Insanity Of My Morning

This is how my morning has been... My neurotic cat woke me before my alarm, which is probably good because I needed to be up about 15 minutes prior to the time my alarm is set to go off (right when the cat started licking my hand - psychic kitty?), had breakfast with the Alpha Offspring and doing the morning thing. Upon returning from depositing her on the transport to publicly funded educational opportunities (bus to school), I discovered the Omega Offspring on the sofa watching Justice League Unlimited cartoons (for the 500th time) and requesting breakfast. After providing her with a nutritional and delicious breakfast (cereal and milk) it was requested of me to "Do the puppet!" So I spent 30 minutes negotiating with a pink stuffed puppy with iridescence eyes via a sock puppet. Afterwhich I attempted to drink my coffee and surf the internet for news while still wearing the sock puppet as demanded by my Tiny Terrorist. Not such a good idea... The puppet needs a trip to the washing machine as well as my dress and I need another cup of coffee... But don't I always need another cup of coffee??? Starbucks is my place of worship! Sometimes I wonder if being addicted to meth would be cheaper...I'm sure it's not as tasty though.

ANYWAY... On to other insanity around.

Arnie is going to veto a bill to make gay marriage legal. I love his reason for the veto "out of respect for the people"... I'm sure he meant to clarify people by saying "the ultra conservative rightwing Christian fag bashing" before people. Sell out - I love this line in the article "Despite his promise to veto the bill, Schwarzenegger still believes "gay couples are entitled to full protection under the law and should not be discriminated against based upon their relationship," Thompson's statement said. "He is proud that California provides the most rigorous protections in the nation for domestic partners."" Yeah, right. Proud they helped get him office but not proud enough to give them the same rights as everyone else. Yeah thanks Gov. for being proud of the gay/lesbian public but how about showing them some RESPECT.

Other stuff... Apparently Victoria Beckham - once known as Posh Spice has admitted in an interview that she has NEVER read a BOOK. Why is this so NOT surprising to me? And so un-newsworthy!

In other gossip, it seems that since Eva Longoria has discussed her love of vibrators she's received many, many from fans and admirers. Now I'm jealous! Her boss's at ABC have asked her to stop talking about vibrators - how uptight is that! Ya know, a real fan would have sent her a few cases of researchable batteries!

Okay, I think the caffeine has finally kicked in and I need to go wash a puppet and clean house!

Good News!

I finally got a phone call from my brother yesterday, he's in Tennesee now. Somehow they got shuffled all over the US and ended up right where they had been planning to go anyway (my brother and his wife had plan at the beginning of Sept. to move from New Orleans to Tennesee to be closer to her family). I'm glad he's safe and it was very hard to hear my brother tell me that he was okay, they where where they needed to be and that they had lost everything, but he was thankful to be alive. I'm collecting a box of things for him and his wife right now and will send them along as soon as I have an adress for them. Robert (my brother) said that through it all he had yet to talk to anyone from FEMA even though he had tried several times to reach someone. *sigh* At least he's safe!

More good news - I spoke to a hot and sexy man I know who made sure I was aware that he no longer has a girlfriend. YEAH! I see a road trip for a booty call on the horizon!

Not So Good Things...

I spoke with my father shortly before my brother called and he was very stressed and emotional from not hearing from my brother, and that worries me because he has heart issues. *sigh* Daddy called back after Robert called him and he was quite relieved, but that didn't last long, the happiness I mean. Every phone call with my father is a negotiation in GUILT and this was no different. I got my fill of guilt for the year.

K is still looking for a job. This is quite frustrating.

Other Things

Sunday I took the Tiny Terrorists with me to go tubing in Glenrose. They whined quite a bit and at one point Super Girl said to me "Is this ALL we do???" to which I replied "Yes, yes, this is ALL we do. You WANTED to come on this trip remember?" In the end they said they had a great time and spend quite a bit of time telling their father about the trip and the fishes and how much fun they had. It was a lot of fun, and that's saying a lot as I had a freaking migraine that was making me sick to my stomach.

The next day was a BBQ at Lerxt's and that was nice. The food rocked. The company was fabulous. I really do have the best friends in the whole freaking world!

Okay, that's all for now, I have much work to do around here.

WWJW?


Well that should answer that question, Taco Bell! He'd work at Taco Bell serving up Nacho Bell Grande's with a side of salvation. I just got the Cheesy Crunch Gordita which was quite nice and passed on the dogma.

Much Grief and Relief

I watch the images of New Orleans with much distress and also relief. I'm relieved that my brother is not in New Orleans, but my heart is still very heavy seeing the destruction of the city I spent my early childhood in. The city both of my siblings were born in, the city my sister and I share fond memories of holding hands and singing as we walked to the store. The city my sister can still remember every address of every place we ever lived there. The one and only city that all of my family lived in at one time. I'm so sad to see it like this. My heart aches for all of the displaced residents.

If you can do something for the victims, please do.

The Red Cross
The Salvation Army


Volunteer your time if you can't give money, donate things if you can't do that.

Things I Just Don't Understand

Getting into my car and hearing talk radio blaring on the radio as loud as I listen to my Janis Joplin CD (which is pretty fucking loud). Talk radio for the love of dog! I HATE talk radio. K on the other hand LOVES talk radio. What-the-fuck??? Maybe it's because I'm a victim of ADD and I get bored eaisly (hell I almost burned a bag of microwave popcorn tonight because I fucking FORGOT about it cooking before the 3 and half minutes it took to cook!), but I don't GET talk radio. How the hell can people actually get PAID to just ramble on about pointless (to me) shit? And how the hell can I get a job like that? I mean I CAN RAMBLE, oh yes I can. (K is torturing me right now by listening to this jacked up shit at the moment)

I don't get this either, why would you call me to fuck with me about how nice the weather is where you are when you fucking KNOW it sucks here? Our conversation:

BitchCallingFromTemperateArea: Guess what the temperature was here today?
ME: uh, I dunno, tell me (ie. go ahead make me want to kill you)
BitchCallingFromTemperateArea: 70, we walked on the beach today.
ME: Fuck you. It was 90-something here. I sweat.
BitchCallingFromTemperateArea: 'Schnookums' sweat walking up a hill today.
ME: (starting on her voodoo doll) I sweat when I stepped out the door today. Thinking made me sweat. Fuck you and 'Schnookums' and your 70 degree weather.

Sheesh... 70... Why you gotta be doin' me like dat?

Another thing... I'm wondering if ADD is contagious. Today while I was helping Super Girl with her homework (I'll get to that in a moment), K dished up some ice cream for all of us. As I was busy with Super Girl in a choke hold trying to get her to DO her homework, I motioned to him that it was an inappropriate time for us to eat ice cream. He and Cabbage Patch enjoyed theirs as Super Girl and I did 'homework'. After the afore mentioned 'homework' session, I went into the kitchen to get some ice cream and found two bowls of brown liquid sitting on the counter. ON THE COUNTER. WTF? Grrr...

And finally... Since WHEN should it take 2 hours to do 1st grade home work and how the hell come it's so damn much work for ME???

'...Christ killing Christians...' I just heard that phrase on the damn talk radio that K is torturing me with and damn I think THAT just made the torture WORTH it!

Okay, I'm off to drink NyQuil and hallucinate.

SAFE!

I finally got word that my brother and his wife are SAFE in Baton Rouge, La. I'm so relieved.

I Would Do Anything For Love, But I Won't Do That!

The Little People are the most precious people in the world to me and I'd do just about anything for them, hell I'd even give them most of my internal organs just for the asking, but I have to draw the line somewhere. And that place has to be my BED! There is nothing I hate more than when one (or both) of the Little People decide that they need to sleep in my bed. I know, I know, I sound like a horrible mother and my nominations for "Mother of The Year" are being torn to shreds as I type this, but fuck I hate it. LUCKILY it seems to be a rare thing again, but for a few weeks there, it was EVERY DAMN NIGHT!

Let me explain why this drives me insane so very much. First, they usually decide to invade my personal space between 2 am and 4 am, when I'm quite asleep and not all that likely to haul my sleepy ass out of bed and drag them back upstairs to their room. Second, despite the fact that I have a king size bed, they insist on sleeping rightnexttome, and every inch I move away from them, they scoot next to me until I'm sleeping on 6 inches of mattress edge. Third, their freaking FATHER is UPSTAIRS!!! Why can they not knock on HIS door and wake HIM? Fourth, elbows and knees and little feet. Specifically the ones that are whacking me in the face, kicking me in the back, making it impossible for me to get a decent night's sleep!

