Works With VHS and BetaMax!


Despite the fact that she has a room FULL of toys (not an exaggeration) Cabbage Patch would much rather build towers with the VCR tapes (of which we have a couple hundred). At this point you may be wondering WHY we have a VCR tapes let alone a VCR when we have such a fine DVD player and that photo above should answer your question. Rain Man herself would have a fit if the tapes were to disappear. (eyes rolling up in head)

Work Crap…

Tonight is a MANDATORY work meeting. Supposedly this is so ground breaking and earth shattering that we all MUST be there. But I believe ALL of them are mandatory and well I haven’t made a meeting in 3 years. Whatever.

New Beds

I believe K and I have agreed upon new beds for the Little People. The Little People are DIEING for bunk beds but I am morally, generally and safetyishly against bunk beds. Neither of my children posses anything close to grace and the oldest is best described as an accident waiting for something sharp to bleed on. I love her to death the little klutz, the two years of dance class did nothing to help her with this, only magnified it to me as I watched her fall right on her ass just walking off stage. Shoe laces are a safety hazard for her, and have made me consider Velcro for her shoes but realizing that the poor child is doomed to geekiness based purely upon the fact that K and I are the ones who are responsible for her genetic make up, I just have to let it go and hope for the best. This child can’t get through the day without tripping over her feet or falling over an invisible bump, so why do I want to let her sleep in a bunk bed? Why do I want to wake several times every night wondering if she’s already fallen off the bed and suffered a concussion or something? I don’t! Case closed! No bunk beds.

What I have decided on is cute matching beds from IKEA and some really adorable sheets and stuff that will match. Of course when we get to the store the Tiny Terrorists will argue about the sheets and quilt covers and nothing will match and it will throw my obsessive compulsive part of my brain out of whack and I’ll go insane somewhere around the house wears and plastics area.

Okay, enough of all this, I have laundry to do.

Meme-day! Oh Wait, It’s Tuesday…

I figured I’d do this instead of make snarky comments about other people on the web and how their children always look like rag muffins and how other people can never seem to fix their kids hair in a way that makes me not want to set that person on fire and roast marshmallows. So yeah, it’s probably a lot safer to do this stupid meme and not add to the list of ‘People Who Don’t Like Me’.

Four jobs I’ve had
1. I once worked as a temporary receptionist for Houghton Mifflin for one whole day. I had to answer the phone with “Hello, Houghton Mifflin, how may I direct your call?” except that Houghton Mifflin was a hard one for me to remember how to say AND they were VERY busy for a few hours so I was answering the phone with: “Hooton Moofflin, how may I direct your call?” “Hufflin Mufflin, please hold.” “Hootin Hooflin, please hold.” “Mifflin Mufflin, please hold!” “Hufffgraaa Muffliton *click*” Eventually toward the end of the day, I finally got it right. For some reason they let me leave a half an hour early and never asked me to come back.

2. I worked for a private airline that had about 100 employees with only 4 of them (including me) being female, only two of those were under 50 and only 1 of them (me) was a single 19 year old college student who always wore short skirts. I loved that place; all I did was answer the phone and flirt with all the pilots and mechanics that for some reason had a lot of excuses to be in the lobby all the time. This is also the place I came to hate poinsettias due to the 500 plants they put in the freaking lobby that year that I had to stare at for a month and a half.

3. A maid for a disabled woman. It was actually pretty cool; she was very nice even though she ate a lot of SPAM.

4. I’m a baby photographer. It rocks. Most of the time.

Four movies I can watch over and over
1. Everafter
2. Lord Of The Rings
3. Two Towers
4. Return Of The King
(Now four movies I’ve had to watch over and over and restrain myself from jabbing my eyes out)
1. The Great Longneck Migration (Yeah Thanks K’s dad for getting the kids THAT little gem)
2. Lady and The Tramp (Classic my ass!)
3. Thomas The Tank Engine (Oh good gawd, that is the most fucked up, somebody must have been smoking crack when they made it kids’ movie I’ve ever seen! Again – THANKS K’s dad! Thanks for the DVD AND my new prescription to Prozac.)
4. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (I hated this movie as a kid and I absolutely loath it as an adult. Luckily for me it’s just a borrowed DVD so it will be RETURNED VERY soon and I’ll stop having homicidal dreams to that stupid theme song.)

Four places I have lived
1. New Orleans, La.
2. Detroit, Mi.
3. San Antonio, Tx.
4. Corpus Christi, Tx.

Four TV shows I love
1. American Dad
2. The Boondocks
3. Family Guy
4. Futurama

Four places I’ve vacationed (don’t be surprised that it’s a LAME list)
1. Guthrie, Ok.
2. Turner Falls in Ok.
3. Various lame ass places in Northern La to visit family
4. My own home.

Four of my favorite dishes
1. Super Hot chicken curry
2. Super Hot Chinese food
3. Spicy seafood gumbo
4. Tamales

Four sites I visit daily
1. CNN.com
2. stuffonmycat.com
3. cuteoverload.com
4. bigdicks.com… just kidding, I made that up. PVPonline.com
and of course every single solitary person I know of who has a blog that I know the web address to. Honestly. At least once a day…. Or once a week… whatever, most of you should update more often.

Four places I would rather be right now
1. In bed with a hot, sexually talented man
2. In bed with a hot, sexually explicit book
3. In bed with a hot, sexually satisfying BOB
4. In bed with all of the above. Or maybe just taking a long nap.

Four people I am tagging
1. Bast
2. Petey
3. Luna
4. Dawn
Now, because I’ve TAGGED you, you MUST do this or your underwear drawer will be invaded by thousands of angry gerbils.

First Step Is Recognizing The Problem

Being sick was a very interesting experience to say the least. I found myself wanting to sleep 23 of the 24 hours. Actually at night I would find myself desperately sleepy when I would go to bed but a couple of hours into my sleep routine I’d be AWAKE. Worst of all I wouldn’t just wake up, I would kind of startle awake. What sucked about that the MOST is that my tiny little cat Sunshine is a stalker at night. She will sneak into my room at night and sit on the pillow next to me… and watch me… just purring and watching. It’s creepy. And waking in a Nyquil induced paranoia to a small purring feline just inches from ones face is disconcerting to say the least. I swore off the Nyquil after one night of bad dreams, kitty stalkers and little sleep. Anyway, I’ve kicked the Nyquil habit (at least until the next horrible cold/flu/monkey pox outbreak).

Monday Morning Boo-Boo


Awwww... Cabbage Patch had a boo-boo this morning (I have no idea how, she just walked up to me with a forlorne look and told me in a rather dramatic tone that she NEEDED a bandaid for the 2 drops of blood that had leaked from her tiny little finger). To be honest, that photo is totally staged. I had to beg her to pout.

Silly Girl

This is the first photo I took, she was so HAPPY to have a BANDAID. But whatever, I just thought she was terribly cute.

Terrorist Threat Level Lowered

Last night on a whim (moment of insanity) I took the Little People (AKA The Tiny Terrorist) with me to a Super Bowl party. The invitation had been extended to myself and the Little People yet I still hadn't planned on bringing them until K arrived home on Sunday with a horrible headache. Despite my misgivngs and lack of duct tape, I took the Little People with me and gave them specific instructions on the hell I would make them endure if they misbehaved at the party and HOPED for the best (Read back in December of their antics when I thought having lunch with them and friends was a GOOD idea instead of ahorrific experience that it truly turned out to be). A drive through McD's for chicken nuggets, french fries and CHOCOLATE SHAKES ensured there would be no repeat of December's FOOD ISSUES. As soon as we arrived at Sable & Lerxst's, I ushered my progeny past people and into the containment area to eat their dinner and watch movies. I gave them kisses and instructions to not mess with anything and NOT LEAVE the room unless someone was bleeding or on fire, then left them to go watch the Super Bowl commercials (I hate football, the commercials were intersting tough) and gossip with friends.

The entire time I waited for Chaos and Destruction to erupt from the room and for me to have to use the tranquilizer darts to subdue my progeny before dragging them out of the house in utter embarassment and humiliation and with my parenting abilities being questioned by everyone in the house as well as anyone in a 2 mile radius of the house. I secretly prayed that their homeowners insurance would pay for any possible damages and that they wouldn't sue. Completly unnecessary. My Tiny Terrorists did not live up to their names. Every time I checked on them they were sitting quietly watching a movie. Never once did I find them with wire cutters and plans for making a bomb, nor did I find them with a secret stash of Anthrax, empty envelopes to fill and a list of political figures to mail the envelopes to. They did however leave the room from time to time but it was never anything serious and it was amusing to hear people say "Oh! Terrorist escape!" when one of them would come out of the room.

We left shortly after the game and the Little People were happy to have Sable's copy of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang to borrow (and drive me even closer to utter and complete madness with. WTF is that movie all about? That's so fucked up!). All in all it turned out well, no property damage, no law suites and no need for duct tape.

Off to clean and all.. oh yes, I am over my horrible case of Monkey Pox or Bird Flu or Alien Experimentation or what the hell ever it was. Much better. I'm almost sad to say good bye to the Nyquill though.

I'm Goin' To Hell! (Wanna Ride With Me?)

