And It Just Keeps Getting Better!

I’m ready just to skip this fucking day and move right to Sunday. Fuck, I might be ready to just move right to Monday. So the rest of my work day was startlingly unprofitable. And I was hoping to be finished with work early Sunday – I generally can count on Sunday to be a short day… BUT not this week. Sunday will be very busy, I already have 7 on my schedule and that’s not even counting any births from today! Shit. THEN I had to take 121 home instead of my usually route of the toll way as all my toll way money, AND of course the 121 was packed with traffic so it was a total CRAWL and that SUCKS sooo much in the Easy Bake Oven – I’m fairly certain I’m a tad overcooked. To top it ALL off when I get home I discovered that my computer has gone TITS UP! FUCK!!! K said he’d have to reinstall the OS because it’s FUCKED. Great, wonderful, fabulous. AND I still have about a million things to get done before people arrive tonight… I need a drink… or 3. Damn it! I want a do-over on this day!

Okay, I’m better now.

Some People Just Need Shootin'

Gawd how I dislike people who make my job more complicate! All I asked for was a print out of the screens - just like we get EVERY DAY, and for some reason that's just not within her clerical abilities. After waiting 5 minutes for her to realize I was standing at the desk for a reason she then tells me she doesn't know how to do that but she can give me a different list. Great, great, just give me what I need I think and take it. When I look at in upstairs I realize the damn thing doesn't have all the info I need nor does it list all the rooms and the best part is that it's not in order. *sigh* Breathing deeply now... all is well... having a great hair day. Okay I'm done.

A Million To Keep Me Company

I didn’t sleep well last night. I have a million things to do today and no time to do them because I have to go to that detestable place called WORK. Though I really do need to work since I haven’t worked in the past two weekends. I still have a million things to get done because PEOPLE will be over at mi casa tonight and mi casa es muy asustadiza (that’s scary). I’m going to leave a list of things for people to do, but I’m such a bitch, I like things done MY way so I’m still panicking because I know things won’t be PERFECT.

Whatever. On to other things.

Work related – SUPPOSEDLY my boss should know something about me moving to weekdays by Wednesday. I say supposedly because I was supposed to be moved to weekdays the beginning of August, but obviously since I’m bitching about WORKING today that just didn’t happen. We shall see.

Did you know I write poetry? No really I do and not that angst filled, depressing crap written by the Emo kids before they cut themselves. In an effort to get in touch with my FEELINGS because someone recently told me I really NEEDED to get in touch with them and I really don’t want to deal with THERAPY yet again (gave that up years ago) I write poetry on a secret blog (no you can’t have the link) so as no one will see (least of all the man who inspires most of the prose) the really bad poetry that’s vulgar, obscene, profane and sexual. It’s awful stuff, but it makes me giggle when I think “Hmmm don’t think Emily Dickenson ever used ‘fuck’ or wrote a poem about giving a blow”, then it seems really ridiculous and I like it. I don’t know if it’ll get me in touch with my pent up feelings or not, but it does seem to be amuse me if nothing else.

Okay, off to make a detailed list of what I need my slaves… er… offspring and K to accomplish while I’m away.

I Gave A Lap Dance To................

I stole this off Ash's blog because it's funny and it's way to much effort to be funny today... or interesting... or witty... or anything really... PMS sucks. BRING ME CHOCOLATE and BOOZE!oh heh... just do this yourself and put it on your blob.


Pick the month (number) you were born in:

1----I fell in love with
2----I ate a
3----I smacked
4----I sang to
5----I gave my number to
6----I murdered
7----I shot
8----I gave a lap dance to
9----I choked on
10---I bitched out
11---I had sex with
12---I humped

Pick the day (number) you were born on:

1-------A homeless guy
2-------your mom
3-------a banana
4-------a fork
5-------a Mexican
6-------a gangster
7-------a hooker
8-------an ipod
9-------my best friend's boyfriend
10-------a goat
11-------my dog
12-------a ninja
13-------the computer
14-------a football player
15-------my neighbor
16-------myself
17-------a Jones soda
18-------a llama
19-------a pickle
20-------a stuffed animal
21-------a permanent marker
22-------my dad
23-------a condom
24-------my psychiatrist
25-------a policeman
26-------my brother
27-------my sister
28-------a baseball bat
29-------a DVD player
30------- a paperclip
31-------my cell phone

Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:

White----Because I was high.
Black-----Because I was drunk.
Pink------Because I'm NOT homosexual.
Red------Because the voices told me to.
Blue------Because I'm sexy and I do what I want
Green----Because I hate myself.
Purple---Because I'm naked.
Gray-----Because that's how I roll.
Yellow---Because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange--Because I hate my family.
Other-------Because that's how I roll.


Me:
I gave a lap dance to my dog because I'm sexy and I do what I want.

