I HEART WalMart!
Where else am I going to see a baby with a spiked mohawk in the middle of the day?
Where else am I going to have a woman with 5 bratty kids glare at me because one of my children dared walk in front of her basket?
Where else am I going to end up boxed in by old people while looking for migraine medicine?
Where else am I going to be able to get Kool-aid AND poison and only have to be approved to by the BATHROOM CLEANER? (Jim Jones eat your heart out.)
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Summer Vacation…
With summer vacation coming to an end soon, people keep asking me “So, how are you liking summer vacation?” I know they THINK they are being funny, but in reality they are just ASKING for me to remove their still beating heart with a very dull spoon and show it to them before throwing their lifeless body off an over pass. Really, they are.
Back in May as summer vacation quickly approached I had delirious hopes of schedules and crafts and play dates and fun adventures. Towards the end of May I was back in the REAL world, dreading the start of summer vacation just like all the other parents. I’m not sure why I thought it would be dreamy and fantastic when the two week Winter Insanity break usually leaves me needing a 12 step program by day 3. At that point I made a half-hearted attempt to find summer activities to sign up my offspring for and to give me some much needed peace and quiet. Sadly all the day labor places refuse to take them based on age and lack of experience and all the child labor places were already full up with Cathy Lee’s work force. Damn it. I was even willing to forfeit their ‘generous’ pay in lieu of having to pack them a lunch every day.
I realized that I was now going to be forced to entertain my own children for the whole fucking summer. At that point I could see a Betty Ford Treatment center vacation for me in August. Luckily things have turned out much better than anticipated. I haven’t had the urge every day to drink an entire bottle of vodka for breakfast (I try to keep that just for special occasions or 3 times a week, whatever comes first) and I stopped gun and ammo shopping online after the 3rd week. I’ve also almost completely stopped waking up screaming at nights.
This summer has afforded my offspring many exciting challenges and adventures and has taught me that occasionally I’m much more patient than I ever thought. It’s been educational for my progeny, though not in the ways I had anticipated.
The first wonderful incident… er… um... adventure, was the painting project for my grandmother’s 75th birthday. D and I spent a whole fucking week crouched over a tiny table full of paint bottles and glitter as the offspring occasionally painted with us but mostly just made messes and watched DVD’s. Very educational also, they learned that hard work pays off and as long as mommy is busy they can watch as many DVD’s as they want and probably eat all of the popsicles before mom notices.
Next was the fabulous day trip to Burnett to spend time with family and celebrate the grandmother’s 75th birthday. Dear gawd make it stop! The offspring got to spend time with some cousins they never get to see and mommy got to down 5 vodka tonics and 2 shots of premium vodka and still wouldn’t let them have a whole Coke to drink. What did they learn? Aunt D can’t always talk her way out of a ticket, Grandma has scary psychotic dogs, Grandpa talks a lot and drinks a lot, mommy drinks a lot around family and HOLY FUCK the spiders are HUGE out there!
And the next week was Help A Sista’ Out week! That was the week I got to help D move from one apartment to the next. Yeah that was great. What did they learn? Mommy is a bitch and orders everyone around.
The next week was take a little break week and let’s clean this fucking apartment week. During that week their room was completely cleaned through forced slave labor of my own offspring. Let me just tell you. They hated every minute of it. What did they learn? Not only is mommy a bitch who orders everyone around, but so is Aunt D!
Interspersed with all this exciting adventure has been dog watching (YAY Coco!), swimming, camping and tubing, many days of being grounded, steaming cleaning the carpet, walks in the park, 100 million questions a day (at least half the same damn question), a birthday party complete with bad pizza and good rides and the daily counting of the days until school starts (by me) and daily fights between the offspring. Hey, I never said this was the happiest place on earth did I?
Things I’ve learned for next year:
• I need to start on antidepressants about a month before school ends… if not within days of school starting.
• I need to sign up the kids for summer activities sooner than the middle of MAY.
• I really need to secure ‘vacation’ time for the kids with some foolish family member for next summer – I really REALLY miss them being gone for a week to visit Grandma (damn the luck that my grandmother would be in declining health now that she’s 75, that’s very inconsiderate of her ya know).
• I need to start on antidepressants sooner… on did I already mention that… hmmm... go figure.
• My kids will NEVER stop having NAP time. I don’t care if they are 30; I’m still putting them down for a nap every day.
Seriously, it hasn’t been horrible; though I am SOOO looking forward to the start of school it’s almost criminal.
Must run, gotta start on that second bottle of Vodka before they wake from naps.
With summer vacation coming to an end soon, people keep asking me “So, how are you liking summer vacation?” I know they THINK they are being funny, but in reality they are just ASKING for me to remove their still beating heart with a very dull spoon and show it to them before throwing their lifeless body off an over pass. Really, they are.
Back in May as summer vacation quickly approached I had delirious hopes of schedules and crafts and play dates and fun adventures. Towards the end of May I was back in the REAL world, dreading the start of summer vacation just like all the other parents. I’m not sure why I thought it would be dreamy and fantastic when the two week Winter Insanity break usually leaves me needing a 12 step program by day 3. At that point I made a half-hearted attempt to find summer activities to sign up my offspring for and to give me some much needed peace and quiet. Sadly all the day labor places refuse to take them based on age and lack of experience and all the child labor places were already full up with Cathy Lee’s work force. Damn it. I was even willing to forfeit their ‘generous’ pay in lieu of having to pack them a lunch every day.
I realized that I was now going to be forced to entertain my own children for the whole fucking summer. At that point I could see a Betty Ford Treatment center vacation for me in August. Luckily things have turned out much better than anticipated. I haven’t had the urge every day to drink an entire bottle of vodka for breakfast (I try to keep that just for special occasions or 3 times a week, whatever comes first) and I stopped gun and ammo shopping online after the 3rd week. I’ve also almost completely stopped waking up screaming at nights.