So I've just spent the past 45 minutes going to different blogs to snicker and make fun of the rediculous names people name their children. The more ludicris ones I felt compeled to blurt out and make derogatory statements about to K who is sitting across from me trying to block out my existence. This is actually one of my favorite pass times since I have to deal with people's horrific choices of names for their children on a weekly basis. Making fun of this in the privacy of my own home keeps me from snickering loudly and rolling my eyes when I'm standing in front of people who just happen to be new parents who are telling me the baby name.

Wow, I think this Nyquill has kicked in now!

I'll Call Him Elvis...


This is one of the ducks that lives at the lake near me. I took the photo a couple of weeks ago. I like this one, he's got FABULOUS hair. He always has! Last year he was a cute little duckling with fun hair, now he's a big ass duck with Elvis hair.

I'm happy to report that my hair did not come out looking like a badly tie-dyed shirt but looks lovely as ever.

It's less BRIGHT than it usually is fresh from a coloring, but I'm thinking that's probably a good thing.

Today Super Girl went on a field trip to some place to study rocks. She came home with a small bag full of rocks. And I thought to myself 'I just paid $7 for a bag of rocks???'

K is about to find his room over run with herds of Angry Albino Sock Monkies soon. While he was at the store today he decided to buy an energy saving light bulb, you know the kind that's all twisty looking. When he got home he put it in the light for the ceiling fan in the living room, then tried to put the glass globe back on but guess what? The light bulb is too long and the globe won't fit now! That was about 6 pm when he did that, now it's going on 11 pm and he has YET to put the damn proper bulb back so EVERY time I look in that direction my retina get's burnt just a little bit more.

Groundhog Day

Happy Groundhog day! Yeah, whatever. Who made up this holiday? And why should I trust some huge furry rodent to forcast the weather? What a whacked out holiday this is. Eh, whatever, I think I saw my shadow this morning, I better go back to bed.

My Timeing Is Off; Maybe I Need A Tune-Up

I sit here having just doused my head with FRESH color and after I was partially involved, I realized that I'm going to be pushing it as far as getting all this finish. I have training to be at tonight so I need to leave as soon as K gets home... at 5:30. I'll be done with this part in 20 minutes but then there is the OTHER part that takes another 20 minutes to do that I'm going to have to rush through. Fuck. My hair is going to look like a badly tie-dyed shirt.

Coco the Wonder Dog is gone now, I have to admit that I miss her, but I'm certain that her mommy has missed her a lot.

*sigh*

Wasting Time

Sheesh... this must be the first time I've really sat and wished I had cable so I could just lay on the couch and just flip channels. I totally did not go to work tonight, no motivation. The all powerful internet has sucked me in!

So... Quizzes!

Your Element Is Fire

Your passion and emotion are as obvious as the brightest flame. You make sparks fly and your passion always has the potential to burst out. You are exciting and creative - and completely unpredictable. You sometimes exercise control and sometimes you let yourself go. Friends describe you as sensitive, spirited, and compulsive. Bright and blazing with intensity, you seem mysterious and moody to many.

What's Your Element?

hmmm... K says it's dead on... he's crazy... I'm not mysterious.

Your Inner Child Is Surprised

You see many things through the eyes of a child. Meaning, you're rarely cynical or jaded. You cherish all of the details in life. Easily fascinated, you enjoy experiencing new things.

How Is Your Inner Child?

Bah! Cynical and Jaded are my middle names! um.. not really... but either would be a cooler middle name than what I have.

You Have Your PhD in Men

You understand men almost better than anyone. You accept that guys are very different, and you read signals well. Work what you know about men, and your relationships will be blissful.

How Well Do You Understand Men?

Yeah... um... not so much, otherwise I wouldn't be spending 99% of my nights with BOB. I understand battery operated devices that buzz in the night.

Reality Is Strange

I'm sitting here not going to work, wasting time on the internet with 7 tabs open and I look up and see that one of them says '12" BASKET OF ASS...' Yeah, just what every woman should be able to order online.

Fortune for today:
Alas! The onion you are eating is someone else's water lily.

I have no fucking clue about that, it was in my fortune cookie though.

Praise The Lawrd And Pass The Internet!

On an upside, I am feeling better. Oddly the return of my health has coincided with the return of my high speed internet. Obviously I’ve been healed by the internet. In retrospect my illness was probably caused by my lack of DSL connection and my having to suffer with dial up until I could get a replacement modem. And now I have to show my worthiness of the miracle of the internet cure by going to every porn site I can and enjoying the almost instantaneous site of a big cock instead of having to wait several minutes on dial up only to have half a cock load before the page timed out. Oh! The suffering I have endured! Yeah I’m better.

Today’s Post Is Brought To You By The Letter F

F for FRUSTRATING. This weekend was rather frustrating and sadly part of it was my own doing.

First Saturday after a discussion with K about how it would be easier if I dropped him and the wee ones off at the train station early, I decided that I’d come home between hospitals and shuttle them to the train station. I did, and though it was all nice and happy in theory, it was not quite so in real life. Though I got up on time, I forgot that I promised the Little People that we’d make breakfast. Warming up store bought croissants and making scrambled eggs and bacon (turkey bacon) shouldn’t take long, right? Wrong. For some reason it took 35 minutes! Fine, fine, whatever, I got to work at 9 am – an hour later than I had planned! I picked up K and company about 10:30 am and when all was said and done I got to my busy hospital at 11:30 am. Damn! Now I was running an hour and a half late. Somehow I got everything done and was out of there by 4 pm. Unfortunately sales weren’t FABULOUS so whatever. When I got home I had to run errands and realized that SADLY I would not be able to enjoy my favorite weekend activity – NAPPING. Damn it! I had a nice quiet, empty house and I couldn’t enjoy a nice uninterrupted nap! Damn the luck! Instead I had to get ready to go to a party I was invited to. I picked up everyone like an hour and a half late (whatever). When we were about a block from the damn party I get stopped and given a huge ass ticket – hush, hush, I don’t want to hear about what I shoulda/coulda done in order that I not be stopped because I didn’t/couldn’t and I DID get a ticket. I just need sympathy. But at least I did not end up in jail. Yeah, that’s something to be thankful for. ANYWAY, the party was okay, not GREAT, but honestly my perception of things might have been off due to the fact that I had just had my fun encounter with the police.

Things somewhat improved on Sunday, went to see the cute guy I’m interested in, took a mutual friend with me. What the hell was I thinking??? It’s not like I could make a move on him with her there! Oh but who the hell am I kidding! I’m not going to make a move on him! I’ve got a bad case of Chicken-Shit-itis as I’m fairly certain he’s completely uninterested in me. Again FRUSTRATING in many ways, and not just because I get to go home and abuse BOB.

And then of course there was the fun of discussing the legal and financial issues of my ticket.

So yeah FRUSTRATING all weekend long. Work frustrating, lateness frustrating, legally frustrating, party frustrating, sexually frustrating (I didn’t even GET to abuse BOB after all) and financially frustrating.

It’s Only January And I’m Out Of The Running

Yes, it’s true. I’ve already lost my nomination for Mother Of The Year, but on a ‘brighter’ note, I would bet I’m well on my way to being in the top ten for Worst Mother Of The Year, or so my progeny would say. No matter, I won’t go down alone on this one, I will drag K down into the depths of parental mediocrity with me whether he wants to go or not.

After spending all day long lounging on the couch eating bon bon’s (read: laying on the couch in a semi-conscious fever induced delirium) while Cabbage Patch occupied herself with educational toys and videos (read: while Cabbage Patch reenacted various scenes from Lord Of The Rings using candle holders, Barbie’s, dog toys and a quaint doll house while viewing various obnoxious Disney DVD’s for the 500th time), I discovered that I would have the joy and pleasure of taking care of the children while K attends a political meeting (read: was shocked to be reminded that K would actually leave me alone with our offspring in my state of ill health, even though he had reminded me of his obligations prior to the 10 minutes before he left when he reminded my poor cold medicine addled brain yet again). That would mean that I would need to make DINNER for my delicate little flowers and myself (read: make some fabulous and yummy creation that would be viewed with disdain and ridicule from the Tiny Terrorists who would then proclaim it POISON). I felt a wave of euphoria as I made dinner (read: I felt dizzy from the fever as I made stew).

After a delightful dinner was enjoyed by all (all as in me and only me as the Tiny Terrorists opted instead to eat apples for dinner), it was time for educational pursuits (homework and whining)! That was lovely, truly (yeah, if you find reading two pages of Puss in Boots and listening to a 6 year old whine about writing sentences lovely). Then it was of the hour that I have looked forward to since 6:30 am this morning (it’s true) – BED TIME for the Little People! Woohoo! And this my friend is where I lost all points in the Mother Of The Year thing, I sent my offspring off to bed without being tucked in. Yes I did, I am a HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE MONSTER! They weren’t even BAD, I was only thinking of my fever induced dizziness and the horrible wheezing caused by the nasty chest congestion and how it would be detrimental to my own health as well as their mental health if I were to pass out at the top of the stairs and fall down them with the offspring there to witness. Despite my reasoning with the progeny that “Mommy is sick, go to bed now.” I was still met with tears which filled me with the utmost in maternal guilt. Or maybe that was just the fever dementia and cold/flu medicine hallucinations… Ah well, maybe tomorrow I will be miraculously cured of this malady and be back to reading the offspring prose from Shakespeare and Dickens right before explaining the theory of relativity using visual models made from tooth picks and cheese cubes. Yeah… Right… Let’s just pray that the DVD player and the VCR don’t break. ;)

PS I'm still suffering on a slow ass dial up connection, so that means that when I'm not in a cold medicine and fever induced delium, I am tieing up my land line. If you need to call me, call my cell number, if you don't know that... well... ask or just leave a message on my voice mail, I'm sure eventually I WILL check that.

