My Coffee Is Cold

Yesterday D brought over Coco the Cutest Dog In The World for her 3 week vacation with me. I have no fucking clue where D is going, at the point that Coco was in my presence I stopped listening to what D was saying… until it came to money, then the Ben Franklin she put in my hand briefly got my attention. Yes she paid me $100 for watching Coco. That would be 2 Ulysses S. Grant’s or 5 Andrew Jackson’s or 10 Alexander Hamilton’s or 20 Abraham Lincoln’s or 50 Thomas Jefferson’s (did they even make that many of them though???) or 100 George Washington… but not 100 Sacagawea coins… not that I have ANYTHING against Sacagawea, I just would have to beat D down if she even thought to bring me a bag full of coins. But I digress… as usual.

Cutest Dog In The Whole Fucking World!


Enjoy this photo of Coco (you have no idea the torture that was endured in order to get this photo, so just enjoy it). Try not to look directly AT the photo as her intense cuteness could make your head explode and I just can’t be responsible for that kind of mess. I promise to humiliate this cute dog each and every day of her vacation and post the photos here on line for you to enjoy… well I promise I’ll do it until my ADD takes over and I get bored with it…

Speaking of cuteness, she came very close to wearing out her cute last night when I took her out. In the past I had gotten Coco accustomed to vacationing over here and not needing to be on a leash when I took her out for a quick potty break. She would stay in the yard area and not go wandering off. Since the last time she vacationed here, she apparently has suffered some kind of traumatic brain damage and forgotten the rule for no leash time. Leaving her senses behind and ignoring my calls, commands and bribes to come back, she took off running down the side walk. I’m assuming she felt the need to piss me off and go take a shit in a totally new area. She accomplished pissing me off as I was standing outside in my bare feet and classy Ghetto-mamma outfit with my dirty, barefoot offspring near by as one of my retarded neighbors tried to have a conversation with me. (no I’m not being mean, he really is retarded… and no I’m not being insensitive, he IS retarded as in rides the short bus retarded and not a ‘tard like me.) I had to walk down to where she was with my Tiny Terrorist following behind and get the damn dog because she was pretending she just couldn’t fucking hear me. I was pissed off with her for that. If she had been my dog, I would have kicked her… not really, I never kicked the dog I had and I only hit her once, but it was for a GOOD reason as in she took a really HUGE dump in the middle of my living room floor. My dog that came to me completely house broken lost her fucking mind and took a big ol’ steaming shit on my living room carpet out of spite. That was the moment I realized I just should not own an animal who takes craps as big as my head because I was intensely resentful for having to clean that up. But back to Coco, because she’s not my dog and she’s so completely cute I only put her in her kennel for a time out.

Enough about the dog, what about me?!? I’m totally busy and completely overwhelmed. The busy part is good, the overwhelmed part sucks. Emotionally this is a difficult time for me. Mother’s Day without a mom is rather depressing. It brings up a lot of sadness and resentment. This past year I’ve really missed my mother – not that she was all that supportive, but I’ve still missed her with all that has happened to D, myself and our brother. This year I’ll be dragging The Little People to faire with me as well as K. It’s also his 41st birthday, so I’m sure running around keeping The Little People occupied and trying to make sure that K has a good birthday will make things fun. If you see K this Sunday, take a moment to wish him a happy birthday or buy him a beer – it’s not everyday he turns 41!

Other things…

School is almost out which is YET ANOTHER reason to be stressed. Muther-Fuck! What the hell am I going to do with TWO kids all day? How will I get in my 3 martini lunches and 4 hour naps? I’m looking into summer camps for them, but frankly they cost money and with K back on unemployment I’d much rather find a way for them to EARN money rather than suck my pocket book dry. So if anyone needs weeds pulled, bricks stacked, floors scrubbed or any minor construction work done… let me know, we’ll talk rates and when you can pick up The Tiny Terrorists for some *ahem* babysitting.

I’ve lost something and that’s just bugging the shit out of me. I spend 20 – 30 minutes aimlessly looking around for it about ever 4 hours of the day. I can’t remember what I did with it. I’m not even going to say what I lost (NO it’s not a VIBRATOR, I can account for ALL of my BOBS so stop thinking those crazy thoughts) because you haven’t been here and have no fucking clue where it could be so no reason to tell you and make you laugh at me (more than usual).

