It’s Only January And I’m Out Of The Running
Yes, it’s true. I’ve already lost my nomination for Mother Of The Year, but on a ‘brighter’ note, I would bet I’m well on my way to being in the top ten for Worst Mother Of The Year, or so my progeny would say. No matter, I won’t go down alone on this one, I will drag K down into the depths of parental mediocrity with me whether he wants to go or not.
After spending all day long lounging on the couch eating bon bon’s (read: laying on the couch in a semi-conscious fever induced delirium) while Cabbage Patch occupied herself with educational toys and videos (read: while Cabbage Patch reenacted various scenes from Lord Of The Rings using candle holders, Barbie’s, dog toys and a quaint doll house while viewing various obnoxious Disney DVD’s for the 500th time), I discovered that I would have the joy and pleasure of taking care of the children while K attends a political meeting (read: was shocked to be reminded that K would actually leave me alone with our offspring in my state of ill health, even though he had reminded me of his obligations prior to the 10 minutes before he left when he reminded my poor cold medicine addled brain yet again). That would mean that I would need to make DINNER for my delicate little flowers and myself (read: make some fabulous and yummy creation that would be viewed with disdain and ridicule from the Tiny Terrorists who would then proclaim it POISON). I felt a wave of euphoria as I made dinner (read: I felt dizzy from the fever as I made stew).
After a delightful dinner was enjoyed by all (all as in me and only me as the Tiny Terrorists opted instead to eat apples for dinner), it was time for educational pursuits (homework and whining)! That was lovely, truly (yeah, if you find reading two pages of Puss in Boots and listening to a 6 year old whine about writing sentences lovely). Then it was of the hour that I have looked forward to since 6:30 am this morning (it’s true) – BED TIME for the Little People! Woohoo! And this my friend is where I lost all points in the Mother Of The Year thing, I sent my offspring off to bed without being tucked in. Yes I did, I am a HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE MONSTER! They weren’t even BAD, I was only thinking of my fever induced dizziness and the horrible wheezing caused by the nasty chest congestion and how it would be detrimental to my own health as well as their mental health if I were to pass out at the top of the stairs and fall down them with the offspring there to witness. Despite my reasoning with the progeny that “Mommy is sick, go to bed now.” I was still met with tears which filled me with the utmost in maternal guilt. Or maybe that was just the fever dementia and cold/flu medicine hallucinations… Ah well, maybe tomorrow I will be miraculously cured of this malady and be back to reading the offspring prose from Shakespeare and Dickens right before explaining the theory of relativity using visual models made from tooth picks and cheese cubes. Yeah… Right… Let’s just pray that the DVD player and the VCR don’t break. ;)
PS I'm still suffering on a slow ass dial up connection, so that means that when I'm not in a cold medicine and fever induced delium, I am tieing up my land line. If you need to call me, call my cell number, if you don't know that... well... ask or just leave a message on my voice mail, I'm sure eventually I WILL check that.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Tin Foil Hats And Hockey Games
Fuck I'm not dead people! Stop sending sympathy cards to my family. A few days offline and people think you are dead. I'm not, but I'm sometimes wishing I was. Damn this cold/flu/crap sucks. Except for the medicine, nothing like the cold/flu medicine halucinations. YEAH!
Last night thanks to D I had two primo seats to see the STARS play. After MANY calls I finally found someone who was more than excited to go to the game and sit in $100 seats with me. Yeah, really MANY calls. WTF? Whatever, the game was AWESOME. The Stars tied the game in the last 2 minutes and it went to over time then a shoot off. I took my Bitch Petey to the game and we had many laughs. Prior to getting to the game I convinced him to drive through a Starbucks for me. When the young guy asked if he could help us, Petey asked him if there were any HOT MEN there. The server paused then asked what he said in a very cautious tone. We were laughing hard by then - once again proving that he and I should not go out in public together.
Anyway, I'm dogsitting Coco the wonder dog again. She seems to have given up her crack habbit and has been the totally adorable wonderful dog again... aside from the vomiting incident this morning on my carpet... but all is well.
My DSL has yet to be restored as I have yet to get the new modem due to illness and not just my own. Damn this alien cold/flu/crap. Speaking of, I'm off to go try to convince my offspring that she needs to nap with me... the rest of the freaking day. Wish me luck.
Fuck I'm not dead people! Stop sending sympathy cards to my family. A few days offline and people think you are dead. I'm not, but I'm sometimes wishing I was. Damn this cold/flu/crap sucks. Except for the medicine, nothing like the cold/flu medicine halucinations. YEAH!
Last night thanks to D I had two primo seats to see the STARS play. After MANY calls I finally found someone who was more than excited to go to the game and sit in $100 seats with me. Yeah, really MANY calls. WTF? Whatever, the game was AWESOME. The Stars tied the game in the last 2 minutes and it went to over time then a shoot off. I took my Bitch Petey to the game and we had many laughs. Prior to getting to the game I convinced him to drive through a Starbucks for me. When the young guy asked if he could help us, Petey asked him if there were any HOT MEN there. The server paused then asked what he said in a very cautious tone. We were laughing hard by then - once again proving that he and I should not go out in public together.
Anyway, I'm dogsitting Coco the wonder dog again. She seems to have given up her crack habbit and has been the totally adorable wonderful dog again... aside from the vomiting incident this morning on my carpet... but all is well.
My DSL has yet to be restored as I have yet to get the new modem due to illness and not just my own. Damn this alien cold/flu/crap. Speaking of, I'm off to go try to convince my offspring that she needs to nap with me... the rest of the freaking day. Wish me luck.
Monday, January 23, 2006
Karma Is A Bitch Sometimes.
My damn DSL modem got fried by lightening early Saturday morning. I didn’t realize it until late Sunday evening… after all the store that sell DSL modems had already closed. Of course that didn’t stop K and me from hopping in the car and searching for one anyway. Futile and frustrating trip that involved me calling someone and talking to their boyfriend about my predicament and having him search for online for an open store as I waited in the car for K to come out of the second store. We ultimately realized that it would be best just to go home and get something the next day. Well that and K reminded me that he could set up my lap top to connect via dial up. Ahhhh yes, my internet addiction would be fed.
But… Dial up sucks, especially when you’ve been on DSL.
Other random things…
I’ve been dog sitting for a couple of days. It’s my niece again, the cutest dog in the whole damn world, Coco. Remember how I talked about how a REALLY good dog she was when I watched her for a week? And how well behaved she was and how sweet and all that happy crap? Well Coco has been acting like she’s been smoking crack! It’s insane. In the whole week that I watched her and left her alone in my home frequently, she never did anything bad. NEVER. D dropped her off Saturday night as I headed to the game and when I got home after 2 am on Sunday morning, I discovered that she had done a thorough inspection of my garbage. Sunday when I arrived home from work I discover that she had decided her garbage inspection duties weren’t over as she had dissected and scattered my bathroom garbage. EWWWWWW!!! Bathroom garbage is the WORST! Especially garbage from a woman’s bathroom… I won’t elaborate, I’m sure your mind is working overtime now and you have already gotten the horrific visual. So… Yeah, I wasn’t too thrilled about that. She and I had a few words about that… me saying “Ewwwww! Awww Coco! Yuck! No, no!” and her saying “Arf! Arf!” Other than that, she’s been her usual perfect doggy self.
Nothing says friendship like calling to tell someone about the really BAD porn you have figured out how to watch for free at the hotel you are staying at. Thanks Jovan, that was hilarious and frightening at the same time. Feel free to call me anytime.
Saturday night/Sunday morning must be FREAK Toll Booth worker night. I saw more freaks on the toll road than a carnival side show. My favorite was the very freaky one toothed man who decided to hit on me as he gave me my change. I suppose I could be flattered but I really was just creeped out and made me vow at that moment to get a toll tag.
Anyway, enough of this shit, I have a mountain of laundry to fold and a whole to do list of shit to get crossed off. Later beeotches!
My damn DSL modem got fried by lightening early Saturday morning. I didn’t realize it until late Sunday evening… after all the store that sell DSL modems had already closed. Of course that didn’t stop K and me from hopping in the car and searching for one anyway. Futile and frustrating trip that involved me calling someone and talking to their boyfriend about my predicament and having him search for online for an open store as I waited in the car for K to come out of the second store. We ultimately realized that it would be best just to go home and get something the next day. Well that and K reminded me that he could set up my lap top to connect via dial up. Ahhhh yes, my internet addiction would be fed.
But… Dial up sucks, especially when you’ve been on DSL.
Other random things…
I’ve been dog sitting for a couple of days. It’s my niece again, the cutest dog in the whole damn world, Coco. Remember how I talked about how a REALLY good dog she was when I watched her for a week? And how well behaved she was and how sweet and all that happy crap? Well Coco has been acting like she’s been smoking crack! It’s insane. In the whole week that I watched her and left her alone in my home frequently, she never did anything bad. NEVER. D dropped her off Saturday night as I headed to the game and when I got home after 2 am on Sunday morning, I discovered that she had done a thorough inspection of my garbage. Sunday when I arrived home from work I discover that she had decided her garbage inspection duties weren’t over as she had dissected and scattered my bathroom garbage. EWWWWWW!!! Bathroom garbage is the WORST! Especially garbage from a woman’s bathroom… I won’t elaborate, I’m sure your mind is working overtime now and you have already gotten the horrific visual. So… Yeah, I wasn’t too thrilled about that. She and I had a few words about that… me saying “Ewwwww! Awww Coco! Yuck! No, no!” and her saying “Arf! Arf!” Other than that, she’s been her usual perfect doggy self.
Nothing says friendship like calling to tell someone about the really BAD porn you have figured out how to watch for free at the hotel you are staying at. Thanks Jovan, that was hilarious and frightening at the same time. Feel free to call me anytime.
