Had A Bad Day...

Or 3... 4... maybe 5. Gawd my life has been busy and not always in a good way. First off, I'm n0t DEAD so stop calling asking when my funeral will be. Now let me tell you about last week. It started off as a fairly normal week. But this Monday was no ordinary Monday, it was a Monday that marked the beginning of a BAD WEEK. Monday my youngest offspring brought home her report card. My adorable progeny's report card was an utter and complete shock and disapointment. The child is FAILING kindergarten! How does one FAIL at coloring, eating glue and singing A,B, C's??? I still don't have an answer for that but my offspring is doing it. Yay her. Grr... Tuesday came the following day, as it generally does. Tuesday decided to follow in Monday's footsteps and suck also. The highlight of THAT day was ME slipping in the shower and falling. Woohoo! Exciting I know. I wish I could say that I knocked myself out at that point and the rest of the week was just a bad dream, but it WASN'T all I did was give myself a few delightful bruises. Wednesday was by the BEST and MOST EXCITING of all days (and I mean that in an entirely sarcastic way). Wednesday was a beautifully rainy day. Wednesday is karaoke night and as usually I left to go hang out with friends. The Easy Bake Oven had other things in mind though. Barely a block from casa de Karmically Challenge I hit the curb... HARD... twice thanks to the wet streets. I bent some arm thingie and a joint thingie (according to the ever so hot mechanic) and my rim. Back home I go to inform K of my idiotic move and to discuss options. Thursday was nothing in compairison to Wednesday but it felt the need to keep with the BAD WEEK theme. I was home waiting for the tow truck to fetch The Easy Bake and take it to the shop. Just past 8 am as I start calling the shop, the Tiny Terrorists bust in the door. Seems they had been screwing around playing with a friend and MISSED the fucking bus. Fabulous. I was so pissed off... and in NO mood for this. Super Girl wanted me to call and have the bus come back to get them, I informed her that wasn't going to happen and they were in NO way going to STAY HOME with me (because I didn't have enough duct tape to make it through the day). We were going to WALK to school. We walked the 2.2 miles to school. I figured if nothing else it would give me time to cool off, some exercise and give them a really GOOD lesson in why it's a damn good idea to get ON the bus every morning (if not the walk then the half hour of me bitching at them). Friday wasn't great but I guess that by Thursday the BAD WEEK had run out of steam and was just kind of phoning it in at that point. I got D to take me to work, then later to take me to the parent teacher conferences. They went fine, Super Girl is doing fabulous, Cabbage Patch's teacher is hopeful that she'll catch up and even if she doesn't she said there always summer school. Sheesh. How lame is that to have to take Summer School for kindergarten? Only my kid. (and she was the breast fed one! WTF? Isn't that supposed to make the SMARTER???) The worst thing about Friday was that The Easy Bake wasn't fixed and wasn't likely to be fixed until Monday. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... I didn't go to TRF. I just couldn't get it together mentally to go. The estimate on the car repairs was over $700, it just seemed crazy to spend any extra when the repairs were going to take a huge bite out of my ass financially. And the guilt, oh the guilt I would have felt for having fun while my car was ill. It would have taken much booze to aleviate the guilt. I decided it was much better for me to just stay home and sulk as I'm wont to do. I was completly mental that weekend, Prozac should have been piped into my house. I really did consider talking to my doctor on Monday about getting back on Zoloft, but I was totally sane (mostly) by Monday and didn't mention my mental state when I saw the Dr. How fabulous is that? Saturday spent painting my toenails black and writing morose poetry by Monday completly manic crazy squirrell. How does anyone manage to spend any time around me? I'm a complete loon! No really I must be (Ask me about my drive home from the wedding on Tuesday, my phone calls and how those on the recieving end all asked if I was DRUNK - which I was NOT.)

Okay, I have to go work. Enjoy the update and don't hate me for taking so long to do it... that might just push me over the edge to either a hefty perscription of Prozac or a hefty round of ammo, high powered rifel and clock tower.

Cheeto Science

Just asked of me:

"Mom, how are Cheetos made?"

"Styrofoam and cheese powder."

"Hmmm? What's styrofoam?"

"That stuff they put in boxes when they ship them. They just cover them in cheese powder and put them in a bag. Cheetos."

"Really?"