I should be sewing and I’m going to go do that right now, just wanted to let everyone know I’m NOT DEAD, just in limbo of sorts.

On a good note, I’m back on COFFEE! Having realized that my stomach issues were due to my body hating on me and turning dairy into something to be avoided (WHAAAAAAA) has been good in one way because it means that COFFEE wasn’t the culprit. Yay coffee!

Okay, back to sewing.

Et tu, Dairy?

Over the weekend it occurred to me that I’m probably lactose intolerant. After breakfast of yogurt and banana an hour later I was pushing my cart at work with a nauseous stomach, hoping that I had something in my purse to calm my stomach and debating whether I should go home and suffer alone. At that moment it occurred to me to wonder if my suffering was caused by the yogurt (and dairy in general) since this same type of thing happened the day before… and the day before… and just about every morning I start the day with yogurt or cereal and milk. A couple more hours of suffering (because nothing says BIG COMISSIONS like looking nausea and bloating) I was fairly certain that dairy had suddenly betrayed me and my gastrointestinal tract. Be damned! I love dairy! We’ve had so many good times together! And now… we must part ways. Eh, life goes on. BUT on the upside, I can now resume my coffee drinking since it’s not the coffee that’s been making me feel crappy. Bring on the Starbucks!

On To Other Things…

Thankfully work was not insane this weekend and I MADE IT BACK OUT TO FAIRE!!! I feared the rains that were predicted but never happened so I didn’t wear my super cool multi colored skirt. I made a most fabulous addition to my garb – PINK FEATHERS! I love them. Yes PINK. I have nothing PINK to wear with it, but who fucking cares – I look good in them! I even looked fabulous* after faire when I changed back into my camo capri’s! (you know you want some too!)

Feathers


So yeah, now I need garb that will coordinate with PINK… or whatever, I’ll just wear them.

*’fabulous’ being a relative term here considering my memorable fashion choices have included fishnets, polka-dot rubber rain boots and tee shirts saying ‘DORK’ and ‘EASY’.

Oedipus Complex

Today D came over. I showed her Super Girl’s class photo and D made a comment about how this one little boy looked standing next to Super Girl looked like he was mackin’ on her. This lead to a conversation of how Super Girl thought he was so weird because he thought he was her mother. D and I exchanged glances then snarky comments before Super Girl corrected herself and said “No! He thinks I’m his mother.” D and I exchanged knowing glances and smirks and I asked “Does he call you ‘mommy’ as in ‘Hey mommy, what you doing?’” My Cuban and Mexican sister had tears running from her eyes as we laughed at the realization that the Hispanic boy was in fact mackin’ on Super Girl. K on the other hand was doing the “La, la, la, la, la! I can’t hear you!” in utter denial.

My Militant Lesbian Outfit


Yesterday K and I went to procure new swim attire for the Tiny Terrorists. That meant a trip to Ross. It also meant that I would get to peruse the racks of clothing for some new funky piece of clothing. After the selection of new swim wear for EVERYONE (even me, but that’s another story) I steered the cart over to the fat chick area and started pawing through the racks of stuff and lo and behold what did I find… the MOST PERFECT pair of pants EVER made. In my size even. A pair of camouflage Capri pants. I immediately dropped the mini skirt I had been carrying around and snatched the pants off the rack declaring to K that THESE WERE THE ONES! K immediately started to smirk and make snide comments about how all I needed was a wife-beater and some combat boots to be ready for the pride march. I cast him a disparaging glance and muttered to him to shut up, that I didn’t think they let bi-sexuals in the march anyway. I searched through the racks of shirts to find a PERFECT one to go with my fabulous new pants (oddly enough I did keep finding tank tops that would go with the pants, but I didn’t buy any – because I already have some and secondly the amazing camouflage tank just wasn’t in my size) and ignored K’s continual comments about my Militant Lesbian uniform as I selected the perfect white lacy shirt to compliment the pants. When I tried the fabulous pants on, K commented that they actually looked really good on me. I’m thinking that camouflage print makes my fat ass harder to see… Maybe I need to buy all my clothes in camo from now on. Might not actually HIDE my ass from sight but in a pinch I’ll be able to hide in the bushes.