Tin Foil Hats And Hockey Games

Fuck I'm not dead people! Stop sending sympathy cards to my family. A few days offline and people think you are dead. I'm not, but I'm sometimes wishing I was. Damn this cold/flu/crap sucks. Except for the medicine, nothing like the cold/flu medicine halucinations. YEAH!

Last night thanks to D I had two primo seats to see the STARS play. After MANY calls I finally found someone who was more than excited to go to the game and sit in $100 seats with me. Yeah, really MANY calls. WTF? Whatever, the game was AWESOME. The Stars tied the game in the last 2 minutes and it went to over time then a shoot off. I took my Bitch Petey to the game and we had many laughs. Prior to getting to the game I convinced him to drive through a Starbucks for me. When the young guy asked if he could help us, Petey asked him if there were any HOT MEN there. The server paused then asked what he said in a very cautious tone. We were laughing hard by then - once again proving that he and I should not go out in public together.

Anyway, I'm dogsitting Coco the wonder dog again. She seems to have given up her crack habbit and has been the totally adorable wonderful dog again... aside from the vomiting incident this morning on my carpet... but all is well.

My DSL has yet to be restored as I have yet to get the new modem due to illness and not just my own. Damn this alien cold/flu/crap. Speaking of, I'm off to go try to convince my offspring that she needs to nap with me... the rest of the freaking day. Wish me luck.

Karma Is A Bitch Sometimes.

My damn DSL modem got fried by lightening early Saturday morning. I didn’t realize it until late Sunday evening… after all the store that sell DSL modems had already closed. Of course that didn’t stop K and me from hopping in the car and searching for one anyway. Futile and frustrating trip that involved me calling someone and talking to their boyfriend about my predicament and having him search for online for an open store as I waited in the car for K to come out of the second store. We ultimately realized that it would be best just to go home and get something the next day. Well that and K reminded me that he could set up my lap top to connect via dial up. Ahhhh yes, my internet addiction would be fed.

But… Dial up sucks, especially when you’ve been on DSL.

Other random things…

I’ve been dog sitting for a couple of days. It’s my niece again, the cutest dog in the whole damn world, Coco. Remember how I talked about how a REALLY good dog she was when I watched her for a week? And how well behaved she was and how sweet and all that happy crap? Well Coco has been acting like she’s been smoking crack! It’s insane. In the whole week that I watched her and left her alone in my home frequently, she never did anything bad. NEVER. D dropped her off Saturday night as I headed to the game and when I got home after 2 am on Sunday morning, I discovered that she had done a thorough inspection of my garbage. Sunday when I arrived home from work I discover that she had decided her garbage inspection duties weren’t over as she had dissected and scattered my bathroom garbage. EWWWWWW!!! Bathroom garbage is the WORST! Especially garbage from a woman’s bathroom… I won’t elaborate, I’m sure your mind is working overtime now and you have already gotten the horrific visual. So… Yeah, I wasn’t too thrilled about that. She and I had a few words about that… me saying “Ewwwww! Awww Coco! Yuck! No, no!” and her saying “Arf! Arf!” Other than that, she’s been her usual perfect doggy self.

Nothing says friendship like calling to tell someone about the really BAD porn you have figured out how to watch for free at the hotel you are staying at. Thanks Jovan, that was hilarious and frightening at the same time. Feel free to call me anytime.

Saturday night/Sunday morning must be FREAK Toll Booth worker night. I saw more freaks on the toll road than a carnival side show. My favorite was the very freaky one toothed man who decided to hit on me as he gave me my change. I suppose I could be flattered but I really was just creeped out and made me vow at that moment to get a toll tag.

Anyway, enough of this shit, I have a mountain of laundry to fold and a whole to do list of shit to get crossed off. Later beeotches!

Mentally Incontinent

I think I've mentioned before how toddlers are much like crazy street people. There are many, many similarities. Both have no problem wearing the same mismatched outfit for days or even weeks on end. Both tend to walk around having conversations with imaginary people. They both tend to say things that you can only half understand and best. Spontanious public nudity isn't a problem for either. There are more similarities, that's just a few.

My sweet Cabbage Patch just had her feet in a plastic orange Halloween Jack-o-lantern. When I looked at her and she fell over, she just laughed and said "Pumpkin patch!" to me. I had to fight the urge to smell her breath for booze, but I know there is none in the house and I doubt she'd be able to hide an empty 40 in her teddy bear.

Later that night at a Mexican food restaraunt the child who only eats macaroni and cheese or cheese ate refried beans of her own free will. Unbelieveable.

This fine Saturday morning I had planned to get to work a tad early so that I'd be sure to be done with all my work by 3 pm. My alarm went off at 6:15 am which I felt was way to early so I reset it for 7 am. Next thing I know my cat is in my face waking me up and it's 8 am! shit! I reset the alarm then turned it off. Damn it!

Oh well, I snatched a heft commission from the weekday photographer this morning as she had taken some shitty photos yesterday and told the parents that no one would be here today (can we say BITCH?). No matter, I took better photos and told them how to cancel the other order.

Off to work!

Oh The Crazy Things People Say... To Me

In a phone conversation:
Me: At least his cat loves me.
Her: My gay cat and my fat cat love you!
Me: Your fat cat loves me because she thinks I smell like food.
*silence*
Her: We are women, to cats we all smell like food!
Me: Awwww! That was soooooo bad!
*laughter*

On the computer:
Me: I just asked K if he a canibal for eating that potato.
her: hehehehehehehe
her: I don't feed my dogs hotdogs for that reason...just too weird
ME: hahahahahahahahaha
Her: What? It might hurt them psychologically ...it may look like a friend or family member
Me: *snort* hahahahahaha
Her: sheesh she laughs
Me: friend or family member
Her: well it could
Her: especially Oscar..he is red ya know.

See... it's not all me... the insanity is wide spread.

Life Lessons By Judy

Did you know that if you don't poke a hole in a potato before you place it in the oven to bake that it CAN explode rather messily all over the oven and leave a rather nasty mess resting against the heating element creating the need to clean the rarely ever cleaned oven? And that the SOUND of an exploding potato is one of those small noises that will make you say "Huh, did I just hear a pop from the oven? That couldn't have been the chicken." then go on about your business until you smell an odd burny smell eminating from the place that a delightful smell of baked chicken should be coming from and at that very moment you'll suddenly REALIZE that the odd POP you heard was probably the odd potato exploding. Yeah, I knew that too. Just thought I'd pass that little tidbit along before I clean out the charred pieces of potato from the oven.

Why Kids Suck!

Because I am the EVIL MOMMY and am MAKING my progeny help clean up (their MESS!) they have decided to pretend they they are both Cinderella and are playing as such. Guess who is the Mean Stepmother in this play? I'm blaming their gay father for this, I know it's his fault somehow.

BUSTED!

It's funny how early kids become SNEAKY. Cabbage Patch is 4 and was just asking for more macaroni and cheese for dinner. I asked her if she finished her green beans as her plate was empty but she generally won't eat anything that isn't macaroni and cheese or cheese. She gave me a big smile and said that she she had eaten the green beans so I gave her more macaroni and cheese then asked her where her fork was and looked in the sink to see if she put it in the sink and lo and behold what do you think I saw in the sink? No, not a hippopotomas, stay focused here... I saw her green beans. I wish I could have taken a photo of her face at that very moment, it was hilarious, that "Oh shit, I'm busted!" look. Needless to say, she got more green beans and I get a giggle every time I think of that look on her face.

*update* (because you know you haven't gotten nearly enough of my self indulgent monronic discussion of my progeny's eating habits)

Cabbage Patch will not actually put the green beans in her own mouth, she has decided that the only way she will eat them is if i put them on the fork and feed them to her like she's a damn 6 month old. It's not that she doesn't LIKE them (when Super Girl was little she would only not eat things that made her GAG and even when I MADE her take a bite she would GAG) she just won't be bothered to put them in her own mouth. Sheesh, is it too late for an abortion? Just kidding! just kidding! Really! But I have considered Ebay!

Quizes

Just filling space so sue me.

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a firestorm - full of intensity and drama. Your thoughts may seem scattered to you most of the time... But they often seem strong and passionate to those around you. You are a natural influencer. The thoughts you share are very powerful and persuading.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

hehehe... firestorm.

You Are 60% Weird

You're so weird, you think you're *totally* normal. Right? But you wig out even the biggest of circus freaks!

How Weird Are You?

I'm weird? ME? Go figure!

You Should Get a MFA (Masters of Fine Arts)

You're a blooming artistic talent, even if you aren't quite convinced. You'd make an incredible artist, photographer, or film maker.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

WOW! I'm so freaking surprised! Me an artist, who'd have thought?

