, a Geek Goddess just waiting to be worshipped.

Yeah, I'm a little full of myself right now. It's okay, Karma has already set in motion to make certain that my head doesn't get any larger - I've got a giant ZIT coming up right in the middle of my forehead. The North Star!

Dear A,

Go to other blog, have writen stuff.

Hugs

J

Simply irresistible


The above photo prompted a man to send me an e-mail complimenting my breasts and expounding on his intents were I to be so taken by his sparkling personally and intelligence that shown through so very well in his written word. I'll copy and paste the aforementioned prose in a bit.

The photo above is probably one of my favorites (taken by Lerxst) because it's FUCKING FABULOUS! Thank the heavens above for a good bodice laced tight enough to GIVE ME GOOD BOOBAGE! I don't REALLY look like THAT. Check below for what I REALLY look like.

Dork

On any given day, the above DORK photo is what I will look like (probably even in that shirt). The boobs are well, not quiet so impressive. It's okay, it's fine... Occasionally I have the thought that it would be fantastic to wear a bodice ALL the time and look THAT good, but then reality strikes. It would be very good for dieting as it's almost impossible to eat more than 3 bites when laced up really well. Impractical for most things. It would be bothersome to have strangers in the grocery store offering to lick samples off my boobs and might even frighten my children. It might give me an advantage if stopped for speeding, but is somewhat uncomfortable to drive in. So a Dork I shall remain for everyday life and save the bodice enhanced breasts for special times.

So... Back to my fan mail. It arrived with the subject 'love those booooobss!!!' and went on to say:
you can have those delicious looking breast licked nad sucked until they sweel in my mouth along with your clitty getting licked and sucked until you cream and cummm all down my throat mommie!!!,,then you can get my thick fat hard strong 7 inch brownsuga dick to wlr your pink poopop ccocohie walls nice nad sloww as we make sweet romantic luvin...

As you can read, he's obviously an intellect with impeccable grammar and spelling. Only a truly creative mind could come up with "you can get my thick fat hard strong 7 inch brownsuga dick to wlr your pink poopop ccocohie walls nice nad sloww". Unfortunately I'm not entirely sure what he's planning to do with my "pink poopop ccocohie walls nice nad sloww" as I don't have a reference for "wlr" and have no clue what it could mean and how it could have anything to do with making "sweet romantic luvin". (to be honest he kind of lost me on the 'romantic luvin' when he called me 'mommie' and mentioned 'wlr'ing my 'pink poopop ccocohie walls' - none of the walls in my home are pink!)

I considered writing him back:

Dear Sir;

I'm deeply touched by your communication, I truly mean that, deeply touched... And not in a good way. Your confusing and badly spelled attempt at an erotic message has troubled me and disturbed me enough to need extra anti-psychotic medication. First off calling me 'mommie' is troubling, I find men who want to 'play baby' a turn off. Secondly your "thick fat hard strong 7 inch brownsuga dick", just won't do as I only consume Splenda, no sugar for me. Next what is 'wlr'? Is it legal? Would it hurt? Does it require tools? And why do you want to do it to my walls? Which I must add none of my walls are 'pink poopop ccocohie', I don't think I've ever even seen that color. And why do you want to mess with the walls in my home while you 'make sweet romantic luvin'? Please explain.

Judy

I would send that... But I'm quite certain that the sarcasm would be lost on my intellectually gifted and creative fan.

*Update*

Apparently that photo only attracts men who have difficulty with grammar and spelling, I just received yet another piece of fan mail and it was woefully misspelled and painfully badly written. The crime of stupidity is one I simply can not forgive. Bitchy? Why yes I am.

*Later Update*

The count is up to THREE now. This time he's ARTICULATE and can SPELL.

What the hell is up today? Am I MAN NIP today? *thinks to self 'I better go knock on the door of Mansicle Neighbor and hope his wife isn't home!'

*Much Later Update*

The best line in a message so far: very nice smile and yes very nice rack. I'm sorry just have to give credit, ya know. Yeah, I'm totally eating it up. I must thank Lerxst for taking the extremely RARE and AMAZING photo of me looking so damn HOT.

Dear Gawd! I'm Such A 'Tard!

I've been panicking for the past 20 minutes because my iron which I had dropped on the floor right before plugging in was NOT getting hot. After all this time of thinking I BROKE it, I finally checked the cord... which... wasn't plugged in. Apparently I had plugged in the PENCIL SHARPENER. Doh!

Renewed False Hope

So in my effort to bolster my mood and I did as I stated yesterday and I've read my horoscope. As I want to make sure that all my bases are covered, I've consulted several online horoscopes for second, third, fourth, fifth, etc. opinions. Read below.

Leo

Daily extended (by Astrology.com)
You've got a lot to look forward to, especially now. Business looks good, your relationships with your coworkers couldn't be any better, and you're about to find a way to make a pleasurable hobby turn into cash -- cash you didn't feel like you were working to earn. In short, life is good and getting better, and you have no complaints. How about sharing all those good feelings with someone who deserves them just as richly?
(business? you mean my SEWING or my photography? Hobby... now that's where I'm confused, I can't think of any of my hobbies that anyone would WANT to pay me for... 'cept maybe that one that involves BOB... hmmm... I'll get back to you on that one.)

Now here's from TheFutureMinds.com

Here is your forecast for Wednesday Jul 20, 2005.

Personal forecast
Deep satisfaction comes from knowing what you want and persevering until the goal is achieved. Your power is more accessible now, and through its proper application, a favorable outcome occurs. While sometimes you manipulate a situation to get the result you desire, you also can attain it through willpower. Stronger than usual, you show resolve. Use this time to revitalize what is languishing in your life or to release what already is finished. It is an opportunity to eliminate the nonessential and the outdated.

(There is actually 3 different horoscopes for today for Leo, but hell I don't have the patience for all three! So let's see... 'my power' probably means COFFEE and being more accessible means that I'll be chuging some serious amounts today. Sweet!)

From Keen.com;
Your Wednesday Horoscope Judy!
You will want some time alone with the one you love today. If you are currently single, beat the doldrums by being spontaneous for once in your life and calling a friend for an impromptu rendezvous.

(Utter BULLSHIT.)