The Electric Company- Easy Reader

I'm addicted to these clips of the Electric Company! Must get them on DVD now.

Okay, I amost laughed myself out of my chair with this one. Funky 70's Morgan Freeman is too much!

The Electric Company- The Plumber

Oh look! Another of my favorite skits from The Electric Company!

Electric Company:

I love this '2001: A Space Odyssey" monolith parodies! I know they have more - different letters (I remember one for 'E'). I MUST find MORE! um.. yeah... enjoy.

Lovefool

Sometimes I think this song was written just for me... other times I don't.

Lovefool Lyrics

Artist: The Cardigans

Dear, I fear we're facing a problem
you love me no longer, I know
and maybe there is nothing
that I can do to make you do
Mama tells me I shouldn't bother
that I ought to stick to another man
a man that surely deserves me
but I think you do!

So I cry, and I pray and I beg

Love me love me
say that you love me
fool me fool me
go on and fool me
love me love me
pretend that you love me
leave me leave me
just say that you need me

So I cried, and I begged for you to
Love me love me
say that you love me
leave me leave me
just say that you need me
I can't care about anything but you

Lately I have desperately pondered,
spent my nights awake and I wonder
what I could have done in another way
to make you stay
Reason will not reach a solution
I will end up lost in confusion
I don't care if you really care
as long as you don't go

So I cry, I pray and I beg

Love me love me
say that you love me
fool me fool me
go on and fool me
love me love me
pretend that you love me
leave me leave me
just say that you need me

So I cried, and I begged for you to
Love me love me
say that you love me
leave me leave me
just say that you need me
I can't care about anything but you

(anything but you)

Love me love me
say that you love me
fool me fool me
go on and fool me
Love me love me
I know that you need me
I can't care about anything but you

Invisible Pools

Saturday was to be a most amazing day for the Tiny Terrorists. We had invited MacGyver over with her little man to swim at the pool. Being that the temps have been 100 + for a while now, so a day at the pool and then grilling hot dogs with friends sounded fabulous.

Saturday the Tiny Terrorists slept in to an obscene 8 am! Yes I was shocked they would allow themselves to sleep so darn late (sarcasm). After watching cartoons for an appropriate amount of time, I bribed the offspring with the offer of WAFFLES from Waffle House for breakfast. This worked and they got dressed pretty quick, little did they know that after WAFFLES, we’d be heading to HELL IT’S SELF! WALMART ON A SATURDAY!

Actually the Wally-World trip was pain free and relatively whine-free– I think a massive sugar rush for the progeny kept them in good moods. After frivolously blowing most of my measly pay check on essentials like FOOD and GAS, we headed home to prepare for the arrival of MacGyver and Little Man. They arrived right on time with hot dog buns and bagged salad in hand. We all slipped into swim suits and sun block and headed to the pool… and THIS is where the REAL adventure began.

We got to the gate and found it locked, so we walked around to the other entrance and found it also locked. No sign, just LOCKED. I found this perplexing as it was 100 outside and a weekend and one would think that when it’s been 100 + for so damn long that people would make certain that the pool would be open especially on the weekend. I went to the office to ask WTF? And was told that something was fucked with the chemicals and it would be open Tuesday or so. Awww damn.

I informed the group of the unfortunate circumstances and we went back to me casa. Somewhere on the 3 minute walk, I had an epiphany as I remembered that the fine city of M has at least ONE public pool. Once seated comfortably in front of my computer I found the city web site and the link to the aquatic centers. It showed two pools VERY CLOSE to me. I called each to find out the rates - $2.00 for adults $1.25 for kids – and the hours and then we headed off. One was on Louisiana Ave. and the other was off McDonald. We headed for the one of Louisiana – heading directly for where the nice person who answered the phone told us to go to. Suddenly Louisiana turned into Greenville and it never did cross Hwy 5! We were perplexed. MacGyver and I both knew were this intersection was supposed to be (or so we thought) and there was NO signs of a public pool anywhere.

We headed off towards the other location. We drove down McDonald until we were quite certain we weren’t in the fine city of M anymore. We drove back. We circled. We looked. We finally gave up because we’d been driving around for an hour in a 4 mile area. The Tiny Terrorists and Little Man were getting restless. We headed back towards Casa de Karmically Challenged amid a chorus of disappointed little voices.

Upon return to the Casa, a check of the almighty and all powerful Mapquest revealed two things 1) the city of M was designed by either sadistic bastards or retarded monkeys… er.. Um, I mean apparently someone thought it was a really good idea to have Louisiana to turn into Greenville but if you turn on Throckmorton you will find Louisiana again. There’s this whole section of Louisiana that’s not connected to Louisiana for some jacked up reason. AND that apparently someone has a really sick sense of humor as the location on Mapquest for the other pool is either at the city cemetery or at the city dump which is behind the cemetery, I have no idea but I’m now morbidly curious to see this as I now how images of Poltergeist going through my head (it’s cool, I love that movie).

