Hyena's Comedy Club Photos

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Luau Photos
AKA The Drunk Judy Project

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Oh No You Di-n’t!

I’ve been TAGGED! (boy that little clamp thing on the ear really hurts! Radio collar isn’t to bad though…)
“Rules: Each player of this game starts with 6 weird things/habits about themselves. People who get tagged have to write a blog of their own of their own 6 weird things/habits as well as clearly state this rule. At the end you need to choose 6 people and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "Tag you're it!" and tell them to read your blog.”
Damn you Cin, I thought you liked me! ;-)

1- I think I’m taller than I actually am and then I’m terribly shocked to see how very short I really am.

2- I was bit by a dog once. I was 3. The dog was a weiner dog and it bit me on the big toe. No I’m not kidding.

3- I don’t know how to ride a bike. I’m not likely to learn either, I fear falling down and hurting myself (mostly my pride).

4- I eat M&M’s/cookies/etc. in even numbers. I don’t know why, but it has to be that way or I’ll spontaneously combust. I also match the colors of the M&M’s.

5- Though I fear and loath most bugs, I adore the cicada and crickets.

6- I’ve only had orange cats for the past 20 years of my life.

Now, here are the people I shall tag:
Shana
Luna
Dawn
Wynde
Kent
Angelina
Dora
What? So I can’t count… I figured there was plenty of love to go around ;)

Photos from the LUAU to come SOON! Stay Tuned!

Hair Change

Hot in Pink!


Glowing Green!


What do you think? Should I buy the pink dye or the green dye?

ALSO
Apparently my stalker has decided he doesn't want me to stab him the scrote. His 6:30 am phone call yesterday was not followed by one this morning. And really, who the hell is spankin' the monkey at 6:30 AM?? Or 4 am? Why would anyone be up choking thier chicken at 4 am?!?!? Whatever, just don't call me if you are doing it.

Who Wants To Help Me Hide A Body?

That ASSHOLE called my phone at 4 am today! 4 in the fucking morning! This shits not funny. It’s making me an even crankier bitch than usual. Part of me is really REALLY thankful that he doesn’t know where I live. Although… that might have been a good way to have his own stupidity take care of him – I’m sure my neighbor the *ahem* ‘former’ gang member would be more than helpful if I asked him to… after all he has already told me that if anyone causes trouble, he’d be more than willing to take care of things (I believe the phrase he used was “I’ll come out here with my glock in one hand and my cock in the other. I’ll take care of they ass.”)

Honestly, I just wish he’d STOP calling and forget about me or whatever! Sheesh, now why can’t I be this unforgettable to the guys I DO like???

What Your Underwear Says About You

Admit it, you've dreamed of being a underwear model. You're comfortable in your own skin - and don't care to impress anyone.

The Underwear Oracle

Random Things Said In My Presence

Enjoy the movie… because you can’t get a refund. I mean you can’t get your money back so you might as well enjoy the movie, that’s all.

Her (while watching LOTR): What is he looking for?
Her 2: His creamsicle.
Me: What??????

ME: okay I need to go to bed
THEM: bed is over rated unless there is someone in it
ME: so true, sooooo true

Well I don’t want to trash it up. Fat pregnant hooker look isn't what I want right now.

So I'm white trashed OUT. It’s ubber sexy.

HAMMY: Damn the sperm!

Other Things

I’m lazy, I’m busy, I’m out of touch and under sexed. I haven’t blogged and whatever, I’ll get to it in a while. I have to make a baby quilt this week. I’m such a procrastinator, I’ll be sewing it Friday if I don’t get off my ass and get it started now. It should be delightfully adorable and goth and doesn’t that just sound like a weird combination for a baby quilt? Who cares, Claire will love it. All black and red and silver with little skulls and stuff.

On the Crazy Front

And for once I’m not referring to a family member or close friend. Some men need ball sacks stapled to desk. Apparently I’m being stalked in a passive aggressive manner by a guy I went out with ONCE a couple of months ago. I found him to be intellectually inferior (i.e. fucking stupid) despite being physically appealing to the eye and that is a sin I can not forgive and can not date. So I stopped taking his phone calls. He kept calling but I didn’t answer. The last such ignored phone call was a week or so ago. Yesterday morning my cell phone rang at 6:45 am. It said PRIVATE and that piqued my curiosity so I answered it. What I heard was heavy breathing of someone engaged in some type of masturbatory activity. I thought it was kind of funny and I THOUGHT it was someone else trying to be funny. The call lasted maybe 3 minutes then the caller hung up. Later that morning I asked the ‘someone else’ about the call and he pleaded ignorance and then I was instantly creeped out and disgusted which amused the hell out of him. This morning my phone rang at 5 am! Again with the heavy breathing. This time I said “Who is this?” and the person started saying something about sucking his cock… or maybe sorting his socks… not sure… it was 5 am and I was PISSED about being woken up. I hung up. ASSHOLE calls RIGHT back, I hit ignore and went back to bed. I recognized the voice as the moron from the one date. If he wakes me up again with the sounds of him pulling his pud I will be forced to drive to his house and stab him in the scrot. Don’t think I won’t.

Is It To Early To Start Drinking?

Fuck, some days I think I should just stay in bed. *sigh*

So I'm cleaning my kitchen and I see my long neglected empty fish tank. I decide that I really want fish this year for my birthday, better clean out the tank and get it ready for occupation. I take it down and clean everything. Then I put all the air hoses and stuff back in, fill it half way and decide it would go ahead and turn on the hoses to see if all the air stuff still worked. I plug in the power strip they are plugged into and nothing happens. I unplug things and fiddle with things, then plug back in. Nothing. I press the reset button on the outlet and plug back in. Nothing. More fiddling, then I go into the living room and see my computer screen is black. Damn it, I figured I popped the circut so I go into the laundry room and randmomly flip switches in the box. Come out, computer still off. Reset the VCR and TV for the kids go back to the laundry room, flip switches with purpose. Come out, computer is still OFF. Reset VCR and TV and try again with the flipping of the switches. Nothing. DAMN IT! I must have blown a fuse. Now the computer and all is plugged into an extension cord and I must call the maintenance to come fix the fuse. *sigh* I need a drink now.

Jewish Sex

The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I
rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and
she screamed for five full minutes at the end." The Frenchman boasts,
"Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over
with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for
fifteen minutes." The Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and I
also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken
fat). We made love, and she screamed for over six hours." The
Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They asked, "What could you have
possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?" The Jewish man
says, "I wiped my hands on the bedspread,"

Oy, I'm so Vakelmpt, Talk among-stah yaselves.

Interesting Dragon Fly


I saw this lovely buggie flying around my townhouse yesterday, in fact their were two of them flying aroudn the court yard. I loved the wings so much I had to chase them around for 5 minutes to get two photos!

Later: K messaged me with this: the dragonfly in question is a "Libellual Subornata" aka The Desert Whitetale.

Thank you K!