From Starlightastrology.com

Someone you work with may be withholding valuable information. Problems with in-laws may cause friction in your personal relationship. You mustn't take on other people's responsibilities or you may find yourself irritable and exhausted.

(Shit I'm already irritable and exhausted.)

From Jonathan Cainer:
You have the ability to be exceedingly pleasant. When you are in the right mood, you can charm the birds from the trees. The trouble is, you don't always remember to act this way. Nor do you notice that you have turned your 'niceness switch' to the off position. You assume it is still on. And then, you become surprised to realise that you have offended or upset someone. Now, there is a chance to recognise and repair the damage that has lately been inadvertently done. There's also a chance to make some very wise, important decisions.

(What, are you saying I'm a bitch?)

From Tarot.com
Judy's Horoscope:

It's difficult to tell if you are very close to a wonderful experience or if you have just missed your chance. On one hand, the energy feels as if it's in decline. On the other hand, you can see the bright lights on the horizon and you know something's coming up. Don't change directions now; just keep moving as steadily as you can toward the light.

(Am I dead now? Go toward the light! Fuck it's probably just a truck headed for me.)

And finally from ivillage
Your career path will soon become extremely easy to navigate, but it wouldn't hurt to make some plans right now. You can manage some key moves that will get you where you want to be in record time

(you mean I'll get that zipper in right?? Fuck I hope so!)

In conculsion I have no idea how my day is supposed to turn out, could be REALLY good, or it could just suck.

Any one want to give it a shot as to what YOU think my horoscope is for today. Be creative.

Janis Days

I've probably been listening to way too much Janis Joplin recently. I was considering taking that CD out of the car so I'd stop listening to it, but I think I'll leave it be for a couple of more weeks. I'm kind of in a funk at the moment. *sigh* Stress sucks. I think I'm thankful that my only addiction is coffee. Anyway, I'm not going to bore you with any of the pathetic details of my funk, but I will enlighten you to the lyrics of one of the songs I keep playing OVER AND OVER AND OVER again (now aren't you glad you don't ride in my car with me, not only would you have the superb opportunity to hear this song several times, but you'd be able to hear ME sing it LOUDLY and that my friends would cause permant insanity and probably temporary hearing damage).

JANIS JOPLIN lyrics - "Piece Of My Heart"

Oh, come on, come on, come on, come on!

Didn't I make you feel like you were the only man — yeah!
An' didn't I give you nearly everything that a woman possibly can ?
Honey, you know I did!
And each time I tell myself that I, well I think I've had enough,
But I'm gonna show you, baby, that a woman can be tough.

I want you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,
Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby!
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, oh, have a!
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,
You know you got it if it makes you feel good,
Oh, yes indeed.

You're out on the streets looking good,
And baby deep down in your heart I guess you know that it ain't right,
Never, never, never, never, never, never hear me when I cry at night,
Babe, and I cry all the time!
But each time I tell myself that I, well I can't stand the pain,
But when you hold me in your arms, I'll sing it once again.

I'll say come on, come on, come on, come on and take it!
Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby.
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah,
Oh, oh, have a!
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,
You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good.

I need you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,
Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby!
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart, now darling, yeah, c'mon now.
Oh, oh, have a
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby.
You know you got it — whoahhhhh!!

Take it!
Take it! Take another little piece of my heart now, baby,
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart, now darling, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Oh, oh, have a
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby, hey,
You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good.

Giving Thanks

I'm feeling thankful suddenly.

I'm thankful for the Little People visiting grandma. (it makes getting a piece of ass that much eaiser... er.. I mean finishing things uninterupted)

I'm thankful for who ever invented INSTANT PUDDING!! Gawd damn! Who can't appreciate pudding that's ready in 5 freaking minutes??? (and the lemon is delightful, it tastes just like the iced lemon pound cake from Starbucks)

I'm thankful for this damn computer! Yeehaw! I'd have to acutally go out and BUY my porn otherwise. (kidding! kidding!)

I'm thankful for rechargable batteries. Oh stop that be-otch! I'm talking about for my camera! Filthy mind.

I'm thankful that cats can't actually talk. I'd hate to hear what they'd say! "Ya know, the other day when I was licking my butt..." Yeah, I don't think so.

I'm thankful for hot Massage Therapist who are great with their hands and fabulous in bed.

I'm thankful for smart men who are great to talk to and think I'm HOT. (insane obviously)

I'm thankful for hot coffee.

Well, that's about it. I think I'm done with all this thankful stuff... my pudding is done now. Back to being ungrateful and sewing.

Insert Witty Title

So... After massive frustration with the SEWING PROJECT and after my finally wading it into a tiny ball, dousing it with gasoline and lighting it on the porch, I feel much better. * K and I went to the store to procure dead cow for dinner. Mmmmm... Despite K over cooking my side of the steak, it was a truly delightful dinner.

This morning I woke with renewed spirit and purpose. Actually I think I was a cranky bitch (as usual) for a bit, then I got some coffee and had all that renewal shit kick in. I've decided that I'll adopt some new philosophies in my life just to make me HAPPY and keep me HAPPY. I'll start reading my horoscope again. Regularly. What the fuck, false hope is better than no hope at all. Not that I believe that shit, but it's amusing. Oh wait.. Did I say philosophies... Well that's all I got, I think I had decided on something else also, but after I woke completely and had my eggs for breakfast I realized that it was extremely retarded and promptly purged it from my memory... Or something like that.

Earlier K got the hiccups and blamed them on me. Blamed me for making him laugh. And blamed me for him nearly choking on his drink because he was laughing. My gawd after 11 years of marriage you would think that man would know not to listen to me when I'm talking to the voices in my head. I told him he'd just have to get one of those things installed so that it beeped when he was drinking and I'd know to keep my mouth shut while he was drinking. Although I'd just forget and always be wondering if there was a garbage truck backing up near me. In conclusion, K's hiccups are not my fault... His paranoid psychosis, though, that's probably my fault... Maybe I should stop making him think I'm trying to kill him... nah.

