It’s All Black And White To Me

The Little People can be so funny sometimes. This weekend during Sunday School (K takes them to that cult practice, not me obviously) the question was asked of the 6 year olds as to who was the betrayer of Jesus (and not the guy who works at Taco Bell), our offspring piped up with “Judas”, and what a proud moment it was for K as Super Girl was the only one to know that. But before K could bask in the pride from that answer Super Girl added “And Judas was black.” Suddenly K is mortified by what has just come out of the offsprings mouth and is willing it to jump back in there. K explains that in ‘Jesus Christ Super Star’, one of Super Girl’s favorite musicals on DVD, that Judas is indeed black. I could have peed myself when K told me that yesterday upon returning home with The Little People. I wish I could have seen his face when it happened. I then explained to Super Girl that Judas was not necessarily really a black man, he was just a black actor in ‘Jesus Christ Super Star’ and that he may have been any color at all (if you believe that whole story to begin with).

The other kid…

Tonight while watching a Justice League Unlimited episode, Batman is singing “Am I Blue” and Cabbage Patch says “Nu-uh, he’s in black.” To which it was explained by K that when someone says they are BLUE they mean they are sad, not the color BLUE… unless they are Smurfs (that was added by me)… or cold (addition by Super Girl). I’m sure Cabbage Patch was just wondering if Batman was a Smurf or cold.

Tough Stuff…

Speaking of explaining things to kids (and ruining their precious innocents by giving the truth), today Super Girl was telling me about her trip to the farm and seeing the cows and her experience in milking a cow and seeing the piggies, etc. Something was said by her that made me realize she thought farms were basically petting zoos with BIG animals. I called her over and explained that many of the animals on the farm became FOOD. Cows that aren’t giving milk become BEEF (It’s what’s for dinner!), piggies become PORK and chickens that aren’t there to lay eggs become CHICKEN NUGGETS. I showed her various things online and much to my surprised instead of being upset or vowing to be a vegetarian, she was fine with it. And when I asked her what she would think when she saw the piggies at the farm from now on she said “Pork!” hehehe… Gotta love my kid.

Ahhhh… A Day Of Rest

As If!

First I apologize to all who rely on the inane crap written here to entertain them whilst they sit at their desk doing their 8. I have not posted today because of CHILDREN. Today, just to drive me to drink, the school district has mandated a day off. That means that Super Girl has been home all day. And it’s just been magical! And my magical I mean homicidal as in it’s come close to driving me to find a clock tower to hang out in with a high powered rifle and a bag full of ammunition. Really. Quite magical.

This is how my day has gone:

6:15 am
Awake suddenly, look at clock and start to curse K for not waking me or the offspring, THEN remember it’s Super Girl’s day off and we can all sleep in. Shove irritating cat off bed and go back to sleep.

7:03 am
Awake suddenly, shove irritating cat off bed and listen intently for sounds of offspring being awake. Snuggle Brad Pittlow and drift off to sleep.

7:45 am
Awake suddenly and listen carefully for child noises. Satisfied they are still snoozing, shove irritating cat off bed and drift off back to sleep.

8:05 am
Knock irritating cat off bed as I roll over to answer the annoying device making noise next to me, i.e. the phone. Have short discussion with D wherein I grunt the affirmation that I AM STILL sleeping, hang up phone (or drop it on the floor, I don’t remember) and drift off to sleep.

8:20 am
Awake suddenly to the sound of shrieking and someone repeating “Noooooooo! The pink one is mine! Nooooooo!” Watch cat deftly jump out of my way as I move to get out of bed (and shove her off the bed) and walk into living room which now looks like a war zone from the Great Barbie Polly Pockets War with two kids in the middle fighting over a pink bowl filled to the brim with Kix cereal. Growl intimidatingly as I kick dolls out of my way to make a path to the kitchen and mumble something to the offspring about them needing to share and how they could have woke me up so I could make their breakfast and that we’d come to a solution so calm down… or something like that, maybe it was just “Holy Gay Jesus on a pogo stick! What the hell happened with these damn dolls?? Stop your yelling, it’s just a bowl. Why didn’t you wake me? Why are there dolls everywhere? Do I need to throw them all away?? Awwww damn it! Why are there Kix all over the damn kitchen? Could you NOT just wake me up? I could have gotten them down off the top shelf with out you climbing them like a damn lemur. You WILL be picking up every damn one of these Kix AFTER you pick up all the damn Polly Pockets and Barbies and My Little Freaking Pony crap. Now here’s the other pink bowl, go sit down and eat breakfast. NOW.”

8:30 am
Threaten the Tiny Terrorist with certain unmentionable horrible things happening to Polly and company if they don’t get it in gear and pick them up NOW.

8:33 am
Curse the school board for deciding today MUST be a vacation day.

8:35 am
Curse school board for not having year round school.

8:36 am
Inform youngest progeny that if she makes that horrific whining noise again will result in liberal amounts of duct tape being applied to her gaping pie hole.

8:37 am
Hide the duct tape as the mention of my duct taping their mouths shut has stirred the Tiny Terrorist into a frenzy of glee and excitement and begging to be the first to get taped. I swear I didn’t smoke crack while pregnant.

8:40 am
Call D and curse her in three different languages for not taking the Tiny Terrorist for the day, or actually just chat for a while, but I did THINK of cursing her.

9:00 am
Referee the 100th fight that morning and repeat threat from 8:30 am.

10:00 am
After the tidal wave of Barbie/Polly Pockets has been cleaned and the vacuum has been run, the Tiny Terrorists are banished to the bath tub! I sentence thee to a BATH! Actually the love baths, I’ve more than once been tempted to let them take 3 or 4 baths a day just to keep the peace. Peace and relative quiet and two very clean children… but oh, the disaster in the bathroom.

11:00 am
The Tiny Terrorists are bathed and dressed and the living room floor is still clean. I’ve taken the very last of my ‘Happy Pills’ and am eyeing the EMERGENCY BOOZE in the fridge. I’m still in my night gown.

11:30 am
We are up to probably 300 fights between the Little People that have had to be referee’d and at least 6542 whines that I have sampled today. Someone SHOOT ME PLEASE!

Noon
Repeat the threat of 8:30 am before serving a nutricious and delicious lunch of crackers with peanut butter and Nutella and bananas with cups of milk (all served on matching plates and cups so as to not have to hear the bitching of this morning).

12:30 pm
Repeat the threat of 8:30 am.

1:00 pm
The most magical time of the day! NAP TIME! Down a fifth of Jack and pass out on the couch while the Tiny Terrorists watch their NEW Cinderella DVD for the 10th time today.

3:00 pm
Repeat lunch as snack for newly awakened offspring while mumbling chants that they be GOOD the rest of the day.

3:02 pm
Curse every thing in the world because the damn voodoo chant for ‘Good Children’ didn’t fucking work. Where is that damn duct tape.

4:00 pm
Repeat the threat of 8:30 am.

4:30 pm
Realize with glee that K is off work now and headed home therefore eventually freeing me of my current psychotic state of being.

4:35 pm
Wonder why they don’t sell kid sized kennels. I would so own a couple of those.

4:45 pm
Light candles in preparation for a Polly Pockets bonfire.

5:00 pm
Realize that I’m still in my night gown. Fuck it, the day is gone now. All I need is a 40 in a paper bag, fuzzy slippers and rollers to complete this look.

6:00 pm
Where is K?? Death to him who makes me wait!

6:15 pm
Sanity restored… sort of. K is home. The parenthood responsibilities are foisted on him like an anvil from the top of a cliff. Suck it!

6:30 pm
Damn it, the responsibilities of parenthood are back to me. Fuck that. Repeat the threat of 8:30 am.

7:00 pm
Lick the interior of the bottle of ‘Happy Pills’ and hope that’s JUST ENOUGH. Someone make the SCREAMING STOP!! It BURNS! It BURNS!

7:28 pm
Fuck the diet, I’m eating a cheeseburger for dinner.

7:35
Swallow whole a cheese burger and start surfing internet porn while counting down to 8 pm (Tiny Terrorist bed time).

Saving Ryan's Privates

Over heard recently: Ghetto Mamma: Jerald, are you playing in the dirt?
Ghetto Baby: *shakes head*
Ghetto Mamma: You want me to whop you?
Ghetto Baby: *shakes head again*
Ghetto Mamma: Then go play with yo car and get out the dirt.

