Sucking Saturday
Today sucks. I should be working but I'm fighting the urge to just go the fuck home and crawl under the covers until sometime next week. I'm sure you are wondering why it sucks so much... Let me tell you... I gained 2 freaking pounds this week! I do realize it could just be water retention from the pizza but I suspect it's just FAT retention from the ice cream and cake this week. I know you are thinking 'that's not enough to say the day sucks from!' well yeah actually it us, but let me go on. A special friend moves AWAY today and that sucks. Again you are probably saying 'Oh come on, that's not so bad.' And you are sort of right, but still it does suck, even though there will be visits and all, I'd rather him still live 20 minutes from me. BUT WAIT, there's more! I got a ticket this morning. Yeah a ticket. I finished up paying off someone's mortgage up at Plano PD with the other one just a few months ago and NOW I'm priveledged to get to do it again, this time for Frisco! Woohoo. Mutha fuck! And ya know what sucks even more? I started to cry when I got pulled over! I NEVER EVER cry in front of people, and especially not for a ticket. (hell I'm crying now!) I'm so on the edge today and I'm totally emotional. A TICKET was not the thing I needed right now, I've got enough stress going on. So, come on people, cut me some slack right now - if any of you have the urge to send me a nasty e-mail - DON'T, I've had enough and I didn't deserve that one anyway, if you are pissed at me, well save it for later, if it's important enough it will keep until later, if I owe you money, I'm sorry, it's not happening right now, if you owe me money, just pay up or at least buy me a frappichino and a box of Kleenex. I'm not asking for much, just come on, don't kick me now that I'm down, I've had enough, really. I need my friends right now, not people trying to make my life worse (you know who you are), I need people who love me and are willing to be on my visiting list for when I probably end up in the Frisco jail.
Well I better go back to work... Or go sit in the restroom and cry for the next 45 minutes and hope for pity sales or something.
Saturday, July 30, 2005
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Ice Cream Coma Birthday
Tonight we celebrated Cabbage Patch's birthday at Ben & Jerry's. The day before her birthday I got a call from B&J saying I won a Vermonster - which is a 20 ice cream scoop sundae, so I decided to use it for her birthday. We invited some family (K's brother and sister-in-law and their son) and some friends (B, K's boyfriend and Whysper). There were 8 of us and we could have used a couple more people to help with the ice cream.
Vermonster
This is how it starts, all the ice cream and stuff in the BUCKET-O-FUN.
Eyes
My eyes, as photographed by my 4 year old.
Two Redheads
Me and Whysper after GORGING on Ben & Jerry's.
The FatChickie had the BEST thing to say though:
thefatchickie : dude,..... Never try to handle two men at once... That goes for Ben and Jerry!
thefatchickie : LOL I had to learn it the hard way
thefatchickie : one man at a time
HAHAHAHAHAHA! Man, words of wisdom! Shit I think I may die from ice cream overload... But I'll be HAPPY!!
Tonight we celebrated Cabbage Patch's birthday at Ben & Jerry's. The day before her birthday I got a call from B&J saying I won a Vermonster - which is a 20 ice cream scoop sundae, so I decided to use it for her birthday. We invited some family (K's brother and sister-in-law and their son) and some friends (B, K's boyfriend and Whysper). There were 8 of us and we could have used a couple more people to help with the ice cream.
Vermonster
This is how it starts, all the ice cream and stuff in the BUCKET-O-FUN.
Eyes
My eyes, as photographed by my 4 year old.
Two Redheads
Me and Whysper after GORGING on Ben & Jerry's.
The FatChickie had the BEST thing to say though:
thefatchickie : dude,..... Never try to handle two men at once... That goes for Ben and Jerry!
thefatchickie : LOL I had to learn it the hard way
thefatchickie : one man at a time
HAHAHAHAHAHA! Man, words of wisdom! Shit I think I may die from ice cream overload... But I'll be HAPPY!!
Club Night
Saturday night I went out with some of my posse to the club. My posse. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I've always wanted to say that. So ANYWAY, after work on Saturday I took a long nap so I could stay out late with the girls. When I woke I immediately started to PANIC about what the fuck I was going to wear! I am SUCH a mom, I don't have JACK SHIT that's HOT and HIP enough to be considered CLUB WEAR. But I was determined to go out and get my freak on... Or whatever. So I called in K for the GAY opinion. I completely disregarded it when the outfit he favored was the tight one that showed off all my lumps and bulges. Yeah, hot and sexy - NOT! So in absolute desperation I opted for the outfit that I had worn to work - can you get ANY more pathetic that THAT?? I think not.
Whysper picked me up a bit after 10 and we headed out to meet up with FatChickie and Dora. GothK decided to join us at the club which kind of surprised me because I had heard from FatChickie and Dora that the club was Hip-Hop/RB on Saturdays and I just didn't think she would be cool to that. I wasn't all to sure I'd be cool to that myself, I'm not all that into hip-hop, but I was willing to check it out, and in the end my inner ghetto enjoyed the hell out of it.
The club was pretty full when we got there, lots of fine men to bump into. Also lots of manly women in the club. But most importantly, LOTS of fine men.
I won't bore you with all the details, just hit the high lights:
I wasn't dressed NEARLY slutty enough, but that did not mean I didn't get hit on.
Early on it was discovered that my retainer GLOWS in the black light. Yeah, that was just fucked up. I had the WHITEST GLOWING smile, it was truly FREAK FACTOR there.
GothK cracked me the fuck up because one of the bouncer guys kept hitting on her (she did look good though) . At one point we were sitting at the table and he says to her "So do you want to know my name?" She said "No not really, but you can tell me if you want to." ohhhhhh... Shot down!