"Yes. Ask your dad, he'll say yes. Now go wash your Cheeto covered face."

Damn I'm busy. It's insane. No really it is and not that cool kind of FUN crazy but not the kind of crazy they lock you up and forget what cell you are in crazy either. I'm getting ready to head off to finish preps for the baby shower for La Seg. Shall be fun, and best of all... There will be CAKE there! I see love in my future. ;)

So sorry for not doing the TRF update as of yet, but time has been scarce and the TRF report deserves my full attention. Enjoy this one photo from TRF Pirate Weekend. Apparently it's the ONLY photo in existance from that weekend where I dont' look like a big redheaded ghost or a HUGE DORK. What can I say, I'm such a FAG HAG I can only accessorize with gay men.

My NEW Gay Boyfriend! Savol!

NonCommital Thursday

WTF??? Why can't people just give me a YES or NO today? I've been in 15 rooms today and made 1 appointment!!! Only ONE person could make the life or death decision to get their baby's photo taken. *eyes rolling up in head* Honestly, what the fuck are they putting in the eppidurals lately?

Eh! Whatever! On to other kvetching...

Mystery Perscription

Either my pharmacy likes me a lot or they are trying to KILL me. Yesterday when I took my perscription I noticed that the pill in my hand was DIFFERENT than the ones in the bottle. (no I didn't take it) This morning when I went to take it I noticed YET another mystery pill (same as the other one). It's kind of frightening really. I plan to call the manager of the pharmacy when I get home. I mean, gawd, I'd hate to think I was taking my acid-blocker capsules and actually be taking a Viagra or black tar herion (what? they don't sell that at CVS? Did you ever see that SNL with Brendan Frasier as the pharmacist?) right before work!

Suck Ass Commute

I know, that isn't news, just a continued bitch. Having people call me and chat while I sit in traffic makes the time roll by eaiser. Feel free to dial my digits between 8 am and 9 am, Monday - Friday and listen to me swear at other drivers. It's fun!

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do!

Dear Laundry;

I hate you. I never want to see your needy ass again! Leave! Now! Stop hanging around! I’ve tried to get rid of you before by being nice and catering to your every whim but alas it was no use. You just kept coming back. And now you are EVERYWHERE. I can’t take a fucking step without you in my face these days. I hate you. I really do. Did you hear that? I said I hate you. Why do you keep tormenting me? Why do you demand so much of my time? Why, why, why? Why do I have to keep going into your room and tending to you? Why do I have to keep gathering you up off the floor like a sad drunken girlfriend after the company Christmas party? Why is that when I give you my undivided attention, it’s still not enough – you hide things from me so I’ll never be done with you? I hate how you sometimes hide under my bed or behind the bathroom door. It’s creepy! Stop it! Just stay in your room and stop getting larger – you frighten me. Leave me alone.

With Much Fabric Softener;
Judy

Dear Chocolate;

I thought I told you to leave my house? Why must you torment me with your sweetness? No, no wait… don’t go! You know I love you! I know you are bad for me, but I can’t help loving you. You’ve been there for me. Like when Laundry has tormented me day and night, it’s always you who cheers me up. Some people don’t understand our love so I must ask you to leave and stay away for a long time because you are so bad for me (just look at the size of my ass! That’s your fault you know!). Not forever, you know I can’t have that – I’m weak after all, just leave for now… Leave tomorrow… or maybe the next day… by the end of the week for sure. I just need some space (for my ever growing ass) and some time to find myself (and a way to fit my butt back into my pants) just for a little while. I promise it’s just temporary. I wish I knew how to quit you. Don’t hate me, just go before I make you stay.

With much sadness and many cravings;
Judy

Yeah I know what you are thinking… I’m thinking that too… I really should get laid more often.

*ps, I know I promised to write about TRF, I know, I know… I’ve been busy so fuck off.

Bruce Springsteen Needs To DIE!

Every damn morning I drive into work and listen to the radio (JACK because there are no DJ’s to ruin my morning and suck out the last bit of my working brain cells with their vapid conversation) I hear a fucking Bruce Springsteen song. I dislike his songs so very much I’d happily kick him in the nuts if I ever did see him. I despised his songs when he WAS popular (come on, he sounds like he’s badly constipated in every song he sings. Someone give that man some ExLax!), I hated his stupid sleeveless plaid shirts and bandana combo and I thought he was just one ugly mutha-fucka. My opinion is the same. I wonder what I’ve done in life that has caused me to suffer such karmic punishment as to hear his constipated voice ever damn morning on my drive in.