DAMN there were a lot of State Troopers out on the road today. I eneded up with two of them driving behind me on the way to work. I tell you it's sights like that that make me feel safer... not really just a little paranoid really.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Keeping The Fast
Or
Testing My Ever Loving Limits…

Last night in a blur of stupidity I went to karaoke despite my starting of my Yom Kippur fast (yes, yes, I know, karaoke is not exactly a RELIGIOUS activity, so bite me), if not for my promise to Porn Star to ferry her to above mentioned bar activity, I would have stayed home and not eaten with my family. THIS was much more fun though. Upon sitting my ass down at the table, I found myself informing out dear waitress that I would in fact not be having anything… at all... not even water. Upon seeing the raised eyebrows and incredulous look upon her face, I found myself explaining why and promising to tip even though she wouldn’t be serving me. She smiled politely and walked away thinking I’m either crazy or a masochist.

In accordance with the laws of Yom Kippur I shunned my leather shoes in favor of some… er.. non-leather ones. I opted for my very cool black polka-dotted rubber rain boots despite the dry status of the weather. It was a bold choice but a smart one for me… or maybe just a bold one. Anyway, they are so damn cool I may have to wear them every freaking day for the next month. I got many adoring comments (by adoring I mean loud laughter and pointing) for my fashion choice. I also donned a very cool black corduroy cowboy hat – that was just another BOLD fashion choice and had nothing to do with religious law. I look good in hats and it helped to cover my hair that was choosing to look like ASS as I hadn’t put any anti-ASS stuff in it. I was looking good last night… or… not. Slash told me that the shirt I was wearing made me look pregnant. Thank you, thank you, fuck you very much. Nothing makes a lady feel special like hearing that she looks pregnant – well that only applies to ladies who ARE pregnant, the rest of us, well it makes us feel incredibly FAT and homicidal. Now here is where I throw in an apparently little known piece of knowledge – one should NEVER EVER EVER tell a fat chick she looks pregnant unless you have actually SEEN the sonogram photos and heard her proclaim self pregnancy or if you are holding her hand as she huffs and puffs and is in the process of actually squeezing that kid out of her body. I laughed it off – all 5 times he mentioned it and inwardly told him to BURST INTO FLAMES YOU FUCKER. It’s a good thing I was at the beginning of my fast and not towards the end where I’m hungry and cranky and tend to hallucinate and can make a weapon out of just about anything including a gum wrapper (all those episodes of McGuiver have paid off).

Before the evening was over I found myself wanting a drink… of anything… even just water. Damn it! But I didn’t give in. Snazzy Seg arrived and her and Porn Star conspired to torture me by us all going to Café Brazil after karaoke for a hot steaming cup of (nothing for me) coffee and a nice place of (nothing for me) pumpkin pancakes. Fuckers. It all smelled fabulous. The extremely adorable gay waiter remembered us and asked where the other chick was, the crazy one who ordered the fruit last time and I told him that D was busy with her big dicked boyfriend that night and that I would not be ordering ANYTHING at all. Again with the look of contempt from the wait staff, but how could I hold it against him? He’s so damn cute and gay! We laughed, we talked, we had a great time, I finally broke up the fun with a cranky reminder that I HAVE to get up early and it was 1:30 am so let’s pay the damn bill and go home! Truly I was pained to leave our delightfully gay waiter as he and I were bonding as only a flamer and a Patron Saint to The Gay People can. I thanked him for NOTHING and we left, but not before the other delightfully gay waiters commented on my fabulous boots and how he had a skirt that would match them and that he’d bring it for me next week when we noshed there. Rock on.

I dropped off Porn Star and drove home. A rather uneventful drive except for the car being driven by a cute young man no older than 20 who paced me for 10 or so miles trying to get my attention. Being that I’m rather DENSE in these matters I didn’t really realize he was trying to get my attention until right before he exited the highway flashing me a big smile and a peace sign. I tried to imitate his youngster gang sign of friendliness but am quite certain I only came off as an incredible dork. As I drove on home I wondered if he would have paced me so long or flashed me that peace sign if he had known that I’m a 34 year old mother of two, I think not. At any rate it was a nice ego boost and I took it as a sign that the higher power that be was smiling on me.

This morning however was a different story. 6 am came far to early and the fabulous fog outside has rendered my darling hair into a something akin to a Bride of Frankenstein wig that is not in fact a wig but my own real live hair. I also was hungry this morning, really HUNGRY. Most mornings I’m not really HUNGRY, just a little hungry. Damn it. Since I am fasting, I am a wee bit cranky now. Hungry and cranky. I’ve taken my pill and that’s it. My pill and some water to wash it down with. That is permitted. And am I not lucky that the pill says to take with a full glass of water… full pitcher sized glass of water. Um… yeah..

10:25 am
What the hell is wrong with this child???? She’s had a delightful breakfast of cereal and milk yet she’s WHINING about LUNCH already? In a grating, fingernails on chalkboard demon voice I keep hearing “Moooooooommm… Is it lunch time?” Over and over and over. Sheesh… Although… it may just be the voices in my head saying that. The temptation to take more stomach pills just so I can wash it down with a gallon or so of water (and a samich!) is there, but I will hold fast to my fast. Heh.. that was funny. Okay, no it wasn’t even remotely funny, cut me some slack, it hard to be funny when you want a Ho Ho!

11:15 am
Watching the offspring feed the cats a handful of treats has rendered me jealous and bitter. Right then I decided that the cats are also Jewish and dumped their food bowl hissing “No more for you fur bags!” This would be so much easier if I didn’t have a little one around… or food… or water… or if I wasn’t conscious. Darn that motherhood thing making me stay awake!

11:26 am
I’ve concluded that coffee isn’t food at all. It’s a LIFE FORCE ENERGY! Therefore it is not forbidden… and by that we can conclude that Splenda and cream are also permissible. Oh come on! Don’t give me that look! Sniffing the coffee grounds just isn’t doing it for me. Damn it.

Never before has a cheese sandwich looked so delightful. I lovingly made it with just a touch of mustard, cut it into quarters and placed it artfully on the cute blue Ikea plate with a handful of animal crackers and a side of juice. Then I sat and wept as she ate everything but the crust, which for some reason just the sight of them makes me salivate like Pavlov’s dogs. I think I need to go sniff the coffee again.

1:12 pm
I napped with the progeny only to dream of Krispe Kreame donuts – lots of them! I dreamed of watching the “Birth of donuts” at the Krispe Kreame place and being at the end of the line just snatching up the tasty hot fresh pieces of heaven and eating them. I awoke to find myself gnawing on my pillow and my toddler just staring at me with a look of fear. I guess I should be happy I wasn’t dreaming of eating a turkey and awoke to find her arm in my mouth. Back to sniffing the coffee.

3:30 pm
Licking a mint is not actually eating it right? Licking is okay right? Because it’s not actually EATING. I’ve started licking different food items… NOT eating, just licking. Like cheese, cheese is a very lickable food. As is ice and coffee grounds. Yeah, so I’ve been licking the cheese, the ice and the coffee grounds and I’m feeling a little better now. It helps that the sock puppets are keeping me company, not many arguments except for that one on creationism – stupid socks think the big bang has something to do with a washing machine. The only bad thing is that the grating, fingernails on chalkboard demon voice had returned, most surprisingly it’s coming from me now! And the things it’s saying, unbelievable things like “If you don’t give me a lick of that fucking popsicle right this instant I promise you that Polly Pocket is in for a painful and firey death!” or “I don’t care if daddy said it’s wrong to lick the cheese, tell him he’s going to have to stop me himself and hang up the damn phone!” Other than that, it’s going quite well, I feel as though I’ve reached a level of spirituality that I never knew I had… either that or these hallucinations are just really weird.

4:30 pm
Isn’t it sundown yet? Do I have to wait for it to be sundown here? Do non food items count as eating? Can someone make the socks stop talking???? It burns! It burns!!

5:10 pm
I hear an unearthly voice speaking to me. It is telling me to drive to Taco Bell and get 2 of the $10 value meals and eat them both in the car on the 4 block drive home and don’t forget the packets of mild sauce. The socks are talking also, politics and arguing over listening to public radio and the Little People are covered in pastel colored foam. I’m not sure if any of this is real or if I’m just really really hungry and having problems putting my socks on.

5:36 pm
How embarrassing. K just got home and caught me licking the television. Damn that turkey dinner looked realistic! Is it over yet? Isn’t it SUNDOWN yet! WHY on earth would they call it a FAST if it seems to take for ever until you can eat that box of Krispe Kreames?

5:45 pm
6:57 pm… that’s when this will be over. I can eat then. That’s over an hour away!!!! At least the cats are suffering with me…well not really, they are sleeping. Damn CATS!