Speaking of one who needs to shut up, that damn cat is still meowing. I have tried to politely explain to her that even though the Little People are far from her, it should not interfere with her main occupation of hiding under something and sleeping for 12 hours straight, then I encouraged her to do so. By encourage I mean threatened to duct tape her to the damn chair if she didn't shut her damn mouth and leave me alone. Damn cat! If I wanted a co-dep animal I would have kept the damn dog!

So... I retrieved the charred remains of the sewing project and after realizing my folly I have returned to work on the item and am delighted to report that I'm so fucking close to being finished it's not even funny. So why am I sitting here typing crap? One word - PROCRASTINATION. That and I needed some coffee, I was getting sleepy. And hot, but not in the fun way. So nw that I've finished my cup of coffee and read my horoscope (and been enlightened and mystified by the predictions) I shall go back to my sewing and mentally planning out my life based on the predictions I've just read. Later!

* ummm yeah.. I didn't do that.

Karma Balance

So yesterday started kind of crappy what with the slow work day and the Toilet Of Doom attack (gotta do so more chants and burn my candles again), but after a nice long nap things turned out pretty good... no... not good, great... even fucking fabulous. Yes FUCKING FABULOUS.

After naps and playing computer games for way to long, I discovered that the cats were out of food. Actually I got tired of the cats biteing my ankles and faking passing out from hunger. Drama cats, I tell you. So off to the store I go for cat food. When I got back there was a message from the Massage Therapist. Woohoo! Spending the evening with Massage Therapist certainly made up for the morning. Yes I did watch a movie this time and yes I did get that coffee... this morning.

Today has been busy spent catching up with K about his weekend (yawn, yawn, yawn, when's it my time to talk about ME??) and sewing. I'm seriously frustrated right now. I have this one thing to finish before I start on the MEGA SUPER HUGE FANTASTIC project and I can't seem to get this done because I'm a primo 'tard and keep doing things WRONG and then have to spend 20-30 minutes ripping out the seams (delicate fabric) of something that took me 2 minutes to sew wrong. FUCK. It's cool I just need lots more coffee.

I'm enjoying the Little People vising Grandma right now. The cats on the other hand may need some Prozac by the end of the week. My two neurotic cats seem to be missing their daily torture sessions at the hands of the Tiny Terrorists. They have been fighting with each other a lot. Dusty has been walking around meowing all the freaking time (I'm about ready to duct tape her fucking mouth shut) and looking for the Tiny Terrorists - this is odd because she usually HIDES from them all damn day. Sunshine has been wandering around aimlessly. I know that as soon as they get home the cats will reclaim their Tiny Terrotists and allow them to whatever they wish in exchange for just being in their presence. Crazy damn cats.

Okay, my break is done. Back to sewing.

Calgon, Get Me The Fuck Out Of Here!

Fuck what a great weekend so far! (sarcasm) When I got home yesterday I think it was even messier than when I left for work, and since the Tiny Terrorists are currently on a invasion of Grandma's house, I didn't think that was possible. I was terribly disapointed in the cats as I've spent way too many of my brain cells absorbing Disney movies and I continue to hold out hope that either the 'Cleaning Fairies' will visit or my cat will get with the Disney program and clean house while I'm at work. No fucking luck. Though I bitch, yesterday was a good day, I had a good dinner (by myself), and a nice evening (by my self) and I'm seriously enjoying the SILENCE. ( I swear if I had no children and lived by myself I'd probably find a job I could do from home and become a hermit and completly lose the ability to speak all together because I'd never have to do it. Okay maybe not... but at times it seems like a good thing) I watched a movie and I'll do a movie review later because it was one whacked out movie, but I liked it.

Today, I woke and went to work (waste of time) and just moments ago I finished cleaning up the water in my bathroom from yet another attack from THE TOILET OF DOOM! Muther Fuck! I so totally wasn't even expecting that, I had walked away and was combing my hair when I heard that familiar sound of water splashing on the floor. AND of course the bathroom is a mess with things out on the floor and not put away. So I had to splash through the water to grab the new package of toilet paper and box of tampons. What fun. I've currently got a washer full of wet towels and I'm thinking that if Calgon isn't going to take me away, then I may have to resort to a bottle of wine and some hydrocodone to take me places. Sheesh.

Shining Saturday

My gawd what a good day it's been so far! I can hardly believe it. The Little People are at Grandma's, the game was quite fun last night, someone is back in town, one of my small hospitals has expanded and now they are BUSY (I have 7 on the books for tomorrow!) and my schedule is right on track today! Oh yeah, can't forget the frappichino yesterday with one of my girlfriends. Hoping for a SPECTACULAR night.

Well better get back to work!

Things That Made Me Laugh

K's navigation skills and my lack of direction, meaning I cut off two people to make turns and had to make a U-Turn as well as threaten K that he'd have to push the fucking car if we DID take his suggestion of 4-wheelin'.

Discussing how women deep down are bitches and when they really want to hurt a guy will dis his 'equipment' or skills with said 'equipment'. (oh shit, don't look confused, his cock, women will talk smack about a man's cock and how bad he is in bed) And then I laughed and laughed and laughed.

Having someone tell me "You know {insert name} has changed since I last saw them... They are more of an ASSHOLE now."

Having my Aunt ask me if I'd like to buy a raffle ticket to win a riding lawn mower or 50 lb deer feeder.

The suggestion that I'll be sitting on the sofa eating bon-bon's, drinking proficiently and being fanned by my bevy of Mansicles during the time the Little People are at grandma's house. WTF people? I have WORK to do! Work I shall now be able to do uninterrupted!! Woohoo!

Being asked by the other photographer if I could replace the wiring in the cart. Yeah, right sweetie, I'm commission just like you - it ain't happening.

Driving home and realizing that drinking that second cup of coffee at my Aunt's house was a BAD idea. K thought it was funny to make jokes about my bladder bursting.

Well enough for now.. Back to that work I alluded to.

No wait.. not done yet.. I just got back from checking the mail and was quite amused by the new maintenance man stopping to hit on me. *snerk*

Classic Insanity

My progeny are not right in the head. They are watching Young Frankenstein while eating lunch. Super Girl keeps saying "Blücher!" to her sister who neighs like a horse in respons. Ahhh it warms my heart to see them appreciate such a classic, maybe they'll want to watch Monty Python after naps.