Since we were back at Casa de Karmically Challenged I figured we might as well get the grillin’ started! I dumped what looked to me to be a proper amount of charcoal in the grill and liberally doused it with charcoal lighter fluid then lit it. I have to say, I have the feeling that I just MIGHT have put too much of the charcoal lighter on them as they were not only completely engulfed in flames within 30 seconds but the flames were shooting up from the grill about 3 feet. No matter, the charcoal was ready REALLY fast and that meant the hot dogs were ready really fast.

After dinner I gave the kids cupcakes, because ya know, everybody loves sugared up kids!

The evening was a success even if the Little People never could get the Little Man’s name right. Thankfully Sunday morning they slept in to a surprising 8 am.

Friday’s Adventures

Friday started out innocent enough. I got up at the same time, got the Tiny Terrorists off to school as usual and then I went back home as usual to sit around in my undies and drink my 40 as usual (just kidding about the 40). Today would be different though. Today I would drive K to the airport so he could spend the weekend in Chicago (lucky bastard) with his new ‘friend’ (who happens to be really nice, smart, funny and cute (lucky bastard) – a total step above The Refugee) and then have lunch with La Seg.

All went smoothly for the drop off and then the trip to La Seg’s work. Lunch with La Seg actually had a double purpose. One was the obvious, to hang out with La Seg and have sushi, the other was to actually validate the existence of the Easter bunny. The Easter bunny is the name I refer to her brother because he seemed to be total myth. People spoke of him but I had yet to actually see him or even a photo of said Easter bunny, so I wanted to see if he was REAL and not just a figment of La Seg’s active imagination that she used when she was a kid to get extra presents at Christmas. EVEN though I had heard Hitler mention the Easter bunny, I have been to her house and seen several photos of La Seg, but NO photos of the Easter bunny, so I was skeptical… her mom might just go along with her to keep her happy. Shortly before leaving for lunch we stalked him through the shop and she PROVED that the Easter bunny does in fact exist - I’m almost disappointed that my theory of a Pretend Sibling was busted, him being a cute kind of made up for any disappointment.

ANYWAY… I digress (as usual), we headed out (in La Seg’s air conditioned vehicle) for a delicious sushi lunch then decided to head over to Sam Moon for some lightening fast shopping. At the stroke of 3 pm we decided to dash up to Casa de Karmically Challenged to meet my offspring at the bus stop by 3:50 pm. And THIS is where the trouble started…

We immediately ran into amazing amounts of traffic as soon as we got on the highway. I didn’t worry to much as it should only take 30 minutes to get from where we were to the Casa de Karmically Challenged. Or so I thought… At 4 pm we are just at the “Welcome to M_ _!” sign by the bridge and traffic is just crawling. We take the Hwy 5 exit because I figure it will be faster to go by the hospital – not so much, it’s packed again, just crawling. We turn down another road by the school – again crammed with barely moving traffic. Finally we go a round about way and get to my street from the other direction and finally make it to Casa de Karmically Challenged at 4:45 pm! 45 minutes AFTER my offspring got off the bus! My progeny made me proud, they proved to be rather smart and went to the office and explained their situation and the maintenance man opened the door for them. I was terrified that my offspring would have been running around like wild animals in the creek and I’d have to go hunt them down. Thankfully they are much more responsible (and paranoid) than I gave them credit for. When I opened the door they were all red faced (they had waited outside for like 35 minutes before going to the office) and full of hugs and “Mamma! We were so worried!”

To buy off our guilt for being so late, we gave the Little People their pressies from Sam Moon – La Seg had gotten them each a satin coin purse covered in sequins (which they LOVE) and took them to Braums for ice cream. Then we headed back to the shop.

A SIGN

The shop proved to be full of many wonderful and splendid things for the Little People, not least of all La Seg’s family – Hitler, Santa and the Easter bunny. The Little People were mesmerized by Hitler and her desk of many things. La Seg took us on a tour through the workshop and blew their little minds with the machine that softens the plastic to make the signs… oh yeah AND the big Denny’s sign that was there. The Easter bunny delighted the wee people by turning on some of the neon signs for them to see and when we were almost ready to leave, we discovered that Santa was in his office and the Little People were completely entranced by all the signs in his office. I was paranoid with them touching all the signs but Santa didn’t seem to even notice. (Yes the Little People actually do believe La Seg’s father IS Santa and that this is what he does when he isn’t at the North Pole making toys.) The whole damn family is so damn patient it’s mind boggling. Currently I’m trying to forge documents to prove I’m actually part of the family (or devise another devious plot to join the family) as I think these people are going to make the coolest grandparents EVER and damn it, I’d like to be able to drop the Little People off there for the weekend. ;) (Kidding La Seg!)(*update - I've decided the best way in the family is to stalk the Easter bunny and give him an heir by any means necessary... I already know where he lives, where he works and who his family is... the rest is just a matter of time until he gives in or goes into the witness protection program... will update with a complete plan later. Easter bunny you will be mine!)