6:30 pm
I’ve regained much of my sanity and the hallucinations have stopped… at least I think they have. D is on her way over to break the fast with me and maybe bring me a truck load of hot Krispe Kreame donuts. I’ve started about 15 different things cooking in preparation for 6:57 pm

8:30 pm
D and I return from a ‘Quick’ trip to WallyWorld. I have no idea why I didn’t grab a box of Ho Ho’s while in the store, I could have broken my fast right after we ran into Shaz in the frozen foods area. I’m sure she wouldn’t have even blinked as I shoved 6 of them in my mouth, but alas, I didn’t have any with me. Dinner was full of fiber and healthy goodness (vegetarian stuff for D) oh yeah and some Smirnoff Twisted V Raspberry drinks… and a box of Ho Ho’s… and half a pint of Hagen Daz… chocolate milk… pizza… a chili dog… and some mints. I’m about done with the box and the hallucinations are coming back but this time in a good way. Yom Kippur in the hood is done now.

*note: most incidents mentioned above did not happen and are completely fictional as the truth was far too boring.

Yom Kippur

Yom Kippur starts tonight at sundown. This is the holiest day of the year, the day spent in prayer, repenting and asking for forgiveness. This is the day our fates for the coming year is sealed, the day we all hope to be '...inscribed and sealed for a good year'.

Because Yom Kippur is the holiest of days, I won't be on IM at all after sundown. If you need me call me, I'll be answering the phone (both) but I won't be reading e-mails. I'll post after sundown tomorrow - I'll have cool photos of a lizard and a frog from today.

If you call, please be aware that I'll be fasting from sundown tonight until sundown tomorrow so I may be a tad on the BITCHY side and I appologize now. I've been trying to eat enough today to make it not so bad tomorrow but ya know, there are only so many Big Mac's a person can eat in one sitting! (kidding about that, just the thought of that is vile!)I can't bathe tomorrow either, so again I might be snippy... and stinky, so you might want to wait until after sundown after I've had a shower - just make sure you bring some Krispe Kream when you visit.

Also in accordance with Yom Kippur, I ask for forgiveness from each and every one of you for anything that I have done that was offensive or mean. Specifically all the "lashon ha-ra" (lit: the evil tongue), i.e. all those times I've muttered 'bitch' under my breath when you walked by, or all the catty comments I've made against you, etc. For that I am sorry and ask your forgiveness. I don't believe I have to get forgiveness from President Bush or any of the political figures I've called Asshats and for that I am thankfull.

And the best part of Yom Kippur is that I can't wear leather shoes! I have a delightfull pair of rubber rain boots I'll be wearing when it is necessary to wear shoes. They are the BOMB!

Seriously, this is an important and holy time for me. I'll be back tomorrow after sundown, hopefully having been written in for a good year. I leave you with a traditional Jewish greeting for this time - L'shanah tovah ("for a good year")This is a shortening of "L'shanah tovah tikatev v'taihatem" (or to women, "L'shanah tovah tikatevi v'taihatemi"), which means "May you be inscribed and sealed for a good year." And I sincerely wish that to all of you.

A Cock By Any Other Name Is Still As Hard

Ahhh look, a quiz!

What kind of individually packaged condiment are you? Korean Air Creamer Though you were manufactured with a very small consumer group in mind, you're unbeatable with that Korean coffee.

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I always knew I was creamy!

Double Penetration Fun!

What a freaking crazy day! I had to take Cabbage Patch for her 4 year shots - which consisted of three shots. Poor baby! She did so great and didn't shead even a single tear! I got a call later (while I was out) that she needs to come back and get one more. *sigh* When I was int he office, I was told that the last shot could be done later, jsut before she starts school. Well, whatever, I'll just call later.


Something else...


10 Reasons Gay Marriage Should Be Illegal

01) Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning

02) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

03) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

04) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

05) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

06) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

07) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

08) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

09) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Re-post this if you believe love makes a marriage.

Seymore Butts House of Ass


Last night I didn’t sleep well, I kept having the strangest dreams! I kept dreaming of a cat party, as in CATS having a wild ass party. With music and dancing and drinking and all. The worst part about it was that I kept waking up and right next to me would be my cat! I’d look at her and think I was still dreaming and I’d fall asleep again dreaming of the damn cat party only to wake again with a cat next to me. No I wasn’t hitting the NyQuil last night. Cats.

Something else..

Conversation from yesterday:

ME: You could leave some Laura Ashley gloves there.
Her: I am NOT wearing some mittens.
ME: They aren’t mittens, they are gloves.
Her: I don’t care. I’m not wearing any stretchy glove, mitten things. No Glittens.
ME: Glittens?
Her: Yes glittens. Gloves and mittens, glittens.
ME: No glittens eh? Hehehe…
Her: You got it.

Yank My Doodle, It's A Dandy

So after working all damned day Saturday, I headed home to take a nice long nap. Ahhhh I love an empty house! I woke at 8:30 pm took a shower and debated going to Ben’s until 9 pm when I decided to go. Since I wasn’t sure of my availability of people to lace me into my red corset, I made a change to my garb choice that took 30 minutes for me to dig around and get together. I had to DRIVE myself as Shaz is in Vegas for her American Idol audition and Whysper was at 6 Flags for some company crap. *sigh* I can not believe you people made me DRIVE MYSELF! You know I get LOST! At any rate, karma was on my side that night and I managed to get to Ben’s without even a u-turn.

Bast was there with her amazingly hot boy-toy. He was quite yummy to look at, I may have to abduct him for my own evil purposes some day. It was a pretty small turn out, but still fun. Cindy, Whysper and I got hit on by two drunk frat boys. Shortly before we left, we got the joy of watching frat boys friends get into a screaming match with one of them, she was pissed about having to pay his tab (for 8 half yards!!!) and was yelling about being $20,000 in debt and having already paid her $160 bar tab and tipped $50 so why should she have to pay his tab, yadda, yadda, yadda. Oh shut up! We left after than and Whysper and I headed for an eating establishment for a very early breakfast. The only problem with that was the EVERY ONE ELSE in the DFW area thought of the same thing! We pulled into a Denny’s that’s on the way home and there was NO parking at all. Fuckers. So we kept driving, thinking that we’d see something off the service road on the way but we didn’t and the next thing we knew we were in my city and I led us to IHOP so we could share the Trucker Breakfast (Country Breakfast). But honestly, WTF is up with not having something open in three freaking cities on the way to my house???

Other stuff…

I looked at the offspring just a moment ago and see that she’s sleeping on the sofa with the cat laying on her back. I really should stop the cat from sleeping on the offspring… or stop the kid from sleeping where the cat wants to lay.

Fuck… why am I so tired lately? Don’t say because I’ve been staying out to late because I went to bed before 10 pm last night and I’m tired today! I think maybe I need to double my coffee consumption.

People who put hats on their dogs are just wrong in the head. See for yourself.

Kill Me Now

Someone Help Me!


Now, hat’s on cats, that’s another story.

I WIll KILL You For This


And stickers on Cats - well that's just good clean fun!

DIE!


And Zombie Children...

Brains!

Everyone should have one!

Wait... what was I talkign about... hmmm... off to find more coffee.

Cock Hungry Co-eds

Last night I went to SCREAMS with friends. It rocked! I mean I didn't get scared in any of the haunted houses, etc., BUT it was sooooooo freaking entertaining to watch Shaz! Shaz was freaked out by SOMETHING in every house or maze. My stomach hurts from laughing so long. Now I'm so very, very disappointed that I could not talk D into going with me! She gets so freaked out by haunted houses and fuck that would have been so damn funny to have HER AND SHAZ freaked out.

Other things...

You people... I think ya'll are more obsessed about DVD Guy than I am (probably not but it sounds good for now). Sable weighed in on the 'grab the crotch' debate and voted for me to NOT grab. Let me just tell you now, it's not likely that I'll grab the crotch... Just not with this guy. SUBTLE, ya know. I'm such a chicken shit I probably won't do a fucking thing about DVD guy.

What else was funny was when Captain John said that The Wife was sitting at the bar drinking and had said that her last drink would be to DVD Guy! HAHAHAHAHA! Apparently several people are trying to figure out WHO DVD Guy is. Well you know what? I'm not going to tell! Hell even if I do make a move on this guy (which is unlikely considering my CHICKEN SHIT factor is VERY high on this subject matter these days) I probably won't tell anyone! Or maybe I will. Who knows. You people are killing me!

Moving on...

Gawd, I could just die. In every room I go in today, everyone is watching the GAME. ICK. I'm so not a football fan. BORING. A significant amount of nurses here at the hospital are wearing scrubs in 'school colors' - vomit. But whatever.

Something different...

Now this is just a puzzling thing. Today whilst waiting for the light to turn green and usher me on to the next stop up ahead, the guy in the snazzy little car next to me was looking at me and smiling at me. While it is very flattering to have some cute stranger (and he was very cute) give me the look, it's somewhat pointless when we are in cars, separated by locked doors and windows. I sped off when the light turned green (I was running late). So WHAT IS the point of flirting with someone in another car??? Just to give them an ego boost? Or are there people who will chase down someone in the car just to get their number? Sounds crazy. Maybe next time instead of just smiling nicely before going back to singing along to my Janice Joplin CD I should just roll my eyes all ghetto style and stick my hand up in the universal "talk to the hand" signal.