You Are Chinese Food

Exotic yet ordinary. People think they've had enough of you, but they're back for more in an hour.

What Kind of Food Are You?

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Now With Better Cell Signal AND More Toll Boths!

So have you missed me? Internet, I have missed you so dearly, it’s been sad. It’s not that I haven’t BEEN here staring at you and letting you suck me into your net that wastes all my time and sucks out my will to do anything other than just sit here and spend all of my time with you, but the truth is Internet, I have a fucking life and just haven’t had time for you. No really, it’s true. I’ve been busy Internet, I still LOVE you, I’m just BUSY. And about to get EVEN busier as I’m starting FAIRE sewing this week. WOOHOO! So yeah… if you are wanting to get me to be your bitch… er… sewing bitch that is, now is the time to get with me. E-mail me or call me or what the fuck ever.

Baby, What’s Yo Digits?

My cell is back up. I’m so pissed at myself at this moment because I actually MISSED my cell when it was down. Damn you D for getting me all hooked on the cell. I missed it most this weekend when I use it most. I didn’t have it to call anyone on Friday while driving to the club. AND most of all I didn’t have it to call people while driving between hospitals! DAMN! I’m sorry Jovan, I WOULD have called you to hear of your latest adventures (sorry I didn’t answer last night, I just didn’t hear it driving home, I had the music up to damn loud and was in a weird place in my head anyway, feel free to call again and we’ll discuss your most recent sleazy activities at great lengths), Gamer Boy, I would have called you too… probably woke you up, but whatever… and anyone else who’s phone number I have, I certainly would have called you on Saturday, BUT I couldn’t, I was cock blocked from my cell and I suffered from it. Fucking phone companies wanting their payments and shit. Fuckers! But I digress… the cell is live again, feel free to call me. ;)

Nail Polish Problems

Today is a holiday for Super Girl, gawd-help-me. These are days I want to call the city and ask just WHERE my tax dollars are going? Haven’t I had to pay school taxes since I moved here? How is my tax money going to a good education for my offspring if she’s home with me today? I mean, FUCK I know about the only thing this kid has learned today is that mommy is listening to some music that has the word BITCH in it and that mommy will throw away Pikachu if I fucking see it on the floor one more damn time. Anyway… again, I digress… I let the offspring take a bath so I can have just 20 freaking minutes of peace without having to hear them scream my name or me having to trip over the little yellow electric rat. While they bathe happily (read: splash around like maniacs until every square inch of bathroom floor is saturated with bathwater) I pick up my FAVORITE bottle of OPI red nail polish. Last week when my sister was over she tried to get it open but couldn’t, I had tried to get it open earlier that day and couldn’t either so I did a French manicure and just didn’t worry about it. Today I figured I’d see if I could get it open and I did, BUT… I broke the damn bottle! Yeah, I broke off the part with the threads. POP! It just broke off. I was just going to see if I COULD get it open, I wasn’t ready to paint my nails but at that moment, I realized that I’d have to paint them RIGHT THEN or risk the bottle getting nasty and dried out or worse having the tiny terrorist discover the state of it’s openness and using it to paint cryptic and evil runes of control on the kitchen cabinets. In between checking on the offspring in the bathwater and painting my nails, I managed to spill nail polish on my favorite leopard print night gown and on my hands. So much for the Tiny Terrorists making the messes. And at this very moment, my manicure looks like complete ass! So whatever. At least I wasn’t coloring my hair or something like that.

Toll Booth Boogie

I’ve been traveling the toll roads a lot lately and I’m SHOCKED and appalled at that. I’ve been spending enough in tolls lately that I could have had two tall Caramel Frappichinos from Starbucks this past weekend. Really! Can you believe that? My money going to pay tolls and not for overpriced coffee drinks. It’s cool though, so far it’s been worth it – I HAVE gotten coffee at my destination. But ya know, that just makes me think that maybe the toll authority needs to change how they do toll booths. They should do them like they do our sports and event arenas in the area, they should allow corporate sponsorship of toll booths. Krispe Kream could sponsor one, Starbucks another, Smirnoff Vodka the next set, Coke after that… And they could offer special toll tags that would charge you for a frappichino and a toll, a donut and a toll, a drink and a toll, you get the idea. I think I’d be less pissy driving the toll roads if I actually thought my money was going for something worthwhile – like coffee.

Well I need to go to the store with the Tiny Terrorists before they zip my cat up in a backpack again.

MORE later! I’ll tell you about the horrifying Snatchsquatch! Too much CAKE! And shopping in SEG’s closet.

Gerbil’s Favorite Cereal

First I must apologize for my absence from the internet lately. It is not due to popular misconception that I’ve been in a special detox program for internet addiction, but due to circumstances beyond my control, as in things that are stupid and evil.

Enough of that, on to other things in random order.

So today I was sitting here on the sofa and out of the corner of my eye I see a little black rodent come out from under my cedar chest, stand up, look around then scamper back under. That would be MY very own cute little black rodent, Hanta Virus gerbil escape artist. Shit. Now I was going to have to catch my gerbil who was now exploring the great uncharted (by gerbil kind) territory of my living room. This is a place what with all the cereal, popcorn, raisins and other such food-ish items that have fallen in between the sofa cushions or have been hidden under the couches, etc. by the Little People that a gerbil could live for days if not weeks. EXCEPT for the CAT (I would say CATS but Dusty couldn’t catch a rodent if it walked up to her and had a heart attack right on her paws).

Yes the Mouser Extraordinaire who was snoozed right next to me on the couch as I spied the little escapee to my left. I realized I’d have to work quickly if I was going to catch the rodent before Sunshine woke up, so I (stupidly) enlisted the help of the Little People in catching Hanta. I dashed to the kitchen to get some bread to lure her out with and told the Little People to bang on the other end of the chest. This was just a comedy of errors. I had to continue to tell Cabbage Patch to bang on the OTHER end of the chest as she kept banging near where I was, and about the time she moved to the end I wanted banged on, Super Girl moved where she was. *sigh* I sat with a piece of bread on my hand and waited for Hanta to come get the snack. About the time she emerged both Little People saw her and lunged for her, causing her to dart back under the chest.

I took a deep breath and muttered many curse words then told the Little People to NOT move when and if she came out again. And when she did… they lunged again. *sigh* I no longer muttered my curse words and told them to GET AWAY!

I realized that Hanta wasn’t under the chest anymore and was now behind the sofa, so I sat down to consider my options. The little blighter peeked out of the right side of the sofa briefly. Damn her. This caused me to grab the sofa pillow that had fallen on the floor and throw it on the sofa… right on top of the sleeping cats… and to wake Sunshine The Magic Cat, AKA The Great Mouser. I suddenly realized the error of my pillow toss and hoped Hanta had some wild instincts that would tell her to keep under the sofa while deadly feline was AWAKE. That was a very brief hope as my gerbil peeked out again. Sunshine didn’t miss a thing and jumped down to play tag with my rodent, luckily I had anticipated that my gerbil was pretty stupid and that my cat was up for a game of smack the mousy and I managed to snag that cat by the scruff of her neck mid jump. That cat is 5 lbs of lean, toned, mouse killing muscle and I had a bitch of a time keeping a hold of her as I grabbed her lazy sister (no challenge catching her) and locked them both in my bedroom whilst I did my rodent wrangling.

After the aforementioned felines were sealed in my room for my rodent’s protection I resumed trying to find my gerbil. I knew she was at the other end of the couch now and started to look there.

Oh wait... I must back up for a moment. Prior to waking the cat I asked the Little People to go get a flash light since I didn’t know where they put the ones they were playing with recently. They both get up and go into my bedroom with Super Girl saying she knows where one is. A few minutes go by and I yell for them to HURRY UP and they say they are still looking. I finally go check out what the hell they are doing just in time to see them reach into my night stand drawer and pull something out that is buzzing. Yes, Super Girl was holding BOB and not just any BOB but BIG BOB who is purple! I yell at her to put that back and she looks at me with horror and confusion and asks “How do you make it stop?” *sigh* I told her to push the damn button and put it back. Now why does that always happen when someone is looking for a FLASHLIGHT?

Anyway, the gerbil finally came out from under the right side of the couch and went under the stool, where I cornered her… or so I thought, then under my computer... then around the corner into the kitchen and between the dishwasher. All thanks to two kids who don’t know the meaning of STAND STILL! Every time they saw Hanta they would squeal and lunge for her. I don’t blame her for running, my gerbils will come to my hands but they are leery of the offspring, but rightfully so – just last week Cabbage Patch DROPPED Hanta on the floor AND while I was cleaning out the cage she kept poking at Hanta until she finally got bitten on the finger. So yeah, if I was Hanta, there’s no way I’d trusts the Tiny Terrorist either.

Now Hanta had dashed in a small rodent sized opening next to the dishwasher and I had to get her out before my cats became EVIL and VENGEFUL and voluntarily hacked up something disgusting on my pillows. I went to the pantry for my secret weapon, Hanta’s favorite food – Kix cereal. The Little People were banished from the kitchen as I crouched on the floor with 4 pieces of cereal in my hand and shook the box. As if trained by Pavlov himself, my gerbil came right out. Mission accomplished, one sneaky little gerbil back in her cage. Upon inspection of the rodent penal colony I realized that I had left a part of the tubing open from when I cleaned the cage. DOH!