Saturday night/Sunday morning must be FREAK Toll Booth worker night. I saw more freaks on the toll road than a carnival side show. My favorite was the very freaky one toothed man who decided to hit on me as he gave me my change. I suppose I could be flattered but I really was just creeped out and made me vow at that moment to get a toll tag.
Anyway, enough of this shit, I have a mountain of laundry to fold and a whole to do list of shit to get crossed off. Later beeotches!
Friday, January 20, 2006
Mentally Incontinent
I think I've mentioned before how toddlers are much like crazy street people. There are many, many similarities. Both have no problem wearing the same mismatched outfit for days or even weeks on end. Both tend to walk around having conversations with imaginary people. They both tend to say things that you can only half understand and best. Spontanious public nudity isn't a problem for either. There are more similarities, that's just a few.
My sweet Cabbage Patch just had her feet in a plastic orange Halloween Jack-o-lantern. When I looked at her and she fell over, she just laughed and said "Pumpkin patch!" to me. I had to fight the urge to smell her breath for booze, but I know there is none in the house and I doubt she'd be able to hide an empty 40 in her teddy bear.
Later that night at a Mexican food restaraunt the child who only eats macaroni and cheese or cheese ate refried beans of her own free will. Unbelieveable.
This fine Saturday morning I had planned to get to work a tad early so that I'd be sure to be done with all my work by 3 pm. My alarm went off at 6:15 am which I felt was way to early so I reset it for 7 am. Next thing I know my cat is in my face waking me up and it's 8 am! shit! I reset the alarm then turned it off. Damn it!
Oh well, I snatched a heft commission from the weekday photographer this morning as she had taken some shitty photos yesterday and told the parents that no one would be here today (can we say BITCH?). No matter, I took better photos and told them how to cancel the other order.
Off to work!
I think I've mentioned before how toddlers are much like crazy street people. There are many, many similarities. Both have no problem wearing the same mismatched outfit for days or even weeks on end. Both tend to walk around having conversations with imaginary people. They both tend to say things that you can only half understand and best. Spontanious public nudity isn't a problem for either. There are more similarities, that's just a few.
My sweet Cabbage Patch just had her feet in a plastic orange Halloween Jack-o-lantern. When I looked at her and she fell over, she just laughed and said "Pumpkin patch!" to me. I had to fight the urge to smell her breath for booze, but I know there is none in the house and I doubt she'd be able to hide an empty 40 in her teddy bear.
Later that night at a Mexican food restaraunt the child who only eats macaroni and cheese or cheese ate refried beans of her own free will. Unbelieveable.
This fine Saturday morning I had planned to get to work a tad early so that I'd be sure to be done with all my work by 3 pm. My alarm went off at 6:15 am which I felt was way to early so I reset it for 7 am. Next thing I know my cat is in my face waking me up and it's 8 am! shit! I reset the alarm then turned it off. Damn it!
Oh well, I snatched a heft commission from the weekday photographer this morning as she had taken some shitty photos yesterday and told the parents that no one would be here today (can we say BITCH?). No matter, I took better photos and told them how to cancel the other order.
Off to work!
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Oh The Crazy Things People Say... To Me
In a phone conversation:
Me: At least his cat loves me.
Her: My gay cat and my fat cat love you!
Me: Your fat cat loves me because she thinks I smell like food.
*silence*
Her: We are women, to cats we all smell like food!
Me: Awwww! That was soooooo bad!
*laughter*
On the computer:
Me: I just asked K if he a canibal for eating that potato.
her: hehehehehehehe
her: I don't feed my dogs hotdogs for that reason...just too weird
ME: hahahahahahahahaha
Her: What? It might hurt them psychologically ...it may look like a friend or family member
Me: *snort* hahahahahaha
Her: sheesh she laughs
Me: friend or family member
Her: well it could
Her: especially Oscar..he is red ya know.
See... it's not all me... the insanity is wide spread.
In a phone conversation:
Me: At least his cat loves me.
Her: My gay cat and my fat cat love you!
Me: Your fat cat loves me because she thinks I smell like food.
*silence*
Her: We are women, to cats we all smell like food!
Me: Awwww! That was soooooo bad!
*laughter*
On the computer:
Me: I just asked K if he a canibal for eating that potato.
her: hehehehehehehe
her: I don't feed my dogs hotdogs for that reason...just too weird
ME: hahahahahahahahaha
Her: What? It might hurt them psychologically ...it may look like a friend or family member
Me: *snort* hahahahahaha
Her: sheesh she laughs
Me: friend or family member
Her: well it could
Her: especially Oscar..he is red ya know.
See... it's not all me... the insanity is wide spread.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Life Lessons By Judy
Did you know that if you don't poke a hole in a potato before you place it in the oven to bake that it CAN explode rather messily all over the oven and leave a rather nasty mess resting against the heating element creating the need to clean the rarely ever cleaned oven? And that the SOUND of an exploding potato is one of those small noises that will make you say "Huh, did I just hear a pop from the oven? That couldn't have been the chicken." then go on about your business until you smell an odd burny smell eminating from the place that a delightful smell of baked chicken should be coming from and at that very moment you'll suddenly REALIZE that the odd POP you heard was probably the odd potato exploding. Yeah, I knew that too. Just thought I'd pass that little tidbit along before I clean out the charred pieces of potato from the oven.
Did you know that if you don't poke a hole in a potato before you place it in the oven to bake that it CAN explode rather messily all over the oven and leave a rather nasty mess resting against the heating element creating the need to clean the rarely ever cleaned oven? And that the SOUND of an exploding potato is one of those small noises that will make you say "Huh, did I just hear a pop from the oven? That couldn't have been the chicken." then go on about your business until you smell an odd burny smell eminating from the place that a delightful smell of baked chicken should be coming from and at that very moment you'll suddenly REALIZE that the odd POP you heard was probably the odd potato exploding. Yeah, I knew that too. Just thought I'd pass that little tidbit along before I clean out the charred pieces of potato from the oven.
Monday, January 16, 2006
BUSTED!
It's funny how early kids become SNEAKY. Cabbage Patch is 4 and was just asking for more macaroni and cheese for dinner. I asked her if she finished her green beans as her plate was empty but she generally won't eat anything that isn't macaroni and cheese or cheese. She gave me a big smile and said that she she had eaten the green beans so I gave her more macaroni and cheese then asked her where her fork was and looked in the sink to see if she put it in the sink and lo and behold what do you think I saw in the sink? No, not a hippopotomas, stay focused here... I saw her green beans. I wish I could have taken a photo of her face at that very moment, it was hilarious, that "Oh shit, I'm busted!" look. Needless to say, she got more green beans and I get a giggle every time I think of that look on her face.
*update* (because you know you haven't gotten nearly enough of my self indulgent monronic discussion of my progeny's eating habits)
Cabbage Patch will not actually put the green beans in her own mouth, she has decided that the only way she will eat them is if i put them on the fork and feed them to her like she's a damn 6 month old. It's not that she doesn't LIKE them (when Super Girl was little she would only not eat things that made her GAG and even when I MADE her take a bite she would GAG) she just won't be bothered to put them in her own mouth. Sheesh, is it too late for an abortion? Just kidding! just kidding! Really! But I have considered Ebay!
It's funny how early kids become SNEAKY. Cabbage Patch is 4 and was just asking for more macaroni and cheese for dinner. I asked her if she finished her green beans as her plate was empty but she generally won't eat anything that isn't macaroni and cheese or cheese. She gave me a big smile and said that she she had eaten the green beans so I gave her more macaroni and cheese then asked her where her fork was and looked in the sink to see if she put it in the sink and lo and behold what do you think I saw in the sink? No, not a hippopotomas, stay focused here... I saw her green beans. I wish I could have taken a photo of her face at that very moment, it was hilarious, that "Oh shit, I'm busted!" look. Needless to say, she got more green beans and I get a giggle every time I think of that look on her face.
*update* (because you know you haven't gotten nearly enough of my self indulgent monronic discussion of my progeny's eating habits)
Cabbage Patch will not actually put the green beans in her own mouth, she has decided that the only way she will eat them is if i put them on the fork and feed them to her like she's a damn 6 month old. It's not that she doesn't LIKE them (when Super Girl was little she would only not eat things that made her GAG and even when I MADE her take a bite she would GAG) she just won't be bothered to put them in her own mouth. Sheesh, is it too late for an abortion? Just kidding! just kidding! Really! But I have considered Ebay!
Quizes
Just filling space so sue me.
hehehe... firestorm.
I'm weird? ME? Go figure!
WOW! I'm so freaking surprised! Me an artist, who'd have thought?
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Just filling space so sue me.
| Your Brain's Pattern |
 Your mind is a firestorm - full of intensity and drama. Your thoughts may seem scattered to you most of the time... But they often seem strong and passionate to those around you. You are a natural influencer. The thoughts you share are very powerful and persuading. |
hehehe... firestorm.
| You Are 60% Weird |
 You're so weird, you think you're *totally* normal. Right? But you wig out even the biggest of circus freaks! |
I'm weird? ME? Go figure!
| You Should Get a MFA (Masters of Fine Arts) |
 You're a blooming artistic talent, even if you aren't quite convinced. You'd make an incredible artist, photographer, or film maker. |
WOW! I'm so freaking surprised! Me an artist, who'd have thought?
| You Are Chinese Food |
 Exotic yet ordinary. People think they've had enough of you, but they're back for more in an hour. |
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Now With Better Cell Signal AND More Toll Boths!