Stupid people

Today I overhead one of the nurses in a conversation with someone arguing that ducks can NOT go underwater as they will drown. I had to shake my head at her and tell her that wasn't true. In the time I've lived next to the lake and taken my offspring to FEED the DUCKS, I have on MOST occasions watched ducks dive under the water only to bob back up to the surface unharmed. I've even seen them go under in one area only to pop up a couple of feet away from where they were. Unfortunately I didn't get a chance to explain that to this idiot nurse as I had an appointment to go to.

Okay, back to work for me now.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Dildoes

I almost forgot this... D totally freaked me out when we went to the fair. As we were giving our tickets to the ticket taker person she said "And you have a great day too Rhonda." The girl looked all surprised and said "How did you know my name is Rhonda?" and D said "you just look like a Rhonda." As this was going on, I just smiled and looked to see if Rhonda had a name tag, but she didn't. As we walked away I whispered to D "How'd you know her name was Rhonda?" and she said "She just looked like a Rhonda." We went back and forth for a few minutes before I got it that she DIDN'T read or hear her name on anything but just thought she LOOKED like a Rhonda. It was weird. Now if only she can fine tune that skill to lottery numbers!

How to charm me until I melt...

Fall asleep on the floor with your head on a big stuffed Simba while watching Chicken Run and before you finish your lunch of deviled eggs.

How to irritate me enough to make my head expode...

Wake up from cuteness being SUPER WHINY! Damn! where is my duct tape!

Hot Pussy, Crazy For Toys!


The other day while shopping with D we found THIS cat toy and both of us almost fell on the floor laughing.

Dog In Drag


Kittyhoots???

I only wish I had made that up!

Pussy Lick

How's that for some hot pussy licking action??

Deep Oral Girls

You people, *tisk* *tisk* *tisk* I am shocked that my situation with DVD Guy has gotten so much attention. The hits on my site DOUBLED yesterday! DOUBLED! AND the suggestions on what to do to bag DVD Guy, well they doubled also (perverts, most of you are still stuck on me grabbing this guys cock... but, ya know... the more I hear it, the more I like that one).

My dear, recently sheared friend Mike called last night under the guise of just chatting but really just to see if he could guess who DVD Guy is. He guessed it was Mansicle Neighbor and I told him NO, if it HAD of been Mansicle Neighbor I would have been over there to borrow a cup of cock LONG before now... that is if he DIDN'T have a freaking wife (one who was just waiting to hear of her start date for the FBI so you know this woman knows of at least 600 ways that she could kill me with a popsicle stick). But NO it's not Mansicle Neighbor (damn it!). Mike kindly offered to go tell DVD Guy if I needed him to. hehehe... I'm considering it. ;o)
Of course he's the only person not suggesting I grab DVD Guy's cock but he did say that since DVD Guy is a GUY he's utterly oblivious and I'm going to have to actually do something. *sigh* Then he said some shit about how cute it was that I got all tongue tied over this guy. Yeah, whatever.

Kids...

Yesterday I had this conversation with Cabbage Patch:

ME: You need to get dressed.
Her: Nooooooooooooo! I wanna stay NAKED! (runs around in circles)
ME: Well you could at least turn your underware around so it's not on backwards.
Her: Nooooooo! I NAKED! (runs upstairs flapping like a bird)

The naked thing was in the afternoon after a morning of her wearing a cheesy cheap Halloween Princess costume complete with a crown.

Oh, and the title.. it obviously has nothing to do with this post. It's the title of some porn movie, I think I'll use porn titles for my posts titles for a while.

Anyway, I need to go drink several more cups of coffee.

Quiz Shit!

3 Congratulations! You scored 54%!

Equally heterosexual and Homosexual. You are one of the few people who could be truely bisexual. Most people who are bisexual tend to lean more towards the men or the women. You could also consider yourself pansexual. Yay for equality.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 67% on PrefPoints

Link: The How gay or straight are you? Test written by PunkRockBitch on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Hmmm... K i don't think that's gonna qualify you for the toaster oven.

Random Photos From the Fair

Now, Everyone Together, HELL!

The Little People really were thinking it was HELL by that time. The line just WASN'T MOVING!

Did Someone Say Heifer?

MOOOOO!

I Don't Think That's The Way To Oz!

D! I said ASK for directions from the Scarcrow! You are going to get us throw out of OZ!

Hanging With Some Bears Who Aren't Their Daddy and His Boyfriend!

Not sure what's up with the EVIL ORANGE cast of the photos, but it's COOL!

Just Shoot Me Now!

I think that's what she actually said! hehe...

What The Hell???

THis is the elevator thingie at the train station.

DVD Guy Update

I figured that I should just post about this since it’s THE question to be asked lately. Everybody wants to know what’s up with that… or really what’s wrong with me and why can’t I just ask this guy out. The answer to all the questions is the same I AM A WORLD CLASS DORK!!! If you have EVER had a doubt, please doubt no more.

That’s it, that’s all it is. I am such a dork. I completely lost my conversation item when I returned the DVD’s and didn’t borrow more. NOW for some jacked up reason I can’t just call and ask to borrow more or for GAWD SAKES just ASK this man out to coffee and a blow job. Kidding, just kidding about that – I’d just ask about the coffee. So now… nothing. I have no clue what to do. I’ve had several suggestions from many many people, most involve me asking him out to coffee or something and me grabbing his crotch. Let me correct that, MOST suggest that I ask him out to coffee and ALL have suggested I grab his crotch. What’s up with that? Did I not tell you people earlier that I’m trying to be SUBTLE? And how exactly is my hand groping his cock subtle? I have to agree that it WOULD get the message that I’m interested conveyed to this man rather quickly, but it’s not SUBTLE. Not in the least. And I know NOT SUBTLE because that is exactly how I usually am.

So what’s my problem this time? I generally don’t have a problem telling a man that I find him attractive enough that I need to carry extra undies to change into when I know he’ll be around, but I can’t tell this guy I’d like to go out with him. I’ve lost my freaking mind, that’s all. I get close to telling him and then I just clam up. My palms get all sweaty and I start to babble about stupid shit (which really is not so different from a normal conversation with me, I think I just talk faster and look nervous this time). Then, then, this is the worst part, my fucking brain shuts off and I have nothing to say! And there’s an AKWARD silence that leads to me finally saying something inane and off track like asking about the weather for GAWD sakes or asking about his DAMN PET!!! HIS DAMN PET!!! How STOOPID can I get?? (don’t answer that, it’s just a rhetorical question) You have no idea how many times I’ve gotten thisclose to asking DVD Guy out (asking out or propositioning). I find this whole situation as unbelievable and ridiculous as many of you do. I’m not a shy person, I don’t have issues with approaching people, I have been known to discuss my preference for electronic sexual aids and have been known on more than one occasion to have a vibrator in my purse! Hell I’ve even taken a BOB for payment before.

So yeah, I’m a CHICKEN SHIT. Here’s my final move, here on the blog – DVD Guy, I’d like to know if it’s okay if I come over to borrow some DVD’s, we can have some coffee and I’ll grab your crotch. Don’t worry I’ll bring the party favors, I just got a box of 36 condoms and case of batteries, I’d like to run through at least of half of both before the weekend is up. So what do you say? And don’t worry if you don’t really like coffee, we can work around that.

Yes, that is LAME, YES that is just SUPER DORKY, YES I SUCK (did you read that DVD Guy?). Nope, he doesn’t read the blog, at least I don’t think he does. I’m just going to have to let this one go for now.

How To Charm The Hell Out Of Me

Just state the obvious*

Her: Hey mom.
Me: Hmmm?
Her: The cat throwed up.
Me: hmmm.
Her: That's not good.
Me: heh, true.

* this only works for 4 year olds.

From The 'Ain't That A Bitch' File

The cooling fan on my desktop PC (the one I use the most)is dieing. It will work for a bit then it stops and the alarm on the computer goes off, so I have to turn it off and restarts... or just go to Lappy (lap top)which is okay for the most part except that I've managed to misplace my wireless mouse for Lappy (the battery died and I replaced it, now it's gone... probaby in the sofa cushion or something).

something else...

The stupid kids toys at Whataburger are absolutly stupid right now (I don't get this shit for the Tiny Terrorists, but their father does in leiu of actual cooking). They are little orange or blue cones that look like trafic cones. Small kid sized trafic cones. I'd like to know who sat down and said "Ya know, I bet kids would LOVE to play with little bitty trafic cones!" Someone in their coporate offices needs to put the crack pipe down.

More something else...