Crazy Circus Monkey

Cute Toes


Reasons not to jump off a building when they drench my bathroom for the second time in two days.


Baby Face


Who could resist that face, especially when she's singing "We Got Cabin Fever!" while dancing around on my bed wrapped in a red fuzzy afghan.

Crazy World I Live In

WTF is up with the weather? Yesterday it was all hot and everything and today it’s 56! 56! Say it with me FIFTY SIX! It’s cold. I’m not complaining, I like 56 better than 80, I’m just CONFUSED. I read the weather yesterday and it said possible showers high of 75. It’s not 75. It’s 56! And it isn’t raining.

Whatever…

Other stuff… since it’s SPRING the creek area is nearly in FULL bloom! I love that! It’s so pretty! And SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FULL of POISON IVY! A couple of weeks ago Super Girl and I got our FIRST case of poison ivy of the year! Woot! My rash was small and just on my face, poor Super Girl on the other hand got some on her face… and her right fore arm… and on her side… and under her arm and on her other arm and a small spot on her back. Sheesh! And we got all this by just walking on the side walk – no one went crashing through the brush. On that very walk I had stopped Super Girl specifically to point out the beautiful lush field of POISON IVY and cautioned her to STAY AWAY from it, do NOT touch the green stuff near the creek. Now it seems that neither her or I can even WALK down there. Sad really because we won’t be able to watch the web worms this year as they build nests in the trees, we can’t go looking for the cardinals or the blue jays, we can’t chase the butterflies, we can’t go smell the bushes of honeysuckle (it’s mixed in with the poison ivy), we won’t get to watch the persimmon trees or go search for the old well near the creek. Sucks really. Damn that poison ivy! Damn K and Cabbage Patch for not being allergic! Thank goodness for Benedryl and lots of anti-itching cream.

Other stuff…

Happy positive thoughts for K now, his most fabulous season tech support job has ended and he’s once again searching for employment. Tech Support is what he’s looking for and what he’s damn good at, so if you know of anything – send me a message.

Also, happy thoughts for my daddy. I can NOT fully express exactly how much I dislike my stepmother who is a stone cold bitch, minion of Satan. She’s giving my father a hard way to go and his life is already hard.

Okay, now I have to get back to my sewing machine! So much to sew!

Blame LaSeg For This!

She's the one who keeps doing these damn things, and well ya know, I just HAVE to do them also!

Your results:
You are Supergirl

Supergirl 85% Spider-Man 80% Wonder Woman 80% Superman 70% Green Lantern 70% Iron Man 65% Catwoman 65% Hulk 65% The Flash 55% Batman 50% Robin 40%

Lean, muscular and feminine. Honest and a defender of the innocent.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero are you?" quiz...

My Dating Style

The Playstation Random Gentle Sex Master (RGSMf) Easy to turn on. Hard to beat. You are The Playstation. You're a nice girl, and you have lots of sex. It's therefore highly likely that you're attractive, and you're certainly outgoing & friendly. Plus, this healthy physical attitude of yours indicates deeper emotional well-being and stability. Unheard of. When guys dare to dream, they dream of you. You don't get attached too easily, and, to wit, you're not necessarily looking for something long-term right now. That's a bigger asset than you know. Though, physically speaking, you're open to anything, you're keeping your emotional side well-protected. This means there won't be a lot of wreckage to clean up whenever you decide to settle down. Your exact opposite: The Priss Deliberate Brutal Love Dreamer In the meantime, the men you share yourself with actually respect you. Like them, you enjoy sex for its own sake and don't need any other validation for pleasure than pleasure itself. Hopefully, you have the good sense to blow off anyone who thinks less of you for that. Usually, this is the part of the description where we offer some life-correcting advice, but honestly, we can't think of anything about you we'd change. Keep on fucking, partner. ALWAYS AVOID: The Mixed Messenger CONSIDER: Anyone else Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.

I Stepped On Barbie’s Head Just A Moment Ago

Not intentionally, she was just in the way, laying there on the floor as I was getting into the tub. It’s her own fault.