Assurance

Yesterday when I told my offspring that they needed to take a bath, I was met with an unusual amount of resistance to the prospect as they were certain the BIG BUG was still occupying space in the bathroom. I assured them that the bathroom was now a BUG FREE zone and that I had in fact paid out 8 bug bait/poison thingies that had started to *KILL WITHIN HOURS of me setting them out. Before either of them would acquiesce to bathe in my bathroom I had to point out each and every bait/poison thingie to each progeny separately. THEN and only THEN were they satisfied of the bug-free-ness of the room. *according to the big letters on the packaging.

Summer

Lucky for me the Tiny Terrorists summer break ends SOON! (Though not SOON enough.) In celebration of the nearing END to my torture, I have consistently been making a point to sleep IN (past 7 am is sleeping in here) and have managed to avoid anyone in this household (save K) getting dressed prior to noon! We’ve also managed to watch copious amounts of cartoons (JLA) and avoided doing ANYTHING with a deadline! It’s fabulous.

And on that note, I must go for the moment… my spot on the sofa is getting cold. ;-)

Which Tarot Card Are You?

You scored as III - The Empress. The Empress is a maternal symbol. She is the mother figure who loves, nurtures and protects. She will protect you, she will always be there when you are in trouble. When you fall over and graze your knee, the Empress will kiss it better. Yet she is not a weak figure. Her compassion is strength. If her children are threatened she will stop at nothing to protect them. If well aspected in a Tarot spread, the Empress can symbolise security, protection and unconditional love. If badly aspected it can represent over-protectiveness, fear of risk taking and refusal to face the real world. III - The Empress 94% II - The High Priestess 81% XIII: Death 81% IV - The Emperor 81% VI: The Lovers 69% XVI: The Tower 69% XI: Justice 63% XIX: The Sun 63% VIII - Strength 56% I - Magician 56% 0 - The Fool 50% XV: The Devil 38% X - Wheel of Fortune 31% Which Major Arcana Tarot Card Are You? created with QuizFarm.com

Overkill?

Last week I mentioned the BIG BUG in my bathroom that frightened The Little People so much that they chose to avoid my bathroom at ALL COSTS. I personally was scared shitless by the bug also, but had refused to do anything about the bug for two reasons 1 – I’m a big pussy in this area and just won’t squish a big nasty bug unless I absolutely have to, I prefer to either spray the hell out of it with whatever can of spray stuff is available and at hand or just practice ACTIVE AVOIDANCE (as in walk out of the room, close the door, nail it shut, seal all the cracks and brick it in… at least mentally that’s what I do, my desperate lack of building materials and experience keeps me from doing that) and 2 – I figured that if the BIG BUG scared the kids enough to make them stay OUT of my bathroom, then maybe I could strike a pact with it to keep the kids OUT of my bathroom – I figured if I refrained from spraying it and let it hide behind the trash bin, only to venture out when the offspring were in the bathroom and would run back to hiding when I made a presence, then I wouldn’t do anything drastic. It seemed somewhat insane but somehow reasonable.

Friday I ran a bath to shave my legs for my date later. Because I have progeny, I rarely EVER get to bathe solo if they are in the house. My oldest progeny ventured into the bathroom and stated that she would bathe with me, whatever, fine. She then questioned me as to whether I was afraid of the BIG BUG (no) and what would I do if it got in my bath (it won’t) and all that crap. I finally asked her to hush about the bug and went about shaving my legs. I finished and was about to tell Super Girl to wash her hair when I felt something brush my arm, I turned to look and lo and behold the BIG BUG was IN MY BATH WATER! Holy FUCK! I yelped something like “Gaaahhaghh! The BIG BUG!” and hauled my ass out of the water in record time. I think my offspring jumped from the tub all the way to my bed without ever having her feet touch the floor. Now the BIG BUG was on my bath pillow so I instructed Super Girl to go get the Napalm (bug spray) out of the kitchen as I stood there wide eyed staring at it. I must have sprayed half the can of bug spray on that fucker and decided that since I’d NEVER be taking a bath in THAT TUB EVER AGAIN, that the bath pillow would accompany the BIG BUG to his grave in the dumpster. Just glad I was FINISHED with the razor when the BIG BUG dive bombed me or I’d probably have amputated one of my legs!

Saturday we went shopping, I stopped at the poison section and carefully considered my options. I purchased a box of bug poison/bait traps. Today I’ve scrubbed my bathroom and put out ALL 8 of the traps in MY bathroom. Do you think that’s overkill or should I get another box?

Read The Directions First

Because that one about using Tilex in a well ventilated room isn't just to fill up space on the label - it's also a good idea! I think I've killed off several brain cells this morning... but that bathroom grout is sparkling!

I HEART WalMart!

Where else am I going to see a baby with a spiked mohawk in the middle of the day?

Where else am I going to have a woman with 5 bratty kids glare at me because one of my children dared walk in front of her basket?

Where else am I going to end up boxed in by old people while looking for migraine medicine?

Where else am I going to be able to get Kool-aid AND poison and only have to be approved to by the BATHROOM CLEANER? (Jim Jones eat your heart out.)

Summer Vacation…

With summer vacation coming to an end soon, people keep asking me “So, how are you liking summer vacation?” I know they THINK they are being funny, but in reality they are just ASKING for me to remove their still beating heart with a very dull spoon and show it to them before throwing their lifeless body off an over pass. Really, they are.

Back in May as summer vacation quickly approached I had delirious hopes of schedules and crafts and play dates and fun adventures. Towards the end of May I was back in the REAL world, dreading the start of summer vacation just like all the other parents. I’m not sure why I thought it would be dreamy and fantastic when the two week Winter Insanity break usually leaves me needing a 12 step program by day 3. At that point I made a half-hearted attempt to find summer activities to sign up my offspring for and to give me some much needed peace and quiet. Sadly all the day labor places refuse to take them based on age and lack of experience and all the child labor places were already full up with Cathy Lee’s work force. Damn it. I was even willing to forfeit their ‘generous’ pay in lieu of having to pack them a lunch every day.

I realized that I was now going to be forced to entertain my own children for the whole fucking summer. At that point I could see a Betty Ford Treatment center vacation for me in August. Luckily things have turned out much better than anticipated. I haven’t had the urge every day to drink an entire bottle of vodka for breakfast (I try to keep that just for special occasions or 3 times a week, whatever comes first) and I stopped gun and ammo shopping online after the 3rd week. I’ve also almost completely stopped waking up screaming at nights.

This summer has afforded my offspring many exciting challenges and adventures and has taught me that occasionally I’m much more patient than I ever thought. It’s been educational for my progeny, though not in the ways I had anticipated.

The first wonderful incident… er… um... adventure, was the painting project for my grandmother’s 75th birthday. D and I spent a whole fucking week crouched over a tiny table full of paint bottles and glitter as the offspring occasionally painted with us but mostly just made messes and watched DVD’s. Very educational also, they learned that hard work pays off and as long as mommy is busy they can watch as many DVD’s as they want and probably eat all of the popsicles before mom notices.

