Puppet Theater Seder!

Last week the Little People and I celebrated Passover. Unlike most years when I had K’s help in preparing, this year it was just me, the Tiny Terrorists and a sock puppet. Yes a sock puppet, I needed all the help I could in keeping the attention of my offspring.

Since this was my year of doing it alone, this would be the year of the SHORT Seder instead of the one that lasts until midnight or 1 am. Luckily everything went well. The progeny sat through everything (even though Super Girl asked ever 5 minutes if it was “time to find the matzah?” or if it was “time to open the door for Elijah?”), only one glass of wine was spilled on the table, no one called my matzah balls ‘poop’ and the offspring actually ATE the meal (roasted breast of lamb and potatoes, salad, mixed veggies and matzah ball soup, with a delightful desert of chocolate topped coconut macaroons – all made by ME).

Thankfully I had a sock puppet to help out. Just about the time that the offspring were getting bored and restless and I was on the verge of snapping at them that NO, it WAS NOT time to find the fucking matzah or open the DAMN DOOR! I turned to my friend the Pets.com spokes puppet and let him take over. I’m fairly certain that his rendition of the Exodus story wouldn’t be exactly considered reverent but it DID keep my offspring riveted to the story and sitting in their seats. I don’t think I’ve ever seen two kids that excited over plagues! They were almost as excited about that as the fact that I forgot to get kosher grape juice for them so they got 4 tiny glasses of wine. I of course opted for 4 LARGE glasses of wine as I traditionally do and I’m guessing THAT is why the puppet was such and an amusing and important part of the Seder.

Anyway, I managed to get the offspring to bed shortly after 9 pm and the puppet and I passed out on the sofa after finishing off the rest of the bottle of wine.


Seder Guest


Ready for the seder


They were BIG glasses of wine.

Do NOT Fuck With Her! She Will FUCK You Up!

And she'll still be holding her Barbie.

My child is insane. I sometimes feel a twinge of guilt about her birth and wonder if that lack of oxygen is the cause of her madness. Her latest thing is to ball up her little fist, make that 'tough' face and say "You wanna piece of me?" It makes me laugh most times, you just can't take that statement seriously coming from her cerubic face.

And since yesterday she's been playing with clothes pins. It's bizarre. Today she stuck about 7 of them in her hair, which I just HAD to get a photo of. Then about 30 minutes later while K and I were having a conversation I had to stop mid sentence as I saw her with a clothes pin on both lips. A few moments ago she was doing her own version of Edward Scissor Hands with the clothes pins. Weird.

Time Out!

Damn, talk about being busy! I was so busy last week, I had this crazy notion that this week would be relaxing. HAHAHAHAHAHA! It doesn’t help that I’m completely off my schedule. K is working 3 pm until 2 am these days so that means he’s HOME for part of the day, meaning I have to totally rework my schedule. On top of that, I’m a day off. Yesterday K and I had this conversation:

Me: Oy! I have so much to do to get ready for Passover! (imagine me with the Jewish Mother accent)
Him: You have to do the Search for Chametz tonight also.
Me: No that’s tomorrow. Passover starts on Thursday night.
Him: No it starts tomorrow.
Me: *rolling my eyes at the ignorant gentile* No… it starts Thursday at sundown. On the 12th. I already checked.
Him: Judy, today is the 11th.
Me: Oh… hmm.. damn. I’m a day off.

So, yeah… whatever… It’s the story of my life. At this very moment I’m waiting for K to wake up so I can go to the store and get the last items for our fabulous Passover meal. While I wait I’ve been scanning through the Childrens Haggadah so I can adapt it with PUPPETS! This year will be the year of The Puppet Theater Passover! Hey, I’m doing this solo this year, I need all the advantages I can get and quite frankly the Tiny Terrorist give the puppet 100% of their attention where as I get about 30 seconds. 30 seconds is not enough time to get through 10 plagues AND the parting of the Red Sea.

Other things..

This past weekend was insane! But tremendous amounts of fun. It was the opening of Scarborough Faire. Due to K’s work schedule I had to bring the Tiny Terrorists with me to fair. Which meant I had to garb them! Woohoo! As usual with faire, I was up sewing until 4:30 am – both night. BUT – my offspring looked CUTE! So it was well worth the lack of sleep.

I’m not going to bore you with details of fair – Just look at the photos.

Wynde Darling just dressed!


RenJews!


Scary Cyn!


Scary Fairy!


NOT scary Fairies!


Are they ALWAYS Happy like that???


Filched Feathers! Damn I look good!


Multi tasking


Young Love... wait... too soon! Hands off little man!


Those Crazy Wenches! YMCA!


Look! It's Cher! Or... is it Sally Struthers?


Go look at Scarborough Faire photos to see the rest (click on both words to see both days)

You Kids! Get Off My Lawn!

Before...


I'm very angry right now. I don't even have time to be, I have so much to do, but I am. White hot angry. I took the Little People to have a delightful gourmet meal of McD's because the thought of cooking tonight was more nauseating than the thought of eating McD's food and I figured that if we walked to McD's and they played in the 'Migical Fun Fabulous Play Area' courtesy of Ronald McD', that they would be pretty damn tired out by the time we got home and go right to bed which would save my sanity and give me a few moments of peace.... but I digress... When we got home there was a group of 8 - 11 year olds milling around my building. They had been throwing bricks in the street and spitting on the sidewalk and when I got to my door I saw this:

After


They had knocked over one of my large planters (pictured above a few days ago with lovely green sprouts). They also had obviously stepped in two others and had messed with one other. I didn't even get to opening my door before I walked over to the 8 or 9 kids who had been cautiously watching me. I asked them who had been messing with my plants and somehow they had NO IDEA WHO had done that, even though it was obvious it had just happened (there was still wet outlines of where my planters HAD been on the cement). I told them I didn't believe them and that I thougth they had done it and that they had beter keep their fucking hands off my planters.

I know it's not the end of the fucking world, but it still pisses me off. The Little People and I have a tradition of planting things every year. Starting in January or February we start discussing what to plant and shopping for seeds. Finally we plan a special day to plant seeds. This year my offspring were especially excited about our 'garden'. Every single day they have peered into the planters searching for tiny green sprouts. Every day since the first green sprouts pushed through the dirt, they have inspected them and excitedly reported on the growth. And now... most of it is gone. *sigh*

Spring Garden!
Sprouts!


More Sprouts!


Butterfly



Damn I'm busy lately. I must have half a dozen post that I've startd and haven't finished. I keep getting interupted and when I get back to the computer i rarely have time to finish let alone the time to figure out what train of thought that unfinished post was on! Anyway, here are some photos of my 'garden'. it's off to a smashing start with everything The Tiny Terrorists and I planted actually GROWING this year. YAY!!

Other Exciting Things

K tought me how to drive a STICK SHIFT the other day. I have to say it wasn't nearly as hard as i had inticipated though it's a bit tricky to manage to stop and then start again without stalling the damn car. I must have done that about half a dozen times, and twice on the street with people behind me! Ah well life goes on, I can shift and all with no problems.

Well back to sewing and stuff, enjoy the fabulous photos of growing things and the photo of the beautiful butterfly hanging out next to the creek.

Some People Just Suck

What's up with rude people today? Was there a memo sent out that people are supposed to be RUDE today and I just didn't get it?

I'm so irritated with this one person I just had to walk away. The grandmother of a baby I was scheduled to take it's photo at noon looked me right in the eye and said "You need to be accomodating of us." after telling me that they weren't ready for the baby's photos - this is the third time to schedule with this family. I've scheduled a time to take these photos three times and they CAN NOT get their shit together, yet I'm the one who needs to be ACCOMODATING? They are wasting my time and I need to be ACCOMODATING? Whatever, she can just SUCK IT.

The other family is not nearly as rude yet still they have no respect for my time. I scheduled with her yesterday and didn't get many shots as she was tired from some vistors who just wouldn't leave. I suggest that I come back a bit later after she had her lunch and a nap. When I returned she was still napping and said we could take the photos today. This morning I step into her room to schedule the photos and she says she can't schedule a time as she has a lot of visitors coming and wants to know how she can contact me to let me know when she's available. Sorry, can't do that, I'm actually going to be WORKING and not sitting by a phone waiting for you to grant me the priveledge of being in your presence. I'll stop by before I leave and if she's not ready, she can SUCK IT too!

I Do Not Like Green Eggs And SPAM!