This summer has afforded my offspring many exciting challenges and adventures and has taught me that occasionally I’m much more patient than I ever thought. It’s been educational for my progeny, though not in the ways I had anticipated.
The first wonderful incident… er… um... adventure, was the painting project for my grandmother’s 75th birthday. D and I spent a whole fucking week crouched over a tiny table full of paint bottles and glitter as the offspring occasionally painted with us but mostly just made messes and watched DVD’s. Very educational also, they learned that hard work pays off and as long as mommy is busy they can watch as many DVD’s as they want and probably eat all of the popsicles before mom notices.
Next was the fabulous day trip to Burnett to spend time with family and celebrate the grandmother’s 75th birthday. Dear gawd make it stop! The offspring got to spend time with some cousins they never get to see and mommy got to down 5 vodka tonics and 2 shots of premium vodka and still wouldn’t let them have a whole Coke to drink. What did they learn? Aunt D can’t always talk her way out of a ticket, Grandma has scary psychotic dogs, Grandpa talks a lot and drinks a lot, mommy drinks a lot around family and HOLY FUCK the spiders are HUGE out there!
And the next week was Help A Sista’ Out week! That was the week I got to help D move from one apartment to the next. Yeah that was great. What did they learn? Mommy is a bitch and orders everyone around.
The next week was take a little break week and let’s clean this fucking apartment week. During that week their room was completely cleaned through forced slave labor of my own offspring. Let me just tell you. They hated every minute of it. What did they learn? Not only is mommy a bitch who orders everyone around, but so is Aunt D!
Interspersed with all this exciting adventure has been dog watching (YAY Coco!), swimming, camping and tubing, many days of being grounded, steaming cleaning the carpet, walks in the park, 100 million questions a day (at least half the same damn question), a birthday party complete with bad pizza and good rides and the daily counting of the days until school starts (by me) and daily fights between the offspring. Hey, I never said this was the happiest place on earth did I?
Things I’ve learned for next year:
• I need to start on antidepressants about a month before school ends… if not within days of school starting.
• I need to sign up the kids for summer activities sooner than the middle of MAY.
• I really need to secure ‘vacation’ time for the kids with some foolish family member for next summer – I really REALLY miss them being gone for a week to visit Grandma (damn the luck that my grandmother would be in declining health now that she’s 75, that’s very inconsiderate of her ya know).
• I need to start on antidepressants sooner… on did I already mention that… hmmm... go figure.
• My kids will NEVER stop having NAP time. I don’t care if they are 30; I’m still putting them down for a nap every day.
Seriously, it hasn’t been horrible; though I am SOOO looking forward to the start of school it’s almost criminal.
Must run, gotta start on that second bottle of Vodka before they wake from naps.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Random Shit
85 % of all life on this planet is plankton… I think I’m plankton.
“US to scale back mad cow surveillance program” That headline just gave me the giggles as I thought of CIA men standing in pastures among the cows radioing back and forth to each other “Everything looks good here”.
Living Will
Last night I tried to escape my family by sneaking off to the bathroom to sit in a bath and read. My escape attempts were thwarted by my offspring who found me and decided that I needed constant and talkative companionship. (now earlier that morning the progeny had deemed my bathroom off limits as they saw a BIG BUG in there, so I THOUGHT the imminent threat of a BIG BUG would deter them.) First up was Super Girl who had to ask me if I was afraid of the BIG BUG (no), what would I do if the BIG BUG got into my bath (scream), that she was afraid of the BIG BUG (no kidding) but was going to sit on the toilet seat and chat with me anyway (darn). THEN she started up with ‘When you die, can I have your…’ I stopped her and asked her WHY she was asking that and she just asked it again. I decided not to give her any incentive to bump me off so soon so I told her that when she was a grown up she could buy one for herself and to not get any ideas. Next thing you know Cabbage Patch is in the bathroom and she’s wondering if she can take a bath with me (NO!) then she wants to know if I’m reading (trying to, now leave). I finally did convince them to leave about the time my bath was getting cold. *sigh* Today out of the blue Cabbage Patch pointed to something and started in with the “When you die, can I have your…” I just stopped and looked at her then asked if she was planning to kill me soon. So people, if I die in a suspicious play-doh accident in the near future, you’ll know why!
85 % of all life on this planet is plankton… I think I’m plankton.
“US to scale back mad cow surveillance program” That headline just gave me the giggles as I thought of CIA men standing in pastures among the cows radioing back and forth to each other “Everything looks good here”.
Living Will
Last night I tried to escape my family by sneaking off to the bathroom to sit in a bath and read. My escape attempts were thwarted by my offspring who found me and decided that I needed constant and talkative companionship. (now earlier that morning the progeny had deemed my bathroom off limits as they saw a BIG BUG in there, so I THOUGHT the imminent threat of a BIG BUG would deter them.) First up was Super Girl who had to ask me if I was afraid of the BIG BUG (no), what would I do if the BIG BUG got into my bath (scream), that she was afraid of the BIG BUG (no kidding) but was going to sit on the toilet seat and chat with me anyway (darn). THEN she started up with ‘When you die, can I have your…’ I stopped her and asked her WHY she was asking that and she just asked it again. I decided not to give her any incentive to bump me off so soon so I told her that when she was a grown up she could buy one for herself and to not get any ideas. Next thing you know Cabbage Patch is in the bathroom and she’s wondering if she can take a bath with me (NO!) then she wants to know if I’m reading (trying to, now leave). I finally did convince them to leave about the time my bath was getting cold. *sigh* Today out of the blue Cabbage Patch pointed to something and started in with the “When you die, can I have your…” I just stopped and looked at her then asked if she was planning to kill me soon. So people, if I die in a suspicious play-doh accident in the near future, you’ll know why!
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Horoscope for: Saturday, July 15, 2006
Judy,
You might not be as outgoing today as you usually are, but this is not a cause for worry or alarm. You have made it through a powerful wave of emotions and now it's time to integrate your feelings rather than distracting yourself with something else. Let others know that there is nothing wrong and that they don't need to do anything to make you happier. You may just need a little time to yourself.
