Things People Say...
I was their bitch for 18 years.
"If you are looking for a little Muppet action later, give me a call, I'm your girl."
I used to have a bunch of them (evening gowns) but I gave them away to a drag queen a few years ago.
"I'll sniff you and then people will TOTALLY be like 'No, no see, I told you they where lesbians!'"
Is it me or do cribs look like little jails?
Friday, August 18, 2006
Too Much Whine These Days… Need To Switch To Tequila
Today is the end of the first week of school. It’s been the best of times, it’s been the worst of times… what a fucking lie… it’s been a big pain in my ample derrière. EVERY MORNING has been filled with the melodious sound of WHINEING and ARGUEING! One morning it was about wearing the shiny shoes and not the tennis shoes, another it was over SOCKS, then there was the JEANS incident, the refusal of breakfast and finally this morning was a Hodge podge of signed papers, lunch money, hair styles, shoes and change. I swear by the time I get them off to school I’m ready to go back to bed! Or drink a lot, whatever.
This is how the week ran down so far:
MONDAY: First day of school, both progeny were dressed for school before even leaving their room. They wore matching outfits of their own choosing. Oh how cute. Then the whining started. OH THE WHINING HOW IT MADE MY HEAD ACHE! I blocked out whatever it was they were whining about, it was self preservation, my sanity was at risk. We took the offspring to school and walked them to class. My overwhelming urge to run through fields of flowers to celebrate my freedom (7:45 am until 3:50 pm M-F) was crushed by the urge to bust into tears and clutch my last born to me as the realization that my baby is going to school struck like a bullet from a drive-by shooting. I didn’t though. I sniffled and blinked a lot as she waved at me and turned happily to play with Play-Dough. REPLACED BY A CLUMP OF COLORFUL CLAY! LIFE IS NOT FAIR! Whatever. The rest of the day was to be calm and peaceful, filled with creative and useful activities but it WASN’T. I had to take K to work so I could fetch the offspring from school so that meant a nice long sweaty drive in the Easy Bake Oven. Rah! Rah! Rah! What fun. We’ll just skip the rest of the day because it was just THAT MUCH FUN (and my therapist says that reliving the traumas only prolongs my recovery). Suffice to say that it was a much less PEACEFUL and RELAXING day than I had anticipated.
TUESDAY: The FIRST day was so much FUN, why not do it AGAIN?? Another day of matching outfits of their own choosing – the cuteness was enough to make one gag. This morning brought the FUN of fighting over breakfast and the refusal to eat. Fine! Today was the first day of riding the BUS to school. The excitement was overwhelming. The got on the bus hand in hand, big sister helping little sister learn the ropes. It was so fucking cute that my head nearly exploded. Then I came back home and took a nap. Midday K has to come home so I can get the car – the offspring have vet appointments today. This involves me driving him back to work. In the 107 degree heat. The Easy Bake Oven was going to be busy! I grabbed my recipe book and headed out to take him to work, come back home, pick up kids and head to dr. office. Sounds easy right? Not so much. The dropping off of K was easy, but HOT. I stopped back at him briefly to pick up the insurance card and stuff some cloves of garlic in my pockets since I’d soon be cooking. Off to pick up the progeny from educational facility which for some damn reason took 10 minutes for them to get from class to the office. Now we are running late. Everyone in the Easy Bake! Set the timer! We are off… to sit in TRAFFIC! At 3 pm on a Tuesday! Don’t these people know that if the Easy Bake isn’t going at least 40 mph we don’t just sweat in there, we all begin to cook like chickens??? Finally we are moving and it appears we’ll only be a few minutes late to the Dr. office. Except that I can’t remember which building the office is in so we spend 10 minutes with me driving around three different buildings looking for right one, ensuring that we are all covered in sweat and in a truly delightful mood. Ah AND I forgot the shot records! So we are 30 minutes late, I forgot the shot records and we look like sweaty migrant workers. They tell us to come on back anyway. The progeny check out fine, until… The Dr. looks in Cabbage Patch’s ear and says “What’s that? I think there is something in there.” I’m all “WHAT? Tell me no.” and he’s all “Sorry mom, but I see something green.” SO the Dr. has to pull the little green BEAD out of her ear and I’m thinking “At least it’s not a snail like what Super Girl did.” One shot for the kid later, we are ready to leave. Back home, met up to get some sewing stuff and a HUGE Dr. Pepper then off to pick up K from work. Now… it was a very hot day and I had been in the Easy Bake way past my cooking time. A HUGE Dr. Pepper is really NOT the best choice of beverages to dehydrate with… at least for me. I got K and started feeling sick. Stomach cramps and the urge to hurl. I keep telling K that I’m fine all the while wondering if barfing in the empty cup in the cup holder would ruin that Family FUN time we were all having. No matter, I didn’t barf, we got home and really I should have doubled up on my Prozac for that day.
WEDNESDAY: I woke mumbling something about not going near the Easy Bake that day, then got the joy of arguing with an offspring about CLOTHES. Apparently only one of my progeny can actually MATCH their clothing – which is surprising being that their father is GAY. One would think they would both be born with an superior sense of fashion. Not so, not so. This ended with me threatening to make her wear jeans from LAST year all next week if she didn’t change into the pants that matched. It worked and I’m not sure what is more disturbing, that she was actually appalled by the thought of LAST YEARS JEANS or that I would actually make a THREAT like that!
THURSDAY: Ahhh the day of the GREAT SOCK DEBATE! 20 minutes of arguing about who’s socks they were and the stubborn refusal to even go upstairs and find the OTHER pack of socks because she was right and it didn’t matter what I said or the fact that the socks were TINY, she was right. *sigh* as if that wasn’t exciting enough the SHINY SHOE argument started right after, but ended with me just saying “Fine, fine, just wear them. You have to go catch the bus.” Seems that Cabbage Patch feels that her education is occasion enough to wear shiny black Mary Jane’s (click-clack shoes) everyday. Whatever, just go to school!
FRIDAY: Despite my doubling my Prozac and hitting the bottle first thing in the morning I could still hear the voices in my head, the horrible, frightening, whiny voices in my head (of my progeny). Today Super Girl was whining about her poison ivy rash (damn that child is a magnet for it!) and how it iches, yadda, yadda, yadda. Cabbage Patch was back to arguing about SHOES! Yes she wore the most fabulous shiny black Mary Jane’s again but today she knew that she needed to take a pair of her tennis shoes with her for PE and that is where we ran into trouble. NO she can’t take her brand new white and pink light up tennis shoes that have Velcro fasteners (gag), she wants to take her white and blue tennis shoes with blue laces… that she doesn’t know how to tie! I tried to explain that if she wanted the blue and white ones, she’d need to put them on now so I could tie them since she can’t TIE. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! There was no way in hell those shiny black Mary Jane’s were coming off her feet this morning baring me setting them on fire and prying them off of her. Finally it was to late to argue and I said “Just put some tennis shoes in your damn back pack before you miss the damn bus!” and I was thinking ‘And end up staying home driving me MAD! Just go to school! Someone can tie the damn shoes for you!’
And so they left. And it is quiet. And quiet is good. 3 more hours of quiet.
ALSO: I’ve already gotten two calls from Super Girls teacher this week – one for bus information because little Miss Know It All was telling the teacher contradictory information as to what I had already told the teacher. And one (today) in regards to her poison ivy rash. Cabbage Patch had two stellar days of school then came home with a note from the teacher saying that she had talked all day long and hadn’t listened. *sigh* it’s genetic I fear.
Oh well, I have 3 hours left to actually get a few things done. It’s so quiet right now. Ahhhhhhh…. I’m having a Zen moment (don’t call me bitches and ruin this for me!).