A can of SPAM. In my pantry. I know it sounds wrong considering me being a JEW. It’s one of the remnants abandoned to me by the temporary roommate in her hasty exit. It’s been sitting in my kitchen taunting me for months. Today I offered it to Cabbage Patch for lunch, I said “Do you want SPAM and eggs?” and she quickly said yes. Even though she had no idea WHAT SPAM is (really, who does though?), she said yes. Since she hasn’t claimed to be Jewish and her father is Christian I have no problem feeding this personally offensive meat product to my child (hey, at least she’s EATING something) – and she just informed me that she’s not Jewish or Christian she’s GREEK! Yeah… umm… okay.

As I opened the tin and plopped out the pink block of pork stuff I had images of cute little block shaped piggy creatures frolicking across a field with a big SPAM tin shaped barn in the back ground. This was a much more comforting thought of the origins of the pink block of pork than the actual meat processing plant idea with various questionable parts being ground up and squashed into bricks. Icky. SPAM piggies are cute. Questionable pig parts made into bricks is not cute.

Cabbage Patch never gave it a though she gobbled down all the slices of pig brick and asked for more. *sigh* At least it’s out of my house before Passover. (PS – I had mushrooms with MY eggs)

Other things

My child is so insane; we had this exchange this morning:

Me to naked child: You need to get dressed.
Her: Why? Is somebody coming over? (Because, ya know, that’s the only reason you should HAVE to get dressed is if someone is coming to visit.)
Me: No, you just need some clothes on. What if someone comes to the door?
Her: I’d just hide!

Later:

Me: Stop jumping on my bed!
Her: But MOM I’m doing my workout!

I Am The Jell-O Master!

In the past two days I’ve made 4 packages of Jell-O (2 red for 6 Jell-O Jiggler eggs, and 1 green and one orange for 6 more). My offspring think I’m the bomb for making Jell-O eggs. I’ve decided that I must now make many more Jell-O recipes to explore my insanity, be creative AND make a tasty snack! Insanity + Creativity + Snack = WINNER! (Or Elvis… not really sure… must recalculate some time)

All this talk of Jell-O reminded me of a time when K and I went to Kansas. I was served a delicious strawberry Jell-O desert right after taking some allergy medicine to ward off my reaction to being in Kansas. Later we went to listen to some old people play old people music at an outdoor concert where I fell asleep and had whacked out dreams of living Jell-O. I’m not sure it’s a coincidence or not, but I believe that’s the SAME trip K and I got engaged on. Hmmmm… Was it the Jell-O or was it just Kansas? (The state not the band).

Okay, enough, I must go console my offspring who is disappointed that her tongue hasn’t turned green from eating green Jell-o eggs.

Motherhood, It’s All About Teaching Valuable Lessons… Like Holding A Grudge.

I’m irritable (don’t even make any PMS jokes fuckers, I’ll find you and cut you) and I probably have NO reason what-so-ever to be irritable. But that doesn’t keep me from feeling this righteous indignation on behalf of my first born.

This morning before school, Super Girl pulls a BIRTHDAY INVITATION from her back pack and excitedly tells me it’s for (insert over used girl’s name)’s birthday. I instantly felt pissed. I also instantly knew that I really should get over it, BUT I can’t. If you recall my post about Super Girl’s Pirate Party, you will recall that NONE of her school friends came to the party and NONE of the parents even BOTHERED to RSVP with regrets (ASSHOLES). I’m still PISSED about that. I know I need to get over, I’ve already said that… yet, since it’s a slight not against myself, which I can just blow off, it’s a slight against MY FIRST BORN! And I being the very protective mother that I am, can’t let it go… I just CAN’T! (don’t worry, I’m not out for VENGENCE… other than maybe the sneaky wish that this party totally blows and that this kid blames her mother for the rest of her life for ruining her 7th birthday party. But that’s just normal, I’m not talking about anything drastic like keying her car or photoshoping photos of the mom in compromising positions with farm animals and e-mailing them to her work/family/etc. or making a voodoo doll of the mom… well maybe the voodoo doll but that would just be THERAPY for me, not a REVENGE thing.)

I’m actually shocked that I’m still pissed about the birthday thing, I’m not the type of person to hold a grudge. Except about this. In fact I won’t even talk to the mom’s of the two little girls that catch the same bus as Super Girl who were invited to her party. We don’t even catch the bus at the same place (that was Super Girl’s idea, not mine, but I’m fine with it since I’ve made a friend with a different mom who waits there with her son). I know, I’m childish and petty, I can live with that. But I digress…

I am now vacillating between actually letting my offspring go to this party for the offspring of at lease one very rude parent or of sending my regrets (with a flaming bag of dog shit on her porch).

Other crap… I really don’t have time to WRITE more right now, as I have a FILTHY house to clean, a MOUNTAIN of laundry to scale, HUNDREDS of sewing projects to finish and a CRAZY circus midget to duct tape to the stairs… er… I mean occupy with educational activities… yeah… educational activities.

BUT! I shall write more, there is much more to write about…

COMING SOON!

Spring Break Is OVER! The perilous tale of spring break and my near collapse into madness at the hands of my offspring (not really).
• Donuts with D
• Thrift Store fun
• Teddy Bear Park
• Jolly Rogers Movie Day
• Planting the ‘Garden’
• Lunch With Sable and The Wife
• “I spent $15 for what???”
• Hey! That’s MY $1 that paid for that!
• Oh yeah! I do have one of those don’t I!

Super Girl’s FABULOUS B-Day pressies just arrived!

Hanta and Bea have a new home.

Why I’m contemplating K’s brutal and painful murder and my need for a babysitter for Friday night and Sunday.

Why K is actually safe from DEATH (but no the pain… you’d be surprised what you can live through).

See! I told you I had a lot to write about! I’d do that now, but ya know, this house isn’t going to clean it’s self and so far my attempts to teach the cats to clean have all stalled at vacuuming – damn cat’s run every time they turn it on. Sheesh.

Why I Stopped At Two…

Yesterday Cabbage Patch was wrapping the strap off some luggage around herself (don’t ask why, she’s 4, there is no logical answer) and walked up to me to ask “Mamma, how do I look?” to which I answered “Weird.” Without missing a beat her older and more jaded sister replied “You look like a dork.” All I could do was laugh. Well she did look like a dork (which she was overly proud of) and I COMPLETELY remember my older sister saying shit like that to me.

Sorry To Be So Late, I Think I Spring Broke My Brain

Dear gawd, Spring Break has affected my thinking. I’m getting more sleep due to not having to get up quite so early (hey, one freaking HOUR really fucking helps… well that and I went to bed early a couple of nights, go figure) – not that it matters since most of my waking hours is spent trying to entertain or occupy a 7 year old and a 4 year old and fighting that urge just to lock them in a dog kennel for several hours at a time. Opps… did I say that out loud? Damn mental filter isn’t working so well again (ever). So yeah, I can’t think straight… seems that being well rested only makes me that much more ADD than usual and since I’m generally a little distracted… well… what was I talking about?

OH! NEW AND SHINY!

I finally got my NEW cell phone and after 6 phone calls and a visit to both the Nextel (SUCKS!) and the Sprint (they don’t suck) stores, things ARE up and running. So if you left me a message on my cell phone over the weekend, sorry, I didn’t get it... I mean I DID get it, but I couldn’t GET TO IT so I never heard it. At any rate, I totally love this new phone. It’s a camera phone. Woohoo! When you see me, you must ask to see my screen saver on my phone, I took that photo – it’s too funny. Don’t ask me to SEND you the photo… I don’t think I can, I think that’d cost me more money… I’m not even sure I can upload the photo on my computer. See I kind of lost the instruction manual already. I read one page and I’ve lost it. No, really I did. I’m sure it’s here somewhere, I’ll find it eventually. Anyway, it makes me laugh.

Scoring A 0.02 – Somewhere Between Useless and Dying

Monday was the MOST FUN EVER in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD. (sarcasm) Being the first Monday of SPRING BREAK, I had all these grand plans of things to do with the offspring that would keep them entertained and keep me sane. Yeah, whatever. I have no idea why I ever really PLAN things out. I LOVE plans but I really do love SPONTANEOUS too. And when it comes right down to it, in a choice between being the grown up with set plans, I’m more likely to be the ADD 5 year old who just ate 3 frosted cupcakes spontaneous. Not always, but a lot of the time. New fun can be more fun than old fun, but not always but I’m always curious to find out. Wait… what was I talking about... Oh yeah… Monday…

So MONDAY the plan was to do gardening. That’s what I had thought out and planned. To plant our garden. I bought new seeds and new tiny shovels for the progeny. Monday morning I realized the error of my planning. That planting out ‘garden’ (about 5 planters) would take a total of 30 minutes if we took out time. Ahhh… hmmm… must improvise. And by improvise I mean put DVD’s on and hope they would sit there and be occupied until early afternoon when we’d go plant. I had actually planned a trip to the park with a picnic but for some fucked up reason it was COLD and WINDY Monday so umm… no. So after the first DVD got boring we spent the rest of the morning doing laundry and let me tell you, KIDS LOVE DOING LAUNDRY! Well not really, so the morning involved a lot of yelling and whining and cursing. Finally after short naps, we PLANT the GARDEN between gusts of wind. Now here’s the FUN part of the day! After planting the headache I’d had most of the day decided to become a MIGRAINE! Woohoo! I spend the rest of the evening shushing the progeny who are by now WOUND up and RUNNING WILD. I message K desperately begging him to make time go faster and get home NOW. He promised to take the offspring with him to his political thingy that night so I could feign death on the couch until I didn’t have the urge to vomit every time I moved. Eventually he got home and drug Chaos and Destruction off with him. The world improved. The end of Monday.