So offspring of mine, NO MORE! Do not ask to sleep in my bed anymore. I will gladly give you a kidney that I cut from my own body using my own sewing scissors and I'd even forgive you if you said you were just kidding as I stitched up my own incision, but I refuse to give up my freaking pillow! Next time you are tired of sleeping in your own bed, you had best head into your daddy's room or make yourself comfee on the sofa. Mamma needs her sleep, sometimes coffee just isn't enough to keep me going.

Stress Builds Character, Right?

I'm quite stressed right now, but what's new really. Among all the other things I have going on, I've been worried about my brother who lives in New Orleans. I really didn't know if he got out before Katrina hit. He and his wife had plans to leave NO the beginning of September to move closer to his wifes family, but I was holding out hope that when they saw that Katrina was going to hit, that they would have left early.

I just got word that my brother left a message for my sister early this morning that just got passed along to her - it was just wto words "I'm okay" then the line went dead. She said there was a lot of noise of people yelling and screaming for their turn on the phone behind him. I'm guessing that he's at the Superdome and that in and of itself makes me worry more. I'm glad he's alive, but I really was hopeing he was out of NO. All I can do now is pray and wait for another phone call.

Other Stuff

I feel as though I'm getting over my nasty cold and that's almost disapointing as that means I'll have to give up my beloved NyQuil. I'm almost actually FEELING better, but not quite as every time I get up to do something (like laundry) I suddenly get all sweaty and a little light headed. It might have something to do with the DayQuil I'm taking (which has ceased keeping me from being very very sleepy, but seems to keep me from having to blow my damned nose every 3 minutes).

Man Can Not Live On Macaroni and Cheese Alone

But a toddler can. Cabbage Patch has got to be the pickiest child. She refuses to eat anything other than Mac n' Cheese, slices of cheese, pickles and the occasional piece of chocolate.... unless she's really hungry, then I might be able to get her to eat a whole half of a pb&j sandwich. Mind you if I were to make a box of KMac, she'd eat nearly the whole damn thing. *sigh* So yeah.. I tell my kid that she needs to eat her sandwich or the monster that lives under my bed will come out and chew her toes off and she gets all wide eyed, but doesn't believe me. Then I look toward my door and say that the moster is going going to get her, and she laughs at me and says "mom, it was just a snake!" Kids.

This Post Brought To You By The 'Night time, Sniffling, Sneezing, Coughing, Aching, Stuffy Head, Fever...' Medicine, My Favorite Shot, NyQuil

Friday SUCKED. I'm not getting into it, but take my WORD for it that it SUCKED ASS.

Friday night I went out with Whysper and friends even though I was coming down with a fucking cold and was feeling AWFUL. After a dose of DayQuil (which I love nearly as much as NyQuil), I went to the club. I threw caution to the wind (as well as the health of my precious liver) and drank. Luckily due to my consumption of DayQuil prior to my arrival at the club it did not take much to get me drunk and I was wide awake. I can totally vouch that DayQuil before clubbing will make it more interesting and cheaper to get drunk. Highlights of the club: They wouldn't let me wear my super cute hat in (bastards!), I wore my light up ho shoes and they ROCKED!, small amount of booze and I was drunk, Dukes of Hazard was very cute and fun to flirt with but ultimately WAY to young, Fat Chickie plotting to kill a stupid man at the club, then Fat Chickie making peace with said man, THEN Fat Chickie almost getting into a BAR FIGHT! What fun! Well it was fun. Until my DayQuil wore off... Then it sucked. It wore off about 1 am a long with my DRUNK and we left the bar at 2 am and went to Taco Cabana for cheap Mexican food. Whysper and I left there at 3 am amid my anguished pleas to leave so I could blow my nose in private and medicate myself heavily before I had to go back to WORK.

Saturday came to damn quickly but thanks to the miracle of medical science I did manage to make it to work and was awake. I finished up work, took a nap and headed to spend the evening with Bubbles. We had a most interesting dinner of sushi, latkes and Ben & Jerry's. And drinks, of course drinks, I hadn't done enough damage to my liver so I had to have a couple of drinks. Late that evening we went to the store to get me some more cold medicine as I hadn't brought mine with me and I NEEDED it. As we checked out Bubbles grabbed my NiQuil and handed it to me saying I needed to take some now and the checker said "Oh no girl. She'll be asleep in the car if you do that." Then she proceeded to tell us how she had taken a bunch of NiQuil while she was pregnant. hehehe. Before heading back to Bubbles' place we made a detour to a sex shop and had the MOST fun walking around and discussing what is good and what isn't. I made a major purchase of a top of the line vibrating egg - 16 vibrations and 5 speeds... Oh yeah, if you don't hear from me in a few days, send someone to get me... Preferably a hot mansicle with a supply of batteries! (I bought several samples of different top of the line lubes so I'm good to go there, just send the man and the power!) No I haven't actually field tested it yet, but I'm about to head to bed and *ahem* do some research. (I'm not sure if this little beauty counts toward the MAXIMUM of 6 BOB's I'm allowed to own legally in the state of TEXAS... But if it does... Then I may be breaking the law now! Cool!)

Sunday came along too soon again. Still tired and sick. Work was short, thankfully, nap was nice when I got home. THEN it happened. K got home with the Little People. And when I saw them and that their HAIR WAS CUT I felt the veins start to bulge in my head, my eye balls were replaced with white hot flames and the skin on my head peeled back to reveal my ghasltly skull complete with horns. I was super pissed. Especially after seeing that my adorable blond curly haired baby with a fucking mullet!!! I did manage to make it look less repugnant, but I'm still super pissed that she has bangs and her hair is chin length now. Super Girl didn't fare much better as she has some shitty looking bangs and her hair tapered around her face and a shoulder length layered bob. No I'm not a happy camper about that. It's really a shame I don't take antidepressants anymore. But I'm trying to get to a HAPPY place on that, I mean after threatening many people's lives for this act of malice, I NEED a happy place. I don't have a gun after all, and I doubt Bubbles would talk Toast into bringing me a gun under the circumstances. Damn it.

OKAY, enough of my bitching, I'm off to bed for some 'research'.

Simply Fabulous!

This is a new reversible corset that was just completed.


I'm so in love with this fabric that I've considered marrying it... at the very least I'd have a long affair and share a bank account with it.


This side is lovely also, but I'm not as inclined to have a relationship with it.

One Reason I Might Need A Smack

For convincing my youngest that her eyebrows were coming off and needed to be stuck back on, then poking her in the forehead, which convinced her they were infact coming off and she had to dash off to the bathroom to check the status of her eyebrows. I'm a bad person.

Photos and Such

First, some random photos from the Ben's Half Yard gathering earlier this month.

Did someone say COCK?

Now, that's some codpiece.

Did someone say Tit...

mouse? It's a titmouse you perv!

Argh! Grabbin' me some Pirate booty!

He liked it.

Thank you very much! I'll do everything in my power to uphold the title.

Let's just hope they don't find out about those photos from my college days.

Stripped of my title already!

I guess I'll just go back to sealing hats!

I thought about posting a photo of the guy in the blue shirt who was hitting on me, but I decided not to. Go look at the rest of the photos here. I haven't added any titles to the photos yet.

Bowling For Dollars!

Cabbage Patch before the incident.

I think it took a full 3 minutes for that ball to get to the end of the lane.

Fashionable shoes!

I was truly sad to have to give them back.

Sewing Stuff

The Dress!

Absolutly fabulous!

Sable's Dress

So hot!

There are other photos on here of other sewing projects. o look! Speaking of sewing projects - I need to get back to work!

Posting Issues!

So, yeah.. I know I promised more posts and photos yesterday, and I fully intended to do that. But ya see... K got the new router up and running (so now all three computers can be online at the same time and we can im each other instead of actually talking to teach other!) and that was GREAT... except for some damn reason I could no longer get to my mail or get to Blogger! DAMN! Anyway after all day of cursing it and fiddling with it, he READ the instructions and figured out the instructions that were INCORRECT - I had access to my e-mail and blogger! Woohoo! And it was only 11:30 pm! So um.. yeah... I didn't post. But I TRIED to upload photos. And I didn't. It didn't work. Seems that the program I use (HELLO) won't work with my router for some fucked up reason, so I'll have post photos MANUALLY! Damnit. SOOOOOOO I've been uploading my photos to some albums on rensites and well that's not so simple either! Sigh. I'm challenged today. Anyway, I did manage to upload, but it's taken me for-fucking-ever so you'll just have to wait a bit longer for the photos.

I have much to tell though... the bowling party, the first day of school, the scary moment with the kid and best of all, the discovery of a religious icon.

I'll leave you to wonder for now. I'm off to the store.

Reports Of My Demise Are Greatly Exagerated!

I'm not dead people, just busy, so you can stop sending sympathy cards and flowers. Sheesh.