FatChickie kept buying us drinks - gotta love that! Having 4 Orgasms back to back with your girl friends ROCKS!
Some hot mutha fucker kept rubbing up against me most of the night. Damn I hope he had a license for that thing, because he was packin!
There was this one white boy at the club that looked like he got lost on the way to his Amway convention. He was a cute stock broker looking guy in his white shirt and tie, but he looked out of place. One time at the bar, FatChickie said "I'll give you a dollar if you go talk to him." I laughed she upped it to $1.50, then $2 and $3 and finally a shot (now she was talking) so I walked over and introduced myself like she suggested. About the time I was playfully tugging at his tie and teasing him about being out of place, FatChickie dragged me back to the bar laughing saying she didn't think I would do it! When I told her what I told him, I was chastised and told that I WAS supposed to tell him that my friend had dared me to talk to him for a shot. THEN she WENT OVER TO THIS MAN AND CRUSHED HIS EGO BY TELLING HIM THAT!! Drunk women!
I picked up some hot, hot, hot soccer player who was trying to impress us with his soccer prowess. He was doing really well when he was all "Here feel my leg" and letting me touch his hot body, but when he started actually TALKING, well he was a real ASS HAT. Whatever! I turned away from him and left him to talk to FatChickie and hit on her. She finally sent me back over to him, with the warning that he was a JACKASS. I went back and he told me that he'd like to fuck me but didn't want to go way up to my place, to which I replied "That's okay, I don't want you at my place." End of the line for you dude, gonna have to go home and jack off. Sorry 'bout your luck.
At the end of the night when the lights came up, some fine Sean Puffy Combs look alike was asking for my number. When he asked where I 'stay' and I told him NORTH City, he was all "North City?? Way up there?" and I told him "Oh, I'm worth the drive." He got my number, but he hasn't called. hehehe... Like he WOULD!
We stopped off at Jack In The Box after as GothK would not agree to go to Krispe Kream. Damn it. If I hadn't decided that I was her bitch now, I'd have been pissed. (kidding about the bitch part)
Anyway, I got home at 3:30 am. It was fun, must do it again.
Good Friends Can Call Each Other Fuckers
The best conversation today:
Him: I was just calling to say sorry that I hadn't called earlier to let you know we can't make it to the party tonight.
Me: That's okay, your wife already called and covered your ass. But now you owe me a beer you fucker!
Him: *laughing*
Me: I didn't say that to your wife. I didn't call her a fucker.
Him: *laughing* *laughing* That's good!
Me: But it would have been funny to hear her drop the phone.
Yeah I'm wrong in the head. Yes he owes me a drink. Yes he is a fucker - in fact I instructed him to hit it with his wife right now and get her pregnant with #2 before his 3 year old turns totally evil and makes them reconsider having another one. Which lead to:
Him: Well I can't right now, I've got to work.
Me: Oh come on! On your lunch break. Three minutes.
Him: *laughs* Yeah that's for me, not her.
Me: So call her and tell her to be ready when you get there.
Him: Believe me if it was that easy I'd be on my cell phone every day on the way home.
Me: It would for me! I'd be slapping a tape in the VCR every day when he got home. 'Here kids, watch this, mommy will be RIGHT BACK! Have a popsicle."
Me: But yeah, I got a gay husband. That's not happening. It's a big cosmic joke on me isn't it?
Him: Yes it is. *laughing*
And people wonder why I'm shareing a bed with BOB and no one esle. Well I need to go make a voodoo doll of him, fucker... and I only mean that in the most loving of ways.
The best conversation today:
Him: I was just calling to say sorry that I hadn't called earlier to let you know we can't make it to the party tonight.
Me: That's okay, your wife already called and covered your ass. But now you owe me a beer you fucker!
Him: *laughing*
Me: I didn't say that to your wife. I didn't call her a fucker.
Him: *laughing* *laughing* That's good!
Me: But it would have been funny to hear her drop the phone.
Yeah I'm wrong in the head. Yes he owes me a drink. Yes he is a fucker - in fact I instructed him to hit it with his wife right now and get her pregnant with #2 before his 3 year old turns totally evil and makes them reconsider having another one. Which lead to:
Him: Well I can't right now, I've got to work.
Me: Oh come on! On your lunch break. Three minutes.
Him: *laughs* Yeah that's for me, not her.
Me: So call her and tell her to be ready when you get there.
Him: Believe me if it was that easy I'd be on my cell phone every day on the way home.
Me: It would for me! I'd be slapping a tape in the VCR every day when he got home. 'Here kids, watch this, mommy will be RIGHT BACK! Have a popsicle."
Me: But yeah, I got a gay husband. That's not happening. It's a big cosmic joke on me isn't it?
Him: Yes it is. *laughing*
And people wonder why I'm shareing a bed with BOB and no one esle. Well I need to go make a voodoo doll of him, fucker... and I only mean that in the most loving of ways.
Inappropriate Laughter
Over inappropriate content. Go watch, much funny. Thanks Edana, I laughed my left boob off (gawd damn it! I can't afford to lose that, where is the stapler???).
Over inappropriate content. Go watch, much funny. Thanks Edana, I laughed my left boob off (gawd damn it! I can't afford to lose that, where is the stapler???).
Things To Ponder
How does one tell if the yogurt is bad? I mean other than if it has fuzz growing on it. Even 'Fresh' yogurt has an odd smell and a odd taste. My inability to tell or to discern if it actually tasted off or was just my imaginination resulted in me having toast and grapes for breakfast instead of yogurt and grapes.