I’ll add more to this later… I need to go rinse my hair because I stopped mid paragraph and had to put color on my hair.

Part Two Of Day One In Hell

Okay, whatever, it wasn’t quite that bad. Especially after two bottles of Boone’s Farm. Then I just let the Tiny Terrorist play on the computer while I slept it off the rest of the day. It all worked out.

Oh put the damn phone down, stop dialing Child Protective Services. I didn’t really do that. I don’t have a damn drop of booze around here! Yeah I know, it’s a huge surprise to you. Most people think I’m hitting the bottle every day and after they meet my kids they are convinced I’m drinking most of the day… or is it that they are convinced I drank a lot while pregnant?... hmm… whatever, it’s all wrong But I digress… I was talking about the Tiny Terrorists… and our day.

Child Dangers

Today after my 6 hour nap (kidding!), I was playing with the Tiny Terrorists. They had all these fake gold coins left over from Super Girl’s party and had them on their table. I decided that I’d take them all (pirate *shrug*). They start squealing with glee and trying to stop me. But I have the bigger hands, so suck it kids! Cabbage Patch has this plastic box that she’s trying to put some coins in and I start grabbing the coins out of there also. Next thing you know it slips out of her hands and whacks me right in the middle of the forehead. Which they think is funny (it’s not, so stop laughing) and I think is painful. I tell them to stop hurting mommy and we keep playing. Fast forward a few hours, K is home and the Tiny Terrorists are in bed. I go in to the bathroom and as I pass the mirror I notice a reddish purple line down my forehead. Yeah, from the box. Thanks kids! That’s going to look really fabulous tomorrow. *eyes rolling up in head*

Day One Of Spring Break
AKA – Hell At The Hands Of The Tiny Terrorists

7:30 am – Awakened by small children gleefully screaming for my consciousness. Note to self, must explain to them that 7:30 am is not considered SLEEPING IN, it’s just considered waking up late.

7:35 am – Question offspring as to why she’s naked, look at her questioningly when she babbles something at me, then tell her to just get dressed as I walk to the kitchen to make breakfast.

7:40 am – Walk upstairs to ask K why he’s still at home since it’s almost 8 am!! Tell offspring to put on clothes again, tell other progeny to put the cat down.

7:41 am – Walk down the stairs while muttering ancient voodoo curses aimed toward K because he doesn’t have to be at work until 10:30am and he’s still SLEEPING. Consider sending offspring up to play with Daddy. Tell naked offspring to GET DRESSED NOW. Smack other progeny on the back of the head and free cat from her clutches amid her LOUD protests.

7:42 am – Remember breakfast when the smell of burning pancakes enters my nose. Swear loudly and run to kitchen. Announce that the black pancake is for DADDY with a giggle then wash out pan and start over.

7:43 am – Tell offspring they CAN play games on the lap top just so I don’t have to hear them scream at each other anymore or torture the poor cat. Decide that a towel wrapped around the naked offspring is close enough to clothes and go back to kitchen to finish making pancakes.

7:45 am – Tell offspring to start setting the table as I put rock hard margarine in the microwave for 10 seconds to soften it. Pour more batter in pan.

7:46 am – Remember now liquidified margarine in nuker, snap open door and proceed to spill half of the margarine in microwave, down my arm and on cooking pancake. Repeat the swearing loudly.

7:47 am – Tell offspring to set the table AGAIN. Flip more pancakes, wonder why they are sticking, curse self for not just making WAFFLES… or cereal… cereal would be made by now. Done. No standing in the kitchen. Ponder my sanity and lack of sleep due to preschooler in my bed at 3 am.

8:00 am – Threaten progeny into setting the damn table. Return to kitchen to get plates of pancakes and glasses of milk.

8:05 am – Remember bacon damn it! Start turkey bacon in microwave while eating pancake standing in kitchen.

8:08 am – Tell progeny to NOT TOUCH THE CAT with syrup on their hands.

8:10 am – Retrieve bacon from microwave – nothing like the smell of turkey bacon. Go to pass out the bacon and be shocked that pancakes are completely consumed. Whatever, return to kitchen for coffee.

8:15 am – Tell offspring to stop fighting and to NOT TOUCH MY COMPUTER with their syrupy cat fur covered hands. Tell them to pick up dishes in tone that makes them ACTUALLY do it. Return to kitchen for coffee. Think of how much I hate the school system for SPRING BREAK.

8:20 am – Remove cat from progenies’ hands. Absorb evil eye being directed at me from syrup sticky cat and tell offspring to take a bath. Return to kitchen for coffee… maybe it’ll get made this time.

8:21 am – Pick up explosion of clothes (and towel) in living room from excited for a bath progeny. Ponder why they aren’t still sleeping. Listen as they start the bath water. Take a moment to Hate K for still sleeping.

8:25 am – Pray the floor is dry in the bathroom as I go check on bath progress. See both offspring and the entire Barbie population in tub. Tell progeny to stop washing Babies’ hair with my body wash. Roll up eyes, walk out of bathroom to read news and drink coffee. Oh yes coffee! Must make coffee! Consider making voodoo dolls of school officials as retribution for SPRING BREAK.

8:26 am – Hear splashing from bathroom that fill my soul with dread. Walk back to bathroom and discover offspring and Barbies reenacting the sinking of Atlantis. Feel headache starting. Throw down towels to sop up mess, repeat threats to offspring. Head to laundry room for more towels.

8:30 am – Sit down to read news and curse school system for stupid fucking spring break.

8:40 am – After 5th trip to the bathroom to tell progeny to quiet down, remove them bodily from bath and instruct them to find clothes.

8:41 – 8:50 am – Repeat instructions to GET DRESSED. Repeat hating K for sleeping in. Repeat curses to school system. Damn Spring Break!

8:51 am – Remove naked offspring from banister and DRESS them. Consider Valium cookies for them. Consider heavy drinking for me.

Cupcake Kisses


Nothing like half a tube of sparkly cupcake scented lip gloss smeared liberally on and around the lips of a 4 year old to totally put one off that particular tube of lip care product. And by put off I mean to make ones skin crawl at the very thought of (and attempt by) the above mentioned pre-schooler planting a big wet, sticky smootch on any exposed area of skin, making one smile fakely while wipeing said concoction from one’s body and deflecting pre-schooler by suggesting that the cat NEEDS a sparkly kiss. Yes, I am going to Hell. At least I won’t be suffering from a sparky lipgloss induced hallucination today.

Randomness

I’m not dead, I’m just not getting online and when I am online I’m not visible and I’m not writing any pithy or witty or interesting because I’m not in that mood. I’m just here kind of crouched in the corner of the internet, watching but not being seen. Why? Fuck if I know. Maybe I need Prozac. Take up a collection, send me fun drugs. Or Coffee. And hot men.

Spring Break

Who’s this break for anyway? How I hate school holidays. Where exactly are my tax dollars going if my kid has a week out of every month off?? Well not quite, but it SEEMS like that. Year round school, that’s what I’m pulling for.Anyway, tomorrow starts my misery… er.. Spring Break! Tomorrow I’m looking forward to sleeping in, yet I can almost guarantee that one or both of the Tiny Terrorists will be up at or before 6:30 am making my life hell. Yea team. Last night they were in rare form. I suppose in preparation for the upcoming madness. Perhaps just because they were possessed by demonic spirits. Could be that they were being controlled by alien beings out to make my life hell. More likely they were just being BAD because their father wasn’t home. Yes. Lucky me. K had a test of some sort of useless mathematical shit to take and I had to use the whips and chains to subdue Chaos and Destruction as I threatened to remove their very existance from public record and memory just like the KGB. My threats and pleas were barely noticed as they continued their mission of terror. They were finally in bed a mere 10 minutes prior to K arriving home (an hour after he had told me to anticipate his arrival) after the 10 minutes of whineing and crying because of my steadfast refusal to walk up the stairs to tuck them in. I know, I’m such an ogre. Fuck off, my ankle is better but it still hurts to walk up and down stairs.