Next was the fabulous day trip to Burnett to spend time with family and celebrate the grandmother’s 75th birthday. Dear gawd make it stop! The offspring got to spend time with some cousins they never get to see and mommy got to down 5 vodka tonics and 2 shots of premium vodka and still wouldn’t let them have a whole Coke to drink. What did they learn? Aunt D can’t always talk her way out of a ticket, Grandma has scary psychotic dogs, Grandpa talks a lot and drinks a lot, mommy drinks a lot around family and HOLY FUCK the spiders are HUGE out there!

And the next week was Help A Sista’ Out week! That was the week I got to help D move from one apartment to the next. Yeah that was great. What did they learn? Mommy is a bitch and orders everyone around.

The next week was take a little break week and let’s clean this fucking apartment week. During that week their room was completely cleaned through forced slave labor of my own offspring. Let me just tell you. They hated every minute of it. What did they learn? Not only is mommy a bitch who orders everyone around, but so is Aunt D!

Interspersed with all this exciting adventure has been dog watching (YAY Coco!), swimming, camping and tubing, many days of being grounded, steaming cleaning the carpet, walks in the park, 100 million questions a day (at least half the same damn question), a birthday party complete with bad pizza and good rides and the daily counting of the days until school starts (by me) and daily fights between the offspring. Hey, I never said this was the happiest place on earth did I?

Things I’ve learned for next year:

• I need to start on antidepressants about a month before school ends… if not within days of school starting.

• I need to sign up the kids for summer activities sooner than the middle of MAY.

• I really need to secure ‘vacation’ time for the kids with some foolish family member for next summer – I really REALLY miss them being gone for a week to visit Grandma (damn the luck that my grandmother would be in declining health now that she’s 75, that’s very inconsiderate of her ya know).

• I need to start on antidepressants sooner… on did I already mention that… hmmm... go figure.

• My kids will NEVER stop having NAP time. I don’t care if they are 30; I’m still putting them down for a nap every day.

Seriously, it hasn’t been horrible; though I am SOOO looking forward to the start of school it’s almost criminal.

Must run, gotta start on that second bottle of Vodka before they wake from naps.

Random Shit

85 % of all life on this planet is plankton… I think I’m plankton.

“US to scale back mad cow surveillance program” That headline just gave me the giggles as I thought of CIA men standing in pastures among the cows radioing back and forth to each other “Everything looks good here”.

Living Will

Last night I tried to escape my family by sneaking off to the bathroom to sit in a bath and read. My escape attempts were thwarted by my offspring who found me and decided that I needed constant and talkative companionship. (now earlier that morning the progeny had deemed my bathroom off limits as they saw a BIG BUG in there, so I THOUGHT the imminent threat of a BIG BUG would deter them.) First up was Super Girl who had to ask me if I was afraid of the BIG BUG (no), what would I do if the BIG BUG got into my bath (scream), that she was afraid of the BIG BUG (no kidding) but was going to sit on the toilet seat and chat with me anyway (darn). THEN she started up with ‘When you die, can I have your…’ I stopped her and asked her WHY she was asking that and she just asked it again. I decided not to give her any incentive to bump me off so soon so I told her that when she was a grown up she could buy one for herself and to not get any ideas. Next thing you know Cabbage Patch is in the bathroom and she’s wondering if she can take a bath with me (NO!) then she wants to know if I’m reading (trying to, now leave). I finally did convince them to leave about the time my bath was getting cold. *sigh* Today out of the blue Cabbage Patch pointed to something and started in with the “When you die, can I have your…” I just stopped and looked at her then asked if she was planning to kill me soon. So people, if I die in a suspicious play-doh accident in the near future, you’ll know why!

Insanity Thy Name Is Family
or
Crazy things people say to me

"You know daddy'd be all pissed if he thought there was some crippled clown I was making fun of."

Best Sign Of The Day

Taped to a computer in the nurse station:

Not Working, "Mad Cow Disease"!!

A Perfect Hair Day


Sadly I must waste it on WORK!

Horoscope for: Saturday, July 15, 2006

Judy,
You might not be as outgoing today as you usually are, but this is not a cause for worry or alarm. You have made it through a powerful wave of emotions and now it's time to integrate your feelings rather than distracting yourself with something else. Let others know that there is nothing wrong and that they don't need to do anything to make you happier. You may just need a little time to yourself.

*******

Or maybe my cell phone is just off right now... *sigh* Don't try to call me on my cell, it's pointless as I'll won't get the call. Call my house phone or send me an e-mail. *pout*

Sleep Interrupted

Last night the fire alarms in the building started going off for no damn reason. At 1:45 am. And they kept going off until about 2:30 am. Luckily I was awake because it was really LOUD in all the bedrooms and probably would have made me either have a heart attack or wet my bed, neither of which would have been good.

When the alarms were quieted and the Little People sent back to bed, K went outside because he thought there was a fire truck here and he’s hot for fire fighters. After he came back inside I asked if in fact there WERE fire fighters outside and he said yes, so I had to go out – what? Fire fighters are HOT.

I walk to the end of the sidewalk and look at the fire truck with HOT men sitting on it and one of them starts walking towards me. I’m thinking “Shit! I look totally white trash and here he comes!” He starts asking me questions about if I know where the maintenance man lives because they shut down the alarm but he needs to come reset it, yadda, yadda, yadda. In the course of the conversation I ask him if he knows the fire fighter who delivered Cabbage Patch and he said yes, then I (like the dork I am) say “He delivered my little girl.” And he says “Yeah, I know, I was there. I thought you looked familiar.” I’m all “Oh shit! Yes you are! I remember you! You were the one who put the placenta in the Blockbuster bag. Yeah I look different with clothes on and all. Yadda, yadda, yadda…” Now before I continue any further, let me clarify things: 5 years ago I went into labor at home, it was unexpectedly QUICK and the baby was breach with feet presenting first, necessitating a call to 911 which brought the entire manpower of station 3 to my house and in my kitchen to witness one fire fighter deliver and revive my youngest child. Because I work at the hospital near by and I’ve been unlucky enough to have two wrecks locally in the past 5 years, I’ve run into various fire fighters who were standing around in my kitchen that night. Invariably I ALWAYS look schlumpy or otherwise crappy when this happens! I mean it’s hard to look much worse than a naked walrus giving birth on a living room floor, though bleeding from a cut above my eye after totaling my car was a close second. But I digress, I told him that her birthday is TODAY (Happy Birthday Cabbage Patch!) and he was all impressed. He told me that all those fire fighters who had been standing in my kitchen were still at the same station and yadda, yadda, yadda.

I finally got to bed and good lord the wee people were up at 8 am ready for a birthday party! But that’s another story. ;)

Random Photos

Some random shots from my insane life... I'll ad more throughout the day.