If a lesbian is a woman who likes having sex with women and I like having sex with myself (albeit with BOB's help) and I'm a woman does that make me a lesbian or a narcisistic? Should I change my dateing profile?
So is it brave or stupidly desperate of a man to e-mail me after almost 2 years when our last *ahem* meeting ended with him 'reaching the finish line' well before he reached the starting positon, and for him to admit his failure to contact me was due to his debilitating embarasment of his rather 'quick trigger'? I'm considering e-mailing him back with information on 'premature ejaculation' and the name of a good therapist to help him with his embarassment or just DELETING the message, rolling my eyes up in my head and blogging about what a sad little man he is. Oh.. wait, I just did that didn't I??
Do I really need to be RESCUED from dusting? I just saw an old Pledge commercial where they promise to 'rescue' me from dusting. Hmmm.. *looking around* looks like that's not a problem here.
Why doesn't Starbucks deliver?? Damn my sad existance!
WHY???
How does one tell if the yogurt is bad? I mean other than if it has fuzz growing on it. Even 'Fresh' yogurt has an odd smell and a odd taste. My inability to tell or to discern if it actually tasted off or was just my imaginination resulted in me having toast and grapes for breakfast instead of yogurt and grapes.
If a lesbian is a woman who likes having sex with women and I like having sex with myself (albeit with BOB's help) and I'm a woman does that make me a lesbian or a narcisistic? Should I change my dateing profile?
So is it brave or stupidly desperate of a man to e-mail me after almost 2 years when our last *ahem* meeting ended with him 'reaching the finish line' well before he reached the starting positon, and for him to admit his failure to contact me was due to his debilitating embarasment of his rather 'quick trigger'? I'm considering e-mailing him back with information on 'premature ejaculation' and the name of a good therapist to help him with his embarassment or just DELETING the message, rolling my eyes up in my head and blogging about what a sad little man he is. Oh.. wait, I just did that didn't I??
Do I really need to be RESCUED from dusting? I just saw an old Pledge commercial where they promise to 'rescue' me from dusting. Hmmm.. *looking around* looks like that's not a problem here.
Why doesn't Starbucks deliver?? Damn my sad existance!
WHY???
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
The Tooth Fairy Delivers (To Somepeople That Is)
Right before bed I typed up a reply from the Tooth Fairy:
7/26/2005
Dearest Super Girl;
Please accept these two shiny coins in exchange for your precious tooth!
Take good care of your teeth and brush them well!
Watch your mail for a Fairy letter.
Much Love,
Tooth Fairy
Much to my chagrin I only had dimes in my coin purse, not quarters as I had thought, so my darling child only got $.20 for her loss (aren't you glad I'm not your mamma). I left the envelope addressed to her right where she'd find it and headed to bed.
BRIGHT and early, Super Girl burst into my room saying "Mamma! Mamma! She left me two shiny coins!" Then like the sweet child she can be she said "Did she bring you a Starbucks card?" Nope, that did not happen. Oh well.
Right before bed I typed up a reply from the Tooth Fairy:
7/26/2005
Dearest Super Girl;
Please accept these two shiny coins in exchange for your precious tooth!
Take good care of your teeth and brush them well!
Watch your mail for a Fairy letter.
Much Love,
Tooth Fairy
Much to my chagrin I only had dimes in my coin purse, not quarters as I had thought, so my darling child only got $.20 for her loss (aren't you glad I'm not your mamma). I left the envelope addressed to her right where she'd find it and headed to bed.
BRIGHT and early, Super Girl burst into my room saying "Mamma! Mamma! She left me two shiny coins!" Then like the sweet child she can be she said "Did she bring you a Starbucks card?" Nope, that did not happen. Oh well.
Monday, July 25, 2005
Letters From The Edge
Last night Super Girl lost a tooth right before bed, we just finished writing a letter to the Tooth Fairy. I know, it's amazing that I'm doing this in a TIMELY manner this time.
July 25, 2005
Dearest Tooth Fairy in Tooth Fairy Land;
I would like to inform you of the loss of my most recent tooth. As you can clearly see I have taken very good care of this baby tooth (you can thank my mother for making certain that I brush on a regular schedule – even when my tooth was wiggly).
In exchange for my sparkling tooth (I had just finished brushing when my dearest mother yanked the wiggly beast from my gaping maw) I am requesting a gift card to Starbucks… no kidding, mom wrote that, I would like a couple of shiny coins and a Starbucks gift card (again mother said that). But a lovely card in the mail from a REAL FAIRY would be lovely and most appreciated.
Warmest regards and much affection;
Super Girl (your biggest fan)
PS – Any idea when the fairy eggs might hatch?
What? What's wrong with asking for a Starbucks card? I'm just being practical!
Last night Super Girl lost a tooth right before bed, we just finished writing a letter to the Tooth Fairy. I know, it's amazing that I'm doing this in a TIMELY manner this time.
July 25, 2005
Dearest Tooth Fairy in Tooth Fairy Land;
I would like to inform you of the loss of my most recent tooth. As you can clearly see I have taken very good care of this baby tooth (you can thank my mother for making certain that I brush on a regular schedule – even when my tooth was wiggly).
In exchange for my sparkling tooth (I had just finished brushing when my dearest mother yanked the wiggly beast from my gaping maw) I am requesting a gift card to Starbucks… no kidding, mom wrote that, I would like a couple of shiny coins and a Starbucks gift card (again mother said that). But a lovely card in the mail from a REAL FAIRY would be lovely and most appreciated.