Coffe, Tea or Insanity?

Last night I didn’t make it out of the house early enough to make it to karaoke so Porn Star, Kermit and I went to Wally World then off to IHOP for coffee and insanity. We had three waiters last night. Shawn, Farm Boy and Smart Ass. It was fabulous. Shawn was training Farm Boy and Smart Ass was just being entertaining. We finally left as it was nearly 2 am (or was it after?) and Porn Star and I had consumed 3 pots of coffee between us. She swore she could feel her own heart beat and I knew I was about to vibrate into a parallel universe if I had even ONE more cup of coffee. All in all, a fabulous night.

Tasty Things and Not So Tasty Things

I had a Healthy Choice French Bread Pizza for lunch. Yuck. I didn’t enjoy it. But I bought it and since I spent the money it on it and it wasn’t just absolute ass, I had to eat it. Well that and the fact that we are out of bread, out of jelly, out of milk and I was just out of luck as far as lunch goes. It wasn’t very good Not very tasty.

But I did find something that is rather tasty. I found a tube of one of the Little People’s Lip Smacker lip gloss. It smells like cake frosting and makes me want to eat the whole tube, yet I know that it wouldn’t taste like fabulous cake frosting, probably just mildly sweet wax. Now I can’t stop thinking of cupcakes. I fear I may eat my lips by the end of the day.

Okay, I’m done. Shoo now. The burst of insanity is done. Move along, nothing to see here. Come back later and see if I’ve said anything impressive or witty or pithy… or if I’ve given in to my urge to eat the lip gloss and am hallucinating from the pretty sparkles in it.

Just Try To Make Sense Of This

Sometimes the best parts of the conversation are right in the middle and make no sense out of context:

"...30 minutes later they are all in the same place and you end up with weird ass marks and rub burns."

I'll just leave you to wonder what that was all about.

Monday Quiz Space Filler!

Your Stripper Song Is

The Bad Touch by the Bloodhound Gang "Sweat, baby, sweat, baby sex is a Texas drought Me and you do the kind of stuff that only Prince would sing about" When it comes to dancing, you let your freak flag fly!

What Song Should You Strip To?

How true, how true.

Fat Ankle


This kind of shit only happens to me… Today as I was walking out of work, I sprained my ankle. Just walking, that’s all. RIGHT outside work. I swear I couldn’t have gone more than 30 steps out the door when it happened. LUCKILY K was there with me (with Tiny Terrorist in tow – in disguise as two mentally challenged circus monkeys dressed as clowns, he let them dress themselves) to drive me home . I thought I was going to chum right there as I stood there waiting for him to get the car though. It hurts, I’ll be fine, it just hurts.

The last time I sprained my ankle outside work it was much worse – yes I’ve done this before. My children are doomed! Doomed I tell you! Their father is a klutz also. Poor Super Girl has inherited out fucked up genetic predisposition to being a klutz too. She can trip over nothing (just like me). I silently apologize for that every time I see that kid trip.

Anyway, I’m medicated and heading off to elevate my ankle while taking a nap.

You must be the change you wish to see in the world. – Fortune Cookie.

I really want to see a change in the pollution in the air that is eating the ozone, so I guess I had better stop farting.

I just had some fabulous Chinese food. My face is melting and my eyeballs are on fire, so it’s a good thing that my nose is running so very much, it may keep my hair from igniting.

I loves me some HOT and SPICY Chinese food. In fact that’s about the ONLY kind of Chinese food that I do like. I like it to the extreme. So very hot that it could cause brain damage, that the very smell of it causes nose hairs to become crinkly and singed, so hot that my freezer defrosts from the left overs. It’s a sickness really, if I order it hot and there is a little jar of super hot oil on the table, I WILL put it on my food prior to even tasting it. It’s crazy… because I know that not long into my sleep cycle I will be awakened with the nastiest and most painful case of reflux despite the extra acid blockers taken prior to ingesting the nuclear waste. AND even though I will have had this awful reflux, I will probably have this for breakfast tomorrow. Ahhh life is good!

The Fun Just NEVER ENDS!

Mid day see seems fine. She naps her normal amount of time and seems okay. Then about 4 pm after she complains about her tummy hurting again, this time it seems quite sincere and not her normal Drama Queen act, instead of wanting to be held or getting special attention, she just wants to be left alone. 4:30 pm I start considering looking for coverage for work tomorrow instead of a baby sitter. K and I banter back and forth about what to do. 4:45 pm she stands up and chums right on the floor. Nothing like scrubbing vomit off the floor.

Well that settles the question of whether to take them to an actual DAY CARE for the weekend. Not only would it cost too much $80-90 for Saturday alone, but with a kid who might still be checkin’ the tires, it just wouldn’t work. Ahh, but ALL is not lost. My Bitch Petey has just earned himself some free garb. He will not only come GET the Tiny Terrorists but he will watch them tomorrow while K and I both work.

*update* Shit! It's like the fucking Exorcist! She just did it AGAIN!!! Where the hell did that come from!

*note:I totally stole the intersting phrasing for vomiting from my new favorite blog Living In A Dream. Go check her out, she's so fucking cool I wish she lived in town so we could get drunk together.

Friday Fun

Fun things of this morning:
3:30 am wake up by Cabbage Patch telling me her tummy hurt.
4 am wake up by my stomach because I was hungry
4:01 am realize that Cabbage Patch’s hurting tummy is probably just her being hungry, share a packet of Pop Tarts with her
4:18 am back to bed
6:15 am wake up to alarm stupidly set early by me, try to snooze until 6:30 am
6:20 am wake up to Super Girl super girl opening the door – everybody up!
6:20-7:30 am argue with offspring about leaving the exercise ball alone, eating their breakfast (a freaking Pop Tart! What kid has to be TOLD to eat a Pop Tart??), finding their own damn clothes to wear and getting dressed.
7:31 am discover a child induced baby powder snow storm has occurred in my bathroom and question the usual suspects.
7: 40 am shove kids out the door to take Super Girl to the bus stop (thank heavens at least ONE is in school all day!)
7:47 am wave by to Super Girl and drag Cabbage Patch back home
8:15 am listen to Cabbage Patch tell me about her hurting tummy again and realize that her eating so much macaroni and cheese and no veggies in the past couple of days means she probably needs to take a poop!
8:25 am can we say suppository?? Question why, oh why did this have to happen on MY WATCH? Why can’t it be her daddy having to deal with a constipated pre-schooler?
9 am putting in Sleeping Beauty for Cabbage Patch to watch while she lounges on the couch being a prima donna.

Okay, whatever, I’m tired just writing that. Thank goodness for nap time. Today is absolutely beautiful. I can’t wait to drag the offspring around the park a few times today.

This FABULOUS new job that K has is now posing new challenges – he’ll be working Saturdays until the end of tax season so now I have the fabulous task of trying to find someone to watch my progeny while we both work on Saturday. Ahhh what fun! Any volunteers? How would YOU like to have a fun filled day with MY offspring? *sound of crickets chirping* Yeah, that’s what I thought. My boss is going to have a cerebral hemorrhage if I can’t work tomorrow. *sigh*

Okay, enough whining – I’ll write something more coherent later, must work out now.

I'll leave you with a little something to make you smirk all day - Check out what Steven Segal is doing these days. Some peole just aren't ageing well. Gotta love this too!

Coping out with a quiz!

Aren't you lucky!

You scored as Jason Voorhees. You are Jason Voorhees. You werent liked much as a child. All you wanted was to let your Mom raise you right. However after you died a watery death in Camp Crystal Lake, your Mom tried to take revenge, in which she too died a horrible decapitation. Now you will go on forever, seeking revenge! You may have the highest kill count in horror, but you arent all bad. You just love your mother! Jason Voorhees 70% Pinhead 65% Freddy Krueger 65% Hannibal Lecter 60% Michael Myers 55% Jigsaw 55% Leatherface 40% Buffalo Bill 40% Captain Spaulding 30% Candyman 30% Which Horror Killer are You? created with QuizFarm.com

Funny thing is I love Horror movies and I found myself hoping that I'd be either Jason, Freddy or Michael. Yeah I know I have issues.