Today is the end of the first week of school. It’s been the best of times, it’s been the worst of times… what a fucking lie… it’s been a big pain in my ample derrière. EVERY MORNING has been filled with the melodious sound of WHINEING and ARGUEING! One morning it was about wearing the shiny shoes and not the tennis shoes, another it was over SOCKS, then there was the JEANS incident, the refusal of breakfast and finally this morning was a Hodge podge of signed papers, lunch money, hair styles, shoes and change. I swear by the time I get them off to school I’m ready to go back to bed! Or drink a lot, whatever.
This is how the week ran down so far:
MONDAY: First day of school, both progeny were dressed for school before even leaving their room. They wore matching outfits of their own choosing. Oh how cute. Then the whining started. OH THE WHINING HOW IT MADE MY HEAD ACHE! I blocked out whatever it was they were whining about, it was self preservation, my sanity was at risk. We took the offspring to school and walked them to class. My overwhelming urge to run through fields of flowers to celebrate my freedom (7:45 am until 3:50 pm M-F) was crushed by the urge to bust into tears and clutch my last born to me as the realization that my baby is going to school struck like a bullet from a drive-by shooting. I didn’t though. I sniffled and blinked a lot as she waved at me and turned happily to play with Play-Dough. REPLACED BY A CLUMP OF COLORFUL CLAY! LIFE IS NOT FAIR! Whatever. The rest of the day was to be calm and peaceful, filled with creative and useful activities but it WASN’T. I had to take K to work so I could fetch the offspring from school so that meant a nice long sweaty drive in the Easy Bake Oven. Rah! Rah! Rah! What fun. We’ll just skip the rest of the day because it was just THAT MUCH FUN (and my therapist says that reliving the traumas only prolongs my recovery). Suffice to say that it was a much less PEACEFUL and RELAXING day than I had anticipated.
TUESDAY: The FIRST day was so much FUN, why not do it AGAIN?? Another day of matching outfits of their own choosing – the cuteness was enough to make one gag. This morning brought the FUN of fighting over breakfast and the refusal to eat. Fine! Today was the first day of riding the BUS to school. The excitement was overwhelming. The got on the bus hand in hand, big sister helping little sister learn the ropes. It was so fucking cute that my head nearly exploded. Then I came back home and took a nap. Midday K has to come home so I can get the car – the offspring have vet appointments today. This involves me driving him back to work. In the 107 degree heat. The Easy Bake Oven was going to be busy! I grabbed my recipe book and headed out to take him to work, come back home, pick up kids and head to dr. office. Sounds easy right? Not so much. The dropping off of K was easy, but HOT. I stopped back at him briefly to pick up the insurance card and stuff some cloves of garlic in my pockets since I’d soon be cooking. Off to pick up the progeny from educational facility which for some damn reason took 10 minutes for them to get from class to the office. Now we are running late. Everyone in the Easy Bake! Set the timer! We are off… to sit in TRAFFIC! At 3 pm on a Tuesday! Don’t these people know that if the Easy Bake isn’t going at least 40 mph we don’t just sweat in there, we all begin to cook like chickens??? Finally we are moving and it appears we’ll only be a few minutes late to the Dr. office. Except that I can’t remember which building the office is in so we spend 10 minutes with me driving around three different buildings looking for right one, ensuring that we are all covered in sweat and in a truly delightful mood. Ah AND I forgot the shot records! So we are 30 minutes late, I forgot the shot records and we look like sweaty migrant workers. They tell us to come on back anyway. The progeny check out fine, until… The Dr. looks in Cabbage Patch’s ear and says “What’s that? I think there is something in there.” I’m all “WHAT? Tell me no.” and he’s all “Sorry mom, but I see something green.” SO the Dr. has to pull the little green BEAD out of her ear and I’m thinking “At least it’s not a snail like what Super Girl did.” One shot for the kid later, we are ready to leave. Back home, met up to get some sewing stuff and a HUGE Dr. Pepper then off to pick up K from work. Now… it was a very hot day and I had been in the Easy Bake way past my cooking time. A HUGE Dr. Pepper is really NOT the best choice of beverages to dehydrate with… at least for me. I got K and started feeling sick. Stomach cramps and the urge to hurl. I keep telling K that I’m fine all the while wondering if barfing in the empty cup in the cup holder would ruin that Family FUN time we were all having. No matter, I didn’t barf, we got home and really I should have doubled up on my Prozac for that day.
WEDNESDAY: I woke mumbling something about not going near the Easy Bake that day, then got the joy of arguing with an offspring about CLOTHES. Apparently only one of my progeny can actually MATCH their clothing – which is surprising being that their father is GAY. One would think they would both be born with an superior sense of fashion. Not so, not so. This ended with me threatening to make her wear jeans from LAST year all next week if she didn’t change into the pants that matched. It worked and I’m not sure what is more disturbing, that she was actually appalled by the thought of LAST YEARS JEANS or that I would actually make a THREAT like that!
THURSDAY: Ahhh the day of the GREAT SOCK DEBATE! 20 minutes of arguing about who’s socks they were and the stubborn refusal to even go upstairs and find the OTHER pack of socks because she was right and it didn’t matter what I said or the fact that the socks were TINY, she was right. *sigh* as if that wasn’t exciting enough the SHINY SHOE argument started right after, but ended with me just saying “Fine, fine, just wear them. You have to go catch the bus.” Seems that Cabbage Patch feels that her education is occasion enough to wear shiny black Mary Jane’s (click-clack shoes) everyday. Whatever, just go to school!
FRIDAY: Despite my doubling my Prozac and hitting the bottle first thing in the morning I could still hear the voices in my head, the horrible, frightening, whiny voices in my head (of my progeny). Today Super Girl was whining about her poison ivy rash (damn that child is a magnet for it!) and how it iches, yadda, yadda, yadda. Cabbage Patch was back to arguing about SHOES! Yes she wore the most fabulous shiny black Mary Jane’s again but today she knew that she needed to take a pair of her tennis shoes with her for PE and that is where we ran into trouble. NO she can’t take her brand new white and pink light up tennis shoes that have Velcro fasteners (gag), she wants to take her white and blue tennis shoes with blue laces… that she doesn’t know how to tie! I tried to explain that if she wanted the blue and white ones, she’d need to put them on now so I could tie them since she can’t TIE. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! There was no way in hell those shiny black Mary Jane’s were coming off her feet this morning baring me setting them on fire and prying them off of her. Finally it was to late to argue and I said “Just put some tennis shoes in your damn back pack before you miss the damn bus!” and I was thinking ‘And end up staying home driving me MAD! Just go to school! Someone can tie the damn shoes for you!’
And so they left. And it is quiet. And quiet is good. 3 more hours of quiet.
ALSO: I’ve already gotten two calls from Super Girls teacher this week – one for bus information because little Miss Know It All was telling the teacher contradictory information as to what I had already told the teacher. And one (today) in regards to her poison ivy rash. Cabbage Patch had two stellar days of school then came home with a note from the teacher saying that she had talked all day long and hadn’t listened. *sigh* it’s genetic I fear.
Oh well, I have 3 hours left to actually get a few things done. It’s so quiet right now. Ahhhhhhh…. I’m having a Zen moment (don’t call me bitches and ruin this for me!).
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Easy Bake Oven
On to the NEXT part of my BIRTHDAY! Oh I forgot to mention that while we were waiting to be seated, I sat on the floor and opened all my presents like a 3 year old. Yeah, whatever, my party, my pressies, my goodness I’m sure everyone else in the waiting area appreciated me sitting and not flashing my leopard print panties at them any more. (enjoy photo)
My Pressies!