I'm happy to report that I did finish the DRESS and will post fabulous photos soon. Actually I'll post photos of some other projects that I've finished and haven't had a moment to post also. Not imediately, but today for sure. I've got several orders to work on. I'm excited about that!

Okay, now I will randomly respond to things:

Attention All Who Are Part Of The Anti-Pea Collition:

Peas are NOT bad! They are TASTY and a fine addition to mac 'n cheese. I do understand that they may infact actually be tiny green monster eggs, but what better way to rid the world of monster than to eat their eggs BEFORE they hatch (I mean isn't that why we eat the Jumbo Eggs? So they don't grow up to be Giant Chickens and over run the world).

I would suggest that all of you give peas a chance and stop trying to stand in the way of the peas project. I personally am working hard for peas and have joined the Peas Corps and the World Peas Project For Children (all kids should have peas!). Won't you give peas a chance and pray for peas?

Okay, I have to go for now. D gave me a lap top for my birthday and K is doing stuff to get the router working so EVERYONE can be on the computer at the same damn time. Woohoo!

Stay tuned! Photos to come! Ben's Photos! Sewing Photos! Cat Photos! (not really on the cat photos.)

Damn It! Damn It! Damn It!

I broke my sewing machine today. I've been trying to fix it but I think when I broke that last needle I truly fucked it up. Damn. I do have a back up but it's NOT working either. Double Damn!

I'm seriously having issues today. Today was the first day of school for Super Girl (she was happy), the bus was late picking her up, late dropping her off, brother called to let me know about what's going on with his suicidal wife (she's out of the psych ward and on drugs, he's worried and stressed)... Damn.

Lucky for me Whysper has kindly offered to bring me her old machine when she get's off work to finish up this project. Thank goodness for her.

Off to see what I can finish by hand and continue cursing this machine.

All We Are Saying, Is Give Peas A Chance!

Today when I took out a can of peas to add to Cabbage Patch's mac 'n cheese, I was informed that they could not be added to the food as they would make it "icky, slimy and a monster". Hmmm... I did not know that. Peas look so darn benign in their cute little can wrapped in silver paper, one would never suspect the 'icky, slimy monster' part. Nowhere on the lable is there a warning against adding them to cheesy pasta - that's a grevious oversight by the manufacturer. And now that I know, I thought it best to pass along this as a public service announcement. Stay safe, don't add peas to your mac 'n cheese!

Copping Out On A Post


Exotic Dancer!


What was your job in a past life? (LOTS of results & Anime Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And I thought it would say HO!

Disney Pipe Dreams

Because I birthed the Tiny Terrorists house cleaning is a constant chore but a temporary state of being. What I mean is that if the little blighter are awake they are making MESSES. Tiny Terrorists = mess. What also goes along with my progeny is the 300 + Disney movies in our possession. Due to the constant drone of some wretched Disney drivel, I sometimes go to bed drunk from a Disney Bender, as In I've watched 12 straight hours of Disney crap and now even with the television off and my eyes closed I can still hear theme songs and frilly Disney princesses dancing with friendly helpful talking animals. This causes me to fall under a false sense of reality and to believe that while I sleep my home will be invaded by helpfulfriendly and cuddly animals who will cheerfully clean my home just to see my absolute joy in the morning when I wake to my life of drugery and servitude. Well let me assure you that it never fucking happens. I wake to a living room as overrun with toys and crap as it was when I fell exhausted into bed. I glare at my cats and gerbils as I step over crap on my way to the kitchen to dig out the coffee maker and mumble to them if that if I hear any singing or dancing coming from them I'd drag them off to the pound that very moment. Damn those Disney Princesses and their happy helpful pets for giving me false hope.

SATURDAY!!

WOW what a great day so far. I went a different way to work today and that was really great because that particular route takes me right by a drive through Starbucks and since I have a new Starbucks card that I got for my birthday (thanks Mike!) I just HAD to get the 'Mucho-Grande'-Latte'-Cum-Laude-With-Virgin-Milk'*! Woohoo! I'm totally caffinated! That's a lot of coffee. Damn I gotta get that more often!

Okay, back to work now.

*Venti Carmel Frappichino!

Cutest Dog In The World



If you don't think Coco is the cutest dog in the world, then you are just evil and I hope your testes/ovaries spontaneously erupt in a into a white hot blaze leaving you scared and emotionally destitute for the rest of your natural born life. heh... Not really. She is terribly cute though, and I generally don't like dogs all that much. Yesterday D brought her over to entertain the Tiny Terrorists for a few moments while she delivered my birthday present. The Tiny Terrorists were indeed entertained when they saw Coco. They even stopped dictating their manifesto and put down their homemade explosive devices (I think it's important that a child do arts and crafts regularly), to squeal with delight and paw at Coco's thick soft coat.

Well I'm back to my sewing.

I Had My Cake... And I Ate It Too!



Nummy cake. So far the Birthday is going well. Lovely day. Thanks for the pressies.
Thanks to:

Bethany, Deb, Heidi, Tony, Crystal, Dixie, Dora, Drew, Shanna, Laurie, Wynde, Cindi, Tony, Shannon, Amy, Tom, John, Heather, Paul, Teana, Justin, Cynthia, AJ, Mike

For the kind birthday wishes. I think I like that most, just to be remembered - don't get me wrong, the pressies rock too! ;o)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEE!!!


It's my birthday. I decided to sleep in today, reasoning "It's my freaking birthday!" Super Girl came into my room a little before 8am and wished me a Happy Birthday and insisted on making me breakfast. 5 minutes later she returned with a tray with two pieces of toast (only one buttered), half of a glass of milk, a birthday card from K and the Birthday Girl button on it. So far, it's a good day, I've had breakfast and I'm wearing the BUTTON.

I'm thinking lunch will be a box of Ho Ho's and a bottle of Boone's Farm and dinner will probably just be a couple of bottles of Boone's. Woohoo! It's my BIRTHDAY!

I need this shirt and this.

A Little Something Extra With My Coffee

So my kid says to me 'What's tomorrow?', I say Thursday, she says 'Wow, thats your birthday!' I say 'Yes." She says 'How old will you be?', I say '34' she says 'Wow! That's a lot! You're going to be OLD!' Yes, thank you very much child I bore.

Somehow I get the feeling my mother is laughing. Happy Birthday to me.

Because It Makes Me Laugh
(stolen from FatChickie's blog)

HELL LEVEL 3 Raw score: 95%

There's a special place in Hell for you: the basement penthouse. You scored the nastiest possible on the Sexual Hell Test. You have no sexual restraint whatsoever. You'll take pleasure however you can get it, and my guess is you get it a lot. If for some reason you don't right now, you will soon, as people in your category only tend to spiral down ever deeper into the abyss of carnality and delicious sin. Congratulations. I, personally, think that this category is the best. Paradoxically enough, sexual liberation and indulgence can only bring you closer to purity and honesty. AVOID: all but level 3 hellions like yourself. You wouldn't want to ruin anyone, now would you?

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 94% on hellish

Link: The Sexual HELL Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid

My goodness.

What kind of God are you?
Name
DOB
Favourite Color
You earthly time was spent	"Laying" with the sons and/or daughters of men for hours... and days... and weeks...
Your throne is	A towering onyx chair, reflecting perpetual moonlight, adorned with the skulls of the vanquished
You wear	A humble tunic and robes, belying your inestimable supernatural powers just waiting to shatter the woes of Creation
Your Godly superpower is	Rivers of white-hot magma flowing from your eyes, slowly and mercilessly agonizing those who stand in your way and your fallen playthings. Forever.
This Quiz by pelagicboreas - Taken 64536 Times.

New! Get Free Daily Horoscopes from Kwiz.Biz

Sweeeeeet.

Luau Photo!



Another great photo taken by Lerxst! I took photos of the Luau but not that many so I'm not going to post them.

Tuesday Treasures


Shit, I need Valium for today. It's been a day of extremes. My ticket is PAID for! Woohoo! I have tried to get ahold of my mechanic to discuss an issue with my car 5 times and now I believe it's to late to call the garage. Booooooo. I got to see D today. Woohoo! This morning I got a call from my brother that his wife tried to commit suicide this morning. Boooooo. I have the most amazing BOB in the whole world!! Woohooo!! Chaos of Chaos and Destruction tore a hole in my leather cow and emptied it's contents on the floor. Grrrrr... School stars in just under a week!! Woohoo! My toilet overflowed TWICE today. FUCK! I may already be a winner! YEAH! I've still got a lot to finish for Friday and there never seems to be any helpful Disney animals in my neighborhood. Awww... I've go tthe most AMAZING BOB in the whole world! YEAH!!!