I just finished coloring my hair, because what better thing could one do at midnight on a Saturday night than color one’s hair? So now my bathroom looks like a crime scene. I was an idiot while coloring, I only wore gloves to do the roots, then took them off to do the refresher color so I ended up with that “Oops, I didn’t mean to kill that hooker” red all over my hands… actually down to my elbows. No matter, the hair shall look fabulous, so what if my tub was like that shower scene from Psycho?

On to other insanity!

Life is so weird sometimes. One of my best friends from high school has a mild form of stalking, in her free time at work she likes to do online searches for people we knew in high school. Then she’ll call me and tell me about the, on occasion she’ll ask me or dare me (in the case of my nemesis from hs) to e-mail them. Early in the week she called and left me a message to CALL HER NOW. I did not as I was very busy and while I was listening to her telephone message I got another phone call so I forgot to call her, so bad me, I suck. ANYWAY… I got a message on MySpace from her to CALL HER on Thursday. She tells me that she found our friend E’s page on MySpace and I have to go look. So, of course I HAVE to do that. I was all “Oh my goodness! He’s um… grown up… and um… gotten really cute!” My friend implored me to send E an e-mail (because she’s a total ‘tard and couldn’t figure out to how to do it from MySpace herself). So I did. Friday my friend calls back to see if E answered, which he hadn’t so I sent yet another message demanding his attention. It’s odd how when STALKING, HOOKERS and GROUP THERAPY are all mentioned, it gets one’s attention. So started the exchange of e-mails betwixt he and I and the phone calls from my friend. It was crazy. But a good kind of crazy. Hopefully we all can meet up soon.

Taking Out A Loan To Fill Up The Tank

Fuck, gas prices are out of control. It took $37 to fill my gas tank on my tiny little car.

Must go to work. How I hate not having AC in my car. *sigh* Think cool thoughts for me.

At 4 It’s Amuseing, At 40 It’ll Need Medication…

Cabbage Patch is insane this morning. More so than usual. The cause? Cereal. Some sugary cereal of no nutritional value that I RARELY let my offspring eat. It’s gone, that’s why she’s pissed. Super Girl had the last of the this morning. Now the world is coming to an end… because Super Girl ate the last of the cereal. How stupid of me to not know. The best part of all of this was when she walked out of the kitchen holding the empty box and said “No one eats all my Trix!” I tried HARD not to laugh but I had the Lucky Charms theme song running through my head as she looked like a deranged leprechaun! “They’re magically delicious!”

Puppet Theater Seder!

Last week the Little People and I celebrated Passover. Unlike most years when I had K’s help in preparing, this year it was just me, the Tiny Terrorists and a sock puppet. Yes a sock puppet, I needed all the help I could in keeping the attention of my offspring.

Since this was my year of doing it alone, this would be the year of the SHORT Seder instead of the one that lasts until midnight or 1 am. Luckily everything went well. The progeny sat through everything (even though Super Girl asked ever 5 minutes if it was “time to find the matzah?” or if it was “time to open the door for Elijah?”), only one glass of wine was spilled on the table, no one called my matzah balls ‘poop’ and the offspring actually ATE the meal (roasted breast of lamb and potatoes, salad, mixed veggies and matzah ball soup, with a delightful desert of chocolate topped coconut macaroons – all made by ME).

Thankfully I had a sock puppet to help out. Just about the time that the offspring were getting bored and restless and I was on the verge of snapping at them that NO, it WAS NOT time to find the fucking matzah or open the DAMN DOOR! I turned to my friend the Pets.com spokes puppet and let him take over. I’m fairly certain that his rendition of the Exodus story wouldn’t be exactly considered reverent but it DID keep my offspring riveted to the story and sitting in their seats. I don’t think I’ve ever seen two kids that excited over plagues! They were almost as excited about that as the fact that I forgot to get kosher grape juice for them so they got 4 tiny glasses of wine. I of course opted for 4 LARGE glasses of wine as I traditionally do and I’m guessing THAT is why the puppet was such and an amusing and important part of the Seder.

Anyway, I managed to get the offspring to bed shortly after 9 pm and the puppet and I passed out on the sofa after finishing off the rest of the bottle of wine.


Seder Guest


Ready for the seder


They were BIG glasses of wine.