Dorks


POTC

Brother


Brother 2

My Stupid Photos and Workin' it

Sunday D came over to pick up the dogs and we got into a conversation over goofy MySpace photos of someone me know so we had to take some goofy ass photos and get all the 'angles'. Here are some that weren't to marred by our laughter. I'll be posting some of this stupid shit on the profile, don't worry.

green


Goofy Me


So Tired...


Yes, yes, I know we are stupid... you should see the photos that I WON'T post!

Moving on... I started working out again. It's about damn time - It's been over a year since I worked out reguarly. I'm sore today, but what the hell I feel better and hopefully my ass will get smaller. ;)

Things People Say...

A random sampling of things that have been said to me or by me recently:


Him: You know who I bet gives a good blow job?
Her (eye brows raised): Oh, do tell.
Him: Judy. I bet she gives a damn good blow job.
Her (giggling): Wouldn't know.
Him: Yeah, she probably does. Damn I'm drunk.
(Of course I do though he'll never find out, and yes he was drunk)


"Oh yeah, you think you are funny don't you? Regular Chuckles The Fucking Clown." (actually D and I say this to each other all the time)


"I could really use a militant lesbian trainer."


*sniffle* *sniffle*
"What? I'm not even yelling at you!"
"I know you are gonna!" *sniffle* *sniffle*

"Oh sorry, I was just having an antacid flashback.

"Well what do they have in that store?"
"Books."
"Well what kind of books?"
"Books... it's a book store... they have all kinds of books."
"Well, maybe we'll just wait out here then."

"Damn it, she must know me and how vain I am."

Them: Someone is asking me on a date tonight. I'm just unsure about taking it.
Me: Is he a serial killer?
Them: He's a Rennie, so yes.

"Wow! It looks you had a small dog cut off your head. You look good though."

"You don't need a new life. You just got a new job, got a new hair cut and got rid of a bad boyfriend! Everything sounds great now!"
"No, no I think I'd be a squirrel if I was an animal. I'm a little hyper at times and I like to save things. Just think of that crap in my room as a pile of nuts. A big pile of nuts, but whatever. I'd make a really cute squirrel; I've got the hair for it. What? I do. I need more coffee."

"I think I'm getting depressed. I'm kind of on the verge of being depressed. It's either that or I'm extremely bored... or I'm just not drinking enough coffee."

"...now I'm just nauseated."

"It's okay, ugly, sleazy woman have a way of turning one's stomach."

Her: I would just like to state for the record. I hate dialup
Her: I want to shot the computer right now.
Me: yes dial up is something like purgatory
Me: it's one of the levels of hell for sure
Her: well its free... but the cost is my sanity

Her: ugh, I can feel the grease clogging my arteries
Me: Does it tickle?

Other randomness...

The tube trip is soon and I'm now having doubts about whether I shall go or not. I WANT to go, but I'm thinking I should really be the responsible type parent person and not go since it's a month until school starts (YAY! Summer Vacation is ALMOST over!) and I still have to buy school supplies (ack!) and school clothes for both Chaos and Destruction. A weekend of hanging out with my friends getting drunk and sunburned sounds magical, but I may just have to say now. Gawd, I don't know. Sometimes I hate being a grown up.

Things That Make You Go Hmmmmm...

I just finished taking a photo for a lovely couple... I think they may have been cousins. The father was so country (or kountry) I couldn't believe my eyes. Dad was wearing Dickey's denim cover alls, a plaid shirt, cap with some hunting logo on it and work boots, all he needed was hayseed to complete the look because everything else from the way he talked to the kind of dull look on his face fit the sterotype. He was totally nice, but DAMN Gomer! Don't wear that shit out in public!

Fabulous Saturday!!

It was good to see the sunrise today, I rarely ever see that. I'm having an amazing day!

Insanity They Name Is Family

Someone needs to bring me some gasoline and a match. I just saw TWO spiders in my laundry room! TWO! Not one, but ONE and a FRIEND or ONE on a DATE and we all know what that means right? It means that that one spider has friends and family and I am not prepared for a spiders friends and family plan going on in my domicile. So… my only reasonable action is to burn the laundry room and never return to it. Just brick it in. Of course that will make it difficult as far as clothing but I have a solution for that also. At first I just figured I’d buy new clothes when I ran out of the clean ones I have now, but then I realized I’d have that LAUNDRY problem again so I’d have to ENTER the LAUNDRY ROOM again or go to a LAUNDROMAT, which is obviously out of the question as it’s obvious that SPIDERS are attracted to washing machines so, no can do. So I’ve decided that I’ll just buy paper towels in bulk and wrap myself in them. It’ll work fine as long as I stay out of the rain.

Now With More Dogs!

Very soon I’ll have in my possession TWO dogs! D will be dropping off Coco and her brother A for the weekend. A is a very cool rottie mix. Don’t worry there will be photos! I shall take photos of them both! Even though I believe Toast sees my taking interesting photos of the dogs as exploitive and degrading to the dogs… yeah… WHATEVER! I know for a FACT that A is dieing of jealousy about Coco’s photos and is just so excited about all his upcoming photo shoots!

Moving Right Along…

My brother is moving to the area. My sister is going to go to Tenn. With our uncle to move him here. What a freaking joy.

Okay, enough. Off to eat some banana bread!

Camping With The Tiny Terrorists

A couple of weekends ago I took the little people on their FIRST camping trip! I had coordinated this venture with The Wife and Captain John and there would be tubeing down the river as well as CAMPING.

For weeks leading up to the actual event, the offspring were giddy with excitement at the thought of CAMPING and tubeing. I used this as leverage to force my progeny into submission, the mere threat of missing the trip was often enough to quiet even the most persistent whining. Life was good.

The day to leave arrived and the swan into the car and drove over to Captain John’s house. The Tiny Terrorists were quite helpful in getting out stuff loaded into the RV. After the loading and all we picked up The Wife from work and we were OFF! The fun part happened then. The progeny started the “Are we there YET?” about an hour into the drive. Joy.

Eventually we arrived at the camping area and were utterly astonished by the sheer number of GRASSHOPPERS. I honestly wouldn’t have been surprised if the river had turned to blood what with the plague of locusts! I’m not fond of grasshoppers and my tiniest of offspring is afraid of well… All bugs! So this was FUN! I mean fun if you consider dealing with a shrieking child fun. THEN we got to put the tent up, which the offspring were rather excited about for some damn reason, I didn’t care, it made the shrieking stop! The tent went up with out incident then we all donned swim suits and headed to the river to play in the water.

The water was fine except really low. There was one deep area which we did drag the Tiny Terrorist to and this was fine with Super Girl, Cabbage Patch on the other had insisted she was going to drown unless she was firmly attached to an adult much like a scared cat clinging to a tree branch for dear life. No one drown but Super Girl did learn to sort of swim with her face in the water which very much did look like she was going to drown. When this got really tiresome, we went back to the camp site and met up with the rest of our camping group who had just arrived.