The evening ended about 10:30 pm after we got back from a super fast Chinese dinner (we got there at 9:30 pm and the lady taking out order kept saying “We close at 10 pm!” and I’d say “We’ll eat fast!” and we did!). And the most ironic thing happened on the way home. When I got right to the ‘Welcome..’ sign again, traffic was stopped for ANOTHER ACCIDENT. I had to call La Seg and tell her.

And THAT is the fun we had on Friday. (Go check out La Seg’s blog for her version of the fun)

STAY TUNED! UP NEXT! THE INVISIBLE POOL!

You wonda why they call U bitch*

Well there is an end in sight! Tomorrow Super Girl will head back to school. YAY!!! I’m sure this will probably take me out of the running on that damn Mother Of The Year Award (Damn that Kathy Lee for always winning that shit)… I mean it WOULD take me out of the running if I hadn’t already been booted from the competition so early this year with my actions toward Piss On Me Baby and her twin sister Incontinence Girl. ANYWAY, I’m desperately TIRED of entertaining my child all day. I mean she’s been relatively good these past three days – RELATIVELY… I mean there have been no fires, no animals tied to doors, no hair cuts and nothing has been broken (except my patience today), but MUTHERFUCK! I’ve had enough Muppets and Fraggles, I’ve had enough conversations that revolve around whether Coco The Wonder Dog is HAPPY to have a green bone to chew on or whether Sunshine The Magic Cat really knows trolls (and the answer is yes, she was around at least once when my brother-in-law was over). At least when her sister is here, she can have these intellectually stimulating conversations with HER and I can ignore them while I clean house. Yeah, yeah, I’m a bad mother, get over it – I’m out of booze and I have PMS so unless you are going to give me a bottle of booze or some fantastic sex, just keep your pie hole shut. Right now I’m taking comfort in knowing that TOMORROW she is BACK TO SCHOOL! Woot!

Fluffy Developments

I LOVE Baths!


Since Coco The Wonder Dog is once again vacationing here at Casa De Karmically Challenged, I thought it would be a good idea to give her a bath. Besides I still have most of a bottle of fru-fru dog wash left and the label ‘suggests’ that it shouldn’t be used on humans and so far I’ve resisted the urge to wash the offspring with it despite it’s delightful smell and promise of a shiny coat. Coco is probably the EAISIEST dog to wash in the world. Drop dog in tub of water, let her jump around and play in the water until wet. Add dog wash and later. Let dot jump around and play until rinsed. Done! Then comes the best part! I blow dry her, which to be honest she’s none to thrilled with and continuously gives me the “I am so offended that you are blowing hot air on THAT part of my body.” Not that I really care because she looks so damn cute and FLUFFY when it’s all over! (Enjoy photo)

Super Pouffy!


Surreal moment: Watching The Muppet Show on DVD and seeing Sandy Duncan doing a song and dance number that is set in a bar and hearing her song about drinking whiskey sours. Hmmmm… man, children’s entertainment sure was liberal back in the 70’s.

I FUCKING HATE THAT DOG...


*The title has NOTHING to do with this post (as usually really), it’s just some lines from a Tupac song that La Seg got stuck in my head. Damn her!

Dating Drama

So consider this... A man contacts a woman and lets her know his intentions to date her and possibly have ‘naked fun’. He chats her up for a while and sets up a date. The day before the date he tells her that he was ‘recently diagnosed with herpes’ and would understand if she were to run screaming from the building cursing his name and never again speak to him. Aforementioned woman kindly tells Herpes Boy that she appreciates his honesty but there’s no way in HELL his dick will get close to her now – with or without a condom – because she’s smart enough to know how herpes is spread and just forget about getting a blow job. Herpes Boy gets indignant and hostile and states something about how he should have just lied to her and how he’s tired of just having the company of his hand leaving the aforementioned woman thinking that keeping a running list of men who need to be stabbed in the scrote is a damn good idea, either that or maybe it’s time to embrace that lesbian side and switch to women for a while.

And The Fun Just Never Ends!

Last week, sort of as a Back To School gift to herself, Super Girl got into poison ivy. As most people who have read this blog for more than a year know, Super Girl is SUPER SENSITIVE to poison ivy. She was exposed on Wednesday, starting having spots show up on Thursday evening and by Friday morning it was a nice rash on her face, neck and arms. I sent her to school covered in ointment and with the instructions to stay out of the sun (so she wouldn’t get sweaty and wash off the ointment). She looked okay Friday evening when she went to bed, just with an icky rash. Saturday morning however, she looked AWFUL. One of her eyes was nearly swollen shut! I gave her more Benidryl, put on more ointment and told K to watch her to make sure she doesn’t scratch and left for work. Now Super Girl didn’t do this exposure half way – she managed to get poison ivy on her face, her neck, her arms, under her arms, under her arms, on her hands, on her chest, on her legs (right behind the knees!), on her back, and best of all on her ass – the CRACK of her ASS! I feel so sorry for her with all these patches of rashes everywhere. The stuff on her face looks the worst because it’s on her face and her face is swollen, but the patch that’s on her right wrist and hand is actually the worst.