Bath Time, Chocolate Cupcakes and Things That Vibrate

I knew that would catch your attention. I just got out of the bath (well not just, it’s been almost 2 hours now), it was a delightful bath. Something I rarely do… the BATH thing, not bathe in general, asshat. I am really a shower girl with the occasional HOT SOAKING BATH thrown in. Today I used the fabulous green tea bath stuff given to me as a gift. Ahhhhh… and I took a bath BY MY SELF. Despite their absolute cuteness at that very moment of life, I did NOT let the offspring join my bath thus ruining the effect of the HOT SOAKING BATH. Anyone with progeny knows how desperately difficult it is to tell two little ones NO to their pleas to bathe, especially when they have the delightfully chocolate smeared faces. BUT, I said NO because I wanted to take a bath ALONE. So I shoo’d them out of my bathroom and demanded they be sent to bed then commenced my bathing ALONE… well mostly. It was me and the two Piss On Me Bath Babies. What? You have no idea what a Piss On Me Bath Baby is? Let me tell you, it’s the physical incarnation of hate from the giver of this LOVELY toy to the parent of the child this is given. Yes HATE and a LOT of it. I mean honestly who the fuck thinks it’s a FABULOUS idea to give a little girl a doll that drinks AND wets??? It’s like giving someone a puppy who can’t be house broken and making sure that this dog has a 2 minute bladder and likes to drink. I don’t think anything that can piss on me is a good gift. AND the absolute BEST part of this doll is that it is billed as a BATH TIME doll also! YAY! Which means that it briefly was not in the bath tub after they opened the boxes, and it now spends 24/7 in the freaking tub. WHY?? Let me explain this. This doll has a little hole in it’s mouth so that an evil little person can feed it a doll bottle full of water, it also has a hole between it’s dolly legs so it can piss on whoever it’s being fed by (now who the hell thought THAT was fun??) This is all well and good (not really but go with me), but the doll has hollow doll arms and legs. These ALSO fill up with water, especially when this monstrosity is submerged in the bath tub, which happens several hundred times during a bath as a gleeful child will hold the doll under water as though trying to drown it like a crack whore babysitter then hold it up and giggle as the water empties from the doll saying “Look! She’s peeing on me!” which will cause any mother to develop a nervous twitch and make them gently tell their child to cut that the hell out. As for me, the first time it happened I had a horrible flash forward of my youngest progeny in a fetish club… I refused to think of the rest and just smacked her and her sister on the back of the head and told them to stop it or I’d have to set the damn dolls on fire (hey cut me some slack, I have to deal with catching both offspring on one of the posts of my four poster bed practicing their pole dancing after baths. It’s SCARY, I don’t want to think of anything WORSE than that.)

So I bathed and I decided that I didn’t want Baby Piss On Me or her sister Incontinence Girl to share the bath with me. I decided to empty them of their water (another reason to hate the dolls, they are ALWAYS full of water, so they HAVE to stay in the damn tub). I held the dolls up and allowed them to *ahem* pee. I squeezed their heads to hurry it the hell up. I shook the dolls to make sure they were empty, nope. I wiggled their arms and kept emptying the dolls. Still water. I finally realized I’d have to remove the damn dolls legs to get all the water out. So I did. Now there are two amputee dolls on the bathroom floor and for some reason that gives me great satisfaction.

On to other things… let me back track a bit.

As you recall, the Tiny Terrorists have been doing their best… er worst… um... whatever… They’ve been brats. Horrible little brats that make going out in public an embarrassment at best. The only comfort I could get was the sympathetic looks from other mothers at WalMart. ANYWAY, Wednesday of last week they joined me in my bedroom in the morning to watch a movie in my room, because for some reason that’s so much cooler than in the living room. So whatever, that meant I could sleep in a bit as they watched Muppet Treasure Island for the 500th time. I decided to get up before the movie was done and they said they wanted to finish watching the movie in my room. I had a moment of stupidity as I LET them. When I returned to the room 20 minutes later I saw them crouched in the middle of my bed looking at me while trying to HIDE something. I asked what it was and they claimed ignorance. I looked around and lo and behold they had done it AGAIN! They opened their Chanukah presents! And they were eating the chocolate gelt. I immediately felt a raging headache start and yelled something unintelligible to the Tiny Terrorist before demanding they get OUT of my room and go sit for time outs which might last for the rest of the fucking day! I then telephoned their father at work and got his voice mail so I left a message: “K, your children just opened up all of their Chanukah presents. Why don’t you give me a call.” He called back within 20 minutes with fear in his voice to asses the situation (and see if he needed to bring home a tranquilizer dart gun), offered to bring home dinner and offered me sympathy. They weren’t much better the rest of the day and that left me wishing someone would give me two large dog crates for Chanukah. Kent arrived home early and with dinner and a Chanukah gift for me... no, not a dog crate, but something that VIBRATES!!!

It’s not what you think, but I love it almost as much as BOB. It’s a vibrating neck pillow. It’s lovely. I wish it had a bed like that. The Tiny Terrorist were all about the pillow until I made them hold it on my neck as I sat here at the computer. Yes I did. I made them hold the pillow as punishment and they both LOATHED it. I think from now on they’ll have to hold that damn pillow every time they misbehave. Why not, they GIVE me headaches when they act like they are demon possessed, why not make them work to get RID of my headaches??

Anyway… that’s it for now. I’m tired. Happy New Year.

Happy, er... New Year

So here I sit after a LONG ass day at work and fuck I wish I was napping which is what I need to do as I have some festivities to be attending to later tonight as in getting wasted because it’s the New Year and I fucking can, but lo, I am not NAPPING as I so very much need to be doing because I am awaiting TACOS which I have demanded that K go out and procure for my dining pleasures… er… maybe not pleasures, but dining necessities… if that makes any sense… dinner. Yes dinner as I am fucking hungry because I got to work at nearly 8 am today and finished work at 5:15 today with just a mere 15 minute break, one Starbucks Frappichino (on the way to my second hospital), a large Dr. Pepper and 4 peanut butter crackers (Ritz). Now I’m all light headed and giddy because I’m tired and hungry and I WANT my FUCKING TACOS now. But I digress, because this is the closing of the year and I need to make a closing of the year post… or something like that… I promise that I WILL get back to the VIBRATING THING post. Really I will, but honestly I can not really focus right now… so tired and hungry… TACOS!

For now, I must make snarky comments about people I encountered today. One woman said to me “Just don’t make him look gay!” of the taking of the photo of her son. I started laughing and she explained how her husband made the very inappropriate joke that their son might be gay because he wouldn’t breast feed. Hehehe… And I laughed. I laughed and laughed, but she thought it was because of her comment but it was because I was so tempted to tell her that her comment was funny, very funny even, TO ME because my husband is GAY. I didn’t tell her, didn’t want to ruin her little funny with my real life gay sitcom life which is really quite funny in a really kind of sad way. Another woman made me want to smack her because she was having trouble making up her mind if she wanted photos or not (Jesus Gay on a pogo stick! It’s baby pictures not life or fucking death!) and with a very serious look (very fake nails, too much makeup) and tears in her over mascaraed eyes told me that she had an ‘emergency cesarean’ (on the freaking 29th!!!), in a told that told me she EXPECTED me to gasp, pat her hand, declare her a ‘poor dear’ and excuse her idiotness before bowing down and asking her exactly HOW I could serve her. Well what the fuck ever, my time is money, I told her I’d check back with her tomorrow or even later today and she informed me that I should CALL her to check and see if she wanted me to do her baby’s photos. I fought the overpowering urge to laugh rudely and roll my eyes at her and instead smirked and said I’d do that if I had time then walked out to take care of paying customers. This lady needed a smack and for someone to point out to her that she’s not the first person to have a baby, nor an ‘emergency cesarean’ and she needed to get the fuck over herself. Since I actually don’t get paid to do that I just walked away and called her moments before leaving today.

WHERE ARE MY TACOS?????

This year…

Has been one of the best years of my whole freaking life! I have the best friends ever, I won’t go into a long list of people as that would just be unnecessary and embarrassing to everyone, but you KNOW who you are and you KNOW I LOVE YOU.

This year hasn’t been easy and I thank each and every one of you who offered kind words, held my hand, gave me booze, took me out or held my hand while I acted like a ‘tard. You made me feel like I really mattered in this world.

Thanks to all of you who drug me to faire and to those I drug to faire with me. I wish I had done this whole rennie thing long ago instead of listening to an idiot boyfriend who discouraged me from doing this.

Thanks to everyone who let me camp with them, near them, in the general vicinity of them. If I was falling down drunk in your camper, camping area, tent, etc. I hope I wasn’t too much of an imposition. I had a great time.

Thanks to everyone who went clubbin’ with me and endured my frightening and trampy fashion choices. Thanks for all the drinks, and dancing and laughs and Taco Cabana after.

Thanks for all the gaming.

Thanks for all the sex and sex toys.

Thanks for all you’ve done, I am nothing without you. *smooch* *smooch*

And most of all, Thanks for ALL THE COFFEE!

2006 is going to ROCK with you around.

Okay, my TACOS are here. I need sleep and recharging for partying tonight.

Oh How I Love Things That VIBRATE!