See? It's not all bad, it's not all good, it's just my life. Off to look for the prize in the cereal! I wonder if it could be antidepressants?

Nothing To See Here

I just thought I should make a public apology to all of you (3) who read this gawd-forsaken site on a regular basis (fuck, you have a boring and desperate life don't you?). Today will be yet another boring day to not read about. I'll be busy, busy, busy buried in fabric and sewing supplies. My deadline looms like a hungry vulture and I'm that road kill baking in the sun. Heh.. That was pure poetry.

Anyway, nothing has been happening here, as I've mesmerized my offspring with DVD's and high sugar snacks. They sit unmoving on the sofa softly murmuring along to the Disney songs spewing forth from the beloved television as I sew contentedly. Okay, that's utter bullshit, anyone who knows my progeny knows that they can't possibly sit still for more than 15 minutes at a time (can be say ADD?) and the addition of SUGAR only makes their gnat like attention span that much smaller. ANYWAY, I digress (as usual), nothing has happened here worth writing about... Okay, that's a lie... This was particularly funny...

ART WORK
Yesterday in my unsuccessful attempt to occupy my progeny's time so that I could sew uninterrupted, I pulled out the $.49 water colors and paper. About the time they wanted to paint, I realized what a BAD idea this was as far as giving myself time to sew as there's no way in hell I could leave them unattended for more than 30 seconds with cups of water and PAINT. What was I thinking? So I sat and watched as they both churned out many splotchy pieces of paper. Super Girl got up at one point with three pictures and announced "I have finished my masterpiece." in a very dramatic tone and quite fake accent. I smirked and asked how she did the picture (meaning - what the hell is it). She launched in to this explanation of how she worked with this color first and then went to the next color and how it worked together and yadda, yadda, yadda. I half way expected her to launch into some esoteric explanation of how the colors moved her and how the painting represented mans eternal struggle to be perfect or some other bullshit like that. And to top it off she did this all in her FAKE accent. I covered my mouth to hide my smirk and make myself appear interested. Man I wish I'd had that on video!

Okay, that's all... Move along now, nothing to see here.

My Age

Just because I'm turning 34 on THURSDAY, I took this test:

You Are 25 Years Old

25 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

hehehe... I guess this means I act immature! Sweeeeet.

Selective Hearing

According to THIS article men aren't just ignoring us, they actually have trouble hearing us. Okay I supose that gives them a bit of a break, but it really doesn't explain why we have to ask them 10 times to take out the trash but we only have to say "You want a beer?" once. Men.

Luau Day!

Woohoo! Today is Lerxst Luau Party! I'm so excited. Another PARTY!

I'm not sure who I'm riding with, I need to get with Whysper to borrow some CLOTHES because I'm seriously pathetic as far as having anything cool to wear. The Wife is going to come by to pick up her dress also, so I'm not sure who I'll ride with, seems pointless to take my car since there will be plenty of people going past me to get to the party.

I still haven't decided what to bring to the party, it very well may end up being a bottle of coke and a bag of cheesy puffs.

I'll be taking my camera as usual so there will be plenty of fun photos to come.

On to other things...

K has a very good lead on a job, so keep your fingers crossed/knock on wood/say a prayer/light some candles/do a voodoo chant/etc. that he get's it. It's something he would really love to do and for a company he's been doing some temp work for and absolutely loves.

Next week will be a super busy week for me as far as sewing etc. Don't be ALARMED if there aren't my usually 500 pointless posts here for your reading pleasure, I'm just busy (and no I haven't gotten that SUPER BOB, so it's just WORK).

Okay, I'm off to find some kind of food stuff for lunch!

PS... just an FYI... my birthday is NEXT WEEK! In a mere 5 days I will be 34! So mark your calendars, THURSDAY, August 11th is my BIRTHDAY. heh...

IKEA Lunch


Last night I joined the masses and went to IKEA, and like the masses I fell passionately in love with IKEA. DAMN IT! That place ROCKS!

I've even indoctrinated my offspring to LOVING IKEA. I bought a set (4) of bowls, a set of cups and a bag of utensils (4 place settings) for them and they now want EVERYTHING served in the IKEA stuff. heh.

Having been to IKEA, I now want to redo my place completely in IKEA. I'd have to rob a bank to do that, but I still want it.

Lurking In My Garden

These two huge dragon flies were in my garden the other day and amazingly they weren't all that freaked out by me getting so close to them. (I don't have a zoom on my camera so I had to get just inches from them) I must have taken a dozen photos of them before I got bored and went back inside.

Dragon Fly


Other Dragon Fly

Mission Acomplished


I started and finished this today. Rock on me.

Silver Lining

Yesterday the Tiny Terrorists truly lived up to their names of Chaos and Destruction. Suffice to say that EVERY FREAKING WAKING moment of theirs was sheer terror. I spent so much time telling them no, reffereeing fights and discovering and thwarting their evil plots that I didn't get JACK done. It was frustrating and I'm completly out of antipsychotics.

The final straw was the brand new 7 lb container of cat litter being dumped on their bedroom floor - I can only assume they wanted that sandy beach feel in their, no matter Chaos and Destruction finally pushed my buttons once too often. I decreed that ALL the toys would go and sent one off to get enough trash bags to hold all their toys in their room and the other to get the broom and dust pan so I could clean up all the damn cat litter. Yes I really am going to get rid of all their toys. They will only have a few selected stuffed animals, their dress up clothes and their books. More than enough.

My sister made the generous and brave offer to take the Little People (yes little people today, apparently they used up all their terrorist energies yesterday and will be normal offspring for today. Damn my luck.) for today so I can get some things done. YAY! That's better than a Grande Caramel Frappichino with whiped cream! It's probably a good thing they will be with their Aunt today, I'm sure after all their evil terrorist activities yesterday the FBI is probably on the way over to investigate the Tiny Terror Threat. The Tiny Terrorist Threat Level has been lowered from Orange to Yellow, so things are cool, I'll just make some coffee for the FBI when they get here, we'll talk about evil kids and things will be good... or they'll drag me off to Gitmo for an extended vacation... which might not be so bad. Eh, either way I get the day off! Woohoo! Bring on the booze and cheap men! hmmm.. scratch that... cheap booze and hot men!

Must go, just 30 minutes to get them ready to go, must check their terrorist manifestos for the day.

Toothpaste


Recently I had to buy some new toothpaste. Now before I get into this toothpaste story, let me tell about how the week before I went to the store and bought this particular toothpaste and put it in my bathroom. That night when I went to brush my teeth with the toothpaste, it had vanished. No signs of the toothpaste at all. There was toothpast on the floor but it was from the remains of the Aquafresh tubes that were nearly empty - but the NEW toothpaste was GONE. I have YET to find it. The next week I went to purchase toothpaste AGAIN.

Okay... I'm really picky about toothpaste. Growing up we always used the horrible tasting Colegate. But since I wasn't the one BUYING the toothpaste, I suffered with their choice.. and yes it was suffering, at the height of my obsessiveness I would brush my teeth at least 4 times a day sometimes more and I had at least 20 toothbrushes (all yellow) - eventually I threw them all away when I read an article about how they harbor bacteria and should be replaced every month, so now... I have a new one every month. Anyway when I got older and responsible for my own purchases, I bought Aquafresh and I've used it ever since. Early on in our relationship K bought some non-Aquafresh crap and I wouldn't use it.

ANYWAY, on a whim I got this other brand of toothpaste - actually they were out of Aquafresh and this stuff was $1.48 so I figured if I HATED it (which I figured I would), the kids could use it. I tried it and LIKED it. K doesn't like it though. I highly recommend the Cinnamint and am planning to buy some Gingermint also. mmmm... Buy this toothpaste! you will lov eit!!!

ON TO OTHER THINGS!

My legal issues seem to be working out at the moment. All total for the ticket I got this past weekend it will cost $480!!! Mutha fuck! Lucky for me a dear friend has a boyfriend with a Fat wallet and a big dick and she's going to share some of that with me... the fat wallet that is, not the big dick, I can find my own Big Dick. I'll owe her a BIG ASS favor, but I appreciate that she loves me enough to keep my ass out of jail.

And now.. I'm off to finish my sewing.

Toy Party

(not sure why part of it's PINK in the photo, the pen was BLUE with no sparkles or anything)

After my brief consideration to stay home, sit on the couch watching movies and eating the huge 4 part cake torte thing, I did infact go. Whysper and I showed up a little after 7 pm which was infact late, but it didn't matter as the presenter was LATE. It's okay, I brought cake.

There was a BUNCH of people there, which rocked. We all stood around and talked while we waited for the presenter to get there. We did introductions which was quite entertaining and reminicent of a school function... except my school functions didn't include people talking about their drink preference... oh wait.. yes it did!