Enough about my unnatural aversion to The Boss, on to other disturbing things. Today is the third day in a row that my offspring have been HOME. Yes THREE DAYS IN A FUCKING ROW! I think everyone on the school board needs to be kicked in the crotch. Why are my Tiny Terrorists out of school you may be asking? My immediate answer is “To drive me insane!” but that would only be half true, seems these days are teacher inservice days because of it’s the end of the first 9 week grading period. Friday was set aside for parent teacher conferences, Monday was deemed ‘Fair Day’ (how lucky for everyone that it was raining!) and today is just another day to make parental units wish for more alcohol. Oh and I’m wishing! Because I’m completely disorganized I didn’t realize my offspring were out of school for three days until Thursday of last week. Fabulous. I had to scramble for a sitter for Friday because that’s my busiest day of the week. Parent teacher conference day was Friday which I KNEW about but didn’t realize the offspring would be out of school so I didn’t write a note asking to reschedule as I thought I could do that on Thursday (actually I HAD written a note a week earlier saying that I had to work and was wondering if we could do the conference over the phone to which Cabbage Patch’s teacher said NO that she only wanted to do it in person and Super Girl’s teacher never responded). So whatever, I totally suck at this PARENT stuff at the moment. Suffice to say, I suck at the moment and so does the school, so we are even.

Moving on… Yesterday was a day of SHOPPING. I bought an obscene amount of clothing for an insanely low price. I’m still pinching myself because I can’t believe I got an amazingly fabulous evening gown for $30 (the original tag was $160). All the merchandise in the store is probably hot, but who cares! I got the dress for $30!!!

Okay, must go. Have to shower and get ready to lunch with Shana to discuss baby shower plans.

Stay tuned! My full report on Pirate Weekend at TRF! Woohoo!

Won't YOU Take Me To Funky Town?

Good lord, I'm completly in a funk today - I wonder if it has something to do with the hours and hours of Muppets that have been playing at casa de Karmically Challenged. I'm starting to identify with the cranky old men in balcony. Who knows, maybe I'm just dehydrated, a nice cool beverage might perk me up... if it was mostly Vodka that is.

I'm just being random now... Deal with it.

Because I believe in truth in advertising.

And wearing a shirt that says "Look At My Tits!" just seems lame.

Recognition is great. Nothing like calling someone and when they ask who it is to say "It's that crazy bitch from Dallas!" and have them reply "Judy! How are you?"

Last week while driving to work and suffering through morning radio, I caught a small portion of some crap on a morning radio station. Some woman had called in because she believed her husband was cheating with a neighbor because he sent her some rose bulbs and a free magazine subscription. The radio DJ's got the man on the phone to 'bust' him and from what I gathered, they did. Or whatever. It was actually kind of stupid so I just kept listening because I could not believe it was actually happening. First off if you believe your spouse is cheating on you WHY the fuck would you try to bust them on a morning radio program? Honestly, WHY? That's just lacking class. Just go to the divorce lawyer if you can't trust them.

Purple popsicles suck. WHy do they even put them in the box of popsicles? I must have 20 purple popsicles in my freezer and no one wants to eat the damn things.

Okay... I need to take the Muppets DVD out and put it away for a long long time. They are having hillbilly muppets doing a song "I'm My Own Grampa" which is disturbing because it makes me think of my family in Arkansas.

Okay off to list my purple popsicles on E-Bay.

National Can’t Finish A Fucking Thing Month

What? What’s that you say? There is no such thing? Are you sure? Because I’m not totally convinced of that. I can’t seem to get shit done. Sadly I started celebrating this month early. I missed my dr. appointment the middle of last week because my voice mail is possessed by demons and didn’t show any messages on my phone until Sunday when it showed 10 and by then I had already missed the reminder for my doctors appointment. I must have a doctor that had reminder calls or I’ll never EVER make it to an appointment. I’ll have a vague recollection that I was supposed to see someone about a something on some day but then I’ll just forget to call and ask anyone about what I could possibly have needed. That’s what happened. I knew I needed to see this dr for a stupid follow up to say “Yeah, these pills work!” and then have her renew my prescription for a year. Why can’t I just call it in? So whatever. But now I know that I missed the appointment and it’s practically Friday and I haven’t called to rescheduled.