Waterless Wonders

Yesterday was Cabbage Patch's birthday. We hadn't planned to do anything to celebrate since she was scheduled to be with Grandma and GiGi - since she's 4 we figured we just wouldn't mention the B word and do a small party when she returned. The trip was pushed back to Monday of next week due to GiGi developing a kidney stone. Damn. Okay this started some vague conversations of WHAT we would do for her b-day - it was discussed to do nothing and stick with the PLAN of small party when she does return from Grandma's house. It seemed like a reasonable plan, but we had forgotten to figure in one small detail. A 6 year old sister who hears EVERY THING. She KNEW it was Cabbage Patch's birthday and By Gawd It Would Not Pass Unnoticed!

Okay fine. Yesterday I woke with the same freaking migraine I had gone to bed with - very bad to share a bed with a migraine, steals the covers and snores a lot. What fun. To make it that much more wonderful, the offspring woke in Tiny Terrorist mode and proceeded to wreck havoc on everything in sight. Lucky ME. I figured this would be an ideal time to SELF MEDICATE - (and by 'self medicate' I mean take some sinus medication and a handful of Tylenol NOT smoke a crack pipe and drop a hit of acid) and lay on the couch. Eventually K got tired of watching me cringe and squint every time someone made noise and took the Tiny Terrorists out to the pool. And that makes it sound like things were perfect right, me medicated on the sofa silently wishing my head would explode. But NO, it wasn't. It started threatening to storm and EVERYONE was back in my fucking living room. Thank heavens for naps.

After naps I discovered the city's water was on emergency restrictions and we were told not to use water. Okay... Fun. K and I decided that since both of the Tiny Terrorists now wanted a BIRTHDAY Celebration, we'd take them somewhere CHEAP. Then my real suffering started. We walked to the store because K reasoned "The fresh air will do your headache good and we'll save some gas". I doubted that walking in the hot humid outside would do anyone's head good but I couldn't argue about saving gas. The walk is exactly as I imagined, mostly miserable with a bit of horrible thrown in and enhanced by whining. As we walked back home and toward the Culvers it occurs to us that the eating establishments we were passing seemed oddly vacant... As in closed. Hmmm... City on emergency water use only... Maybe the restaurant are closed... um.. YEAH! Fuck. Time for Plan B. Back home amid much whining - even the kids were getting tired of my whining. K ran out (with Tiny Terrorists in tow) to get impromptu celebration supplies and bottled water (they said the water could be off for a few days at the worst).

magically when it came time for the cupcakes, the Tiny Terrorists transformed back into the lovable Little People, and luckily for me it was almost bed time for them.

So there, we all survived the Waterless Birthday. The End.

Cabbage Patch B-Day

One of my favorite photos from her 3rd b-day.

Dear Cabbage Patch,

Today you turn 4 and gawd help me I managed to survive your 3rd year. 3 was a really interesting year, you went from being a cute little toddler with the baby rolls to being a little demon on two legs and you lost your baby rolls. I wept as I watched them disappear and your horns and tail emerge. I exaggerate, but only slightly. Your sister became a full fledged demon at three also, and miraculously she became a CHILD again at 4, so my hope is pinned on that. Though you woke this morning and promptly started wrecking havoc throughout the domicile and made me curse my karmic lot in life at the moment.

I'm shocked and amazed at how much you've changed this year, hell you don't even look the same! I keep hoping that you'll look more like me as you get older, yes I know, how horrible of me to wish that on you, but one day you'll spawn and you'll understand my feelings, especially after pushing out one already and having it look like the spitting image of it's father! When you sit and consider how much it hurt to sit and pee after that gawd-forsaken episiotomy, or how your boobs will 'never be the same' after a year of breast feeding or all the lost sleep you got while your partner snoozed away... Well I could go on.. But yeah it is valid for you to WANT at least ONE to look like you.

Anyway, enough of my maternal angst and back to YOU! WOW, you've really become something this year. Your sister went off to school and you have enjoyed the hell out of having the day to yourself! When you aren't being totally EVIL you are a complete joy to be around. I love when you have to crawl in my lap and play "got your nose" which usually leads to the "I'm Gonna Cook The Baby!" song, which you love even though it's all about covering you in butter and basil and sticking you in the over, cooking you with carrots and having gravy and bread.* It never fails to make you laugh uncontrollably.

You and your sister discovered "The Wizard Of Oz" and have watched it at least 100 times in the past 3 months. I've taken to telling you both that you really are winged monkeys every time they appear in the movie (hey I have to do something to keep me from stabbing my eyes out with hot spoons). Your sister is nearly convinced I'm telling the truth (she even asked me to show her a map of where the winged monkeys live on the internet), but you don't even seem to be phased by my insanity, you know you are the supreme princess diva in this house (give me strength) and not a smelly monkey, even one with wings.

I still chuckle when I hear you tell yours sister to stop something because it's irritating. Couldn't it be I say that a lot? You amazed me the other day when I watched you buckle your shoes - hell I didn't teach you to do that! I absolutely love your performances you give just for me. Nothing will top you in a pink leotard, yellow tutu and white boots - let's not forget mismatched socks on your hands - as you dance and sing the chorus from three different songs over and over.

Anyway, I'm glad that 3 is over, but only just a bit, I'm sad to see you leaving your babyhood behind. You don't even look like a baby anymore. Gone are the thighs with rolls and little doughy hands. *sigh* You'll always be my baby though, no matter how tall you get or how grown you think you are. ;o)

Love you with all my heart,

Mamma

*I would NEVER cook and eat my child. My oven is far to small!

Damn Them! Damn Them All!

Sheesh! WTF? I've been so busy and not busy but distracted that updating has been just impossible.

So.. let's see... I've had a date with a MASSAGE THERAPIST. This has prompted many comments from my girl friends of "Oh, he must be good with his hands". Heh, I'll get back to that in a bit.

K's still out there interviewing and sending in 15-20 resumes a week. It's frustrating to not have an answer. We are both on edge a lot, luckily there haven't been to many sharp words, but thing's aren't overly HAPPY here. I worry that the Little People (Super Girl mostly) are picking up on the tension and worry. Their behavior hasn't been the best recently and I'm running out of duct tape. Things will be okay, I'm sure, getting to OKAY might be a chore though. I'm thankful for all the supportive people in my life.