Warmest regards and much affection;
Super Girl (your biggest fan)
PS – Any idea when the fairy eggs might hatch?
What? What's wrong with asking for a Starbucks card? I'm just being practical!
Professional Discourteousness
Why is it that some people feel that they can be rude to those they feel have menial jobs? This is something I run into occasionally. Case in point, yesterday I walked into a room to do photos of the couple's newest bundle of joy. In the room were visitors, two couples, one with their two rambunctious boys and one with out children (more on the moronic visitors later). As I set up I could hear one of the women in the room talking to the mother about how these baby photos are just so awful and the mother agreed and said something about how you still just have to get them just because. Now firstly, I absolutely hate when people say that. I have been a baby photographer for 4 years and I take care to take good photos (even of the ugly babies). Secondly, how can you be sure something is 'BAD' until you actually see it? When I actually started taking the photos the other idiot woman.... I mean visitor had to stand at the end of my cart and make annoying noises at the baby thereby distracting the baby and making it harder for me to get a good photo - but I did get a good photo. Also she had BAD breath and since she was standing so close, I got assaulted by her halitosis. ICK. Fuck she needed a Tic-Tac and to back the fuck away. When I got finished with the photos and showed them to EVERYONE, I (mentally) punched the fuck out of Mrs. Bad Breath as she GASPED and said "Oh! Those are really good!" I looked right at her, giving her the politest "Go Fuck Your Self!" look and said "Of course they are, I'm a professional photographer." She slunk away and hid in the corner as I finished the transaction with the parents (who for some jacked up reason were also in a state of shock at how the photos were so GOOD).
The moronic visitors did something that made me want to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. They were basically using this baby as a prop for their photos! Mrs. Moron was holding the baby for Mr. Moron to take a photo, then she had her kids come sit with her while she held the baby, then Mrs. Halitosis and Mr. This-Is-A-Good-Place-For-A-Stick-Up, then all fo them, then the parents, etc., etc., etc. I hated them all and I didn't even know them. I felt the urge to give the Moron Children a number for some kind of support group because I'm sure they will need it at some point, but I refrained as the sale wasn't THAT good. Then I left while mutter ancient voodoo curses in my head.
Another dad chapped my ass enough to make me want to leave and say fuck it to the sale. Lucky for him, he realized it and got nice really quick. He was bitching about all the information I was getting from him (we mail the photos, so it's necessary to get mailing address and name, duh) and complaining about how many companies put you on mailing lists, blah, blah, blah, as he complained about the info I was asking for. I cut him off with a curt "Well this is my job ya know." Before I could add "If you don't want to give me the information, you don't have to get the photos done. Have a nice day.", he looked shocked and embarrassed then patted me on the shoulder and blurted out some kind of apology and babbled on about how sad that society has come to this where we have to be so paranoid about the information we give out. Whatever dude, you signed at least 20 different consent forms at the hospital giving permission for your information to be given out, I'm the LEAST of your worries... And yes he did sign a consent and set up an appointment for me to be in the room.
Okay enough bitching about work, it was a really good weekend and there is more to tell. A tragic and sad story about someone I ran into this weekend and my trip to the club - that ROCKED!!!
Why is it that some people feel that they can be rude to those they feel have menial jobs? This is something I run into occasionally. Case in point, yesterday I walked into a room to do photos of the couple's newest bundle of joy. In the room were visitors, two couples, one with their two rambunctious boys and one with out children (more on the moronic visitors later). As I set up I could hear one of the women in the room talking to the mother about how these baby photos are just so awful and the mother agreed and said something about how you still just have to get them just because. Now firstly, I absolutely hate when people say that. I have been a baby photographer for 4 years and I take care to take good photos (even of the ugly babies). Secondly, how can you be sure something is 'BAD' until you actually see it? When I actually started taking the photos the other idiot woman.... I mean visitor had to stand at the end of my cart and make annoying noises at the baby thereby distracting the baby and making it harder for me to get a good photo - but I did get a good photo. Also she had BAD breath and since she was standing so close, I got assaulted by her halitosis. ICK. Fuck she needed a Tic-Tac and to back the fuck away. When I got finished with the photos and showed them to EVERYONE, I (mentally) punched the fuck out of Mrs. Bad Breath as she GASPED and said "Oh! Those are really good!" I looked right at her, giving her the politest "Go Fuck Your Self!" look and said "Of course they are, I'm a professional photographer." She slunk away and hid in the corner as I finished the transaction with the parents (who for some jacked up reason were also in a state of shock at how the photos were so GOOD).
The moronic visitors did something that made me want to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. They were basically using this baby as a prop for their photos! Mrs. Moron was holding the baby for Mr. Moron to take a photo, then she had her kids come sit with her while she held the baby, then Mrs. Halitosis and Mr. This-Is-A-Good-Place-For-A-Stick-Up, then all fo them, then the parents, etc., etc., etc. I hated them all and I didn't even know them. I felt the urge to give the Moron Children a number for some kind of support group because I'm sure they will need it at some point, but I refrained as the sale wasn't THAT good. Then I left while mutter ancient voodoo curses in my head.
Another dad chapped my ass enough to make me want to leave and say fuck it to the sale. Lucky for him, he realized it and got nice really quick. He was bitching about all the information I was getting from him (we mail the photos, so it's necessary to get mailing address and name, duh) and complaining about how many companies put you on mailing lists, blah, blah, blah, as he complained about the info I was asking for. I cut him off with a curt "Well this is my job ya know." Before I could add "If you don't want to give me the information, you don't have to get the photos done. Have a nice day.", he looked shocked and embarrassed then patted me on the shoulder and blurted out some kind of apology and babbled on about how sad that society has come to this where we have to be so paranoid about the information we give out. Whatever dude, you signed at least 20 different consent forms at the hospital giving permission for your information to be given out, I'm the LEAST of your worries... And yes he did sign a consent and set up an appointment for me to be in the room.