*******
Or maybe my cell phone is just off right now... *sigh* Don't try to call me on my cell, it's pointless as I'll won't get the call. Call my house phone or send me an e-mail. *pout*
Judy,
You might not be as outgoing today as you usually are, but this is not a cause for worry or alarm. You have made it through a powerful wave of emotions and now it's time to integrate your feelings rather than distracting yourself with something else. Let others know that there is nothing wrong and that they don't need to do anything to make you happier. You may just need a little time to yourself.
*******
Or maybe my cell phone is just off right now... *sigh* Don't try to call me on my cell, it's pointless as I'll won't get the call. Call my house phone or send me an e-mail. *pout*
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Sleep Interrupted
Last night the fire alarms in the building started going off for no damn reason. At 1:45 am. And they kept going off until about 2:30 am. Luckily I was awake because it was really LOUD in all the bedrooms and probably would have made me either have a heart attack or wet my bed, neither of which would have been good.
When the alarms were quieted and the Little People sent back to bed, K went outside because he thought there was a fire truck here and he’s hot for fire fighters. After he came back inside I asked if in fact there WERE fire fighters outside and he said yes, so I had to go out – what? Fire fighters are HOT.
I walk to the end of the sidewalk and look at the fire truck with HOT men sitting on it and one of them starts walking towards me. I’m thinking “Shit! I look totally white trash and here he comes!” He starts asking me questions about if I know where the maintenance man lives because they shut down the alarm but he needs to come reset it, yadda, yadda, yadda. In the course of the conversation I ask him if he knows the fire fighter who delivered Cabbage Patch and he said yes, then I (like the dork I am) say “He delivered my little girl.” And he says “Yeah, I know, I was there. I thought you looked familiar.” I’m all “Oh shit! Yes you are! I remember you! You were the one who put the placenta in the Blockbuster bag. Yeah I look different with clothes on and all. Yadda, yadda, yadda…” Now before I continue any further, let me clarify things: 5 years ago I went into labor at home, it was unexpectedly QUICK and the baby was breach with feet presenting first, necessitating a call to 911 which brought the entire manpower of station 3 to my house and in my kitchen to witness one fire fighter deliver and revive my youngest child. Because I work at the hospital near by and I’ve been unlucky enough to have two wrecks locally in the past 5 years, I’ve run into various fire fighters who were standing around in my kitchen that night. Invariably I ALWAYS look schlumpy or otherwise crappy when this happens! I mean it’s hard to look much worse than a naked walrus giving birth on a living room floor, though bleeding from a cut above my eye after totaling my car was a close second. But I digress, I told him that her birthday is TODAY (Happy Birthday Cabbage Patch!) and he was all impressed. He told me that all those fire fighters who had been standing in my kitchen were still at the same station and yadda, yadda, yadda.
I finally got to bed and good lord the wee people were up at 8 am ready for a birthday party! But that’s another story. ;)
Last night the fire alarms in the building started going off for no damn reason. At 1:45 am. And they kept going off until about 2:30 am. Luckily I was awake because it was really LOUD in all the bedrooms and probably would have made me either have a heart attack or wet my bed, neither of which would have been good.
When the alarms were quieted and the Little People sent back to bed, K went outside because he thought there was a fire truck here and he’s hot for fire fighters. After he came back inside I asked if in fact there WERE fire fighters outside and he said yes, so I had to go out – what? Fire fighters are HOT.
I walk to the end of the sidewalk and look at the fire truck with HOT men sitting on it and one of them starts walking towards me. I’m thinking “Shit! I look totally white trash and here he comes!” He starts asking me questions about if I know where the maintenance man lives because they shut down the alarm but he needs to come reset it, yadda, yadda, yadda. In the course of the conversation I ask him if he knows the fire fighter who delivered Cabbage Patch and he said yes, then I (like the dork I am) say “He delivered my little girl.” And he says “Yeah, I know, I was there. I thought you looked familiar.” I’m all “Oh shit! Yes you are! I remember you! You were the one who put the placenta in the Blockbuster bag. Yeah I look different with clothes on and all. Yadda, yadda, yadda…” Now before I continue any further, let me clarify things: 5 years ago I went into labor at home, it was unexpectedly QUICK and the baby was breach with feet presenting first, necessitating a call to 911 which brought the entire manpower of station 3 to my house and in my kitchen to witness one fire fighter deliver and revive my youngest child. Because I work at the hospital near by and I’ve been unlucky enough to have two wrecks locally in the past 5 years, I’ve run into various fire fighters who were standing around in my kitchen that night. Invariably I ALWAYS look schlumpy or otherwise crappy when this happens! I mean it’s hard to look much worse than a naked walrus giving birth on a living room floor, though bleeding from a cut above my eye after totaling my car was a close second. But I digress, I told him that her birthday is TODAY (Happy Birthday Cabbage Patch!) and he was all impressed. He told me that all those fire fighters who had been standing in my kitchen were still at the same station and yadda, yadda, yadda.
I finally got to bed and good lord the wee people were up at 8 am ready for a birthday party! But that’s another story. ;)
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
My Stupid Photos and Workin' it
Sunday D came over to pick up the dogs and we got into a conversation over goofy MySpace photos of someone me know so we had to take some goofy ass photos and get all the 'angles'. Here are some that weren't to marred by our laughter. I'll be posting some of this stupid shit on the profile, don't worry.
green
Goofy Me
So Tired...
Yes, yes, I know we are stupid... you should see the photos that I WON'T post!
Moving on... I started working out again. It's about damn time - It's been over a year since I worked out reguarly. I'm sore today, but what the hell I feel better and hopefully my ass will get smaller. ;)
Sunday D came over to pick up the dogs and we got into a conversation over goofy MySpace photos of someone me know so we had to take some goofy ass photos and get all the 'angles'. Here are some that weren't to marred by our laughter. I'll be posting some of this stupid shit on the profile, don't worry.
green
Goofy Me
So Tired...