What else? Oh yeah, the three other blog posts that I’ve started and haven’t finished. All this BLOG stuff is still cramming my tiny little brain and I just haven’t gotten the blogs out to clear up the space. Damn it. It’s like having 10 midgets in a clown car up there. Never mind. Don’t try to think that one through.

I have countless other things I need to get done and people to see but fuck it if I can get to that either. I have two dresses to finish for myself, two fairy costumes to finish and a pile of sewing that I must complete soon and fuck me if I’m not sitting here in front of the computer. And let’s not even think about the house cleaning!

This whole working Monday through Friday is really messing with cleaning. Not that I’m even a half assed house keeper, but damn the little bit I did do is now not getting done very well. I need a maid… or a slave. Don’t care as long as they clean.

Fuck. I need to go do some laundry or I’ll be headed to work commando tomorrow.

Tonight I Guaranteed My Spot In Hell

I colored Coco pink. Yes I really did color her pink. I wanted to do her bright hot pink but I first had to see if D would have a complete coronary when I did this. She’s cool with it, there were no death threats.

My tub is completely covered in pink dog hair. It looks like a herd of pink cats hacked up hair balls in my tub. Really special.

Coco now needs a hot pink tutu and hot pink toe nails. I’m really starting to enjoy dog sitting. Call me if you want me to watch your dog.



Pink Pooch!

My Perversion

I’m getting used to this driving into work thing. I’m spending much less of my morning commute time plotting random drivers painful deaths and more time just day dreaming and switching radio stations. In all this, I’ve discovered there is ONE thing that I TRULY enjoy. Parking my car! I know that sounds stupid, but it’s true. Why you may be asking? Because there are several people on the parking lot who are inconsiderate assholes when they park. Free parking is at a premium. SOME people feel the need to park over the lines and take up two spaces. This I find completely unacceptable, how freaking hard is it to PARK correctly??? Fine whatever, it now brings me great pleasure when I spy these people as I squeeze The Easy Bake Oven in that tiny little space next to them. It’s not like I’m worried about getting my car door dinged – how would I even notice??? Last week I parked next to the SAME offending car twice in a row – one day it was really tight as the cars on BOTH sides of me had parked with their tires just over the line. Oddly enough both cars have been parked right in the middle of the parking spaces from then on. Does that make me an asshole for doing that? Probably, but honestly no more of an asshole than they are for taking up two of the best parking spaces in the lot (shady spots). Besides it brings me much mirth.

Anyway… OFF to work! Enjoy YOUR day!

Reports Of My Demise Have Been Greatly Exagerated

Mostly anyway. I'm still alive, still working, just was offline from Friday until Monday evening so the BLOG suffered. So much to blog about! A fantastic trip to a FARM! A FABULOUS Mardi Gras party and a completly lazy Sunday! Woohoo! But it's 10:30 pm now and it has taken me an hour to upload photos. SOOOOOO I'll just leave you with these amazing photos from the Party and MAYBE I'll elaborate about them tomorrow.

One funny thing that did happen at the party was when I ran into a couple who obviously KNEW me but I had no fucking clue who the woman was, I started to figure out who the man was and thought maybe this was his NEW wife and wonder why the fuck she was talkign to me like she knew me and then the wife said "YOu don't know who I am do you?" and since I was drunk, I could not tell a lie and said NO! She said who she was and I was all "WTF? you look totally different!" and she was all "I lost like 100 poungs!" and I was all "Wow! And you went BLOND!" and well I looked like a total dumbass (as usual) but thankfully I was well into DRUNKVILLE so I didn't really care.

Okay, enjoy the photos of me getting progressivly drunker. I told K to cut me off at 8 (the last time I hit 10 I blacked out and spewed in a car) but he kept kept them coming until I hit 10 (no spewing or blacking out) but the last 2 photos of the night are WAY WAY scary.

Hooking on Burbon St.


I wasn't even drunk yet!


I like my drinks like I like my men... BIG and alchoholic... umm... well just half of that.


K likes his drinks like he likes his men... BIG and with a straw in them... um... forget that... I'm trying to.