Do NOT Fuck With Her! She Will FUCK You Up!

And she'll still be holding her Barbie.

My child is insane. I sometimes feel a twinge of guilt about her birth and wonder if that lack of oxygen is the cause of her madness. Her latest thing is to ball up her little fist, make that 'tough' face and say "You wanna piece of me?" It makes me laugh most times, you just can't take that statement seriously coming from her cerubic face.

And since yesterday she's been playing with clothes pins. It's bizarre. Today she stuck about 7 of them in her hair, which I just HAD to get a photo of. Then about 30 minutes later while K and I were having a conversation I had to stop mid sentence as I saw her with a clothes pin on both lips. A few moments ago she was doing her own version of Edward Scissor Hands with the clothes pins. Weird.

Time Out!

Damn, talk about being busy! I was so busy last week, I had this crazy notion that this week would be relaxing. HAHAHAHAHAHA! It doesn’t help that I’m completely off my schedule. K is working 3 pm until 2 am these days so that means he’s HOME for part of the day, meaning I have to totally rework my schedule. On top of that, I’m a day off. Yesterday K and I had this conversation:

Me: Oy! I have so much to do to get ready for Passover! (imagine me with the Jewish Mother accent)
Him: You have to do the Search for Chametz tonight also.
Me: No that’s tomorrow. Passover starts on Thursday night.
Him: No it starts tomorrow.
Me: *rolling my eyes at the ignorant gentile* No… it starts Thursday at sundown. On the 12th. I already checked.
Him: Judy, today is the 11th.
Me: Oh… hmm.. damn. I’m a day off.

So, yeah… whatever… It’s the story of my life. At this very moment I’m waiting for K to wake up so I can go to the store and get the last items for our fabulous Passover meal. While I wait I’ve been scanning through the Childrens Haggadah so I can adapt it with PUPPETS! This year will be the year of The Puppet Theater Passover! Hey, I’m doing this solo this year, I need all the advantages I can get and quite frankly the Tiny Terrorist give the puppet 100% of their attention where as I get about 30 seconds. 30 seconds is not enough time to get through 10 plagues AND the parting of the Red Sea.

Other things..

This past weekend was insane! But tremendous amounts of fun. It was the opening of Scarborough Faire. Due to K’s work schedule I had to bring the Tiny Terrorists with me to fair. Which meant I had to garb them! Woohoo! As usual with faire, I was up sewing until 4:30 am – both night. BUT – my offspring looked CUTE! So it was well worth the lack of sleep.

I’m not going to bore you with details of fair – Just look at the photos.

Wynde Darling just dressed!


RenJews!


Scary Cyn!


Scary Fairy!


NOT scary Fairies!


Are they ALWAYS Happy like that???


Filched Feathers! Damn I look good!


Multi tasking


Young Love... wait... too soon! Hands off little man!


Those Crazy Wenches! YMCA!


Look! It's Cher! Or... is it Sally Struthers?


Go look at Scarborough Faire photos to see the rest (click on both words to see both days)

You Kids! Get Off My Lawn!

Before...


I'm very angry right now. I don't even have time to be, I have so much to do, but I am. White hot angry. I took the Little People to have a delightful gourmet meal of McD's because the thought of cooking tonight was more nauseating than the thought of eating McD's food and I figured that if we walked to McD's and they played in the 'Migical Fun Fabulous Play Area' courtesy of Ronald McD', that they would be pretty damn tired out by the time we got home and go right to bed which would save my sanity and give me a few moments of peace.... but I digress... When we got home there was a group of 8 - 11 year olds milling around my building. They had been throwing bricks in the street and spitting on the sidewalk and when I got to my door I saw this:

After


They had knocked over one of my large planters (pictured above a few days ago with lovely green sprouts). They also had obviously stepped in two others and had messed with one other. I didn't even get to opening my door before I walked over to the 8 or 9 kids who had been cautiously watching me. I asked them who had been messing with my plants and somehow they had NO IDEA WHO had done that, even though it was obvious it had just happened (there was still wet outlines of where my planters HAD been on the cement). I told them I didn't believe them and that I thougth they had done it and that they had beter keep their fucking hands off my planters.