Yes, yes, I know we are stupid... you should see the photos that I WON'T post!
Moving on... I started working out again. It's about damn time - It's been over a year since I worked out reguarly. I'm sore today, but what the hell I feel better and hopefully my ass will get smaller. ;)
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Things People Say...
A random sampling of things that have been said to me or by me recently:
Him: You know who I bet gives a good blow job?
Her (eye brows raised): Oh, do tell.
Him: Judy. I bet she gives a damn good blow job.
Her (giggling): Wouldn't know.
Him: Yeah, she probably does. Damn I'm drunk.
(Of course I do though he'll never find out, and yes he was drunk)
"Oh yeah, you think you are funny don't you? Regular Chuckles The Fucking Clown." (actually D and I say this to each other all the time)
"I could really use a militant lesbian trainer."
*sniffle* *sniffle*
"What? I'm not even yelling at you!"
"I know you are gonna!" *sniffle* *sniffle*
"Oh sorry, I was just having an antacid flashback.
"Well what do they have in that store?"
"Books."
"Well what kind of books?"
"Books... it's a book store... they have all kinds of books."
"Well, maybe we'll just wait out here then."
"Damn it, she must know me and how vain I am."
Them: Someone is asking me on a date tonight. I'm just unsure about taking it.
Me: Is he a serial killer?
Them: He's a Rennie, so yes.
"Wow! It looks you had a small dog cut off your head. You look good though."
"You don't need a new life. You just got a new job, got a new hair cut and got rid of a bad boyfriend! Everything sounds great now!"
"No, no I think I'd be a squirrel if I was an animal. I'm a little hyper at times and I like to save things. Just think of that crap in my room as a pile of nuts. A big pile of nuts, but whatever. I'd make a really cute squirrel; I've got the hair for it. What? I do. I need more coffee."
"I think I'm getting depressed. I'm kind of on the verge of being depressed. It's either that or I'm extremely bored... or I'm just not drinking enough coffee."
"...now I'm just nauseated."
"It's okay, ugly, sleazy woman have a way of turning one's stomach."
Her: I would just like to state for the record. I hate dialup
Her: I want to shot the computer right now.
Me: yes dial up is something like purgatory
Me: it's one of the levels of hell for sure
Her: well its free... but the cost is my sanity
Her: ugh, I can feel the grease clogging my arteries
Me: Does it tickle?
Other randomness...
The tube trip is soon and I'm now having doubts about whether I shall go or not. I WANT to go, but I'm thinking I should really be the responsible type parent person and not go since it's a month until school starts (YAY! Summer Vacation is ALMOST over!) and I still have to buy school supplies (ack!) and school clothes for both Chaos and Destruction. A weekend of hanging out with my friends getting drunk and sunburned sounds magical, but I may just have to say now. Gawd, I don't know. Sometimes I hate being a grown up.
A random sampling of things that have been said to me or by me recently:
Him: You know who I bet gives a good blow job?
Her (eye brows raised): Oh, do tell.
Him: Judy. I bet she gives a damn good blow job.
Her (giggling): Wouldn't know.
Him: Yeah, she probably does. Damn I'm drunk.
(Of course I do though he'll never find out, and yes he was drunk)
"Oh yeah, you think you are funny don't you? Regular Chuckles The Fucking Clown." (actually D and I say this to each other all the time)
"I could really use a militant lesbian trainer."
*sniffle* *sniffle*
"What? I'm not even yelling at you!"
"I know you are gonna!" *sniffle* *sniffle*
"Oh sorry, I was just having an antacid flashback.
"Well what do they have in that store?"
"Books."
"Well what kind of books?"
"Books... it's a book store... they have all kinds of books."
"Well, maybe we'll just wait out here then."
"Damn it, she must know me and how vain I am."
Them: Someone is asking me on a date tonight. I'm just unsure about taking it.
Me: Is he a serial killer?
Them: He's a Rennie, so yes.
"Wow! It looks you had a small dog cut off your head. You look good though."
"You don't need a new life. You just got a new job, got a new hair cut and got rid of a bad boyfriend! Everything sounds great now!"
"No, no I think I'd be a squirrel if I was an animal. I'm a little hyper at times and I like to save things. Just think of that crap in my room as a pile of nuts. A big pile of nuts, but whatever. I'd make a really cute squirrel; I've got the hair for it. What? I do. I need more coffee."
"I think I'm getting depressed. I'm kind of on the verge of being depressed. It's either that or I'm extremely bored... or I'm just not drinking enough coffee."
"...now I'm just nauseated."
"It's okay, ugly, sleazy woman have a way of turning one's stomach."
Her: I would just like to state for the record. I hate dialup
Her: I want to shot the computer right now.
Me: yes dial up is something like purgatory
Me: it's one of the levels of hell for sure
Her: well its free... but the cost is my sanity
Her: ugh, I can feel the grease clogging my arteries
Me: Does it tickle?
Other randomness...
The tube trip is soon and I'm now having doubts about whether I shall go or not. I WANT to go, but I'm thinking I should really be the responsible type parent person and not go since it's a month until school starts (YAY! Summer Vacation is ALMOST over!) and I still have to buy school supplies (ack!) and school clothes for both Chaos and Destruction. A weekend of hanging out with my friends getting drunk and sunburned sounds magical, but I may just have to say now. Gawd, I don't know. Sometimes I hate being a grown up.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Things That Make You Go Hmmmmm...
I just finished taking a photo for a lovely couple... I think they may have been cousins. The father was so country (or kountry) I couldn't believe my eyes. Dad was wearing Dickey's denim cover alls, a plaid shirt, cap with some hunting logo on it and work boots, all he needed was hayseed to complete the look because everything else from the way he talked to the kind of dull look on his face fit the sterotype. He was totally nice, but DAMN Gomer! Don't wear that shit out in public!