Ahhh, but before I elaborate on the above fact (which is completely obvious to most people who know me) I must go into how very, very EVIL the Tiny Terrorists were today. Wait… wait... I need to go back a day and tell about THE CHINEESE RESTAURANT EXPERIENCE OF DOOM or How The Tiny Terrorists Gave Everyone A Reason To Keep Birth Control Available To EVERYONE. I swear yesterday my offspring were a good argument to keep abortion legal… even retroactive abortion. *sigh*

Anyway… The plan was for Badra to come get myself and the Tiny Terrorists so we all could go have a NICE lunch with Lerxst and Sable. We planned this a while back and it SEEMED sane at that time. I had taken Cabbage Patch out with Badra several times and she was always very good. I’ve been over to Lerxst and Sable’s with both offspring before and never felt the urge to lock them in a kennel so I was FAIRLY comfortable with this.

That morning I bathed both and dressed them in matching dresses then fixed their hair in matching hair styles (yes I know, obsessive). Badra arrived and the Little People were still sweet. We drove over to Lerxst and Sable’s all the while listening to the Chanukah Kids Songs CD Badra got for the Little People. Well I THOUGHT they were listening, but now I realize they were plotting and planning. We arrived and the Tiny Terrorists were gifted with a gift so evil and despised that I immediately planned to put it in the offspring’s luggage for when they spend the weekends with their daddy and Mr. B. hehehehe… Its fart putty. All it does is make fart noises and I knew that K would hate it so much he’d put out a Gay Mafia hit on whoever bought it for the progeny. So… Lerxst and Sable, if ever you find yourself being tailed by what looks to be the cast from Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, I suggest you duck into a Pier One or an Old Navy to get away from them.

The next thing that happened sent up red flags but for some gawd forsaken reason I kept my fool mouth shut. As we ADULTS were discussing where we should dine and all being terribly undecided, Sable turned to one of the Tiny Terrorists and asked her what she would like to eat. As a parent I’ve learned that unless that child is actually PAYING for the meal, the child should never ever make the decision on where to dine. Honestly, why would you trust someone who considers Chef Boyardee to be gourmet food and macaroni and cheese to be a staple that all meals should be built around. Super Girl surprised me by saying ‘Chinese’ and off we went.

As soon as we sat at the table and got menus I knew this would not go smoothly. I was fully expecting this to be a buffet place, which is actually mostly safe fro the offspring as they can choose their own food and there is an actual chance that Cabbage Patch will actually EAT something. I negotiated with Super Girl on food and pretty much ignored Cabbage Patch who had switched into BRAT mode the moment we got back in Badra’s truck. I scanned the menu and saw that there was nothing that Cabbage Patch would actually EAT on there save possibly some fried rice. I asked Super Girl three times if she wanted beef and broccoli since she likes that, but she insisted that she wanted SOUP. The special was Moo Goo Gi Pan and I recalled that we (me and the offspring) had eaten that once while out with D so I went ahead and ordered that since it came with SOUP and FRIED rice, I figured there was a CHANCE that Super Girl would eat the soup and some of the veggies. Cabbage Patch wasn’t going to have anything other than air and discontent.

The soup arrived and Super Girl was shocked to see what egg drop soup was and thought it was gross – more negotiations over her actually TRYING it before saying it’s nasty. Much whining had already started from Cabbage Patch who was bitching saying she wanted something else, pizza or something (she never wants what we are having unless it’s macaroni and cheese). Our food arrived and THEN the real bitching began. Cabbage Patch refused to touch ANYTHING. Super Girl only wanted soup but not the soup that was brought to her. I ordered her a bowl of wonton soup and people tried to bribe her and her sister into eating. I continued to mutter threats under my breath to the offspring with mixed results. Super Girl ate some of her soup and started eating the veggies out of what I ordered for them and from other people’s plates, but Cabbage Patched switched into WHINE OVER DRIVE. She bitched about wanting noodles so I ordered her a plate of just noodles and when they arrived they were the WRONG kind of noodles. She refused to even touch them. She scowled and whined… loudly. I finally had enough. I took her off to the bathroom to have a TALK with her where she was told to shut the whining up and that she didn’t have to eat but she did have to shut up and finally that if she whined again I would take her back to the bathroom and spank her. We returned to the table where she sat with her arms crossed, scowling at the world… but she was silent. We finished lunch in relative peace and I took home a lot of left overs. (eyes rolling up in head)

And how I wish that was the END of this horrid saga, but it’s not. The EVILNESS continued… More to come (and, uh... the explanation on the VIBRATING part, for now I must just leave you hanging though.

Pride Flag Menorah and Pink Tree


Well so what if Santa was right???

Angel of Combat And War-->
You're a strong individual who does not need the love
of other people to get by. You're a leader and
everyone recognizes that. You are represented by
the horse, a graceful and powerful animal that
rushes in to face danger and comes out unscathed. You
stay strong and are represented by the color
red, the blood of the fools crazy enough to
cross your path.


What are you the angel of?? (beautiful anime pics)
brought to you by Quizilla


~Seductive Angel~

"Wow this is a good one". You know why
you have fallen to earth and it's because you
wanted sex one more time. Thats a big no no in
heaven. Your lust meter is at its best, your
good at what you do in bed and everyone knows
it. "Heaven in a Devils bed" (You
keep it hot). Just remember to stay true to
your loved ones they take a while to catch up
with you so be patient... Keep your kinky and
adventurous ways they make up you. Your loved
one loves your sex just remember what they
like..


What Kind Of Fallen Angel Are You? (For Boys & Girls)
brought to you by Quizilla

You are a Dark Red Rose

You represent unconscious beauty and deep passion. Your vibe: sophisticated and worldly Falling in love with you is: wildly carnal and forbidden

What Color Rose Are You?

I Measure Love In Coffee and Sugar

(my lovely presents of coffee, cookies and chocolate)

Just kidding, (mostly). This holiday season has been a lovely caffeinated one for me. I’ve gotten many, many gifts of coffee and chocolate (K has been absolved from all his sins of this past year for bringing me a BOX of very dark chocolate bars – a BOX as in 12 bars! The funny part is that they have a label on them that says ‘best if used by 09.05.07’ AS IF! I doubt these delightful morsels will last until New Years EVE! Of this year!)

While I’ve been tempted to drink coffee like a chain smoker with a carton of cigs, I have managed to control myself, if only due to my horrible reflux and the fact that caffeine makes it WORSE. If not for that, self control be damned! I wouldn’t sleep until next year sometime! Oh well, I suppose this just helps me to SAVOR my gifts that much more. But I digress (as I sip this fabulous cup of Irish Cream favored java), the holidays are a happening and I’m doing them!

Christmas happened and I worked. Yee-haw. It actually wasn’t that bad. I don’t mind working the holidays, especially a holiday that isn’t important to me. The people are generally pretty nice and I get HOLIDAY PAY, so it’s not to bad. This Christmas was pretty much like that, except I had been invited to a lovely dinner with a new and most fabulous friend, Rose and her family. Their dinner was set for 3 ish. Cool, I figured that since it was a holiday and I’d worked my ass off the day before, I’d be out of there by 1 pm or 2 pm at the latest. And I would have, except my last client was in the breast feeding class when I arrived. The class generally runs until 2:30pm and more often 3 pm. *sigh* I didn’t want to wait, I had PLANS. I explained the options to the grandma who was in the room and smiled politely, I told her nicely that I didn’t get paid if I wasn’t taking photos so I just couldn’t wait around for an hour or more. She smiled, she said she understood, she offered me money and she asked me sweetly to stay. I realized she was quite desperate for her first grand child’s photos to be made. I told her I’d make a call, I had a dinner to be at but if they were okay with me being late, I would wait and she did not have to pay me. She said that if I had a dinner to be at she understood and not to worry, but I could see and hear her disappointment and I’d already made up my mind that I would wait if Rose and her family didn’t mind. Rose and Mommy Rose didn’t mind at all so I went back to wait with grandma. We watched part of A Christmas Story and chatted until baby and mom arrived. The photos were fabulous and the family was so thankful. Then grandma tossed some money on my cart as I was leaving, I protested and she insisted very insistently that I TAKE it. So I did, I stuffed it in my pocket and went to put away my equipment, I figured it was $5 or $10 I’d use for gas money. As I uploaded the photos of the day, I took the money out of my ugly smock pocket and looked at it before putting in my purse. It wasn’t $5 or $10. It was $40. She didn’t have to pay me anything, them being so happy over the photos was enough for me.

So I left there and made it to Rose’s home and was maybe an hour late. I met Mommy Rose (whom I absolutely adore) and a cute friend of Rose’s. The meal was amazing (roast lamb!), the dessert was to die for (chocolate raspberry cake!) and the company was to fabulous.

I left at 7:30 pm, though I could have stayed all night and talked. I had a most interesting time figuring out how to get out of the parking lot of her apartments – I’m so ghetto I don’t know how to get out of a gated place. Doh. Eventually I did managed to get out and find my way home without getting lost (I had already done that getting there). I headed over to K’s brother’s house to meet him and the Little People and develop a lovely migraine (damn the weather!).