So have you missed me? Internet, I have missed you so dearly, it’s been sad. It’s not that I haven’t BEEN here staring at you and letting you suck me into your net that wastes all my time and sucks out my will to do anything other than just sit here and spend all of my time with you, but the truth is Internet, I have a fucking life and just haven’t had time for you. No really, it’s true. I’ve been busy Internet, I still LOVE you, I’m just BUSY. And about to get EVEN busier as I’m starting FAIRE sewing this week. WOOHOO! So yeah… if you are wanting to get me to be your bitch… er… sewing bitch that is, now is the time to get with me. E-mail me or call me or what the fuck ever.
Baby, What’s Yo Digits?
My cell is back up. I’m so pissed at myself at this moment because I actually MISSED my cell when it was down. Damn you D for getting me all hooked on the cell. I missed it most this weekend when I use it most. I didn’t have it to call anyone on Friday while driving to the club. AND most of all I didn’t have it to call people while driving between hospitals! DAMN! I’m sorry Jovan, I WOULD have called you to hear of your latest adventures (sorry I didn’t answer last night, I just didn’t hear it driving home, I had the music up to damn loud and was in a weird place in my head anyway, feel free to call again and we’ll discuss your most recent sleazy activities at great lengths), Gamer Boy, I would have called you too… probably woke you up, but whatever… and anyone else who’s phone number I have, I certainly would have called you on Saturday, BUT I couldn’t, I was cock blocked from my cell and I suffered from it. Fucking phone companies wanting their payments and shit. Fuckers! But I digress… the cell is live again, feel free to call me. ;)
Nail Polish Problems
Today is a holiday for Super Girl, gawd-help-me. These are days I want to call the city and ask just WHERE my tax dollars are going? Haven’t I had to pay school taxes since I moved here? How is my tax money going to a good education for my offspring if she’s home with me today? I mean, FUCK I know about the only thing this kid has learned today is that mommy is listening to some music that has the word BITCH in it and that mommy will throw away Pikachu if I fucking see it on the floor one more damn time. Anyway… again, I digress… I let the offspring take a bath so I can have just 20 freaking minutes of peace without having to hear them scream my name or me having to trip over the little yellow electric rat. While they bathe happily (read: splash around like maniacs until every square inch of bathroom floor is saturated with bathwater) I pick up my FAVORITE bottle of OPI red nail polish. Last week when my sister was over she tried to get it open but couldn’t, I had tried to get it open earlier that day and couldn’t either so I did a French manicure and just didn’t worry about it. Today I figured I’d see if I could get it open and I did, BUT… I broke the damn bottle! Yeah, I broke off the part with the threads. POP! It just broke off. I was just going to see if I COULD get it open, I wasn’t ready to paint my nails but at that moment, I realized that I’d have to paint them RIGHT THEN or risk the bottle getting nasty and dried out or worse having the tiny terrorist discover the state of it’s openness and using it to paint cryptic and evil runes of control on the kitchen cabinets. In between checking on the offspring in the bathwater and painting my nails, I managed to spill nail polish on my favorite leopard print night gown and on my hands. So much for the Tiny Terrorists making the messes. And at this very moment, my manicure looks like complete ass! So whatever. At least I wasn’t coloring my hair or something like that.
Toll Booth Boogie
I’ve been traveling the toll roads a lot lately and I’m SHOCKED and appalled at that. I’ve been spending enough in tolls lately that I could have had two tall Caramel Frappichinos from Starbucks this past weekend. Really! Can you believe that? My money going to pay tolls and not for overpriced coffee drinks. It’s cool though, so far it’s been worth it – I HAVE gotten coffee at my destination. But ya know, that just makes me think that maybe the toll authority needs to change how they do toll booths. They should do them like they do our sports and event arenas in the area, they should allow corporate sponsorship of toll booths. Krispe Kream could sponsor one, Starbucks another, Smirnoff Vodka the next set, Coke after that… And they could offer special toll tags that would charge you for a frappichino and a toll, a donut and a toll, a drink and a toll, you get the idea. I think I’d be less pissy driving the toll roads if I actually thought my money was going for something worthwhile – like coffee.
Well I need to go to the store with the Tiny Terrorists before they zip my cat up in a backpack again.
MORE later! I’ll tell you about the horrifying Snatchsquatch! Too much CAKE! And shopping in SEG’s closet.
So have you missed me? Internet, I have missed you so dearly, it’s been sad. It’s not that I haven’t BEEN here staring at you and letting you suck me into your net that wastes all my time and sucks out my will to do anything other than just sit here and spend all of my time with you, but the truth is Internet, I have a fucking life and just haven’t had time for you. No really, it’s true. I’ve been busy Internet, I still LOVE you, I’m just BUSY. And about to get EVEN busier as I’m starting FAIRE sewing this week. WOOHOO! So yeah… if you are wanting to get me to be your bitch… er… sewing bitch that is, now is the time to get with me. E-mail me or call me or what the fuck ever.
Baby, What’s Yo Digits?
My cell is back up. I’m so pissed at myself at this moment because I actually MISSED my cell when it was down. Damn you D for getting me all hooked on the cell. I missed it most this weekend when I use it most. I didn’t have it to call anyone on Friday while driving to the club. AND most of all I didn’t have it to call people while driving between hospitals! DAMN! I’m sorry Jovan, I WOULD have called you to hear of your latest adventures (sorry I didn’t answer last night, I just didn’t hear it driving home, I had the music up to damn loud and was in a weird place in my head anyway, feel free to call again and we’ll discuss your most recent sleazy activities at great lengths), Gamer Boy, I would have called you too… probably woke you up, but whatever… and anyone else who’s phone number I have, I certainly would have called you on Saturday, BUT I couldn’t, I was cock blocked from my cell and I suffered from it. Fucking phone companies wanting their payments and shit. Fuckers! But I digress… the cell is live again, feel free to call me. ;)
Nail Polish Problems
Today is a holiday for Super Girl, gawd-help-me. These are days I want to call the city and ask just WHERE my tax dollars are going? Haven’t I had to pay school taxes since I moved here? How is my tax money going to a good education for my offspring if she’s home with me today? I mean, FUCK I know about the only thing this kid has learned today is that mommy is listening to some music that has the word BITCH in it and that mommy will throw away Pikachu if I fucking see it on the floor one more damn time. Anyway… again, I digress… I let the offspring take a bath so I can have just 20 freaking minutes of peace without having to hear them scream my name or me having to trip over the little yellow electric rat. While they bathe happily (read: splash around like maniacs until every square inch of bathroom floor is saturated with bathwater) I pick up my FAVORITE bottle of OPI red nail polish. Last week when my sister was over she tried to get it open but couldn’t, I had tried to get it open earlier that day and couldn’t either so I did a French manicure and just didn’t worry about it. Today I figured I’d see if I could get it open and I did, BUT… I broke the damn bottle! Yeah, I broke off the part with the threads. POP! It just broke off. I was just going to see if I COULD get it open, I wasn’t ready to paint my nails but at that moment, I realized that I’d have to paint them RIGHT THEN or risk the bottle getting nasty and dried out or worse having the tiny terrorist discover the state of it’s openness and using it to paint cryptic and evil runes of control on the kitchen cabinets. In between checking on the offspring in the bathwater and painting my nails, I managed to spill nail polish on my favorite leopard print night gown and on my hands. So much for the Tiny Terrorists making the messes. And at this very moment, my manicure looks like complete ass! So whatever. At least I wasn’t coloring my hair or something like that.
Toll Booth Boogie
I’ve been traveling the toll roads a lot lately and I’m SHOCKED and appalled at that. I’ve been spending enough in tolls lately that I could have had two tall Caramel Frappichinos from Starbucks this past weekend. Really! Can you believe that? My money going to pay tolls and not for overpriced coffee drinks. It’s cool though, so far it’s been worth it – I HAVE gotten coffee at my destination. But ya know, that just makes me think that maybe the toll authority needs to change how they do toll booths. They should do them like they do our sports and event arenas in the area, they should allow corporate sponsorship of toll booths. Krispe Kream could sponsor one, Starbucks another, Smirnoff Vodka the next set, Coke after that… And they could offer special toll tags that would charge you for a frappichino and a toll, a donut and a toll, a drink and a toll, you get the idea. I think I’d be less pissy driving the toll roads if I actually thought my money was going for something worthwhile – like coffee.
Well I need to go to the store with the Tiny Terrorists before they zip my cat up in a backpack again.
MORE later! I’ll tell you about the horrifying Snatchsquatch! Too much CAKE! And shopping in SEG’s closet.
Monday, January 09, 2006
Gerbil’s Favorite Cereal
First I must apologize for my absence from the internet lately. It is not due to popular misconception that I’ve been in a special detox program for internet addiction, but due to circumstances beyond my control, as in things that are stupid and evil.
Enough of that, on to other things in random order.
So today I was sitting here on the sofa and out of the corner of my eye I see a little black rodent come out from under my cedar chest, stand up, look around then scamper back under. That would be MY very own cute little black rodent, Hanta Virus gerbil escape artist. Shit. Now I was going to have to catch my gerbil who was now exploring the great uncharted (by gerbil kind) territory of my living room. This is a place what with all the cereal, popcorn, raisins and other such food-ish items that have fallen in between the sofa cushions or have been hidden under the couches, etc. by the Little People that a gerbil could live for days if not weeks. EXCEPT for the CAT (I would say CATS but Dusty couldn’t catch a rodent if it walked up to her and had a heart attack right on her paws).
Yes the Mouser Extraordinaire who was snoozed right next to me on the couch as I spied the little escapee to my left. I realized I’d have to work quickly if I was going to catch the rodent before Sunshine woke up, so I (stupidly) enlisted the help of the Little People in catching Hanta. I dashed to the kitchen to get some bread to lure her out with and told the Little People to bang on the other end of the chest. This was just a comedy of errors. I had to continue to tell Cabbage Patch to bang on the OTHER end of the chest as she kept banging near where I was, and about the time she moved to the end I wanted banged on, Super Girl moved where she was. *sigh* I sat with a piece of bread on my hand and waited for Hanta to come get the snack. About the time she emerged both Little People saw her and lunged for her, causing her to dart back under the chest.