Mmmmm Still drinking. (I think I was on 4 by then)


uh-oh... drunken chick with camera...


ELVIS!


I was on drink # 8 or 9

Morning Commute and How YOU Can Make It Better For ME

I’ve come to realize that I really, really HATE my morning commute. I know, I know, you ALL hate your morning commute. Mine is REALLY LONG, in the Easy Bake Oven so sans AC and with standard transmission and a crappy radio. So it’s really FABULOUS. Nothing like sitting through three stop lights with your foot on the clutch while your leg muscles threaten to go into convulsions and your toes cramp up. Add in the fact that morning radio is utter SHIT and I only have a cassette tape player in the car. Yes, yes, I know, I’m truly lucky to have a vintage radio in my car and for that I should appreciate it, but you see, I don’t have any really GREAT music to play when the radio SUCKS (which is every time one of the DJ’s opens their mouths). As hard as it is to believe, I am LACKING in a truly bitchin’ music library on cassette tape. Sadly I stop purchasing cassettes when I chose to join the rest of the population and move ahead with technology and purchase CDs. Now, I’m in a sad predicament of having to listen to utter crap in the mornings. I’m sure someone out there has to have an impressive cassette tape collection. I’m quiet certain that someone would be more than willing to earn MANY, MANY good karma points by sending me some choice albums on cassette. You know you love me and you want to do this.

As I was driving this morning… wait, let me rephrase that – as I was waiting to crawl through a stop light, I caught sight of the car behind me in my rear view mirror (hey, I had to do SOMETHING other than plot people’s deaths). There on the dash was the most amazing thing ever. HELLO KITTY! The car behind me had a HELLO KITTY bobble head doll. The only thing keeping me from jumping out of my car and running back to that car to snatch HELLO KITTY off the dash was my aching, twitching thigh muscle threatening to go into a full on cramp from holding down the clutch. Damn that clutch! I NEED that HELLO KITTY! Actually I just need several bobble head dolls on my dash to amuse me while I waste my life in traffic every morning. Just think of it, my dash could be a veritable SEA of bobbling heads! How AMAZING would that be?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Let me just answer that in one word – very. And that’s why I’ve decided that for a limited time offer YOU amazing readers can earn double karma points by sending me bobble head dolls for my dash! ANY of them, I don’t care who they are (‘cept, I really DO want HELLO KITTY) just send them on and make my commute a little less homicidal!

My commute also involves steak. Wonderful fabulous steak that I don’t get to eat. I drive RIGHT PAST Lawry’s EVERY FUCKING MORNING! And every morning about 8:30 am I’m thinking how wonderful a fabulous steak from Lawry’s would be. So here I am again offering this limited time offer, anyone who wants to earn TRIPPLE KARMA POINTS… wait… I take that back, let me rephrase that – any guy who wants to earn the BEST BLOW JOB EVER can buy me a steak dinner from Lawry’s. Come on, you know that’s a good deal – one steak dinner for a fabulous hummer! Contact me directly for this offer – there is no limit to how many times you can redeem this offer. Supplies limited, void where prohibited, must be 21 or older to ride this ride. For external use only. Wash, rinse, repeat. Not valid outside the United States unless accompanied with jewelry. Offer expires at the express arbitrary decision of Judy. Act NOW!

See? My commute is frustrating and sucky. I have however found something that DOES make it a bit more bearable. BLOGGING! No I’m not driving around with my lap top on the steering wheel (but damn, that’s a thought!). Today it struck me that with all that free time where my brain was running amuck inside my head, I should be recording it! Since I lack any cool recording devices (don’t b so surprised) I decided to just write things down on a piece of scrap paper! Woohoo! Let me tell you, that was an experience! It’s hard to stay in the lanes while writing, then I figured I’d just write during the MANY, MANY red lights I have to endure. And here is the fruits of my labor! Well mostly. Amazingly my hand writing isn’t the most legible when using the steering wheel for a desk, go figure.

And that my friends is how I spent my valuable commuting time this morning. Eventually I’ll get used to sitting in traffic as opposed to my old commute which involved me DRIVING QUICKLY.

Off to bed now, 6 am is to fucking early to have to get up, but I still have to.