My grandmother had planned to pick up the kids and take them with her for a week and a half, but her development of a KIDNEY STONE has pushed that back until MONDAY! MONDAY! FUCK! All last week every time I caught the Tiny Terrorist tieing the cat up or using my digital alarm clock for parts in the timer for their explosives, I'd remind myself that they'd be destroying... er... playing at my grandmother's house soon. Currently I'm in search of my back up bottles of Zoloft and hydrocodone (feel free to donate to the cause). Now I'm muttering a mantra that includes phrases like "please don't make me lock you in a dog kennel until Monday" "no, no, no... remember Judy, we must ration the happy pills or by the time Sunday afternoon rolls around we'll be holding a rifel and looking for a clock tower" "Yeah more coffee is good, who needs to sleep anyway?" "No, no, no! Make the voices go away! Today, not Monday!" "Damn them for not making chewable children's Valium!" At this very moment K has taken the Tiny Terrorist to the pool so that I won't start shooting flames from my eyes at having to CLEAN THE FUCKING LIVING ROOM YET AGAIN! (I am soooooo throwing out all their toys while they are away! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) So yeah... I need a frappichino with extra whip cream.

Also, today is Cabbage Patch's birthday (more on that in a bit) and since GiGi can't travel until she passes the stone, out plans for her birthday are completly fucked. Why can't GiGi travel you may ask? It's only a 2 hour drive after all and she can bring her pee strainer with her (apparently uroligists need proof of your agony). I'm sure she could, but ya know, if I was going to pass something that painful (as in pain that's been compaired to child birth) I sure as hell wouldn't want to be in some skanky truckstop bathroom about to pass out from pissing out a rock, so yeah, we can cut her some slack. Still, now that it's her b-day we have to figure something out. We had planned to have her party after she returned, but fuck, I don't know now. I really do need a frappichino - Someone bring me Starbucks! Damn Starbucks for not delivering!

Oh yeah... back to the first topic... Massage Therapist. Does he have good hands? Mmmmm... let's just say I only saw 15 minutes of the movie and never got to Starbucks, but I'm okay with that. Talented man.

Favorite Photo!


Lerxst took the best damn photo of me - can you believe it????

Separated At Birth?

Not only did K turn 40 this year, but so did Slurpee! I wonder if I can start calling him Slurpee? Oh... wait... bad images... never mind.

Hot Chicks


Go see the rest of the pics here. I don't have time to write about it right now so you'll just have to enjoy the photos and just imagine how much fun it must have been.

Best Laid Plans

After last night, I had planned to be done with work by noon so I could go home and get more rest. Here it is almost 1 pm and I'm still working. I knew I wouldn't get out of here by noon when I didn't even get to my second hospital until 11 am. The only saving grace is that my sales are really good today and I know that my 3rd hospital has no babies to photograph so I can go right home after I finish here.

*sigh* back to work, I should be out of here by 1:30 pm or 2 pm. Later I'll have the thrilling recount of my evening at Ben's and how I spent a good amount of it throwing up in the rest room. I have photos, but I haven't even looked at them yet - I probably don't have many all things considering.

Spectacular Saturday

Damn what a great day it is so far! Now it just may be my lack of sleep from stay up until 3:30 this morning and this day might just be sucking ass big time, but it still seems pretty great to me.

I'm running on caffine today and I'm excited about tonight's gathering at Ben's.

I'm just in such a great fucking mood! If I didn't know betted I'd think someone spiked my creamer with Prozac, but I know it has nothing to do with mood altering drugs (not that there's anything wrong with that... unless you are Tom Cruise, and quite honestly he probably SHOULD be pumped full of Zoloft) but it might have something to do with the Mansicle population in my life getting larger. Not going to say any more on that except that I'm quiet certain that at least ONE of them will turn into more than a vente Carmel Frappichino, and oh yeah I'm getting the extra whipped cream.

Well back to work so I can get on home and take a nice nap before tonight's festivities.

Here's A Quarter Call Someone Who Cares

That really donesn't mean much now that calls from a payphone are like $.50 and most people use calling cards if they use payphones. I don't think "Here's a calling card at $.05 a minute, call someone who cares" has the same impact though.

That song does bring back memories though. Frightening memories of sheer terror of being in the back seat of a pick-up truck (extended cab), grippng the seat and praying for safety as a mad man whipped in and out of traffic as fast as he could possibly go. I'm speaking of one of D's psychotic ex's (she's had a few), this one I'll call Tduh (with the emphasis on the DUH part - he wasn't the brightest bulb in the box... but that's a MUTE point heheheh... that was a little joke for D, I know it's moot). Anyway that Here's a Quarter song was his favorite song. He used to play that song in the truck ALL the fucking time (and sing at the top of his lungs) - it really should have been a clue to D that maybe he wasn't a GOOD choice (you know I love ya girl!) But I digress... I suppose I shouldn't talk smack about a man who works for the po'po.

So anyway, speaking of other things that have gone up in price, MILK. DAMN! What the fuck is up with that? $3 a gallon! Gasoline is cheaper. I'm looking into switching the kids from cows milk to petrol.

Do You Know These Boobs?

I Blame Her Father

She says "It's not in my hand! I can't find it!" I swear it's her father's DNA that is to fault in the 'it's-not-in-my-out-stretched-hand-so-I-can't-find-it'.

Now I understand why some animals eat their offspring.

Fashion Forward

I just told Cabbage Patch the she needs to get dressed. A few moments later she walks into the living room wearing nothing but her red and white panties and my black boots. I just nodded and smiled. It's a good look, I may try it myself some time.

*note: no I didn't let her stay like that, she's wearing a hot pink dress now - good choice for boots, very bold.

WTF Is This?


Gentle Readers, today we are going to play a little game called What The Fuck Is That?? Above is a photo of something I have no idea what it is. I ask you to come up with an answer for me. I honestly have no clue what it could be, is it something to hold up a shower curtain or is it some horrific gynocological tool? I just don't know and I'm depending on you readers to educated me.

Now run along and look it up on the internet, I've got to get back to sewing.