Okay enough bitching about work, it was a really good weekend and there is more to tell. A tragic and sad story about someone I ran into this weekend and my trip to the club - that ROCKED!!!
Friday, July 22, 2005
And Now For Something Different...
In the event you are tired of hearing aobut ME, ME, ME! Go to Amy's Diary, you'll laugh, you'll cry, you... well you should enjoy it (it's funny).
Better yet, go watch the bunnies.
In the event you are tired of hearing aobut ME, ME, ME! Go to Amy's Diary, you'll laugh, you'll cry, you... well you should enjoy it (it's funny).
Better yet, go watch the bunnies.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Make Room In the Parthenon! There's A NEW Goddess In Town!
Today has been all about JUDY DAY. I've had no less than 7 separate men either e-mailing or message me to hit on me today (not it wasn't all generated by that one photo).
This is my favorite e-mail:
hi what can i do.....................? what can i say..............? when i saw your magical angel face & diamond eyes .................i feel to fly ..............over the sky ................can i have your honor to fly at your sky nice lady...............
Foreign guys can come up with the BEST lines!
My favorite comment today:
Damn you got a geek goddess look. Damn your a hottie.
That's me, a Geek Goddess just waiting to be worshipped.
Yeah, I'm a little full of myself right now. It's okay, Karma has already set in motion to make certain that my head doesn't get any larger - I've got a giant ZIT coming up right in the middle of my forehead. The North Star!
Today has been all about JUDY DAY. I've had no less than 7 separate men either e-mailing or message me to hit on me today (not it wasn't all generated by that one photo).
This is my favorite e-mail:
hi what can i do.....................? what can i say..............? when i saw your magical angel face & diamond eyes .................i feel to fly ..............over the sky ................can i have your honor to fly at your sky nice lady...............
Foreign guys can come up with the BEST lines!
My favorite comment today:
Damn you got a geek goddess look. Damn your a hottie.
That's me, a Geek Goddess just waiting to be worshipped.
Yeah, I'm a little full of myself right now. It's okay, Karma has already set in motion to make certain that my head doesn't get any larger - I've got a giant ZIT coming up right in the middle of my forehead. The North Star!
Simply irresistible
The above photo prompted a man to send me an e-mail complimenting my breasts and expounding on his intents were I to be so taken by his sparkling personally and intelligence that shown through so very well in his written word. I'll copy and paste the aforementioned prose in a bit.
The photo above is probably one of my favorites (taken by Lerxst) because it's FUCKING FABULOUS! Thank the heavens above for a good bodice laced tight enough to GIVE ME GOOD BOOBAGE! I don't REALLY look like THAT. Check below for what I REALLY look like.
Dork
On any given day, the above DORK photo is what I will look like (probably even in that shirt). The boobs are well, not quiet so impressive. It's okay, it's fine... Occasionally I have the thought that it would be fantastic to wear a bodice ALL the time and look THAT good, but then reality strikes. It would be very good for dieting as it's almost impossible to eat more than 3 bites when laced up really well. Impractical for most things. It would be bothersome to have strangers in the grocery store offering to lick samples off my boobs and might even frighten my children. It might give me an advantage if stopped for speeding, but is somewhat uncomfortable to drive in. So a Dork I shall remain for everyday life and save the bodice enhanced breasts for special times.
So... Back to my fan mail. It arrived with the subject 'love those booooobss!!!' and went on to say:
you can have those delicious looking breast licked nad sucked until they sweel in my mouth along with your clitty getting licked and sucked until you cream and cummm all down my throat mommie!!!,,then you can get my thick fat hard strong 7 inch brownsuga dick to wlr your pink poopop ccocohie walls nice nad sloww as we make sweet romantic luvin...
As you can read, he's obviously an intellect with impeccable grammar and spelling. Only a truly creative mind could come up with "you can get my thick fat hard strong 7 inch brownsuga dick to wlr your pink poopop ccocohie walls nice nad sloww". Unfortunately I'm not entirely sure what he's planning to do with my "pink poopop ccocohie walls nice nad sloww" as I don't have a reference for "wlr" and have no clue what it could mean and how it could have anything to do with making "sweet romantic luvin". (to be honest he kind of lost me on the 'romantic luvin' when he called me 'mommie' and mentioned 'wlr'ing my 'pink poopop ccocohie walls' - none of the walls in my home are pink!)
I considered writing him back:
Dear Sir;
I'm deeply touched by your communication, I truly mean that, deeply touched... And not in a good way. Your confusing and badly spelled attempt at an erotic message has troubled me and disturbed me enough to need extra anti-psychotic medication. First off calling me 'mommie' is troubling, I find men who want to 'play baby' a turn off. Secondly your "thick fat hard strong 7 inch brownsuga dick", just won't do as I only consume Splenda, no sugar for me. Next what is 'wlr'? Is it legal? Would it hurt? Does it require tools? And why do you want to do it to my walls? Which I must add none of my walls are 'pink poopop ccocohie', I don't think I've ever even seen that color. And why do you want to mess with the walls in my home while you 'make sweet romantic luvin'? Please explain.
Judy
The above photo prompted a man to send me an e-mail complimenting my breasts and expounding on his intents were I to be so taken by his sparkling personally and intelligence that shown through so very well in his written word. I'll copy and paste the aforementioned prose in a bit.