I took a deep breath and muttered many curse words then told the Little People to NOT move when and if she came out again. And when she did… they lunged again. *sigh* I no longer muttered my curse words and told them to GET AWAY!
I realized that Hanta wasn’t under the chest anymore and was now behind the sofa, so I sat down to consider my options. The little blighter peeked out of the right side of the sofa briefly. Damn her. This caused me to grab the sofa pillow that had fallen on the floor and throw it on the sofa… right on top of the sleeping cats… and to wake Sunshine The Magic Cat, AKA The Great Mouser. I suddenly realized the error of my pillow toss and hoped Hanta had some wild instincts that would tell her to keep under the sofa while deadly feline was AWAKE. That was a very brief hope as my gerbil peeked out again. Sunshine didn’t miss a thing and jumped down to play tag with my rodent, luckily I had anticipated that my gerbil was pretty stupid and that my cat was up for a game of smack the mousy and I managed to snag that cat by the scruff of her neck mid jump. That cat is 5 lbs of lean, toned, mouse killing muscle and I had a bitch of a time keeping a hold of her as I grabbed her lazy sister (no challenge catching her) and locked them both in my bedroom whilst I did my rodent wrangling.
After the aforementioned felines were sealed in my room for my rodent’s protection I resumed trying to find my gerbil. I knew she was at the other end of the couch now and started to look there.
Oh wait... I must back up for a moment. Prior to waking the cat I asked the Little People to go get a flash light since I didn’t know where they put the ones they were playing with recently. They both get up and go into my bedroom with Super Girl saying she knows where one is. A few minutes go by and I yell for them to HURRY UP and they say they are still looking. I finally go check out what the hell they are doing just in time to see them reach into my night stand drawer and pull something out that is buzzing. Yes, Super Girl was holding BOB and not just any BOB but BIG BOB who is purple! I yell at her to put that back and she looks at me with horror and confusion and asks “How do you make it stop?” *sigh* I told her to push the damn button and put it back. Now why does that always happen when someone is looking for a FLASHLIGHT?
Anyway, the gerbil finally came out from under the right side of the couch and went under the stool, where I cornered her… or so I thought, then under my computer... then around the corner into the kitchen and between the dishwasher. All thanks to two kids who don’t know the meaning of STAND STILL! Every time they saw Hanta they would squeal and lunge for her. I don’t blame her for running, my gerbils will come to my hands but they are leery of the offspring, but rightfully so – just last week Cabbage Patch DROPPED Hanta on the floor AND while I was cleaning out the cage she kept poking at Hanta until she finally got bitten on the finger. So yeah, if I was Hanta, there’s no way I’d trusts the Tiny Terrorist either.
Now Hanta had dashed in a small rodent sized opening next to the dishwasher and I had to get her out before my cats became EVIL and VENGEFUL and voluntarily hacked up something disgusting on my pillows. I went to the pantry for my secret weapon, Hanta’s favorite food – Kix cereal. The Little People were banished from the kitchen as I crouched on the floor with 4 pieces of cereal in my hand and shook the box. As if trained by Pavlov himself, my gerbil came right out. Mission accomplished, one sneaky little gerbil back in her cage. Upon inspection of the rodent penal colony I realized that I had left a part of the tubing open from when I cleaned the cage. DOH!
First I must apologize for my absence from the internet lately. It is not due to popular misconception that I’ve been in a special detox program for internet addiction, but due to circumstances beyond my control, as in things that are stupid and evil.
Enough of that, on to other things in random order.
So today I was sitting here on the sofa and out of the corner of my eye I see a little black rodent come out from under my cedar chest, stand up, look around then scamper back under. That would be MY very own cute little black rodent, Hanta Virus gerbil escape artist. Shit. Now I was going to have to catch my gerbil who was now exploring the great uncharted (by gerbil kind) territory of my living room. This is a place what with all the cereal, popcorn, raisins and other such food-ish items that have fallen in between the sofa cushions or have been hidden under the couches, etc. by the Little People that a gerbil could live for days if not weeks. EXCEPT for the CAT (I would say CATS but Dusty couldn’t catch a rodent if it walked up to her and had a heart attack right on her paws).
Yes the Mouser Extraordinaire who was snoozed right next to me on the couch as I spied the little escapee to my left. I realized I’d have to work quickly if I was going to catch the rodent before Sunshine woke up, so I (stupidly) enlisted the help of the Little People in catching Hanta. I dashed to the kitchen to get some bread to lure her out with and told the Little People to bang on the other end of the chest. This was just a comedy of errors. I had to continue to tell Cabbage Patch to bang on the OTHER end of the chest as she kept banging near where I was, and about the time she moved to the end I wanted banged on, Super Girl moved where she was. *sigh* I sat with a piece of bread on my hand and waited for Hanta to come get the snack. About the time she emerged both Little People saw her and lunged for her, causing her to dart back under the chest.
I took a deep breath and muttered many curse words then told the Little People to NOT move when and if she came out again. And when she did… they lunged again. *sigh* I no longer muttered my curse words and told them to GET AWAY!
I realized that Hanta wasn’t under the chest anymore and was now behind the sofa, so I sat down to consider my options. The little blighter peeked out of the right side of the sofa briefly. Damn her. This caused me to grab the sofa pillow that had fallen on the floor and throw it on the sofa… right on top of the sleeping cats… and to wake Sunshine The Magic Cat, AKA The Great Mouser. I suddenly realized the error of my pillow toss and hoped Hanta had some wild instincts that would tell her to keep under the sofa while deadly feline was AWAKE. That was a very brief hope as my gerbil peeked out again. Sunshine didn’t miss a thing and jumped down to play tag with my rodent, luckily I had anticipated that my gerbil was pretty stupid and that my cat was up for a game of smack the mousy and I managed to snag that cat by the scruff of her neck mid jump. That cat is 5 lbs of lean, toned, mouse killing muscle and I had a bitch of a time keeping a hold of her as I grabbed her lazy sister (no challenge catching her) and locked them both in my bedroom whilst I did my rodent wrangling.
After the aforementioned felines were sealed in my room for my rodent’s protection I resumed trying to find my gerbil. I knew she was at the other end of the couch now and started to look there.
Oh wait... I must back up for a moment. Prior to waking the cat I asked the Little People to go get a flash light since I didn’t know where they put the ones they were playing with recently. They both get up and go into my bedroom with Super Girl saying she knows where one is. A few minutes go by and I yell for them to HURRY UP and they say they are still looking. I finally go check out what the hell they are doing just in time to see them reach into my night stand drawer and pull something out that is buzzing. Yes, Super Girl was holding BOB and not just any BOB but BIG BOB who is purple! I yell at her to put that back and she looks at me with horror and confusion and asks “How do you make it stop?” *sigh* I told her to push the damn button and put it back. Now why does that always happen when someone is looking for a FLASHLIGHT?
Anyway, the gerbil finally came out from under the right side of the couch and went under the stool, where I cornered her… or so I thought, then under my computer... then around the corner into the kitchen and between the dishwasher. All thanks to two kids who don’t know the meaning of STAND STILL! Every time they saw Hanta they would squeal and lunge for her. I don’t blame her for running, my gerbils will come to my hands but they are leery of the offspring, but rightfully so – just last week Cabbage Patch DROPPED Hanta on the floor AND while I was cleaning out the cage she kept poking at Hanta until she finally got bitten on the finger. So yeah, if I was Hanta, there’s no way I’d trusts the Tiny Terrorist either.
Now Hanta had dashed in a small rodent sized opening next to the dishwasher and I had to get her out before my cats became EVIL and VENGEFUL and voluntarily hacked up something disgusting on my pillows. I went to the pantry for my secret weapon, Hanta’s favorite food – Kix cereal. The Little People were banished from the kitchen as I crouched on the floor with 4 pieces of cereal in my hand and shook the box. As if trained by Pavlov himself, my gerbil came right out. Mission accomplished, one sneaky little gerbil back in her cage. Upon inspection of the rodent penal colony I realized that I had left a part of the tubing open from when I cleaned the cage. DOH!
Monday, January 02, 2006
Bath Time, Chocolate Cupcakes and Things That Vibrate
I knew that would catch your attention. I just got out of the bath (well not just, it’s been almost 2 hours now), it was a delightful bath. Something I rarely do… the BATH thing, not bathe in general, asshat. I am really a shower girl with the occasional HOT SOAKING BATH thrown in. Today I used the fabulous green tea bath stuff given to me as a gift. Ahhhhh… and I took a bath BY MY SELF. Despite their absolute cuteness at that very moment of life, I did NOT let the offspring join my bath thus ruining the effect of the HOT SOAKING BATH. Anyone with progeny knows how desperately difficult it is to tell two little ones NO to their pleas to bathe, especially when they have the delightfully chocolate smeared faces. BUT, I said NO because I wanted to take a bath ALONE. So I shoo’d them out of my bathroom and demanded they be sent to bed then commenced my bathing ALONE… well mostly. It was me and the two Piss On Me Bath Babies. What? You have no idea what a Piss On Me Bath Baby is? Let me tell you, it’s the physical incarnation of hate from the giver of this LOVELY toy to the parent of the child this is given. Yes HATE and a LOT of it. I mean honestly who the fuck thinks it’s a FABULOUS idea to give a little girl a doll that drinks AND wets??? It’s like giving someone a puppy who can’t be house broken and making sure that this dog has a 2 minute bladder and likes to drink. I don’t think anything that can piss on me is a good gift. AND the absolute BEST part of this doll is that it is billed as a BATH TIME doll also! YAY! Which means that it briefly was not in the bath tub after they opened the boxes, and it now spends 24/7 in the freaking tub. WHY?? Let me explain this. This doll has a little hole in it’s mouth so that an evil little person can feed it a doll bottle full of water, it also has a hole between it’s dolly legs so it can piss on whoever it’s being fed by (now who the hell thought THAT was fun??) This is all well and good (not really but go with me), but the doll has hollow doll arms and legs. These ALSO fill up with water, especially when this monstrosity is submerged in the bath tub, which happens several hundred times during a bath as a gleeful child will hold the doll under water as though trying to drown it like a crack whore babysitter then hold it up and giggle as the water empties from the doll saying “Look! She’s peeing on me!” which will cause any mother to develop a nervous twitch and make them gently tell their child to cut that the hell out. As for me, the first time it happened I had a horrible flash forward of my youngest progeny in a fetish club… I refused to think of the rest and just smacked her and her sister on the back of the head and told them to stop it or I’d have to set the damn dolls on fire (hey cut me some slack, I have to deal with catching both offspring on one of the posts of my four poster bed practicing their pole dancing after baths. It’s SCARY, I don’t want to think of anything WORSE than that.)