Anyway, eventually the presenter showed up, set up and started talking TOYS. This was HILARIOUS! And that might have just been all that funny to ME because Denise was sitting right next to me making comments (it was her, not me, her).

Things finally wrapped up about 11:30 pm and Whysper and I went to hang out with other people and stay up way to late. And I took the rest of my CAKE!

Paella


I made that last night and it was wonderful. Super girl ate two servings of it! Cabbage Patch made faces and played with the muscle shells. I liked it.

You Might Be A Nazi If...

I just took this test, it made me laugh.

The Expatriate Achtung! You are 38% brainwashworthy, 27% antitolerant, and 33% blindly patriotic

Congratulations! You are not susceptible to brainwashing, your values and cares extend beyond the borders of your own country, and your Blind Patriotism ("patriotism" for short) does not reach unhealthy levels. In Germany in the 30s, you would've left the country. One bad scenario -- as I hypothetically project you back in time -- is that you just wouldn't have cared one way or the other about Nazism. Maybe politics don't interest you enough. But the fact that you took this test means they probably do. I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt. Did you know that many of the smartest Germans departed prior to the beginning of World War II, because they knew some evil shit was brewing? Brain Drain. Many of them were scientists. It is very possible you could be one of them, depending on your age. Conclusion: Born and raised in Germany in the early 1930's, you would not have been a Nazi.

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 59% on brainwashworthy You scored higher than 51% on antitolerant You scored higher than 75% on patriotic

Link: The Would You Have Been a Nazi Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid

And this is funny to me also...

the Ham (39% dark, 47% spontaneous, 27% vulgar)

your humor style: CLEAN | SPONTANEOUS | LIGHT Your style's mostly goofy, innocent and feel-good. Perfect for parties and for the dads who chaperone them. You can actually get away with corny jokes, and I bet your sense of humor is a guilty pleasure for your friends. People of your type are often the most approachable and popular people in their circle. Your simple & silly good-naturedness is immediately recognizable, and it sets you apart in this sarcastic world. PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Will Ferrell - Will Smith

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 20% on dark You scored higher than 60% on spontaneous You scored higher than 60% on vulgar

Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid

hehehe.... me a ham... and I'm a Jew.

Starbucks & Krispe Kream Needed STAT!!

Dear GAWD I'm surprised I'm awake right now. AFTER everything SUCKED yesterday and I went home to cry some more, I considered ditching my previously scheduled parties and just staying home to sit on the couch and eat the 4 part torte cake thing I bought to bring to the party. K would have nothing of that so I left a message for Whysper to see if I could bum a ride from her to the toy party - I mean fuck I didn't want to drive again!

Well... There's more to the story... but I have to get back to WORK now - anyway, 5:30 am bed time is an ass kicker!

Sucking Saturday

Today sucks. I should be working but I'm fighting the urge to just go the fuck home and crawl under the covers until sometime next week. I'm sure you are wondering why it sucks so much... Let me tell you... I gained 2 freaking pounds this week! I do realize it could just be water retention from the pizza but I suspect it's just FAT retention from the ice cream and cake this week. I know you are thinking 'that's not enough to say the day sucks from!' well yeah actually it us, but let me go on. A special friend moves AWAY today and that sucks. Again you are probably saying 'Oh come on, that's not so bad.' And you are sort of right, but still it does suck, even though there will be visits and all, I'd rather him still live 20 minutes from me. BUT WAIT, there's more! I got a ticket this morning. Yeah a ticket. I finished up paying off someone's mortgage up at Plano PD with the other one just a few months ago and NOW I'm priveledged to get to do it again, this time for Frisco! Woohoo. Mutha fuck! And ya know what sucks even more? I started to cry when I got pulled over! I NEVER EVER cry in front of people, and especially not for a ticket. (hell I'm crying now!) I'm so on the edge today and I'm totally emotional. A TICKET was not the thing I needed right now, I've got enough stress going on. So, come on people, cut me some slack right now - if any of you have the urge to send me a nasty e-mail - DON'T, I've had enough and I didn't deserve that one anyway, if you are pissed at me, well save it for later, if it's important enough it will keep until later, if I owe you money, I'm sorry, it's not happening right now, if you owe me money, just pay up or at least buy me a frappichino and a box of Kleenex. I'm not asking for much, just come on, don't kick me now that I'm down, I've had enough, really. I need my friends right now, not people trying to make my life worse (you know who you are), I need people who love me and are willing to be on my visiting list for when I probably end up in the Frisco jail.

Well I better go back to work... Or go sit in the restroom and cry for the next 45 minutes and hope for pity sales or something.

Ice Cream Coma Birthday

Tonight we celebrated Cabbage Patch's birthday at Ben & Jerry's. The day before her birthday I got a call from B&J saying I won a Vermonster - which is a 20 ice cream scoop sundae, so I decided to use it for her birthday. We invited some family (K's brother and sister-in-law and their son) and some friends (B, K's boyfriend and Whysper). There were 8 of us and we could have used a couple more people to help with the ice cream.

Vermonster

This is how it starts, all the ice cream and stuff in the BUCKET-O-FUN.

Eyes

My eyes, as photographed by my 4 year old.

Two Redheads

Me and Whysper after GORGING on Ben & Jerry's.

The FatChickie had the BEST thing to say though:
thefatchickie : dude,..... Never try to handle two men at once... That goes for Ben and Jerry!
thefatchickie : LOL I had to learn it the hard way
thefatchickie : one man at a time

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Man, words of wisdom! Shit I think I may die from ice cream overload... But I'll be HAPPY!!

Club Night

Saturday night I went out with some of my posse to the club. My posse. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I've always wanted to say that. So ANYWAY, after work on Saturday I took a long nap so I could stay out late with the girls. When I woke I immediately started to PANIC about what the fuck I was going to wear! I am SUCH a mom, I don't have JACK SHIT that's HOT and HIP enough to be considered CLUB WEAR. But I was determined to go out and get my freak on... Or whatever. So I called in K for the GAY opinion. I completely disregarded it when the outfit he favored was the tight one that showed off all my lumps and bulges. Yeah, hot and sexy - NOT! So in absolute desperation I opted for the outfit that I had worn to work - can you get ANY more pathetic that THAT?? I think not.

Whysper picked me up a bit after 10 and we headed out to meet up with FatChickie and Dora. GothK decided to join us at the club which kind of surprised me because I had heard from FatChickie and Dora that the club was Hip-Hop/RB on Saturdays and I just didn't think she would be cool to that. I wasn't all to sure I'd be cool to that myself, I'm not all that into hip-hop, but I was willing to check it out, and in the end my inner ghetto enjoyed the hell out of it.

The club was pretty full when we got there, lots of fine men to bump into. Also lots of manly women in the club. But most importantly, LOTS of fine men.

I won't bore you with all the details, just hit the high lights:

I wasn't dressed NEARLY slutty enough, but that did not mean I didn't get hit on.

Early on it was discovered that my retainer GLOWS in the black light. Yeah, that was just fucked up. I had the WHITEST GLOWING smile, it was truly FREAK FACTOR there.

GothK cracked me the fuck up because one of the bouncer guys kept hitting on her (she did look good though) . At one point we were sitting at the table and he says to her "So do you want to know my name?" She said "No not really, but you can tell me if you want to." ohhhhhh... Shot down!

FatChickie kept buying us drinks - gotta love that! Having 4 Orgasms back to back with your girl friends ROCKS!

Some hot mutha fucker kept rubbing up against me most of the night. Damn I hope he had a license for that thing, because he was packin!

There was this one white boy at the club that looked like he got lost on the way to his Amway convention. He was a cute stock broker looking guy in his white shirt and tie, but he looked out of place. One time at the bar, FatChickie said "I'll give you a dollar if you go talk to him." I laughed she upped it to $1.50, then $2 and $3 and finally a shot (now she was talking) so I walked over and introduced myself like she suggested. About the time I was playfully tugging at his tie and teasing him about being out of place, FatChickie dragged me back to the bar laughing saying she didn't think I would do it! When I told her what I told him, I was chastised and told that I WAS supposed to tell him that my friend had dared me to talk to him for a shot. THEN she WENT OVER TO THIS MAN AND CRUSHED HIS EGO BY TELLING HIM THAT!! Drunk women!

I picked up some hot, hot, hot soccer player who was trying to impress us with his soccer prowess. He was doing really well when he was all "Here feel my leg" and letting me touch his hot body, but when he started actually TALKING, well he was a real ASS HAT. Whatever! I turned away from him and left him to talk to FatChickie and hit on her. She finally sent me back over to him, with the warning that he was a JACKASS. I went back and he told me that he'd like to fuck me but didn't want to go way up to my place, to which I replied "That's okay, I don't want you at my place." End of the line for you dude, gonna have to go home and jack off. Sorry 'bout your luck.

