Sequels
I’m convinced that the best reason to have a second child is to experience the differences that come with a second child. Like how when you have just one you think that little one is so amazing and cute and intelligent and amazing and then when you have the second you realize that you kids are only those things to YOU and that most other people think they are one step away from the missing link. Also, the way that becoming a parent can be a humbling experience (i.e. walking around all day long with spit up down your back), the act of becoming a parent to the second power is a humiliating experience (i.e. walking around in the Wal-Mart in your house shoes and rumpled clothes dragging two screaming kids dressed in their stained and ratty Halloween costumes in the middle of December while you search for a bottle of children’s cough syrup and a few hundred boxes of Kleenex). It’s also an amazing learning experience, mostly learning how frighteningly similar preschoolers and schizophrenics are, and this is a magnified experience when you have a second child. Why? Because the first one is always just ‘going through a phase’ and it’s cute, but the second one, well you aren’t fooling yourself anymore and you just sit there going ‘WFT???’ Let me illustrate this with Cabbage Patch’s actions today. She spent most of the day playing with a basket of nail polish. Yes nail polish. She never opened any of the bottles, she just took them all out of the basket and did things with them. She hid them then retrieved them all (at my firm demand), she set them all up in rows then stacked them, she gave them little voices and personalities and made them interact with one another (which was most disturbing as there was a lot of screaming and falling involved), she made them dance and sing and she did this ALL. DAY. LONG. I wasn’t sure if I should laugh or get her some Prozac.
Weird People Make Me Smile
Just a moment ago Kent saw something on my toe and asked me what it was, thinking it was blood and maybe I hurt myself. I said ‘I don’t know.’ Then I added ‘Maybe I killed someone… with my toe.’ And he said ‘Ahhhh.. with Toe Fu.’ I had tears streaming down my face.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Random Thoughts
So we are driving home from the store, Super Girl is asking her dad a million questions on water and finally Super Girl says "So water is good for our brains." and out of the blue Cabbage Patch says "And chicken fingers make you cold!" Crazy child.
So we are driving home from the store, Super Girl is asking her dad a million questions on water and finally Super Girl says "So water is good for our brains." and out of the blue Cabbage Patch says "And chicken fingers make you cold!" Crazy child.
| hmm.. You scored 42 Goodness and 56 Evilness! |
You are more evil then good. If you see a baby, you would probally kick it, but then feel bad. If you had a dollar, you would not give it to a bum, because you just dont care. If you got a high good level, and a low evil level, well... then your a nice balanced person. Fuckin' A. |
My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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| Link: The Are You Evil Test written by frozenspy007 on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test |
Monday, October 24, 2005
Pepto Pastime
Damn whoever it was that thought chili for dinner was SUCH a good idea! Oh, wait… that was at least half my decision. *sigh* I guess I’m just a masochist. Damn my stomach hurts now. But the chili was divine and sublime and a perfect choice for a nice cool fall night. And the cobbler, blackberry cobbler, my favorite cobbler… the only kind of cobbler I like actually. It was good and now my stomach is burning like there’s a bonfire in there as I continually burp chili and cobbler. Ick. I know, you are thinking that is gross and TMI. Well it’s not really, it’s just gross, telling you that I started my period today, not THAT is TMI. (yes I know most of the male readers just cringed and clicked a link on the side just to escape my page and talk of blood loss and cramps, but whatever.)
Random crap in my head…
I’m wearing the softest undershirt made in the history of man. D talked me into getting it and I’m glad I did, it’s a dream. Soft as a cloud and light. It’s also sleeveless so me wearing it today with my black pants gave me a decidedly redneck-trailer-trash look. Oh yeah, the purple bra straps that continued to peak out from the sides added to the effect quite nicely. It’s soft though.
I should never buy toys for the Tiny Terrorists. I should just by toys for the cats and let the offspring play with them. Ever since D bought my cats a scratching post it’s kept the Tiny Terrorists rapt attention like no toy ever has. It’s scary and funny at the same time. I have this fear that the progeny will eventually drive the cats from the scratching post and my sofas will once again be at the mercy of their claws. *sigh* Also I have not gotten used to hearing the cats scratch and not automatically shooing them away from scratching as prior to the scratching post joining the household that noise usually meant that some piece of furniture was being damaged. Now I make the noise and remember the scratching post as I quickly turn and see a curious cat looking at me quizzically as she scratches the post. Maybe I need to start spraying myself with water to break myself of the habit of shooing them when I hear scratching.
Does anyone ‘buff’ their nails anymore? I have this manicure tool and it has a little thingie on it to buff one’s nails and I’m just curious if anyone still does that.
I hate doing the dishes. Yet after an extensive ‘Mexican Standoff’ with K (I can say that since my mother was half Spanish leaving me partly Hispanic and I have 2 wet-back sisters and one wanna-be wet-back sister – I’ll do a whole thing on my family tree some day to explain all that and just to bore the hell out of everyone) I folded and did a freaking load of dishes. I would say that I cursed him with every cup and plate I stacked in the dishwasher but that would be a lie because I was on the phone with D the whole time and I just didn’t have the opportunity to curse him right then. LATER I cursed him when he brought the cobbler I requested (I called specifically to ask for the cobbler) but failed to bring the vanilla ice cream or cool whip to top it with (I specifically sent a telepathic message to him about this, and I’m shocked, SHOCKED I tell you, that he didn’t read my damn mind and get that for me).
I love the monkeys in Madagascar.
I’m off to eat a handful of ant-acids and wait for the hallucinations… or not.
Damn whoever it was that thought chili for dinner was SUCH a good idea! Oh, wait… that was at least half my decision. *sigh* I guess I’m just a masochist. Damn my stomach hurts now. But the chili was divine and sublime and a perfect choice for a nice cool fall night. And the cobbler, blackberry cobbler, my favorite cobbler… the only kind of cobbler I like actually. It was good and now my stomach is burning like there’s a bonfire in there as I continually burp chili and cobbler. Ick. I know, you are thinking that is gross and TMI. Well it’s not really, it’s just gross, telling you that I started my period today, not THAT is TMI. (yes I know most of the male readers just cringed and clicked a link on the side just to escape my page and talk of blood loss and cramps, but whatever.)
Random crap in my head…
I’m wearing the softest undershirt made in the history of man. D talked me into getting it and I’m glad I did, it’s a dream. Soft as a cloud and light. It’s also sleeveless so me wearing it today with my black pants gave me a decidedly redneck-trailer-trash look. Oh yeah, the purple bra straps that continued to peak out from the sides added to the effect quite nicely. It’s soft though.
I should never buy toys for the Tiny Terrorists. I should just by toys for the cats and let the offspring play with them. Ever since D bought my cats a scratching post it’s kept the Tiny Terrorists rapt attention like no toy ever has. It’s scary and funny at the same time. I have this fear that the progeny will eventually drive the cats from the scratching post and my sofas will once again be at the mercy of their claws. *sigh* Also I have not gotten used to hearing the cats scratch and not automatically shooing them away from scratching as prior to the scratching post joining the household that noise usually meant that some piece of furniture was being damaged. Now I make the noise and remember the scratching post as I quickly turn and see a curious cat looking at me quizzically as she scratches the post. Maybe I need to start spraying myself with water to break myself of the habit of shooing them when I hear scratching.
Does anyone ‘buff’ their nails anymore? I have this manicure tool and it has a little thingie on it to buff one’s nails and I’m just curious if anyone still does that.
I hate doing the dishes. Yet after an extensive ‘Mexican Standoff’ with K (I can say that since my mother was half Spanish leaving me partly Hispanic and I have 2 wet-back sisters and one wanna-be wet-back sister – I’ll do a whole thing on my family tree some day to explain all that and just to bore the hell out of everyone) I folded and did a freaking load of dishes. I would say that I cursed him with every cup and plate I stacked in the dishwasher but that would be a lie because I was on the phone with D the whole time and I just didn’t have the opportunity to curse him right then. LATER I cursed him when he brought the cobbler I requested (I called specifically to ask for the cobbler) but failed to bring the vanilla ice cream or cool whip to top it with (I specifically sent a telepathic message to him about this, and I’m shocked, SHOCKED I tell you, that he didn’t read my damn mind and get that for me).
I love the monkeys in Madagascar.
I’m off to eat a handful of ant-acids and wait for the hallucinations… or not.
Just Crap
I just had this exchange (I'm not even going to hide the identity of the person who said it):
ME: I have something I need you to fix
Lerxst: what's that
Lerxst: i don't do vibrator repair
Lerxst: LOL
What a smart ass. Though, I bet a vibrator repair man could make some serious money.
moving on...
Saturday night I went to Petey and The Bear's housewarming party and it was fun. The bra came off and was used in inapropriate ways and then it was compaired to two other bra's that were much larger and could have been used as serving containers for chips and dip. Maybe you ladies could use one of your bras to hold Halloween candy next week. I got home way late and had to get up early for work.More happened, more to tell, but what the fuck, no time right now.
Friday night...
Went to the comedy club with some friends. Had free tickets, told K he could invite some people. What was I thinking??? One of his friends (who is on the weird side as well as the gay side) has the creepiest boyfriend and though he initially wasn't supposed to join us, at the last minute he decided that he HAD to come along. DAMN IT! So Freak Boy joins us and freaks out MY friends, but not too bad, we just stood a safe distance from them, so much so that they got seated FAR from us when the time came and then I had to wave them over, but maybe I shouldn't have and just enjoyed out time far from them. Oh well.
Sunday at work...
In a moment of 'WTF' I decided to pair my cute velor jumper and white shirt with a boots and a pair of fishnet stockings. It was cute. Now what is with people? Why is it that the appearance of my fishnets make people decide I was dressed like a hoochie? Bitches, just jealous that I was looking good and they had to wear nasty scrubs. Actually they all thought I looked cute but they did tease me about the fishnets (i couldn't find the opaque ones).
Finally...
I've chosen my Faire Name. With the help of Mystic I have chosen Fate. I've told some people, just checking to see if people like it and so far most people think for a minute then say "It fits. I like it." So... Fate it is.
Okay, back to work. Go on, you know you don't get paid to read and surf the internet, close all that porn also. Get to work. Oh... wait... I was talking about me going back to work. heh. Go on back to your porn.
I just had this exchange (I'm not even going to hide the identity of the person who said it):
ME: I have something I need you to fix
Lerxst: what's that
Lerxst: i don't do vibrator repair
Lerxst: LOL
What a smart ass. Though, I bet a vibrator repair man could make some serious money.
moving on...
Saturday night I went to Petey and The Bear's housewarming party and it was fun. The bra came off and was used in inapropriate ways and then it was compaired to two other bra's that were much larger and could have been used as serving containers for chips and dip. Maybe you ladies could use one of your bras to hold Halloween candy next week. I got home way late and had to get up early for work.More happened, more to tell, but what the fuck, no time right now.
Friday night...
Went to the comedy club with some friends. Had free tickets, told K he could invite some people. What was I thinking??? One of his friends (who is on the weird side as well as the gay side) has the creepiest boyfriend and though he initially wasn't supposed to join us, at the last minute he decided that he HAD to come along. DAMN IT! So Freak Boy joins us and freaks out MY friends, but not too bad, we just stood a safe distance from them, so much so that they got seated FAR from us when the time came and then I had to wave them over, but maybe I shouldn't have and just enjoyed out time far from them. Oh well.
Sunday at work...
In a moment of 'WTF' I decided to pair my cute velor jumper and white shirt with a boots and a pair of fishnet stockings. It was cute. Now what is with people? Why is it that the appearance of my fishnets make people decide I was dressed like a hoochie? Bitches, just jealous that I was looking good and they had to wear nasty scrubs. Actually they all thought I looked cute but they did tease me about the fishnets (i couldn't find the opaque ones).
Finally...
I've chosen my Faire Name. With the help of Mystic I have chosen Fate. I've told some people, just checking to see if people like it and so far most people think for a minute then say "It fits. I like it." So... Fate it is.
Okay, back to work. Go on, you know you don't get paid to read and surf the internet, close all that porn also. Get to work. Oh... wait... I was talking about me going back to work. heh. Go on back to your porn.
Mindless Crap
Stole off someone else's blog.
1. Name someone with the same birthday as you.Hulk Hogan and Rev. Jerry Falwell. I have no one cool born on my birthday. I even searched online! But that’s okay, it just means that I AM the cool person born on my birthday. :o) (stop rolling your eyes)
2. Where was your first kiss?
hmmmm… that was a long time ago, I honestly can’t remember the ‘first’ kiss, I can remember a LOT of kisses just not ‘THE FIRST’. I must have sucked.
3. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property?Hell no. I’m a seriously law abiding citizen.
4. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex?I have a brother, of course I have. But if you mean a NON sibling type person, no. K alleges that I have, but I have no memory of punching him in the stomach in a fit of rage, I remember THINKING that I would like to punch him in the stomach, but as far as actually do it, I did not. BUT if I did, well he deserved it.
5. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people?Yes, if you count the drunk people in the sparsely populated bar a ‘large number of people’.
6. What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex?
If they have a big cock. Oh wait you mean BEFORE they get undressed, their eyes, their smile and if they have a good sense of humor.
7. What really turns you on?
You mean other than a big cock? Goatees. I love that look on a man. And shaved heads, very, very sexy. And leather, someone who looks GOOD in leather. mmm Just thinking about a hot man with a shaved head, goatee and wearing leather... ohhh that makes me want to go abuse BOB now.
8. What do you order at Starbucks?
Venti caramel frappuchino with an extra shot. 2 if I’m feeling lucky.
9. What is your biggest mistake?
Not saying, sorry that would be rude to mention his name in such a public forum. ;o)
10. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?
Fuck I’m clumsy enough without intentionally doing it!
11. Say something totally random about yourself.
My retainer makes my teeth glow under a black light making me quite the FREAK in the clubs.
12. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
My stupid older relatives used to say I look like Wynonna Judd, but that’s just because we are both fat chicks with long red hair.
13. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows?
All the damn time. I have to make special efforts to watch a ‘Grown Up’ movie. In fact the last time I went to a movie on a date it was to see a kiddy movie (I liked it though).
14. Did you have braces?
Yes. I was nearly 30 and I had them for 4 years. It sucked toward the end.
15. Are you comfortable with your height?
Of course I am! Sometimes it’s fun to be the short one. Well sometimes… but usually I’d just like to not have to look for extra short pants.
16. What is the most romantic thing someone of the opposite sex has done for you?
Getting flowers for no reason has always made me melt.
17. When do you know it’s love?
You just do.
18. Do you speak any other languages?
Obscene hand gestures.
19. Have you ever been to a tanning salon? No, I have never been to a skin cancer salon.
20. What magazines do you read?
Health, sometimes Readers Digest and whatever my sister happens to be finished with.
21. Have you ever ridden in a limo?
Yes I have and nothing compairs to standing up through the sun roof and waving at strangers on the street. If only I had been completely drunk it would have been perfect.
22. Has anyone you were really close to passed away?
Yes.
23. Do you watch mtv?
Nope, it’s a waste of time and I don’t have cable.
24. What’s something that really annoys you?
Stupid people.
25. What’s something you really like?
Sex and chocolate, sometimes together.
26. Do you like Michael Jackson?
Are you kidding?
27. Can you dance?
I think I can.
28. What’s the latest you have ever stayed up?
WHAT? Me stay up? You must be kidding! I’m in bed by 10 pm every night.
29. Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?
Yes, twice.
30. Do you actually read these when other people fill them out?
I do when it’s someone I know.
Stole off someone else's blog.
1. Name someone with the same birthday as you.Hulk Hogan and Rev. Jerry Falwell. I have no one cool born on my birthday. I even searched online! But that’s okay, it just means that I AM the cool person born on my birthday. :o) (stop rolling your eyes)
2. Where was your first kiss?
hmmmm… that was a long time ago, I honestly can’t remember the ‘first’ kiss, I can remember a LOT of kisses just not ‘THE FIRST’. I must have sucked.
3. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property?Hell no. I’m a seriously law abiding citizen.
4. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex?I have a brother, of course I have. But if you mean a NON sibling type person, no. K alleges that I have, but I have no memory of punching him in the stomach in a fit of rage, I remember THINKING that I would like to punch him in the stomach, but as far as actually do it, I did not. BUT if I did, well he deserved it.
5. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people?Yes, if you count the drunk people in the sparsely populated bar a ‘large number of people’.
6. What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex?
If they have a big cock. Oh wait you mean BEFORE they get undressed, their eyes, their smile and if they have a good sense of humor.
7. What really turns you on?
You mean other than a big cock? Goatees. I love that look on a man. And shaved heads, very, very sexy. And leather, someone who looks GOOD in leather. mmm Just thinking about a hot man with a shaved head, goatee and wearing leather... ohhh that makes me want to go abuse BOB now.
8. What do you order at Starbucks?
Venti caramel frappuchino with an extra shot. 2 if I’m feeling lucky.
9. What is your biggest mistake?
Not saying, sorry that would be rude to mention his name in such a public forum. ;o)
10. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?
Fuck I’m clumsy enough without intentionally doing it!
11. Say something totally random about yourself.
My retainer makes my teeth glow under a black light making me quite the FREAK in the clubs.
12. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
My stupid older relatives used to say I look like Wynonna Judd, but that’s just because we are both fat chicks with long red hair.
13. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows?
All the damn time. I have to make special efforts to watch a ‘Grown Up’ movie. In fact the last time I went to a movie on a date it was to see a kiddy movie (I liked it though).
14. Did you have braces?
Yes. I was nearly 30 and I had them for 4 years. It sucked toward the end.
15. Are you comfortable with your height?
Of course I am! Sometimes it’s fun to be the short one. Well sometimes… but usually I’d just like to not have to look for extra short pants.
16. What is the most romantic thing someone of the opposite sex has done for you?
Getting flowers for no reason has always made me melt.
17. When do you know it’s love?
You just do.
18. Do you speak any other languages?
Obscene hand gestures.
19. Have you ever been to a tanning salon? No, I have never been to a skin cancer salon.
20. What magazines do you read?
Health, sometimes Readers Digest and whatever my sister happens to be finished with.
21. Have you ever ridden in a limo?
Yes I have and nothing compairs to standing up through the sun roof and waving at strangers on the street. If only I had been completely drunk it would have been perfect.
22. Has anyone you were really close to passed away?
Yes.
23. Do you watch mtv?
Nope, it’s a waste of time and I don’t have cable.
24. What’s something that really annoys you?
Stupid people.
25. What’s something you really like?
Sex and chocolate, sometimes together.
26. Do you like Michael Jackson?
Are you kidding?
27. Can you dance?
I think I can.
28. What’s the latest you have ever stayed up?
WHAT? Me stay up? You must be kidding! I’m in bed by 10 pm every night.
29. Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?
Yes, twice.
30. Do you actually read these when other people fill them out?
I do when it’s someone I know.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Duck It All!
I like that photo. I took that the other day; it just struck me odd to see the duck balancing on the stick like that.
Luckily sometime over night the demonic presence that had inhabited Super Girl decided to give it up and leave. It’s a good thing; my patience for that whining shit is very short.
Super Girl got her report card today; we met with the teacher for a conference (that’s how you get the first report card at her school). She’s doing fine, needs some work on her conduct (as usual for my hardheaded talkative child)
Anyway… I think I’m boring the shit out of you aren’t I? Sorry, not much going on really, except for me being TIRED all the damn time. It’s insane. I can’t figure out why I’m so tired. Eh, whatever, I’ll get over it.
Since I have nothing new to write, I’ll tell about an incident back from when I was about 7 or 8 years old. Someone made me think of this today and it had me laughing so hard.
For a couple of years while growing up my sister and I would be sentenced to spend summers in Northern Louisiana with our great grandmother. It wasn’t all bad really, just MOSTLY SUCKED. See, our great grandmother lived in Columbia Louisiana a little town. It wasn’t being out in ‘the sticks’ but it was probably the last town before you got to ‘the sticks’ and for two little girls who lived in New Orleans, it was absolutely and positively the most rustic, rural and backwards place to have to endure a summer. Now don’t get me wrong, we LOVED our great grandmother to death. Mamaw was great and she was always so happy to see us. Anytime we arrived, day or night, the table would be set for a feast and just sagging from the sheer weight of the masses of fabulous food she had waiting for us. Most every morning we woke to the smell of hot biscuits fresh from the oven and the table was always set with more jars of jams and preserves that I could count (I was pretty bad at math so don’t be too impressed). But it still remained that she was an old lady and we were two little kids. After the newness of having us around 24/7 wore off (like the next day), D and I would spend most of the day outside playing in the yard. I know that sounds just fabulous and it might have been, except that there were NO other kids around to play with. Not in the houses directly around Mamaw and we were not allowed to roam, so it was just us. Again, not so bad, but for some jacked up reason we never had toys with us. I never remember us having more than one doll each and maybe 5 comic books. And that was all we had for the whole freaking summer. *sigh* It was dead boring, we couldn’t look for other kids, we couldn’t go in the shed (snakes), we couldn’t mess around the rose bushes or fig tree and she didn’t have any pets to play with and we could NOT come back in the house unless it was to go potty or if it was time to eat (seriously). Just the two of us. Oh yeah and mamaw didn’t let us watch television, she only watched on occasion, like the news or He Haw. It was almost a joy to have to go to bed as early as Mamaw would put us to bed (as soon as it started getting dark). As boring as it was, D and I had some of the most memorable times, usually when we were sneaking around and/or breaking the rules.
So here we were in Columbia, day in and day out it was the same damn thing (unless it rained, then we were stuck in the house with the same 5 comic books that we had read on the drive from NO to Columbia and our two dolls and told to BE QUIET as we played under the piano), except on Sundays. Mamaw was a devout Pentacostal woman and we got up at the crack of freaking dawn to get dressed in freshly ironed matching dresses and shiny shoes and drive two hours to her church. Church was boring, boring, boring and painfully so (the pews were so damn hard!). Sleeping was OUT of the question as Mamaw was quick to pinch an arm to wake a slumbering child, and be damned if we had yelled out right there in church, Mamaw herself probably would have personally willed the earth to open up and swallow us rather than be embarrassed by our misbehavior in church. Most mornings on the drive to Church, Mamaw would give us a stern lecture about how we were to sit in the pew quietly during service and we were to behave EVEN when she got up to play the piano. We knew better than to act up, Mamaw swung a mean switch.
The first time we were in church we noticed something odd happen. During a certain part of the sermon people would start waving their hands around in the air and start babbling. Sometimes people would fall over or stuff like that and the preacher would go over and touch them. When we got home after church that first time, D and I could not get changed and out into the yard fast enough. We conferred over this subject for quite a while trying to figure out exactly what was going on and decide that we would wait until next week to see if it happened again. Sure enough it happened again. We conferred again and still didn’t have a good explanation. Another Sunday and it happens again, this week D asks Mamaw what all that babbling and hand waving was about and Mamaw said something about those people being ‘touched by the spirit’. Touched by the spirit, eh? We had no freaking clue what she was talking about but it did look funny. After several meetings on the subject that week, it was decided that one or both of us would be ‘touched’ that coming Sunday during service. Luck was on our side on the Sunday as Mamaw had to play the piano during the whacky phase of church and we were alone in the pew. A front pew. After 5 or 6 people had already started the babbling and hand waving, D smirked at me then closed her eyes raised her hands and started babbling. I had to turn away while she did that, I was far to amused (we had practiced this ‘touched’ babbling in the week leading up to this, and it always made me laugh). As I turned away I was now facing our Mamaw and let me tell you if looks could kill we would have been dead right then. She never missed a note on what she was playing but I had the distinct feeling that we were done for. Knowing that, I threw caution to the wind and mimicked my sister and her babbling. About this time the pastor came over and touched us each on the head, seems he was so impressed that we were so moved by the spirit, then Mamaw joined us in the pew as her song was done and play time was over. Though she smiled sweetly to the Pastor, she shot us the dirtiest “Shut the hell up if you know what’s good for you” looks. And we shut the hell up and sat down. That service was probably one of the SHORTEST one’s ever, and I’m sure we felt that only because we were really really hoping it would last long enough for Mamaw to stop making that really angry looking grimace at us and maybe she would FORGET all this and we wouldn’t be in trouble. Not so. We knew we were done for as we walked to the church door to leave. Mamaw didn’t say a fucking word to us. The silence was scary. D had another bright idea on how to stall, once we made it up to the Pastor to shake hands and thank him for his sermon, D took his hand and shook it vigorously and started talking to him. It was comical. Mamaw didn’t see it as that, she knew what it was and told her we had to move along, it was lunch time after all. In a super bold move, D invited the Pastor to lunch with us! Before Mamaw could thunk her in the back of the head with her song book, the Pastor declined and promised it would happen some other time. Damn.. the stall didn’t work. We walked on to the car. Two criminals headed for death row. Mamaw was silent again as she opened the car door and slid behind the wheel. I slid in to ride bitch and D had the window seat. Now here’s where another really bad thing comes to light about Columbia LA, it’s nowhere, I mean NO-WHERE. So all the roads are like driving out in the boonies, not real populated. When Mamaw was about half way home and we were half way certain we would escape this incident with nary a reprimand the car pulled off the road and came to a stop. Our sweet little great grandmother pulled us both out of the car and beat the daylights out of both of us at the same time, then put us back in the car, warned us not to make a peep the rest of the way home and drove on without even a hair out of place or her nice Sunday dress being wrinkled. That day I may not have felt the spirit move me, but I sure as hell felt her hand against my ass and believe me THAT moved me!
To this day D and I still laugh about that day, we might not have been able to sit straight for the next week, but it sure was funny!
I like that photo. I took that the other day; it just struck me odd to see the duck balancing on the stick like that.
Luckily sometime over night the demonic presence that had inhabited Super Girl decided to give it up and leave. It’s a good thing; my patience for that whining shit is very short.
Super Girl got her report card today; we met with the teacher for a conference (that’s how you get the first report card at her school). She’s doing fine, needs some work on her conduct (as usual for my hardheaded talkative child)
Anyway… I think I’m boring the shit out of you aren’t I? Sorry, not much going on really, except for me being TIRED all the damn time. It’s insane. I can’t figure out why I’m so tired. Eh, whatever, I’ll get over it.
Since I have nothing new to write, I’ll tell about an incident back from when I was about 7 or 8 years old. Someone made me think of this today and it had me laughing so hard.
For a couple of years while growing up my sister and I would be sentenced to spend summers in Northern Louisiana with our great grandmother. It wasn’t all bad really, just MOSTLY SUCKED. See, our great grandmother lived in Columbia Louisiana a little town. It wasn’t being out in ‘the sticks’ but it was probably the last town before you got to ‘the sticks’ and for two little girls who lived in New Orleans, it was absolutely and positively the most rustic, rural and backwards place to have to endure a summer. Now don’t get me wrong, we LOVED our great grandmother to death. Mamaw was great and she was always so happy to see us. Anytime we arrived, day or night, the table would be set for a feast and just sagging from the sheer weight of the masses of fabulous food she had waiting for us. Most every morning we woke to the smell of hot biscuits fresh from the oven and the table was always set with more jars of jams and preserves that I could count (I was pretty bad at math so don’t be too impressed). But it still remained that she was an old lady and we were two little kids. After the newness of having us around 24/7 wore off (like the next day), D and I would spend most of the day outside playing in the yard. I know that sounds just fabulous and it might have been, except that there were NO other kids around to play with. Not in the houses directly around Mamaw and we were not allowed to roam, so it was just us. Again, not so bad, but for some jacked up reason we never had toys with us. I never remember us having more than one doll each and maybe 5 comic books. And that was all we had for the whole freaking summer. *sigh* It was dead boring, we couldn’t look for other kids, we couldn’t go in the shed (snakes), we couldn’t mess around the rose bushes or fig tree and she didn’t have any pets to play with and we could NOT come back in the house unless it was to go potty or if it was time to eat (seriously). Just the two of us. Oh yeah and mamaw didn’t let us watch television, she only watched on occasion, like the news or He Haw. It was almost a joy to have to go to bed as early as Mamaw would put us to bed (as soon as it started getting dark). As boring as it was, D and I had some of the most memorable times, usually when we were sneaking around and/or breaking the rules.
So here we were in Columbia, day in and day out it was the same damn thing (unless it rained, then we were stuck in the house with the same 5 comic books that we had read on the drive from NO to Columbia and our two dolls and told to BE QUIET as we played under the piano), except on Sundays. Mamaw was a devout Pentacostal woman and we got up at the crack of freaking dawn to get dressed in freshly ironed matching dresses and shiny shoes and drive two hours to her church. Church was boring, boring, boring and painfully so (the pews were so damn hard!). Sleeping was OUT of the question as Mamaw was quick to pinch an arm to wake a slumbering child, and be damned if we had yelled out right there in church, Mamaw herself probably would have personally willed the earth to open up and swallow us rather than be embarrassed by our misbehavior in church. Most mornings on the drive to Church, Mamaw would give us a stern lecture about how we were to sit in the pew quietly during service and we were to behave EVEN when she got up to play the piano. We knew better than to act up, Mamaw swung a mean switch.
The first time we were in church we noticed something odd happen. During a certain part of the sermon people would start waving their hands around in the air and start babbling. Sometimes people would fall over or stuff like that and the preacher would go over and touch them. When we got home after church that first time, D and I could not get changed and out into the yard fast enough. We conferred over this subject for quite a while trying to figure out exactly what was going on and decide that we would wait until next week to see if it happened again. Sure enough it happened again. We conferred again and still didn’t have a good explanation. Another Sunday and it happens again, this week D asks Mamaw what all that babbling and hand waving was about and Mamaw said something about those people being ‘touched by the spirit’. Touched by the spirit, eh? We had no freaking clue what she was talking about but it did look funny. After several meetings on the subject that week, it was decided that one or both of us would be ‘touched’ that coming Sunday during service. Luck was on our side on the Sunday as Mamaw had to play the piano during the whacky phase of church and we were alone in the pew. A front pew. After 5 or 6 people had already started the babbling and hand waving, D smirked at me then closed her eyes raised her hands and started babbling. I had to turn away while she did that, I was far to amused (we had practiced this ‘touched’ babbling in the week leading up to this, and it always made me laugh). As I turned away I was now facing our Mamaw and let me tell you if looks could kill we would have been dead right then. She never missed a note on what she was playing but I had the distinct feeling that we were done for. Knowing that, I threw caution to the wind and mimicked my sister and her babbling. About this time the pastor came over and touched us each on the head, seems he was so impressed that we were so moved by the spirit, then Mamaw joined us in the pew as her song was done and play time was over. Though she smiled sweetly to the Pastor, she shot us the dirtiest “Shut the hell up if you know what’s good for you” looks. And we shut the hell up and sat down. That service was probably one of the SHORTEST one’s ever, and I’m sure we felt that only because we were really really hoping it would last long enough for Mamaw to stop making that really angry looking grimace at us and maybe she would FORGET all this and we wouldn’t be in trouble. Not so. We knew we were done for as we walked to the church door to leave. Mamaw didn’t say a fucking word to us. The silence was scary. D had another bright idea on how to stall, once we made it up to the Pastor to shake hands and thank him for his sermon, D took his hand and shook it vigorously and started talking to him. It was comical. Mamaw didn’t see it as that, she knew what it was and told her we had to move along, it was lunch time after all. In a super bold move, D invited the Pastor to lunch with us! Before Mamaw could thunk her in the back of the head with her song book, the Pastor declined and promised it would happen some other time. Damn.. the stall didn’t work. We walked on to the car. Two criminals headed for death row. Mamaw was silent again as she opened the car door and slid behind the wheel. I slid in to ride bitch and D had the window seat. Now here’s where another really bad thing comes to light about Columbia LA, it’s nowhere, I mean NO-WHERE. So all the roads are like driving out in the boonies, not real populated. When Mamaw was about half way home and we were half way certain we would escape this incident with nary a reprimand the car pulled off the road and came to a stop. Our sweet little great grandmother pulled us both out of the car and beat the daylights out of both of us at the same time, then put us back in the car, warned us not to make a peep the rest of the way home and drove on without even a hair out of place or her nice Sunday dress being wrinkled. That day I may not have felt the spirit move me, but I sure as hell felt her hand against my ass and believe me THAT moved me!
To this day D and I still laugh about that day, we might not have been able to sit straight for the next week, but it sure was funny!
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
It’s Like In The Exorcist..
That’s what Super Girl is acting like tonight. UNBELIEVABLE. But… I just don’t feel like relating any of that right now because, well it’s not funny and *whew* I need a drink.
Cabbage Patch has come back to the land of the normal people. Her Whiny Ass Bratitis seems to have cleared up and she’s her cute self.
Our conversations:
Her : I have a Baby Cabbage!
ME: A Cabbage Patch?
Her: Yeah! I have a Cabbage Patch!
I asked her how many toes she had, so she counted them "1-2-3-4-5" on each foot then announces with glee "18 toes!"
I asked her if she was a clown and told her that she had to come over for the clown test to know for sure. She came over and I gave her nose a tweek with a ‘Honk!’ from me. She was tickled as I pronounced her a Clown. She then did the Clown Test on me. Later I told her she needed to see if daddy was a clown and she did the Clown Test on him. It was too cute.
Okay, okay, I know you are about to puke, I’ll stop already. HONK!
It’s Like In The Exorcist..
That’s what Super Girl is acting like tonight. UNBELIEVABLE. But… I just don’t feel like relating any of that right now because, well it’s not funny and *whew* I need a drink.
Cabbage Patch has come back to the land of the normal people. Her Whiny Ass Bratitis seems to have cleared up and she’s her cute self.
Our conversations:
Her : I have a Baby Cabbage!
ME: A Cabbage Patch?
Her: Yeah! I have a Cabbage Patch!
I asked her how many toes she had, so she counted them "1-2-3-4-5" on each foot then announces with glee "18 toes!"
I asked her if she was a clown and told her that she had to come over for the clown test to know for sure. She came over and I gave her nose a tweek with a ‘Honk!’ from me. She was tickled as I pronounced her a Clown. She then did the Clown Test on me. Later I told her she needed to see if daddy was a clown and she did the Clown Test on him. It was too cute.
Okay, okay, I know you are about to puke, I’ll stop already. HONK!