So I bathed and I decided that I didn’t want Baby Piss On Me or her sister Incontinence Girl to share the bath with me. I decided to empty them of their water (another reason to hate the dolls, they are ALWAYS full of water, so they HAVE to stay in the damn tub). I held the dolls up and allowed them to *ahem* pee. I squeezed their heads to hurry it the hell up. I shook the dolls to make sure they were empty, nope. I wiggled their arms and kept emptying the dolls. Still water. I finally realized I’d have to remove the damn dolls legs to get all the water out. So I did. Now there are two amputee dolls on the bathroom floor and for some reason that gives me great satisfaction.
On to other things… let me back track a bit.
As you recall, the Tiny Terrorists have been doing their best… er worst… um... whatever… They’ve been brats. Horrible little brats that make going out in public an embarrassment at best. The only comfort I could get was the sympathetic looks from other mothers at WalMart. ANYWAY, Wednesday of last week they joined me in my bedroom in the morning to watch a movie in my room, because for some reason that’s so much cooler than in the living room. So whatever, that meant I could sleep in a bit as they watched Muppet Treasure Island for the 500th time. I decided to get up before the movie was done and they said they wanted to finish watching the movie in my room. I had a moment of stupidity as I LET them. When I returned to the room 20 minutes later I saw them crouched in the middle of my bed looking at me while trying to HIDE something. I asked what it was and they claimed ignorance. I looked around and lo and behold they had done it AGAIN! They opened their Chanukah presents! And they were eating the chocolate gelt. I immediately felt a raging headache start and yelled something unintelligible to the Tiny Terrorist before demanding they get OUT of my room and go sit for time outs which might last for the rest of the fucking day! I then telephoned their father at work and got his voice mail so I left a message: “K, your children just opened up all of their Chanukah presents. Why don’t you give me a call.” He called back within 20 minutes with fear in his voice to asses the situation (and see if he needed to bring home a tranquilizer dart gun), offered to bring home dinner and offered me sympathy. They weren’t much better the rest of the day and that left me wishing someone would give me two large dog crates for Chanukah. Kent arrived home early and with dinner and a Chanukah gift for me... no, not a dog crate, but something that VIBRATES!!!
It’s not what you think, but I love it almost as much as BOB. It’s a vibrating neck pillow. It’s lovely. I wish it had a bed like that. The Tiny Terrorist were all about the pillow until I made them hold it on my neck as I sat here at the computer. Yes I did. I made them hold the pillow as punishment and they both LOATHED it. I think from now on they’ll have to hold that damn pillow every time they misbehave. Why not, they GIVE me headaches when they act like they are demon possessed, why not make them work to get RID of my headaches??
Anyway… that’s it for now. I’m tired. Happy New Year.
I knew that would catch your attention. I just got out of the bath (well not just, it’s been almost 2 hours now), it was a delightful bath. Something I rarely do… the BATH thing, not bathe in general, asshat. I am really a shower girl with the occasional HOT SOAKING BATH thrown in. Today I used the fabulous green tea bath stuff given to me as a gift. Ahhhhh… and I took a bath BY MY SELF. Despite their absolute cuteness at that very moment of life, I did NOT let the offspring join my bath thus ruining the effect of the HOT SOAKING BATH. Anyone with progeny knows how desperately difficult it is to tell two little ones NO to their pleas to bathe, especially when they have the delightfully chocolate smeared faces. BUT, I said NO because I wanted to take a bath ALONE. So I shoo’d them out of my bathroom and demanded they be sent to bed then commenced my bathing ALONE… well mostly. It was me and the two Piss On Me Bath Babies. What? You have no idea what a Piss On Me Bath Baby is? Let me tell you, it’s the physical incarnation of hate from the giver of this LOVELY toy to the parent of the child this is given. Yes HATE and a LOT of it. I mean honestly who the fuck thinks it’s a FABULOUS idea to give a little girl a doll that drinks AND wets??? It’s like giving someone a puppy who can’t be house broken and making sure that this dog has a 2 minute bladder and likes to drink. I don’t think anything that can piss on me is a good gift. AND the absolute BEST part of this doll is that it is billed as a BATH TIME doll also! YAY! Which means that it briefly was not in the bath tub after they opened the boxes, and it now spends 24/7 in the freaking tub. WHY?? Let me explain this. This doll has a little hole in it’s mouth so that an evil little person can feed it a doll bottle full of water, it also has a hole between it’s dolly legs so it can piss on whoever it’s being fed by (now who the hell thought THAT was fun??) This is all well and good (not really but go with me), but the doll has hollow doll arms and legs. These ALSO fill up with water, especially when this monstrosity is submerged in the bath tub, which happens several hundred times during a bath as a gleeful child will hold the doll under water as though trying to drown it like a crack whore babysitter then hold it up and giggle as the water empties from the doll saying “Look! She’s peeing on me!” which will cause any mother to develop a nervous twitch and make them gently tell their child to cut that the hell out. As for me, the first time it happened I had a horrible flash forward of my youngest progeny in a fetish club… I refused to think of the rest and just smacked her and her sister on the back of the head and told them to stop it or I’d have to set the damn dolls on fire (hey cut me some slack, I have to deal with catching both offspring on one of the posts of my four poster bed practicing their pole dancing after baths. It’s SCARY, I don’t want to think of anything WORSE than that.)
So I bathed and I decided that I didn’t want Baby Piss On Me or her sister Incontinence Girl to share the bath with me. I decided to empty them of their water (another reason to hate the dolls, they are ALWAYS full of water, so they HAVE to stay in the damn tub). I held the dolls up and allowed them to *ahem* pee. I squeezed their heads to hurry it the hell up. I shook the dolls to make sure they were empty, nope. I wiggled their arms and kept emptying the dolls. Still water. I finally realized I’d have to remove the damn dolls legs to get all the water out. So I did. Now there are two amputee dolls on the bathroom floor and for some reason that gives me great satisfaction.
On to other things… let me back track a bit.
As you recall, the Tiny Terrorists have been doing their best… er worst… um... whatever… They’ve been brats. Horrible little brats that make going out in public an embarrassment at best. The only comfort I could get was the sympathetic looks from other mothers at WalMart. ANYWAY, Wednesday of last week they joined me in my bedroom in the morning to watch a movie in my room, because for some reason that’s so much cooler than in the living room. So whatever, that meant I could sleep in a bit as they watched Muppet Treasure Island for the 500th time. I decided to get up before the movie was done and they said they wanted to finish watching the movie in my room. I had a moment of stupidity as I LET them. When I returned to the room 20 minutes later I saw them crouched in the middle of my bed looking at me while trying to HIDE something. I asked what it was and they claimed ignorance. I looked around and lo and behold they had done it AGAIN! They opened their Chanukah presents! And they were eating the chocolate gelt. I immediately felt a raging headache start and yelled something unintelligible to the Tiny Terrorist before demanding they get OUT of my room and go sit for time outs which might last for the rest of the fucking day! I then telephoned their father at work and got his voice mail so I left a message: “K, your children just opened up all of their Chanukah presents. Why don’t you give me a call.” He called back within 20 minutes with fear in his voice to asses the situation (and see if he needed to bring home a tranquilizer dart gun), offered to bring home dinner and offered me sympathy. They weren’t much better the rest of the day and that left me wishing someone would give me two large dog crates for Chanukah. Kent arrived home early and with dinner and a Chanukah gift for me... no, not a dog crate, but something that VIBRATES!!!
It’s not what you think, but I love it almost as much as BOB. It’s a vibrating neck pillow. It’s lovely. I wish it had a bed like that. The Tiny Terrorist were all about the pillow until I made them hold it on my neck as I sat here at the computer. Yes I did. I made them hold the pillow as punishment and they both LOATHED it. I think from now on they’ll have to hold that damn pillow every time they misbehave. Why not, they GIVE me headaches when they act like they are demon possessed, why not make them work to get RID of my headaches??
Anyway… that’s it for now. I’m tired. Happy New Year.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Happy, er... New Year
So here I sit after a LONG ass day at work and fuck I wish I was napping which is what I need to do as I have some festivities to be attending to later tonight as in getting wasted because it’s the New Year and I fucking can, but lo, I am not NAPPING as I so very much need to be doing because I am awaiting TACOS which I have demanded that K go out and procure for my dining pleasures… er… maybe not pleasures, but dining necessities… if that makes any sense… dinner. Yes dinner as I am fucking hungry because I got to work at nearly 8 am today and finished work at 5:15 today with just a mere 15 minute break, one Starbucks Frappichino (on the way to my second hospital), a large Dr. Pepper and 4 peanut butter crackers (Ritz). Now I’m all light headed and giddy because I’m tired and hungry and I WANT my FUCKING TACOS now. But I digress, because this is the closing of the year and I need to make a closing of the year post… or something like that… I promise that I WILL get back to the VIBRATING THING post. Really I will, but honestly I can not really focus right now… so tired and hungry… TACOS!