Peace and Harmony or Temporary Insanity

Sunshine still hates Coco, but she's pretending to like the dog (in front of me) just to get close enough to take a swipe at her (she used to do this with my dog, poor thing was so paranoid around that damn cat). Coco is not quite so stupid as to trust the motives of Sunshine, she will let Sunshine get within 6 inches then back away which leaves Sunshine looking frustrated.

Now Dusty is another story. I just looked up to see her and Coco playing. I have just watched them play this kind of hide and around the corner and up the stairs. Sunshine is just looking on with absolute revulsion. I'm watching with confusion. Complete confusion because Dusty hates other animals. All other animals, I think she only tolerates her sister because they are litter mates. Every other pet we've brought into this household has been met with hissing and scratching. All visiting pets have been met with just as much venom if not more. But Coco, she was PLAYING with her. This is also odd because Dusty doesn't play much. She's a very uncoordinated cat, I've actually seen this cat trip, she doesn't usually land on her feet and seems embarassed when we see her do something like that. And she was playing with Coco... I could totally blame this on hormones as she's in heat now, except that's NEVER EVER made her even one tiny bit nicer to any of the other animals - NEVER. Not even the ever amorous bunny. She's a bitchy cat and for some reason she seems to like Coco - maybe she's just pretending to like Coco to piss of Sunshine (it's working).

You Were a Little Naughty This Year!

While you're not likely to greet Santa with sucker punch... He's still not too jolly about coming to your house. You might get a small token from Mr. Claus Like some detox pills for your liver.

Were You Naughty or Nice This Year?

Hey! I'm the GOOD ONE! Mostly...

From The Desk Of S. Claus
North Pole

Dear Super Girl and Cabbage Patch;

I recently got a report that you two opened all your Christmas presents early. This is a BAD, BAD thing. Prior to this even, I already had a file on both of you – quite thick I might add. I took some time to review the file and discovered a couple of puzzling things. Seems your mom is Jewish so that would make you half Jewish by default. Based on that evidence, even before this unfortunate event of early present opening you were slated for only half of the loot that the average Christian child would get (sorry, it’s the rules, I have to draw the line somewhere, ya know. It’s not like I really can compete with 8 nights of presents!). Secondly your dad is GAY! What the hell? I’m not even sure what to say about that, it’s really not in the books here, kike mom, gay dad – there is no entry like that! So I’m just going to have to play it by ear since the Elves Union is still working on a new updated more PC list of rules.

Here is my decision, since you opened all your presents prior to December 25th, you will forfeit all the presents I was going to bring (not really much to cry over, you only get half anyway). Of course I had to consider that you have a Jewish mom so that makes you half and you have a gay dad so that makes you… um.. confused… And since Santa is feeling sorry for you, you can expect to have some loot in your stocking, nothing big, just a sympathy offering. Sheesh… Jew mom, gay dad… am I going to know your house by the pink tree with rainbow colored ornaments and pride flag menorah?? My one piece of advice for you kids is to join a cult, it’s got to be less confusing than this family.

Warmest regards,
Santa

PS
Tell your mom to leave out some Jack and Coke, I have a feeling I may need it this year.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	Low
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	High
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	High
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Dependent Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Moderate
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

Wow... that makes me almost sane!

Avoidance, Life’s Best Lesson

With dog sitting comes the happy little task of walking said dog so that it doesn't take a crap in the house. I just returned from that lovely task, I of course took the Little People with me as they are home and gawd knows they are so in love with this dog they are still in full on stalker mode and therefore that means they want to be near the dog even during the most unpleasant parts of the dogs life, like when she’s trying to take a crap. I would not be surprised if this dog files for a restraining order by Saturday.

ANYWAY after the dog does her ‘business’ in the wooded area next to the creek (place strategically chosen by me as to make the picking up of steaming piles of dog poo unnecessary), we walk further down the sidewalk before heading back toward home. During the walk I continually tell the Tiny Terrorists to NOT walk in the grass, that’s where the dog just went poo. Right after the third time I tell Cabbage Patch to stay on the sidewalk because dogs poo there Super Girl yells “Cabbage Patch! You got something on your shoe!” … yes, you know what it was. Dog Shit. Damn it. The rest of the conversation went like this:

Me: ohhhh… damn. Wipe your boot in the grass. No like this! No, like THIS! Look at me! Like THIS!
Super Girl: EWWWWWWW!!!! Dog poo!
Coco: Arf! Arf!
Cabbage Patch: Aaaaaaahhhhhhh! *running on ahead*
Me: Cabbage Patch! Stop! Stop! Now!
Super Girl: EWWWWWW!!!! She stepped in DOG POO!
Coco: Arf! Arf!
Cabbage Patch: Aaaaaahhhhhhh! *running in circles now*
Me: Stop! Now wipe your foot on the grass. No, the grass! NO… THE… GRASS. Right HERE.
Super Girl: EWWWWWWW!!!! DOG POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Coco: Arf! Arf!
Cabbage Patch: Aaaaahhhhh!!! *running towards home*
Me: Stop! Wait! Fine. Take your boots off at the door! Did you hear me? TAKE YOUR BOOTS OFF AT THE DOOR!

The whole time I’m considering just setting the boots on fire but knowing that’s just a little extreme and stupid since these boots are her FAVORITE foot wear currently (aside from the monkey flip flops, but it’s a tad too cold for flip flops these days) and she can get them on with NO help from me. But they have DOG SHIT on them and that makes me NEVER EVER want to see them again. Hell I’ve been known to throw away shoes after stepping in dog shit, but these are THE BOOTS. Shit. Dog shit. So I just demand that the boots come off before I even unlock the door and after settling them in to adore the dog, I take the Clorox Clean Up spray out and spray about half of it on the bottom of the shoe, I plan to do that several more times today and will probably leave the boots outside tonight and a final spray of cleaning stuff before I allow them back in the house. I know that I’m probably going to be haunted by phantom poop smell every time I see the boots though, so they ultimately may need to be burned for my sanity. Ewwww! Dog poo!

But on the bright side, my child has now learned a valuable life lesson: It's wise to side step the piles of shit.

Holiday Cheer


Isn't that lovely. Holiday cards! (notice the very cool Chanukah card) I've misplaced a few, but i'm sure I'll find them soon enough.

What a difference a day makes. So far this day is not a huge steaming pile of shit. Last night Coco the Wonder Dog slept in my bed. So did Sunshine the Magic Cat. Sounds cozy doesn't it? How wrong you are. Sunshine hates Coco being here. She hates Coco's very existance. Every time she sees Coco she starts to think of new and painful ways to rid the world of Coco and wishes she shot flames or lasers from her eyes. Every time Coco is within 3 feet of her, she poofs up like a bottle brush and hisses like an aresol can. She despises Coco to the core of her little body. But she loves me. Obsessively and possively. But love is love right, even if you have to get a restraining order (thank heavens she doesn't have thumbs and can't talk) Coco is a sweet dog. She likes everyone in my home... except Sunshine. She tried to like Sunshine, but Sunshine did that hissy, poofy thing everytime she got near. Sunshine tried to eat her food and still got all hissy and pouffy, talk about graditude.

Coco slept on my bed last night. Sunshine usually sneaks into my room and sleeps on my bed at night. Sunshine was NOT happy about Coco being on my bed... on HER bed. She spent most of yesterday hiding under the table away from the dog except for the few times she came out to try to eat Coco's food or just to hiss at her, so I honestly thought Coco being on my bed would keep Sunshine off the bed, which is good because Sunshine has a bad habit of licking my face at 3 am to show me the love and interupt my sleep. No, Sunshine would not give up her spot on the bed. Coco wasn't about to move. All last night she glared at Coco from her pillow and when Coco ventured too close, I was awakend by growls. What a fun night.

Today, Coco has started to growl at Sunshine when she starts that hissy shit. Today while Cabbage Patch was napping in my bed Coco decides NOW is when she needs to assert herself. I smacked the hissing cat with a pillow. I smacked the growling dog with the same pillow. They both shut up, neither moved but they looked away from each other and pretended they didn't exsist. They are like pissy teenaged girls. I'd throw them both in the creek if they weren't so damn cute (and D would string me up if anything happened to Coco!).

They hate each other. Funny thing is, that distance between each other that they allow is getting smaller and smaller. By the end of the week I expect them to be curled up together on the couch, quietly growling at each other. Ahhh, 'tis the season!

Cutiest Dog In The World


See, not everything in my life is a steaming pile of shit right now, I happen to be dog sitting my niece doggie this week while D is in Florida visiting her buddy Mickey for the holidays. Tonight I'll have the sweetest dog curled up on my bed as my cat crouches in a corner and plots her death. Man, life is great.

Bah! Humbug! Part II
Or
What The Hell Was I Thinking???

Today I had the insane thought that when K got home we would grab a quick dinner and go to the store to do some quick holiday shopping then to the grocery store to pick up some stuff to make cookies for Super Girl's holiday party tomorrow. Seems simple, right? Well that's where your thinking is just WRONG.

We get in the car and begin negotiations on where to go to dinner, just as we pass the exit to go to the NEW Cafe Brazil in my area is when we decide that is where we will have dinner. Fine, no problem, take the next exit and turn around. I go to turn around and K advises me to go to the next street and take a right... well as soon as it's too damn late to go the way I had originally planned, I see that traffic is at a stand still due to an accident. Now, this would normally only be a minor anoyance except that tonight I had the Tiny Terrorist in full CHAOS and DESTRUCTION mode and they were bickering in the back seat and yelling for me or K to intervien. I turned the music up and tried to drown out their noise.