That’s what Super Girl is acting like tonight. UNBELIEVABLE. But… I just don’t feel like relating any of that right now because, well it’s not funny and *whew* I need a drink.
Cabbage Patch has come back to the land of the normal people. Her Whiny Ass Bratitis seems to have cleared up and she’s her cute self.
Our conversations:
Her : I have a Baby Cabbage!
ME: A Cabbage Patch?
Her: Yeah! I have a Cabbage Patch!
I asked her how many toes she had, so she counted them "1-2-3-4-5" on each foot then announces with glee "18 toes!"
I asked her if she was a clown and told her that she had to come over for the clown test to know for sure. She came over and I gave her nose a tweek with a ‘Honk!’ from me. She was tickled as I pronounced her a Clown. She then did the Clown Test on me. Later I told her she needed to see if daddy was a clown and she did the Clown Test on him. It was too cute.
Okay, okay, I know you are about to puke, I’ll stop already. HONK!
It’s Like In The Exorcist..
That’s what Super Girl is acting like tonight. UNBELIEVABLE. But… I just don’t feel like relating any of that right now because, well it’s not funny and *whew* I need a drink.
Cabbage Patch has come back to the land of the normal people. Her Whiny Ass Bratitis seems to have cleared up and she’s her cute self.
Our conversations:
Her : I have a Baby Cabbage!
ME: A Cabbage Patch?
Her: Yeah! I have a Cabbage Patch!
I asked her how many toes she had, so she counted them "1-2-3-4-5" on each foot then announces with glee "18 toes!"
I asked her if she was a clown and told her that she had to come over for the clown test to know for sure. She came over and I gave her nose a tweek with a ‘Honk!’ from me. She was tickled as I pronounced her a Clown. She then did the Clown Test on me. Later I told her she needed to see if daddy was a clown and she did the Clown Test on him. It was too cute.
Okay, okay, I know you are about to puke, I’ll stop already. HONK!
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
P Is For Prozac, That’s Good Enough For Me!
Tonight K said some thing that made me certain that he is less sane than I previously thought. Out of the blue he says “We could move to Kansas” (he does that every so often, I think just to see the look of incredulity on my face or just to start an insane conversation, it’s fun actually). I asked him to tell me why we would move to Kansas and he said something about them homesteading or something like that (I forget really) again which prompted me to ask him what exactly we would do if we moved to Kansas and he says FARM. Yeah, right. I am a city girl. Though I was born in the back woods bumpkinville city of Monroe, LA, my family had one smart thought and that was to get the fuck out of the sticks! I spent my early formative years in New Orleans. D and I saw ‘wild’ animals when we went to the zoo. The only farm like animals we ever had contact with was the horses that pulled the carriages in the quarter. Our only experience with herding was with our grandmother’s scores of cats (which let me tell you, it’s not as hard as people like to say, all you need is a can opener and a can of tuna). I informed K that it was an insane idea since neither of us knows JACK about farming. When he said something about that we could grow things, I pointed out to him that in the 3 years that we’ve lived here and each year I’ve planted tomatoes, that only one year has that plant grown (sprouting late at that so that by NOVEMBER I had to take the whole damn huge pot inside as it still had tiny green tomatoes on it) and despite my Herculean efforts last year I had yet to even see a sprout this year. It seems that the ONLY thing I can grow with any consistency is basil and I really didn’t think we could have a farm devoted entirely to basil. Then he made a joke about free range basil and I there was a market for free range basil. He then jokingly suggested illegal drugs and I had to once again point out my lack of growing skill. The conversation digressed until I pointed out that EVERY SINGLE trip to Kansas had been tainted in some way. The first visit was to visit a college friend of his who was graduating KSU. One night we went to the bar with him and some friends and this PSYCHO HOSE BITCH that Fred (friend) was wanting to fuck. At one point that night me, K and some of Fred’s friends sat at the table while he and she danced and we all discussed how we all wished he would just go ahead and fuck her and get it over with because none of us could fucking stand her. Oh yeah K and I both got into an argument with the bitch when we got back to Fred’s apartment. It was a night to cherish. This was also the trip that K and I got engaged. Lol. The next trip was after we were married, it was for a college reunion of K’s. That one started badly. I contracted salmonella the night before we left – I didn’t realize it though and thought it was just nerves so I kept popping Imodium and chugging Pepto (which only made things oh so much better). The morning we left, we attended the funeral of a dear friend’s husband. As soon as we got to Kansas my allergies were wrecking havoc on me so I took some Benedryl which caused me to fall asleep while at an outdoor concert and dream of the Jell-o dessert we had eaten previously in a living, moving form. The next trip we went to visit Fred and he was hooked up with yet another PSYCHO HOSE BITCH, except this one he was planning to marry. On the second day of our stay I told K we needed to go to the store to get stuff for dinner and informed him that if she was still a completely RUDE bitch, we would get a hotel room for the night. Apparently Fred was a mind reader or he had force fed her a bottle of Midol as she apologized and the rest of the visit was ALMOST pleasant. The final visit to Kansas was for Fred and Bitch’s wedding. Several things went not so good that time, from the ever so classy and tasty rehearsal dinner at the Golden Coral to the tux not fitting K to me being so tired I thought I had mono or something, to feeling as though we were TRAPPED on the Toll road for eternity. It was a horrible drive home. Though that was the day we found out I was expecting Super Girl, right after we got home I peed on the stick just to rule it out when I called the Dr. the next morning. Boy was I wrong. So yeah, Kansas holds no great attraction for me. All visits have been tainted! After my diatribe about the evils (well maybe naughtiness) of Kansas, K concedes that he has never had a desire to live in Kansas. Fucker was just jerking my chain!
Other Things….
Happily Super Girl was back to school today! Woohooooooo! Cabbage Patch on the other hand seems to have contracted a bad case of the Whiny Ass Bratitis. She must have whined 10 out of the 12 hours she was awake and when she wasn’t whining she was adorable but EVER so NEEDY. Yeah, fabulous. I didn’t get much done other than to get her to change out of her jimmies… at 3 pm! BRAT. I have been searching the internet for a place to get the Children’s Chewable Prozacs for her.
Tonight K said some thing that made me certain that he is less sane than I previously thought. Out of the blue he says “We could move to Kansas” (he does that every so often, I think just to see the look of incredulity on my face or just to start an insane conversation, it’s fun actually). I asked him to tell me why we would move to Kansas and he said something about them homesteading or something like that (I forget really) again which prompted me to ask him what exactly we would do if we moved to Kansas and he says FARM. Yeah, right. I am a city girl. Though I was born in the back woods bumpkinville city of Monroe, LA, my family had one smart thought and that was to get the fuck out of the sticks! I spent my early formative years in New Orleans. D and I saw ‘wild’ animals when we went to the zoo. The only farm like animals we ever had contact with was the horses that pulled the carriages in the quarter. Our only experience with herding was with our grandmother’s scores of cats (which let me tell you, it’s not as hard as people like to say, all you need is a can opener and a can of tuna). I informed K that it was an insane idea since neither of us knows JACK about farming. When he said something about that we could grow things, I pointed out to him that in the 3 years that we’ve lived here and each year I’ve planted tomatoes, that only one year has that plant grown (sprouting late at that so that by NOVEMBER I had to take the whole damn huge pot inside as it still had tiny green tomatoes on it) and despite my Herculean efforts last year I had yet to even see a sprout this year. It seems that the ONLY thing I can grow with any consistency is basil and I really didn’t think we could have a farm devoted entirely to basil. Then he made a joke about free range basil and I there was a market for free range basil. He then jokingly suggested illegal drugs and I had to once again point out my lack of growing skill. The conversation digressed until I pointed out that EVERY SINGLE trip to Kansas had been tainted in some way. The first visit was to visit a college friend of his who was graduating KSU. One night we went to the bar with him and some friends and this PSYCHO HOSE BITCH that Fred (friend) was wanting to fuck. At one point that night me, K and some of Fred’s friends sat at the table while he and she danced and we all discussed how we all wished he would just go ahead and fuck her and get it over with because none of us could fucking stand her. Oh yeah K and I both got into an argument with the bitch when we got back to Fred’s apartment. It was a night to cherish. This was also the trip that K and I got engaged. Lol. The next trip was after we were married, it was for a college reunion of K’s. That one started badly. I contracted salmonella the night before we left – I didn’t realize it though and thought it was just nerves so I kept popping Imodium and chugging Pepto (which only made things oh so much better). The morning we left, we attended the funeral of a dear friend’s husband. As soon as we got to Kansas my allergies were wrecking havoc on me so I took some Benedryl which caused me to fall asleep while at an outdoor concert and dream of the Jell-o dessert we had eaten previously in a living, moving form. The next trip we went to visit Fred and he was hooked up with yet another PSYCHO HOSE BITCH, except this one he was planning to marry. On the second day of our stay I told K we needed to go to the store to get stuff for dinner and informed him that if she was still a completely RUDE bitch, we would get a hotel room for the night. Apparently Fred was a mind reader or he had force fed her a bottle of Midol as she apologized and the rest of the visit was ALMOST pleasant. The final visit to Kansas was for Fred and Bitch’s wedding. Several things went not so good that time, from the ever so classy and tasty rehearsal dinner at the Golden Coral to the tux not fitting K to me being so tired I thought I had mono or something, to feeling as though we were TRAPPED on the Toll road for eternity. It was a horrible drive home. Though that was the day we found out I was expecting Super Girl, right after we got home I peed on the stick just to rule it out when I called the Dr. the next morning. Boy was I wrong. So yeah, Kansas holds no great attraction for me. All visits have been tainted! After my diatribe about the evils (well maybe naughtiness) of Kansas, K concedes that he has never had a desire to live in Kansas. Fucker was just jerking my chain!
Other Things….
Happily Super Girl was back to school today! Woohooooooo! Cabbage Patch on the other hand seems to have contracted a bad case of the Whiny Ass Bratitis. She must have whined 10 out of the 12 hours she was awake and when she wasn’t whining she was adorable but EVER so NEEDY. Yeah, fabulous. I didn’t get much done other than to get her to change out of her jimmies… at 3 pm! BRAT. I have been searching the internet for a place to get the Children’s Chewable Prozacs for her.
Monday, October 17, 2005
It’s All Black And White To Me
The Little People can be so funny sometimes. This weekend during Sunday School (K takes them to that cult practice, not me obviously) the question was asked of the 6 year olds as to who was the betrayer of Jesus (and not the guy who works at Taco Bell), our offspring piped up with “Judas”, and what a proud moment it was for K as Super Girl was the only one to know that. But before K could bask in the pride from that answer Super Girl added “And Judas was black.” Suddenly K is mortified by what has just come out of the offsprings mouth and is willing it to jump back in there. K explains that in ‘Jesus Christ Super Star’, one of Super Girl’s favorite musicals on DVD, that Judas is indeed black. I could have peed myself when K told me that yesterday upon returning home with The Little People. I wish I could have seen his face when it happened. I then explained to Super Girl that Judas was not necessarily really a black man, he was just a black actor in ‘Jesus Christ Super Star’ and that he may have been any color at all (if you believe that whole story to begin with).
The other kid…
Tonight while watching a Justice League Unlimited episode, Batman is singing “Am I Blue” and Cabbage Patch says “Nu-uh, he’s in black.” To which it was explained by K that when someone says they are BLUE they mean they are sad, not the color BLUE… unless they are Smurfs (that was added by me)… or cold (addition by Super Girl). I’m sure Cabbage Patch was just wondering if Batman was a Smurf or cold.
Tough Stuff…
Speaking of explaining things to kids (and ruining their precious innocents by giving the truth), today Super Girl was telling me about her trip to the farm and seeing the cows and her experience in milking a cow and seeing the piggies, etc. Something was said by her that made me realize she thought farms were basically petting zoos with BIG animals. I called her over and explained that many of the animals on the farm became FOOD. Cows that aren’t giving milk become BEEF (It’s what’s for dinner!), piggies become PORK and chickens that aren’t there to lay eggs become CHICKEN NUGGETS. I showed her various things online and much to my surprised instead of being upset or vowing to be a vegetarian, she was fine with it. And when I asked her what she would think when she saw the piggies at the farm from now on she said “Pork!” hehehe… Gotta love my kid.
The Little People can be so funny sometimes. This weekend during Sunday School (K takes them to that cult practice, not me obviously) the question was asked of the 6 year olds as to who was the betrayer of Jesus (and not the guy who works at Taco Bell), our offspring piped up with “Judas”, and what a proud moment it was for K as Super Girl was the only one to know that. But before K could bask in the pride from that answer Super Girl added “And Judas was black.” Suddenly K is mortified by what has just come out of the offsprings mouth and is willing it to jump back in there. K explains that in ‘Jesus Christ Super Star’, one of Super Girl’s favorite musicals on DVD, that Judas is indeed black. I could have peed myself when K told me that yesterday upon returning home with The Little People. I wish I could have seen his face when it happened. I then explained to Super Girl that Judas was not necessarily really a black man, he was just a black actor in ‘Jesus Christ Super Star’ and that he may have been any color at all (if you believe that whole story to begin with).
The other kid…
Tonight while watching a Justice League Unlimited episode, Batman is singing “Am I Blue” and Cabbage Patch says “Nu-uh, he’s in black.” To which it was explained by K that when someone says they are BLUE they mean they are sad, not the color BLUE… unless they are Smurfs (that was added by me)… or cold (addition by Super Girl). I’m sure Cabbage Patch was just wondering if Batman was a Smurf or cold.
Tough Stuff…
Speaking of explaining things to kids (and ruining their precious innocents by giving the truth), today Super Girl was telling me about her trip to the farm and seeing the cows and her experience in milking a cow and seeing the piggies, etc. Something was said by her that made me realize she thought farms were basically petting zoos with BIG animals. I called her over and explained that many of the animals on the farm became FOOD. Cows that aren’t giving milk become BEEF (It’s what’s for dinner!), piggies become PORK and chickens that aren’t there to lay eggs become CHICKEN NUGGETS. I showed her various things online and much to my surprised instead of being upset or vowing to be a vegetarian, she was fine with it. And when I asked her what she would think when she saw the piggies at the farm from now on she said “Pork!” hehehe… Gotta love my kid.
Ahhhh… A Day Of Rest
As If!
First I apologize to all who rely on the inane crap written here to entertain them whilst they sit at their desk doing their 8. I have not posted today because of CHILDREN. Today, just to drive me to drink, the school district has mandated a day off. That means that Super Girl has been home all day. And it’s just been magical! And my magical I mean homicidal as in it’s come close to driving me to find a clock tower to hang out in with a high powered rifle and a bag full of ammunition. Really. Quite magical.
This is how my day has gone:
6:15 am
Awake suddenly, look at clock and start to curse K for not waking me or the offspring, THEN remember it’s Super Girl’s day off and we can all sleep in. Shove irritating cat off bed and go back to sleep.
7:03 am
Awake suddenly, shove irritating cat off bed and listen intently for sounds of offspring being awake. Snuggle Brad Pittlow and drift off to sleep.
7:45 am
Awake suddenly and listen carefully for child noises. Satisfied they are still snoozing, shove irritating cat off bed and drift off back to sleep.
8:05 am
Knock irritating cat off bed as I roll over to answer the annoying device making noise next to me, i.e. the phone. Have short discussion with D wherein I grunt the affirmation that I AM STILL sleeping, hang up phone (or drop it on the floor, I don’t remember) and drift off to sleep.
8:20 am
Awake suddenly to the sound of shrieking and someone repeating “Noooooooo! The pink one is mine! Nooooooo!” Watch cat deftly jump out of my way as I move to get out of bed (and shove her off the bed) and walk into living room which now looks like a war zone from the Great Barbie Polly Pockets War with two kids in the middle fighting over a pink bowl filled to the brim with Kix cereal. Growl intimidatingly as I kick dolls out of my way to make a path to the kitchen and mumble something to the offspring about them needing to share and how they could have woke me up so I could make their breakfast and that we’d come to a solution so calm down… or something like that, maybe it was just “Holy Gay Jesus on a pogo stick! What the hell happened with these damn dolls?? Stop your yelling, it’s just a bowl. Why didn’t you wake me? Why are there dolls everywhere? Do I need to throw them all away?? Awwww damn it! Why are there Kix all over the damn kitchen? Could you NOT just wake me up? I could have gotten them down off the top shelf with out you climbing them like a damn lemur. You WILL be picking up every damn one of these Kix AFTER you pick up all the damn Polly Pockets and Barbies and My Little Freaking Pony crap. Now here’s the other pink bowl, go sit down and eat breakfast. NOW.”
8:30 am
Threaten the Tiny Terrorist with certain unmentionable horrible things happening to Polly and company if they don’t get it in gear and pick them up NOW.
8:33 am
Curse the school board for deciding today MUST be a vacation day.
8:35 am
Curse school board for not having year round school.
8:36 am
Inform youngest progeny that if she makes that horrific whining noise again will result in liberal amounts of duct tape being applied to her gaping pie hole.
8:37 am
Hide the duct tape as the mention of my duct taping their mouths shut has stirred the Tiny Terrorist into a frenzy of glee and excitement and begging to be the first to get taped. I swear I didn’t smoke crack while pregnant.