After The Magic Time Machine dinner there was a debate as to where to go after. The initial thought was to go to Pete’s Dueling Piano Bar but many people were going to Ben’s so the few of us who were holding out for Pete’s gave in and went to Ben’s. This is where My FUN began. And that would be the FUN as in dysFUNctional.
Misdirectional Me
Anyone who’s known me more than 15 minutes should know that I can get lost going to the bathroom in my own home. Luckily for me I convinced Shaz to take pity on me and WAIT so I could follow her to Ben’s… the bar I’ve been to many, many times… I’ve even driven by myself... but I couldn’t have fucking found it by myself, so yeah… whatever. ANYWAY… I digress, Shaz helped stuff all of the balloons in my car and I pulled out to follow her. Okay, before I go any further I must take a moment to explain my car. I drive a 1994 Mazda Protégé. With no AC (I need to get the Freon refilled… well switched over to the more environmentally friendly kind so I don’t burn a hole in the ozone and refilled… whatever... it’ll happen when I have more $$$) and only one side mirror – don’t as me why, but apparently it wasn’t a STANDARD FEATURE back in 1994 – I guess people just drove nicer back then, it must have been common place for people to just move over when they saw a turn signal flashing… not like now when the turn signal causes people to instinctively speed up and cut you off thereby necessitating the use of the side mirror (and hand grenade launcher… or the throwing of a juice box) as well as turning to look and much praying/swearing and maneuvering to get over to make your fucking exit and not get hit by a bitch talking on the cell phone while driving her over priced gas guzzling HUMMER full of pretentious family members and not paying attention to anything else around her due to her current distracted state thanks to the phone and her mega dose of Prozac and Vodka… um.. yeah… what was I talking about? Oh yes! My CAR! As well as all those fabulous features, my car has a completely black interior… it’s a standard… and it has a tape player. The exterior of my car shows a great deal of character, i.e. it’s a bit dinged, but not completely unfortunate looking. So yeah, older, one mirror, black blazing hot interior, standard, bad stereo, dinged… I love my car. Really I do. When it’s not incredibly hot (like it is NOW) its fun to drive. Otherwise it’s like driving an Easy Bake oven with a bad stereo.
So… where was I? Ah yes. Shaz helped me stuff the back seat of the Easy Back with balloons and I pulled out to wait for her to lead me to Ben’s. As I waited I phoned a hot man on my cell phone, which for some fucked up reason I didn’t have my ear piece so I was having to hold the phone to my own ear. Of course on pulling out of my parking spot I failed to realize at that moment that no only could I not see out of the back window of the Easy Back, but the large multitude of balloons was effectively blocking my view to actually look to the right to make certain I could change lanes safely as I have only one side mirror (drivers side) as I have already mentioned – I would discover this later… like on the high way as I shifted, balanced the phone on my shoulder, sweated profusely, tried to shift balloons, feathers flapping (hot pink boa remember), tried to see to change lanes, prayed out loud (if you count ‘Oh Fucking Gawd! Please let that lane be clear! I can’t see a fucking thing! Don’t let me die in the Easy Bake Oven!’) and checking to see if my brownies were cooked yet as I tried to keep up with Shaz who was driving as she usually does – which is VERY fast with MANY lane changes – with little regard to my perilous situation. Some supreme being was watching over me that night or was just laughing it’s ass off to much to let anything happen and I arrived at Ben’s safe and sweaty.
I got out of the Easy Bake amid a cloud of tiny pink feathers. I’m sure the people around me kept expecting a troupe of midget clowns to follow me out of the Easy Bake.
I was greeted with many happy birthday wishes (I love my friends so much!) and no one laughed about the fact that in my hot pink boa and plastic tiara I resembled a very short drag queen – bad drag. What the fuck, I love that boa! Some random person in the bathroom disagreed with my ascertation of looking like a drag queen and said I looked like I was having FUN – which is just a really nice way of saying “You must be so fucking drunk to go out in public like that! How funny! Now I’ll have someone to talk about.” No matter, I was having fun – and thankfully I never had the urge to break out into any Streisand songs. Upon return to my friends, it was pointed out to me that I was molting everywhere (ahhh what an interesting path I was leaving, if only Hansel and Gretel had thought of that. No one would mess with a trail of hot pink feathers!) and La Seg rightfully pointed out that with all the tiny pink feathers all over my black outfit I appeared to have been molested by a Muppet.
Everything wrapped up about 1am or so and Wynde Darling suggested that I have a little consideration of my own safety and put the damn balloons in the trunk of the Easy Bake, which until she actually SAID that I never even fucking considered. This worked so incredibly well I was completely shocked at my own stupidity at not thinking of it myself.
The next morning when I went to my car, I was amused to see my car covered in little pink feathers looking like it had been the scene of a wild Muppet Orgy. Go Muppets! Go Muppets! Well where did you think the new ones come from? A sock drawer?
And THAT concludes the birthday report. The photos kick ass. Thank you to EVERYONE who came out, to EVERYONE who sent b-day wishes, to EVERYONE who couldn’t come out also, and to ALL of my friends – I love each and every one of you totally and completely – platonically that is, at least for MOST of you ;). This truly has been a most incredible and fabulous birthday, the BEST I’ve ever had and I have all of you to thank for it.
go look at the photos!
On to the NEXT part of my BIRTHDAY! Oh I forgot to mention that while we were waiting to be seated, I sat on the floor and opened all my presents like a 3 year old. Yeah, whatever, my party, my pressies, my goodness I’m sure everyone else in the waiting area appreciated me sitting and not flashing my leopard print panties at them any more. (enjoy photo)
My Pressies!
After The Magic Time Machine dinner there was a debate as to where to go after. The initial thought was to go to Pete’s Dueling Piano Bar but many people were going to Ben’s so the few of us who were holding out for Pete’s gave in and went to Ben’s. This is where My FUN began. And that would be the FUN as in dysFUNctional.
Misdirectional Me
Anyone who’s known me more than 15 minutes should know that I can get lost going to the bathroom in my own home. Luckily for me I convinced Shaz to take pity on me and WAIT so I could follow her to Ben’s… the bar I’ve been to many, many times… I’ve even driven by myself... but I couldn’t have fucking found it by myself, so yeah… whatever. ANYWAY… I digress, Shaz helped stuff all of the balloons in my car and I pulled out to follow her. Okay, before I go any further I must take a moment to explain my car. I drive a 1994 Mazda Protégé. With no AC (I need to get the Freon refilled… well switched over to the more environmentally friendly kind so I don’t burn a hole in the ozone and refilled… whatever... it’ll happen when I have more $$$) and only one side mirror – don’t as me why, but apparently it wasn’t a STANDARD FEATURE back in 1994 – I guess people just drove nicer back then, it must have been common place for people to just move over when they saw a turn signal flashing… not like now when the turn signal causes people to instinctively speed up and cut you off thereby necessitating the use of the side mirror (and hand grenade launcher… or the throwing of a juice box) as well as turning to look and much praying/swearing and maneuvering to get over to make your fucking exit and not get hit by a bitch talking on the cell phone while driving her over priced gas guzzling HUMMER full of pretentious family members and not paying attention to anything else around her due to her current distracted state thanks to the phone and her mega dose of Prozac and Vodka… um.. yeah… what was I talking about? Oh yes! My CAR! As well as all those fabulous features, my car has a completely black interior… it’s a standard… and it has a tape player. The exterior of my car shows a great deal of character, i.e. it’s a bit dinged, but not completely unfortunate looking. So yeah, older, one mirror, black blazing hot interior, standard, bad stereo, dinged… I love my car. Really I do. When it’s not incredibly hot (like it is NOW) its fun to drive. Otherwise it’s like driving an Easy Bake oven with a bad stereo.