At the end of the night when the lights came up, some fine Sean Puffy Combs look alike was asking for my number. When he asked where I 'stay' and I told him NORTH City, he was all "North City?? Way up there?" and I told him "Oh, I'm worth the drive." He got my number, but he hasn't called. hehehe... Like he WOULD!

We stopped off at Jack In The Box after as GothK would not agree to go to Krispe Kream. Damn it. If I hadn't decided that I was her bitch now, I'd have been pissed. (kidding about the bitch part)

Anyway, I got home at 3:30 am. It was fun, must do it again.

STICK ART!


Because I KNOW you all have missed STICK ART, here is a self portrait. Looks like me doesn't it? Yeah. Now BRING ME STARBUCKS DAMN IT!!! Oh, sorry.... I get all twitchy when the caffeine runs low... off to make coffee!

Good Friends Can Call Each Other Fuckers

The best conversation today:

Him: I was just calling to say sorry that I hadn't called earlier to let you know we can't make it to the party tonight.
Me: That's okay, your wife already called and covered your ass. But now you owe me a beer you fucker!
Him: *laughing*
Me: I didn't say that to your wife. I didn't call her a fucker.
Him: *laughing* *laughing* That's good!
Me: But it would have been funny to hear her drop the phone.

Yeah I'm wrong in the head. Yes he owes me a drink. Yes he is a fucker - in fact I instructed him to hit it with his wife right now and get her pregnant with #2 before his 3 year old turns totally evil and makes them reconsider having another one. Which lead to:

Him: Well I can't right now, I've got to work.
Me: Oh come on! On your lunch break. Three minutes.
Him: *laughs* Yeah that's for me, not her.
Me: So call her and tell her to be ready when you get there.
Him: Believe me if it was that easy I'd be on my cell phone every day on the way home.
Me: It would for me! I'd be slapping a tape in the VCR every day when he got home. 'Here kids, watch this, mommy will be RIGHT BACK! Have a popsicle."
Me: But yeah, I got a gay husband. That's not happening. It's a big cosmic joke on me isn't it?
Him: Yes it is. *laughing*

And people wonder why I'm shareing a bed with BOB and no one esle. Well I need to go make a voodoo doll of him, fucker... and I only mean that in the most loving of ways.

Inappropriate Laughter

Over inappropriate content. Go watch, much funny. Thanks Edana, I laughed my left boob off (gawd damn it! I can't afford to lose that, where is the stapler???).

Things To Ponder

How does one tell if the yogurt is bad? I mean other than if it has fuzz growing on it. Even 'Fresh' yogurt has an odd smell and a odd taste. My inability to tell or to discern if it actually tasted off or was just my imaginination resulted in me having toast and grapes for breakfast instead of yogurt and grapes.

If a lesbian is a woman who likes having sex with women and I like having sex with myself (albeit with BOB's help) and I'm a woman does that make me a lesbian or a narcisistic? Should I change my dateing profile?

So is it brave or stupidly desperate of a man to e-mail me after almost 2 years when our last *ahem* meeting ended with him 'reaching the finish line' well before he reached the starting positon, and for him to admit his failure to contact me was due to his debilitating embarasment of his rather 'quick trigger'? I'm considering e-mailing him back with information on 'premature ejaculation' and the name of a good therapist to help him with his embarassment or just DELETING the message, rolling my eyes up in my head and blogging about what a sad little man he is. Oh.. wait, I just did that didn't I??

Do I really need to be RESCUED from dusting? I just saw an old Pledge commercial where they promise to 'rescue' me from dusting. Hmmm.. *looking around* looks like that's not a problem here.

Why doesn't Starbucks deliver?? Damn my sad existance!

WHY???

Tooth Fairy's Coffee Connections

Dear Ms. Fairy;

You ROCK! I'm so going to get myself a frappichino tonight!

Thank you for feeding my addiction, I am forever greatful.

This totally made my day.

Big hugs and kisses;

Judy

Cryptic Message Confuse Many

Yesterday my message on messenger said something about David Hasselhoff, this confused many people. Let me explain, yesterday The Wife and I were laughing about a time we were watching reruns of Knight Rider. Hence the message... besides... he's very popular in Germany.

The Tooth Fairy Delivers (To Somepeople That Is)

Right before bed I typed up a reply from the Tooth Fairy:

7/26/2005
Dearest Super Girl;

Please accept these two shiny coins in exchange for your precious tooth!

Take good care of your teeth and brush them well!

Watch your mail for a Fairy letter.

Much Love,

Tooth Fairy

Much to my chagrin I only had dimes in my coin purse, not quarters as I had thought, so my darling child only got $.20 for her loss (aren't you glad I'm not your mamma). I left the envelope addressed to her right where she'd find it and headed to bed.

BRIGHT and early, Super Girl burst into my room saying "Mamma! Mamma! She left me two shiny coins!" Then like the sweet child she can be she said "Did she bring you a Starbucks card?" Nope, that did not happen. Oh well.

Letters From The Edge

Last night Super Girl lost a tooth right before bed, we just finished writing a letter to the Tooth Fairy. I know, it's amazing that I'm doing this in a TIMELY manner this time.

July 25, 2005

Dearest Tooth Fairy in Tooth Fairy Land;

I would like to inform you of the loss of my most recent tooth. As you can clearly see I have taken very good care of this baby tooth (you can thank my mother for making certain that I brush on a regular schedule – even when my tooth was wiggly).

In exchange for my sparkling tooth (I had just finished brushing when my dearest mother yanked the wiggly beast from my gaping maw) I am requesting a gift card to Starbucks… no kidding, mom wrote that, I would like a couple of shiny coins and a Starbucks gift card (again mother said that). But a lovely card in the mail from a REAL FAIRY would be lovely and most appreciated.

Warmest regards and much affection;



Super Girl (your biggest fan)

PS – Any idea when the fairy eggs might hatch?

What? What's wrong with asking for a Starbucks card? I'm just being practical!

Professional Discourteousness

Why is it that some people feel that they can be rude to those they feel have menial jobs? This is something I run into occasionally. Case in point, yesterday I walked into a room to do photos of the couple's newest bundle of joy. In the room were visitors, two couples, one with their two rambunctious boys and one with out children (more on the moronic visitors later). As I set up I could hear one of the women in the room talking to the mother about how these baby photos are just so awful and the mother agreed and said something about how you still just have to get them just because. Now firstly, I absolutely hate when people say that. I have been a baby photographer for 4 years and I take care to take good photos (even of the ugly babies). Secondly, how can you be sure something is 'BAD' until you actually see it? When I actually started taking the photos the other idiot woman.... I mean visitor had to stand at the end of my cart and make annoying noises at the baby thereby distracting the baby and making it harder for me to get a good photo - but I did get a good photo. Also she had BAD breath and since she was standing so close, I got assaulted by her halitosis. ICK. Fuck she needed a Tic-Tac and to back the fuck away. When I got finished with the photos and showed them to EVERYONE, I (mentally) punched the fuck out of Mrs. Bad Breath as she GASPED and said "Oh! Those are really good!" I looked right at her, giving her the politest "Go Fuck Your Self!" look and said "Of course they are, I'm a professional photographer." She slunk away and hid in the corner as I finished the transaction with the parents (who for some jacked up reason were also in a state of shock at how the photos were so GOOD).

The moronic visitors did something that made me want to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. They were basically using this baby as a prop for their photos! Mrs. Moron was holding the baby for Mr. Moron to take a photo, then she had her kids come sit with her while she held the baby, then Mrs. Halitosis and Mr. This-Is-A-Good-Place-For-A-Stick-Up, then all fo them, then the parents, etc., etc., etc. I hated them all and I didn't even know them. I felt the urge to give the Moron Children a number for some kind of support group because I'm sure they will need it at some point, but I refrained as the sale wasn't THAT good. Then I left while mutter ancient voodoo curses in my head.

Another dad chapped my ass enough to make me want to leave and say fuck it to the sale. Lucky for him, he realized it and got nice really quick. He was bitching about all the information I was getting from him (we mail the photos, so it's necessary to get mailing address and name, duh) and complaining about how many companies put you on mailing lists, blah, blah, blah, as he complained about the info I was asking for. I cut him off with a curt "Well this is my job ya know." Before I could add "If you don't want to give me the information, you don't have to get the photos done. Have a nice day.", he looked shocked and embarrassed then patted me on the shoulder and blurted out some kind of apology and babbled on about how sad that society has come to this where we have to be so paranoid about the information we give out. Whatever dude, you signed at least 20 different consent forms at the hospital giving permission for your information to be given out, I'm the LEAST of your worries... And yes he did sign a consent and set up an appointment for me to be in the room.