Wynde Darling and MacGyver Ho had arrived and were setting up camp. I took this opportunity to cause further mental trauma to my offspring by taking them to shower in the bath house! Woohoo! Their first public shower! But FIRST we had to GET to the bath house. We had to walk across a field area and as we walked the grasshoppers would scatter which caused much squealing and “Mommy I need you!”s from Cabbage Patch. It must have taken 10 minutes to get to the bath house and it was only a 2 minute walk! Arriving was just frightening for the progeny as there were BUGS in the building and BUGS in the shower area. Both of them balked at getting into the shower that afforded us very little privacy other than a badly hung shower curtain but me being the good mother that I am I told the suck it up and get in the damn shower. Quite honestly it was creepy and really gross and the big ass spider that was hanging out under the sink was giving me a nervous tick, but we needed showers and I had already hauled our stuff to the bath house so it was going to happen.

After the shower the Tiny Terrorists practically ran out of the bath house. We had dinner and eventually everyone settled down to sleep. 1 queen sized inflatable mattress + 2 squirmy kids + me = very little sleep for me. In the middle of the night I woke as the kids were awake and complaining. I asked if they needed to go to the bathroom and both declined my offer (I honestly think at that moment Cabbage Patch would have opted for her bladder to explode rather than go back in the bathroom) so I grabbed my flashlight and headed out solo. When I had nearly reached the bath house I started to feel big fat rain drops. ‘Oh SHIT! The tent windows are unzipped!’ I thought as I dashed into the scary bathroom and took the fastest piss of my life then ran back to the tent in the dark (which in retrospect probably was not the brightest idea, but I didn’t trip over any thing so whatever). Luckily my offspring are fairly smart and had started zipping windows up in a panic as it was raining pretty hard by then. We finished zipping and settled into bed where in Super Girl looks at me and says “Camping SUCKS!” to which I sweetly answered her “Well too bad, we have another night of this so you better start likeing it!”. 10 minutes later Super Girl informs me that SHE HAS to go PEE. *sigh* out into the rain we go. Finally we are settled into bed and it’s time to sleep. It’s nice and cool in the tent from the rain and we sleep. For a couple of hours at least. Then I wake to drips of water. I turn on the flashlight and see that on both ends of the tent water has accumulated in big watery utters in the places that we didn’t tie down the rain cover. Fucking great. Not only that but right above the bed is another spot that is dripping… on... ME! I rouse my offspring and tell them we need to move the bed out of the way of the dripping. This is when I discover there are a few more drippy spots so I just try to position the bed in the least wet area, then it’s back to bed. The rain kept up until about 7 am.

The tubeing was fine, but short due to the river being really low. We all hit the river for the short trip (2 hours) and there was plenty of whining from the Tiny Terrorist. When we got to the drop off point the plan was for us to take all the tubes to the drop off point and go down the river again. I took that moment to talk to my youngest to see if she wanted to tube the river again because she was the one doing MOST of the whining the first time down. She said she wanted to stay and play on the beach so we did. Unbelievably my friends had a laps of sanity and offered to take Super Girl with them. I asked if they were serious… or drunk... and they assured me they WERE serious (and only slightly drunk) so I threatened Super Girl’s life if she misbehaved and let her go.

Cabbage Patch and I played then showered then waited for people and she wet her pants twice (that kid hated the bath house!). Everyone finally arrived back and camp. I washed the remaining child and then headed back to camp to wait for everyone to get showered. Poor exhausted Cabbage Patch curled up in a camp chair and fell asleep.

After dinner at a local Mexican place we headed back to camp and off to bed. In the tent the kids were complaining about each other touching them so I told Cabbage Patch she could sleep at the bottom of the bed which was closer to the fan. She grabbed her pillow and blanket and went to the bottom of the bed. Everyone slept. I woke in the middle of the night and turned on my flashlight to check the kids (it’s a mom thing). One in bed next to me, hogging the bed and one… wait.. where is the one that was at the bottom of the bed?!?!?!?!?! I sit up and look over the edge of the bed. She had fallen off the bed and was sound asleep on the floor. I just tossed a blanket on her and went back to sleep.

And the next day we headed home. I’ll thrill you later with the story of the fabulous sun burns! I think I’ve bored you enough for now.

Art Work!

Here are some of the eggs that I painted for my grandmother's 75th birthday.

All Of Them In The Same Basket


February


August 1


August


Meow!


Meow butt


Mehendi Egg


Other side


And more Mehendi Egg

MOVIE REVIEW!

The Muppet Movie – 1979

The other night thanks to La Seg we had a viewing of The Muppet Movie. The Little People had never seen the movie and I hadn’t seen it since I was a wee child.

My expectations were fairly low as I realize that a movie that an 8 year old thinks is FABULOUS is not necessarily a FABULOUS movie to an adult. To my surprise I totally loved this movie and completely enjoyed it – and got all the jokes this time! And to everyone’s annoyance I sang along with most of the songs. (Oh shut up, you know you do it to… I just ADMIT that I do it)

All the cameo’s by the old school stars was cool also. And BIG BIRD! Big Bird makes a cameo; I remembered that from the movie I just never understood the joke until NOW.

It was great. If you haven’t seen this movie since you were 7 or 8, then I highly recommend that you grab some popcorn and M&M’s and rent this baby. Nostalgia can be fun.

And on to the SECOND movie! It was a double feature night!

The Pirate Movie – 1982

Ahhh a gem from the 80’s, the era know for such great movies as THE TOXIC AVENGER, 976-EVIL, GARBAGE PAIL KIDS: THE MOVIE, Howard the Duck and BREAKIN AND BREAKIN 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO.

I can’t even really get into the plot as I really couldn’t figure out exactly WHAT the plot was as I was left wondering if it was a gay soft porn (yeah, most of the pirates seemed like THOSE kind of pirates) a love story, a teen comedy or just a really huge mistake. I did however sit through the whole fucking movie just so I could SAY that I had seen each and ever moment of that movie. Luckily my perseverance paid off as the final scene involves shiny pirate pants and a gold lame’ shirt. Oh yeah. Nothing says 80’s like bad mullets (yes, yes there was at least one in the movie) and gold lame’.

My suggestion, get tanked and put that movie in. If you start to lose interest, just fast forward to the last scene.

Professional Courtesy

I love my job, I love my job, I love my job... Today that's my mantra to keep me from ending up in a clock tower with a rifle.

I've been a baby photographer for nearly 5 years. I take damn good photos and I make damn good sales, I work hard at what I do and I love my job... for the most part. At this very moment I'm glad to be out of my client's room. I'm taking photos of her baby and I'm about to do some shots with the father and the mom says, "Ya know, I don't think we really need that. I'm just getting these done so people can see him now. I'm going to get some done by a professional later." My impulse was to call her a bitch and just walk out, but I didn't do that... I'm a professional, I know that pissing off the client doesn't make them want to buy photos so I just asked her if she was sure and nicely pointed out to her that I AM a professional and these are PROFESSIONAL photos. I was pissed, so pissed I didn't even let her see the photos I took even though she ordered. I was so insulted... still am. Whatever... I'll shake it off now... *her baby looks like a salamander though. ;)

* not really. She's still an ignorant ho though.