I just finished taking a photo for a lovely couple... I think they may have been cousins. The father was so country (or kountry) I couldn't believe my eyes. Dad was wearing Dickey's denim cover alls, a plaid shirt, cap with some hunting logo on it and work boots, all he needed was hayseed to complete the look because everything else from the way he talked to the kind of dull look on his face fit the sterotype. He was totally nice, but DAMN Gomer! Don't wear that shit out in public!
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Insanity They Name Is Family
Someone needs to bring me some gasoline and a match. I just saw TWO spiders in my laundry room! TWO! Not one, but ONE and a FRIEND or ONE on a DATE and we all know what that means right? It means that that one spider has friends and family and I am not prepared for a spiders friends and family plan going on in my domicile. So… my only reasonable action is to burn the laundry room and never return to it. Just brick it in. Of course that will make it difficult as far as clothing but I have a solution for that also. At first I just figured I’d buy new clothes when I ran out of the clean ones I have now, but then I realized I’d have that LAUNDRY problem again so I’d have to ENTER the LAUNDRY ROOM again or go to a LAUNDROMAT, which is obviously out of the question as it’s obvious that SPIDERS are attracted to washing machines so, no can do. So I’ve decided that I’ll just buy paper towels in bulk and wrap myself in them. It’ll work fine as long as I stay out of the rain.
Now With More Dogs!
Very soon I’ll have in my possession TWO dogs! D will be dropping off Coco and her brother A for the weekend. A is a very cool rottie mix. Don’t worry there will be photos! I shall take photos of them both! Even though I believe Toast sees my taking interesting photos of the dogs as exploitive and degrading to the dogs… yeah… WHATEVER! I know for a FACT that A is dieing of jealousy about Coco’s photos and is just so excited about all his upcoming photo shoots!
Moving Right Along…
My brother is moving to the area. My sister is going to go to Tenn. With our uncle to move him here. What a freaking joy.
Okay, enough. Off to eat some banana bread!
Someone needs to bring me some gasoline and a match. I just saw TWO spiders in my laundry room! TWO! Not one, but ONE and a FRIEND or ONE on a DATE and we all know what that means right? It means that that one spider has friends and family and I am not prepared for a spiders friends and family plan going on in my domicile. So… my only reasonable action is to burn the laundry room and never return to it. Just brick it in. Of course that will make it difficult as far as clothing but I have a solution for that also. At first I just figured I’d buy new clothes when I ran out of the clean ones I have now, but then I realized I’d have that LAUNDRY problem again so I’d have to ENTER the LAUNDRY ROOM again or go to a LAUNDROMAT, which is obviously out of the question as it’s obvious that SPIDERS are attracted to washing machines so, no can do. So I’ve decided that I’ll just buy paper towels in bulk and wrap myself in them. It’ll work fine as long as I stay out of the rain.
Now With More Dogs!
Very soon I’ll have in my possession TWO dogs! D will be dropping off Coco and her brother A for the weekend. A is a very cool rottie mix. Don’t worry there will be photos! I shall take photos of them both! Even though I believe Toast sees my taking interesting photos of the dogs as exploitive and degrading to the dogs… yeah… WHATEVER! I know for a FACT that A is dieing of jealousy about Coco’s photos and is just so excited about all his upcoming photo shoots!
Moving Right Along…
My brother is moving to the area. My sister is going to go to Tenn. With our uncle to move him here. What a freaking joy.
Okay, enough. Off to eat some banana bread!
Camping With The Tiny Terrorists
A couple of weekends ago I took the little people on their FIRST camping trip! I had coordinated this venture with The Wife and Captain John and there would be tubeing down the river as well as CAMPING.
For weeks leading up to the actual event, the offspring were giddy with excitement at the thought of CAMPING and tubeing. I used this as leverage to force my progeny into submission, the mere threat of missing the trip was often enough to quiet even the most persistent whining. Life was good.
The day to leave arrived and the swan into the car and drove over to Captain John’s house. The Tiny Terrorists were quite helpful in getting out stuff loaded into the RV. After the loading and all we picked up The Wife from work and we were OFF! The fun part happened then. The progeny started the “Are we there YET?” about an hour into the drive. Joy.
Eventually we arrived at the camping area and were utterly astonished by the sheer number of GRASSHOPPERS. I honestly wouldn’t have been surprised if the river had turned to blood what with the plague of locusts! I’m not fond of grasshoppers and my tiniest of offspring is afraid of well… All bugs! So this was FUN! I mean fun if you consider dealing with a shrieking child fun. THEN we got to put the tent up, which the offspring were rather excited about for some damn reason, I didn’t care, it made the shrieking stop! The tent went up with out incident then we all donned swim suits and headed to the river to play in the water.
The water was fine except really low. There was one deep area which we did drag the Tiny Terrorist to and this was fine with Super Girl, Cabbage Patch on the other had insisted she was going to drown unless she was firmly attached to an adult much like a scared cat clinging to a tree branch for dear life. No one drown but Super Girl did learn to sort of swim with her face in the water which very much did look like she was going to drown. When this got really tiresome, we went back to the camp site and met up with the rest of our camping group who had just arrived.
Wynde Darling and MacGyver Ho had arrived and were setting up camp. I took this opportunity to cause further mental trauma to my offspring by taking them to shower in the bath house! Woohoo! Their first public shower! But FIRST we had to GET to the bath house. We had to walk across a field area and as we walked the grasshoppers would scatter which caused much squealing and “Mommy I need you!”s from Cabbage Patch. It must have taken 10 minutes to get to the bath house and it was only a 2 minute walk! Arriving was just frightening for the progeny as there were BUGS in the building and BUGS in the shower area. Both of them balked at getting into the shower that afforded us very little privacy other than a badly hung shower curtain but me being the good mother that I am I told the suck it up and get in the damn shower. Quite honestly it was creepy and really gross and the big ass spider that was hanging out under the sink was giving me a nervous tick, but we needed showers and I had already hauled our stuff to the bath house so it was going to happen.