Okay enough bitching about work, it was a really good weekend and there is more to tell. A tragic and sad story about someone I ran into this weekend and my trip to the club - that ROCKED!!!

And Now For Something Different...


In the event you are tired of hearing aobut ME, ME, ME! Go to Amy's Diary, you'll laugh, you'll cry, you... well you should enjoy it (it's funny).

Better yet, go watch the bunnies.

Make Room In the Parthenon! There's A NEW Goddess In Town!

Today has been all about JUDY DAY. I've had no less than 7 separate men either e-mailing or message me to hit on me today (not it wasn't all generated by that one photo).

This is my favorite e-mail:

hi what can i do.....................? what can i say..............? when i saw your magical angel face & diamond eyes .................i feel to fly ..............over the sky ................can i have your honor to fly at your sky nice lady...............

Foreign guys can come up with the BEST lines!

My favorite comment today:
Damn you got a geek goddess look. Damn your a hottie.

That's me, a Geek Goddess just waiting to be worshipped.

Yeah, I'm a little full of myself right now. It's okay, Karma has already set in motion to make certain that my head doesn't get any larger - I've got a giant ZIT coming up right in the middle of my forehead. The North Star!

Dear A,

Go to other blog, have writen stuff.

Hugs

J

Simply irresistible


The above photo prompted a man to send me an e-mail complimenting my breasts and expounding on his intents were I to be so taken by his sparkling personally and intelligence that shown through so very well in his written word. I'll copy and paste the aforementioned prose in a bit.

The photo above is probably one of my favorites (taken by Lerxst) because it's FUCKING FABULOUS! Thank the heavens above for a good bodice laced tight enough to GIVE ME GOOD BOOBAGE! I don't REALLY look like THAT. Check below for what I REALLY look like.

Dork

On any given day, the above DORK photo is what I will look like (probably even in that shirt). The boobs are well, not quiet so impressive. It's okay, it's fine... Occasionally I have the thought that it would be fantastic to wear a bodice ALL the time and look THAT good, but then reality strikes. It would be very good for dieting as it's almost impossible to eat more than 3 bites when laced up really well. Impractical for most things. It would be bothersome to have strangers in the grocery store offering to lick samples off my boobs and might even frighten my children. It might give me an advantage if stopped for speeding, but is somewhat uncomfortable to drive in. So a Dork I shall remain for everyday life and save the bodice enhanced breasts for special times.

So... Back to my fan mail. It arrived with the subject 'love those booooobss!!!' and went on to say:
you can have those delicious looking breast licked nad sucked until they sweel in my mouth along with your clitty getting licked and sucked until you cream and cummm all down my throat mommie!!!,,then you can get my thick fat hard strong 7 inch brownsuga dick to wlr your pink poopop ccocohie walls nice nad sloww as we make sweet romantic luvin...

As you can read, he's obviously an intellect with impeccable grammar and spelling. Only a truly creative mind could come up with "you can get my thick fat hard strong 7 inch brownsuga dick to wlr your pink poopop ccocohie walls nice nad sloww". Unfortunately I'm not entirely sure what he's planning to do with my "pink poopop ccocohie walls nice nad sloww" as I don't have a reference for "wlr" and have no clue what it could mean and how it could have anything to do with making "sweet romantic luvin". (to be honest he kind of lost me on the 'romantic luvin' when he called me 'mommie' and mentioned 'wlr'ing my 'pink poopop ccocohie walls' - none of the walls in my home are pink!)

I considered writing him back:

Dear Sir;

I'm deeply touched by your communication, I truly mean that, deeply touched... And not in a good way. Your confusing and badly spelled attempt at an erotic message has troubled me and disturbed me enough to need extra anti-psychotic medication. First off calling me 'mommie' is troubling, I find men who want to 'play baby' a turn off. Secondly your "thick fat hard strong 7 inch brownsuga dick", just won't do as I only consume Splenda, no sugar for me. Next what is 'wlr'? Is it legal? Would it hurt? Does it require tools? And why do you want to do it to my walls? Which I must add none of my walls are 'pink poopop ccocohie', I don't think I've ever even seen that color. And why do you want to mess with the walls in my home while you 'make sweet romantic luvin'? Please explain.

Judy

I would send that... But I'm quite certain that the sarcasm would be lost on my intellectually gifted and creative fan.

*Update*

Apparently that photo only attracts men who have difficulty with grammar and spelling, I just received yet another piece of fan mail and it was woefully misspelled and painfully badly written. The crime of stupidity is one I simply can not forgive. Bitchy? Why yes I am.

*Later Update*

The count is up to THREE now. This time he's ARTICULATE and can SPELL.

What the hell is up today? Am I MAN NIP today? *thinks to self 'I better go knock on the door of Mansicle Neighbor and hope his wife isn't home!'

*Much Later Update*

The best line in a message so far: very nice smile and yes very nice rack. I'm sorry just have to give credit, ya know. Yeah, I'm totally eating it up. I must thank Lerxst for taking the extremely RARE and AMAZING photo of me looking so damn HOT.

Dear Gawd! I'm Such A 'Tard!

I've been panicking for the past 20 minutes because my iron which I had dropped on the floor right before plugging in was NOT getting hot. After all this time of thinking I BROKE it, I finally checked the cord... which... wasn't plugged in. Apparently I had plugged in the PENCIL SHARPENER. Doh!

Renewed False Hope

So in my effort to bolster my mood and I did as I stated yesterday and I've read my horoscope. As I want to make sure that all my bases are covered, I've consulted several online horoscopes for second, third, fourth, fifth, etc. opinions. Read below.

Leo

Daily extended (by Astrology.com)
You've got a lot to look forward to, especially now. Business looks good, your relationships with your coworkers couldn't be any better, and you're about to find a way to make a pleasurable hobby turn into cash -- cash you didn't feel like you were working to earn. In short, life is good and getting better, and you have no complaints. How about sharing all those good feelings with someone who deserves them just as richly?
(business? you mean my SEWING or my photography? Hobby... now that's where I'm confused, I can't think of any of my hobbies that anyone would WANT to pay me for... 'cept maybe that one that involves BOB... hmmm... I'll get back to you on that one.)

Now here's from TheFutureMinds.com

Here is your forecast for Wednesday Jul 20, 2005.

Personal forecast
Deep satisfaction comes from knowing what you want and persevering until the goal is achieved. Your power is more accessible now, and through its proper application, a favorable outcome occurs. While sometimes you manipulate a situation to get the result you desire, you also can attain it through willpower. Stronger than usual, you show resolve. Use this time to revitalize what is languishing in your life or to release what already is finished. It is an opportunity to eliminate the nonessential and the outdated.

(There is actually 3 different horoscopes for today for Leo, but hell I don't have the patience for all three! So let's see... 'my power' probably means COFFEE and being more accessible means that I'll be chuging some serious amounts today. Sweet!)

From Keen.com;
Your Wednesday Horoscope Judy!
You will want some time alone with the one you love today. If you are currently single, beat the doldrums by being spontaneous for once in your life and calling a friend for an impromptu rendezvous.

(Utter BULLSHIT.)

From Starlightastrology.com

Someone you work with may be withholding valuable information. Problems with in-laws may cause friction in your personal relationship. You mustn't take on other people's responsibilities or you may find yourself irritable and exhausted.

(Shit I'm already irritable and exhausted.)

From Jonathan Cainer:
You have the ability to be exceedingly pleasant. When you are in the right mood, you can charm the birds from the trees. The trouble is, you don't always remember to act this way. Nor do you notice that you have turned your 'niceness switch' to the off position. You assume it is still on. And then, you become surprised to realise that you have offended or upset someone. Now, there is a chance to recognise and repair the damage that has lately been inadvertently done. There's also a chance to make some very wise, important decisions.

(What, are you saying I'm a bitch?)

From Tarot.com
Judy's Horoscope:

It's difficult to tell if you are very close to a wonderful experience or if you have just missed your chance. On one hand, the energy feels as if it's in decline. On the other hand, you can see the bright lights on the horizon and you know something's coming up. Don't change directions now; just keep moving as steadily as you can toward the light.

(Am I dead now? Go toward the light! Fuck it's probably just a truck headed for me.)

And finally from ivillage
Your career path will soon become extremely easy to navigate, but it wouldn't hurt to make some plans right now. You can manage some key moves that will get you where you want to be in record time

(you mean I'll get that zipper in right?? Fuck I hope so!)

In conculsion I have no idea how my day is supposed to turn out, could be REALLY good, or it could just suck.

Any one want to give it a shot as to what YOU think my horoscope is for today. Be creative.