Poor Swollen Child


Yesterday I kept her home from school and called her Dr. to get an appointment. Gawd I love that man. He talked to Super Girl about the rash and told her to stay away from the creek. He also gave her two prescriptions – one for a steroid and one for an antibiotic because she’s got so much rash area he just didn’t want it to get infected. 20 minutes total of being in the office. Which was good because I was afraid I’d get caught in traffic, and in the Easy Bake, that’s murder!

And though I should have been able to avoid the traffic since I was on the road at just past 4 pm, it wasn’t the case. Why the hell were there soooooo many people on 75 at 4 pm?? Doesn’t anyone work until 5pm anymore?? Whatever, luckily it wasn’t the WORST traffic I’ve ever been in.

So today is yet another day of watching Muppets (thanks to the kind loaning of La Seg) to aid in the healing of my progeny. There will also be nail painting and probably more Muppets after that. I doubt there will be more blog today, but honestly do any of you REALLY want a review of Fraggle Rock or The Muppet Show on DVD? Though don’t count me out yet… all that Muppet love might cause me to snap and then I’m sure I’d have something interesting to blog about.

WORK SHIT
Work sucked this weekend. Broken equipment sucks. On a good note, my manager indicated that a weekday slot should be opening up soon, so my working weekends should be coming to an END soon! Woohoo!

Things People Say...

I was their bitch for 18 years.

"If you are looking for a little Muppet action later, give me a call, I'm your girl."

I used to have a bunch of them (evening gowns) but I gave them away to a drag queen a few years ago.

"I'll sniff you and then people will TOTALLY be like 'No, no see, I told you they where lesbians!'"

Is it me or do cribs look like little jails?

Too Much Whine These Days… Need To Switch To Tequila

Today is the end of the first week of school. It’s been the best of times, it’s been the worst of times… what a fucking lie… it’s been a big pain in my ample derrière. EVERY MORNING has been filled with the melodious sound of WHINEING and ARGUEING! One morning it was about wearing the shiny shoes and not the tennis shoes, another it was over SOCKS, then there was the JEANS incident, the refusal of breakfast and finally this morning was a Hodge podge of signed papers, lunch money, hair styles, shoes and change. I swear by the time I get them off to school I’m ready to go back to bed! Or drink a lot, whatever.

This is how the week ran down so far:

MONDAY: First day of school, both progeny were dressed for school before even leaving their room. They wore matching outfits of their own choosing. Oh how cute. Then the whining started. OH THE WHINING HOW IT MADE MY HEAD ACHE! I blocked out whatever it was they were whining about, it was self preservation, my sanity was at risk. We took the offspring to school and walked them to class. My overwhelming urge to run through fields of flowers to celebrate my freedom (7:45 am until 3:50 pm M-F) was crushed by the urge to bust into tears and clutch my last born to me as the realization that my baby is going to school struck like a bullet from a drive-by shooting. I didn’t though. I sniffled and blinked a lot as she waved at me and turned happily to play with Play-Dough. REPLACED BY A CLUMP OF COLORFUL CLAY! LIFE IS NOT FAIR! Whatever. The rest of the day was to be calm and peaceful, filled with creative and useful activities but it WASN’T. I had to take K to work so I could fetch the offspring from school so that meant a nice long sweaty drive in the Easy Bake Oven. Rah! Rah! Rah! What fun. We’ll just skip the rest of the day because it was just THAT MUCH FUN (and my therapist says that reliving the traumas only prolongs my recovery). Suffice to say that it was a much less PEACEFUL and RELAXING day than I had anticipated.