After the shower the Tiny Terrorists practically ran out of the bath house. We had dinner and eventually everyone settled down to sleep. 1 queen sized inflatable mattress + 2 squirmy kids + me = very little sleep for me. In the middle of the night I woke as the kids were awake and complaining. I asked if they needed to go to the bathroom and both declined my offer (I honestly think at that moment Cabbage Patch would have opted for her bladder to explode rather than go back in the bathroom) so I grabbed my flashlight and headed out solo. When I had nearly reached the bath house I started to feel big fat rain drops. ‘Oh SHIT! The tent windows are unzipped!’ I thought as I dashed into the scary bathroom and took the fastest piss of my life then ran back to the tent in the dark (which in retrospect probably was not the brightest idea, but I didn’t trip over any thing so whatever). Luckily my offspring are fairly smart and had started zipping windows up in a panic as it was raining pretty hard by then. We finished zipping and settled into bed where in Super Girl looks at me and says “Camping SUCKS!” to which I sweetly answered her “Well too bad, we have another night of this so you better start likeing it!”. 10 minutes later Super Girl informs me that SHE HAS to go PEE. *sigh* out into the rain we go. Finally we are settled into bed and it’s time to sleep. It’s nice and cool in the tent from the rain and we sleep. For a couple of hours at least. Then I wake to drips of water. I turn on the flashlight and see that on both ends of the tent water has accumulated in big watery utters in the places that we didn’t tie down the rain cover. Fucking great. Not only that but right above the bed is another spot that is dripping… on... ME! I rouse my offspring and tell them we need to move the bed out of the way of the dripping. This is when I discover there are a few more drippy spots so I just try to position the bed in the least wet area, then it’s back to bed. The rain kept up until about 7 am.
The tubeing was fine, but short due to the river being really low. We all hit the river for the short trip (2 hours) and there was plenty of whining from the Tiny Terrorist. When we got to the drop off point the plan was for us to take all the tubes to the drop off point and go down the river again. I took that moment to talk to my youngest to see if she wanted to tube the river again because she was the one doing MOST of the whining the first time down. She said she wanted to stay and play on the beach so we did. Unbelievably my friends had a laps of sanity and offered to take Super Girl with them. I asked if they were serious… or drunk... and they assured me they WERE serious (and only slightly drunk) so I threatened Super Girl’s life if she misbehaved and let her go.
Cabbage Patch and I played then showered then waited for people and she wet her pants twice (that kid hated the bath house!). Everyone finally arrived back and camp. I washed the remaining child and then headed back to camp to wait for everyone to get showered. Poor exhausted Cabbage Patch curled up in a camp chair and fell asleep.
After dinner at a local Mexican place we headed back to camp and off to bed. In the tent the kids were complaining about each other touching them so I told Cabbage Patch she could sleep at the bottom of the bed which was closer to the fan. She grabbed her pillow and blanket and went to the bottom of the bed. Everyone slept. I woke in the middle of the night and turned on my flashlight to check the kids (it’s a mom thing). One in bed next to me, hogging the bed and one… wait.. where is the one that was at the bottom of the bed?!?!?!?!?! I sit up and look over the edge of the bed. She had fallen off the bed and was sound asleep on the floor. I just tossed a blanket on her and went back to sleep.
And the next day we headed home. I’ll thrill you later with the story of the fabulous sun burns! I think I’ve bored you enough for now.
A couple of weekends ago I took the little people on their FIRST camping trip! I had coordinated this venture with The Wife and Captain John and there would be tubeing down the river as well as CAMPING.
For weeks leading up to the actual event, the offspring were giddy with excitement at the thought of CAMPING and tubeing. I used this as leverage to force my progeny into submission, the mere threat of missing the trip was often enough to quiet even the most persistent whining. Life was good.
The day to leave arrived and the swan into the car and drove over to Captain John’s house. The Tiny Terrorists were quite helpful in getting out stuff loaded into the RV. After the loading and all we picked up The Wife from work and we were OFF! The fun part happened then. The progeny started the “Are we there YET?” about an hour into the drive. Joy.
Eventually we arrived at the camping area and were utterly astonished by the sheer number of GRASSHOPPERS. I honestly wouldn’t have been surprised if the river had turned to blood what with the plague of locusts! I’m not fond of grasshoppers and my tiniest of offspring is afraid of well… All bugs! So this was FUN! I mean fun if you consider dealing with a shrieking child fun. THEN we got to put the tent up, which the offspring were rather excited about for some damn reason, I didn’t care, it made the shrieking stop! The tent went up with out incident then we all donned swim suits and headed to the river to play in the water.
The water was fine except really low. There was one deep area which we did drag the Tiny Terrorist to and this was fine with Super Girl, Cabbage Patch on the other had insisted she was going to drown unless she was firmly attached to an adult much like a scared cat clinging to a tree branch for dear life. No one drown but Super Girl did learn to sort of swim with her face in the water which very much did look like she was going to drown. When this got really tiresome, we went back to the camp site and met up with the rest of our camping group who had just arrived.
Wynde Darling and MacGyver Ho had arrived and were setting up camp. I took this opportunity to cause further mental trauma to my offspring by taking them to shower in the bath house! Woohoo! Their first public shower! But FIRST we had to GET to the bath house. We had to walk across a field area and as we walked the grasshoppers would scatter which caused much squealing and “Mommy I need you!”s from Cabbage Patch. It must have taken 10 minutes to get to the bath house and it was only a 2 minute walk! Arriving was just frightening for the progeny as there were BUGS in the building and BUGS in the shower area. Both of them balked at getting into the shower that afforded us very little privacy other than a badly hung shower curtain but me being the good mother that I am I told the suck it up and get in the damn shower. Quite honestly it was creepy and really gross and the big ass spider that was hanging out under the sink was giving me a nervous tick, but we needed showers and I had already hauled our stuff to the bath house so it was going to happen.