Fish Facts

Super Girl informed me today that she learned about fish today. A certain kind of fish. A SMACKER fish. To which I replied with giggles and playfully smacking her on the head and asking if it was a smacker like that. (Yeah I know you are shocked that someone with such low maturity is allowed to raise children.) The more she described the fish the more I was certain that she was mistaken by the name, yet when I asked her if the fish might be a sucker fish (as in an algae eater) she was adamant that it WAS a SMACKER fish. She went on to tell me about how she learned about snapping turtles and I asked her if may she meant a SNAPPER not a SMACKER – again, her insistence that it’s a SMACKER FISH. More giggling on my part.

If any of you can find me a photo (real one fuckers) of a SMACKER fish, I’m sure the offspring would burst with joy at being able to prove me wrong.

Happy Fat Tuesday

I’m making gumbo and a King Cake for tonight. Although I don’t have a baby to put in the King Cake, so I may have to stuff a severed Barbie head in the cake to make do. I know, I know, the hair will make the cake taste funny so I’m fully prepared to use a Ken Doll head instead. Or maybe I’ll use a My Little Pony head and we can do it all Godfather like. Could be interesting if one of the Little People get it. Anyway, there should be massive amounts of leftovers of gumbo, if you want some… let me know. ;)

Sowing My Seeds

I went to buy seeds last night and there were none. This store carries a huge section of gardening things, but they don’t carry seeds! Last year they had a massive section of just SEEDS, but not this year. So no seeds. I realize it would be much more logical for me just to buy dirt and fill planters and leave it at that instead of my usual activities that involve me planting and nurturing only to be deeply disappointed at the lack of growing ability I possess. But NO, I will not be deterred from my pointless endeavor. It’s a tradition!

Club Choice

Saturday I was presented with a difficult choice – I was supposed to go game but mid day I was invited to go have girls night with my friends. Oh what a choice, to get my geek on or to get my freak on. I chose the club as we hadn’t been out since October! Luckily for me I still remembered how to dress like a slut and drink until drunk. The club was packed as there was some Mardi Gras celebration going on that night. The funniest thing was La SEG’s evil twin finding us then her talking like they were best friends from way back! It was funny and creepy – this chick just needed to dye her hair black and she would have completed the ‘twin’ look.

Anyway, I didn’t feel to bad about ditching a game because I had yet another game to be at on Sunday. I had to have balance ya know. My clubbing yin to my gaming yang. It’s all good.

Movies To Nap By

Hi! It’s Monday! Monday is my fuck off day. No post today because I spent the whole day laying on the couch sleeping through movies as my offspring surfed the net (Thank GAWD for Net Nanny!).

I’ve been doing a lot of sleeping lately and plan to do more in just a moment, I just felt like letting you all know that I’m not dead, I’m just in sloth mode and am being very, very lazy. It’s even an effort to type this to you, but because I love each and every one of you so very, very much I felt that I should make this tiny effort before going back to sleep.

I did make blueberry pancakes for lunch today though. My accomplishment of the day!

Note: This is all a complete and total lie… except for the part about loving each and every one of you… and the blueberry pancakes. Will post more tomorrow when time permits… Busy weekend, must to write. Must sleep now. Damn that PMS and my lack of chocolate! Send chocolate if you love me!

Heard Wrong Just Now

Just talking to my Bitch Petey on the phone, he THOUGHT I said “Todays K’s lesbian rain day.” What I SAID was “Todays K’s last day of training.” Then we both laughed and he said something about not really knowing and that it just made him wonder what K was doing with the Stonewall Democrats these days to which I responded “Well it is raining today, ya never know.”

Why Should I Be Surprised? She Is My Kid After All

As I did the dishes I could hear Cabbage Patch busily moving her small kid sized furniture around and each of my inquirers as to WHAT she was doing were answered with “Playing!”

After dishes were safely in the dishwasher (and not in a blazing pile on the front porch with me standing to the side roasting marshmallows as my gut instinct suggested I do) I walked into the living room to see Cabbage Patch in a ballet leotard jumping from her table to a chair with stuffed animals placed on the floor around her like her audience. I cringed and told her to STOP IT NOW.

I truly don’t understand why her father dislikes me referring to her as a crazy circus midget.

No Really, He’s Not A Jewish Mother

No one can guilt me quite like my father. I absolutely love but I completely dread his phone calls. And sadly I actively avoid them. (Actually I actively avoid phone calls from MOST of my family, but Dad is at the top of this esteemed list.) And that makes the guilt that much worse. By the time I DO take his phone call or break down and call him, it’s been a year and I realize that I’ve not called him for Father’s day… and his birthday… and the holidays… and that I really, really suck. Though I do have good reasons to NOT call, mostly it’s the GUILT (even when I was a frequent caller, the guilt was laid on pretty thick) and the fact that he can hardly hear me! I know that I speak softly but this man is nearly DEAF! So why call??? (Oh stop glaring at me, when was the last time you talked to your dad?)

This is part of how our last conversation went:

*ring!* *ring!* *ring!*

Me: Hello
Him: Hi Judy…
Me: Hi Daddy!
Him: it’s daddy. I haven’t heard from you in a while...
Me: *cringing from the guilt*
Him: I just thought I’d call and see how everybody was, since you never call…
Me: *shrinking down in chair from guilt* we are find daddy.
Him: What?
Me: *speaking louder* WE ARE FINE DADDY!
Him: Ahhh… okay, well I was just wondering, ‘cuz you never call…
Me: *rolling eyes* Yes, yes, I know. Terribly busy, ya know.
Him: WHAT?
Me: SORRY, BEEN BUSY!
Him: Yeah, yeah, I been busy. Your sister and her husband are getting their own house and moving out the end of this week.
Me: FINALLY! *they’ve lived off my dad for the past 10 years! It’s time they and their evil children moved the fuck out!*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *shouting into the phone* I SAID THAT’S GOOD!
Him: Oh yeah it’s good. About time they got out of my house. I’m disabled after all!...
Me: *snickering as he rambles on*
Him: *after 45 minutes of droning on about the family and his awful wife* So I just wanted to call because you never call.
Me: *ugh! Not the guilt!* Sorry! Sorry about that! I just don’t call because you can never hear me!
Him: WHAT?
Me: *shouting and cupping the phone to muffle any outside noise* I SAID, I DON’T CALL BECAUSE YOU CAN NEVER HEAR ME!
Him: Oh, I can hear you fine.
Me: *slamming phone into forehead* I LOVE YOU DADDY!
Him: I love you too baby. Bye-bye.

I love him, but damn it’s exhausting to talk to him. What with all the avoidance I do, the actually CONVERSATION is excruciating. I’d e-mail him but my daddy has a really bad habit of replying to all of my e-mails with “I love you, love daddy”.

Anyway, I should be guilt free from him for at least another 6 months.

Reports Of My Death Are Greatly Exaggerated!

Dearest Internet;

How could you leave me? Really HOW? I know I didn’t get you a fancy Valentine or a huge box of chocolates, but you KNOW I love you… I NEED you. You KNOW I need you! In the middle of the night who do I go to when I can’t sleep? First thing in the morning where do I go before even getting coffee? You internet! YOU! And yet you STILL left me.

I was angry at first then sad. Sad and lonely. After my cursing and stomping and checking all the usual places for you, I just lie on the sofa rejected and empty. I couldn’t even move. A whole day and a half. You left me for a whole day and a half! It got to be sort of funny when I’d talk to someone about something and where I’d say “I’ll check the internet” I’d just leave blank and unsaid… a hole in the conversation. A great chasm that just taunted me like your leaving taunted me.

You hurt me internet, you hurt me bad. Things piled up while I pined for you. Yes I TRIED to distract myself, but it was you who I was thinking about.

I called the number I had for you and guess what? I found out you were in a foreign country! I could not believe it! I spoke to a man who said his name was ‘Richard’ but I know that was just bull; he just wanted me to THINK you were still in the US. Punjab ‘Richard’ told me you couldn’t come to the phone and you wouldn’t come back for me. The indignity! I got passed off to someone else who said they could not fix our relationship because it wasn’t MY relationship – they said it was K’s! NO! NO! Not true! I know you are not here for K, you are here for ME! Damn them! Fine. I knew you were just saying that to make me angry. You just wanted your SPACE. Fine. You wanted to make me suffer. You did.

K and I talked when he got home and I explained my anguish and your stubborn refusal to return to me at all, to even talk to me on the phone. He assured me it was a mistake, just a misunderstanding and that he would straighten it out for me. I worried because you were in another country – I could even imagine you sitting on pillows, smoking a hookah and eating the spiciest of curries – I worried that it would take time to get you back. K was sure you’d be back the next day. But I fretted. I went to the store and got a bag of Double Chocolate Hershey’s Kisses for you. It was the least I could do.