Crazy Chatter

Just heard from the Little People playing Barbies in the corner of the room:

"No! It's SUSHI day! It's sushi day!"

I'm not even going to ask, I don't think I want to know.

Raidoactive Cat

So the Little People are watching Spiderman and Super Girl has Sunshine in her lap, I hear her saying "Bite me cat. Bite me." I ask her what the hell she's doing and to not be mean to the cat and make the cat bite her! She explains to me that if Sunshine was a 'Spider Cat' that she could bite her and get special powers. I told her that Sunshine wasn't a radioactive cat and if she bit her she wouldn't get any powers but probably would get a spanking.

Fixin' Lunch

So I'm in the kitchen making lunch after polling the progeny as to what they would prefer for lunch and Cabbage Patch comes in and says "Hey mom! I wanna knuckle samwich!" Ahhh the temptation.. not really, I prefer duct tape. ;o)

McWardrobe

I absolutly loved this article on McDonalds.

This is my FAVORITE line:

"Our crew in many respects are ambassadors of our brand, and we want their attire to be consistent with that,"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ambassadors of GREASE! I guess the new uniforms will come pre-stained.

Wasted Days And Wasted Nights

My gawd, where has this freaking day gone?? I didn't get jack done today. Or anyone else for that matter. heh.. kidding. I don't know a Jack. Anyway, nothing got done except uploading photos from last night's Fireworks Extravaganza at Lady Edana's place. (I'll post photos and links in a bit)

I had planned to get some sewing done today, but I woke up and was totally off schedule from the moment I put my foot on the fucking floor. I slept in way to late, which is easy when K get's up with the kids. Then it took me for fucking EVER to get the photos uploaded - I haven't even put captions with the photos. (just an FYI, the fireworks rocked the Little People's world - they even said that Shaz is cooler than... CAPTAIN JOHN! Unbelievable.)

I needed to get with it and start sewing but it just wasn't happening as the kids were NEEDY today, as in NEEDING a snack, NEEDING a drink, NEEDING a smack on the bottom, NEEDING to stay the fuck out of my bathroom and stop putting on way to much expensive perfume. K spent the day sending in resumes and working on fixing B's computer. He also got a second interview for tomorrow. Let's all take a moment to pray/send possitive vibes to K that he get's offered this job and it's a REALLY GOOD offer.

So THEN I got a freaking sinus headache! I sat on the couch and pretended to watch bad Disney movies while i waited for the PAIN to stop.

And... awww fuck, who cares. Sufice to say I pissed away this day.

Uneventful Weekend

The weekend was actually fairly busy but somehow I managed to have a distinct and profound feeling of boredom. Not all the time, but plenty of the time. Or maybe I'm just thinking it was the whole weekend when it was just today. Today being a holiday and not much different than any other freaking day has just lent it self to boredom and long naps.

Tonight will be another story entirely - thank goodness, I'd probably have to talk K and B into commiting a crime or something as nefarious just to keep myself from falling into a horrible boredome induced coma.

Tonight we take the wee people to see Shaz blow up things. I mean fireworks. Woohoo. Gotta love people who live out where you can light fireworks in their front yard!

But I'll write about that later... as well as the weekend which i'm sure after some reflection will turn out to not have been as boreing as I feel it was now.

But on to something else since I'm feeling irritable;

Things that bug the shit out of me

The sounds of people eating or drinking. I'm not quite certain where in my damaged psychie I developed such a perverse hate for those noises but I've been known to start plotting people's deaths at dinner because I could fucking hear them chewing. Luckily I generally forget about my plot of their demise when desert comes.

People who can't maintain eye contact during a conversation. That's just irritatining and makes me figure you are either bored or lieing to me. At any rate if it happens on a first date it's a guarantee that a second date won't happen.

People who don't curb their dog. I don't own a dog because I don't like to have to pick up another animal's shit. It pisses me off to have to tell the Little People not to play on the grass because of the dog shit.

Well I'm off.

Voodoo


Above is a photo of my voodoo ritual done to rid the TOILET OF DOOM of the evil clogging influences within. Yes it really is a photo taken in my bathroom, yes I really did have that many candles lit at one, no I did not light my hair on fire like the last time I lit that many candles (which was for a romantic dinner with the ex... hair on fire shhould have been a sign to me) and yes my StickArt tat is still a bit sore.*

The voodoo ritual seems to have worked and there has been no more call for The Super Plunger, yet it is resting near by the toilet just in case. I continue to rattle the bones and do my chanting for clear flushing daily.

*Well it probably WOULD be sore if it really exsisted outside of my warped little brain.

And All Is Well In The World

Nothing fills me with more pride than walking through Wally World with my two demonic offspring trailing behind me dressed in sparkly dress up clothes while the youngest one's howling screams of injustice (she WANTED the basket... Then the balloon) echo through the building. I tell you, it brings a tear to my eye.

Odd

Tonight at karaoke there was this guy sitting at a table by him self with a BANJO. I kept expecting to hear "Dueling Banjos" a la Deliverance.

Lunching With Royalty

Yesterday by royal proclaimation (and the promise of some margaritas) I joined Queen Mystic and Princess Heart of the SPCF.

I joined the Queen and Princess at Cantina Laredo. When I arrived they had already consumed some Margaritas and queso and were having quite the time (Damn that North Dallas Tollway for taking so long!), I'd have to work hard to catch up to them! We dined on delightful Mexican cuisine (the Pollo Chipotle was FABULOUS) and drank margaritas. Then it was time to head to the tattoo parlor.

Luckily for us, Cat Tatto is RIGHT next door to Cantina Laredo so no one had to forsake the Margaritas to mantain enough sobriety to drive.

Me and Heart

Heart paged through some tattoo books while we waited.

Royalty

We all went back when it was TIME. Mystic got hers done first so as to give Heart ample time to be nervous about getting hers.

Sadist

I meant ARTIST. He was very nice and laughed at my jokes, which I'm not sure Mystic appreciated since I was making the gynological jokes while he was coloring her tat in! Oops! My bad!

Assume The Position!

NOT the position you were thinking of perv!

The First Poke

Much to my surprise she didn't even flinch when he started. Even more surprising there was absolutly no screaming or crying while she got her tat. There was however the occasional dirty look cast in mine or Heart's general direction.