TUESDAY: The FIRST day was so much FUN, why not do it AGAIN?? Another day of matching outfits of their own choosing – the cuteness was enough to make one gag. This morning brought the FUN of fighting over breakfast and the refusal to eat. Fine! Today was the first day of riding the BUS to school. The excitement was overwhelming. The got on the bus hand in hand, big sister helping little sister learn the ropes. It was so fucking cute that my head nearly exploded. Then I came back home and took a nap. Midday K has to come home so I can get the car – the offspring have vet appointments today. This involves me driving him back to work. In the 107 degree heat. The Easy Bake Oven was going to be busy! I grabbed my recipe book and headed out to take him to work, come back home, pick up kids and head to dr. office. Sounds easy right? Not so much. The dropping off of K was easy, but HOT. I stopped back at him briefly to pick up the insurance card and stuff some cloves of garlic in my pockets since I’d soon be cooking. Off to pick up the progeny from educational facility which for some damn reason took 10 minutes for them to get from class to the office. Now we are running late. Everyone in the Easy Bake! Set the timer! We are off… to sit in TRAFFIC! At 3 pm on a Tuesday! Don’t these people know that if the Easy Bake isn’t going at least 40 mph we don’t just sweat in there, we all begin to cook like chickens??? Finally we are moving and it appears we’ll only be a few minutes late to the Dr. office. Except that I can’t remember which building the office is in so we spend 10 minutes with me driving around three different buildings looking for right one, ensuring that we are all covered in sweat and in a truly delightful mood. Ah AND I forgot the shot records! So we are 30 minutes late, I forgot the shot records and we look like sweaty migrant workers. They tell us to come on back anyway. The progeny check out fine, until… The Dr. looks in Cabbage Patch’s ear and says “What’s that? I think there is something in there.” I’m all “WHAT? Tell me no.” and he’s all “Sorry mom, but I see something green.” SO the Dr. has to pull the little green BEAD out of her ear and I’m thinking “At least it’s not a snail like what Super Girl did.” One shot for the kid later, we are ready to leave. Back home, met up to get some sewing stuff and a HUGE Dr. Pepper then off to pick up K from work. Now… it was a very hot day and I had been in the Easy Bake way past my cooking time. A HUGE Dr. Pepper is really NOT the best choice of beverages to dehydrate with… at least for me. I got K and started feeling sick. Stomach cramps and the urge to hurl. I keep telling K that I’m fine all the while wondering if barfing in the empty cup in the cup holder would ruin that Family FUN time we were all having. No matter, I didn’t barf, we got home and really I should have doubled up on my Prozac for that day.

WEDNESDAY: I woke mumbling something about not going near the Easy Bake that day, then got the joy of arguing with an offspring about CLOTHES. Apparently only one of my progeny can actually MATCH their clothing – which is surprising being that their father is GAY. One would think they would both be born with an superior sense of fashion. Not so, not so. This ended with me threatening to make her wear jeans from LAST year all next week if she didn’t change into the pants that matched. It worked and I’m not sure what is more disturbing, that she was actually appalled by the thought of LAST YEARS JEANS or that I would actually make a THREAT like that!

THURSDAY: Ahhh the day of the GREAT SOCK DEBATE! 20 minutes of arguing about who’s socks they were and the stubborn refusal to even go upstairs and find the OTHER pack of socks because she was right and it didn’t matter what I said or the fact that the socks were TINY, she was right. *sigh* as if that wasn’t exciting enough the SHINY SHOE argument started right after, but ended with me just saying “Fine, fine, just wear them. You have to go catch the bus.” Seems that Cabbage Patch feels that her education is occasion enough to wear shiny black Mary Jane’s (click-clack shoes) everyday. Whatever, just go to school!

FRIDAY: Despite my doubling my Prozac and hitting the bottle first thing in the morning I could still hear the voices in my head, the horrible, frightening, whiny voices in my head (of my progeny). Today Super Girl was whining about her poison ivy rash (damn that child is a magnet for it!) and how it iches, yadda, yadda, yadda. Cabbage Patch was back to arguing about SHOES! Yes she wore the most fabulous shiny black Mary Jane’s again but today she knew that she needed to take a pair of her tennis shoes with her for PE and that is where we ran into trouble. NO she can’t take her brand new white and pink light up tennis shoes that have Velcro fasteners (gag), she wants to take her white and blue tennis shoes with blue laces… that she doesn’t know how to tie! I tried to explain that if she wanted the blue and white ones, she’d need to put them on now so I could tie them since she can’t TIE. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! There was no way in hell those shiny black Mary Jane’s were coming off her feet this morning baring me setting them on fire and prying them off of her. Finally it was to late to argue and I said “Just put some tennis shoes in your damn back pack before you miss the damn bus!” and I was thinking ‘And end up staying home driving me MAD! Just go to school! Someone can tie the damn shoes for you!’

And so they left. And it is quiet. And quiet is good. 3 more hours of quiet.

ALSO: I’ve already gotten two calls from Super Girls teacher this week – one for bus information because little Miss Know It All was telling the teacher contradictory information as to what I had already told the teacher. And one (today) in regards to her poison ivy rash. Cabbage Patch had two stellar days of school then came home with a note from the teacher saying that she had talked all day long and hadn’t listened. *sigh* it’s genetic I fear.

Oh well, I have 3 hours left to actually get a few things done. It’s so quiet right now. Ahhhhhhh…. I’m having a Zen moment (don’t call me bitches and ruin this for me!).