Thrilling Thursday

I know I promised to post photos of cool art work of mine (painted eggs) and detail the camping/tubing trip with the Tiny Terrorist, but fuck that, I’m not in the mood. I’m having a foul day and I don’t have near enough duct tape to make it a passable and less stressful day.

I’m cleaning. I have a stupid Pampered Chef party tonight and I have friends coming over to eat food and talk and pretend to be interested in expensive yet cool kitchen stuff. I’m stressing because I’m the only person in this fucking house who cleans. I mean really CLEANS, not just loads a dish washer and takes out a bag of trash. I mean put things in the right place, vacuum carpets, wipe counters and mop the floors. No one has REALLY CLEANED this place since November – yes November, gawd help me. So I’m CLEANING, REALLY CLEANING so that my friends who love me and know me don’t think I’m an utter and complete slob (though I’m sure my dear friends already know that I am a slob and they love me anyway).

This morning has consisted of me yelling at the Tiny Terrorist to do tasks to help with the cleaning. They have in turn hemmed and hawed and WHINED and eventually under penalty of grounding, spanking and painful death they have accomplished the tasks I have demanded of them (don’t worry, it’s nothing that would violate any child labor laws).

And now after fighting with cleaning equipment and sending children upstairs for naps I am nearing a point that my stress levels have dropped and my blood pressure has returned to normal, though I still am barking orders and yelling every time I open my mouth (you might not want to phone me right now).

Okay, my bitching is done for the moment… back to CLEANING.

Is Actively Avoiding Something Considered Exercise?

As I sat here eating my fat free fake crab tossed carelessly across my salad topped with peppercorn ranch while reading the news this conversation just took place:

Child 1: Mom do we eat whale?
Me: Hmmm? (not really listening)
Child 1: Mom. Do we eat whale?
Me: Hmm? Yes, yes you usually eat well.
Child 2: I TOLD you we eat WHALE!
Me: What? I mean NO we DON’T eat WHALE. Not unless you are Eskimo, we don’t eat whale.
Child 2: Just the whale skin.
Child 1: What’s an Eskimo?
Me: Native American who live in Alaska and other cold places and are allowed to hunt and eat whale.
Child 2: We eat whale skin.
Me: No we don’t.
Child 1: Do they eat ALL of the whale?
Me: Yes, I believe they do.
Child 1: Ewwww!
Child 2: We eat the whale body right?
Me: No we don’t. We don’t eat whale!
Child 2: Just the whale body right?
Me: What’s your sudden fascination with eating whale? Do you want me to get you a couple of whale steaks?
Child 2: EWWWWW!!!

Catching Up… Sort Of!

Gawd, I suck! I haven’t been good about regularly updating and that bothers me. I have so much to talk about and so little time. Actually I have a little time but then I end up mired in the guilt of having not updated and not being able to decide exactly where to start and who will care or what not. So… um.. I’m just going to give a short (and probably inaccurate) update of some thing and them MOVE on to current crap.

Scarby – It was fun, it was hot, a dear friend got bit by a radio active spider and developed super powers, sadly they only manifested themselves as a rather impressive cough with the power to clear a room and occasional projectile vomit. Well before she could choose a snazzy superhero outfit made of spandex, she went to a doctor and was given the antidote which oddly turned out to be allergy medicine and antibiotics.

K ended up going too, actually doubling his usual attendance at Scarby (hey, when you usually only go once a year, it’s not hard to do) AND he was in garb. He totally had a good time and plans to attend more next year. The plan is for him to go to TRF one weekend this year also! Dear GAWD, I’m turning my gay ex into a rennie! Am I CRAZY?!?! Heh, kidding, he’s a great guy and not just because his genetic contribution to our adorable offspring.

The best Scarby event happened toward the end of faire when I got crowned Duchess of the SPCF. This means so much to be as I absolutely love this group and I love helping out whenever I can. I feel honored and touched (and not in THAT way perv!) and I have a TIARA! I also bought feathers at Scarby, PINK feathers that I absoulty LOVE! Forget about the fact that I have NO and I mean NOTHING AT ALL in the way of PINK garb, the PINK feathers look fabulous with my hair.

And K went on the last day of Scarby, and it rained and it was hot but it was fun and we were tired when we left and we went to have our usual after Scarby dinner of trucker food at Waffle House. Damn I’m so freaking trailer trash some days – I LOVE Waffle House. I blame my extremely rednecked-trailer-trash ancestors for that. Get enough beer in me and you can actually picture me standing on the porch of a broken-down trailer, surrounded by beer cans and flea bitten mongrel dogs yelling for my progeny to get their asses in the house right now… or not, maybe you can imagine it minus the beer, I do like to wear my wife-beaters and camo pants. (It’s a fashion statement bitches!) But I digress, my trucker breakfast was fabulous.

Moving on, the week after Scarby ended was intended to be my first week of dreading Summer Vacation and of me trying to teach the progeny to SLEEP IN! But instead it was spent painting wooden eggs for my grandmother’s 75th birthday. Yes I said painting eggs. She’s collected eggs for YEARS now so D had the brilliant idea to paint eggs for her – 12. One for each month with each month having the birthdays in that month listed on the egg. Sounded like an amazing idea and my motto is anything worth doing is worth OVER DOING… or something like that… so I was all for doing AT LEAST 12 eggs. 12 unique, hand painted eggs. Yeah. We ended up painting about 3 dozen eggs total, only about a dozen and a half went to our grandmother. She was impressed… I think… it was hard to tell she was in a lot of pain from her pancreitis and I think she was drugged up (yay for her). Whatever, it was fun painting the eggs (photos to come soon) and I did somehow make up with my uncle who hasn’t spoken to me in 4 years – seems just letting him mix me drinks was the key. Not entirely sure what he was mixing but it was good and it had vodka in it. In fact he shared his BEST vodka with me. (This was the best vodka I’ve EVER had, so smooth!) THEN, THEN the fun party happened.

The DRIVE home. Oh dear gawd. We left at 10 to drive the 3.5 hours home which wasn’t a SMART idea since neither D nor I had gotten more than 3 hours a sleep a night for the past WEEK. Let’s just say, sleeping at a rest stop is in no way RESTFUL even if you do happen to be sleeping in a Mercedes Benz. When all was said and done, I got home with enough time to take a 30 minute nap, change clothes and head out to the Sammy Haggar concert (which ROCKED! They had burros in sombreros.)

AND… that’s it. I leave you with all the gems of whatever. Tomorrow hopefully I’ll have time to blog about the tubeing and camping trip with the Tiny Terrorists! Woohoo! Believe me it’s well worth a post of it’s own.

Doggie Makeover

Sad Coco


Just yesterday I noticed Coco pouting on the couch amongst the Tiny Terrorists teddy bears.