So… where was I? Ah yes. Shaz helped me stuff the back seat of the Easy Back with balloons and I pulled out to wait for her to lead me to Ben’s. As I waited I phoned a hot man on my cell phone, which for some fucked up reason I didn’t have my ear piece so I was having to hold the phone to my own ear. Of course on pulling out of my parking spot I failed to realize at that moment that no only could I not see out of the back window of the Easy Back, but the large multitude of balloons was effectively blocking my view to actually look to the right to make certain I could change lanes safely as I have only one side mirror (drivers side) as I have already mentioned – I would discover this later… like on the high way as I shifted, balanced the phone on my shoulder, sweated profusely, tried to shift balloons, feathers flapping (hot pink boa remember), tried to see to change lanes, prayed out loud (if you count ‘Oh Fucking Gawd! Please let that lane be clear! I can’t see a fucking thing! Don’t let me die in the Easy Bake Oven!’) and checking to see if my brownies were cooked yet as I tried to keep up with Shaz who was driving as she usually does – which is VERY fast with MANY lane changes – with little regard to my perilous situation. Some supreme being was watching over me that night or was just laughing it’s ass off to much to let anything happen and I arrived at Ben’s safe and sweaty.
I got out of the Easy Bake amid a cloud of tiny pink feathers. I’m sure the people around me kept expecting a troupe of midget clowns to follow me out of the Easy Bake.
I was greeted with many happy birthday wishes (I love my friends so much!) and no one laughed about the fact that in my hot pink boa and plastic tiara I resembled a very short drag queen – bad drag. What the fuck, I love that boa! Some random person in the bathroom disagreed with my ascertation of looking like a drag queen and said I looked like I was having FUN – which is just a really nice way of saying “You must be so fucking drunk to go out in public like that! How funny! Now I’ll have someone to talk about.” No matter, I was having fun – and thankfully I never had the urge to break out into any Streisand songs. Upon return to my friends, it was pointed out to me that I was molting everywhere (ahhh what an interesting path I was leaving, if only Hansel and Gretel had thought of that. No one would mess with a trail of hot pink feathers!) and La Seg rightfully pointed out that with all the tiny pink feathers all over my black outfit I appeared to have been molested by a Muppet.
Everything wrapped up about 1am or so and Wynde Darling suggested that I have a little consideration of my own safety and put the damn balloons in the trunk of the Easy Bake, which until she actually SAID that I never even fucking considered. This worked so incredibly well I was completely shocked at my own stupidity at not thinking of it myself.
The next morning when I went to my car, I was amused to see my car covered in little pink feathers looking like it had been the scene of a wild Muppet Orgy. Go Muppets! Go Muppets! Well where did you think the new ones come from? A sock drawer?
And THAT concludes the birthday report. The photos kick ass. Thank you to EVERYONE who came out, to EVERYONE who sent b-day wishes, to EVERYONE who couldn’t come out also, and to ALL of my friends – I love each and every one of you totally and completely – platonically that is, at least for MOST of you ;). This truly has been a most incredible and fabulous birthday, the BEST I’ve ever had and I have all of you to thank for it.
go look at the photos!
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
The BEST Birthday In The WHOLE FREAKING WORLD!
That’s how this year’s birthday has been! If this is any indication of how this year will be – IT’S GOING TO FUCKING ROCK! Heh.
It all started with a MAD dash to find nail salon that was still open after 7 pm. La Seg and I pulled up to a salon at 7:16 pm and I hopped out of the car and asked the nail techs if they would take us for quick manicures and pedicures. Luckily they were more than willing to take the money… er, I mean take us. The one nail tech was finishing up fills on a lady and the other moved with lightening speed that only years and years of Ninja Nail Tech training in the remote orient brings. She deftly set up the pedicure chairs and La Seg and I were soon seated in vibrating chairs with our feet marinating in blue water. Before we could finish discussing Brittany Spears skank-ness appearing in the newest tabloid magazine my toe nails were a lovely shade of sparkly red with cute little flowers on them and it was ready for me to move to the manicure table. (on a side note, the oddest thing that happened was the older woman with the big Texas Hair who was getting her nails done when we walked in, came over to me at this point and sang me happy birthday and kept touching me on the shoulder just kind of creeping me out. I just smiled and thanked her and tried not to choke on the fumes from her abundance of perfume.)
At the manicurist table I vacillated between getting tips or just a manicure until the manicurist finally made the decision for me and just painted my nails (flowers and sparkles to match the toes). We engaged in the strange conversation one has with a manicurist (Oh, how come I never see you in her? Oh it your first time getting pedicure? Hmmm… You no want French manicure? Oh, it you birthday? Happy Birthday. You want dis red? To match toes?)
In manicuring/pedicuring record time, we were both finished and shoved out the door. Then it was time for a fabulous Mexican dinner. The evening was topped off with a movie. For some fucked up reason we decided to go see “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Bobby Ricky” (I’ll do a movie review on that soon). It was a most fabulous evening.
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! The Birthday Celebrating was just beginning! Saturday night was the dinner at Magic Time Machine.
I arrived after 6 pm with the lovely Angelina Ballerina in tow. Fashionably late, not that it mattered because two parties of 20 had arrived right before we arrived and La Seg was told that we’d have to wait 90 minutes to 2 hours. Yeah. Really.
We finally got lead to our table – THE SHORT BUS! How freaking appropriate is that? ME, the biggest DORK of all and my friends on the short bus. It was perfect. The food was amazing. But whatever about that – you can read a food review on their website or something… the MOST IMPORTANT thing came next. CAKE!!!!
This cake… dear gawd… hold on a second… I need a moment to myself… and a cigarette. Okay… I’m back. This was an intoxicating chocolate mouse cake with cream cheese frosting and little delicate chocolate curls on top. When I first laid eyes on it, I knew it was LOVE… or LUST or whatever, but I knew that this cake was a cake I could have a serious relationship with, this was a cake I wanted to have it’s chocolaty, cream cheese icicing covered babies. Somehow I managed to allow myself to let the other people at the table share in my delectable cake. Really it was too good to just keep to myself… Though I was sorely tempted. (Now imagine me up on the table crouched over the cake doing a Golum “Mine! My Precious!”)
I HEART CAKE!
Okay, enough of that for now. I must take a shower. There is MORE to write… so stay tuned!
That’s how this year’s birthday has been! If this is any indication of how this year will be – IT’S GOING TO FUCKING ROCK! Heh.
It all started with a MAD dash to find nail salon that was still open after 7 pm. La Seg and I pulled up to a salon at 7:16 pm and I hopped out of the car and asked the nail techs if they would take us for quick manicures and pedicures. Luckily they were more than willing to take the money… er, I mean take us. The one nail tech was finishing up fills on a lady and the other moved with lightening speed that only years and years of Ninja Nail Tech training in the remote orient brings. She deftly set up the pedicure chairs and La Seg and I were soon seated in vibrating chairs with our feet marinating in blue water. Before we could finish discussing Brittany Spears skank-ness appearing in the newest tabloid magazine my toe nails were a lovely shade of sparkly red with cute little flowers on them and it was ready for me to move to the manicure table. (on a side note, the oddest thing that happened was the older woman with the big Texas Hair who was getting her nails done when we walked in, came over to me at this point and sang me happy birthday and kept touching me on the shoulder just kind of creeping me out. I just smiled and thanked her and tried not to choke on the fumes from her abundance of perfume.)
At the manicurist table I vacillated between getting tips or just a manicure until the manicurist finally made the decision for me and just painted my nails (flowers and sparkles to match the toes). We engaged in the strange conversation one has with a manicurist (Oh, how come I never see you in her? Oh it your first time getting pedicure? Hmmm… You no want French manicure? Oh, it you birthday? Happy Birthday. You want dis red? To match toes?)