8:40 am
Call D and curse her in three different languages for not taking the Tiny Terrorist for the day, or actually just chat for a while, but I did THINK of cursing her.
9:00 am
Referee the 100th fight that morning and repeat threat from 8:30 am.
10:00 am
After the tidal wave of Barbie/Polly Pockets has been cleaned and the vacuum has been run, the Tiny Terrorists are banished to the bath tub! I sentence thee to a BATH! Actually the love baths, I’ve more than once been tempted to let them take 3 or 4 baths a day just to keep the peace. Peace and relative quiet and two very clean children… but oh, the disaster in the bathroom.
11:00 am
The Tiny Terrorists are bathed and dressed and the living room floor is still clean. I’ve taken the very last of my ‘Happy Pills’ and am eyeing the EMERGENCY BOOZE in the fridge. I’m still in my night gown.
11:30 am
We are up to probably 300 fights between the Little People that have had to be referee’d and at least 6542 whines that I have sampled today. Someone SHOOT ME PLEASE!
Noon
Repeat the threat of 8:30 am before serving a nutricious and delicious lunch of crackers with peanut butter and Nutella and bananas with cups of milk (all served on matching plates and cups so as to not have to hear the bitching of this morning).
12:30 pm
Repeat the threat of 8:30 am.
1:00 pm
The most magical time of the day! NAP TIME! Down a fifth of Jack and pass out on the couch while the Tiny Terrorists watch their NEW Cinderella DVD for the 10th time today.
3:00 pm
Repeat lunch as snack for newly awakened offspring while mumbling chants that they be GOOD the rest of the day.
3:02 pm
Curse every thing in the world because the damn voodoo chant for ‘Good Children’ didn’t fucking work. Where is that damn duct tape.
4:00 pm
Repeat the threat of 8:30 am.
4:30 pm
Realize with glee that K is off work now and headed home therefore eventually freeing me of my current psychotic state of being.
4:35 pm
Wonder why they don’t sell kid sized kennels. I would so own a couple of those.
4:45 pm
Light candles in preparation for a Polly Pockets bonfire.
5:00 pm
Realize that I’m still in my night gown. Fuck it, the day is gone now. All I need is a 40 in a paper bag, fuzzy slippers and rollers to complete this look.
6:00 pm
Where is K?? Death to him who makes me wait!
6:15 pm
Sanity restored… sort of. K is home. The parenthood responsibilities are foisted on him like an anvil from the top of a cliff. Suck it!
6:30 pm
Damn it, the responsibilities of parenthood are back to me. Fuck that. Repeat the threat of 8:30 am.
7:00 pm
Lick the interior of the bottle of ‘Happy Pills’ and hope that’s JUST ENOUGH. Someone make the SCREAMING STOP!! It BURNS! It BURNS!
7:28 pm
Fuck the diet, I’m eating a cheeseburger for dinner.
7:35
Swallow whole a cheese burger and start surfing internet porn while counting down to 8 pm (Tiny Terrorist bed time).
As If!
First I apologize to all who rely on the inane crap written here to entertain them whilst they sit at their desk doing their 8. I have not posted today because of CHILDREN. Today, just to drive me to drink, the school district has mandated a day off. That means that Super Girl has been home all day. And it’s just been magical! And my magical I mean homicidal as in it’s come close to driving me to find a clock tower to hang out in with a high powered rifle and a bag full of ammunition. Really. Quite magical.
This is how my day has gone:
6:15 am
Awake suddenly, look at clock and start to curse K for not waking me or the offspring, THEN remember it’s Super Girl’s day off and we can all sleep in. Shove irritating cat off bed and go back to sleep.
7:03 am
Awake suddenly, shove irritating cat off bed and listen intently for sounds of offspring being awake. Snuggle Brad Pittlow and drift off to sleep.
7:45 am
Awake suddenly and listen carefully for child noises. Satisfied they are still snoozing, shove irritating cat off bed and drift off back to sleep.
8:05 am
Knock irritating cat off bed as I roll over to answer the annoying device making noise next to me, i.e. the phone. Have short discussion with D wherein I grunt the affirmation that I AM STILL sleeping, hang up phone (or drop it on the floor, I don’t remember) and drift off to sleep.
8:20 am
Awake suddenly to the sound of shrieking and someone repeating “Noooooooo! The pink one is mine! Nooooooo!” Watch cat deftly jump out of my way as I move to get out of bed (and shove her off the bed) and walk into living room which now looks like a war zone from the Great Barbie Polly Pockets War with two kids in the middle fighting over a pink bowl filled to the brim with Kix cereal. Growl intimidatingly as I kick dolls out of my way to make a path to the kitchen and mumble something to the offspring about them needing to share and how they could have woke me up so I could make their breakfast and that we’d come to a solution so calm down… or something like that, maybe it was just “Holy Gay Jesus on a pogo stick! What the hell happened with these damn dolls?? Stop your yelling, it’s just a bowl. Why didn’t you wake me? Why are there dolls everywhere? Do I need to throw them all away?? Awwww damn it! Why are there Kix all over the damn kitchen? Could you NOT just wake me up? I could have gotten them down off the top shelf with out you climbing them like a damn lemur. You WILL be picking up every damn one of these Kix AFTER you pick up all the damn Polly Pockets and Barbies and My Little Freaking Pony crap. Now here’s the other pink bowl, go sit down and eat breakfast. NOW.”
8:30 am
Threaten the Tiny Terrorist with certain unmentionable horrible things happening to Polly and company if they don’t get it in gear and pick them up NOW.
8:33 am
Curse the school board for deciding today MUST be a vacation day.
8:35 am
Curse school board for not having year round school.
8:36 am
Inform youngest progeny that if she makes that horrific whining noise again will result in liberal amounts of duct tape being applied to her gaping pie hole.
8:37 am
Hide the duct tape as the mention of my duct taping their mouths shut has stirred the Tiny Terrorist into a frenzy of glee and excitement and begging to be the first to get taped. I swear I didn’t smoke crack while pregnant.
8:40 am
Call D and curse her in three different languages for not taking the Tiny Terrorist for the day, or actually just chat for a while, but I did THINK of cursing her.
9:00 am
Referee the 100th fight that morning and repeat threat from 8:30 am.
10:00 am
After the tidal wave of Barbie/Polly Pockets has been cleaned and the vacuum has been run, the Tiny Terrorists are banished to the bath tub! I sentence thee to a BATH! Actually the love baths, I’ve more than once been tempted to let them take 3 or 4 baths a day just to keep the peace. Peace and relative quiet and two very clean children… but oh, the disaster in the bathroom.
11:00 am
The Tiny Terrorists are bathed and dressed and the living room floor is still clean. I’ve taken the very last of my ‘Happy Pills’ and am eyeing the EMERGENCY BOOZE in the fridge. I’m still in my night gown.
11:30 am
We are up to probably 300 fights between the Little People that have had to be referee’d and at least 6542 whines that I have sampled today. Someone SHOOT ME PLEASE!
Noon
Repeat the threat of 8:30 am before serving a nutricious and delicious lunch of crackers with peanut butter and Nutella and bananas with cups of milk (all served on matching plates and cups so as to not have to hear the bitching of this morning).
12:30 pm
Repeat the threat of 8:30 am.
1:00 pm
The most magical time of the day! NAP TIME! Down a fifth of Jack and pass out on the couch while the Tiny Terrorists watch their NEW Cinderella DVD for the 10th time today.
3:00 pm
Repeat lunch as snack for newly awakened offspring while mumbling chants that they be GOOD the rest of the day.
3:02 pm
Curse every thing in the world because the damn voodoo chant for ‘Good Children’ didn’t fucking work. Where is that damn duct tape.
4:00 pm
Repeat the threat of 8:30 am.
4:30 pm
Realize with glee that K is off work now and headed home therefore eventually freeing me of my current psychotic state of being.
4:35 pm
Wonder why they don’t sell kid sized kennels. I would so own a couple of those.
4:45 pm
Light candles in preparation for a Polly Pockets bonfire.
5:00 pm
Realize that I’m still in my night gown. Fuck it, the day is gone now. All I need is a 40 in a paper bag, fuzzy slippers and rollers to complete this look.
6:00 pm
Where is K?? Death to him who makes me wait!
6:15 pm
Sanity restored… sort of. K is home. The parenthood responsibilities are foisted on him like an anvil from the top of a cliff. Suck it!
6:30 pm
Damn it, the responsibilities of parenthood are back to me. Fuck that. Repeat the threat of 8:30 am.
7:00 pm
Lick the interior of the bottle of ‘Happy Pills’ and hope that’s JUST ENOUGH. Someone make the SCREAMING STOP!! It BURNS! It BURNS!
7:28 pm
Fuck the diet, I’m eating a cheeseburger for dinner.
7:35
Swallow whole a cheese burger and start surfing internet porn while counting down to 8 pm (Tiny Terrorist bed time).
Saturday, October 15, 2005
Saving Ryan's Privates
Over heard recently: Ghetto Mamma: Jerald, are you playing in the dirt?
Ghetto Baby: *shakes head*
Ghetto Mamma: You want me to whop you?
Ghetto Baby: *shakes head again*
Ghetto Mamma: Then go play with yo car and get out the dirt.
DAMN there were a lot of State Troopers out on the road today. I eneded up with two of them driving behind me on the way to work. I tell you it's sights like that that make me feel safer... not really just a little paranoid really.
Over heard recently: Ghetto Mamma: Jerald, are you playing in the dirt?
Ghetto Baby: *shakes head*
Ghetto Mamma: You want me to whop you?
Ghetto Baby: *shakes head again*
Ghetto Mamma: Then go play with yo car and get out the dirt.
DAMN there were a lot of State Troopers out on the road today. I eneded up with two of them driving behind me on the way to work. I tell you it's sights like that that make me feel safer... not really just a little paranoid really.
Friday, October 14, 2005
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Keeping The Fast
Or
Testing My Ever Loving Limits…
Last night in a blur of stupidity I went to karaoke despite my starting of my Yom Kippur fast (yes, yes, I know, karaoke is not exactly a RELIGIOUS activity, so bite me), if not for my promise to Porn Star to ferry her to above mentioned bar activity, I would have stayed home and not eaten with my family. THIS was much more fun though. Upon sitting my ass down at the table, I found myself informing out dear waitress that I would in fact not be having anything… at all... not even water. Upon seeing the raised eyebrows and incredulous look upon her face, I found myself explaining why and promising to tip even though she wouldn’t be serving me. She smiled politely and walked away thinking I’m either crazy or a masochist.
In accordance with the laws of Yom Kippur I shunned my leather shoes in favor of some… er.. non-leather ones. I opted for my very cool black polka-dotted rubber rain boots despite the dry status of the weather. It was a bold choice but a smart one for me… or maybe just a bold one. Anyway, they are so damn cool I may have to wear them every freaking day for the next month. I got many adoring comments (by adoring I mean loud laughter and pointing) for my fashion choice. I also donned a very cool black corduroy cowboy hat – that was just another BOLD fashion choice and had nothing to do with religious law. I look good in hats and it helped to cover my hair that was choosing to look like ASS as I hadn’t put any anti-ASS stuff in it. I was looking good last night… or… not. Slash told me that the shirt I was wearing made me look pregnant. Thank you, thank you, fuck you very much. Nothing makes a lady feel special like hearing that she looks pregnant – well that only applies to ladies who ARE pregnant, the rest of us, well it makes us feel incredibly FAT and homicidal. Now here is where I throw in an apparently little known piece of knowledge – one should NEVER EVER EVER tell a fat chick she looks pregnant unless you have actually SEEN the sonogram photos and heard her proclaim self pregnancy or if you are holding her hand as she huffs and puffs and is in the process of actually squeezing that kid out of her body. I laughed it off – all 5 times he mentioned it and inwardly told him to BURST INTO FLAMES YOU FUCKER. It’s a good thing I was at the beginning of my fast and not towards the end where I’m hungry and cranky and tend to hallucinate and can make a weapon out of just about anything including a gum wrapper (all those episodes of McGuiver have paid off).
Before the evening was over I found myself wanting a drink… of anything… even just water. Damn it! But I didn’t give in. Snazzy Seg arrived and her and Porn Star conspired to torture me by us all going to Café Brazil after karaoke for a hot steaming cup of (nothing for me) coffee and a nice place of (nothing for me) pumpkin pancakes. Fuckers. It all smelled fabulous. The extremely adorable gay waiter remembered us and asked where the other chick was, the crazy one who ordered the fruit last time and I told him that D was busy with her big dicked boyfriend that night and that I would not be ordering ANYTHING at all. Again with the look of contempt from the wait staff, but how could I hold it against him? He’s so damn cute and gay! We laughed, we talked, we had a great time, I finally broke up the fun with a cranky reminder that I HAVE to get up early and it was 1:30 am so let’s pay the damn bill and go home! Truly I was pained to leave our delightfully gay waiter as he and I were bonding as only a flamer and a Patron Saint to The Gay People can. I thanked him for NOTHING and we left, but not before the other delightfully gay waiters commented on my fabulous boots and how he had a skirt that would match them and that he’d bring it for me next week when we noshed there. Rock on.
I dropped off Porn Star and drove home. A rather uneventful drive except for the car being driven by a cute young man no older than 20 who paced me for 10 or so miles trying to get my attention. Being that I’m rather DENSE in these matters I didn’t really realize he was trying to get my attention until right before he exited the highway flashing me a big smile and a peace sign. I tried to imitate his youngster gang sign of friendliness but am quite certain I only came off as an incredible dork. As I drove on home I wondered if he would have paced me so long or flashed me that peace sign if he had known that I’m a 34 year old mother of two, I think not. At any rate it was a nice ego boost and I took it as a sign that the higher power that be was smiling on me.
This morning however was a different story. 6 am came far to early and the fabulous fog outside has rendered my darling hair into a something akin to a Bride of Frankenstein wig that is not in fact a wig but my own real live hair. I also was hungry this morning, really HUNGRY. Most mornings I’m not really HUNGRY, just a little hungry. Damn it. Since I am fasting, I am a wee bit cranky now. Hungry and cranky. I’ve taken my pill and that’s it. My pill and some water to wash it down with. That is permitted. And am I not lucky that the pill says to take with a full glass of water… full pitcher sized glass of water. Um… yeah..
10:25 am
What the hell is wrong with this child???? She’s had a delightful breakfast of cereal and milk yet she’s WHINING about LUNCH already? In a grating, fingernails on chalkboard demon voice I keep hearing “Moooooooommm… Is it lunch time?” Over and over and over. Sheesh… Although… it may just be the voices in my head saying that. The temptation to take more stomach pills just so I can wash it down with a gallon or so of water (and a samich!) is there, but I will hold fast to my fast. Heh.. that was funny. Okay, no it wasn’t even remotely funny, cut me some slack, it hard to be funny when you want a Ho Ho!
11:15 am
Watching the offspring feed the cats a handful of treats has rendered me jealous and bitter. Right then I decided that the cats are also Jewish and dumped their food bowl hissing “No more for you fur bags!” This would be so much easier if I didn’t have a little one around… or food… or water… or if I wasn’t conscious. Darn that motherhood thing making me stay awake!
11:26 am
I’ve concluded that coffee isn’t food at all. It’s a LIFE FORCE ENERGY! Therefore it is not forbidden… and by that we can conclude that Splenda and cream are also permissible. Oh come on! Don’t give me that look! Sniffing the coffee grounds just isn’t doing it for me. Damn it.
Never before has a cheese sandwich looked so delightful. I lovingly made it with just a touch of mustard, cut it into quarters and placed it artfully on the cute blue Ikea plate with a handful of animal crackers and a side of juice. Then I sat and wept as she ate everything but the crust, which for some reason just the sight of them makes me salivate like Pavlov’s dogs. I think I need to go sniff the coffee again.
1:12 pm
I napped with the progeny only to dream of Krispe Kreame donuts – lots of them! I dreamed of watching the “Birth of donuts” at the Krispe Kreame place and being at the end of the line just snatching up the tasty hot fresh pieces of heaven and eating them. I awoke to find myself gnawing on my pillow and my toddler just staring at me with a look of fear. I guess I should be happy I wasn’t dreaming of eating a turkey and awoke to find her arm in my mouth. Back to sniffing the coffee.
3:30 pm
Licking a mint is not actually eating it right? Licking is okay right? Because it’s not actually EATING. I’ve started licking different food items… NOT eating, just licking. Like cheese, cheese is a very lickable food. As is ice and coffee grounds. Yeah, so I’ve been licking the cheese, the ice and the coffee grounds and I’m feeling a little better now. It helps that the sock puppets are keeping me company, not many arguments except for that one on creationism – stupid socks think the big bang has something to do with a washing machine. The only bad thing is that the grating, fingernails on chalkboard demon voice had returned, most surprisingly it’s coming from me now! And the things it’s saying, unbelievable things like “If you don’t give me a lick of that fucking popsicle right this instant I promise you that Polly Pocket is in for a painful and firey death!” or “I don’t care if daddy said it’s wrong to lick the cheese, tell him he’s going to have to stop me himself and hang up the damn phone!” Other than that, it’s going quite well, I feel as though I’ve reached a level of spirituality that I never knew I had… either that or these hallucinations are just really weird.