After the shower the Tiny Terrorists practically ran out of the bath house. We had dinner and eventually everyone settled down to sleep. 1 queen sized inflatable mattress + 2 squirmy kids + me = very little sleep for me. In the middle of the night I woke as the kids were awake and complaining. I asked if they needed to go to the bathroom and both declined my offer (I honestly think at that moment Cabbage Patch would have opted for her bladder to explode rather than go back in the bathroom) so I grabbed my flashlight and headed out solo. When I had nearly reached the bath house I started to feel big fat rain drops. ‘Oh SHIT! The tent windows are unzipped!’ I thought as I dashed into the scary bathroom and took the fastest piss of my life then ran back to the tent in the dark (which in retrospect probably was not the brightest idea, but I didn’t trip over any thing so whatever). Luckily my offspring are fairly smart and had started zipping windows up in a panic as it was raining pretty hard by then. We finished zipping and settled into bed where in Super Girl looks at me and says “Camping SUCKS!” to which I sweetly answered her “Well too bad, we have another night of this so you better start likeing it!”. 10 minutes later Super Girl informs me that SHE HAS to go PEE. *sigh* out into the rain we go. Finally we are settled into bed and it’s time to sleep. It’s nice and cool in the tent from the rain and we sleep. For a couple of hours at least. Then I wake to drips of water. I turn on the flashlight and see that on both ends of the tent water has accumulated in big watery utters in the places that we didn’t tie down the rain cover. Fucking great. Not only that but right above the bed is another spot that is dripping… on... ME! I rouse my offspring and tell them we need to move the bed out of the way of the dripping. This is when I discover there are a few more drippy spots so I just try to position the bed in the least wet area, then it’s back to bed. The rain kept up until about 7 am.
The tubeing was fine, but short due to the river being really low. We all hit the river for the short trip (2 hours) and there was plenty of whining from the Tiny Terrorist. When we got to the drop off point the plan was for us to take all the tubes to the drop off point and go down the river again. I took that moment to talk to my youngest to see if she wanted to tube the river again because she was the one doing MOST of the whining the first time down. She said she wanted to stay and play on the beach so we did. Unbelievably my friends had a laps of sanity and offered to take Super Girl with them. I asked if they were serious… or drunk... and they assured me they WERE serious (and only slightly drunk) so I threatened Super Girl’s life if she misbehaved and let her go.
Cabbage Patch and I played then showered then waited for people and she wet her pants twice (that kid hated the bath house!). Everyone finally arrived back and camp. I washed the remaining child and then headed back to camp to wait for everyone to get showered. Poor exhausted Cabbage Patch curled up in a camp chair and fell asleep.
After dinner at a local Mexican place we headed back to camp and off to bed. In the tent the kids were complaining about each other touching them so I told Cabbage Patch she could sleep at the bottom of the bed which was closer to the fan. She grabbed her pillow and blanket and went to the bottom of the bed. Everyone slept. I woke in the middle of the night and turned on my flashlight to check the kids (it’s a mom thing). One in bed next to me, hogging the bed and one… wait.. where is the one that was at the bottom of the bed?!?!?!?!?! I sit up and look over the edge of the bed. She had fallen off the bed and was sound asleep on the floor. I just tossed a blanket on her and went back to sleep.
And the next day we headed home. I’ll thrill you later with the story of the fabulous sun burns! I think I’ve bored you enough for now.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
MOVIE REVIEW!
The Muppet Movie – 1979
The other night thanks to La Seg we had a viewing of The Muppet Movie. The Little People had never seen the movie and I hadn’t seen it since I was a wee child.
My expectations were fairly low as I realize that a movie that an 8 year old thinks is FABULOUS is not necessarily a FABULOUS movie to an adult. To my surprise I totally loved this movie and completely enjoyed it – and got all the jokes this time! And to everyone’s annoyance I sang along with most of the songs. (Oh shut up, you know you do it to… I just ADMIT that I do it)
All the cameo’s by the old school stars was cool also. And BIG BIRD! Big Bird makes a cameo; I remembered that from the movie I just never understood the joke until NOW.
It was great. If you haven’t seen this movie since you were 7 or 8, then I highly recommend that you grab some popcorn and M&M’s and rent this baby. Nostalgia can be fun.
And on to the SECOND movie! It was a double feature night!
The Pirate Movie – 1982
Ahhh a gem from the 80’s, the era know for such great movies as THE TOXIC AVENGER, 976-EVIL, GARBAGE PAIL KIDS: THE MOVIE, Howard the Duck and BREAKIN AND BREAKIN 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO.
I can’t even really get into the plot as I really couldn’t figure out exactly WHAT the plot was as I was left wondering if it was a gay soft porn (yeah, most of the pirates seemed like THOSE kind of pirates) a love story, a teen comedy or just a really huge mistake. I did however sit through the whole fucking movie just so I could SAY that I had seen each and ever moment of that movie. Luckily my perseverance paid off as the final scene involves shiny pirate pants and a gold lame’ shirt. Oh yeah. Nothing says 80’s like bad mullets (yes, yes there was at least one in the movie) and gold lame’.
My suggestion, get tanked and put that movie in. If you start to lose interest, just fast forward to the last scene.
The Muppet Movie – 1979
The other night thanks to La Seg we had a viewing of The Muppet Movie. The Little People had never seen the movie and I hadn’t seen it since I was a wee child.
My expectations were fairly low as I realize that a movie that an 8 year old thinks is FABULOUS is not necessarily a FABULOUS movie to an adult. To my surprise I totally loved this movie and completely enjoyed it – and got all the jokes this time! And to everyone’s annoyance I sang along with most of the songs. (Oh shut up, you know you do it to… I just ADMIT that I do it)
All the cameo’s by the old school stars was cool also. And BIG BIRD! Big Bird makes a cameo; I remembered that from the movie I just never understood the joke until NOW.