Easy Bake Oven

On to the NEXT part of my BIRTHDAY! Oh I forgot to mention that while we were waiting to be seated, I sat on the floor and opened all my presents like a 3 year old. Yeah, whatever, my party, my pressies, my goodness I’m sure everyone else in the waiting area appreciated me sitting and not flashing my leopard print panties at them any more. (enjoy photo)

My Pressies!


After The Magic Time Machine dinner there was a debate as to where to go after. The initial thought was to go to Pete’s Dueling Piano Bar but many people were going to Ben’s so the few of us who were holding out for Pete’s gave in and went to Ben’s. This is where My FUN began. And that would be the FUN as in dysFUNctional.

Misdirectional Me

Anyone who’s known me more than 15 minutes should know that I can get lost going to the bathroom in my own home. Luckily for me I convinced Shaz to take pity on me and WAIT so I could follow her to Ben’s… the bar I’ve been to many, many times… I’ve even driven by myself... but I couldn’t have fucking found it by myself, so yeah… whatever. ANYWAY… I digress, Shaz helped stuff all of the balloons in my car and I pulled out to follow her. Okay, before I go any further I must take a moment to explain my car. I drive a 1994 Mazda Protégé. With no AC (I need to get the Freon refilled… well switched over to the more environmentally friendly kind so I don’t burn a hole in the ozone and refilled… whatever... it’ll happen when I have more $$$) and only one side mirror – don’t as me why, but apparently it wasn’t a STANDARD FEATURE back in 1994 – I guess people just drove nicer back then, it must have been common place for people to just move over when they saw a turn signal flashing… not like now when the turn signal causes people to instinctively speed up and cut you off thereby necessitating the use of the side mirror (and hand grenade launcher… or the throwing of a juice box) as well as turning to look and much praying/swearing and maneuvering to get over to make your fucking exit and not get hit by a bitch talking on the cell phone while driving her over priced gas guzzling HUMMER full of pretentious family members and not paying attention to anything else around her due to her current distracted state thanks to the phone and her mega dose of Prozac and Vodka… um.. yeah… what was I talking about? Oh yes! My CAR! As well as all those fabulous features, my car has a completely black interior… it’s a standard… and it has a tape player. The exterior of my car shows a great deal of character, i.e. it’s a bit dinged, but not completely unfortunate looking. So yeah, older, one mirror, black blazing hot interior, standard, bad stereo, dinged… I love my car. Really I do. When it’s not incredibly hot (like it is NOW) its fun to drive. Otherwise it’s like driving an Easy Bake oven with a bad stereo.

So… where was I? Ah yes. Shaz helped me stuff the back seat of the Easy Back with balloons and I pulled out to wait for her to lead me to Ben’s. As I waited I phoned a hot man on my cell phone, which for some fucked up reason I didn’t have my ear piece so I was having to hold the phone to my own ear. Of course on pulling out of my parking spot I failed to realize at that moment that no only could I not see out of the back window of the Easy Back, but the large multitude of balloons was effectively blocking my view to actually look to the right to make certain I could change lanes safely as I have only one side mirror (drivers side) as I have already mentioned – I would discover this later… like on the high way as I shifted, balanced the phone on my shoulder, sweated profusely, tried to shift balloons, feathers flapping (hot pink boa remember), tried to see to change lanes, prayed out loud (if you count ‘Oh Fucking Gawd! Please let that lane be clear! I can’t see a fucking thing! Don’t let me die in the Easy Bake Oven!’) and checking to see if my brownies were cooked yet as I tried to keep up with Shaz who was driving as she usually does – which is VERY fast with MANY lane changes – with little regard to my perilous situation. Some supreme being was watching over me that night or was just laughing it’s ass off to much to let anything happen and I arrived at Ben’s safe and sweaty.

I got out of the Easy Bake amid a cloud of tiny pink feathers. I’m sure the people around me kept expecting a troupe of midget clowns to follow me out of the Easy Bake.

I was greeted with many happy birthday wishes (I love my friends so much!) and no one laughed about the fact that in my hot pink boa and plastic tiara I resembled a very short drag queen – bad drag. What the fuck, I love that boa! Some random person in the bathroom disagreed with my ascertation of looking like a drag queen and said I looked like I was having FUN – which is just a really nice way of saying “You must be so fucking drunk to go out in public like that! How funny! Now I’ll have someone to talk about.” No matter, I was having fun – and thankfully I never had the urge to break out into any Streisand songs. Upon return to my friends, it was pointed out to me that I was molting everywhere (ahhh what an interesting path I was leaving, if only Hansel and Gretel had thought of that. No one would mess with a trail of hot pink feathers!) and La Seg rightfully pointed out that with all the tiny pink feathers all over my black outfit I appeared to have been molested by a Muppet.