Eventually we made it to Cafe Brazil where I prayed that the copious amounts of coffee I was soon to ingest would help to get rid of my pounding headache. One bright spot, Tuesdays at this Cafe Brazil, kids eat free. Yay. Dinner starts out nice and peaceful even but eventually disolves into whining and petulance and a sibling smacking incident. By the time we pay and leave I could swear I heard the waitstaff muttering something about duct tape and muzzles. Off to Half Price Books we go.

Half Price Books where everything is FINE until it's time to go and Cabbage Patch learns that we are NOT buying HER books wherein she proceeds to let EVERYONE know that she's NOT happy and she WANTS a BOOK. I'm sure EVERYONE in the store enjoyed that and a few probably swore off EVER having children at that very moment. By the time I was finished paying for our books, Super Girl had decided that her sister could not garner more negative attention than her and she started acting like a monkey on crack and couldn't keep her hands off ANYTHING and refused to listen to ME. When we got to the door I gave them both the Vulcan Mommy Arm Pinch and spoke to them through clenched teeth about how we don't act like maniacs in stores and though I got several 'yes ma'am's, I knew I was talking to myself.

Off to Albertsons we went to get cookie stuff. By this time I was ready to just throw in the towel and head home, but I had it in my twisted little mind that I WAS going to do the cookies for the damn holiday party. I figured I'd just buy the slice and bake kind then let the kids decorate them. Much to my irritation ALL of the slice and bake packages of sugar cookie dough was gone. ALL that was left was two tubes of chocolate chip cookie dough. Damn it. We left Albies and headed to Brookshires in hopes of finding the sugar cookie dough. Although in the short drive from Albertsons to Brookshires due to the constant whining and bickering of the Tiny Terrorists I had lost my will to bake and instead opted for two packages of cookies from the bakery section. We paid and got the hell out of there before I felt the urge to buy a package of razors and end it right there in line.

The Tiny Terrorists whined the ENTIRE way home and right up until they went to bed. If I have a hangover tomorrow I know it'll be from all the whine I've had today.

I never want to have to shop for anything ever again during the holiday season. Next year I swear I will stock my kitchen in November so that I don't have to shop until the second week of January. If I haven't bought gifts for people prior to the holiday shopping season, I will just send them a note telling them that I love them but I can not shop for them right at that moment as the thought of being in any store during this time of year makes me want to slit my wrists with my debit card.

Happy holidays and all that other crap.

Bah! Humbug!

This morning right after K left for work, the Tiny Terrorists convened in their room to commence naughtiness. After a few moments, I got smart that something was up and headed up to ther lair to investigate. What I found made my head nearly explode in a shower of lava, brimstone and sparks. I saw my progeny crouched on the floor trying to hide holiday gifts freshly unwrapped. Agggfhhhhhhfuckkkkkkdaaammmnnittohellllllshhhhhittfffuck! I composed myself and controlled my impulse to tell them that opening their presents early had caused Santa Claus to have a heart attack and die, that Christmas was ruined and everyone would hate them so they might as well decide to be Jewish now. Just kidding, my urge was more along the lines of just spanking them both THEN telling them that they'd get no presents until they turn 35. But I digress, I confiscated the pressies and hearded my offspring down stairs so Super Girl could finish getting ready for school. Cabbage Patch was banished to my bedroom to sit in my bed and watch Muppet Treasure Island. That is where she last was when I walked Super Girl to the bus.

And more badness occurs...

When I return, Cabbage Patch is still sitting in my bed and watching Muppet Treasure Island. She smiles at me then states that she moved all the presents into my room. I say 'you don't need to touch the presents' thinking she meant the ones she already opened that morning and glance at the little pink Christmas tree and notice with astonishment that it's present-less now. My eyes bug out of my head, steam pours out of my ears and my face becomes the visage of a skull as I think "I should have spanked them!" All of the presents save one are now unwrapped and stacked in my room. My brain can not comprehend what has just happened except that I'm mightly tempted to inform my 4 year old that the holidays are offically over. But I didn't. I just informed her that I was PISSED and she was in TROUBLE and was GROUNDED from the computer for 2 weeks.

I decided to consult K before I informed my children that their actions made Santa hate them and 15 kittens were killed because of it and the baby Jesus himself cried because even he knew not to open that box of frankensence before the Virgin Mary set it in front of him on Christmas morning after he had gotten the chocolate out of his stocking. I figured since Christmas was in K's department of religious instruction for the offspring, I'd consult with him first. His decision is that they get the pressents on Christmas and I'm not to set them on fire or take down the decorations or tell them that Santa has put a hit out on them. I did tell him that they would both be grounded from the computer for the duration of Super Girl's winter break (which he though was harsh). He said that there would be no Santa gifts this year though, and I'm starting to work on the letter from Santa to the kids - I'll post it later and you can let me know if I'll be causing them permanent psychological damage and many many years of counseling in their future.

Must go, off to fold laundry and ponder the best way to ruin my progeny's childhood yet not look like the bad guy.

Party Crashing and Thrashing

Saturday night was Whysper’s company holiday party. The invitation said it was to be a swanky affair at the DMA with fabulous gourmet food and casino gambling (with fake money). Our friend The Chef works at the DMA as… well... a chef and he was going to be working that night. Since Whysper had an opening for a GUEST to join her for the party, it was then that Jill and I had to fight it out to decide which of us got the privilege of being the GUEST. Gourmet food? Fake gambling? Free booze? Hell I was all over that. I had Jill pinned in a half nelson in less than 2 minutes and begging for mercy… well not really… I won by default because she had her kid that weekend. Custodial weekends rock!

Friday night when Whysper came to get us to go see lights she dropped off a very pretty dress for me to wear to the party – she knows better than to trust me to dress myself, I’d have show up in something short, low cut and finished off with fishnets and boots (hey, I look good in my club wear!). The dress fit perfectly and all I had to do was find some appropriate shoes.

Saturday at my big hospital I had 22 babies on my list to get taken care of. Fuck. Despite the fact that I didn’t arrive at that hospital until nearly 11 am I still expected to be out of there by 3 pm. HAR, HAR, HAR! I worked without a break until 5:15 when I walked out of the hospital. That meant that I’d have maybe 30-40 minutes to get ready. Fine, I can do that, it only takes 10 minutes to put on make up, 10 minutes to make my hair look FABULOUS and that leaves another 10-20 to search for the PERFECT SHOES.

After making my hair fabulous and applying copious amounts of sparkly eye makeup, I started to dig through the mountain of shoes I have. I found three possibilities to choose from. One a most fabulous antique pair black pair with pointy toe, super slim heel and velvet bow, another a beautiful black velvet pair of heels with cut outs that I wore one time and finally a cute black satin pair of pumps with ankle strap and rhinestone clasp. I put on my favorites – the antique ones to see if they would cause me great pain and about the time that I was doing my test walk through my living room, Whysper arrived! So no time to check the others, off we went.

We arrived, got our fake money, checked out coats and headed for the food line. Damn it was good! I’m not going to go into what it was, because that would just make you jealous. We ate, we drank, we talked, we had fun. I kept pointing out hot men to Whysper telling her I was mentally placing a sticky note on each so that she could find out about them for me. Whysper showed great composure and patience by not smacking me upside the head every time I did that (and I’m glad she didn’t as I’d probably have a nasty concussion since I was virtually marking every hot man sans a wedding ring that walked by, and I’m happy to say that Whysper has in fact has done some checking on the HOT Cowboy that I was drooling over).

The most interesting thing to happen at the party was for me to run into someone I went to high school with. I managed to catch up to him after walking past him twice and realizing that it was in fact Jason S. We had a short and very animated conversation (seems I talk with my hands) in which my high school nemesis was mentioned, where in he said that he had slept with her, but I knew that because she told me, and the mentioned that he was her first, but again I knew that because she told me, we exchanged kid facts (his one to my two), job facts, marriage facts (his normal, mine gay) and all the normal type crap that one exchanges with someone you haven’t seen in like 16 years. Then we left, out fake money had run out and the bar was closed!

Off to the thrasher bar! Whysper’s friends were playing in a bar down in Deep Ellum. It was exactly what one would expect for Deep Ellum, dirty looking, dark and seedy and we were WAY over dressed to be there. The band was cool, the music was great and we had much fun. We must do it again… except not in sparkly dresses and heels.

Super Girl is such a dork, I asked her why she didn't get a smiley face today at school and she said "I'm to excited about, you know (dramatic pause while giving me a serious look) Christmas".

"Jesus Acends To Heaven On A Stick"

That's what Super Girl just told K about the Jesus section of Santa Land. Jesus on a stick, but it kind of looked like Jesus had been lynched. The lights were very cool though, the Little People LOVED it.

Just part of my morning cup of coffee, make mine with a little cream and insanity as usual please.

So here I sit, I should be at work but I'd rather just sit here on my ass and do NOTHING. The morning here started with the sound of manical screaming (Cabbage Patch) and giggling (Super Girl) and then two children (one sans her jammies) running down the stairs.

Damn this headache. Off to work.