The photo above is probably one of my favorites (taken by Lerxst) because it's FUCKING FABULOUS! Thank the heavens above for a good bodice laced tight enough to GIVE ME GOOD BOOBAGE! I don't REALLY look like THAT. Check below for what I REALLY look like.
Dork
On any given day, the above DORK photo is what I will look like (probably even in that shirt). The boobs are well, not quiet so impressive. It's okay, it's fine... Occasionally I have the thought that it would be fantastic to wear a bodice ALL the time and look THAT good, but then reality strikes. It would be very good for dieting as it's almost impossible to eat more than 3 bites when laced up really well. Impractical for most things. It would be bothersome to have strangers in the grocery store offering to lick samples off my boobs and might even frighten my children. It might give me an advantage if stopped for speeding, but is somewhat uncomfortable to drive in. So a Dork I shall remain for everyday life and save the bodice enhanced breasts for special times.
So... Back to my fan mail. It arrived with the subject 'love those booooobss!!!' and went on to say:
you can have those delicious looking breast licked nad sucked until they sweel in my mouth along with your clitty getting licked and sucked until you cream and cummm all down my throat mommie!!!,,then you can get my thick fat hard strong 7 inch brownsuga dick to wlr your pink poopop ccocohie walls nice nad sloww as we make sweet romantic luvin...
As you can read, he's obviously an intellect with impeccable grammar and spelling. Only a truly creative mind could come up with "you can get my thick fat hard strong 7 inch brownsuga dick to wlr your pink poopop ccocohie walls nice nad sloww". Unfortunately I'm not entirely sure what he's planning to do with my "pink poopop ccocohie walls nice nad sloww" as I don't have a reference for "wlr" and have no clue what it could mean and how it could have anything to do with making "sweet romantic luvin". (to be honest he kind of lost me on the 'romantic luvin' when he called me 'mommie' and mentioned 'wlr'ing my 'pink poopop ccocohie walls' - none of the walls in my home are pink!)
I considered writing him back:
Dear Sir;
I'm deeply touched by your communication, I truly mean that, deeply touched... And not in a good way. Your confusing and badly spelled attempt at an erotic message has troubled me and disturbed me enough to need extra anti-psychotic medication. First off calling me 'mommie' is troubling, I find men who want to 'play baby' a turn off. Secondly your "thick fat hard strong 7 inch brownsuga dick", just won't do as I only consume Splenda, no sugar for me. Next what is 'wlr'? Is it legal? Would it hurt? Does it require tools? And why do you want to do it to my walls? Which I must add none of my walls are 'pink poopop ccocohie', I don't think I've ever even seen that color. And why do you want to mess with the walls in my home while you 'make sweet romantic luvin'? Please explain.
Judy
I would send that... But I'm quite certain that the sarcasm would be lost on my intellectually gifted and creative fan.
*Update*
Apparently that photo only attracts men who have difficulty with grammar and spelling, I just received yet another piece of fan mail and it was woefully misspelled and painfully badly written. The crime of stupidity is one I simply can not forgive. Bitchy? Why yes I am.
*Later Update*
The count is up to THREE now. This time he's ARTICULATE and can SPELL.
What the hell is up today? Am I MAN NIP today? *thinks to self 'I better go knock on the door of Mansicle Neighbor and hope his wife isn't home!'
*Much Later Update*
The best line in a message so far: very nice smile and yes very nice rack. I'm sorry just have to give credit, ya know. Yeah, I'm totally eating it up. I must thank Lerxst for taking the extremely RARE and AMAZING photo of me looking so damn HOT.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Dear Gawd! I'm Such A 'Tard!
I've been panicking for the past 20 minutes because my iron which I had dropped on the floor right before plugging in was NOT getting hot. After all this time of thinking I BROKE it, I finally checked the cord... which... wasn't plugged in. Apparently I had plugged in the PENCIL SHARPENER. Doh!
I've been panicking for the past 20 minutes because my iron which I had dropped on the floor right before plugging in was NOT getting hot. After all this time of thinking I BROKE it, I finally checked the cord... which... wasn't plugged in. Apparently I had plugged in the PENCIL SHARPENER. Doh!
Renewed False Hope
So in my effort to bolster my mood and I did as I stated yesterday and I've read my horoscope. As I want to make sure that all my bases are covered, I've consulted several online horoscopes for second, third, fourth, fifth, etc. opinions. Read below.
Leo
Daily extended (by Astrology.com)
You've got a lot to look forward to, especially now. Business looks good, your relationships with your coworkers couldn't be any better, and you're about to find a way to make a pleasurable hobby turn into cash -- cash you didn't feel like you were working to earn. In short, life is good and getting better, and you have no complaints. How about sharing all those good feelings with someone who deserves them just as richly?
(business? you mean my SEWING or my photography? Hobby... now that's where I'm confused, I can't think of any of my hobbies that anyone would WANT to pay me for... 'cept maybe that one that involves BOB... hmmm... I'll get back to you on that one.)
Now here's from TheFutureMinds.com
Here is your forecast for Wednesday Jul 20, 2005.
Personal forecast
Deep satisfaction comes from knowing what you want and persevering until the goal is achieved. Your power is more accessible now, and through its proper application, a favorable outcome occurs. While sometimes you manipulate a situation to get the result you desire, you also can attain it through willpower. Stronger than usual, you show resolve. Use this time to revitalize what is languishing in your life or to release what already is finished. It is an opportunity to eliminate the nonessential and the outdated.