Cabbage Patch is watching Elmo's World (i.e. the most irritating show on the planet at this moment) and she just gasped and said "Elmo said a bad word!" when I asked what he said (because I was imagining that maybe that little red monster accidentally let the F-bomb drop and I needed to rewind the tape, she said that he said 'sit down'. I swear I did not smoke crack when I was pregnant with her!

That's all for now.. I need to do the dishes since it's apparent that my maid has either died or abandoned me.

Insert Witty Title Here

Damn I’ve been busy… and not so busy, but just away from the freaking computer. So here’s a quick recap of my weekend in random order.

I’ve already talked about the trip to the club with Porn Star, so… go re-read that post if you need it.

Operation DVD is just an absolute BUST. I shall re-name it to Operation Judy Is A Chicken Shit. I returned the DVD’s with the intent of borrowing more and doing a little flirting then borrowing more just so I’d have an excuse to go over there. What I did was return the DVD’s and babble like an IDIOT and THEN be too much of a chicken shit to borrow more or to even flirt. I might as well have stuck my finger up my nose and drooled down my chin, I was being such a ‘Tard. The next day I was discussing it all with K and saying how it was giving me bad déjà vu to early high school days and having a crush on a certain guy and that in light of that I probably needed to have one of my girl friends go up and tell DVD guy that I ‘like’ him or better yet, I need to write his name encircled with a heart on my book cover then giggle and blush if he sees it. Tonight a guy friend of mine suggested that I take a direct approach and ask the guy out to lunch then slip my hand in his lap to ‘check out the package’, when I suggested that I ask him to lunch then slip my panties into his lap he told me that was far to subtle and would get me nowhere. Hehehe… I know he’s right! I’ve done the hand in the lap thing before (and it’s worked just fine), but I just CAN’T do that with DVD guy! I mean doing it on a date just moves things along a little quicker – it’s a great way to skip boring conversation and get right to the naked twister game – and it’s easy to do then, I mean if I’m on a date, I kind of KNOW that this guy is INTO me and baring a serious case of morals and ethics, his purpose is the naked twister game. I’m just not sure with DVD guy, he may not want to play naked twister with me (as hard as that is to believe) and he might just be OFFENDED by my blatant and unabashed groping. Then again, he might just be a GUY and he hasn’t yet figured out that I’m HITTING on him (albeit in a VERY VERY LAME way). Maybe I just need to give him a shake and say “Why the HELL do you think I keep wearing low cut shirts over here? It’s not like I display my boobicles for just EVERYONE!” Okay, that’s a lie, I do display the boobage whenever I can, but I wouldn’t go through the trouble to make sure one of my low cut slutty club shirts was clean every time I was over there. Eh, I’m so lame.

The State Fair was soooo much fun. The Tiny Terrorists were NOT happy with the wait (2 + hours) to see Paul Teutles Sr. and his boys. He’s so hot. I’m surprised D didn’t need to wear a Depends she was so hot for him. She did buy me a most excellent red OCC tank top to wear and I must say, I was looking pretty slutty in it. Oh yeah! I got a photo of me leaning over the table towards Paul Teutles Jr. but poor D did not as I’m truly a ‘tard and didn’t realize her camera was OFF. I’m so sorry D.

Jewish New Year

Woohoo! It’s here. Monday night ushered in the first night of Rosh Hashanah. Unlike last year, I didn’t do a whole lot of cooking in preparation and instead spent Monday at the fair with D and the kids. It rocked!
DayQuil Sucks!
This morning I started to have a sinus headache and took some DayQuil only to be smacked down and knocked out. That shit put me to SLEEP. I’m thankful that Cabbage Patch is such a good child as to just watch a movie and play with her Polly Pockets while I was asleep on the couch like some crack whore sleeping it off after a hard night. Damn that sucked!
Speaking of sleeping, I need to go do that now.

*double posting fixed now, hell I figured if ya'll liked reading it once, you'd love it the second time around!

End Of The Day

Saturday Night Special
Or
Cock Blocked Clubbin' Night

Whew... I'm at work and I'm tired, not so tired that I can't function, but tired enough that when I SIT down, I imediately start thinking about NAPPING. Fuck. It's a damn good thing that my job requires me to walk and stand a lot. I'm fine if I have to deal with people and keep talking and walking and standing and taking photos and all that happy crap, but the moment I STOP, well my body wants to STOP. But to be honest I'm kind of always like that, I have to constantly be doing something to not just fall the fuck asleep... I wonder if it's just me finding the world so damn boreing that makes me so sleepy. Eh, probably my brain cell killing activities from high school and college coming back to haunt me.

ANYWAY... I didn't intend to post about being sleepy, my sloth-like brain or needing some action to not just fall asleep or work and how I'm irritated that I'm not working at this moment and not for another 10 minutes because my appointments are fucked and that's giving me a lot of lag time between which sucks and makes me all tired and BORED! Or even the fact that I've called the numbers of people I have on the Cell Phone (which admittedly is all of 2 people) and both people are too busy to entertain me during this trying time of WAITING, WAITING, WAITING (I hate waiting, you really should see me at an amusement park, I'm psychotic.). Damn you both. Oh yeah... back to what I AM writing about, the club. So the whole day for some people just sucked and didn't go as planned and because I was going to the club with them, it altered my clubbin' plans with them and effectively cock blocked me for the night. Not that I WASN'T already because of Super Absorbency, but hey, I can DREAM. Doesn't really matter anyway, the club kind of sucked last night, the DJ was trying to hard with the mix and it sucked, not a lot of hot men at the club, the only guys looking were the CREEPY ones making me resort to trying to convince the creepy ones that I was with someone's man (it worked). Snazzy Seg was GAWD AWFUL late to the club also. And we didnt' even stay until closing (like usual) or go to Taco Cabana for the After Clubbin' meal. It just didn't seem right, might as well get the car early and head home. I wonder if it my outfit was off and that ruined the VIBE for the night? Hmmm... probably not! But I did opt for the black boots unstead of the cool ho boots... could it be the boots? Could I be insane? Could I just need sleep? Yes, Yes, And YES! So yeah, nothing happened, not horrible night, but not AS PLANNED and damn it! I wanted what was PLANNED!!!

Other Stuff...

Today I glanced at a calender here at work and realized that The High Holy days are near and I didn't even realize it. Oy gevalt! It's a good thing D got me a new Jewish Cookbook the other day! I need to start baking! There goes my diet.

Ah... off to work... finally...

Cookie Porn


I bought a bag of Animal Cookies for my kids today and was SHOCKED! SHOCKED I tell you! By what I found inside. Two cookies fornicating! Obscene i tell you.

Okay... whatever, I'm off to eat my fucking cookie and finish sewing.

Pirate Booty! Arrrgh!


I just picked up the kick ass Pirate Panties at Wally World. Not that I actually NEEDED them but I had to have them and I figured I could spare $3 out of my clubbin' money to have them.

So last night and this morning I had planned to post a long maudlin post about crap in general but luckily for you, the wee one deleted it whilst I was away from the computer. Probably for the best anyway. The only cool thing I said was that somedays I feel like I'm running at breakneck speed with very sharp scissors in my hands... Or at the very least a couple of pencils with very sharp points. And I made a reference to a warning label - Caution: Small objects may pose choking hazard! That made me laugh and think of an exboyfriend of mine and his small object... Although, honestly that really wasn't a choking hazard. No, no, never choked on that for sure. eh.. um... Whatever.

WALLA WORLD WONDERS!

This morning K stayed home. He has a retched migraine. Last night he went to B's for dinner and fucky-suckey and came home feeling ill. I guess it was something he ate.

K has been medicated and is not conscious currently. I took Cabbage Patch with me for a quick trip to Wally World. I figured a trip to Wally World would at least distract me from the weird maudlin mood I was in. On the way to Wally World I got all freaked out because there was a cop and for some reason it got me all panicked that he would pull me over and me and my 4 year old would end up in jail getting coordinating jail-house tat's. I pulled onto a side street as the cop passed me with narry a look and told myself how insane that thought was and cursed PMS and then wondered if I needed to be back on mood altering pharmaceuticals despite what Tom Cruse recommends, then headed on to Wally World for the JOYS of WALLY WORLD! And today it really WAS a joy.