I know it's not the end of the fucking world, but it still pisses me off. The Little People and I have a tradition of planting things every year. Starting in January or February we start discussing what to plant and shopping for seeds. Finally we plan a special day to plant seeds. This year my offspring were especially excited about our 'garden'. Every single day they have peered into the planters searching for tiny green sprouts. Every day since the first green sprouts pushed through the dirt, they have inspected them and excitedly reported on the growth. And now... most of it is gone. *sigh*

Spring Garden!
Sprouts!


More Sprouts!


Butterfly



Damn I'm busy lately. I must have half a dozen post that I've startd and haven't finished. I keep getting interupted and when I get back to the computer i rarely have time to finish let alone the time to figure out what train of thought that unfinished post was on! Anyway, here are some photos of my 'garden'. it's off to a smashing start with everything The Tiny Terrorists and I planted actually GROWING this year. YAY!!

Other Exciting Things

K tought me how to drive a STICK SHIFT the other day. I have to say it wasn't nearly as hard as i had inticipated though it's a bit tricky to manage to stop and then start again without stalling the damn car. I must have done that about half a dozen times, and twice on the street with people behind me! Ah well life goes on, I can shift and all with no problems.

Well back to sewing and stuff, enjoy the fabulous photos of growing things and the photo of the beautiful butterfly hanging out next to the creek.

Some People Just Suck

What's up with rude people today? Was there a memo sent out that people are supposed to be RUDE today and I just didn't get it?

I'm so irritated with this one person I just had to walk away. The grandmother of a baby I was scheduled to take it's photo at noon looked me right in the eye and said "You need to be accomodating of us." after telling me that they weren't ready for the baby's photos - this is the third time to schedule with this family. I've scheduled a time to take these photos three times and they CAN NOT get their shit together, yet I'm the one who needs to be ACCOMODATING? They are wasting my time and I need to be ACCOMODATING? Whatever, she can just SUCK IT.

The other family is not nearly as rude yet still they have no respect for my time. I scheduled with her yesterday and didn't get many shots as she was tired from some vistors who just wouldn't leave. I suggest that I come back a bit later after she had her lunch and a nap. When I returned she was still napping and said we could take the photos today. This morning I step into her room to schedule the photos and she says she can't schedule a time as she has a lot of visitors coming and wants to know how she can contact me to let me know when she's available. Sorry, can't do that, I'm actually going to be WORKING and not sitting by a phone waiting for you to grant me the priveledge of being in your presence. I'll stop by before I leave and if she's not ready, she can SUCK IT too!

I Do Not Like Green Eggs And SPAM!

A can of SPAM. In my pantry. I know it sounds wrong considering me being a JEW. It’s one of the remnants abandoned to me by the temporary roommate in her hasty exit. It’s been sitting in my kitchen taunting me for months. Today I offered it to Cabbage Patch for lunch, I said “Do you want SPAM and eggs?” and she quickly said yes. Even though she had no idea WHAT SPAM is (really, who does though?), she said yes. Since she hasn’t claimed to be Jewish and her father is Christian I have no problem feeding this personally offensive meat product to my child (hey, at least she’s EATING something) – and she just informed me that she’s not Jewish or Christian she’s GREEK! Yeah… umm… okay.

As I opened the tin and plopped out the pink block of pork stuff I had images of cute little block shaped piggy creatures frolicking across a field with a big SPAM tin shaped barn in the back ground. This was a much more comforting thought of the origins of the pink block of pork than the actual meat processing plant idea with various questionable parts being ground up and squashed into bricks. Icky. SPAM piggies are cute. Questionable pig parts made into bricks is not cute.

Cabbage Patch never gave it a though she gobbled down all the slices of pig brick and asked for more. *sigh* At least it’s out of my house before Passover. (PS – I had mushrooms with MY eggs)

Other things

My child is so insane; we had this exchange this morning:

Me to naked child: You need to get dressed.
Her: Why? Is somebody coming over? (Because, ya know, that’s the only reason you should HAVE to get dressed is if someone is coming to visit.)
Me: No, you just need some clothes on. What if someone comes to the door?
Her: I’d just hide!

Later:

Me: Stop jumping on my bed!
Her: But MOM I’m doing my workout!