(There is actually 3 different horoscopes for today for Leo, but hell I don't have the patience for all three! So let's see... 'my power' probably means COFFEE and being more accessible means that I'll be chuging some serious amounts today. Sweet!)
From Keen.com;
Your Wednesday Horoscope Judy!
You will want some time alone with the one you love today. If you are currently single, beat the doldrums by being spontaneous for once in your life and calling a friend for an impromptu rendezvous.
(Utter BULLSHIT.)
From Starlightastrology.com
Someone you work with may be withholding valuable information. Problems with in-laws may cause friction in your personal relationship. You mustn't take on other people's responsibilities or you may find yourself irritable and exhausted.
(Shit I'm already irritable and exhausted.)
From Jonathan Cainer:
You have the ability to be exceedingly pleasant. When you are in the right mood, you can charm the birds from the trees. The trouble is, you don't always remember to act this way. Nor do you notice that you have turned your 'niceness switch' to the off position. You assume it is still on. And then, you become surprised to realise that you have offended or upset someone. Now, there is a chance to recognise and repair the damage that has lately been inadvertently done. There's also a chance to make some very wise, important decisions.
(What, are you saying I'm a bitch?)
From Tarot.com
Judy's Horoscope:
It's difficult to tell if you are very close to a wonderful experience or if you have just missed your chance. On one hand, the energy feels as if it's in decline. On the other hand, you can see the bright lights on the horizon and you know something's coming up. Don't change directions now; just keep moving as steadily as you can toward the light.
(Am I dead now? Go toward the light! Fuck it's probably just a truck headed for me.)
And finally from ivillage
Your career path will soon become extremely easy to navigate, but it wouldn't hurt to make some plans right now. You can manage some key moves that will get you where you want to be in record time
(you mean I'll get that zipper in right?? Fuck I hope so!)
In conculsion I have no idea how my day is supposed to turn out, could be REALLY good, or it could just suck.
Any one want to give it a shot as to what YOU think my horoscope is for today. Be creative.
So in my effort to bolster my mood and I did as I stated yesterday and I've read my horoscope. As I want to make sure that all my bases are covered, I've consulted several online horoscopes for second, third, fourth, fifth, etc. opinions. Read below.
Leo
Daily extended (by Astrology.com)
You've got a lot to look forward to, especially now. Business looks good, your relationships with your coworkers couldn't be any better, and you're about to find a way to make a pleasurable hobby turn into cash -- cash you didn't feel like you were working to earn. In short, life is good and getting better, and you have no complaints. How about sharing all those good feelings with someone who deserves them just as richly?
(business? you mean my SEWING or my photography? Hobby... now that's where I'm confused, I can't think of any of my hobbies that anyone would WANT to pay me for... 'cept maybe that one that involves BOB... hmmm... I'll get back to you on that one.)
Now here's from TheFutureMinds.com
Here is your forecast for Wednesday Jul 20, 2005.
Personal forecast
Deep satisfaction comes from knowing what you want and persevering until the goal is achieved. Your power is more accessible now, and through its proper application, a favorable outcome occurs. While sometimes you manipulate a situation to get the result you desire, you also can attain it through willpower. Stronger than usual, you show resolve. Use this time to revitalize what is languishing in your life or to release what already is finished. It is an opportunity to eliminate the nonessential and the outdated.
(There is actually 3 different horoscopes for today for Leo, but hell I don't have the patience for all three! So let's see... 'my power' probably means COFFEE and being more accessible means that I'll be chuging some serious amounts today. Sweet!)
From Keen.com;
Your Wednesday Horoscope Judy!
You will want some time alone with the one you love today. If you are currently single, beat the doldrums by being spontaneous for once in your life and calling a friend for an impromptu rendezvous.
(Utter BULLSHIT.)
From Starlightastrology.com
Someone you work with may be withholding valuable information. Problems with in-laws may cause friction in your personal relationship. You mustn't take on other people's responsibilities or you may find yourself irritable and exhausted.
(Shit I'm already irritable and exhausted.)
From Jonathan Cainer:
You have the ability to be exceedingly pleasant. When you are in the right mood, you can charm the birds from the trees. The trouble is, you don't always remember to act this way. Nor do you notice that you have turned your 'niceness switch' to the off position. You assume it is still on. And then, you become surprised to realise that you have offended or upset someone. Now, there is a chance to recognise and repair the damage that has lately been inadvertently done. There's also a chance to make some very wise, important decisions.
(What, are you saying I'm a bitch?)
From Tarot.com
Judy's Horoscope:
It's difficult to tell if you are very close to a wonderful experience or if you have just missed your chance. On one hand, the energy feels as if it's in decline. On the other hand, you can see the bright lights on the horizon and you know something's coming up. Don't change directions now; just keep moving as steadily as you can toward the light.
(Am I dead now? Go toward the light! Fuck it's probably just a truck headed for me.)
And finally from ivillage
Your career path will soon become extremely easy to navigate, but it wouldn't hurt to make some plans right now. You can manage some key moves that will get you where you want to be in record time
(you mean I'll get that zipper in right?? Fuck I hope so!)
In conculsion I have no idea how my day is supposed to turn out, could be REALLY good, or it could just suck.
Any one want to give it a shot as to what YOU think my horoscope is for today. Be creative.
Janis Days
I've probably been listening to way too much Janis Joplin recently. I was considering taking that CD out of the car so I'd stop listening to it, but I think I'll leave it be for a couple of more weeks. I'm kind of in a funk at the moment. *sigh* Stress sucks. I think I'm thankful that my only addiction is coffee. Anyway, I'm not going to bore you with any of the pathetic details of my funk, but I will enlighten you to the lyrics of one of the songs I keep playing OVER AND OVER AND OVER again (now aren't you glad you don't ride in my car with me, not only would you have the superb opportunity to hear this song several times, but you'd be able to hear ME sing it LOUDLY and that my friends would cause permant insanity and probably temporary hearing damage).