As I mentioned, I was feeling like a bit of a whack-job today. Today was SAMPLE day at Wally World. Which was a complete surprise and delight to me as I love Sample Day at the grocery stores and I had no idea that Wally World did Sample day. The offspring and I sampled tasty French bread and sugary cereal as we shopped and for some reason I felt calm and at peace with the world, I attributed that to the calming, peaceful effects of free CARBS. In the check out line, I somehow got a competent and somewhat friendly Wally World Cashier - and as we all know that RARELY happens, if they are competent they are usually as mean as a sexually frustrated pit bull and if they are friendly they are generally about as smart as a box of rocks. Today I thought for certain I was in for the silent, sullen yet overwhelmingly competent older checker until I pointed out that my tomatoes were supposed to be $.99 a lb. Then it happened... He was totally and completely nice as he fixed the price for my produce! At that point I completely forgave him for his badly positioned, ugly and quite obvious toupee perched upon his head like a flattened opossum clinging to his scalp. I left the store with a smile on my lips and a brand new pair of pirate panties in my bag. On the way home I wondered how it was possible for me to have had such calm and peace from a trip to Wally World but I was thankful. Once home I realized that my sudden mood change and tranquility had nothing to do with shopping and had everything to do with the end of PMS. Yup, two words for my future Super absorbent. *sigh* Club night even.

Cock Blocked

So yeah, I know I just made all the men in the know involuntarily cringe when they read Super absorbent (and you probably did it again just now), sorry 'bout that. Of course this means that I probably won't wear my NEW Pirate Panties tonight to the club. It's not like anyone will be seeing them and come on, they are NEW, this is no time for NEW panties. It also means that my devious plan to seduce previously mentioned friend who I am lamely borrowing DVD's from will now have to be down graded to something much less interesting and sexually satisfying. Maybe I'll ask him out for coffee (or ice cream like Mike suggested)... Or more likely I'll do nothing except borrow more DVD's and kick myself for being such a chicken shit yet again. It also means that I'll have to cancel the wild sex party planned for this weekend - I just hope that if I call and cancel the 2 dozen midgets for the party that I can get my deposit back. Damn it, damn it, damn it. My nearly nonexistent sex life was just starting to look like it might exist again even for a brief moment of extreme and intense activity.

WALLY WORLD MOMENT

(I'm sure you are all happy to have me change the subject from my sex life or my reproductive cycle.) D's man has put her up in a suite at a lovely and expensive hotel. This place rocks, I need to have a big drunken keg party in her suite sometime - kidding, kidding D! You know I'd never do that! (I'd have the big nasty sex party with the 2 dozen midgets and a donkey) Anyway, she's had an issue with getting yogurt. Seems that when she meanders down for her breakfast, there is NEVER any yogurt for her. When she asks the rude girl always tells her they don't have anymore. EVERY DAY. She once sent Toast up to ask for yogurt and the girl politely scurried off to fetch him a carton of yogurt. D watched and noticed that if a male executive type requested yogurt, the rude girl would get him some, but when D asked, she was ALWAYS told there was no more. Today was no different... Except... D had a moment... A moment she and I like to call a Wally World Moment. She went all ghetto and ethnic on Rude Girl's ass and caused a scene that attracted the manager who fetched D some yogurt and promised her it wouldn't happen again (you know he did after she reminded him that Toast prepaid $3,000 a month for 4 months her to stay there and be taken care of). Now she's happy, she got her yogurt and Rude Girl got her walking papers.

Well I better go do stuff now, I need to catch a short nap before I head back to the sewing machine. Hope you enjoyed the update!

Why My Offspring Can Look Forward To Many Years Of Therapy

This was the conversation:

ME: You need a bath, come on, let's get you all clean.
HER: Noooooooooooooooo, I don't like a bath!
Me: Well tough, you need a bath.
HER: Noooooooooooooo! I don't want a bath!
ME: You need a bath.
Her: Why? I don't want a bath!
Me: Well if you don't take a bath you'll smell... and one day dogs will dig a hole and bury you in it because you smell bad.
Her:........ Nooooooooooo! I don't like a bath!

Now I'm weighing my options... in the washing machine and hope she doesn't get motion sickness or just spraying her down with Febreze and Lysol. Or maybe I'll just hang one of those tree shaped car air fresheners around her neck.

Coping Out With A Quiz Day!

Pure Nerd 56 % Nerd, 47% Geek, 30% Dork

For The Record: A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia. A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one. A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions. You scored better than half in Nerd, earning you the title of: Pure Nerd. The times, they are a-changing. It used to be that being exceptionally smart led to being unpopular, which would ultimately lead to picking up all of the traits and tendences associated with the "dork." No-longer. Being smart isn't as socially crippling as it once was, and even more so as you get older: eventually being a Pure Nerd will likely be replaced with the following label: Purely Successful. Congratulations! Also, you might want to check out some of my other tests if you're interested in any of the following: Buffy the Vampire Slayer Professional Wrestling Love & Sexuality America/Politics Thanks Again! -- THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 47% on nerdiness You scored higher than 60% on geekosity You scored higher than 49% on dork points

Link: The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test written by donathos on Ok Cupid

I know, I totally suck (that's why I'm popular - I swallow too!), I have much to write about - clubbing until 3 am, working lots and lots, hanging with D and planning her kick ass Happy Divorce Party for November 14th, funky boots, borrowing DVD's as a ploy to get someone's attention, a friend being arrested at a political protest (Rock on baby!), dinner and a movie and dinner and coffee. AND I still have so much going on. I need more coffee and to figure out how to NOT sleep for the next week or so (don't suggest illegal drugs... I'm not that kind of girl). But right now, I need to get a shower so I can go out to dinner and coffe... then come home to SEW.

3 am Again!

Last night after karaoke I went for coffee with SNAZZYSEG and Porn Star. I should KNOW better than that! I didn't get to bet until 3 am! I swear time just get's sucked away when I'm out with them. cool.

More Ups and Downs Than a Yo-Yo

It's been just weeks since Katrina, since my brother and his wife endured the storm that took everything they had and walked away from their life in the city they loved (well at least Robert loved the city we grew up in). Their safety is certain, their future is not. With only the three small suit cases of belongings they carried and the small amount of federal aid they have received, they have to start over completely. No jobs, no home, no certainty. They borrow space from a relative and are still mostly thankful that they are alive and safe, as are the rest of us.

Now, Rita bears down on the Gulf and heads for Houston. My fears and uncertainty from before are magnified again. My family once again is in the path of a hurricane. All of my sisters are currently in Houston. D is in Houston right now helping our older sister Bunny evacuate her family from the Galveston area to Dallas. I'm relieved that Bunny and her three kids and her husband are on their way to safety and frustrated by the incredible amount of time it is taking (4 hours to get from Galveston to Houston), but mostly relieved and anxious to have D arrive with Bunny and her kids and mostly my Cabbage Patch. My relief is tempered with worry though as my stubborn father refuses to evacuate. He, his wife and my stepsister and her family are going to ride out the storm. He says they won't get much damage if any. I hope he's right.

Anyway, in 24 or so hours I'll have my sister and her family here with me. In my townhouse. All of us. Together. I may need to go shopping... I don't think I have enough booze!

If you can spare kind thoughts, etc., keep my family in them.

And did you know that President Bush refused Cuba's offer to send 1100 doctors with medicine to help after Katrina because "enough American doctors have volunteered"? Shame on him.

Pop Quiz Time!

Thanks to Porn Star, I have more quizes!

You scored as Hot. You are Hot, you scream and are wild, people love doing anything sexual with you. Violent 100% Hot 100% Exciting 75% Wet 75% Awkward 31% Sweet 31% Soft 19% Shy 0% What is your sexual style? created with QuizFarm.com

And this one I had to include for my gaming Geek Friends. Read it and LAUGH!

I Am A: Lawful Good Half-OrcFighter Paladin


Alignment:
Lawful Good characters are the epitome of all that is just and good. They believe in order and governments that work for the benefit of all, and generally do not mind doing direct work to further their beliefs.


Race:
Half-Orcs are a cross between a human and an orc. Generally, this kind of mating does not occur willingly, so half-orcs are almost never raised by a full set of parents. They tend to be less intelligent and attractive than humans, but are generally stronger and hardier. Violence is a part of their nature, and few half-orcs manage to overcome this to follow other professions. They are generally treated with disdain by other races, if not outright hostility.


Primary Class:
Fighters are the warriors. They use weapons to accomplish their goals. This isn't to say that they aren't intelligent, but that they do, in fact, believe that violence is frequently the answer.


Secondary Class:
Paladins are the Holy Warriors. They have been chosen by a God/dess to be their representative on Earth, and must follow the code of that deity, or risk severe penalties. They tend towards being righteous, but not generally to excess.


Deity:
Tyr is the Lawful Good god of justice. He is also known as Tyr Grimjaws, Wounded Tyr, the Maimed God, and Blind Tyr. He appears as a warrior, missing his hand. Followers of Tyr are concerned first and foremost with justice - discovering the truth and punishing the guilty for their crimes. They wear blue and purple robes with a white sash, a white gauntlet on the left hand, and a black gauntlet on the right, to symbolize Tyr's lost hand. Their preferred weapon is the warhammer. Tyr's symbol is a set of scales resting on a warhammer.


Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)

Time For A Coffee Break

Soooooooo... It's 12:34pm and the people to clean my carpet have not arrived. They were supposed to clean the carpet yesterday, but THAT didn't happen. I called the management this morning and was told that the manager would call me back to talk to me about it. I don't know why and I haven't heard from her yet so I'm kind of in a holding pattern. I have a ton of shit to do but am waiting until I have my carpets done to get them going. Yesterday I went out with D so as to make the cleaning of my carpet easy for whoever was to clean them. But... No carpet cleaning happened. Now, the day I had planned to put things back in place and do other things is my day to WAIT and WAIT and WAIT. And... I hate to WAIT.

Okay, enough of that. I'm already doing laundry.

Random thoughts... My mouse is squeaking and I can't get the damn thing off the bottom to clean the ball. Damn it. (Just keep your juvenile geek jokes about mouse balls and all that to yourself)

The Little People were both repulsed and fascinated by hermit crabs yesterday. One of the shops we cruised had a large display with hundreds of hermit crabs. I would pick them up and let them look at them to which I'd get a mixture of ohhhh's and aaaahhh's and screams of terror. Despite this or because of this, they both requested that we purchase a hermit crab as an addition to our little zoo. I debated with the older of the two about how I really wanted to get more gold fish and if we got a hermit crab he'd live in the aquarium and I'd have no fish. It finally came to me saying "We will have to discuss this with your father. He may not WANT a hermit crab in the house." Turns out he DOES NOT want a hermit crab in the house so much to my surprise the subject was dropped. I'll have to take them back to that shop some time though, so I can watch them be fascinated and frightened again. It was funny.

Something different...

How would you like the prestige of having a condom named after you? Ask former President Clinton and former White House Intern Monica Lewinsky as some condom maker in China has decided to name two new models after them. One could only assume these would be condoms for oral sex though. I have to wonder if the Clinton comes in a box that looks like a cigar and the Lewinsky box looks like a blue dress with the tag line "If you are not going to swallow, you might as well save that dress!"

Speaking of things like that... I'm having an odd dilemma. I am at a loss on how to approach a man I'm interested in. Generally this is NOT a problem for me, the phone number written on the panties is a sure fire winner, but I'm looking for something a bit more subtle. And well I'm not so good at subtle. A guy I dated for a while once told me that I have a very SEXUAL presence and others have told me that I give off a strong sexual vibe. Okay yeah whatever, that should make this easy right? No, not so. I mean yeah I do just want to sleep with him, I'm not looking for a 'RELATIONSHIP', just sex. But I still want to be FRIENDS with him. Ya know, FRIENDS with BENEFITS. So, here I am not sure how to negotiate that and not lose a friend. What should I do? Go to his house wearing a slutty outfit, ask to borrow a couple of DVD's and the use of his cock? Ask how his day's been and if he's had any good sex lately and then offer him some? Stop buy and tell him I was just driving by from picking up my Bob's from their 50,000 vibe tune up and I though he might be able to help me take them out for a test drive? Too subtle? I just don't know. (Don't bother asking who it is, I'm not going to tell you - some of you reading know him, others don't. K is the only person I've discussed this with and he's promised to keep it a SECRET under threat of coming home to a room filled with herds of belligerent Angry Albino Sock monkeys in his room.

Okay I really am off to fold laundry now. Bleck.

Post About Nothing

There are no good girls gone wrong, just bad girls found out.
— Mae West
(Thanks for that one Whysper)

Oh my goodness what a weekend. I think I finally recovered from it YESTERDAY. I’ll run through it briefly as to not bore my three loyal readers to absolute tears.

Friday – D drove up to show me her car and take me to Starbucks. After Starbucks she drug me to a store to snag some new club clothes as she concluded that I was greatly lacking in slutty attire. D selected a fabulous outfit for me and then it was back home with Cabbage Patch. Cabbage Patch fell asleep on the couch and was quite miffed about being awoken an hour later so I could dash off and deliver bloomers. Back home, off to the post office, then to pick up K, then drop him and the Tiny Terrorists off at the train station and back home AGAIN! *sheesh* by this time it was 8 pm and I needed a nap but that wasn’t going to happen! I had to get a shower and get my new slutty clothes on with my fabulous ho boots I got for my birthday. Whysper and Shaz got here at 9 pm and we headed to the club to meet up with SNAZZYSEG and Porn Star (who were LATE LATE LATE). It was fun. Nothing happened… do not listen to gossip… NOTHING happened other than dancing… I got home at 3:30 am.

Saturday – Work, work, work, work, work. Work sucked because the weekday person was out most of the week and no one called me to see if I could help out or even to warn me. Someone worked Friday but didn’t do much WORK so I had 10 people who had to be seen RIGHT AWAY, as in before 11 am (check out time) and I didn’t even get to that hospital until 11 am as my 1st hospital was BUSY that day also. I got home late, K left a message that I needed to bring his brief case to the game as he forgot it (oh what a shocker) so I had to call him back and tell him that I’d have to drop it off with someone else to have it taken to him as I had a date with someone I met at the club and would be late to the game if I even showed up at all. After getting dressed I dropped off the brief case on my way to my date. Nothing happened… again, do not listen to gossip… NOTHING happened other than dinner and talking. I left my date fairly early as he had a 5:30 am flight and by this point was WORE OUT utterly and completely. Then I jumped on the toll road because ya know, I love NOTHING better than throwing money out the window. I caught the last part of the game, which was good I would have HATED to miss Captain John’s discovery of K’s comical typo. Hehehe… I know I always get organ and orgasm mixed up when I’m typing. I was back home by 1:30 am.

Sunday – I should have had a nice restful day spent snoozing in bed, but I had to WORK! I would have come home and napped but I had a candle party to go to with Whysper. By the time she messaged to say she was on her way, I was just beat. I sat on the sofa to watch a movie and I fell asleep in the 15 minutes it takes her to get from her place to mine. I just had to stand for most of the candle show because I knew if I got comfortable somewhere I’d be out within seconds. I finally got home after 6:30 pm and after a brief barely coherent conversation with K and the kids I headed to my bed for a NAP.

D in her ride

D's New Ride

Starbucks Needs To Deliver!

Sometimes I have these 'what was I thinking' moments. Actually I have these a lot. This morning I just had to wonder if someone had replaced my normal vitamins with STUPID PILLS. Last night despite the fact that I NEED SLEEP, I stayed up talking to someone until nearly 2 am. doh! Now I CAN and DO run on a lack of sleep on a pretty regular basis (weekends for sure), but I really NEEDED to get to bed on time at the very least since I had to get up at 5:30 am this morning to take K to the train so I can use the car today. So, um... I need intravenous caffeine.

AND as if THAT wasn't enough, this morning after taking K to the train, I went into the kitchen to make the little people breakfast and I heard something skitter on the floor and thought "Oh! That lizard I saw last night in the kitchen must be back." Now, if I hadn't been sleep deprived I probably would have realized that itty bitty lizards generally don't make noise as they skitter across the floor. I looked in the general direction of the noise, hoping to see the lizard and instead saw a cute little charcoal gray fury rodent dash across the floor and under the fridge. My cute little gray gerbil, Hanta. THEN I remembered that YESTERDAY Bea chewed a hole through one of the tunnels. And all I did to remedy this situation was to stick some Duct Tape over the area. So yeah, one of them decided to do some exploring. She's back in her cage and the escape hole has been blocked with something a bit more substantial than Duct Tape.

And to top all that off... I had left over Mexican for breakfast... And now.. I have left-over-Mexican-food heartburn. Ugh. I also let my offspring dress themselves this morning with NO assistance or guidance from me (hey I was tired) and they apparently channeled into their red-neck white-trash genetics that were passed down from me. Super Girl is wearing an orange shirt (bright, Halloween orange), a denim skirt and pink boots. Cabbage Patch has the prize winning outfit of a sleeveless hot pink flowered shirt under a too short denim jumper dress with pink shorts under (for modesty, ya know)that can be seen poking out under the hem of her dress and blue monkey flip-flops. It's a master piece.

Okay, no I'm off to have some cereal and milk sprinkled with a couple of scoops of coffee grounds and take a few No-Doze.