4:30 pm
Isn’t it sundown yet? Do I have to wait for it to be sundown here? Do non food items count as eating? Can someone make the socks stop talking???? It burns! It burns!!
5:10 pm
I hear an unearthly voice speaking to me. It is telling me to drive to Taco Bell and get 2 of the $10 value meals and eat them both in the car on the 4 block drive home and don’t forget the packets of mild sauce. The socks are talking also, politics and arguing over listening to public radio and the Little People are covered in pastel colored foam. I’m not sure if any of this is real or if I’m just really really hungry and having problems putting my socks on.
5:36 pm
How embarrassing. K just got home and caught me licking the television. Damn that turkey dinner looked realistic! Is it over yet? Isn’t it SUNDOWN yet! WHY on earth would they call it a FAST if it seems to take for ever until you can eat that box of Krispe Kreames?
5:45 pm
6:57 pm… that’s when this will be over. I can eat then. That’s over an hour away!!!! At least the cats are suffering with me…well not really, they are sleeping. Damn CATS!
6:30 pm
I’ve regained much of my sanity and the hallucinations have stopped… at least I think they have. D is on her way over to break the fast with me and maybe bring me a truck load of hot Krispe Kreame donuts. I’ve started about 15 different things cooking in preparation for 6:57 pm
8:30 pm
D and I return from a ‘Quick’ trip to WallyWorld. I have no idea why I didn’t grab a box of Ho Ho’s while in the store, I could have broken my fast right after we ran into Shaz in the frozen foods area. I’m sure she wouldn’t have even blinked as I shoved 6 of them in my mouth, but alas, I didn’t have any with me. Dinner was full of fiber and healthy goodness (vegetarian stuff for D) oh yeah and some Smirnoff Twisted V Raspberry drinks… and a box of Ho Ho’s… and half a pint of Hagen Daz… chocolate milk… pizza… a chili dog… and some mints. I’m about done with the box and the hallucinations are coming back but this time in a good way. Yom Kippur in the hood is done now.
*note: most incidents mentioned above did not happen and are completely fictional as the truth was far too boring.
Or
Testing My Ever Loving Limits…
Last night in a blur of stupidity I went to karaoke despite my starting of my Yom Kippur fast (yes, yes, I know, karaoke is not exactly a RELIGIOUS activity, so bite me), if not for my promise to Porn Star to ferry her to above mentioned bar activity, I would have stayed home and not eaten with my family. THIS was much more fun though. Upon sitting my ass down at the table, I found myself informing out dear waitress that I would in fact not be having anything… at all... not even water. Upon seeing the raised eyebrows and incredulous look upon her face, I found myself explaining why and promising to tip even though she wouldn’t be serving me. She smiled politely and walked away thinking I’m either crazy or a masochist.
In accordance with the laws of Yom Kippur I shunned my leather shoes in favor of some… er.. non-leather ones. I opted for my very cool black polka-dotted rubber rain boots despite the dry status of the weather. It was a bold choice but a smart one for me… or maybe just a bold one. Anyway, they are so damn cool I may have to wear them every freaking day for the next month. I got many adoring comments (by adoring I mean loud laughter and pointing) for my fashion choice. I also donned a very cool black corduroy cowboy hat – that was just another BOLD fashion choice and had nothing to do with religious law. I look good in hats and it helped to cover my hair that was choosing to look like ASS as I hadn’t put any anti-ASS stuff in it. I was looking good last night… or… not. Slash told me that the shirt I was wearing made me look pregnant. Thank you, thank you, fuck you very much. Nothing makes a lady feel special like hearing that she looks pregnant – well that only applies to ladies who ARE pregnant, the rest of us, well it makes us feel incredibly FAT and homicidal. Now here is where I throw in an apparently little known piece of knowledge – one should NEVER EVER EVER tell a fat chick she looks pregnant unless you have actually SEEN the sonogram photos and heard her proclaim self pregnancy or if you are holding her hand as she huffs and puffs and is in the process of actually squeezing that kid out of her body. I laughed it off – all 5 times he mentioned it and inwardly told him to BURST INTO FLAMES YOU FUCKER. It’s a good thing I was at the beginning of my fast and not towards the end where I’m hungry and cranky and tend to hallucinate and can make a weapon out of just about anything including a gum wrapper (all those episodes of McGuiver have paid off).
Before the evening was over I found myself wanting a drink… of anything… even just water. Damn it! But I didn’t give in. Snazzy Seg arrived and her and Porn Star conspired to torture me by us all going to Café Brazil after karaoke for a hot steaming cup of (nothing for me) coffee and a nice place of (nothing for me) pumpkin pancakes. Fuckers. It all smelled fabulous. The extremely adorable gay waiter remembered us and asked where the other chick was, the crazy one who ordered the fruit last time and I told him that D was busy with her big dicked boyfriend that night and that I would not be ordering ANYTHING at all. Again with the look of contempt from the wait staff, but how could I hold it against him? He’s so damn cute and gay! We laughed, we talked, we had a great time, I finally broke up the fun with a cranky reminder that I HAVE to get up early and it was 1:30 am so let’s pay the damn bill and go home! Truly I was pained to leave our delightfully gay waiter as he and I were bonding as only a flamer and a Patron Saint to The Gay People can. I thanked him for NOTHING and we left, but not before the other delightfully gay waiters commented on my fabulous boots and how he had a skirt that would match them and that he’d bring it for me next week when we noshed there. Rock on.
I dropped off Porn Star and drove home. A rather uneventful drive except for the car being driven by a cute young man no older than 20 who paced me for 10 or so miles trying to get my attention. Being that I’m rather DENSE in these matters I didn’t really realize he was trying to get my attention until right before he exited the highway flashing me a big smile and a peace sign. I tried to imitate his youngster gang sign of friendliness but am quite certain I only came off as an incredible dork. As I drove on home I wondered if he would have paced me so long or flashed me that peace sign if he had known that I’m a 34 year old mother of two, I think not. At any rate it was a nice ego boost and I took it as a sign that the higher power that be was smiling on me.
This morning however was a different story. 6 am came far to early and the fabulous fog outside has rendered my darling hair into a something akin to a Bride of Frankenstein wig that is not in fact a wig but my own real live hair. I also was hungry this morning, really HUNGRY. Most mornings I’m not really HUNGRY, just a little hungry. Damn it. Since I am fasting, I am a wee bit cranky now. Hungry and cranky. I’ve taken my pill and that’s it. My pill and some water to wash it down with. That is permitted. And am I not lucky that the pill says to take with a full glass of water… full pitcher sized glass of water. Um… yeah..
10:25 am
What the hell is wrong with this child???? She’s had a delightful breakfast of cereal and milk yet she’s WHINING about LUNCH already? In a grating, fingernails on chalkboard demon voice I keep hearing “Moooooooommm… Is it lunch time?” Over and over and over. Sheesh… Although… it may just be the voices in my head saying that. The temptation to take more stomach pills just so I can wash it down with a gallon or so of water (and a samich!) is there, but I will hold fast to my fast. Heh.. that was funny. Okay, no it wasn’t even remotely funny, cut me some slack, it hard to be funny when you want a Ho Ho!
11:15 am
Watching the offspring feed the cats a handful of treats has rendered me jealous and bitter. Right then I decided that the cats are also Jewish and dumped their food bowl hissing “No more for you fur bags!” This would be so much easier if I didn’t have a little one around… or food… or water… or if I wasn’t conscious. Darn that motherhood thing making me stay awake!
11:26 am
I’ve concluded that coffee isn’t food at all. It’s a LIFE FORCE ENERGY! Therefore it is not forbidden… and by that we can conclude that Splenda and cream are also permissible. Oh come on! Don’t give me that look! Sniffing the coffee grounds just isn’t doing it for me. Damn it.
Never before has a cheese sandwich looked so delightful. I lovingly made it with just a touch of mustard, cut it into quarters and placed it artfully on the cute blue Ikea plate with a handful of animal crackers and a side of juice. Then I sat and wept as she ate everything but the crust, which for some reason just the sight of them makes me salivate like Pavlov’s dogs. I think I need to go sniff the coffee again.
1:12 pm
I napped with the progeny only to dream of Krispe Kreame donuts – lots of them! I dreamed of watching the “Birth of donuts” at the Krispe Kreame place and being at the end of the line just snatching up the tasty hot fresh pieces of heaven and eating them. I awoke to find myself gnawing on my pillow and my toddler just staring at me with a look of fear. I guess I should be happy I wasn’t dreaming of eating a turkey and awoke to find her arm in my mouth. Back to sniffing the coffee.
3:30 pm
Licking a mint is not actually eating it right? Licking is okay right? Because it’s not actually EATING. I’ve started licking different food items… NOT eating, just licking. Like cheese, cheese is a very lickable food. As is ice and coffee grounds. Yeah, so I’ve been licking the cheese, the ice and the coffee grounds and I’m feeling a little better now. It helps that the sock puppets are keeping me company, not many arguments except for that one on creationism – stupid socks think the big bang has something to do with a washing machine. The only bad thing is that the grating, fingernails on chalkboard demon voice had returned, most surprisingly it’s coming from me now! And the things it’s saying, unbelievable things like “If you don’t give me a lick of that fucking popsicle right this instant I promise you that Polly Pocket is in for a painful and firey death!” or “I don’t care if daddy said it’s wrong to lick the cheese, tell him he’s going to have to stop me himself and hang up the damn phone!” Other than that, it’s going quite well, I feel as though I’ve reached a level of spirituality that I never knew I had… either that or these hallucinations are just really weird.
4:30 pm
Isn’t it sundown yet? Do I have to wait for it to be sundown here? Do non food items count as eating? Can someone make the socks stop talking???? It burns! It burns!!
5:10 pm
I hear an unearthly voice speaking to me. It is telling me to drive to Taco Bell and get 2 of the $10 value meals and eat them both in the car on the 4 block drive home and don’t forget the packets of mild sauce. The socks are talking also, politics and arguing over listening to public radio and the Little People are covered in pastel colored foam. I’m not sure if any of this is real or if I’m just really really hungry and having problems putting my socks on.
5:36 pm
How embarrassing. K just got home and caught me licking the television. Damn that turkey dinner looked realistic! Is it over yet? Isn’t it SUNDOWN yet! WHY on earth would they call it a FAST if it seems to take for ever until you can eat that box of Krispe Kreames?
5:45 pm
6:57 pm… that’s when this will be over. I can eat then. That’s over an hour away!!!! At least the cats are suffering with me…well not really, they are sleeping. Damn CATS!
6:30 pm
I’ve regained much of my sanity and the hallucinations have stopped… at least I think they have. D is on her way over to break the fast with me and maybe bring me a truck load of hot Krispe Kreame donuts. I’ve started about 15 different things cooking in preparation for 6:57 pm
8:30 pm
D and I return from a ‘Quick’ trip to WallyWorld. I have no idea why I didn’t grab a box of Ho Ho’s while in the store, I could have broken my fast right after we ran into Shaz in the frozen foods area. I’m sure she wouldn’t have even blinked as I shoved 6 of them in my mouth, but alas, I didn’t have any with me. Dinner was full of fiber and healthy goodness (vegetarian stuff for D) oh yeah and some Smirnoff Twisted V Raspberry drinks… and a box of Ho Ho’s… and half a pint of Hagen Daz… chocolate milk… pizza… a chili dog… and some mints. I’m about done with the box and the hallucinations are coming back but this time in a good way. Yom Kippur in the hood is done now.
*note: most incidents mentioned above did not happen and are completely fictional as the truth was far too boring.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Yom Kippur
Yom Kippur starts tonight at sundown. This is the holiest day of the year, the day spent in prayer, repenting and asking for forgiveness. This is the day our fates for the coming year is sealed, the day we all hope to be '...inscribed and sealed for a good year'.
Because Yom Kippur is the holiest of days, I won't be on IM at all after sundown. If you need me call me, I'll be answering the phone (both) but I won't be reading e-mails. I'll post after sundown tomorrow - I'll have cool photos of a lizard and a frog from today.
If you call, please be aware that I'll be fasting from sundown tonight until sundown tomorrow so I may be a tad on the BITCHY side and I appologize now. I've been trying to eat enough today to make it not so bad tomorrow but ya know, there are only so many Big Mac's a person can eat in one sitting! (kidding about that, just the thought of that is vile!)I can't bathe tomorrow either, so again I might be snippy... and stinky, so you might want to wait until after sundown after I've had a shower - just make sure you bring some Krispe Kream when you visit.
Also in accordance with Yom Kippur, I ask for forgiveness from each and every one of you for anything that I have done that was offensive or mean. Specifically all the "lashon ha-ra" (lit: the evil tongue), i.e. all those times I've muttered 'bitch' under my breath when you walked by, or all the catty comments I've made against you, etc. For that I am sorry and ask your forgiveness. I don't believe I have to get forgiveness from President Bush or any of the political figures I've called Asshats and for that I am thankfull.
And the best part of Yom Kippur is that I can't wear leather shoes! I have a delightfull pair of rubber rain boots I'll be wearing when it is necessary to wear shoes. They are the BOMB!
Seriously, this is an important and holy time for me. I'll be back tomorrow after sundown, hopefully having been written in for a good year. I leave you with a traditional Jewish greeting for this time - L'shanah tovah ("for a good year")This is a shortening of "L'shanah tovah tikatev v'taihatem" (or to women, "L'shanah tovah tikatevi v'taihatemi"), which means "May you be inscribed and sealed for a good year." And I sincerely wish that to all of you.
Yom Kippur starts tonight at sundown. This is the holiest day of the year, the day spent in prayer, repenting and asking for forgiveness. This is the day our fates for the coming year is sealed, the day we all hope to be '...inscribed and sealed for a good year'.
Because Yom Kippur is the holiest of days, I won't be on IM at all after sundown. If you need me call me, I'll be answering the phone (both) but I won't be reading e-mails. I'll post after sundown tomorrow - I'll have cool photos of a lizard and a frog from today.
If you call, please be aware that I'll be fasting from sundown tonight until sundown tomorrow so I may be a tad on the BITCHY side and I appologize now. I've been trying to eat enough today to make it not so bad tomorrow but ya know, there are only so many Big Mac's a person can eat in one sitting! (kidding about that, just the thought of that is vile!)I can't bathe tomorrow either, so again I might be snippy... and stinky, so you might want to wait until after sundown after I've had a shower - just make sure you bring some Krispe Kream when you visit.
Also in accordance with Yom Kippur, I ask for forgiveness from each and every one of you for anything that I have done that was offensive or mean. Specifically all the "lashon ha-ra" (lit: the evil tongue), i.e. all those times I've muttered 'bitch' under my breath when you walked by, or all the catty comments I've made against you, etc. For that I am sorry and ask your forgiveness. I don't believe I have to get forgiveness from President Bush or any of the political figures I've called Asshats and for that I am thankfull.
And the best part of Yom Kippur is that I can't wear leather shoes! I have a delightfull pair of rubber rain boots I'll be wearing when it is necessary to wear shoes. They are the BOMB!
Seriously, this is an important and holy time for me. I'll be back tomorrow after sundown, hopefully having been written in for a good year. I leave you with a traditional Jewish greeting for this time - L'shanah tovah ("for a good year")This is a shortening of "L'shanah tovah tikatev v'taihatem" (or to women, "L'shanah tovah tikatevi v'taihatemi"), which means "May you be inscribed and sealed for a good year." And I sincerely wish that to all of you.
A Cock By Any Other Name Is Still As Hard
Ahhh look, a quiz!
I always knew I was creamy!
Ahhh look, a quiz!
| What kind of individually packaged condiment are you? Korean Air Creamer Though you were manufactured with a very small consumer group in mind, you're unbeatable with that Korean coffee. |
| Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests. |
I always knew I was creamy!
Double Penetration Fun!
What a freaking crazy day! I had to take Cabbage Patch for her 4 year shots - which consisted of three shots. Poor baby! She did so great and didn't shead even a single tear! I got a call later (while I was out) that she needs to come back and get one more. *sigh* When I was int he office, I was told that the last shot could be done later, jsut before she starts school. Well, whatever, I'll just call later.
Something else...
10 Reasons Gay Marriage Should Be Illegal
01) Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning
02) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
03) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
04) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
05) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
06) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.
07) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
08) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.
09) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.
Re-post this if you believe love makes a marriage.
What a freaking crazy day! I had to take Cabbage Patch for her 4 year shots - which consisted of three shots. Poor baby! She did so great and didn't shead even a single tear! I got a call later (while I was out) that she needs to come back and get one more. *sigh* When I was int he office, I was told that the last shot could be done later, jsut before she starts school. Well, whatever, I'll just call later.
Something else...
10 Reasons Gay Marriage Should Be Illegal
01) Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning
02) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
03) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
04) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
05) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
06) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.
07) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
08) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.
09) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.
Re-post this if you believe love makes a marriage.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Seymore Butts House of Ass
Last night I didn’t sleep well, I kept having the strangest dreams! I kept dreaming of a cat party, as in CATS having a wild ass party. With music and dancing and drinking and all. The worst part about it was that I kept waking up and right next to me would be my cat! I’d look at her and think I was still dreaming and I’d fall asleep again dreaming of the damn cat party only to wake again with a cat next to me. No I wasn’t hitting the NyQuil last night. Cats.
Something else..