Leave Me Alone


I asked her what was the matter and she told me to leave her alone. After a few minutes of questioning, she told me that she just didn't feel pretty and was sad that I hadn't taken any pictures of her in days. I told her that she was still pretty even though she was looking a bit schlumpy but I knew how to fix it.

A BATH?!?!?!?!?!?! YAY!


You should have seen her face when I told her I'd give her a bath (well just look at the photo). So off to the store I went with Chaos and Destruction to procure a bottle of fancy dog shampoo (or Dog Wash if you ask Cabbage Patch).

All Wet and Clean


My only regret is that I did not video tape the bath because it was hilarious. Coco loves to play in water and it makes her act totally insanely funny. This was also the easiest pet I've ever bathed. All I had to do was put her in the water and let her run back and forth splashing around until she was wet, then put the 'dog wash' on her, lather and let her splash around until rinsed. To wash her face was even eaiser, Super Girl accidentally dropped a dog treat in the water and Coco dunked her face in the water to get it. Above is a photo of her all clean and wet and happy.

All Clean And Fluffed Up!


And finally here she is all blow-dried and fluffed up. What a happy, pretty doggie!

Ps sorry I don't have time to photo-shop anything interesting into the photos at the moment, but check back later, I very well may have altered the photos to make them more spectacular.

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are quite expressive and thoughtful. You see the world in a way that others are blind to. You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds. You believe that people see you for how you are, not how you look. But deep down, you know that's not exactly true. Your near future is a lot like the present, and as far as you're concerned, that's a very good thing. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

hell hound


Just to prove that I'm not sexist in my dog photo posting, here's a photo of the unpleasant little dog that lives at my Aunt's house. It's a rather accurate portrait of him, I just changed the color of his collar.

Drinkin’ Gin n’ Juice From A Sippy Cup

Actually it’s not gin… gin is a nasty, nasty liquid to have to get drunk on. It’s something much nicer and probably a bit more potent – Loki! But it is in a sippy cup.

* We Interrupt THIS Post As The CHILD Has Remembered To Ask About HOW BABIES ARE MADE! Yikes! I thought she FORGOT about that! No fair! I JUST now started to DRINK! Back to my drunken ramble after I educate my offspring and scar myself for life.*

Okay, I’m back and it only took half a drink and a few Google searches to give her an answer that wouldn’t make my brain hemorrhage. Hopefully the explanation involving alien abduction and probes will hold her for a couple more years.

Toilet of Doom…

(I’m moving on to another subject because I totally forgot what I was writing about due to the trauma of explaining how babies come into existence to my first born, so let’s move on…)

One day last week after I had spent most of the day helping D move, I returned home in the wee hours of the morning only to walk into my room and find squishy carpet in front of my bathroom. Fuck I said as I tried to figure out HOW my carpet got so damn wet. Fuck I said as I screamed angrily for towels and an explanation as to the wet carpet. *&^%$#@!@#?!?!^&$@# is what I said when I realized I could blame not my Tiny Terrorists nor my gay husband but only the gawd forsaken TOILET OF DOOM! So here I was at 1 am with all the towels in my home thrown on my carpet to try to soak up the water therein. Apparently the fucking toilet had overflowed and no one noticed it. Damn it, I need to perform another voodoo ritual in the bathroom! EVILNESS is CLOGGING my pipes! Er… the toilet’s pipes… and not totally clogging them, just making the toilet act funny. I hate that toilet.

Forgive My Oversight!

It's been pointed out to me by an anomous person (K) that I have posted the PRINCESS photo of Coco previously. So sue me. She's a cute dog.

BUT contrary to what some people (K) thinks, the rest ARE new photos. AND though I've been accused of being SEXIST in posting my DOG photos, I am not, I'm just lacking in MALE DOG models. So there.

Avoiding The Issue…

Just now:

Her: Who was that?
Me: None of your business. (eyes rolling up in head)
Her: Who was it?
Me: It’s none of your business really.
Her: Was it Aunt D?
Me: No really, it’s not your business. In fact, I can pretty much guarantee that EVERY time the phone rings it’s not going to be for you. You’re 4 after all.

Kids.

So last night K set in motion a set of events that I had hoped to avoid for a couple more years. Super Girl asking “HOW ARE BABIES MADE???” Sheesh. It all started rather innocently. The Tiny Terrorists asked their daddy for slices of watermelon (ew) and the conversation went to how one should not eat watermelon seeds because as all 1st graders know, they will of course sprout and grow in one’s stomach. At that utterance of wisdom I turned from my computer screen and asked Super Girl who told her that (a girl in her class) little gem of info. Before I could stop myself I decided to have a little fun at the ignorance of my own offspring and went along with the watermelon growing in the stomach thing. Just as I was convincing two wide eyed progeny of this ‘fact’ K pipes in with something about that’s where baby’s come from, women who eat watermelon seeds. With wide amazed eyes Super Girl said “Really?!?” and like a really bad mom, I said “Yes! Haven’t you ever noticed how pregnant women look like they have a watermelon in their bellies?” This conversation continued for a few moments until I realized that I was doing something I swore I would not do to my children – I was LIEING to them! And I vowed from the time they were born that I would not lie to them about anything (except that brown cows give chocolate milk and that I really DO have eyes in the back of my head and that the tooth fairy exists). So quickly told Super Girl that we were just kidding that babies DON’T come from swallowed watermelon seeds and OF COURSE the NEXT thing out of her mouth was “Where DO babies come from?”

Dead silence from us. I suddenly wanted K to burst into flames and for the previous conversation regarding watermelon seeds and babies to have never happened. She’s 7, I suddenly realized that I was completely unprepared for this. My brain went into over drive, what to tell her that was accurate but not to graphic, what to tell her that wouldn’t illicit MORE questions from her and why had K just basically said “Ask your mother” just now? My answer “Uhhhhhh… why don’t we look it up on the internet when I’m done with this e-mail?” She said sure, then K said something about how babies are made when a man and a woman get together and make a baby. I thought “Oh great, now she thinks babies are made from a joint effort of a play dough project! I will look up age appropriate materials to explain this complex phenomenon so that my offspring won’t forever resent the fact that I concocted some lame watermelon story.” Then Super Girl said “Okay” in response to her father’s lame answer and went back to watching the movie. Half an hour later when the Tiny Terrorists headed for bed, I wiped the sweat from my brow as I realized that I had indeed dodged that bullet for the moment.

More Coco


All Hail Princess Coco!


Madame Coco Will Read Your Cards


From her ski trip


Arrrrgh!


And a special guest pooch!

Jasmine!

Purple Pug

Where’s Waldo?