In manicuring/pedicuring record time, we were both finished and shoved out the door. Then it was time for a fabulous Mexican dinner. The evening was topped off with a movie. For some fucked up reason we decided to go see “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Bobby Ricky” (I’ll do a movie review on that soon). It was a most fabulous evening.
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! The Birthday Celebrating was just beginning! Saturday night was the dinner at Magic Time Machine.
I arrived after 6 pm with the lovely Angelina Ballerina in tow. Fashionably late, not that it mattered because two parties of 20 had arrived right before we arrived and La Seg was told that we’d have to wait 90 minutes to 2 hours. Yeah. Really.
We finally got lead to our table – THE SHORT BUS! How freaking appropriate is that? ME, the biggest DORK of all and my friends on the short bus. It was perfect. The food was amazing. But whatever about that – you can read a food review on their website or something… the MOST IMPORTANT thing came next. CAKE!!!!
This cake… dear gawd… hold on a second… I need a moment to myself… and a cigarette. Okay… I’m back. This was an intoxicating chocolate mouse cake with cream cheese frosting and little delicate chocolate curls on top. When I first laid eyes on it, I knew it was LOVE… or LUST or whatever, but I knew that this cake was a cake I could have a serious relationship with, this was a cake I wanted to have it’s chocolaty, cream cheese icicing covered babies. Somehow I managed to allow myself to let the other people at the table share in my delectable cake. Really it was too good to just keep to myself… Though I was sorely tempted. (Now imagine me up on the table crouched over the cake doing a Golum “Mine! My Precious!”)
I HEART CAKE!
Okay, enough of that for now. I must take a shower. There is MORE to write… so stay tuned!
Friday, August 11, 2006
Birthday Flowers!
Aren't they lovely?!?!?!?!?! Thank you Sable! They made my day... even though I didn't have pants on when the Fed Ex guy banged on my door. So far this is the thrid time I've had a delivery guy banging on my door and I've been sans pants. What? Don't tell me I'm supposed to be wearing pants all the time. Even when I'm cleaning? I don't think I can vacuum with pants on. That's just crazy talk. Anyway... I love them! Birthday flowers rock.
Aren't they lovely?!?!?!?!?! Thank you Sable! They made my day... even though I didn't have pants on when the Fed Ex guy banged on my door. So far this is the thrid time I've had a delivery guy banging on my door and I've been sans pants. What? Don't tell me I'm supposed to be wearing pants all the time. Even when I'm cleaning? I don't think I can vacuum with pants on. That's just crazy talk. Anyway... I love them! Birthday flowers rock.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
JUDYOLOGY 101
(idea swiped from La SEG – what are best friends for though?)
GRUB-OLOGY
What is your salad dressing of choice?
It totally depends on my mood. A good Greek vinaigrette is fabulous, but other times it must be blue cheese or maybe ranch or possibly a tangy Italian.
What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
Taco Bell
What is your favorite sit down restaurant?
Again, it totally depends on my mood! I love Alfredos for tasty (and cheap) Italian. The Melting Pot is so good and so much fun. Lawry’s has some AMAZING prime rib and damn I do love a good rare piece of meat! (heh, heh, meat, I said I like MEAT.) I could list at least 10 restaurants here so I’ll just stop now.
On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?
I don’t know, I’m kind of a bad tipper because I’m bad with math.
What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Grilled Cheese Sandwiches with tomatoes. I LOVE LOVE LOVE THEM.
Name three foods you detest above all others.
Thousand Island dressing (looks like puke people!), bell peppers and raw onions.
What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Mushroom, extra cheese and chicken.
What do you like to put on your toast?
I rarely ever eat toast. If I did I suppose it would be something hot and tasty, but he might say that was scratchy and complain. ;)
What is your favorite type of gum?
I don’t chew gum.
TECH-OLOGY
Number of contacts in your cell phone?
Fuck if I know, a lot.
Number of contacts in your email address book?
Again, I have no idea. Are you stalking me?
What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A picture from Scarby.
What is your screensaver on your computer?
Don’t have one.
Are there naked pictures saved on your computer?
Oh yeah.
How many land line phones do you have in your house?
One.
How many televisions are in your house?
2 though one is never watched.
What kitchen appliance do you use the least?
The bread maker.
What is the format of the radio station you listen to the most?
I really only listen to the radio in the car and it’s whatever isn’t playing a commercial or talking. I just want music. I listen to internet radio or dl’d music at home when I’m not listening to my progeny try to kill each other or torture the cats.
How many sex toys do you own that require batteries?
Dear gawd, I think you are stalking me. I have about 7… which may be over the legal limit for TX – what can I say, I like variety.
BI-OLOGY
What do you consider to be your best physical attribute?
Just one? I have lovely hair and pretty eyes.
Are you right handed or left handed?
I'm a righty.
Do you like your smile?
ALL the TIME! Even when I was really self conscious about my braces I smiled a lot.
Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
My gallbladder. They said I’d never miss it… except emotionally.
Would you like to get something removed?
My cold black heart. Kidding. Lipo to remove some fat.
Do you prefer to read when you go to the bathroom?
Dude, I have two kids. If I didn’t read in the bathroom I’d never ever have time to read.
Which of your five senses do you think is keenest?
ummm… touch maybe. May I touch you?
When was the last time you had a cavity?
Hmmmm... I can’t remember, maybe in high school.
What is the heaviest item you lift regularly?
ME! I can do two sets of wimpy girl push ups, but I’m proud of that.
Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
YES.
MISC-OLOGY
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
Nope. That would just make me worry a lot.
If you could change your first name, what would you change it to?
Nope, it’s a stupid name but I’m used to it.
How do you express your artistic side?
I draw, I paint, I sew, I dress people’s dogs up in clothes… it’s in everything I do.
What color do you think you look best in?
Camo! And black. ;)
How long do you think you could last in a medium security prison?
Eh, is it really any different from being stuck at home with two kids?
Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
Yes. No comment…
If we weren't bound by society's conventions, do you have a relative you would make a pass at?
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! Well actually I do have a few really hot cousins, but we aren’t related by blood so I guess I still could tap that if I got them drunk enough. ;)
How often do you go to church?
Not often enough to alleviate my guilt.
Have you ever saved someones life?
No.
Has someone ever saved yours?
Yes, a police officer.
DARE-OLOGY
Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000?
Dude, really… all you’d have to do is get me drunk enough and I would do it.
Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
Yes! I did it for free this past Saturday – where’s my $100???
Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
Depends on if I was put under when they did it or not. Hehe… not really, fuck you, I like my fingers!
Would you never blog again for $50,000?
hmmmm not sure. I like to blog.
Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
Sure, I’d have to approve the photos and ask for a LOT of editing and shading, etc. be done. ;)
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
Fuck yeah.
Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
No.
Would you shave your head and get your entire body waxed for $5,000?
Yes, I’d wax my entire body now if someone else would pay for it! The $5,000 would be for me to shave my head and buy me a wig.
Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000?
I haven’t watched TV for the last 3 (no cable, no tv reception) so, whatever – give me my $25,000 already!.
(idea swiped from La SEG – what are best friends for though?)
GRUB-OLOGY
What is your salad dressing of choice?
It totally depends on my mood. A good Greek vinaigrette is fabulous, but other times it must be blue cheese or maybe ranch or possibly a tangy Italian.
What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
Taco Bell
What is your favorite sit down restaurant?