The Day In Question

This evening Super Girl was telling us that today was some damn obscure holiday at school today. She kept saying a word that wasn’t a word but sounded like other words so K and I had a little fun by guessing what the word could be. This is our list of what the holidays we came up with:

Confucius Day – Dude, this actually exists – February 27th or 28th is supposed to be his b-day Confucius
Contusion Day – Probably a very painful day
Concussion Day – Might not be memorable
Confusion Day – I believe that’s my every day state
Confection Day – Sponsored by Weight Watchers
Consideration Day – A very well planned and thought out holiday
Consignment Day – Could be very profitable
Conspicuous Day – I should have seen that holiday coming.
Conspiracy Day – K didn’t want to include this one, but I KNOW it’s just because he doesn’t want me to enjoy it.
Constipation Day – A day to celebrate fiber, LOTS of fiber
Consultation Day – A good day to see the doctor for that 2nd opinion
Consummation Day – Oh yeah, I’m looking forward to this holiday! I’m going to celebrate ALL day and night.
Conception Day – Oddly this day usually follows Consummation day.
Contraception Day – When this holiday precedes Consummation day, Conception day isn’t celebrated
Contagious Day – Sometimes THIS little holiday follows Consummation Day… and often requires a shot!
Contaminate Day – Well if you DO need that shot then you can celebrate this day… alone… with rubber gloves on.
Congratulate Day – A fine holiday to celebrate AFTER Contamination Day ends or when Conception Day has happened previously.
Contemporaneous Day – I love this day (just say the word – it’s it fabulous!), though it usually happens right when one of the other days happen. (look up the fucking word!)
Clitoral Day – I often write this day in several times a week – I prefer when Clitoral Day is contemporaneous with the next holiday.
Cunnalingus Day – Do I need to even elaborate? Other than to say that if I made a calendar this would be celebrated QUITE OFTEN.
Contortionist Day – Sometimes helpful for the previous holiday.
Conflagration Day – A nice firey holiday to keep things warm.
Confessional Day – Something for the Catholics
Condiment Day – Something for the hot dogs
Conductivity Day – Makes me want to buy copper… lots of copper.
Conestoga Wagon Day – This one just screams FUN!
Communist Party Day - I’ll have to send off my Lennin costume to the cleaners for that.
Complimentary Offer Day – Damn I’d just be praying that Starbucks was celebrating that, then I’d drive to EVERY SINGLE Starbucks in the Dallas area. I wouldn’t sleep for 3 weeks.
Concubine Day – Gives me the urge to wrap my tiny feet and drink jasmine tea.
Confrontation Day – Oh this could be a fun day. I think I celebrate this most holidays with my family.
Kilimanjaro Day – Dust off your climbing gear for that one.
Conjecture Day – It’d just be fun to walk around all day saying things like “Ah-ha! I conjecture that since the pot is EMPTY that YOU drank the last of the coffee!” Okay.. maybe not.
Congestion Day - *cough* *cough* Probably not as much fun as it sounds.
Conquest Day – Oh yes, I’m making a list for this one.
Conquistador Day – I just want to wear the funny hats!
Condemnation Day – AKA Hell In A Hand Basket Day
Conifer Day – Hug your favorite pine tree
Cattle Prod Day – Why not? It would be fun! Especially at the store with the person who has 30 items in the 10 items or less line. You know you want to celebrate that day.
Convenient Day – Just celebrate it whenever it works for you
Convulsion Day – Don’t swallow your tongue though.
Carnivore Day – Damn MEAT FEST day. Most guys would love this day.



Incidentally we were completely incorrect as the ‘holiday’ is the start of Constitution Week, which K assures me has something to do with History or something. I have my doubts since I can’t recall a John Wayne movie about the subject. (Hey! I’ve been eating my SMARTIES!)

Random Musings

There is NOTHING more fun than stalling one’s car on the toll way during morning rush hour traffic. And what makes it even better is when the car doesn’t turn over right way! Woohoo! Let me tell you, I could feel the LOVE in those few minutes until I got the car started.

So if one eats several packages of SMARTIES, will one in fact become SMARTER? If so, I certainly need to keep my pockets loaded with them so I can pass them out randomly to people who need them. “Excuse me sir, but I’m thinking you could really use this.” And if one eats SMARTIES with a carbonated drink, will it make one smart and effervescent? Or will you just end up with the burps and a sugar buzz? Must experiment.