JANIS JOPLIN lyrics - "Piece Of My Heart"
Oh, come on, come on, come on, come on!
Didn't I make you feel like you were the only man — yeah!
An' didn't I give you nearly everything that a woman possibly can ?
Honey, you know I did!
And each time I tell myself that I, well I think I've had enough,
But I'm gonna show you, baby, that a woman can be tough.
I want you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,
Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby!
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, oh, have a!
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,
You know you got it if it makes you feel good,
Oh, yes indeed.
You're out on the streets looking good,
And baby deep down in your heart I guess you know that it ain't right,
Never, never, never, never, never, never hear me when I cry at night,
Babe, and I cry all the time!
But each time I tell myself that I, well I can't stand the pain,
But when you hold me in your arms, I'll sing it once again.
I'll say come on, come on, come on, come on and take it!
Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby.
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah,
Oh, oh, have a!
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,
You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good.
I need you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,
Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby!
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart, now darling, yeah, c'mon now.
Oh, oh, have a
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby.
You know you got it — whoahhhhh!!
Take it!
Take it! Take another little piece of my heart now, baby,
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart, now darling, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Oh, oh, have a
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby, hey,
You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good.
I've probably been listening to way too much Janis Joplin recently. I was considering taking that CD out of the car so I'd stop listening to it, but I think I'll leave it be for a couple of more weeks. I'm kind of in a funk at the moment. *sigh* Stress sucks. I think I'm thankful that my only addiction is coffee. Anyway, I'm not going to bore you with any of the pathetic details of my funk, but I will enlighten you to the lyrics of one of the songs I keep playing OVER AND OVER AND OVER again (now aren't you glad you don't ride in my car with me, not only would you have the superb opportunity to hear this song several times, but you'd be able to hear ME sing it LOUDLY and that my friends would cause permant insanity and probably temporary hearing damage).
JANIS JOPLIN lyrics - "Piece Of My Heart"
Oh, come on, come on, come on, come on!
Didn't I make you feel like you were the only man — yeah!
An' didn't I give you nearly everything that a woman possibly can ?
Honey, you know I did!
And each time I tell myself that I, well I think I've had enough,
But I'm gonna show you, baby, that a woman can be tough.
I want you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,
Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby!
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, oh, have a!
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,
You know you got it if it makes you feel good,
Oh, yes indeed.
You're out on the streets looking good,
And baby deep down in your heart I guess you know that it ain't right,
Never, never, never, never, never, never hear me when I cry at night,
Babe, and I cry all the time!
But each time I tell myself that I, well I can't stand the pain,
But when you hold me in your arms, I'll sing it once again.
I'll say come on, come on, come on, come on and take it!
Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby.
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah,
Oh, oh, have a!
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,
You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good.
I need you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,
Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby!
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart, now darling, yeah, c'mon now.
Oh, oh, have a
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby.
You know you got it — whoahhhhh!!
Take it!
Take it! Take another little piece of my heart now, baby,
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart, now darling, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Oh, oh, have a
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby, hey,
You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Giving Thanks
I'm feeling thankful suddenly.
I'm thankful for the Little People visiting grandma. (it makes getting a piece of ass that much eaiser... er.. I mean finishing things uninterupted)
I'm thankful for who ever invented INSTANT PUDDING!! Gawd damn! Who can't appreciate pudding that's ready in 5 freaking minutes??? (and the lemon is delightful, it tastes just like the iced lemon pound cake from Starbucks)
I'm thankful for this damn computer! Yeehaw! I'd have to acutally go out and BUY my porn otherwise. (kidding! kidding!)
I'm thankful for rechargable batteries. Oh stop that be-otch! I'm talking about for my camera! Filthy mind.
I'm thankful that cats can't actually talk. I'd hate to hear what they'd say! "Ya know, the other day when I was licking my butt..." Yeah, I don't think so.
I'm thankful for hot Massage Therapist who are great with their hands and fabulous in bed.
I'm thankful for smart men who are great to talk to and think I'm HOT. (insane obviously)
I'm thankful for hot coffee.
Well, that's about it. I think I'm done with all this thankful stuff... my pudding is done now. Back to being ungrateful and sewing.
I'm feeling thankful suddenly.
I'm thankful for the Little People visiting grandma. (it makes getting a piece of ass that much eaiser... er.. I mean finishing things uninterupted)
I'm thankful for who ever invented INSTANT PUDDING!! Gawd damn! Who can't appreciate pudding that's ready in 5 freaking minutes??? (and the lemon is delightful, it tastes just like the iced lemon pound cake from Starbucks)
I'm thankful for this damn computer! Yeehaw! I'd have to acutally go out and BUY my porn otherwise. (kidding! kidding!)
I'm thankful for rechargable batteries. Oh stop that be-otch! I'm talking about for my camera! Filthy mind.
I'm thankful that cats can't actually talk. I'd hate to hear what they'd say! "Ya know, the other day when I was licking my butt..." Yeah, I don't think so.
I'm thankful for hot Massage Therapist who are great with their hands and fabulous in bed.
I'm thankful for smart men who are great to talk to and think I'm HOT. (insane obviously)
I'm thankful for hot coffee.
Well, that's about it. I think I'm done with all this thankful stuff... my pudding is done now. Back to being ungrateful and sewing.
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