Again, it totally depends on my mood! I love Alfredos for tasty (and cheap) Italian. The Melting Pot is so good and so much fun. Lawry’s has some AMAZING prime rib and damn I do love a good rare piece of meat! (heh, heh, meat, I said I like MEAT.) I could list at least 10 restaurants here so I’ll just stop now.
On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?
I don’t know, I’m kind of a bad tipper because I’m bad with math.
What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Grilled Cheese Sandwiches with tomatoes. I LOVE LOVE LOVE THEM.
Name three foods you detest above all others.
Thousand Island dressing (looks like puke people!), bell peppers and raw onions.
What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Mushroom, extra cheese and chicken.
What do you like to put on your toast?
I rarely ever eat toast. If I did I suppose it would be something hot and tasty, but he might say that was scratchy and complain. ;)
What is your favorite type of gum?
I don’t chew gum.
TECH-OLOGY
Number of contacts in your cell phone?
Fuck if I know, a lot.
Number of contacts in your email address book?
Again, I have no idea. Are you stalking me?
What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A picture from Scarby.
What is your screensaver on your computer?
Don’t have one.
Are there naked pictures saved on your computer?
Oh yeah.
How many land line phones do you have in your house?
One.
How many televisions are in your house?
2 though one is never watched.
What kitchen appliance do you use the least?
The bread maker.
What is the format of the radio station you listen to the most?
I really only listen to the radio in the car and it’s whatever isn’t playing a commercial or talking. I just want music. I listen to internet radio or dl’d music at home when I’m not listening to my progeny try to kill each other or torture the cats.
How many sex toys do you own that require batteries?
Dear gawd, I think you are stalking me. I have about 7… which may be over the legal limit for TX – what can I say, I like variety.
BI-OLOGY
What do you consider to be your best physical attribute?
Just one? I have lovely hair and pretty eyes.
Are you right handed or left handed?
I'm a righty.
Do you like your smile?
ALL the TIME! Even when I was really self conscious about my braces I smiled a lot.
Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
My gallbladder. They said I’d never miss it… except emotionally.
Would you like to get something removed?
My cold black heart. Kidding. Lipo to remove some fat.
Do you prefer to read when you go to the bathroom?
Dude, I have two kids. If I didn’t read in the bathroom I’d never ever have time to read.
Which of your five senses do you think is keenest?
ummm… touch maybe. May I touch you?
When was the last time you had a cavity?
Hmmmm... I can’t remember, maybe in high school.
What is the heaviest item you lift regularly?
ME! I can do two sets of wimpy girl push ups, but I’m proud of that.
Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
YES.
MISC-OLOGY
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
Nope. That would just make me worry a lot.
If you could change your first name, what would you change it to?
Nope, it’s a stupid name but I’m used to it.
How do you express your artistic side?
I draw, I paint, I sew, I dress people’s dogs up in clothes… it’s in everything I do.
What color do you think you look best in?
Camo! And black. ;)
How long do you think you could last in a medium security prison?
Eh, is it really any different from being stuck at home with two kids?
Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
Yes. No comment…
If we weren't bound by society's conventions, do you have a relative you would make a pass at?
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! Well actually I do have a few really hot cousins, but we aren’t related by blood so I guess I still could tap that if I got them drunk enough. ;)
How often do you go to church?
Not often enough to alleviate my guilt.
Have you ever saved someones life?
No.
Has someone ever saved yours?
Yes, a police officer.
DARE-OLOGY
Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000?
Dude, really… all you’d have to do is get me drunk enough and I would do it.
Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
Yes! I did it for free this past Saturday – where’s my $100???
Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
Depends on if I was put under when they did it or not. Hehe… not really, fuck you, I like my fingers!
Would you never blog again for $50,000?
hmmmm not sure. I like to blog.
Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
Sure, I’d have to approve the photos and ask for a LOT of editing and shading, etc. be done. ;)
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
Fuck yeah.
Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
No.
Would you shave your head and get your entire body waxed for $5,000?
Yes, I’d wax my entire body now if someone else would pay for it! The $5,000 would be for me to shave my head and buy me a wig.
Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000?
I haven’t watched TV for the last 3 (no cable, no tv reception) so, whatever – give me my $25,000 already!.
The Miseducation Of Chaos And Destruction
School starts in less than a week. Im so happy. Lucky for my offspring its been an educational summer *HAH!*
The progeny think they can speak Korean. Why do they think this you may be asking yourself? No its not from taking them to the local Korean restaurant to often (is there even one in my area??), its from them playing on the computer. They have found a paper doll site that is Korean and they LOVE it. And they LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the song that plays on the site and oh how they LOVE to sing along with the song until I feel like my ears are about to bleed and I tell them that if they dont shut up at that very moment I will *duct tape them both to the stairs for the remainder of the day. Its a beautiful thing.
My offspring think they can also speak Spanish because they watch Dora The Explorer occasionally and play the Dora The Explorer games. This worries me much more than them singing along badly in Korean as we live in TEXAS which has a HUGE Spanish speaking population and I can just see them getting their asses kicked for pretending to speak Spanish. I would think they would realize they CANT speak Spanish since the beginning of the summer was punctuated with a family event of which their Spanish speaking Latino/Latina cousins were present. The look of WTF are you saying to me whitey? from all the Hispanic children (including the 2 year old) should have convinced them to drop that shit.
They've also learned exactly which buttons to push to get themselves grounded. This is something I think is important to know so as to NOT push those buttons and end up grounded. Yet my progeny dont seem to share that sentiment as they push those buttons on a regular basis. I believe this will be remembered for them as the Summer of Grounding. Whatever, it builds character, right?
And thats about it, the summer is almost over and I am anxiously counting down the days until school starts. Im not quite certain if Im more excited about my birthday this Friday or them starting school on Monday!
School starts in less than a week. Im so happy. Lucky for my offspring its been an educational summer *HAH!*
The progeny think they can speak Korean. Why do they think this you may be asking yourself? No its not from taking them to the local Korean restaurant to often (is there even one in my area??), its from them playing on the computer. They have found a paper doll site that is Korean and they LOVE it. And they LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the song that plays on the site and oh how they LOVE to sing along with the song until I feel like my ears are about to bleed and I tell them that if they dont shut up at that very moment I will *duct tape them both to the stairs for the remainder of the day. Its a beautiful thing.
My offspring think they can also speak Spanish because they watch Dora The Explorer occasionally and play the Dora The Explorer games. This worries me much more than them singing along badly in Korean as we live in TEXAS which has a HUGE Spanish speaking population and I can just see them getting their asses kicked for pretending to speak Spanish. I would think they would realize they CANT speak Spanish since the beginning of the summer was punctuated with a family event of which their Spanish speaking Latino/Latina cousins were present. The look of WTF are you saying to me whitey? from all the Hispanic children (including the 2 year old) should have convinced them to drop that shit.
They've also learned exactly which buttons to push to get themselves grounded. This is something I think is important to know so as to NOT push those buttons and end up grounded. Yet my progeny dont seem to share that sentiment as they push those buttons on a regular basis. I believe this will be remembered for them as the Summer of Grounding. Whatever, it builds character, right?
And thats about it, the summer is almost over and I am anxiously counting down the days until school starts. Im not quite certain if Im more excited about my birthday this Friday or them starting school on Monday!
Monday, August 07, 2006
Oh No You Di-n’t!
I’ve been TAGGED! (boy that little clamp thing on the ear really hurts! Radio collar isn’t to bad though…)
“Rules: Each player of this game starts with 6 weird things/habits about themselves. People who get tagged have to write a blog of their own of their own 6 weird things/habits as well as clearly state this rule. At the end you need to choose 6 people and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "Tag you're it!" and tell them to read your blog.”
Damn you Cin, I thought you liked me! ;-)
1- I think I’m taller than I actually am and then I’m terribly shocked to see how very short I really am.