I Am The Jell-O Master!

In the past two days I’ve made 4 packages of Jell-O (2 red for 6 Jell-O Jiggler eggs, and 1 green and one orange for 6 more). My offspring think I’m the bomb for making Jell-O eggs. I’ve decided that I must now make many more Jell-O recipes to explore my insanity, be creative AND make a tasty snack! Insanity + Creativity + Snack = WINNER! (Or Elvis… not really sure… must recalculate some time)

All this talk of Jell-O reminded me of a time when K and I went to Kansas. I was served a delicious strawberry Jell-O desert right after taking some allergy medicine to ward off my reaction to being in Kansas. Later we went to listen to some old people play old people music at an outdoor concert where I fell asleep and had whacked out dreams of living Jell-O. I’m not sure it’s a coincidence or not, but I believe that’s the SAME trip K and I got engaged on. Hmmmm… Was it the Jell-O or was it just Kansas? (The state not the band).

Okay, enough, I must go console my offspring who is disappointed that her tongue hasn’t turned green from eating green Jell-o eggs.

Motherhood, It’s All About Teaching Valuable Lessons… Like Holding A Grudge.

I’m irritable (don’t even make any PMS jokes fuckers, I’ll find you and cut you) and I probably have NO reason what-so-ever to be irritable. But that doesn’t keep me from feeling this righteous indignation on behalf of my first born.

This morning before school, Super Girl pulls a BIRTHDAY INVITATION from her back pack and excitedly tells me it’s for (insert over used girl’s name)’s birthday. I instantly felt pissed. I also instantly knew that I really should get over it, BUT I can’t. If you recall my post about Super Girl’s Pirate Party, you will recall that NONE of her school friends came to the party and NONE of the parents even BOTHERED to RSVP with regrets (ASSHOLES). I’m still PISSED about that. I know I need to get over, I’ve already said that… yet, since it’s a slight not against myself, which I can just blow off, it’s a slight against MY FIRST BORN! And I being the very protective mother that I am, can’t let it go… I just CAN’T! (don’t worry, I’m not out for VENGENCE… other than maybe the sneaky wish that this party totally blows and that this kid blames her mother for the rest of her life for ruining her 7th birthday party. But that’s just normal, I’m not talking about anything drastic like keying her car or photoshoping photos of the mom in compromising positions with farm animals and e-mailing them to her work/family/etc. or making a voodoo doll of the mom… well maybe the voodoo doll but that would just be THERAPY for me, not a REVENGE thing.)

I’m actually shocked that I’m still pissed about the birthday thing, I’m not the type of person to hold a grudge. Except about this. In fact I won’t even talk to the mom’s of the two little girls that catch the same bus as Super Girl who were invited to her party. We don’t even catch the bus at the same place (that was Super Girl’s idea, not mine, but I’m fine with it since I’ve made a friend with a different mom who waits there with her son). I know, I’m childish and petty, I can live with that. But I digress…

I am now vacillating between actually letting my offspring go to this party for the offspring of at lease one very rude parent or of sending my regrets (with a flaming bag of dog shit on her porch).

Other crap… I really don’t have time to WRITE more right now, as I have a FILTHY house to clean, a MOUNTAIN of laundry to scale, HUNDREDS of sewing projects to finish and a CRAZY circus midget to duct tape to the stairs… er… I mean occupy with educational activities… yeah… educational activities.

BUT! I shall write more, there is much more to write about…

COMING SOON!

Spring Break Is OVER! The perilous tale of spring break and my near collapse into madness at the hands of my offspring (not really).
• Donuts with D
• Thrift Store fun
• Teddy Bear Park
• Jolly Rogers Movie Day
• Planting the ‘Garden’
• Lunch With Sable and The Wife
• “I spent $15 for what???”
• Hey! That’s MY $1 that paid for that!
• Oh yeah! I do have one of those don’t I!

Super Girl’s FABULOUS B-Day pressies just arrived!

Hanta and Bea have a new home.

Why I’m contemplating K’s brutal and painful murder and my need for a babysitter for Friday night and Sunday.

Why K is actually safe from DEATH (but no the pain… you’d be surprised what you can live through).