Janis Days

I've probably been listening to way too much Janis Joplin recently. I was considering taking that CD out of the car so I'd stop listening to it, but I think I'll leave it be for a couple of more weeks. I'm kind of in a funk at the moment. *sigh* Stress sucks. I think I'm thankful that my only addiction is coffee. Anyway, I'm not going to bore you with any of the pathetic details of my funk, but I will enlighten you to the lyrics of one of the songs I keep playing OVER AND OVER AND OVER again (now aren't you glad you don't ride in my car with me, not only would you have the superb opportunity to hear this song several times, but you'd be able to hear ME sing it LOUDLY and that my friends would cause permant insanity and probably temporary hearing damage).

JANIS JOPLIN lyrics - "Piece Of My Heart"

Oh, come on, come on, come on, come on!

Didn't I make you feel like you were the only man — yeah!
An' didn't I give you nearly everything that a woman possibly can ?
Honey, you know I did!
And each time I tell myself that I, well I think I've had enough,
But I'm gonna show you, baby, that a woman can be tough.

I want you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,
Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby!
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, oh, have a!
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,
You know you got it if it makes you feel good,
Oh, yes indeed.

You're out on the streets looking good,
And baby deep down in your heart I guess you know that it ain't right,
Never, never, never, never, never, never hear me when I cry at night,
Babe, and I cry all the time!
But each time I tell myself that I, well I can't stand the pain,
But when you hold me in your arms, I'll sing it once again.

I'll say come on, come on, come on, come on and take it!
Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby.
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah,
Oh, oh, have a!
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,
You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good.

I need you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,
Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby!
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart, now darling, yeah, c'mon now.
Oh, oh, have a
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby.
You know you got it — whoahhhhh!!

Take it!
Take it! Take another little piece of my heart now, baby,
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart, now darling, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Oh, oh, have a
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby, hey,
You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good.

Giving Thanks

I'm feeling thankful suddenly.

I'm thankful for the Little People visiting grandma. (it makes getting a piece of ass that much eaiser... er.. I mean finishing things uninterupted)

I'm thankful for who ever invented INSTANT PUDDING!! Gawd damn! Who can't appreciate pudding that's ready in 5 freaking minutes??? (and the lemon is delightful, it tastes just like the iced lemon pound cake from Starbucks)

I'm thankful for this damn computer! Yeehaw! I'd have to acutally go out and BUY my porn otherwise. (kidding! kidding!)

I'm thankful for rechargable batteries. Oh stop that be-otch! I'm talking about for my camera! Filthy mind.

I'm thankful that cats can't actually talk. I'd hate to hear what they'd say! "Ya know, the other day when I was licking my butt..." Yeah, I don't think so.

I'm thankful for hot Massage Therapist who are great with their hands and fabulous in bed.

I'm thankful for smart men who are great to talk to and think I'm HOT. (insane obviously)

I'm thankful for hot coffee.

Well, that's about it. I think I'm done with all this thankful stuff... my pudding is done now. Back to being ungrateful and sewing.

Insert Witty Title

So... After massive frustration with the SEWING PROJECT and after my finally wading it into a tiny ball, dousing it with gasoline and lighting it on the porch, I feel much better. * K and I went to the store to procure dead cow for dinner. Mmmmm... Despite K over cooking my side of the steak, it was a truly delightful dinner.

This morning I woke with renewed spirit and purpose. Actually I think I was a cranky bitch (as usual) for a bit, then I got some coffee and had all that renewal shit kick in. I've decided that I'll adopt some new philosophies in my life just to make me HAPPY and keep me HAPPY. I'll start reading my horoscope again. Regularly. What the fuck, false hope is better than no hope at all. Not that I believe that shit, but it's amusing. Oh wait.. Did I say philosophies... Well that's all I got, I think I had decided on something else also, but after I woke completely and had my eggs for breakfast I realized that it was extremely retarded and promptly purged it from my memory... Or something like that.

Earlier K got the hiccups and blamed them on me. Blamed me for making him laugh. And blamed me for him nearly choking on his drink because he was laughing. My gawd after 11 years of marriage you would think that man would know not to listen to me when I'm talking to the voices in my head. I told him he'd just have to get one of those things installed so that it beeped when he was drinking and I'd know to keep my mouth shut while he was drinking. Although I'd just forget and always be wondering if there was a garbage truck backing up near me. In conclusion, K's hiccups are not my fault... His paranoid psychosis, though, that's probably my fault... Maybe I should stop making him think I'm trying to kill him... nah.

Speaking of one who needs to shut up, that damn cat is still meowing. I have tried to politely explain to her that even though the Little People are far from her, it should not interfere with her main occupation of hiding under something and sleeping for 12 hours straight, then I encouraged her to do so. By encourage I mean threatened to duct tape her to the damn chair if she didn't shut her damn mouth and leave me alone. Damn cat! If I wanted a co-dep animal I would have kept the damn dog!

So... I retrieved the charred remains of the sewing project and after realizing my folly I have returned to work on the item and am delighted to report that I'm so fucking close to being finished it's not even funny. So why am I sitting here typing crap? One word - PROCRASTINATION. That and I needed some coffee, I was getting sleepy. And hot, but not in the fun way. So nw that I've finished my cup of coffee and read my horoscope (and been enlightened and mystified by the predictions) I shall go back to my sewing and mentally planning out my life based on the predictions I've just read. Later!

* ummm yeah.. I didn't do that.

Karma Balance

So yesterday started kind of crappy what with the slow work day and the Toilet Of Doom attack (gotta do so more chants and burn my candles again), but after a nice long nap things turned out pretty good... no... not good, great... even fucking fabulous. Yes FUCKING FABULOUS.

After naps and playing computer games for way to long, I discovered that the cats were out of food. Actually I got tired of the cats biteing my ankles and faking passing out from hunger. Drama cats, I tell you. So off to the store I go for cat food. When I got back there was a message from the Massage Therapist. Woohoo! Spending the evening with Massage Therapist certainly made up for the morning. Yes I did watch a movie this time and yes I did get that coffee... this morning.

Today has been busy spent catching up with K about his weekend (yawn, yawn, yawn, when's it my time to talk about ME??) and sewing. I'm seriously frustrated right now. I have this one thing to finish before I start on the MEGA SUPER HUGE FANTASTIC project and I can't seem to get this done because I'm a primo 'tard and keep doing things WRONG and then have to spend 20-30 minutes ripping out the seams (delicate fabric) of something that took me 2 minutes to sew wrong. FUCK. It's cool I just need lots more coffee.

I'm enjoying the Little People vising Grandma right now. The cats on the other hand may need some Prozac by the end of the week. My two neurotic cats seem to be missing their daily torture sessions at the hands of the Tiny Terrorists. They have been fighting with each other a lot. Dusty has been walking around meowing all the freaking time (I'm about ready to duct tape her fucking mouth shut) and looking for the Tiny Terrorists - this is odd because she usually HIDES from them all damn day. Sunshine has been wandering around aimlessly. I know that as soon as they get home the cats will reclaim their Tiny Terrotists and allow them to whatever they wish in exchange for just being in their presence. Crazy damn cats.

Okay, my break is done. Back to sewing.

Calgon, Get Me The Fuck Out Of Here!

Fuck what a great weekend so far! (sarcasm) When I got home yesterday I think it was even messier than when I left for work, and since the Tiny Terrorists are currently on a invasion of Grandma's house, I didn't think that was possible. I was terribly disapointed in the cats as I've spent way too many of my brain cells absorbing Disney movies and I continue to hold out hope that either the 'Cleaning Fairies' will visit or my cat will get with the Disney program and clean house while I'm at work. No fucking luck. Though I bitch, yesterday was a good day, I had a good dinner (by myself), and a nice evening (by my self) and I'm seriously enjoying the SILENCE. ( I swear if I had no children and lived by myself I'd probably find a job I could do from home and become a hermit and completly lose the ability to speak all together because I'd never have to do it. Okay maybe not... but at times it seems like a good thing) I watched a movie and I'll do a movie review later because it was one whacked out movie, but I liked it.

Today, I woke and went to work (waste of time) and just moments ago I finished cleaning up the water in my bathroom from yet another attack from THE TOILET OF DOOM! Muther Fuck! I so totally wasn't even expecting that, I had walked away and was combing my hair when I heard that familiar sound of water splashing on the floor. AND of course the bathroom is a mess with things out on the floor and not put away. So I had to splash through the water to grab the new package of toilet paper and box of tampons. What fun. I've currently got a washer full of wet towels and I'm thinking that if Calgon isn't going to take me away, then I may have to resort to a bottle of wine and some hydrocodone to take me places. Sheesh.