2- I was bit by a dog once. I was 3. The dog was a weiner dog and it bit me on the big toe. No I’m not kidding.
3- I don’t know how to ride a bike. I’m not likely to learn either, I fear falling down and hurting myself (mostly my pride).
4- I eat M&M’s/cookies/etc. in even numbers. I don’t know why, but it has to be that way or I’ll spontaneously combust. I also match the colors of the M&M’s.
5- Though I fear and loath most bugs, I adore the cicada and crickets.
6- I’ve only had orange cats for the past 20 years of my life.
Now, here are the people I shall tag:
Shana
Luna
Dawn
Wynde
Kent
Angelina
Dora
What? So I can’t count… I figured there was plenty of love to go around ;)
Photos from the LUAU to come SOON! Stay Tuned!
I’ve been TAGGED! (boy that little clamp thing on the ear really hurts! Radio collar isn’t to bad though…)
“Rules: Each player of this game starts with 6 weird things/habits about themselves. People who get tagged have to write a blog of their own of their own 6 weird things/habits as well as clearly state this rule. At the end you need to choose 6 people and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "Tag you're it!" and tell them to read your blog.”
Damn you Cin, I thought you liked me! ;-)
1- I think I’m taller than I actually am and then I’m terribly shocked to see how very short I really am.
2- I was bit by a dog once. I was 3. The dog was a weiner dog and it bit me on the big toe. No I’m not kidding.
3- I don’t know how to ride a bike. I’m not likely to learn either, I fear falling down and hurting myself (mostly my pride).
4- I eat M&M’s/cookies/etc. in even numbers. I don’t know why, but it has to be that way or I’ll spontaneously combust. I also match the colors of the M&M’s.
5- Though I fear and loath most bugs, I adore the cicada and crickets.
6- I’ve only had orange cats for the past 20 years of my life.
Now, here are the people I shall tag:
Shana
Luna
Dawn
Wynde
Kent
Angelina
Dora
What? So I can’t count… I figured there was plenty of love to go around ;)
Photos from the LUAU to come SOON! Stay Tuned!
Friday, August 04, 2006
Hair Change
Hot in Pink!
Glowing Green!
What do you think? Should I buy the pink dye or the green dye?
ALSO
Apparently my stalker has decided he doesn't want me to stab him the scrote. His 6:30 am phone call yesterday was not followed by one this morning. And really, who the hell is spankin' the monkey at 6:30 AM?? Or 4 am? Why would anyone be up choking thier chicken at 4 am?!?!? Whatever, just don't call me if you are doing it.
Hot in Pink!
Glowing Green!
What do you think? Should I buy the pink dye or the green dye?
ALSO
Apparently my stalker has decided he doesn't want me to stab him the scrote. His 6:30 am phone call yesterday was not followed by one this morning. And really, who the hell is spankin' the monkey at 6:30 AM?? Or 4 am? Why would anyone be up choking thier chicken at 4 am?!?!? Whatever, just don't call me if you are doing it.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Who Wants To Help Me Hide A Body?
That ASSHOLE called my phone at 4 am today! 4 in the fucking morning! This shits not funny. It’s making me an even crankier bitch than usual. Part of me is really REALLY thankful that he doesn’t know where I live. Although… that might have been a good way to have his own stupidity take care of him – I’m sure my neighbor the *ahem* ‘former’ gang member would be more than helpful if I asked him to… after all he has already told me that if anyone causes trouble, he’d be more than willing to take care of things (I believe the phrase he used was “I’ll come out here with my glock in one hand and my cock in the other. I’ll take care of they ass.”)
Honestly, I just wish he’d STOP calling and forget about me or whatever! Sheesh, now why can’t I be this unforgettable to the guys I DO like???
That ASSHOLE called my phone at 4 am today! 4 in the fucking morning! This shits not funny. It’s making me an even crankier bitch than usual. Part of me is really REALLY thankful that he doesn’t know where I live. Although… that might have been a good way to have his own stupidity take care of him – I’m sure my neighbor the *ahem* ‘former’ gang member would be more than helpful if I asked him to… after all he has already told me that if anyone causes trouble, he’d be more than willing to take care of things (I believe the phrase he used was “I’ll come out here with my glock in one hand and my cock in the other. I’ll take care of they ass.”)
Honestly, I just wish he’d STOP calling and forget about me or whatever! Sheesh, now why can’t I be this unforgettable to the guys I DO like???
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Random Things Said In My Presence
Enjoy the movie… because you can’t get a refund. I mean you can’t get your money back so you might as well enjoy the movie, that’s all.
Her (while watching LOTR): What is he looking for?
Her 2: His creamsicle.
Me: What??????
ME: okay I need to go to bed
THEM: bed is over rated unless there is someone in it
ME: so true, sooooo true
Well I don’t want to trash it up. Fat pregnant hooker look isn't what I want right now.
So I'm white trashed OUT. It’s ubber sexy.
HAMMY: Damn the sperm!
Other Things
I’m lazy, I’m busy, I’m out of touch and under sexed. I haven’t blogged and whatever, I’ll get to it in a while. I have to make a baby quilt this week. I’m such a procrastinator, I’ll be sewing it Friday if I don’t get off my ass and get it started now. It should be delightfully adorable and goth and doesn’t that just sound like a weird combination for a baby quilt? Who cares, Claire will love it. All black and red and silver with little skulls and stuff.
On the Crazy Front
And for once I’m not referring to a family member or close friend. Some men need ball sacks stapled to desk. Apparently I’m being stalked in a passive aggressive manner by a guy I went out with ONCE a couple of months ago. I found him to be intellectually inferior (i.e. fucking stupid) despite being physically appealing to the eye and that is a sin I can not forgive and can not date. So I stopped taking his phone calls. He kept calling but I didn’t answer. The last such ignored phone call was a week or so ago. Yesterday morning my cell phone rang at 6:45 am. It said PRIVATE and that piqued my curiosity so I answered it. What I heard was heavy breathing of someone engaged in some type of masturbatory activity. I thought it was kind of funny and I THOUGHT it was someone else trying to be funny. The call lasted maybe 3 minutes then the caller hung up. Later that morning I asked the ‘someone else’ about the call and he pleaded ignorance and then I was instantly creeped out and disgusted which amused the hell out of him. This morning my phone rang at 5 am! Again with the heavy breathing. This time I said “Who is this?” and the person started saying something about sucking his cock… or maybe sorting his socks… not sure… it was 5 am and I was PISSED about being woken up. I hung up. ASSHOLE calls RIGHT back, I hit ignore and went back to bed. I recognized the voice as the moron from the one date. If he wakes me up again with the sounds of him pulling his pud I will be forced to drive to his house and stab him in the scrot. Don’t think I won’t.
Enjoy the movie… because you can’t get a refund. I mean you can’t get your money back so you might as well enjoy the movie, that’s all.
Her (while watching LOTR): What is he looking for?
Her 2: His creamsicle.
Me: What??????
ME: okay I need to go to bed
THEM: bed is over rated unless there is someone in it
ME: so true, sooooo true
Well I don’t want to trash it up. Fat pregnant hooker look isn't what I want right now.
So I'm white trashed OUT. It’s ubber sexy.
HAMMY: Damn the sperm!
Other Things
I’m lazy, I’m busy, I’m out of touch and under sexed. I haven’t blogged and whatever, I’ll get to it in a while. I have to make a baby quilt this week. I’m such a procrastinator, I’ll be sewing it Friday if I don’t get off my ass and get it started now. It should be delightfully adorable and goth and doesn’t that just sound like a weird combination for a baby quilt? Who cares, Claire will love it. All black and red and silver with little skulls and stuff.