See! I told you I had a lot to write about! I’d do that now, but ya know, this house isn’t going to clean it’s self and so far my attempts to teach the cats to clean have all stalled at vacuuming – damn cat’s run every time they turn it on. Sheesh.

Why I Stopped At Two…

Yesterday Cabbage Patch was wrapping the strap off some luggage around herself (don’t ask why, she’s 4, there is no logical answer) and walked up to me to ask “Mamma, how do I look?” to which I answered “Weird.” Without missing a beat her older and more jaded sister replied “You look like a dork.” All I could do was laugh. Well she did look like a dork (which she was overly proud of) and I COMPLETELY remember my older sister saying shit like that to me.

Sorry To Be So Late, I Think I Spring Broke My Brain

Dear gawd, Spring Break has affected my thinking. I’m getting more sleep due to not having to get up quite so early (hey, one freaking HOUR really fucking helps… well that and I went to bed early a couple of nights, go figure) – not that it matters since most of my waking hours is spent trying to entertain or occupy a 7 year old and a 4 year old and fighting that urge just to lock them in a dog kennel for several hours at a time. Opps… did I say that out loud? Damn mental filter isn’t working so well again (ever). So yeah, I can’t think straight… seems that being well rested only makes me that much more ADD than usual and since I’m generally a little distracted… well… what was I talking about?

OH! NEW AND SHINY!

I finally got my NEW cell phone and after 6 phone calls and a visit to both the Nextel (SUCKS!) and the Sprint (they don’t suck) stores, things ARE up and running. So if you left me a message on my cell phone over the weekend, sorry, I didn’t get it... I mean I DID get it, but I couldn’t GET TO IT so I never heard it. At any rate, I totally love this new phone. It’s a camera phone. Woohoo! When you see me, you must ask to see my screen saver on my phone, I took that photo – it’s too funny. Don’t ask me to SEND you the photo… I don’t think I can, I think that’d cost me more money… I’m not even sure I can upload the photo on my computer. See I kind of lost the instruction manual already. I read one page and I’ve lost it. No, really I did. I’m sure it’s here somewhere, I’ll find it eventually. Anyway, it makes me laugh.

Scoring A 0.02 – Somewhere Between Useless and Dying

Monday was the MOST FUN EVER in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD. (sarcasm) Being the first Monday of SPRING BREAK, I had all these grand plans of things to do with the offspring that would keep them entertained and keep me sane. Yeah, whatever. I have no idea why I ever really PLAN things out. I LOVE plans but I really do love SPONTANEOUS too. And when it comes right down to it, in a choice between being the grown up with set plans, I’m more likely to be the ADD 5 year old who just ate 3 frosted cupcakes spontaneous. Not always, but a lot of the time. New fun can be more fun than old fun, but not always but I’m always curious to find out. Wait… what was I talking about... Oh yeah… Monday…

So MONDAY the plan was to do gardening. That’s what I had thought out and planned. To plant our garden. I bought new seeds and new tiny shovels for the progeny. Monday morning I realized the error of my planning. That planting out ‘garden’ (about 5 planters) would take a total of 30 minutes if we took out time. Ahhh… hmmm… must improvise. And by improvise I mean put DVD’s on and hope they would sit there and be occupied until early afternoon when we’d go plant. I had actually planned a trip to the park with a picnic but for some fucked up reason it was COLD and WINDY Monday so umm… no. So after the first DVD got boring we spent the rest of the morning doing laundry and let me tell you, KIDS LOVE DOING LAUNDRY! Well not really, so the morning involved a lot of yelling and whining and cursing. Finally after short naps, we PLANT the GARDEN between gusts of wind. Now here’s the FUN part of the day! After planting the headache I’d had most of the day decided to become a MIGRAINE! Woohoo! I spend the rest of the evening shushing the progeny who are by now WOUND up and RUNNING WILD. I message K desperately begging him to make time go faster and get home NOW. He promised to take the offspring with him to his political thingy that night so I could feign death on the couch until I didn’t have the urge to vomit every time I moved. Eventually he got home and drug Chaos and Destruction off with him. The world improved. The end of Monday.

I’ll add more to this later… I need to go rinse my hair because I stopped mid paragraph and had to put color on my hair.