True to his word K called and smoothed things over with you. And as soon as you were back here with me I curled up with you for the next two hours and caught up on what had been missed.

I love you internet. Don’t leave me again. I’ll have to hurt you if you do. Don’t leave. Ever.

Love,

Judy

*Ahem* What really happened… My internet went down one day and after waiting on hold and being transferred from person to person, I was finally connected to a man we’ll call ‘Richard’ because that’s what he SAID his name was though I had serious doubts that it really was ‘Richard’ as I heard a distinct Indian accent as he spoke and could almost smell the curry over the phone. ‘Richard’ told me that K would need to call and straighten out the account then transferred me to some twangy woman who brought forth images of huge bleached blond hair sprayed so stiff a tornado couldn’t move it and frosted blue eye shadow circa 1970 – and originally from 1970, and a trailer of which her lovely shrill voice would echo through out as she summoned one of her many offspring to bring her a ‘cold one’. This person was stupid and bitchy and argued with me which made me react with dignity and grace and to tell her to fuck off then call her a cunt. This ended the negotiations until K got home.

K called the next morning and handled things… He didn’t even call anyone a cunt to have it done. No I didn’t lie on the couch and pine for the internet, I did the crap I always do – clean house and fold laundry. But that doesn’t sound as dramatic or interesting – and I had nothing to distract me when the offspring were watching one of the Disney abominations they love to watch. I’m back now, I can read the news and I’m happy. Back to cleaning.

I took this color personality test that Shana posted, it's intersting... and oddly accurate in some places.

Try it for yourself, it only takes a minute. (then post your answers)

http://www.paulgoldinresearch.com/cg/index.htm

You are tending to pursue your objectives with concentrated intensity and it would seem that whatever obstacles may come into your path, you will stick to your guns and will not allow yourself to be deflected from your purpose. You are striving to achieve recognition and what is more - you deserve it. You dislike playing the field in every sense of the word. When you develop a relationship it needs to be a close fulfilling one, one that has deep meaning for all parties concerned. You know what you want and you are very dogmatic and demanding - especially in your emotional demands. You have specific ideas and beliefs and if these beliefs are not realised you can become extremely frustrated. You may not be that perfect but you are looking for perfection with the perfect partner. As of late, you have been experiencing untold stress and this is a result of continuous frustration. You haven't been taking care of all your physical needs and it's beginning to show. It would seem that you have a need to find someone to whom you can really relate - someone perhaps whose standards are as high as your own. You want to be different - to be individualistic - to stand out from the common herd. Your inherent control of your sensual instincts is restricting your ability to give yourself to open up freely but this being on your own, being lonely, often makes you feel the need to give up some of your strict standards to surrender to the general flow - to be like everyone else; a part of the herd. Deep down you regard such instincts as weaknesses to be overcome. You would like to be loved or admired for yourself alone. You demand recognition and tender loving care. The fear that you may not be able to fulfil or realise all of your ambitions makes you work and play hard. The thought of being prevented from achieving the things you want leads you to play your part with frantic fervour.

Insanity Abounds

Movies:
Her: You can’t watch that movie again.
Me: Yes I can.
Her: Dere’s a new movie, called “May I Touch That”.
Me: Are you sure that’s the name?
Her: Uh-huh, it’s about a boy and a skunk.
Me: Ahhh, are you sure that’s a movie?
Her: Dere’s another movie. It’s called “Are We Dere Yet?”
Me: Oh really? And what’s that about?
Her: It’s about a brown man.
Me: Oh?
Her: Yeah and a brown boy.
Me: I think you are just making that up.
Her: No! The mice are in it!

Nyquil

I’m sick again… FUCKING AGAIN. I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever get well. Maybe the government is conducting secret experiments on me. Eh. Who knows. At any rate, I took Nyquil Saturday night in an attempt to get a decent nights sleep. Well let me tell you THAT was a mistake. Apparently my love affair with Nyquil is OVER. I no longer get a nice near coma like sleep from Nyquil, oh no. I get a serious head trip. I have very bizarre dreams and wake several times a night with a head full of crazy images. I woke at 2:30 am and was startled by the fact that my cat was on the bed next to me… where she always sleeps. I remember having this strong urge to BLOG all the medication induced images and that the only reason I didn’t was because I wasn’t sure I could type so well. I am thankful to whatever power prevented me from blogging that as I’m certain that I would be committed at this very moment if I had. Also, such SPECIAL dreams are not something that need to be committed to memory any more than just the fuzzy vagueness that they are NOW.

Dreams

Last night I had this very vivid dream of walking around at night with this guy I am interested in, we were walking around his apartment complex and we were picking up coins off the ground. We walked up some stairs where we kissed, then went back to picking up coins. What the fuck? I’m thinking it’s the last of the Nyquil getting out of my system.

Pirate Party

Yesterday was Super Girl’s 7th birthday party. Mother Nature has a cruel sense of humor when it comes to that kid’s birthday parties. All of her parties, save one have had sudden BAD weather either cancel them or diminish the amount of guest who show up. One year a freak cold storm had everyone showing up in heavy coats and scarves for a Luau themed birthday party, another year the trip to the lake to feed the ducks was canceled for the same reason, the next brought SNOW the day of the party and we all know that if it snows in Dallas, every freaking thing closes, so no party. This year the temperatures dropped and the weather predicted ice – which didn’t really happen but the THREAT was enough to only bring out the most loyal of friends. No matter Super Girl had a BLAST! At one point Captain John had 4 little girls chasing him around with plastic swords. Everyone had a most fabulous time despite the fact that NONE of Super Girl’s classmates attended (the RUDEST part was that NONE of the parents called to say the wouldn’t be there! Jerks!). Kudos to Captain John and The Wife for all their work and for letting the party happen there.

Okay off to get dressed, just realized I sounded like a total hypocrite telling Cabbage Patch to get dressed when I’m not even dressed.

Because I'm Bored

And I steal things of La SEG's blog.

You Are 55% Addicted to Love

Might as well face it, you're addicted to love. You've been a fool for love many times - but are you the wiser for it? Your needs should come first, both in and out of relationships. Because you're the only one who can look out for yourself!

Are You Addicted to Love?

You Are a Frappacino

At your best, you are: fun loving, sweet, and modern At your worst, you are: childish and over indulgent You drink coffee when: you're craving something sweet Your caffeine addiction level: low

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

Of course I am a Frap - with Extra Whipped Cream

Your Heart Is Blue

Love is a doing word for you. You know it's love when you treat each other well. You are a giving lover, but you don't give too much. You expect something in return. Your flirting style: Friendly Your lucky first date: Lunch at an outdoor cafe Your dream lover: Is both generous and selfish What you bring to relationships: Loyalty

What Color Heart Do You Have?

You Are A Blueberry Martini

You are a eclectic drink - liking to change drinks and venues often. You are usually the first of your friends to find a cool new dive bar or cocktail. You should never: Drink mystery drinks strangers hand you. Unless you want to wind up in foreign country. Your ideal party: Is mobile, hopping from party to party. Your drinking soulmates: Those with an Orange Martini personality. Your drinking rivals: Those with a Chocolate Martini personality.

What Flavor Martini Are You?

Mmmmmmmm....

Interview Answer

Just spoke to my manager and found out that I did not get the position as the VP felt that some who lived in the Arlington area would be a better match... that and she has some crazy notion of having someone show up at one of the hospitals in Arlinton at 7 am! yikes! No matter, she indicated that there is the possibility of them creating this position in the Dallas area soon. Also, still have the option of working more days and there is the homeshoring job I interviewed for yesterday. It will all work out.

Multi-tasking At It's Best

The Cure


So today I was having a discussion with A Friend who happened to mention that she was so thrilled that her homeopathic remedy that she had recently started taking. I asked her what she was taking and what it was for and then she became decidedly VAGUE about both. I pressed the subject as I'm an dick some days.

With much reluctance she told me that she was taking this stuff for a bad case of 'roids. To which my totally mature and adult side took a vacation and the juvenile idiot within started to LAUGH. Loudly. Then I asked her WHAT she was taking. She indicated she was taking the above pictured pills.

Hylands #1, Calc. Fluor. 6X, which is for (wait for it...)

Colds, Hemorrhoids and Chapped Skin

I almost peed on myself laughing! Talking about a multi-symptom elixer! My friend didn't understand what I found so damn funny and I told her that at no time had I ever read on the back of Nyquil to slap some of that on my ass to take care of my 'roids or to rub any of it on my dry skin! Damn! How do you MARKET that??? AND WHO decided to put all that together to make a sale? Some guy with a bad cold, sore as and flaky skin? How did he make the connection? "Hey, I just started taking these pills and hmmmm... my cough is better, my ass doesn't hurt and my skin is now nice and supple! I need to sell that!"