On the Crazy Front
And for once I’m not referring to a family member or close friend. Some men need ball sacks stapled to desk. Apparently I’m being stalked in a passive aggressive manner by a guy I went out with ONCE a couple of months ago. I found him to be intellectually inferior (i.e. fucking stupid) despite being physically appealing to the eye and that is a sin I can not forgive and can not date. So I stopped taking his phone calls. He kept calling but I didn’t answer. The last such ignored phone call was a week or so ago. Yesterday morning my cell phone rang at 6:45 am. It said PRIVATE and that piqued my curiosity so I answered it. What I heard was heavy breathing of someone engaged in some type of masturbatory activity. I thought it was kind of funny and I THOUGHT it was someone else trying to be funny. The call lasted maybe 3 minutes then the caller hung up. Later that morning I asked the ‘someone else’ about the call and he pleaded ignorance and then I was instantly creeped out and disgusted which amused the hell out of him. This morning my phone rang at 5 am! Again with the heavy breathing. This time I said “Who is this?” and the person started saying something about sucking his cock… or maybe sorting his socks… not sure… it was 5 am and I was PISSED about being woken up. I hung up. ASSHOLE calls RIGHT back, I hit ignore and went back to bed. I recognized the voice as the moron from the one date. If he wakes me up again with the sounds of him pulling his pud I will be forced to drive to his house and stab him in the scrot. Don’t think I won’t.
Friday, July 28, 2006
Is It To Early To Start Drinking?
Fuck, some days I think I should just stay in bed. *sigh*
So I'm cleaning my kitchen and I see my long neglected empty fish tank. I decide that I really want fish this year for my birthday, better clean out the tank and get it ready for occupation. I take it down and clean everything. Then I put all the air hoses and stuff back in, fill it half way and decide it would go ahead and turn on the hoses to see if all the air stuff still worked. I plug in the power strip they are plugged into and nothing happens. I unplug things and fiddle with things, then plug back in. Nothing. I press the reset button on the outlet and plug back in. Nothing. More fiddling, then I go into the living room and see my computer screen is black. Damn it, I figured I popped the circut so I go into the laundry room and randmomly flip switches in the box. Come out, computer still off. Reset the VCR and TV for the kids go back to the laundry room, flip switches with purpose. Come out, computer is still OFF. Reset VCR and TV and try again with the flipping of the switches. Nothing. DAMN IT! I must have blown a fuse. Now the computer and all is plugged into an extension cord and I must call the maintenance to come fix the fuse. *sigh* I need a drink now.
Fuck, some days I think I should just stay in bed. *sigh*
So I'm cleaning my kitchen and I see my long neglected empty fish tank. I decide that I really want fish this year for my birthday, better clean out the tank and get it ready for occupation. I take it down and clean everything. Then I put all the air hoses and stuff back in, fill it half way and decide it would go ahead and turn on the hoses to see if all the air stuff still worked. I plug in the power strip they are plugged into and nothing happens. I unplug things and fiddle with things, then plug back in. Nothing. I press the reset button on the outlet and plug back in. Nothing. More fiddling, then I go into the living room and see my computer screen is black. Damn it, I figured I popped the circut so I go into the laundry room and randmomly flip switches in the box. Come out, computer still off. Reset the VCR and TV for the kids go back to the laundry room, flip switches with purpose. Come out, computer is still OFF. Reset VCR and TV and try again with the flipping of the switches. Nothing. DAMN IT! I must have blown a fuse. Now the computer and all is plugged into an extension cord and I must call the maintenance to come fix the fuse. *sigh* I need a drink now.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Jewish Sex
The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I
rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and
she screamed for five full minutes at the end." The Frenchman boasts,
"Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over
with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for
fifteen minutes." The Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and I
also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken
fat). We made love, and she screamed for over six hours." The
Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They asked, "What could you have
possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?" The Jewish man
says, "I wiped my hands on the bedspread,"
Oy, I'm so Vakelmpt, Talk among-stah yaselves.
The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I
rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and
she screamed for five full minutes at the end." The Frenchman boasts,
"Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over
with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for
fifteen minutes." The Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and I
also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken
fat). We made love, and she screamed for over six hours." The
Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They asked, "What could you have
possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?" The Jewish man
says, "I wiped my hands on the bedspread,"
Oy, I'm so Vakelmpt, Talk among-stah yaselves.
Interesting Dragon Fly
I saw this lovely buggie flying around my townhouse yesterday, in fact their were two of them flying aroudn the court yard. I loved the wings so much I had to chase them around for 5 minutes to get two photos!
Later: K messaged me with this: the dragonfly in question is a "Libellual Subornata" aka The Desert Whitetale.
Thank you K!
I saw this lovely buggie flying around my townhouse yesterday, in fact their were two of them flying aroudn the court yard. I loved the wings so much I had to chase them around for 5 minutes to get two photos!
Later: K messaged me with this: the dragonfly in question is a "Libellual Subornata" aka The Desert Whitetale.
Thank you K!
Assurance
Yesterday when I told my offspring that they needed to take a bath, I was met with an unusual amount of resistance to the prospect as they were certain the BIG BUG was still occupying space in the bathroom. I assured them that the bathroom was now a BUG FREE zone and that I had in fact paid out 8 bug bait/poison thingies that had started to *KILL WITHIN HOURS of me setting them out. Before either of them would acquiesce to bathe in my bathroom I had to point out each and every bait/poison thingie to each progeny separately. THEN and only THEN were they satisfied of the bug-free-ness of the room. *according to the big letters on the packaging.
Summer
Lucky for me the Tiny Terrorists summer break ends SOON! (Though not SOON enough.) In celebration of the nearing END to my torture, I have consistently been making a point to sleep IN (past 7 am is sleeping in here) and have managed to avoid anyone in this household (save K) getting dressed prior to noon! We’ve also managed to watch copious amounts of cartoons (JLA) and avoided doing ANYTHING with a deadline! It’s fabulous.
And on that note, I must go for the moment… my spot on the sofa is getting cold. ;-)
Yesterday when I told my offspring that they needed to take a bath, I was met with an unusual amount of resistance to the prospect as they were certain the BIG BUG was still occupying space in the bathroom. I assured them that the bathroom was now a BUG FREE zone and that I had in fact paid out 8 bug bait/poison thingies that had started to *KILL WITHIN HOURS of me setting them out. Before either of them would acquiesce to bathe in my bathroom I had to point out each and every bait/poison thingie to each progeny separately. THEN and only THEN were they satisfied of the bug-free-ness of the room. *according to the big letters on the packaging.
Summer
Lucky for me the Tiny Terrorists summer break ends SOON! (Though not SOON enough.) In celebration of the nearing END to my torture, I have consistently been making a point to sleep IN (past 7 am is sleeping in here) and have managed to avoid anyone in this household (save K) getting dressed prior to noon! We’ve also managed to watch copious amounts of cartoons (JLA) and avoided doing ANYTHING with a deadline! It’s fabulous.
And on that note, I must go for the moment… my spot on the sofa is getting cold. ;-)
Monday, July 24, 2006
Which Tarot Card Are You?
 | You scored as III - The Empress. The Empress is a maternal symbol. She is the mother figure who loves, nurtures and protects. She will protect you, she will always be there when you are in trouble. When you fall over and graze your knee, the Empress will kiss it better. Yet she is not a weak figure. Her compassion is strength. If her children are threatened she will stop at nothing to protect them. If well aspected in a Tarot spread, the Empress can symbolise security, protection and unconditional love. If badly aspected it can represent over-protectiveness, fear of risk taking and refusal to face the real world.
Which Major Arcana Tarot Card Are You? created with QuizFarm.com |
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