Dear Internet, I’m so sorry I’ve been gone. I know you’ve wondered and speculated as to where I’ve been and I’d like to say – many of you were dead wrong… I was not in rehab for any of my vices or addictions, I was not incarcerated for undisclosed felonious activities, I was not initiated into a tough biker gang, I was not quarantined for my annual bout of monkey pox/bird flu/bubonic plague/insert infectious disease (believe me I would have blogged in a drug induced haze), nor was I joining a cult (though I still am working on the guidelines for starting my own cult – the cult of Judyism… most members would be hot young mansicles who would be required to have copious amounts of sex with the cult leader – me… like I said… it’s still in the works, though I AM taking applications for membership). I was however really, really, fucking busy. Or maybe I was abducted by aliens… I think I’ll stick with that one because it’s better than saying that for a whole week I sat here in my living room and painted wooden eggs (photos forthcoming) for my grandmother’s 75th birthday and that I spend that Saturday with my family attempting to drink myself into a stupor (didn’t work) as we celebrated and somehow making up with the uncle who hasn’t spoken to me in 4 years – who knew that all I’d have to do was show up at a family gathering dressed white trash and let him mix me drinks – then drive back in the wee hours of the night/morning, get very little sleep, arrive home in time to take a 30 minute nap and get ready for a concert (where I got the deadly bug bite pictured below) – which rocked, they had donkeys in sombreros there – come home again in the wee hours of the morning and spend a large part of the next week helping someone move (ugh). So yeah, I’ve been abducted by aliens and it was interesting and I did get a lot of great photos, but I’m home now and I plan to spend the rest of this day doing some hard core napping (as if that will happen, my children are still HERE with ME… ugh… where is the Benedryl for them??). Again, I’m sorry I was gone, I’m back now, there were no anal probes, feel free to call me.

Love,
Judy

PS: YES there WILL be more photos of Coco!

Knit Rat!


All kids need a snuggly little rat to curl up with at bed time. I made this one for Cabbage Patch. I think I like Super Girl's better because it had multi-colored fur and mis-matched button eyes so it looked like it was a Mutant Rat! Hmmm... I'm thinking I need to start knitting rats for my pregnant friends... I need to start a line of Disturbing Gifts. Just think of what a conversation starter it would be to bring a bag full of pink and blue rats to a baby shower! Or how about the Angry Albino Baby Sock Monkey? Or maybe just a cuddly Voodoo doll for your favorite toddler? My First Tarot Deck with easy to read text? An artfully designed skull rattle? A shrunken head for baby to teeth on? Disturbing Gifts would rock. Anyone want to find me a backer for such a potentially proffitable venture? ;)

Not Dead Yet!

What the fuck is this???


This is a bug bite that's on my leg. I have no idea what the fuck it is, so like a reasonable adult, I'm turning to you Internet to diagnose me. I know, many of you choose to go to an ACTUAL doctor for this type of thing, but I happen to be exceedingly cheap and I'm related to a doctor so I just don't trust them enough to put my life in their hands (hey my aunt lost all my trust when she offered to stitch the gaping wound in my hand sans anesthetic). So Internet, it's up to you. Tell me what you think that is and if it's particularly heinous and deadly, please send links to graphic accounts of how I will suffer and die from this - I'll need to be prepared to photo blog the best parts of it.

Not Dead, Just Busy!!

I'm not dead. Just fucking busy.

So much to post, no time. Life been hijacked (feels like it).

So many cute doggie photos to post... so many completed painting projects to post photos of... so much napping to be done.

Back to you when I'm finished helping someone move.

Wish me luck.

Guest Dog Appearance!

Because I have a mental illness that is only squelched by my dressing up other people's pets... I dressed up Jasmine - LaSeg's pug.

Jasmine!!

She looks dashing in her kimono.

Pooped Princess

Parties can be so exhausting when one is the center of attention.

Last Chance!

D is on her way home. That means that TODAY is the last day of Coco's marvelous vacation and more importantly, it's the LAST day for me to dress her up and take humiliating photos of her!

To tide over the masses until I've finished with our photo session and editing, I've posted three photos in the style of Andy Worhol. Stay tuned, there will be MORE photos - a photo extravaganza!

Blue Dog


Tans


Neon Coco

New Outfit


Paris In The Spring Is So Lovely!


Wild Past


Not so crazy today. That's a good thing... I guess. Still sewing, many things done now. Woohoo!

Let The Party Begin!

So, for the past month or so I’ve been building to the mother of all Anxiety Attacks. Now, well the journey is nearing an end. I seem to have reached my Anxiety Attack and I’m in full panic mode 24/7! Woohoo!

Yeah, no kidding. Today I reached a new high sometime in the afternoon when my brain started racing like a gerbil on speed. I don’t imagine I’ll be able to sleep more than 20 minutes at a stretch for the next week and that’s just fine. I have so much to do I can’t stop thinking about it! If I’m not working, I’m thinking about how I need to be working and that just leads to panicking about it. When I am working I’m thinking about how I need to get this done and I can hear an imaginary clock in my head just clicking away (which is actually not to bad considering it drowns out the voices I normally hear), when I’m sleeping my normally refreshing and enjoyable dreams are interrupted by thoughts of work and the rhythmic sounds of a sewing machine.

Even now as I sit here just a few feet from my sewing machine, I’m tortured by thoughts of what I should be doing (sewing) and how much (sewing) I have to do and how long it (the sewing) will take to finish and how I need to seriously forgo sleep so I can finish (sewing) it all. Well that and I’m also thinking about how I have somehow managed to pull a muscle in my chest and how when I move and it hurts I suddenly get all mental and think “Maybe I’m having a heart attack!”, but I know that’s not happening, it’s just that I’m having this total anxiety attack and I just am not thinking straight, in fact really I probably didn’t even pull a muscle, I probably just have my bra on to tight and I’m to addled in the head to realize it’s crushing my ribs and cutting the circulation off to my brain and more importantly my boobs, which I don’t really need to do anything at all to cause to get SMALLER – dear sweet holy Moses, please don’t let my already small boobies get smaller! Oh... um… what?

So yeah, I’m a little insane at the moment. It’s fine. I just need some coffee… and some sugar… and to scrounge through the pantry to see if maybe there are some antidepressants left over from a few years ago. No worries, I’ll finish, I’ll regain sanity, it’ll all be over soon. No, no, don’t tell me how many days until then… that’ll just make it worse, just send me coffee.

Now With More Dog Photos!

I know, you thought (or hoped) I forgot about the photos. Not a chance! And to make up for Friday and the weekend, here are three gems just for you!

Friday: Princess Coco

"Hellooooooo, Prince Charming? I'm ready to be rescued now! Bring dog treats!"

Saturdday: Babushka

While I worked, Coco went through old photos and found this one of her Babushka. I didn't even KNOW she was Russian!

Sunday: Fortune Telling Pooch

Sunday, she found this one of her Great Aunt who worked as a fortune teller... untill that one incident... then the whole village turned on her and ran her out of town. Come on, how was she supposed to know the Cubs would lose the series??

And have no fears, I'm so not finished with this dog - coming soon "Coco's Wild Days Revealed!"

Okay, back to sew - life is busy and it sucks. Work was really busy (30 babies on Saturday! Fuck!) and it sucks. I didn't make it to faire this past weekend and THAT sucks. There's a whole lot of sucking going on around here and none of it's the fun kind. It'll be better soon.