Pretty Fairy

The end result is breathtaking and this photo does it no justice. Next time you see Mystic pull up the back of her shirt and see what's going on there, you won't be sorry.

Next up was Heart.

Scot worked amazingly fast and Mystics tattoo was done in one hour almost exactly to the minute. I couldn't tell if Heart was encouraged or more anxious by watching Mystic get hers, but now it was too late to back out.

Heart PreInked

I was a little surprised that it was as big as it was, but damn it looks cool.

And He Starts

Heart did flinch a bit when it started but that was nothing compaired to the crying and screaming to be heard coming from the shop. Oh wait.. that wasn't her it was me. Sorry...

But It's A Good Kind Of Pain

Apparently the outline hurts the most... And Heart didn't take nearly enough Vicoden before hand.

Fabulous!

After a mere 30 minutes of agony, Heart's beautiful body art was complete. And she was thankful - no more outline!

Stick Art Tat

*And because I was swept up in the moment, I decided to get one also. I went with something simple that would represent my offspring and my own personality. Stick Art! What better kind of body art than Stick Body Art! Woohoo! I think it looks rather dashing.

Farewell! Farewell! Farewell!

And finally, it was time to bid farewell to the precious Queen and adorable Princess and for me to make my way home.

*That part was complete bullshit. I in no way permanently inscribed a stick man on my body. Feel free to check for yourself... but only if you are a hot mansicle. ;o)

The Toilet of DOOM Part Deux

I returned to my home about 8 pm on Sunday. I went to the bathroom and when I flushed I watched as the water filled the bowl then slowly, every so slowly receeded and made an odd gurgle noise. Fuck. I knew that the damn TOILET OF DOOM was yet again issueing me a challenge. Being completly exhausted I just walked away and made a mental note to deal with it before bed.

I lay on the couch watching movies* and wating for K and the Little People to return from Shakespear In The Park. They got home a little after midnight and K and I spent the next two hours talking about our respective weekends. The toilet challenge was completly forgotten by me (which sucked because my initiall plan was to plead with K to go plunge the toilet for me).

Monday morning I awoke with an urgency deep within, I had to pee. In my sleepy and sore state I completly forgot the challenge that had been issued by evil and satanic plumbing. I peed in the TOILET OF DOOM and flushed. As I watched the water fill the bowl and start to recede very slowly I sudenly remebered the night before. DAMN IT! It was time for a show down.

I kicked the clothing on the floor out of the way and grabbed my SUPER PLUNGER. As the water had completly receded I lifted the seat and flushed hopeing that this flush wasn't THE ONE to cause a cascade of water from the bowl. Luckily it just filled the bowl. I leaned forward with trusty plunger in hand, muttering ancient voodoo curses under my breath and plunged with gusto. Well actually it was more like a half assed plunge as my arms were still pretty sore from the toobing trip. I flushed. Damn it! I think the toilet is laughing at me now as I watch the water fill the bowl to the top. I plunge again and again and again, flushing cautiously every so often to gage the state of the blockage. At the point that I'm about to tell the Little People that they will have to hike to the gas station every time they need to go, the damn toilet makes a gurgle and clears. I flush a few more times just to be sure and it remains clear.

I'll be setting up a voodoo shrine in the bathroom now as I'm quite certain that all this plumbing activity is the work of evil spirits and voodoo magic. Damn them! Thank goodness for the blessed and wonderful Super Plunger.




*actually it was more like 'I lay on the couch to watch movies but fell asleep drooling on the pillows..."

Most Interesting Excuse

The Tiny Terrorists have come up with a new reason they can not clean, "I can't clean, my legs are asleep!" I give them points for creativity.

Toobing Trip

I had the best time ever, got a little sunburned and quite a bit sore. I have some photos, not a lot. I'll get to the recap of the trip soon - just a busy day, seems the Tiny Terrorists saved up all their EVILNESS for me and now they are letting it all out. *sigh* Gotta go find my duct tape so I can have a moment's peace. Ya know, you would think they would be perfect angles today after I gave them ice cream for breakfast!

Off to domestic duties - more later on jello shots, good food, toobing and my continuing battle with the TOILET OF DOOM! (yes, yes, my nemisis of plumbing has returned to taunt me).

Toobing Trip Recap

Unfortunately I didn't get a whole lot of photos as we spent practically all of Saturday on the river. Friday's photos are minimal as we were driving most of the day and as soon as we got camp set up I commenced with my duty of helping to make room in Sable and Lerxst's ice chest by consumeing Jell-O shots. Hey, don't give me that 'you-are-just-a-lush' look, they needed to make room in the ice chest for food, I was just helping out.

WTF??

I have no idea what this could possibly be. We saw it outside the quality establishment we chose to eat lunch at Friday. I wonder if the bug had the buffet.

After setting up camp on Friday everyone got into swimsuits and headed to the lake. No toobing that day just standing around in near freezing water splashing each other. Then we all headed back to camp and started making dinner.

Luna

I love this photo of her.

Smokin' The Sausage

Captain John threw some seriously good brats on the grill. As you see even Slash enjoyed having Captain John's sausage in his mouth.

Toobing Group

Look! Drunk people!

more drunks

The ED crew - well some of them.

Visitor

This critter was in the bathroom. Shaz kept telling me about an enormous spider hanging out in the bathroom, and in my inebriated state, I went to look for said spider and all I found was a huge roach. Maybe he ate the spider.

Many of us ended that night quite drunk.

Saturday!!

After breakfast we all headed down to the river to float. I ended up with the gimpy, retard tube, which was somehow appropriate as I really was a retard on the river. I had a multitude of issues. First - my swimsuit was too big. I had suspected it when I recieved it and my attempts to fix the problem before the trip were useless as the store I procured the suit from no longer had any suits in my size. Scratch that... they did have ONE suit. It was of a pattern that was so incredibly ugly it could be clasified as being as hidious as cat butt cheeks. At the urgeing of the sales person I actually put the butt cheek patterned swim suit on and was instantly overcome with the urge to vomit. I had to take it off and leave the store screaming. But I digress. The suit wasn't an issue really at that very moment, it was later that it presented issues. My next and most pressing issue was that I am SHORT and I had a tube without a bottom so I had a hell of a time holding my self up in the tube. It got exhausting and I'd slip down in the tube so that all anyone could see was my hat, my arms from the elbow down and my feet sticking up. I looked like a bug stuck on the water.