Indications


Love the indications:
Relief of symptoms of cold with thick, greenish discharge. Relieves the symptoms of itching and BURNING PAINS due to hemorroids. Relieves the symptoms of chapped and cracked skin.

My friend thinks I'm a bitch now (she's right) but she DID take the above photos for me because deep down she knows this shit is funny.

Throw Me Some Luck, Why Don’t Ya?

At 3:45 pm today I’ll be interviewing for a management position with the company I work for. After working for this company for 4.5 years I never expected this and honestly have said before that I’d NEVER, EVER take a management position with them. What a fucking liar I am!

The position is 4 days a week taking photos at various hospitals – I would travel to whatever hospital needed coverage – and one day of recruiting/interviewing for this particular hospital system. The best part is that it’s a 40 hour a week job and I’d have the flexibility to have some weekends off. 40 hours a week, base hourly pay + commission + benefits… it’s a no brainer.

My chances of getting the job are EXCELENT, my manager practically BEGGED me to interview with the district manager. I’m panicking over some of the other things I have to worry about – child care & car situation mostly. What fun! But I’m excited and NERVOUS.

So… throw me some good vibes – I haven’t interviewed in 4.5 years!

Valentine's Left Overs

Since I've consumed all of the left over candy in my 'celebrating' last night (chill it was only 4 pieces), all I'm left with is some links for you.


Probably the BEST photo EVER!

The BEST Valentine EVER! (this one would be for my Valentine if it weren't BOB)
Or maybe THIS one. Just kidding! I turned off the hidden cameras in your home days ago!

Of course THIS one is probably more true than I care to believe.
Luckily (or just pathetically) THIS one is true.

Ahhh but a more true statement could not be said than THIS.
(check out all of the fabulous Anti Valentine Cards here.)

So now that we've gotten V-Day out of the way it's time to start planning for March 14th! Steak and BJ Day! I'm here to help anyone in the planning or implementation of this day - ladies if you need any HELP, Let me know, I would be glad to help out in this area. Guys, if you want to share this 'special' day with me, well send me a note (I have a careful screening process for this!). Mark your calenders everyone! No one wants to be caught with their pants down on March 14th!... or... well... okay, I guess they do... whatever.

Okay, that's all for now. I must go do something with the crazy circus midget I call my child and get a shower before calling to BEG my father in law to do a favor for me.

Warning!

DO NOT EAT the chocolates with the green filling or the pink filling! Ewww.. Who the hell thought that someone should put green lime flavored goo in chocolate? Or worse pink goo that smells vaguely like strawberries but tastes a lot like that nasty pink liquid medicine given to kids. It's vile.

End of public service announcement.

Candy Stalker Letter


A couple of years ago as my sister and I sat around contemplating the candy hearts (ew) and the idiotic messages on them, we realized that the messages were rather bizarre and stalkerish. More discussion followed and it was decided that we would use the message hearts to compose a stalker letter to the man I was interested in at the time (Let’s just call him Minute Man… and not because he did historical reenactments… but because it’s some how kinder than calling him Little Richard *ahem* Think about it, it will come to you… another word for little… another name for Richard). After much laughter and a fine tipped ink pen, we pieced together this work of art:

Dear One (fill in name here);
I will kill one of us (you), if you don’t return my love. I love you. Sure love. Be True. Romeo.
We are meant to be, you and me. I heart you. Call me. IM me. Hug me. At least Write me. What’s Up? I have a gun and a halogen high beam. If I can’t have you Romeo, no one else can. It’s true. Love you. Love Me. Let it be. Be good. Love me. I will look for you. To remember you love me. Marry me. You are all mine Romeo. Ask me (blurred from here). Love me. PS. I’m pregnant and (blurred). One love. It’s yours. If you don’t have a will, you better get one.

Love, Me

Luckily I never did send that letter and no one ate the hearts. Still it’s a fabulous craft to do with those nasty tasting too hard to eat message hearts.

NAP TIME!

My favorite time of the day. NAP time. Not for me! For Cabbage Patch! Nap time for her! She NEEDS a nap. Or rather, I NEED her to nap. I need her to nap for the next two hours so I can fold that monstrous pile of clothing that is threatening to consume the love seat it is perched upon.* Everyone should love nap time. World peace could probably occur if NAP TIME was mandated for EVERYONE. Okay, enough.

*I kid, about that. I wouldn't really fold those clothes!

PS - her new stalling tactic is to stand here and say "That was only a SNACK." about her lunch. Yeah right kid, I know you aren't going to EAT! Go to sleep before I have to get out the tranquilzer darts again!

Children Are Mental Illness

I ask her if she wants lunch and she declines, then when I tell her it’s time for naps she looks at me shocked and says “But MOM, I haven’t had LUNCH YET?” What? 2 minutes prior she was basically telling me to stuff myself about lunch and now it’s all important.

I make lunch (gourmet packet of ramen noodles) and when she is informed that she has to EAT and can’t play on the computer any more, the rain starts. Thunder and lightening! A storm of epic proportions! The gnashing of teeth and stomping of feet. Up the stairs, into the bed room. I can hear her still wailing and yelling to the stuffed animals and dust balls about how she just wants to play the game! Oh the torture! Oh the humanity! How cruel I am!

For 5 minutes. Then the storm subsides as suddenly as it began. Down the stairs she comes, peering at me disapprovingly. I smirk, it’s funny to me. ‘Lunch!’ I say and she walks to the bowl of noodles going cold. Then it starts. “Mooooooooom. I didn’t want you to take a bite!” (yes, yes I did, I took a freaking bite of noodles while she was busy having a mental collapse over not playing the damn game, she didn’t even see me do it!) I ignore her. She persists walking right up to me and making sure I am looking RIGHT AT her and says “I didn’t want you to take a bite!” I laugh, but I’m prone to inappropriate laughter at times. She storms off to the kitchen and stands on the stool with her hands on her hips, me following with the bowl of noodles. “I didn’t want you to take a bite!” I finally say “Okay, I’m sorry, I took a bite. Do you want it in a pink bowl?” “I’m angry at you!” “Oh really, was that all the screaming about? Do you want them in a pink bowl?” stoic silence as she turns to leave the kitchen. “A pink bowl with a pretty pink fork!” Her eyes light up as she takes the bowl and goes to the table to eat lunch.

The temporary insanity has passed… for the moment. Dinner time may bring a relapse… or psychoactive drugs. Whatever.

Challenges Of LIFE

LIFE with a 4 year old goes something like this:

Her: Okay mamma, I set it up. This my car, and this your car. Look you got a husband!
Me: Oh that’s great. Your car is awfully full *pointing to blue car full of pink pegs*.
Her: I gots friends.
Me: That’s always nice. I’m not driving a green car. *Putting pegs into red car and dropping the two pink ‘kid’ pegs*
Her: AHHHHH! You dropped me!
Me: No it’s fine. See you are in now? Besides, THAT’S your car. Who goes first?
Her: Ummmmm… I go this way and you go that way.
Me: Okay, but who goes first?
Her: Ummmmm… I do… No, you go.
Me: Okay, I’ll spin.
*click* *click* *click* *click*
Me: 7… 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…
Her: *echoing my counting until suddenly* No! Stop! You gotta stop! It’s a red light!
Me: Okay fine. It’s your turn.
Her: *click**click**click* 8!
Me: 4
Her: 1, 2, 4, 7, 5, 9!
Me: no, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…
Her: *car stopping noise* I gotta stop, red light!
Me: Mmmmmhmmm… *spinning* *click**click* *click* 5.
Her: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! You fell out the car!
Me: It’s okay, see? Back in the car.
Her: *spinning* *click* *click* *spinning again* *click* *click* *click*
Me: No, no, only spin once. Once. No.. stop.
Her: *finally stopping when I put my hand on the spinner* 4!
Me: Yes! 4!
Her: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6..
Me: Uh, no… just 4… let’s go back.
Her: No! I supposed to be on dat road.
Me: No, this one.
Her: No, DAT road. *saying it slow as if I’m too stupid to understand*
Me: Fine whatever..
…later… at the end of the ‘GAME’…
Me: *spinning* *click* *click* *click* 7… 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7! I win!
Her: *spinning* *click* *click* 4! I win! (toward the beginning because she started going the other way on the road)
Her: Now we get cash money. *starts carefully pulling out random amounts of colorful play money, which by the way we hadn’t played with at all during the game.*

Looking For A Clock Tower and A Scope For My Rifle

Just kidding, today is a MUCH better day. No migraine. Still issues, but light at the end of the tunnel and I don’t think it’s a train today. The boy, still disinterested, but whatever – BOB still loves me. It’s all a waiting game really… not The Boy, just everything else really. I’ll be fine… I don’t even own a gun.