For now, I must make snarky comments about people I encountered today. One woman said to me “Just don’t make him look gay!” of the taking of the photo of her son. I started laughing and she explained how her husband made the very inappropriate joke that their son might be gay because he wouldn’t breast feed. Hehehe… And I laughed. I laughed and laughed, but she thought it was because of her comment but it was because I was so tempted to tell her that her comment was funny, very funny even, TO ME because my husband is GAY. I didn’t tell her, didn’t want to ruin her little funny with my real life gay sitcom life which is really quite funny in a really kind of sad way. Another woman made me want to smack her because she was having trouble making up her mind if she wanted photos or not (Jesus Gay on a pogo stick! It’s baby pictures not life or fucking death!) and with a very serious look (very fake nails, too much makeup) and tears in her over mascaraed eyes told me that she had an ‘emergency cesarean’ (on the freaking 29th!!!), in a told that told me she EXPECTED me to gasp, pat her hand, declare her a ‘poor dear’ and excuse her idiotness before bowing down and asking her exactly HOW I could serve her. Well what the fuck ever, my time is money, I told her I’d check back with her tomorrow or even later today and she informed me that I should CALL her to check and see if she wanted me to do her baby’s photos. I fought the overpowering urge to laugh rudely and roll my eyes at her and instead smirked and said I’d do that if I had time then walked out to take care of paying customers. This lady needed a smack and for someone to point out to her that she’s not the first person to have a baby, nor an ‘emergency cesarean’ and she needed to get the fuck over herself. Since I actually don’t get paid to do that I just walked away and called her moments before leaving today.
WHERE ARE MY TACOS?????
This year…
Has been one of the best years of my whole freaking life! I have the best friends ever, I won’t go into a long list of people as that would just be unnecessary and embarrassing to everyone, but you KNOW who you are and you KNOW I LOVE YOU.
This year hasn’t been easy and I thank each and every one of you who offered kind words, held my hand, gave me booze, took me out or held my hand while I acted like a ‘tard. You made me feel like I really mattered in this world.
Thanks to all of you who drug me to faire and to those I drug to faire with me. I wish I had done this whole rennie thing long ago instead of listening to an idiot boyfriend who discouraged me from doing this.
Thanks to everyone who let me camp with them, near them, in the general vicinity of them. If I was falling down drunk in your camper, camping area, tent, etc. I hope I wasn’t too much of an imposition. I had a great time.
Thanks to everyone who went clubbin’ with me and endured my frightening and trampy fashion choices. Thanks for all the drinks, and dancing and laughs and Taco Cabana after.
Thanks for all the gaming.
Thanks for all the sex and sex toys.
Thanks for all you’ve done, I am nothing without you. *smooch* *smooch*
And most of all, Thanks for ALL THE COFFEE!
2006 is going to ROCK with you around.
Okay, my TACOS are here. I need sleep and recharging for partying tonight.
So here I sit after a LONG ass day at work and fuck I wish I was napping which is what I need to do as I have some festivities to be attending to later tonight as in getting wasted because it’s the New Year and I fucking can, but lo, I am not NAPPING as I so very much need to be doing because I am awaiting TACOS which I have demanded that K go out and procure for my dining pleasures… er… maybe not pleasures, but dining necessities… if that makes any sense… dinner. Yes dinner as I am fucking hungry because I got to work at nearly 8 am today and finished work at 5:15 today with just a mere 15 minute break, one Starbucks Frappichino (on the way to my second hospital), a large Dr. Pepper and 4 peanut butter crackers (Ritz). Now I’m all light headed and giddy because I’m tired and hungry and I WANT my FUCKING TACOS now. But I digress, because this is the closing of the year and I need to make a closing of the year post… or something like that… I promise that I WILL get back to the VIBRATING THING post. Really I will, but honestly I can not really focus right now… so tired and hungry… TACOS!
For now, I must make snarky comments about people I encountered today. One woman said to me “Just don’t make him look gay!” of the taking of the photo of her son. I started laughing and she explained how her husband made the very inappropriate joke that their son might be gay because he wouldn’t breast feed. Hehehe… And I laughed. I laughed and laughed, but she thought it was because of her comment but it was because I was so tempted to tell her that her comment was funny, very funny even, TO ME because my husband is GAY. I didn’t tell her, didn’t want to ruin her little funny with my real life gay sitcom life which is really quite funny in a really kind of sad way. Another woman made me want to smack her because she was having trouble making up her mind if she wanted photos or not (Jesus Gay on a pogo stick! It’s baby pictures not life or fucking death!) and with a very serious look (very fake nails, too much makeup) and tears in her over mascaraed eyes told me that she had an ‘emergency cesarean’ (on the freaking 29th!!!), in a told that told me she EXPECTED me to gasp, pat her hand, declare her a ‘poor dear’ and excuse her idiotness before bowing down and asking her exactly HOW I could serve her. Well what the fuck ever, my time is money, I told her I’d check back with her tomorrow or even later today and she informed me that I should CALL her to check and see if she wanted me to do her baby’s photos. I fought the overpowering urge to laugh rudely and roll my eyes at her and instead smirked and said I’d do that if I had time then walked out to take care of paying customers. This lady needed a smack and for someone to point out to her that she’s not the first person to have a baby, nor an ‘emergency cesarean’ and she needed to get the fuck over herself. Since I actually don’t get paid to do that I just walked away and called her moments before leaving today.
WHERE ARE MY TACOS?????
This year…
Has been one of the best years of my whole freaking life! I have the best friends ever, I won’t go into a long list of people as that would just be unnecessary and embarrassing to everyone, but you KNOW who you are and you KNOW I LOVE YOU.
This year hasn’t been easy and I thank each and every one of you who offered kind words, held my hand, gave me booze, took me out or held my hand while I acted like a ‘tard. You made me feel like I really mattered in this world.
Thanks to all of you who drug me to faire and to those I drug to faire with me. I wish I had done this whole rennie thing long ago instead of listening to an idiot boyfriend who discouraged me from doing this.
Thanks to everyone who let me camp with them, near them, in the general vicinity of them. If I was falling down drunk in your camper, camping area, tent, etc. I hope I wasn’t too much of an imposition. I had a great time.
Thanks to everyone who went clubbin’ with me and endured my frightening and trampy fashion choices. Thanks for all the drinks, and dancing and laughs and Taco Cabana after.
Thanks for all the gaming.
Thanks for all the sex and sex toys.
Thanks for all you’ve done, I am nothing without you. *smooch* *smooch*
And most of all, Thanks for ALL THE COFFEE!
2006 is going to ROCK with you around.
Okay, my TACOS are here. I need sleep and recharging for partying tonight.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Oh How I Love Things That VIBRATE!
Ahhh, but before I elaborate on the above fact (which is completely obvious to most people who know me) I must go into how very, very EVIL the Tiny Terrorists were today. Wait… wait... I need to go back a day and tell about THE CHINEESE RESTAURANT EXPERIENCE OF DOOM or How The Tiny Terrorists Gave Everyone A Reason To Keep Birth Control Available To EVERYONE. I swear yesterday my offspring were a good argument to keep abortion legal… even retroactive abortion. *sigh*
Anyway… The plan was for Badra to come get myself and the Tiny Terrorists so we all could go have a NICE lunch with Lerxst and Sable. We planned this a while back and it SEEMED sane at that time. I had taken Cabbage Patch out with Badra several times and she was always very good. I’ve been over to Lerxst and Sable’s with both offspring before and never felt the urge to lock them in a kennel so I was FAIRLY comfortable with this.
That morning I bathed both and dressed them in matching dresses then fixed their hair in matching hair styles (yes I know, obsessive). Badra arrived and the Little People were still sweet. We drove over to Lerxst and Sable’s all the while listening to the Chanukah Kids Songs CD Badra got for the Little People. Well I THOUGHT they were listening, but now I realize they were plotting and planning. We arrived and the Tiny Terrorists were gifted with a gift so evil and despised that I immediately planned to put it in the offspring’s luggage for when they spend the weekends with their daddy and Mr. B. hehehehe… Its fart putty. All it does is make fart noises and I knew that K would hate it so much he’d put out a Gay Mafia hit on whoever bought it for the progeny. So… Lerxst and Sable, if ever you find yourself being tailed by what looks to be the cast from Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, I suggest you duck into a Pier One or an Old Navy to get away from them.
The next thing that happened sent up red flags but for some gawd forsaken reason I kept my fool mouth shut. As we ADULTS were discussing where we should dine and all being terribly undecided, Sable turned to one of the Tiny Terrorists and asked her what she would like to eat. As a parent I’ve learned that unless that child is actually PAYING for the meal, the child should never ever make the decision on where to dine. Honestly, why would you trust someone who considers Chef Boyardee to be gourmet food and macaroni and cheese to be a staple that all meals should be built around. Super Girl surprised me by saying ‘Chinese’ and off we went.
As soon as we sat at the table and got menus I knew this would not go smoothly. I was fully expecting this to be a buffet place, which is actually mostly safe fro the offspring as they can choose their own food and there is an actual chance that Cabbage Patch will actually EAT something. I negotiated with Super Girl on food and pretty much ignored Cabbage Patch who had switched into BRAT mode the moment we got back in Badra’s truck. I scanned the menu and saw that there was nothing that Cabbage Patch would actually EAT on there save possibly some fried rice. I asked Super Girl three times if she wanted beef and broccoli since she likes that, but she insisted that she wanted SOUP. The special was Moo Goo Gi Pan and I recalled that we (me and the offspring) had eaten that once while out with D so I went ahead and ordered that since it came with SOUP and FRIED rice, I figured there was a CHANCE that Super Girl would eat the soup and some of the veggies. Cabbage Patch wasn’t going to have anything other than air and discontent.