Conversation from yesterday:
ME: You could leave some Laura Ashley gloves there.
Her: I am NOT wearing some mittens.
ME: They aren’t mittens, they are gloves.
Her: I don’t care. I’m not wearing any stretchy glove, mitten things. No Glittens.
ME: Glittens?
Her: Yes glittens. Gloves and mittens, glittens.
ME: No glittens eh? Hehehe…
Her: You got it.
Last night I didn’t sleep well, I kept having the strangest dreams! I kept dreaming of a cat party, as in CATS having a wild ass party. With music and dancing and drinking and all. The worst part about it was that I kept waking up and right next to me would be my cat! I’d look at her and think I was still dreaming and I’d fall asleep again dreaming of the damn cat party only to wake again with a cat next to me. No I wasn’t hitting the NyQuil last night. Cats.
Something else..
Conversation from yesterday:
ME: You could leave some Laura Ashley gloves there.
Her: I am NOT wearing some mittens.
ME: They aren’t mittens, they are gloves.
Her: I don’t care. I’m not wearing any stretchy glove, mitten things. No Glittens.
ME: Glittens?
Her: Yes glittens. Gloves and mittens, glittens.
ME: No glittens eh? Hehehe…
Her: You got it.
Monday, October 10, 2005
Yank My Doodle, It's A Dandy
So after working all damned day Saturday, I headed home to take a nice long nap. Ahhhh I love an empty house! I woke at 8:30 pm took a shower and debated going to Ben’s until 9 pm when I decided to go. Since I wasn’t sure of my availability of people to lace me into my red corset, I made a change to my garb choice that took 30 minutes for me to dig around and get together. I had to DRIVE myself as Shaz is in Vegas for her American Idol audition and Whysper was at 6 Flags for some company crap. *sigh* I can not believe you people made me DRIVE MYSELF! You know I get LOST! At any rate, karma was on my side that night and I managed to get to Ben’s without even a u-turn.
Bast was there with her amazingly hot boy-toy. He was quite yummy to look at, I may have to abduct him for my own evil purposes some day. It was a pretty small turn out, but still fun. Cindy, Whysper and I got hit on by two drunk frat boys. Shortly before we left, we got the joy of watching frat boys friends get into a screaming match with one of them, she was pissed about having to pay his tab (for 8 half yards!!!) and was yelling about being $20,000 in debt and having already paid her $160 bar tab and tipped $50 so why should she have to pay his tab, yadda, yadda, yadda. Oh shut up! We left after than and Whysper and I headed for an eating establishment for a very early breakfast. The only problem with that was the EVERY ONE ELSE in the DFW area thought of the same thing! We pulled into a Denny’s that’s on the way home and there was NO parking at all. Fuckers. So we kept driving, thinking that we’d see something off the service road on the way but we didn’t and the next thing we knew we were in my city and I led us to IHOP so we could share the Trucker Breakfast (Country Breakfast). But honestly, WTF is up with not having something open in three freaking cities on the way to my house???
Other stuff…
I looked at the offspring just a moment ago and see that she’s sleeping on the sofa with the cat laying on her back. I really should stop the cat from sleeping on the offspring… or stop the kid from sleeping where the cat wants to lay.
Fuck… why am I so tired lately? Don’t say because I’ve been staying out to late because I went to bed before 10 pm last night and I’m tired today! I think maybe I need to double my coffee consumption.
People who put hats on their dogs are just wrong in the head. See for yourself.
Kill Me Now
Someone Help Me!
Now, hat’s on cats, that’s another story.
I WIll KILL You For This
And stickers on Cats - well that's just good clean fun!
DIE!
And Zombie Children...
Brains!
Everyone should have one!
Wait... what was I talkign about... hmmm... off to find more coffee.
So after working all damned day Saturday, I headed home to take a nice long nap. Ahhhh I love an empty house! I woke at 8:30 pm took a shower and debated going to Ben’s until 9 pm when I decided to go. Since I wasn’t sure of my availability of people to lace me into my red corset, I made a change to my garb choice that took 30 minutes for me to dig around and get together. I had to DRIVE myself as Shaz is in Vegas for her American Idol audition and Whysper was at 6 Flags for some company crap. *sigh* I can not believe you people made me DRIVE MYSELF! You know I get LOST! At any rate, karma was on my side that night and I managed to get to Ben’s without even a u-turn.
Bast was there with her amazingly hot boy-toy. He was quite yummy to look at, I may have to abduct him for my own evil purposes some day. It was a pretty small turn out, but still fun. Cindy, Whysper and I got hit on by two drunk frat boys. Shortly before we left, we got the joy of watching frat boys friends get into a screaming match with one of them, she was pissed about having to pay his tab (for 8 half yards!!!) and was yelling about being $20,000 in debt and having already paid her $160 bar tab and tipped $50 so why should she have to pay his tab, yadda, yadda, yadda. Oh shut up! We left after than and Whysper and I headed for an eating establishment for a very early breakfast. The only problem with that was the EVERY ONE ELSE in the DFW area thought of the same thing! We pulled into a Denny’s that’s on the way home and there was NO parking at all. Fuckers. So we kept driving, thinking that we’d see something off the service road on the way but we didn’t and the next thing we knew we were in my city and I led us to IHOP so we could share the Trucker Breakfast (Country Breakfast). But honestly, WTF is up with not having something open in three freaking cities on the way to my house???
Other stuff…
I looked at the offspring just a moment ago and see that she’s sleeping on the sofa with the cat laying on her back. I really should stop the cat from sleeping on the offspring… or stop the kid from sleeping where the cat wants to lay.
Fuck… why am I so tired lately? Don’t say because I’ve been staying out to late because I went to bed before 10 pm last night and I’m tired today! I think maybe I need to double my coffee consumption.
People who put hats on their dogs are just wrong in the head. See for yourself.
Kill Me Now
Someone Help Me!
Now, hat’s on cats, that’s another story.
I WIll KILL You For This
And stickers on Cats - well that's just good clean fun!
DIE!
And Zombie Children...
Brains!
Everyone should have one!
Wait... what was I talkign about... hmmm... off to find more coffee.
Saturday, October 08, 2005
Cock Hungry Co-eds
Last night I went to SCREAMS with friends. It rocked! I mean I didn't get scared in any of the haunted houses, etc., BUT it was sooooooo freaking entertaining to watch Shaz! Shaz was freaked out by SOMETHING in every house or maze. My stomach hurts from laughing so long. Now I'm so very, very disappointed that I could not talk D into going with me! She gets so freaked out by haunted houses and fuck that would have been so damn funny to have HER AND SHAZ freaked out.
Other things...
You people... I think ya'll are more obsessed about DVD Guy than I am (probably not but it sounds good for now). Sable weighed in on the 'grab the crotch' debate and voted for me to NOT grab. Let me just tell you now, it's not likely that I'll grab the crotch... Just not with this guy. SUBTLE, ya know. I'm such a chicken shit I probably won't do a fucking thing about DVD guy.
What else was funny was when Captain John said that The Wife was sitting at the bar drinking and had said that her last drink would be to DVD Guy! HAHAHAHAHA! Apparently several people are trying to figure out WHO DVD Guy is. Well you know what? I'm not going to tell! Hell even if I do make a move on this guy (which is unlikely considering my CHICKEN SHIT factor is VERY high on this subject matter these days) I probably won't tell anyone! Or maybe I will. Who knows. You people are killing me!
Moving on...
Gawd, I could just die. In every room I go in today, everyone is watching the GAME. ICK. I'm so not a football fan. BORING. A significant amount of nurses here at the hospital are wearing scrubs in 'school colors' - vomit. But whatever.
Something different...
Now this is just a puzzling thing. Today whilst waiting for the light to turn green and usher me on to the next stop up ahead, the guy in the snazzy little car next to me was looking at me and smiling at me. While it is very flattering to have some cute stranger (and he was very cute) give me the look, it's somewhat pointless when we are in cars, separated by locked doors and windows. I sped off when the light turned green (I was running late). So WHAT IS the point of flirting with someone in another car??? Just to give them an ego boost? Or are there people who will chase down someone in the car just to get their number? Sounds crazy. Maybe next time instead of just smiling nicely before going back to singing along to my Janice Joplin CD I should just roll my eyes all ghetto style and stick my hand up in the universal "talk to the hand" signal.
Stupid people
Today I overhead one of the nurses in a conversation with someone arguing that ducks can NOT go underwater as they will drown. I had to shake my head at her and tell her that wasn't true. In the time I've lived next to the lake and taken my offspring to FEED the DUCKS, I have on MOST occasions watched ducks dive under the water only to bob back up to the surface unharmed. I've even seen them go under in one area only to pop up a couple of feet away from where they were. Unfortunately I didn't get a chance to explain that to this idiot nurse as I had an appointment to go to.
Okay, back to work for me now.
Last night I went to SCREAMS with friends. It rocked! I mean I didn't get scared in any of the haunted houses, etc., BUT it was sooooooo freaking entertaining to watch Shaz! Shaz was freaked out by SOMETHING in every house or maze. My stomach hurts from laughing so long. Now I'm so very, very disappointed that I could not talk D into going with me! She gets so freaked out by haunted houses and fuck that would have been so damn funny to have HER AND SHAZ freaked out.
Other things...
You people... I think ya'll are more obsessed about DVD Guy than I am (probably not but it sounds good for now). Sable weighed in on the 'grab the crotch' debate and voted for me to NOT grab. Let me just tell you now, it's not likely that I'll grab the crotch... Just not with this guy. SUBTLE, ya know. I'm such a chicken shit I probably won't do a fucking thing about DVD guy.
What else was funny was when Captain John said that The Wife was sitting at the bar drinking and had said that her last drink would be to DVD Guy! HAHAHAHAHA! Apparently several people are trying to figure out WHO DVD Guy is. Well you know what? I'm not going to tell! Hell even if I do make a move on this guy (which is unlikely considering my CHICKEN SHIT factor is VERY high on this subject matter these days) I probably won't tell anyone! Or maybe I will. Who knows. You people are killing me!
Moving on...
Gawd, I could just die. In every room I go in today, everyone is watching the GAME. ICK. I'm so not a football fan. BORING. A significant amount of nurses here at the hospital are wearing scrubs in 'school colors' - vomit. But whatever.
Something different...
Now this is just a puzzling thing. Today whilst waiting for the light to turn green and usher me on to the next stop up ahead, the guy in the snazzy little car next to me was looking at me and smiling at me. While it is very flattering to have some cute stranger (and he was very cute) give me the look, it's somewhat pointless when we are in cars, separated by locked doors and windows. I sped off when the light turned green (I was running late). So WHAT IS the point of flirting with someone in another car??? Just to give them an ego boost? Or are there people who will chase down someone in the car just to get their number? Sounds crazy. Maybe next time instead of just smiling nicely before going back to singing along to my Janice Joplin CD I should just roll my eyes all ghetto style and stick my hand up in the universal "talk to the hand" signal.
Stupid people
Today I overhead one of the nurses in a conversation with someone arguing that ducks can NOT go underwater as they will drown. I had to shake my head at her and tell her that wasn't true. In the time I've lived next to the lake and taken my offspring to FEED the DUCKS, I have on MOST occasions watched ducks dive under the water only to bob back up to the surface unharmed. I've even seen them go under in one area only to pop up a couple of feet away from where they were. Unfortunately I didn't get a chance to explain that to this idiot nurse as I had an appointment to go to.
Okay, back to work for me now.
Friday, October 07, 2005
Teenage Mutant Ninja Dildoes
I almost forgot this... D totally freaked me out when we went to the fair. As we were giving our tickets to the ticket taker person she said "And you have a great day too Rhonda." The girl looked all surprised and said "How did you know my name is Rhonda?" and D said "you just look like a Rhonda." As this was going on, I just smiled and looked to see if Rhonda had a name tag, but she didn't. As we walked away I whispered to D "How'd you know her name was Rhonda?" and she said "She just looked like a Rhonda." We went back and forth for a few minutes before I got it that she DIDN'T read or hear her name on anything but just thought she LOOKED like a Rhonda. It was weird. Now if only she can fine tune that skill to lottery numbers!
How to charm me until I melt...
Fall asleep on the floor with your head on a big stuffed Simba while watching Chicken Run and before you finish your lunch of deviled eggs.
How to irritate me enough to make my head expode...
Wake up from cuteness being SUPER WHINY! Damn! where is my duct tape!
I almost forgot this... D totally freaked me out when we went to the fair. As we were giving our tickets to the ticket taker person she said "And you have a great day too Rhonda." The girl looked all surprised and said "How did you know my name is Rhonda?" and D said "you just look like a Rhonda." As this was going on, I just smiled and looked to see if Rhonda had a name tag, but she didn't. As we walked away I whispered to D "How'd you know her name was Rhonda?" and she said "She just looked like a Rhonda." We went back and forth for a few minutes before I got it that she DIDN'T read or hear her name on anything but just thought she LOOKED like a Rhonda. It was weird. Now if only she can fine tune that skill to lottery numbers!
How to charm me until I melt...
Fall asleep on the floor with your head on a big stuffed Simba while watching Chicken Run and before you finish your lunch of deviled eggs.
How to irritate me enough to make my head expode...
Wake up from cuteness being SUPER WHINY! Damn! where is my duct tape!
Deep Oral Girls
You people, *tisk* *tisk* *tisk* I am shocked that my situation with DVD Guy has gotten so much attention. The hits on my site DOUBLED yesterday! DOUBLED! AND the suggestions on what to do to bag DVD Guy, well they doubled also (perverts, most of you are still stuck on me grabbing this guys cock... but, ya know... the more I hear it, the more I like that one).
My dear, recently sheared friend Mike called last night under the guise of just chatting but really just to see if he could guess who DVD Guy is. He guessed it was Mansicle Neighbor and I told him NO, if it HAD of been Mansicle Neighbor I would have been over there to borrow a cup of cock LONG before now... that is if he DIDN'T have a freaking wife (one who was just waiting to hear of her start date for the FBI so you know this woman knows of at least 600 ways that she could kill me with a popsicle stick). But NO it's not Mansicle Neighbor (damn it!). Mike kindly offered to go tell DVD Guy if I needed him to. hehehe... I'm considering it. ;o)
Of course he's the only person not suggesting I grab DVD Guy's cock but he did say that since DVD Guy is a GUY he's utterly oblivious and I'm going to have to actually do something. *sigh* Then he said some shit about how cute it was that I got all tongue tied over this guy. Yeah, whatever.
Kids...
Yesterday I had this conversation with Cabbage Patch:
ME: You need to get dressed.
Her: Nooooooooooooo! I wanna stay NAKED! (runs around in circles)
ME: Well you could at least turn your underware around so it's not on backwards.
Her: Nooooooo! I NAKED! (runs upstairs flapping like a bird)
The naked thing was in the afternoon after a morning of her wearing a cheesy cheap Halloween Princess costume complete with a crown.
Oh, and the title.. it obviously has nothing to do with this post. It's the title of some porn movie, I think I'll use porn titles for my posts titles for a while.
Anyway, I need to go drink several more cups of coffee.
You people, *tisk* *tisk* *tisk* I am shocked that my situation with DVD Guy has gotten so much attention. The hits on my site DOUBLED yesterday! DOUBLED! AND the suggestions on what to do to bag DVD Guy, well they doubled also (perverts, most of you are still stuck on me grabbing this guys cock... but, ya know... the more I hear it, the more I like that one).
My dear, recently sheared friend Mike called last night under the guise of just chatting but really just to see if he could guess who DVD Guy is. He guessed it was Mansicle Neighbor and I told him NO, if it HAD of been Mansicle Neighbor I would have been over there to borrow a cup of cock LONG before now... that is if he DIDN'T have a freaking wife (one who was just waiting to hear of her start date for the FBI so you know this woman knows of at least 600 ways that she could kill me with a popsicle stick). But NO it's not Mansicle Neighbor (damn it!). Mike kindly offered to go tell DVD Guy if I needed him to. hehehe... I'm considering it. ;o)
Of course he's the only person not suggesting I grab DVD Guy's cock but he did say that since DVD Guy is a GUY he's utterly oblivious and I'm going to have to actually do something. *sigh* Then he said some shit about how cute it was that I got all tongue tied over this guy. Yeah, whatever.
Kids...
Yesterday I had this conversation with Cabbage Patch:
ME: You need to get dressed.
Her: Nooooooooooooo! I wanna stay NAKED! (runs around in circles)
ME: Well you could at least turn your underware around so it's not on backwards.
Her: Nooooooo! I NAKED! (runs upstairs flapping like a bird)
The naked thing was in the afternoon after a morning of her wearing a cheesy cheap Halloween Princess costume complete with a crown.
Oh, and the title.. it obviously has nothing to do with this post. It's the title of some porn movie, I think I'll use porn titles for my posts titles for a while.
Anyway, I need to go drink several more cups of coffee.
Quiz Shit!
Hmmm... K i don't think that's gonna qualify you for the toaster oven.
| 3 Congratulations! You scored 54%! |
| Equally heterosexual and Homosexual. You are one of the few people who could be truely bisexual. Most people who are bisexual tend to lean more towards the men or the women. You could also consider yourself pansexual. Yay for equality. |
My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:
|
| Link: The How gay or straight are you? Test written by PunkRockBitch on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test |
Hmmm... K i don't think that's gonna qualify you for the toaster oven.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Random Photos From the Fair
Now, Everyone Together, HELL!