B-Day Girl

Yesterday Super Girl turned 7. Wow. 7. So now I get to bore you with her birth story – it’s tradition. Here goes: Dear gawd! 36 hours of labor to have a 9 lb 9 oz baby? 21 ½ inches long? No way! That’s almost a third of my height! Fucking 6’ 3” father, it’s all your fault. Shit! We are buying a dog next time I get that maternal instinct, this sucks! Awwww… look there’s my baby. Wow, she doesn’t look like an alien. We shall name her Super Girl and Super Girl shall be her name.

And THAT’s about it. More or less. If you want a more indepth (accurate) account, then search the archives, I’m sure I wrote about it in detail over one of the past 7 years.

Anyway, she had a happy b-day and there is to be a PARTY this Sunday (thank you The Wife and Captain John for the use of your house).

Workin’Girl

I MAY be changing my work status soon… Depends. My manager has approached me with an opportunity and I’ve discussed it with K as to whether it would be a good idea or not. Seems like it might. Don’t want to talk about it too much… Might JINX myself. Wish me luck!

Happy Valentines Day Bitches!

Just wanna wish all my friends a happy day and let you know that I want EACH and EVERY one of you to be my Valentine. *ahem* Not like that sicko, I mean it in a very NON sexual and friendly way that involves no mouth parts touching anyone's body parts (yes guys I know the perfect gift for a man is a BJ, but sorry it's not happening... unless of course you are that certain person I would give it to, but whatever... the rest of you, just back off).

As for me I'll probably be spending a special evening with my guy BOB. And a very Vibrating Valentines Day to you also.

ANd let's end this with an inappropriate for this day quiz... enjoy.

You scored as Bondage. Your turn on is bondage... all out. You don't have a specific part of kinky sex that turns you on more than any other... everything working together turns you on. And why shouldn't it? Sex isn't sex without all the trimmings. Chains/Handcuffs 83% Bondage 83% Biting 75% Whips 67% Blind Folds 33% Blood 8% What's Your Kinky Turn On? created with QuizFarm.com

This Is A Good Place For A Stick Up!

Yeah, that smell? That’s my life right now. Shity. I know it’ll get better, I know it will. I just am not enjoying coasting down shit creek with out a paddle at this moment. The smell is getting tiresome. And I know all my 3 loyal readers are quite tired of my bitch ass whining. I personally don’t blame you – I’m tired of it also! Somebody slap me already!

So I’m going to whine a bit about things, be very vague about the specifics as to protect the idiots (that would be me mainly) and then move on to some of the funny shit from the weekend.

Today we (K and I) had one of those “Gawd-damn it! Life just kicked me in the balls!” moments right off. Yeah wonderful. This on top of my horrendously expensive ticket a couple weeks back that I received compliments of Ft. Worth’s finest and our recent discovery that the IRS has generously delayed our much needed tax refund an extra 7 to 10 days (who wants to bet it will be 10 at the very least). So yeah, um.. Great, thanks Government! Is this your way of getting me back for contributing to the Democratic Party?? It was only $5! Come on! Give me a break!

Then of course there is the boy I’m interested in who’s not so interested in me, which is fine yet somewhat depressing. I haven’t really been interested in someone for more than just sex in a while so it is disappointing and harkens back to the traumatic days of high school and all the moments of unrequited affection. Good lord, aren’t I just a tad too old for this shit??? It’s cool it’s fine, he’s a great guy and being friends is good. I going to stop stalking him now, just let it go and remove all the hidden cameras from his home and disconnect the tracking device from his car. Friends, yeah just friends. No more stalking, I promise. Though I will still keep the boy in my rotation of men I fantasize about while abusing Bob. Come on; don’t look at me like that! Good masturbatory material that you don’t have to pay for is hard to come by! Besides, isn’t that really a compliment?

Oh yeah and I’ve got a migraine that is finally starting to ease up after a handful of pills, a cup of coffee and a hot shower. Which is good because I was starting to think I was about to give birth to an alien baby through my left sinus cavity. Whew, glad it was just false labor.

AND I have a zit on my nose. Yes, right on the end of my fucking nose. It’s lovely and super sexy let me tell you. Definitely something to contemplate while engaged in self love.

Okay… enough whine for now!

Shit from the weekend that made me laugh…

Texann (not her REAL name) and I were discussing a certain person’s boyfriend and how he’s the pickiest vegetarian known to man and how he pretty much only eats beans, rice, peanut butter and cheese. Texann decided that he should be called The Refugee since he eats like a refugee. As she put it “Isn’t that what we feed to the refugees? Rice and beans?”

Some guy offered Texann $10 to grab another guy’s ass and she did it. He didn’t pay up though. She said she almost told the cute guy who offered her the $10 that he’d have to let her grab his ass as payment since he didn’t give her the $10. She should have.

The Sexy Witch and I were being complete dorks and thought it would be funny if we used ‘offended’ for aroused and vice versa. It was quite funny at the time, but I’m sure it sounds like we were being primo ‘tards now. Yeah, we were, but what the fuck.
The Sexy Witch, Texann and I decided that the perfect Single Girl (as in no man in the picture) Valentine’s bouquet would be roses with a pack of batteries with a note signed ‘Love Bob’.

The creepy homeless guy who was hitting Texann and me up for money as we arrived at Ben’s. His only saving grace was that he started out the conversation by telling us how BEAUTIFUL we were.

Okay that’s all for now, I can’t fucking remember anything else for now.

The Attack Of The Angry Poodle Hair!

That would describe my hair today, a bad title to a bad B grade horror flick. No one famous would star in it, just maybe a couple of sad, dried up former child stars briefly out of rehab long enough to do one shooting and no scene reshoots because they’ll be back in rehab. Maybe I could get the Corey’s from the 80’s, it’s not like they are doing anything these days. Except maybe working at a local Burger King and checking in regularly with a probation officer. But I digress… as usual.

This morning I decided to enjoy the peace and solitude of being totally alone in my home in my room in my comfee and clean (sheets, comforter, pillow cases, pillows, everything sanitized) bed and didn’t get up until 8 am. I washed my hair as I didn’t want the nasty cigarette stink from the bar to linger with me all day and put in my BRAND NEW hair stuff that’s actually some stuff I used to use but lost track of because they changed the packaging and then the store I used to buy it in stopped carrying but not really they just MOVED it because it had a new bottle and I didn’t realize it because I don’t always pay that close attention to stuff like that… Can we say ADD??? Anyway, I found it again, but didn’t realize it was IT until I looked closely at the bottle of de-frizzing shine stuff and realized it was THE BRAND I love, so I bought two bottles and vowed to go back and buy the other 998 bottles to stash under my sink for a rainy day (which is when my hair usually frizzes the worst) . So um.. yeah… back to what I was saying…

I get breakfast and coffee and get on the computer to waste some time while I let my hair dry for a bit, then get slightly bent because someone makes a comment to me that’s not exactly what I want to hear but what the fuck ever, I don’t control the universe otherwise brown cows would give chocolate milk and the black and white ones would give coffee with cream. But yeah, bad mood because I’m a baby, no other reason. Because it’s COLD outside I decide to blow dry my hair which is a total and complete mistake as my hair has taken on double it’s normal volume. I have ENORMOUS hair and it’s making me look like a giant angry red poodle. Fuck, somebody throw me a bone!

Off to work which is just fine at the first hospital giving me a false sense of security for the rest of my work day. I get to the hospital and have more discharges than I anticipated because some people are stupid and can’t mark a chart correctly. Whatever. I dash out and take one set of photos – PERFECT. Go to the next – decline. The next I go to take the fucking camera won’t focus. At all. I spend an extra hour in this person’s room trying to get it to work and it won’t. The shots are perfect until you blow them up to see the detail and they are fuzzy. DAMN. I call my manager and get her voice mail, I call the other photographer and get her voice mail also. Oh and I got a call from one of the other photographers at one of my other hospitals and THAT whole system is broken so worky-worky for me. Damn.

So yeah, crappy day… and I’m totally out of CAKE! Well I’m going to go take a nap now and hope the rest of the day doesn’t SUCK (although it probably will).

All Hail The Princess!


Bow down Bitches!

hehe... I wore a tiara last night! So did a lot of guys also... hmmm... I didn't think I was at a drag bar.