It was great. If you haven’t seen this movie since you were 7 or 8, then I highly recommend that you grab some popcorn and M&M’s and rent this baby. Nostalgia can be fun.
And on to the SECOND movie! It was a double feature night!
The Pirate Movie – 1982
Ahhh a gem from the 80’s, the era know for such great movies as THE TOXIC AVENGER, 976-EVIL, GARBAGE PAIL KIDS: THE MOVIE, Howard the Duck and BREAKIN AND BREAKIN 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO.
I can’t even really get into the plot as I really couldn’t figure out exactly WHAT the plot was as I was left wondering if it was a gay soft porn (yeah, most of the pirates seemed like THOSE kind of pirates) a love story, a teen comedy or just a really huge mistake. I did however sit through the whole fucking movie just so I could SAY that I had seen each and ever moment of that movie. Luckily my perseverance paid off as the final scene involves shiny pirate pants and a gold lame’ shirt. Oh yeah. Nothing says 80’s like bad mullets (yes, yes there was at least one in the movie) and gold lame’.
My suggestion, get tanked and put that movie in. If you start to lose interest, just fast forward to the last scene.
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Professional Courtesy
I love my job, I love my job, I love my job... Today that's my mantra to keep me from ending up in a clock tower with a rifle.
I've been a baby photographer for nearly 5 years. I take damn good photos and I make damn good sales, I work hard at what I do and I love my job... for the most part. At this very moment I'm glad to be out of my client's room. I'm taking photos of her baby and I'm about to do some shots with the father and the mom says, "Ya know, I don't think we really need that. I'm just getting these done so people can see him now. I'm going to get some done by a professional later." My impulse was to call her a bitch and just walk out, but I didn't do that... I'm a professional, I know that pissing off the client doesn't make them want to buy photos so I just asked her if she was sure and nicely pointed out to her that I AM a professional and these are PROFESSIONAL photos. I was pissed, so pissed I didn't even let her see the photos I took even though she ordered. I was so insulted... still am. Whatever... I'll shake it off now... *her baby looks like a salamander though. ;)
* not really. She's still an ignorant ho though.
I love my job, I love my job, I love my job... Today that's my mantra to keep me from ending up in a clock tower with a rifle.
I've been a baby photographer for nearly 5 years. I take damn good photos and I make damn good sales, I work hard at what I do and I love my job... for the most part. At this very moment I'm glad to be out of my client's room. I'm taking photos of her baby and I'm about to do some shots with the father and the mom says, "Ya know, I don't think we really need that. I'm just getting these done so people can see him now. I'm going to get some done by a professional later." My impulse was to call her a bitch and just walk out, but I didn't do that... I'm a professional, I know that pissing off the client doesn't make them want to buy photos so I just asked her if she was sure and nicely pointed out to her that I AM a professional and these are PROFESSIONAL photos. I was pissed, so pissed I didn't even let her see the photos I took even though she ordered. I was so insulted... still am. Whatever... I'll shake it off now... *her baby looks like a salamander though. ;)
* not really. She's still an ignorant ho though.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Thrilling Thursday
I know I promised to post photos of cool art work of mine (painted eggs) and detail the camping/tubing trip with the Tiny Terrorist, but fuck that, I’m not in the mood. I’m having a foul day and I don’t have near enough duct tape to make it a passable and less stressful day.
I’m cleaning. I have a stupid Pampered Chef party tonight and I have friends coming over to eat food and talk and pretend to be interested in expensive yet cool kitchen stuff. I’m stressing because I’m the only person in this fucking house who cleans. I mean really CLEANS, not just loads a dish washer and takes out a bag of trash. I mean put things in the right place, vacuum carpets, wipe counters and mop the floors. No one has REALLY CLEANED this place since November – yes November, gawd help me. So I’m CLEANING, REALLY CLEANING so that my friends who love me and know me don’t think I’m an utter and complete slob (though I’m sure my dear friends already know that I am a slob and they love me anyway).
This morning has consisted of me yelling at the Tiny Terrorist to do tasks to help with the cleaning. They have in turn hemmed and hawed and WHINED and eventually under penalty of grounding, spanking and painful death they have accomplished the tasks I have demanded of them (don’t worry, it’s nothing that would violate any child labor laws).
And now after fighting with cleaning equipment and sending children upstairs for naps I am nearing a point that my stress levels have dropped and my blood pressure has returned to normal, though I still am barking orders and yelling every time I open my mouth (you might not want to phone me right now).
Okay, my bitching is done for the moment… back to CLEANING.
I know I promised to post photos of cool art work of mine (painted eggs) and detail the camping/tubing trip with the Tiny Terrorist, but fuck that, I’m not in the mood. I’m having a foul day and I don’t have near enough duct tape to make it a passable and less stressful day.
I’m cleaning. I have a stupid Pampered Chef party tonight and I have friends coming over to eat food and talk and pretend to be interested in expensive yet cool kitchen stuff. I’m stressing because I’m the only person in this fucking house who cleans. I mean really CLEANS, not just loads a dish washer and takes out a bag of trash. I mean put things in the right place, vacuum carpets, wipe counters and mop the floors. No one has REALLY CLEANED this place since November – yes November, gawd help me. So I’m CLEANING, REALLY CLEANING so that my friends who love me and know me don’t think I’m an utter and complete slob (though I’m sure my dear friends already know that I am a slob and they love me anyway).
This morning has consisted of me yelling at the Tiny Terrorist to do tasks to help with the cleaning. They have in turn hemmed and hawed and WHINED and eventually under penalty of grounding, spanking and painful death they have accomplished the tasks I have demanded of them (don’t worry, it’s nothing that would violate any child labor laws).
And now after fighting with cleaning equipment and sending children upstairs for naps I am nearing a point that my stress levels have dropped and my blood pressure has returned to normal, though I still am barking orders and yelling every time I open my mouth (you might not want to phone me right now).
Okay, my bitching is done for the moment… back to CLEANING.
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