...to be continued... off to do more domestic things...

Public Announcement
Toobing Trip!

Now hear this! I am getting ready to leave to go have a kick ass time toobing, drinking, getting sunburned (hopefully not) and just having fun. That said, I OBVIOUSLY won't be blogging! But... I will take a moment from my debauchery to think of all my poor friends who are not with me. I promise to raise a Jell-o Shot to you. ;o)

Impressive Wingspan


Someday, mine hope to grow up and be just like Shaz's!

Toobing Trip!

Currently I'm making pounds of pasta salad for this trip while stressing about every other tiny detail and trying to get things done so I can get packed and fighting off my guilt feelings of leaving my family for the weekend while I head off for some drunken fun with my friends.

This trip is going to rock... as long as I don't have a panic attack before I leave!

Work News

K is out now on a job interview, tomorrow he has another job interview and just a bit ago he got a call regarding his resume, presumably to set up an interview. Last night in speaking to Whysper, I discovered she works for a company that does crap that K is probably qualified to do AND they have 7 openings they are hireing for. I sent K's resume to her as soon as I got home last night.

SO.. the job search seems to be going along. I'm still seriously stressed about all this and hope that he gets a job RIGHT NOW.

I also applied for a job. No it doesn't require me to say "Would you like fries with that?" or ask anyone if they would like to supersize anything. It's a photography position. We'll see what happens. Otherwise I'll be asking people if they'd like paper or plastic... well that all depends on how things work out with K's job situation. But enough about that! Send good job vibes our way.

Seriously Though

I got a call from my father today. Things are not so good for him right now. His wife is having some major depression issues and recently has been threatening to commit suicide. Last night he stayed up most of the night because she had threatened to use his shotgun to do it. He took all the bullets from his guns and put his guns and ammo where she can't get anything. Nothing is more destressing and guilt inducing than listening to one's father cry on the phone. *sigh*

My father is on disability due to heart ailments and my step mother doesn't have insurance with her job. If anyone in the Houston area has any suggestions on where she could go to get some assistance, it would be greatly appreciated. I spoke with Mystic this morning and she gave me a few suggestions. More is always welcome.

Any thoughts/prayers/etc. you'd like to send his way, please do. He's my dad and I love him very much, any actions taken by his wife will directly affect him. Thanks in advance.

Pasta Time!

Well I best get back to making pounds of pasta and stressing! Woohoo! This tubeing trip is going to rock! Just wait for the photos.

That's a Wrap!

What is a taco? Webster's dictionary says:
Main Entry: ta·co
Pronunciation: 'tä-(")kO
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural tacos /-(")kOz/
Etymology: Mexican Spanish
: a usually fried tortilla that is folded or rolled and stuffed with a mixture (as of seasoned meat, cheese, and lettuce)

and Yourdictionary.com says:
ta·co
n. pl. ta·cos

A corn tortilla folded around a filling such as ground meat or cheese.


What is a wrap? Yourdictionary.com says:
wrap
n.

4. A flatbread, such as a tortilla or lavash, rolled around a filling.

Webster had no listing for a wrap you'd eat.

Hmmmm... Okay... I sent K out to fetch tacos a few weeks ago. He got me my usual, soft taco, which is neither corn tortilla nor is it fried - is it still a taco? or is it a wrap? I had lunch with friends a couple of weeks ago and got the crispy chicken something-or-other wrap. It was in a tortilla and it was at a Mexican restaraunt, was it just a crispy chicken taco?

To further confuse:
What's a burrito?
Webster says:
Main Entry: bur·ri·to
Pronunciation: b&-'rE-(")tO
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural -tos
Etymology: American Spanish, from Spanish, little donkey, diminutive of burro
: a flour tortilla rolled or folded around a filling (as of meat, beans, or cheese) and usually baked

and Yourdictionary.com says:
bur·ri·to Listen: [ b-rt, b- ]
n. pl. bur·ri·tos

A flour tortilla wrapped around a filling, as of beef, beans, or cheese.

Okay... K got me a burrito go go with my soft taco. The burrito was tasty, but it wasn't baked. My taco wasn't baked or fried and neither was my wrap. All three that I got had a tortilla wrapped around a filling. Were they all the same??? Is it all just some nefarious marketing ploy to make people buy food?? What the hell am I eating??? Maybe I'll just have a bean samich' and call it lunch.

Pop Tarts For Breakfast

Pop Tart


As I chatted with The Wife yesterday morning before work, I was amused to discover that Bert and Nick* would be bringing Captain John Pop Tarts for breakfast. K got Pop Tarts for breakfast also. I wonder how many dad's got Pop Tarts for breakfast? For Mother's Day I got scrambled eggs, toast, a big bowl of cereal and milk, coffee and juice. I didn't eat it all, I let the Little People have the cereal. K got Pop Tarts still in their foil package, brought to him on a plate by an excited three year old who kept yelling from the kitchen that 'You got Pop Tarts!' despite being shushed and told it was a SECRET. I think he enjoyed his breakfast.

Due to the increased levels of stress in this household from K having lost his job last Thursday, K did not sleep in on Sunday and was up well before the Little People, effectively ruining my plan of having the offspring surprise him with breakfast in bed.

(Slight break in post - my oldest, the 6 year old who was just sent upstairs to dress after a bath, just came down the stairs looking more redneck and white trash than I believe I could have even planned for her to look. She's wearing a denim jumper with a white wife beaterish looking shirt underneath and the effect is completly distrubing and comical. Ahhh gotta love it when the redneck, white trash genetics rear their ugly head.)

Other than that, Father's Day was completly uneventful. I went to work, the Little People went with their father and Mr. B to church, later K called his father like a dutiful son and I like the neglegent daughter did not call my father as I could not bear to have a guilt trip from my dad. Yes, I am bad.

Well off to clean house, worry about finances, list stuff on e-bay, sew and extort money from weathly relatives (like I have any).

*Bert and Nick are CATS.