The Little People really were thinking it was HELL by that time. The line just WASN'T MOVING!
Did Someone Say Heifer?
MOOOOO!
I Don't Think That's The Way To Oz!
D! I said ASK for directions from the Scarcrow! You are going to get us throw out of OZ!
Hanging With Some Bears Who Aren't Their Daddy and His Boyfriend!
Not sure what's up with the EVIL ORANGE cast of the photos, but it's COOL!
Just Shoot Me Now!
I think that's what she actually said! hehe...
What The Hell???
THis is the elevator thingie at the train station.
Now, Everyone Together, HELL!
The Little People really were thinking it was HELL by that time. The line just WASN'T MOVING!
Did Someone Say Heifer?
MOOOOO!
I Don't Think That's The Way To Oz!
D! I said ASK for directions from the Scarcrow! You are going to get us throw out of OZ!
Hanging With Some Bears Who Aren't Their Daddy and His Boyfriend!
Not sure what's up with the EVIL ORANGE cast of the photos, but it's COOL!
Just Shoot Me Now!
I think that's what she actually said! hehe...
What The Hell???
THis is the elevator thingie at the train station.
DVD Guy Update
I figured that I should just post about this since it’s THE question to be asked lately. Everybody wants to know what’s up with that… or really what’s wrong with me and why can’t I just ask this guy out. The answer to all the questions is the same I AM A WORLD CLASS DORK!!! If you have EVER had a doubt, please doubt no more.
That’s it, that’s all it is. I am such a dork. I completely lost my conversation item when I returned the DVD’s and didn’t borrow more. NOW for some jacked up reason I can’t just call and ask to borrow more or for GAWD SAKES just ASK this man out to coffee and a blow job. Kidding, just kidding about that – I’d just ask about the coffee. So now… nothing. I have no clue what to do. I’ve had several suggestions from many many people, most involve me asking him out to coffee or something and me grabbing his crotch. Let me correct that, MOST suggest that I ask him out to coffee and ALL have suggested I grab his crotch. What’s up with that? Did I not tell you people earlier that I’m trying to be SUBTLE? And how exactly is my hand groping his cock subtle? I have to agree that it WOULD get the message that I’m interested conveyed to this man rather quickly, but it’s not SUBTLE. Not in the least. And I know NOT SUBTLE because that is exactly how I usually am.
So what’s my problem this time? I generally don’t have a problem telling a man that I find him attractive enough that I need to carry extra undies to change into when I know he’ll be around, but I can’t tell this guy I’d like to go out with him. I’ve lost my freaking mind, that’s all. I get close to telling him and then I just clam up. My palms get all sweaty and I start to babble about stupid shit (which really is not so different from a normal conversation with me, I think I just talk faster and look nervous this time). Then, then, this is the worst part, my fucking brain shuts off and I have nothing to say! And there’s an AKWARD silence that leads to me finally saying something inane and off track like asking about the weather for GAWD sakes or asking about his DAMN PET!!! HIS DAMN PET!!! How STOOPID can I get?? (don’t answer that, it’s just a rhetorical question) You have no idea how many times I’ve gotten thisclose to asking DVD Guy out (asking out or propositioning). I find this whole situation as unbelievable and ridiculous as many of you do. I’m not a shy person, I don’t have issues with approaching people, I have been known to discuss my preference for electronic sexual aids and have been known on more than one occasion to have a vibrator in my purse! Hell I’ve even taken a BOB for payment before.
So yeah, I’m a CHICKEN SHIT. Here’s my final move, here on the blog – DVD Guy, I’d like to know if it’s okay if I come over to borrow some DVD’s, we can have some coffee and I’ll grab your crotch. Don’t worry I’ll bring the party favors, I just got a box of 36 condoms and case of batteries, I’d like to run through at least of half of both before the weekend is up. So what do you say? And don’t worry if you don’t really like coffee, we can work around that.
Yes, that is LAME, YES that is just SUPER DORKY, YES I SUCK (did you read that DVD Guy?). Nope, he doesn’t read the blog, at least I don’t think he does. I’m just going to have to let this one go for now.
I figured that I should just post about this since it’s THE question to be asked lately. Everybody wants to know what’s up with that… or really what’s wrong with me and why can’t I just ask this guy out. The answer to all the questions is the same I AM A WORLD CLASS DORK!!! If you have EVER had a doubt, please doubt no more.
That’s it, that’s all it is. I am such a dork. I completely lost my conversation item when I returned the DVD’s and didn’t borrow more. NOW for some jacked up reason I can’t just call and ask to borrow more or for GAWD SAKES just ASK this man out to coffee and a blow job. Kidding, just kidding about that – I’d just ask about the coffee. So now… nothing. I have no clue what to do. I’ve had several suggestions from many many people, most involve me asking him out to coffee or something and me grabbing his crotch. Let me correct that, MOST suggest that I ask him out to coffee and ALL have suggested I grab his crotch. What’s up with that? Did I not tell you people earlier that I’m trying to be SUBTLE? And how exactly is my hand groping his cock subtle? I have to agree that it WOULD get the message that I’m interested conveyed to this man rather quickly, but it’s not SUBTLE. Not in the least. And I know NOT SUBTLE because that is exactly how I usually am.
So what’s my problem this time? I generally don’t have a problem telling a man that I find him attractive enough that I need to carry extra undies to change into when I know he’ll be around, but I can’t tell this guy I’d like to go out with him. I’ve lost my freaking mind, that’s all. I get close to telling him and then I just clam up. My palms get all sweaty and I start to babble about stupid shit (which really is not so different from a normal conversation with me, I think I just talk faster and look nervous this time). Then, then, this is the worst part, my fucking brain shuts off and I have nothing to say! And there’s an AKWARD silence that leads to me finally saying something inane and off track like asking about the weather for GAWD sakes or asking about his DAMN PET!!! HIS DAMN PET!!! How STOOPID can I get?? (don’t answer that, it’s just a rhetorical question) You have no idea how many times I’ve gotten thisclose to asking DVD Guy out (asking out or propositioning). I find this whole situation as unbelievable and ridiculous as many of you do. I’m not a shy person, I don’t have issues with approaching people, I have been known to discuss my preference for electronic sexual aids and have been known on more than one occasion to have a vibrator in my purse! Hell I’ve even taken a BOB for payment before.
So yeah, I’m a CHICKEN SHIT. Here’s my final move, here on the blog – DVD Guy, I’d like to know if it’s okay if I come over to borrow some DVD’s, we can have some coffee and I’ll grab your crotch. Don’t worry I’ll bring the party favors, I just got a box of 36 condoms and case of batteries, I’d like to run through at least of half of both before the weekend is up. So what do you say? And don’t worry if you don’t really like coffee, we can work around that.
Yes, that is LAME, YES that is just SUPER DORKY, YES I SUCK (did you read that DVD Guy?). Nope, he doesn’t read the blog, at least I don’t think he does. I’m just going to have to let this one go for now.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
From The 'Ain't That A Bitch' File
The cooling fan on my desktop PC (the one I use the most)is dieing. It will work for a bit then it stops and the alarm on the computer goes off, so I have to turn it off and restarts... or just go to Lappy (lap top)which is okay for the most part except that I've managed to misplace my wireless mouse for Lappy (the battery died and I replaced it, now it's gone... probaby in the sofa cushion or something).
something else...
The stupid kids toys at Whataburger are absolutly stupid right now (I don't get this shit for the Tiny Terrorists, but their father does in leiu of actual cooking). They are little orange or blue cones that look like trafic cones. Small kid sized trafic cones. I'd like to know who sat down and said "Ya know, I bet kids would LOVE to play with little bitty trafic cones!" Someone in their coporate offices needs to put the crack pipe down.
More something else...
Cabbage Patch is watching Elmo's World (i.e. the most irritating show on the planet at this moment) and she just gasped and said "Elmo said a bad word!" when I asked what he said (because I was imagining that maybe that little red monster accidentally let the F-bomb drop and I needed to rewind the tape, she said that he said 'sit down'. I swear I did not smoke crack when I was pregnant with her!
That's all for now.. I need to do the dishes since it's apparent that my maid has either died or abandoned me.
The cooling fan on my desktop PC (the one I use the most)is dieing. It will work for a bit then it stops and the alarm on the computer goes off, so I have to turn it off and restarts... or just go to Lappy (lap top)which is okay for the most part except that I've managed to misplace my wireless mouse for Lappy (the battery died and I replaced it, now it's gone... probaby in the sofa cushion or something).
something else...
The stupid kids toys at Whataburger are absolutly stupid right now (I don't get this shit for the Tiny Terrorists, but their father does in leiu of actual cooking). They are little orange or blue cones that look like trafic cones. Small kid sized trafic cones. I'd like to know who sat down and said "Ya know, I bet kids would LOVE to play with little bitty trafic cones!" Someone in their coporate offices needs to put the crack pipe down.
More something else...
Cabbage Patch is watching Elmo's World (i.e. the most irritating show on the planet at this moment) and she just gasped and said "Elmo said a bad word!" when I asked what he said (because I was imagining that maybe that little red monster accidentally let the F-bomb drop and I needed to rewind the tape, she said that he said 'sit down'. I swear I did not smoke crack when I was pregnant with her!
That's all for now.. I need to do the dishes since it's apparent that my maid has either died or abandoned me.
Insert Witty Title Here
Damn I’ve been busy… and not so busy, but just away from the freaking computer. So here’s a quick recap of my weekend in random order.
I’ve already talked about the trip to the club with Porn Star, so… go re-read that post if you need it.
Operation DVD is just an absolute BUST. I shall re-name it to Operation Judy Is A Chicken Shit. I returned the DVD’s with the intent of borrowing more and doing a little flirting then borrowing more just so I’d have an excuse to go over there. What I did was return the DVD’s and babble like an IDIOT and THEN be too much of a chicken shit to borrow more or to even flirt. I might as well have stuck my finger up my nose and drooled down my chin, I was being such a ‘Tard. The next day I was discussing it all with K and saying how it was giving me bad déjà vu to early high school days and having a crush on a certain guy and that in light of that I probably needed to have one of my girl friends go up and tell DVD guy that I ‘like’ him or better yet, I need to write his name encircled with a heart on my book cover then giggle and blush if he sees it. Tonight a guy friend of mine suggested that I take a direct approach and ask the guy out to lunch then slip my hand in his lap to ‘check out the package’, when I suggested that I ask him to lunch then slip my panties into his lap he told me that was far to subtle and would get me nowhere. Hehehe… I know he’s right! I’ve done the hand in the lap thing before (and it’s worked just fine), but I just CAN’T do that with DVD guy! I mean doing it on a date just moves things along a little quicker – it’s a great way to skip boring conversation and get right to the naked twister game – and it’s easy to do then, I mean if I’m on a date, I kind of KNOW that this guy is INTO me and baring a serious case of morals and ethics, his purpose is the naked twister game. I’m just not sure with DVD guy, he may not want to play naked twister with me (as hard as that is to believe) and he might just be OFFENDED by my blatant and unabashed groping. Then again, he might just be a GUY and he hasn’t yet figured out that I’m HITTING on him (albeit in a VERY VERY LAME way). Maybe I just need to give him a shake and say “Why the HELL do you think I keep wearing low cut shirts over here? It’s not like I display my boobicles for just EVERYONE!” Okay, that’s a lie, I do display the boobage whenever I can, but I wouldn’t go through the trouble to make sure one of my low cut slutty club shirts was clean every time I was over there. Eh, I’m so lame.
The State Fair was soooo much fun. The Tiny Terrorists were NOT happy with the wait (2 + hours) to see Paul Teutles Sr. and his boys. He’s so hot. I’m surprised D didn’t need to wear a Depends she was so hot for him. She did buy me a most excellent red OCC tank top to wear and I must say, I was looking pretty slutty in it. Oh yeah! I got a photo of me leaning over the table towards Paul Teutles Jr. but poor D did not as I’m truly a ‘tard and didn’t realize her camera was OFF. I’m so sorry D.
Jewish New Year
Woohoo! It’s here. Monday night ushered in the first night of Rosh Hashanah. Unlike last year, I didn’t do a whole lot of cooking in preparation and instead spent Monday at the fair with D and the kids. It rocked!
DayQuil Sucks!
This morning I started to have a sinus headache and took some DayQuil only to be smacked down and knocked out. That shit put me to SLEEP. I’m thankful that Cabbage Patch is such a good child as to just watch a movie and play with her Polly Pockets while I was asleep on the couch like some crack whore sleeping it off after a hard night. Damn that sucked!
Speaking of sleeping, I need to go do that now.
*double posting fixed now, hell I figured if ya'll liked reading it once, you'd love it the second time around!
Damn I’ve been busy… and not so busy, but just away from the freaking computer. So here’s a quick recap of my weekend in random order.
I’ve already talked about the trip to the club with Porn Star, so… go re-read that post if you need it.
Operation DVD is just an absolute BUST. I shall re-name it to Operation Judy Is A Chicken Shit. I returned the DVD’s with the intent of borrowing more and doing a little flirting then borrowing more just so I’d have an excuse to go over there. What I did was return the DVD’s and babble like an IDIOT and THEN be too much of a chicken shit to borrow more or to even flirt. I might as well have stuck my finger up my nose and drooled down my chin, I was being such a ‘Tard. The next day I was discussing it all with K and saying how it was giving me bad déjà vu to early high school days and having a crush on a certain guy and that in light of that I probably needed to have one of my girl friends go up and tell DVD guy that I ‘like’ him or better yet, I need to write his name encircled with a heart on my book cover then giggle and blush if he sees it. Tonight a guy friend of mine suggested that I take a direct approach and ask the guy out to lunch then slip my hand in his lap to ‘check out the package’, when I suggested that I ask him to lunch then slip my panties into his lap he told me that was far to subtle and would get me nowhere. Hehehe… I know he’s right! I’ve done the hand in the lap thing before (and it’s worked just fine), but I just CAN’T do that with DVD guy! I mean doing it on a date just moves things along a little quicker – it’s a great way to skip boring conversation and get right to the naked twister game – and it’s easy to do then, I mean if I’m on a date, I kind of KNOW that this guy is INTO me and baring a serious case of morals and ethics, his purpose is the naked twister game. I’m just not sure with DVD guy, he may not want to play naked twister with me (as hard as that is to believe) and he might just be OFFENDED by my blatant and unabashed groping. Then again, he might just be a GUY and he hasn’t yet figured out that I’m HITTING on him (albeit in a VERY VERY LAME way). Maybe I just need to give him a shake and say “Why the HELL do you think I keep wearing low cut shirts over here? It’s not like I display my boobicles for just EVERYONE!” Okay, that’s a lie, I do display the boobage whenever I can, but I wouldn’t go through the trouble to make sure one of my low cut slutty club shirts was clean every time I was over there. Eh, I’m so lame.
The State Fair was soooo much fun. The Tiny Terrorists were NOT happy with the wait (2 + hours) to see Paul Teutles Sr. and his boys. He’s so hot. I’m surprised D didn’t need to wear a Depends she was so hot for him. She did buy me a most excellent red OCC tank top to wear and I must say, I was looking pretty slutty in it. Oh yeah! I got a photo of me leaning over the table towards Paul Teutles Jr. but poor D did not as I’m truly a ‘tard and didn’t realize her camera was OFF. I’m so sorry D.
Jewish New Year
Woohoo! It’s here. Monday night ushered in the first night of Rosh Hashanah. Unlike last year, I didn’t do a whole lot of cooking in preparation and instead spent Monday at the fair with D and the kids. It rocked!
DayQuil Sucks!
This morning I started to have a sinus headache and took some DayQuil only to be smacked down and knocked out. That shit put me to SLEEP. I’m thankful that Cabbage Patch is such a good child as to just watch a movie and play with her Polly Pockets while I was asleep on the couch like some crack whore sleeping it off after a hard night. Damn that sucked!
Speaking of sleeping, I need to go do that now.
*double posting fixed now, hell I figured if ya'll liked reading it once, you'd love it the second time around!
Monday, October 03, 2005
Saturday, October 01, 2005
Saturday Night Special
Or
Cock Blocked Clubbin' Night
Whew... I'm at work and I'm tired, not so tired that I can't function, but tired enough that when I SIT down, I imediately start thinking about NAPPING. Fuck. It's a damn good thing that my job requires me to walk and stand a lot. I'm fine if I have to deal with people and keep talking and walking and standing and taking photos and all that happy crap, but the moment I STOP, well my body wants to STOP. But to be honest I'm kind of always like that, I have to constantly be doing something to not just fall the fuck asleep... I wonder if it's just me finding the world so damn boreing that makes me so sleepy. Eh, probably my brain cell killing activities from high school and college coming back to haunt me.