The soup arrived and Super Girl was shocked to see what egg drop soup was and thought it was gross – more negotiations over her actually TRYING it before saying it’s nasty. Much whining had already started from Cabbage Patch who was bitching saying she wanted something else, pizza or something (she never wants what we are having unless it’s macaroni and cheese). Our food arrived and THEN the real bitching began. Cabbage Patch refused to touch ANYTHING. Super Girl only wanted soup but not the soup that was brought to her. I ordered her a bowl of wonton soup and people tried to bribe her and her sister into eating. I continued to mutter threats under my breath to the offspring with mixed results. Super Girl ate some of her soup and started eating the veggies out of what I ordered for them and from other people’s plates, but Cabbage Patched switched into WHINE OVER DRIVE. She bitched about wanting noodles so I ordered her a plate of just noodles and when they arrived they were the WRONG kind of noodles. She refused to even touch them. She scowled and whined… loudly. I finally had enough. I took her off to the bathroom to have a TALK with her where she was told to shut the whining up and that she didn’t have to eat but she did have to shut up and finally that if she whined again I would take her back to the bathroom and spank her. We returned to the table where she sat with her arms crossed, scowling at the world… but she was silent. We finished lunch in relative peace and I took home a lot of left overs. (eyes rolling up in head)
And how I wish that was the END of this horrid saga, but it’s not. The EVILNESS continued… More to come (and, uh... the explanation on the VIBRATING part, for now I must just leave you hanging though.
Ahhh, but before I elaborate on the above fact (which is completely obvious to most people who know me) I must go into how very, very EVIL the Tiny Terrorists were today. Wait… wait... I need to go back a day and tell about THE CHINEESE RESTAURANT EXPERIENCE OF DOOM or How The Tiny Terrorists Gave Everyone A Reason To Keep Birth Control Available To EVERYONE. I swear yesterday my offspring were a good argument to keep abortion legal… even retroactive abortion. *sigh*
Anyway… The plan was for Badra to come get myself and the Tiny Terrorists so we all could go have a NICE lunch with Lerxst and Sable. We planned this a while back and it SEEMED sane at that time. I had taken Cabbage Patch out with Badra several times and she was always very good. I’ve been over to Lerxst and Sable’s with both offspring before and never felt the urge to lock them in a kennel so I was FAIRLY comfortable with this.
That morning I bathed both and dressed them in matching dresses then fixed their hair in matching hair styles (yes I know, obsessive). Badra arrived and the Little People were still sweet. We drove over to Lerxst and Sable’s all the while listening to the Chanukah Kids Songs CD Badra got for the Little People. Well I THOUGHT they were listening, but now I realize they were plotting and planning. We arrived and the Tiny Terrorists were gifted with a gift so evil and despised that I immediately planned to put it in the offspring’s luggage for when they spend the weekends with their daddy and Mr. B. hehehehe… Its fart putty. All it does is make fart noises and I knew that K would hate it so much he’d put out a Gay Mafia hit on whoever bought it for the progeny. So… Lerxst and Sable, if ever you find yourself being tailed by what looks to be the cast from Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, I suggest you duck into a Pier One or an Old Navy to get away from them.
The next thing that happened sent up red flags but for some gawd forsaken reason I kept my fool mouth shut. As we ADULTS were discussing where we should dine and all being terribly undecided, Sable turned to one of the Tiny Terrorists and asked her what she would like to eat. As a parent I’ve learned that unless that child is actually PAYING for the meal, the child should never ever make the decision on where to dine. Honestly, why would you trust someone who considers Chef Boyardee to be gourmet food and macaroni and cheese to be a staple that all meals should be built around. Super Girl surprised me by saying ‘Chinese’ and off we went.
As soon as we sat at the table and got menus I knew this would not go smoothly. I was fully expecting this to be a buffet place, which is actually mostly safe fro the offspring as they can choose their own food and there is an actual chance that Cabbage Patch will actually EAT something. I negotiated with Super Girl on food and pretty much ignored Cabbage Patch who had switched into BRAT mode the moment we got back in Badra’s truck. I scanned the menu and saw that there was nothing that Cabbage Patch would actually EAT on there save possibly some fried rice. I asked Super Girl three times if she wanted beef and broccoli since she likes that, but she insisted that she wanted SOUP. The special was Moo Goo Gi Pan and I recalled that we (me and the offspring) had eaten that once while out with D so I went ahead and ordered that since it came with SOUP and FRIED rice, I figured there was a CHANCE that Super Girl would eat the soup and some of the veggies. Cabbage Patch wasn’t going to have anything other than air and discontent.
The soup arrived and Super Girl was shocked to see what egg drop soup was and thought it was gross – more negotiations over her actually TRYING it before saying it’s nasty. Much whining had already started from Cabbage Patch who was bitching saying she wanted something else, pizza or something (she never wants what we are having unless it’s macaroni and cheese). Our food arrived and THEN the real bitching began. Cabbage Patch refused to touch ANYTHING. Super Girl only wanted soup but not the soup that was brought to her. I ordered her a bowl of wonton soup and people tried to bribe her and her sister into eating. I continued to mutter threats under my breath to the offspring with mixed results. Super Girl ate some of her soup and started eating the veggies out of what I ordered for them and from other people’s plates, but Cabbage Patched switched into WHINE OVER DRIVE. She bitched about wanting noodles so I ordered her a plate of just noodles and when they arrived they were the WRONG kind of noodles. She refused to even touch them. She scowled and whined… loudly. I finally had enough. I took her off to the bathroom to have a TALK with her where she was told to shut the whining up and that she didn’t have to eat but she did have to shut up and finally that if she whined again I would take her back to the bathroom and spank her. We returned to the table where she sat with her arms crossed, scowling at the world… but she was silent. We finished lunch in relative peace and I took home a lot of left overs. (eyes rolling up in head)
And how I wish that was the END of this horrid saga, but it’s not. The EVILNESS continued… More to come (and, uh... the explanation on the VIBRATING part, for now I must just leave you hanging though.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Angel of Combat And War-->
You're a strong individual who does not need the love
of other people to get by. You're a leader and
everyone recognizes that. You are represented by
the horse, a graceful and powerful animal that
rushes in to face danger and comes out unscathed. You
stay strong and are represented by the color
red, the blood of the fools crazy enough to
cross your path.
What are you the angel of?? (beautiful anime pics)
brought to you by Quizilla
~Seductive Angel~
"Wow this is a good one". You know why
you have fallen to earth and it's because you
wanted sex one more time. Thats a big no no in
heaven. Your lust meter is at its best, your
good at what you do in bed and everyone knows
it. "Heaven in a Devils bed" (You
keep it hot). Just remember to stay true to
your loved ones they take a while to catch up
with you so be patient... Keep your kinky and
adventurous ways they make up you. Your loved
one loves your sex just remember what they
like..
What Kind Of Fallen Angel Are You? (For Boys & Girls)
brought to you by Quizilla
| You are a Dark Red Rose |
 You represent unconscious beauty and deep passion. Your vibe: sophisticated and worldly Falling in love with you is: wildly carnal and forbidden |
Monday, December 26, 2005
I Measure Love In Coffee and Sugar
(my lovely presents of coffee, cookies and chocolate)
Just kidding, (mostly). This holiday season has been a lovely caffeinated one for me. I’ve gotten many, many gifts of coffee and chocolate (K has been absolved from all his sins of this past year for bringing me a BOX of very dark chocolate bars – a BOX as in 12 bars! The funny part is that they have a label on them that says ‘best if used by 09.05.07’ AS IF! I doubt these delightful morsels will last until New Years EVE! Of this year!)
While I’ve been tempted to drink coffee like a chain smoker with a carton of cigs, I have managed to control myself, if only due to my horrible reflux and the fact that caffeine makes it WORSE. If not for that, self control be damned! I wouldn’t sleep until next year sometime! Oh well, I suppose this just helps me to SAVOR my gifts that much more. But I digress (as I sip this fabulous cup of Irish Cream favored java), the holidays are a happening and I’m doing them!
Christmas happened and I worked. Yee-haw. It actually wasn’t that bad. I don’t mind working the holidays, especially a holiday that isn’t important to me. The people are generally pretty nice and I get HOLIDAY PAY, so it’s not to bad. This Christmas was pretty much like that, except I had been invited to a lovely dinner with a new and most fabulous friend, Rose and her family. Their dinner was set for 3 ish. Cool, I figured that since it was a holiday and I’d worked my ass off the day before, I’d be out of there by 1 pm or 2 pm at the latest. And I would have, except my last client was in the breast feeding class when I arrived. The class generally runs until 2:30pm and more often 3 pm. *sigh* I didn’t want to wait, I had PLANS. I explained the options to the grandma who was in the room and smiled politely, I told her nicely that I didn’t get paid if I wasn’t taking photos so I just couldn’t wait around for an hour or more. She smiled, she said she understood, she offered me money and she asked me sweetly to stay. I realized she was quite desperate for her first grand child’s photos to be made. I told her I’d make a call, I had a dinner to be at but if they were okay with me being late, I would wait and she did not have to pay me. She said that if I had a dinner to be at she understood and not to worry, but I could see and hear her disappointment and I’d already made up my mind that I would wait if Rose and her family didn’t mind. Rose and Mommy Rose didn’t mind at all so I went back to wait with grandma. We watched part of A Christmas Story and chatted until baby and mom arrived. The photos were fabulous and the family was so thankful. Then grandma tossed some money on my cart as I was leaving, I protested and she insisted very insistently that I TAKE it. So I did, I stuffed it in my pocket and went to put away my equipment, I figured it was $5 or $10 I’d use for gas money. As I uploaded the photos of the day, I took the money out of my ugly smock pocket and looked at it before putting in my purse. It wasn’t $5 or $10. It was $40. She didn’t have to pay me anything, them being so happy over the photos was enough for me.