Everything wrapped up about 1am or so and Wynde Darling suggested that I have a little consideration of my own safety and put the damn balloons in the trunk of the Easy Bake, which until she actually SAID that I never even fucking considered. This worked so incredibly well I was completely shocked at my own stupidity at not thinking of it myself.

The next morning when I went to my car, I was amused to see my car covered in little pink feathers looking like it had been the scene of a wild Muppet Orgy. Go Muppets! Go Muppets! Well where did you think the new ones come from? A sock drawer?

And THAT concludes the birthday report. The photos kick ass. Thank you to EVERYONE who came out, to EVERYONE who sent b-day wishes, to EVERYONE who couldn’t come out also, and to ALL of my friends – I love each and every one of you totally and completely – platonically that is, at least for MOST of you ;). This truly has been a most incredible and fabulous birthday, the BEST I’ve ever had and I have all of you to thank for it.

go look at the photos!

The BEST Birthday In The WHOLE FREAKING WORLD!

That’s how this year’s birthday has been! If this is any indication of how this year will be – IT’S GOING TO FUCKING ROCK! Heh.

It all started with a MAD dash to find nail salon that was still open after 7 pm. La Seg and I pulled up to a salon at 7:16 pm and I hopped out of the car and asked the nail techs if they would take us for quick manicures and pedicures. Luckily they were more than willing to take the money… er, I mean take us. The one nail tech was finishing up fills on a lady and the other moved with lightening speed that only years and years of Ninja Nail Tech training in the remote orient brings. She deftly set up the pedicure chairs and La Seg and I were soon seated in vibrating chairs with our feet marinating in blue water. Before we could finish discussing Brittany Spears skank-ness appearing in the newest tabloid magazine my toe nails were a lovely shade of sparkly red with cute little flowers on them and it was ready for me to move to the manicure table. (on a side note, the oddest thing that happened was the older woman with the big Texas Hair who was getting her nails done when we walked in, came over to me at this point and sang me happy birthday and kept touching me on the shoulder just kind of creeping me out. I just smiled and thanked her and tried not to choke on the fumes from her abundance of perfume.)

At the manicurist table I vacillated between getting tips or just a manicure until the manicurist finally made the decision for me and just painted my nails (flowers and sparkles to match the toes). We engaged in the strange conversation one has with a manicurist (Oh, how come I never see you in her? Oh it your first time getting pedicure? Hmmm… You no want French manicure? Oh, it you birthday? Happy Birthday. You want dis red? To match toes?)

In manicuring/pedicuring record time, we were both finished and shoved out the door. Then it was time for a fabulous Mexican dinner. The evening was topped off with a movie. For some fucked up reason we decided to go see “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Bobby Ricky” (I’ll do a movie review on that soon). It was a most fabulous evening.

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! The Birthday Celebrating was just beginning! Saturday night was the dinner at Magic Time Machine.

I arrived after 6 pm with the lovely Angelina Ballerina in tow. Fashionably late, not that it mattered because two parties of 20 had arrived right before we arrived and La Seg was told that we’d have to wait 90 minutes to 2 hours. Yeah. Really.

We finally got lead to our table – THE SHORT BUS! How freaking appropriate is that? ME, the biggest DORK of all and my friends on the short bus. It was perfect. The food was amazing. But whatever about that – you can read a food review on their website or something… the MOST IMPORTANT thing came next. CAKE!!!!

This cake… dear gawd… hold on a second… I need a moment to myself… and a cigarette. Okay… I’m back. This was an intoxicating chocolate mouse cake with cream cheese frosting and little delicate chocolate curls on top. When I first laid eyes on it, I knew it was LOVE… or LUST or whatever, but I knew that this cake was a cake I could have a serious relationship with, this was a cake I wanted to have it’s chocolaty, cream cheese icicing covered babies. Somehow I managed to allow myself to let the other people at the table share in my delectable cake. Really it was too good to just keep to myself… Though I was sorely tempted. (Now imagine me up on the table crouched over the cake doing a Golum “Mine! My Precious!”)

I HEART CAKE!

Okay, enough of that for now. I must take a shower. There is MORE to write… so stay tuned!

Birthday Flowers!


Aren't they lovely?!?!?!?!?! Thank you Sable! They made my day... even though I didn't have pants on when the Fed Ex guy banged on my door. So far this is the thrid time I've had a delivery guy banging on my door and I've been sans pants. What? Don't tell me I'm supposed to be wearing pants all the time. Even when I'm cleaning? I don't think I can vacuum with pants on. That's just crazy talk. Anyway... I love them! Birthday flowers rock.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!
Current mood: happy

It's after midnight, so it's now my BIRTHDAY! Woohoo!

Feel free to call me or leave a comment! No pressies necessary, just birthday wishes!

Sellin’ Pussy!

My youngest has an armload of stuffed cats and just asked me if I’d like to buy one. I asked her if she’s a cat sales man and she said yes. My 5 year old is selling pussy, what is this world coming to.