ANYWAY... I didn't intend to post about being sleepy, my sloth-like brain or needing some action to not just fall asleep or work and how I'm irritated that I'm not working at this moment and not for another 10 minutes because my appointments are fucked and that's giving me a lot of lag time between which sucks and makes me all tired and BORED! Or even the fact that I've called the numbers of people I have on the Cell Phone (which admittedly is all of 2 people) and both people are too busy to entertain me during this trying time of WAITING, WAITING, WAITING (I hate waiting, you really should see me at an amusement park, I'm psychotic.). Damn you both. Oh yeah... back to what I AM writing about, the club. So the whole day for some people just sucked and didn't go as planned and because I was going to the club with them, it altered my clubbin' plans with them and effectively cock blocked me for the night. Not that I WASN'T already because of Super Absorbency, but hey, I can DREAM. Doesn't really matter anyway, the club kind of sucked last night, the DJ was trying to hard with the mix and it sucked, not a lot of hot men at the club, the only guys looking were the CREEPY ones making me resort to trying to convince the creepy ones that I was with someone's man (it worked). Snazzy Seg was GAWD AWFUL late to the club also. And we didnt' even stay until closing (like usual) or go to Taco Cabana for the After Clubbin' meal. It just didn't seem right, might as well get the car early and head home. I wonder if it my outfit was off and that ruined the VIBE for the night? Hmmm... probably not! But I did opt for the black boots unstead of the cool ho boots... could it be the boots? Could I be insane? Could I just need sleep? Yes, Yes, And YES! So yeah, nothing happened, not horrible night, but not AS PLANNED and damn it! I wanted what was PLANNED!!!
Other Stuff...
Today I glanced at a calender here at work and realized that The High Holy days are near and I didn't even realize it. Oy gevalt! It's a good thing D got me a new Jewish Cookbook the other day! I need to start baking! There goes my diet.
Ah... off to work... finally...
Or
Cock Blocked Clubbin' Night
Whew... I'm at work and I'm tired, not so tired that I can't function, but tired enough that when I SIT down, I imediately start thinking about NAPPING. Fuck. It's a damn good thing that my job requires me to walk and stand a lot. I'm fine if I have to deal with people and keep talking and walking and standing and taking photos and all that happy crap, but the moment I STOP, well my body wants to STOP. But to be honest I'm kind of always like that, I have to constantly be doing something to not just fall the fuck asleep... I wonder if it's just me finding the world so damn boreing that makes me so sleepy. Eh, probably my brain cell killing activities from high school and college coming back to haunt me.
ANYWAY... I didn't intend to post about being sleepy, my sloth-like brain or needing some action to not just fall asleep or work and how I'm irritated that I'm not working at this moment and not for another 10 minutes because my appointments are fucked and that's giving me a lot of lag time between which sucks and makes me all tired and BORED! Or even the fact that I've called the numbers of people I have on the Cell Phone (which admittedly is all of 2 people) and both people are too busy to entertain me during this trying time of WAITING, WAITING, WAITING (I hate waiting, you really should see me at an amusement park, I'm psychotic.). Damn you both. Oh yeah... back to what I AM writing about, the club. So the whole day for some people just sucked and didn't go as planned and because I was going to the club with them, it altered my clubbin' plans with them and effectively cock blocked me for the night. Not that I WASN'T already because of Super Absorbency, but hey, I can DREAM. Doesn't really matter anyway, the club kind of sucked last night, the DJ was trying to hard with the mix and it sucked, not a lot of hot men at the club, the only guys looking were the CREEPY ones making me resort to trying to convince the creepy ones that I was with someone's man (it worked). Snazzy Seg was GAWD AWFUL late to the club also. And we didnt' even stay until closing (like usual) or go to Taco Cabana for the After Clubbin' meal. It just didn't seem right, might as well get the car early and head home. I wonder if it my outfit was off and that ruined the VIBE for the night? Hmmm... probably not! But I did opt for the black boots unstead of the cool ho boots... could it be the boots? Could I be insane? Could I just need sleep? Yes, Yes, And YES! So yeah, nothing happened, not horrible night, but not AS PLANNED and damn it! I wanted what was PLANNED!!!
Other Stuff...
Today I glanced at a calender here at work and realized that The High Holy days are near and I didn't even realize it. Oy gevalt! It's a good thing D got me a new Jewish Cookbook the other day! I need to start baking! There goes my diet.
Ah... off to work... finally...
Friday, September 30, 2005
Pirate Booty! Arrrgh!
I just picked up the kick ass Pirate Panties at Wally World. Not that I actually NEEDED them but I had to have them and I figured I could spare $3 out of my clubbin' money to have them.
So last night and this morning I had planned to post a long maudlin post about crap in general but luckily for you, the wee one deleted it whilst I was away from the computer. Probably for the best anyway. The only cool thing I said was that somedays I feel like I'm running at breakneck speed with very sharp scissors in my hands... Or at the very least a couple of pencils with very sharp points. And I made a reference to a warning label - Caution: Small objects may pose choking hazard! That made me laugh and think of an exboyfriend of mine and his small object... Although, honestly that really wasn't a choking hazard. No, no, never choked on that for sure. eh.. um... Whatever.
WALLA WORLD WONDERS!
This morning K stayed home. He has a retched migraine. Last night he went to B's for dinner and fucky-suckey and came home feeling ill. I guess it was something he ate.
K has been medicated and is not conscious currently. I took Cabbage Patch with me for a quick trip to Wally World. I figured a trip to Wally World would at least distract me from the weird maudlin mood I was in. On the way to Wally World I got all freaked out because there was a cop and for some reason it got me all panicked that he would pull me over and me and my 4 year old would end up in jail getting coordinating jail-house tat's. I pulled onto a side street as the cop passed me with narry a look and told myself how insane that thought was and cursed PMS and then wondered if I needed to be back on mood altering pharmaceuticals despite what Tom Cruse recommends, then headed on to Wally World for the JOYS of WALLY WORLD! And today it really WAS a joy.
As I mentioned, I was feeling like a bit of a whack-job today. Today was SAMPLE day at Wally World. Which was a complete surprise and delight to me as I love Sample Day at the grocery stores and I had no idea that Wally World did Sample day. The offspring and I sampled tasty French bread and sugary cereal as we shopped and for some reason I felt calm and at peace with the world, I attributed that to the calming, peaceful effects of free CARBS. In the check out line, I somehow got a competent and somewhat friendly Wally World Cashier - and as we all know that RARELY happens, if they are competent they are usually as mean as a sexually frustrated pit bull and if they are friendly they are generally about as smart as a box of rocks. Today I thought for certain I was in for the silent, sullen yet overwhelmingly competent older checker until I pointed out that my tomatoes were supposed to be $.99 a lb. Then it happened... He was totally and completely nice as he fixed the price for my produce! At that point I completely forgave him for his badly positioned, ugly and quite obvious toupee perched upon his head like a flattened opossum clinging to his scalp. I left the store with a smile on my lips and a brand new pair of pirate panties in my bag. On the way home I wondered how it was possible for me to have had such calm and peace from a trip to Wally World but I was thankful. Once home I realized that my sudden mood change and tranquility had nothing to do with shopping and had everything to do with the end of PMS. Yup, two words for my future Super absorbent. *sigh* Club night even.
Cock Blocked
So yeah, I know I just made all the men in the know involuntarily cringe when they read Super absorbent (and you probably did it again just now), sorry 'bout that. Of course this means that I probably won't wear my NEW Pirate Panties tonight to the club. It's not like anyone will be seeing them and come on, they are NEW, this is no time for NEW panties. It also means that my devious plan to seduce previously mentioned friend who I am lamely borrowing DVD's from will now have to be down graded to something much less interesting and sexually satisfying. Maybe I'll ask him out for coffee (or ice cream like Mike suggested)... Or more likely I'll do nothing except borrow more DVD's and kick myself for being such a chicken shit yet again. It also means that I'll have to cancel the wild sex party planned for this weekend - I just hope that if I call and cancel the 2 dozen midgets for the party that I can get my deposit back. Damn it, damn it, damn it. My nearly nonexistent sex life was just starting to look like it might exist again even for a brief moment of extreme and intense activity.
WALLY WORLD MOMENT
(I'm sure you are all happy to have me change the subject from my sex life or my reproductive cycle.) D's man has put her up in a suite at a lovely and expensive hotel. This place rocks, I need to have a big drunken keg party in her suite sometime - kidding, kidding D! You know I'd never do that! (I'd have the big nasty sex party with the 2 dozen midgets and a donkey) Anyway, she's had an issue with getting yogurt. Seems that when she meanders down for her breakfast, there is NEVER any yogurt for her. When she asks the rude girl always tells her they don't have anymore. EVERY DAY. She once sent Toast up to ask for yogurt and the girl politely scurried off to fetch him a carton of yogurt. D watched and noticed that if a male executive type requested yogurt, the rude girl would get him some, but when D asked, she was ALWAYS told there was no more. Today was no different... Except... D had a moment... A moment she and I like to call a Wally World Moment. She went all ghetto and ethnic on Rude Girl's ass and caused a scene that attracted the manager who fetched D some yogurt and promised her it wouldn't happen again (you know he did after she reminded him that Toast prepaid $3,000 a month for 4 months her to stay there and be taken care of). Now she's happy, she got her yogurt and Rude Girl got her walking papers.
Well I better go do stuff now, I need to catch a short nap before I head back to the sewing machine. Hope you enjoyed the update!
I just picked up the kick ass Pirate Panties at Wally World. Not that I actually NEEDED them but I had to have them and I figured I could spare $3 out of my clubbin' money to have them.
So last night and this morning I had planned to post a long maudlin post about crap in general but luckily for you, the wee one deleted it whilst I was away from the computer. Probably for the best anyway. The only cool thing I said was that somedays I feel like I'm running at breakneck speed with very sharp scissors in my hands... Or at the very least a couple of pencils with very sharp points. And I made a reference to a warning label - Caution: Small objects may pose choking hazard! That made me laugh and think of an exboyfriend of mine and his small object... Although, honestly that really wasn't a choking hazard. No, no, never choked on that for sure. eh.. um... Whatever.
WALLA WORLD WONDERS!
This morning K stayed home. He has a retched migraine. Last night he went to B's for dinner and fucky-suckey and came home feeling ill. I guess it was something he ate.
K has been medicated and is not conscious currently. I took Cabbage Patch with me for a quick trip to Wally World. I figured a trip to Wally World would at least distract me from the weird maudlin mood I was in. On the way to Wally World I got all freaked out because there was a cop and for some reason it got me all panicked that he would pull me over and me and my 4 year old would end up in jail getting coordinating jail-house tat's. I pulled onto a side street as the cop passed me with narry a look and told myself how insane that thought was and cursed PMS and then wondered if I needed to be back on mood altering pharmaceuticals despite what Tom Cruse recommends, then headed on to Wally World for the JOYS of WALLY WORLD! And today it really WAS a joy.
As I mentioned, I was feeling like a bit of a whack-job today. Today was SAMPLE day at Wally World. Which was a complete surprise and delight to me as I love Sample Day at the grocery stores and I had no idea that Wally World did Sample day. The offspring and I sampled tasty French bread and sugary cereal as we shopped and for some reason I felt calm and at peace with the world, I attributed that to the calming, peaceful effects of free CARBS. In the check out line, I somehow got a competent and somewhat friendly Wally World Cashier - and as we all know that RARELY happens, if they are competent they are usually as mean as a sexually frustrated pit bull and if they are friendly they are generally about as smart as a box of rocks. Today I thought for certain I was in for the silent, sullen yet overwhelmingly competent older checker until I pointed out that my tomatoes were supposed to be $.99 a lb. Then it happened... He was totally and completely nice as he fixed the price for my produce! At that point I completely forgave him for his badly positioned, ugly and quite obvious toupee perched upon his head like a flattened opossum clinging to his scalp. I left the store with a smile on my lips and a brand new pair of pirate panties in my bag. On the way home I wondered how it was possible for me to have had such calm and peace from a trip to Wally World but I was thankful. Once home I realized that my sudden mood change and tranquility had nothing to do with shopping and had everything to do with the end of PMS. Yup, two words for my future Super absorbent. *sigh* Club night even.
Cock Blocked
So yeah, I know I just made all the men in the know involuntarily cringe when they read Super absorbent (and you probably did it again just now), sorry 'bout that. Of course this means that I probably won't wear my NEW Pirate Panties tonight to the club. It's not like anyone will be seeing them and come on, they are NEW, this is no time for NEW panties. It also means that my devious plan to seduce previously mentioned friend who I am lamely borrowing DVD's from will now have to be down graded to something much less interesting and sexually satisfying. Maybe I'll ask him out for coffee (or ice cream like Mike suggested)... Or more likely I'll do nothing except borrow more DVD's and kick myself for being such a chicken shit yet again. It also means that I'll have to cancel the wild sex party planned for this weekend - I just hope that if I call and cancel the 2 dozen midgets for the party that I can get my deposit back. Damn it, damn it, damn it. My nearly nonexistent sex life was just starting to look like it might exist again even for a brief moment of extreme and intense activity.
WALLY WORLD MOMENT
(I'm sure you are all happy to have me change the subject from my sex life or my reproductive cycle.) D's man has put her up in a suite at a lovely and expensive hotel. This place rocks, I need to have a big drunken keg party in her suite sometime - kidding, kidding D! You know I'd never do that! (I'd have the big nasty sex party with the 2 dozen midgets and a donkey) Anyway, she's had an issue with getting yogurt. Seems that when she meanders down for her breakfast, there is NEVER any yogurt for her. When she asks the rude girl always tells her they don't have anymore. EVERY DAY. She once sent Toast up to ask for yogurt and the girl politely scurried off to fetch him a carton of yogurt. D watched and noticed that if a male executive type requested yogurt, the rude girl would get him some, but when D asked, she was ALWAYS told there was no more. Today was no different... Except... D had a moment... A moment she and I like to call a Wally World Moment. She went all ghetto and ethnic on Rude Girl's ass and caused a scene that attracted the manager who fetched D some yogurt and promised her it wouldn't happen again (you know he did after she reminded him that Toast prepaid $3,000 a month for 4 months her to stay there and be taken care of). Now she's happy, she got her yogurt and Rude Girl got her walking papers.
Well I better go do stuff now, I need to catch a short nap before I head back to the sewing machine. Hope you enjoyed the update!
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Why My Offspring Can Look Forward To Many Years Of Therapy
This was the conversation:
ME: You need a bath, come on, let's get you all clean.
HER: Noooooooooooooooo, I don't like a bath!
Me: Well tough, you need a bath.
HER: Noooooooooooooo! I don't want a bath!
ME: You need a bath.
Her: Why? I don't want a bath!
Me: Well if you don't take a bath you'll smell... and one day dogs will dig a hole and bury you in it because you smell bad.
Her:........ Nooooooooooo! I don't like a bath!
Now I'm weighing my options... in the washing machine and hope she doesn't get motion sickness or just spraying her down with Febreze and Lysol. Or maybe I'll just hang one of those tree shaped car air fresheners around her neck.
This was the conversation:
ME: You need a bath, come on, let's get you all clean.
HER: Noooooooooooooooo, I don't like a bath!
Me: Well tough, you need a bath.
HER: Noooooooooooooo! I don't want a bath!
ME: You need a bath.
Her: Why? I don't want a bath!
Me: Well if you don't take a bath you'll smell... and one day dogs will dig a hole and bury you in it because you smell bad.
Her:........ Nooooooooooo! I don't like a bath!
Now I'm weighing my options... in the washing machine and hope she doesn't get motion sickness or just spraying her down with Febreze and Lysol. Or maybe I'll just hang one of those tree shaped car air fresheners around her neck.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Coping Out With A Quiz Day!
I know, I totally suck (that's why I'm popular - I swallow too!), I have much to write about - clubbing until 3 am, working lots and lots, hanging with D and planning her kick ass Happy Divorce Party for November 14th, funky boots, borrowing DVD's as a ploy to get someone's attention, a friend being arrested at a political protest (Rock on baby!), dinner and a movie and dinner and coffee. AND I still have so much going on. I need more coffee and to figure out how to NOT sleep for the next week or so (don't suggest illegal drugs... I'm not that kind of girl). But right now, I need to get a shower so I can go out to dinner and coffe... then come home to SEW.
| Pure Nerd 56 % Nerd, 47% Geek, 30% Dork |
| For The Record: A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia. A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one. A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions. You scored better than half in Nerd, earning you the title of: Pure Nerd. The times, they are a-changing. It used to be that being exceptionally smart led to being unpopular, which would ultimately lead to picking up all of the traits and tendences associated with the "dork." No-longer. Being smart isn't as socially crippling as it once was, and even more so as you get older: eventually being a Pure Nerd will likely be replaced with the following label: Purely Successful. Congratulations! Also, you might want to check out some of my other tests if you're interested in any of the following: Buffy the Vampire Slayer Professional Wrestling Love & Sexuality America/Politics Thanks Again! -- THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST |
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My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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| Link: The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test written by donathos on Ok Cupid |
I know, I totally suck (that's why I'm popular - I swallow too!), I have much to write about - clubbing until 3 am, working lots and lots, hanging with D and planning her kick ass Happy Divorce Party for November 14th, funky boots, borrowing DVD's as a ploy to get someone's attention, a friend being arrested at a political protest (Rock on baby!), dinner and a movie and dinner and coffee. AND I still have so much going on. I need more coffee and to figure out how to NOT sleep for the next week or so (don't suggest illegal drugs... I'm not that kind of girl). But right now, I need to get a shower so I can go out to dinner and coffe... then come home to SEW.
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