So I left there and made it to Rose’s home and was maybe an hour late. I met Mommy Rose (whom I absolutely adore) and a cute friend of Rose’s. The meal was amazing (roast lamb!), the dessert was to die for (chocolate raspberry cake!) and the company was to fabulous.
I left at 7:30 pm, though I could have stayed all night and talked. I had a most interesting time figuring out how to get out of the parking lot of her apartments – I’m so ghetto I don’t know how to get out of a gated place. Doh. Eventually I did managed to get out and find my way home without getting lost (I had already done that getting there). I headed over to K’s brother’s house to meet him and the Little People and develop a lovely migraine (damn the weather!).
(my lovely presents of coffee, cookies and chocolate)
Just kidding, (mostly). This holiday season has been a lovely caffeinated one for me. I’ve gotten many, many gifts of coffee and chocolate (K has been absolved from all his sins of this past year for bringing me a BOX of very dark chocolate bars – a BOX as in 12 bars! The funny part is that they have a label on them that says ‘best if used by 09.05.07’ AS IF! I doubt these delightful morsels will last until New Years EVE! Of this year!)
While I’ve been tempted to drink coffee like a chain smoker with a carton of cigs, I have managed to control myself, if only due to my horrible reflux and the fact that caffeine makes it WORSE. If not for that, self control be damned! I wouldn’t sleep until next year sometime! Oh well, I suppose this just helps me to SAVOR my gifts that much more. But I digress (as I sip this fabulous cup of Irish Cream favored java), the holidays are a happening and I’m doing them!
Christmas happened and I worked. Yee-haw. It actually wasn’t that bad. I don’t mind working the holidays, especially a holiday that isn’t important to me. The people are generally pretty nice and I get HOLIDAY PAY, so it’s not to bad. This Christmas was pretty much like that, except I had been invited to a lovely dinner with a new and most fabulous friend, Rose and her family. Their dinner was set for 3 ish. Cool, I figured that since it was a holiday and I’d worked my ass off the day before, I’d be out of there by 1 pm or 2 pm at the latest. And I would have, except my last client was in the breast feeding class when I arrived. The class generally runs until 2:30pm and more often 3 pm. *sigh* I didn’t want to wait, I had PLANS. I explained the options to the grandma who was in the room and smiled politely, I told her nicely that I didn’t get paid if I wasn’t taking photos so I just couldn’t wait around for an hour or more. She smiled, she said she understood, she offered me money and she asked me sweetly to stay. I realized she was quite desperate for her first grand child’s photos to be made. I told her I’d make a call, I had a dinner to be at but if they were okay with me being late, I would wait and she did not have to pay me. She said that if I had a dinner to be at she understood and not to worry, but I could see and hear her disappointment and I’d already made up my mind that I would wait if Rose and her family didn’t mind. Rose and Mommy Rose didn’t mind at all so I went back to wait with grandma. We watched part of A Christmas Story and chatted until baby and mom arrived. The photos were fabulous and the family was so thankful. Then grandma tossed some money on my cart as I was leaving, I protested and she insisted very insistently that I TAKE it. So I did, I stuffed it in my pocket and went to put away my equipment, I figured it was $5 or $10 I’d use for gas money. As I uploaded the photos of the day, I took the money out of my ugly smock pocket and looked at it before putting in my purse. It wasn’t $5 or $10. It was $40. She didn’t have to pay me anything, them being so happy over the photos was enough for me.
So I left there and made it to Rose’s home and was maybe an hour late. I met Mommy Rose (whom I absolutely adore) and a cute friend of Rose’s. The meal was amazing (roast lamb!), the dessert was to die for (chocolate raspberry cake!) and the company was to fabulous.
I left at 7:30 pm, though I could have stayed all night and talked. I had a most interesting time figuring out how to get out of the parking lot of her apartments – I’m so ghetto I don’t know how to get out of a gated place. Doh. Eventually I did managed to get out and find my way home without getting lost (I had already done that getting there). I headed over to K’s brother’s house to meet him and the Little People and develop a lovely migraine (damn the weather!).
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Peace and Harmony or Temporary Insanity
Sunshine still hates Coco, but she's pretending to like the dog (in front of me) just to get close enough to take a swipe at her (she used to do this with my dog, poor thing was so paranoid around that damn cat). Coco is not quite so stupid as to trust the motives of Sunshine, she will let Sunshine get within 6 inches then back away which leaves Sunshine looking frustrated.
Now Dusty is another story. I just looked up to see her and Coco playing. I have just watched them play this kind of hide and around the corner and up the stairs. Sunshine is just looking on with absolute revulsion. I'm watching with confusion. Complete confusion because Dusty hates other animals. All other animals, I think she only tolerates her sister because they are litter mates. Every other pet we've brought into this household has been met with hissing and scratching. All visiting pets have been met with just as much venom if not more. But Coco, she was PLAYING with her. This is also odd because Dusty doesn't play much. She's a very uncoordinated cat, I've actually seen this cat trip, she doesn't usually land on her feet and seems embarassed when we see her do something like that. And she was playing with Coco... I could totally blame this on hormones as she's in heat now, except that's NEVER EVER made her even one tiny bit nicer to any of the other animals - NEVER. Not even the ever amorous bunny. She's a bitchy cat and for some reason she seems to like Coco - maybe she's just pretending to like Coco to piss of Sunshine (it's working).
Sunshine still hates Coco, but she's pretending to like the dog (in front of me) just to get close enough to take a swipe at her (she used to do this with my dog, poor thing was so paranoid around that damn cat). Coco is not quite so stupid as to trust the motives of Sunshine, she will let Sunshine get within 6 inches then back away which leaves Sunshine looking frustrated.
Now Dusty is another story. I just looked up to see her and Coco playing. I have just watched them play this kind of hide and around the corner and up the stairs. Sunshine is just looking on with absolute revulsion. I'm watching with confusion. Complete confusion because Dusty hates other animals. All other animals, I think she only tolerates her sister because they are litter mates. Every other pet we've brought into this household has been met with hissing and scratching. All visiting pets have been met with just as much venom if not more. But Coco, she was PLAYING with her. This is also odd because Dusty doesn't play much. She's a very uncoordinated cat, I've actually seen this cat trip, she doesn't usually land on her feet and seems embarassed when we see her do something like that. And she was playing with Coco... I could totally blame this on hormones as she's in heat now, except that's NEVER EVER made her even one tiny bit nicer to any of the other animals - NEVER. Not even the ever amorous bunny. She's a bitchy cat and for some reason she seems to like Coco - maybe she's just pretending to like Coco to piss of Sunshine (it's working).
Thursday, December 22, 2005
From The Desk Of S. Claus
North Pole
Dear Super Girl and Cabbage Patch;
I recently got a report that you two opened all your Christmas presents early. This is a BAD, BAD thing. Prior to this even, I already had a file on both of you – quite thick I might add. I took some time to review the file and discovered a couple of puzzling things. Seems your mom is Jewish so that would make you half Jewish by default. Based on that evidence, even before this unfortunate event of early present opening you were slated for only half of the loot that the average Christian child would get (sorry, it’s the rules, I have to draw the line somewhere, ya know. It’s not like I really can compete with 8 nights of presents!). Secondly your dad is GAY! What the hell? I’m not even sure what to say about that, it’s really not in the books here, kike mom, gay dad – there is no entry like that! So I’m just going to have to play it by ear since the Elves Union is still working on a new updated more PC list of rules.
Here is my decision, since you opened all your presents prior to December 25th, you will forfeit all the presents I was going to bring (not really much to cry over, you only get half anyway). Of course I had to consider that you have a Jewish mom so that makes you half and you have a gay dad so that makes you… um.. confused… And since Santa is feeling sorry for you, you can expect to have some loot in your stocking, nothing big, just a sympathy offering. Sheesh… Jew mom, gay dad… am I going to know your house by the pink tree with rainbow colored ornaments and pride flag menorah?? My one piece of advice for you kids is to join a cult, it’s got to be less confusing than this family.
Warmest regards,
Santa
PS
Tell your mom to leave out some Jack and Coke, I have a feeling I may need it this year.
North Pole
Dear Super Girl and Cabbage Patch;
I recently got a report that you two opened all your Christmas presents early. This is a BAD, BAD thing. Prior to this even, I already had a file on both of you – quite thick I might add. I took some time to review the file and discovered a couple of puzzling things. Seems your mom is Jewish so that would make you half Jewish by default. Based on that evidence, even before this unfortunate event of early present opening you were slated for only half of the loot that the average Christian child would get (sorry, it’s the rules, I have to draw the line somewhere, ya know. It’s not like I really can compete with 8 nights of presents!). Secondly your dad is GAY! What the hell? I’m not even sure what to say about that, it’s really not in the books here, kike mom, gay dad – there is no entry like that! So I’m just going to have to play it by ear since the Elves Union is still working on a new updated more PC list of rules.
Here is my decision, since you opened all your presents prior to December 25th, you will forfeit all the presents I was going to bring (not really much to cry over, you only get half anyway). Of course I had to consider that you have a Jewish mom so that makes you half and you have a gay dad so that makes you… um.. confused… And since Santa is feeling sorry for you, you can expect to have some loot in your stocking, nothing big, just a sympathy offering. Sheesh… Jew mom, gay dad… am I going to know your house by the pink tree with rainbow colored ornaments and pride flag menorah?? My one piece of advice for you kids is to join a cult, it’s got to be less confusing than this family.
Warmest regards,
Santa
PS
Tell your mom to leave out some Jack and Coke, I have a feeling I may need it this year.
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