Random Things


How I dislike vaulted ceilings. Last night as I prepared to do some sewing after the Tiny Terrorists finally fell unconscious I discovered that my dining room light had burned out. Damn it. K was already in bed and I was feeling somewhat kind and considerate after my burst of insensitive cicada sparked laughter, so I didn't wake him. I positioned my chair under the light and climbed up only to realized that even standing on my toes on the chair I was still a good foot out of reach of the light. I grumbled and climbed down so squint at my sewing as I tried to do it by the dim light coming from the kitchen. I figured I'd just as K to change the bulb before he went to work this morning. This morning came and K went to work before I could request his assistance. So what did I do? Something I would tell my offspring not to do and would even give them a time out for. I stacked their step stool on my chair and climbed up. Unlike my children, I know my own mortality and can vividly envision my clumsy self tumbling off this precarious position and ending up maimed and embarrassed as I tried to explain to the paramedic why I was stupid enough to climb up on a stool placed on a chair and why there was a sewing machine wedged up my ass. But I needed light. I discovered two things - on it's a great thing to have a bra as that's where I put all the hardware from the light cover and the next time the damn light burns out and K isn't home, I'm just going to hold up one of the Little People to do it for me. It will probably be easier than me climbing up on precariously balanced furniture and hoping not to fall. Vaulted ceilings suck.

NEXT!
how pathetic is this? Today as I waited for the bus to arrive the sky opened up and POURED on me. One of the dads was kind enough to loan me an umbrella while I wait for the bus. On the short walk back home Super Girl and I got totally drenched and she requested hot tea. Being a benevolent parent and not wanting to my child to some day be standing in a bell tower aiming a high powered riffle at people or worse writing her memoirs with several chapters devoted to the painful details of how deprived and neglected she was because of me and how she spent many years and many thousands of dollars on therapy because of it, I said yes. Upon reaching the pantry I was to discover that I had no individual sized regular tea bags. I had Family sized tea bags and several boxes of individual sized green tea bags. Since green tea generally tastes like ass and I only drink it because it's GOOD for me, I figured that two beings who consider Chef Boyardee to be FINE dining and anything that you can get in a from the drive-thru in a colorful bag with a toy to be a well balanced and delightful meal, would NOT want GREEN Tea. I did what any fine parent wanting to avoid the incredible whining and used the LARGE tea bag. Three times. The same tea bag. Hey it was the family size, we are a family!

MORE STUFF!

The other day at lunch with Badra, the waiter dropped the straw as he handed it to cabbage Patch for her chocolate shake. The waiter then said "Oh, let me get another straw." and walked off to get another one. Mind you the straw was in paper so I'm not sure why he needed to get another one. But that is not the funny part, it was the LOOK Cabbage Patch gave the waiter. She's just 4 but she rolled her eyes and looked away from him! Then she sat there with her head on her hand looking severely irritated. I had to look away, it was too funny! I have no idea where she got that from! She's going to be such a bitch when she's grown up.

SOMETHING ELSE!

I'm so excited! A friend is going to come to TRF with me at least once! I can't wait!

AND FINALLY!

D is now the PROUD owner of a brand new black Mercedes. That thing HAS to get better gas mileage than her Expedition and I'm sure she will appreciate paying less than her car payment to fill the damn thing up!

Stolen from Porn Star

You are a Slutcom 4, and um... wow. They look at you. They blink. You pounce. Your room is characterized by a "Now Serving" counter above your bed and a "Take a Number" box outside your door. Anyone who enters your lair is required to be irradiated before leaving. We're talking two people in a night, multiple hook-ups each weekend... dirrty. Take the slutcom litmus test! The slutcom litmus test originated in A Word of Advice.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! As if!! I'm so not at Slutcom 4! Slutcom 3, sure, but not 4!

I'm On The Highway To Hell!




Tonight a very very tired Dame Edana stopped by. As we stood in my door way saying our good-byes, something startled her. At this point I feel it's only fair to tell you that what happend next has damned me to the eternal flames of the deepest depths of hell and all that jazz... well it would if I actually BELIEVED that. ANYWAY... Something startled her and much to my surprise she SCREAMED LIKE A LITTLE GIRL and did the 'OMG!-THERE'S-A-BUG-ON-ME!' dance. (Anyone who knows me well has seen me do both things, usually in that order.) Now the proper reaction from me would be to make sure the offending BUG was gone/dead/nonexistant and to reassure her of that fact. This is a courtesy that MOST people do for me and I appreciate, BUT I did NOT do that. My response was to cover my gapeing pie hole as I doubled over laughing. Yes, yes I showed a great deal of sensitivity and understanding as I LAUGHED. Then I assured her that it wasn't anything until she saw the big ol' cicada and screamed like a little girl again (this time her screams were joined by the screams of the Little People) which of course caused me to LAUGH more and tell them that it was just a cicada. At this point I was forced to remove the above mentioned offending cicada so all three little girls could calm down and stop doing the 'Scary Bug' dance. hehe...

In other bizarre news... Britney Spears had a baby and it MADE the FREAKING NEWS!!!! Honestly, who gives a fuck about the birth of The Spawn of Britney? ESPECIALLY with so many other NEWS WORTHY things going on in the world!!!

Things that irritate... Remember when your mom/grandmother would say to you to 'Close the door, you're letting flies in!' and you'd silently think something like 'Piss off! I am not!'? Well let me tell you, you were and you owe your mom/grandmother a serious appology! Fuck! Why is it that an adult can walk in and not let flies in but one child takes the garbage out and brings in 6 flies with their families???? Unbelievable!

Anyway.. I'm off to finish some things.

Quiz Day!

Because I've been busy, you get to read my quiz results. Lucky you.

You Are Likely a Third Born

At your darkest moments, you feel vulnerable. At work and school, you do best when you're comparing things. When you love someone, you tend to like to please them. In friendship, you are loyal to one person. Your ideal careers are: sales, police officer, newspaper reporter, inventor, poet, and animal trainer. You will leave your mark on the world with inventions, poetry, and inspiration.

The Birth Order Predictor

Quite funny as I am the third child.

What Your Underwear Says About You

You like to think of yourself as innocent, even though you're not! You're comfortable in your own skin - and don't care to impress anyone.

The Underwear Oracle

hehehe... i only think like that when I wear these undies.

You scored as Visual/Spatial. You probably feel at home with the visual arts, maps, charts, and diagrams. You tend to think in images and pictures. You learn best by looking at pictures and slides, watching videos or movies, and visualizing. People like you include sculptors, painters, surgeons and engineers. Visual/Spatial 71% Verbal/Linguistic 68% Interpersonal 68% Bodily/Kinesthetic 61% Intrapersonal 57% Logical/Mathematical 36% Musical/Rhythmic 32% The Rogers Indicator of Multiple Intelligences created with QuizFarm.com

Anyone surprised with these results???

Your Ideal Relationship is Polyamory

You want to have your cake... and everyone else's. Which isn't a bad thing, if everyone else gets to eat too! You're too much of a free spirit to be tied down by a traditional relationship. You think relationships should be open and free, with few restrictions.

What's Your Ideal Relationship?

hehehe.. no comment on that one!

Gay Scouts!

I saw this on another blog and just had to post a link to the GAY MERIT BADGES! My favorite is the Flaming Faggot badge.

Scooby Doo-polooza

Though I completly suck in most parenting areas, I gained status with my offspring yesterday by purchasing (well D did the purchasing) a Scooby Doo DVD. For a mere $5.50 The Little People now own "Over 90 Minutes of Spooktacular Mysteries" with special features, a music video, Interactive Menus, Language Subtitles and Enhanced features for DVD-ROM PC. All together now "ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh". All the offspring care about now is that it's 4 Scooby Doo episodes! I know, I totally rock, they totally forgive me for making them sleep in dog kennels.

Not Enough Coffee...

I'm up way to early... Wanna know what time my alarm went off? 4:30 am! Yes my alarm went off at the G*d forsaken hour of 4:30 am. Not even G*d herself is up this early (no really, it's still rolling to the answering service at 4:30 am). Ya know, the only time I don't really mind being up at that time is when I'm getting home! But anyway.. I'm not. I'm up this early because I have things I need to finish and not enough time. Damn it.

And so far I've had coffee and breakfast and read the comics online. Oh yeah and painted some shoes. YES shoes. For Super Girl. I painted her soes that she bitched about loudly when I bought them because in her words they weren't 'Fashionable'. Brat. So now they have butterflies and flowers on them and pink laces. That's fashion. And she loves them... except they aren't SPARKLEY, that's what she said. BRAT.

Well I'm off to wake the BADGER.

Badger Baby

I've mentioned before how the smaller half of The Tiny Terrorist is an absoulte BADGER in the mornings. We've been late more than once because of the growling and gnashing of teeth. This morning while she laid on the couch grumbling, cursing and burrowing into the cushions, I put this on the computer. I disovered two things, 1) that the cranky little monster will stop bitching and get off the couch to watch it and 2) that both of the little people will watch that for HOW EVER LONG I leave it on. I left it on for 20 minutes just to see how long they would stand in front of the computer staring at it... unbelievable that two beings who collectively have an attention span measured in seconds would watch the Badger Song for so long. This may be the start of a bizarre and enduring morning ritual.