I had to pay for parking today. PAY to park at the HOSPITAL. WTF? How crappy is it that you would have to go to the hospital for anything and then you have to pay $3 or $4 for parking on top of that. Talk about adding insult to injury. Seriously.

Over the weekend K left ALL the windows open in the car. And it RAINED. So, yeah, you get the picture. Sunday morning I sent him out to change the seat cover on the drivers side and dry out the interior before I went to work. I was ready to shove him in the trunk and leave him there the rest of the day for that. Nothing like driving to work on a rainy morning in a soggy car. (he didn’t get shoved in the trunk, who would have watched the kids if I did that??) It was FABULOUS at the end of the day getting into the car and having to dry off the windows on the inside. Grrrr… This morning was the same and after much bitching (by me) and dirty looks (from me) the window dried out so one (me) could see the road. The gloomy clouds this morning convinced me that it would rain all day so I rolled up the windows when I got to work. The sun was out when I left around 11:30 am. Because I was convinced of stormy weather I didn’t bother to put up the sun shades in the car so when I opened the door it was like opening the door to a sauna! Yeah just what anyone wants after work – driving home in a sauna. Fun stuff. The upside is that the car should be dried out since it’s stopped raining and I left the windows open… and K no longer has to fear for his life… at least on THAT issue. *casting evil glance in his direction* Lets not even talk about how MY camera got WET yesterday at the parade. Oh no, let’s just leave that one unmentioned. *stabbing pins into voodoo doll*

The End Of The Weekends

This past weekend was my last WEEKEND to work! Woohoo! Of course I start working weekdays TODAY and won’t get a day off until Saturday, so that kind of sucks. But that’s okay because I’ll get to SLEEP IN on Saturday! YAY!

Since this was my LAST weekend to work, I had to train my replacement. Generally weekends are only busy on Saturday and Sundays are really easy days. Not so this weekend. Saturday was So DAMN BUSY we didn’t walk out of the hospital until 5 pm and we never got more than one 15 minute break to run grab lunch.

I figured Sunday would be really nice and slow since we worked so hard on Saturday. AGAIN I was absolutely WRONG! Sunday was much busier than Saturday! It was CRAZY! AND to top that off, the manager decided she needed to observe my replacement to make sure I had trained her properly. Yay me. That meant that she was slowing us down for the entire time she was tagging along. *sigh* Luckily she didn’t stay more than a couple of hours. I was absolutely exhausted by the time I got home at 6:30 pm yesterday. It’s all good though, I had outstanding sales for the weekend. The WEEKEND WORK IS DONE THOUGH!

Hidden Stomach

The most fun I had yesterday was after I left my main hospital and headed to my secondary hospital to work (yippie…). I was sooooo ready to be done with work by then. I did the photos then grabbed my purse out of the cart and left, stopping by the restroom before I left the hospital. After washing my hands I started digging through my purse for my car keys. I couldn’t find them. I kept digging and finally took everything out of my purse. When I got down to the bottom of my purse, I could still FEEL things IN my purse – under the lining. I thought “Damn! This purse has a stomach and it’s swallowed a bunch of stuff!” I felt around in the bottom of the purse for a whole and couldn’t find one. Then I stuck my hands in the three side pockets inside the purse and again couldn’t find a hole. I was perplexed and thinking I might have to rip the bottom of the purse to get the MANY items residing inside the purse stomach. I stuck my hand in the outside pocket on the purse and still didn’t feel a hole so I went back to feeling around the bottom of the purse and thoroughly feeling the pockets. I was deeply disturbed by this point and then I finally felt it, a small whole in the outside pocket of the purse. I dug around in the purse stomach and found SEVERAL of my favorite lip glosses that I had been missing and just chalked up to the Little People as having swiped. I found other stuff, but the lip glosses was the most perplexing items as I don’t put my lip gloss in the front pocket of my purse. Actually EVERYTHING in the purse stomach was damn perplexing as I only put business cards and used Starbucks cards in that pocket and guess what? There were NONE of those in there. No matter, my KEYS were NOT something that was swallowed. (I found them back on the camera cart). I told K about the purse stomach later that night and he surmised that I did not have a purse but what I was carrying was a bag of devouring (sorry geeky gaming reference, please forgive!)

Okay! That’s all for an update for now, I must get dressed and get the hell out of dodge! Send happy profitable thoughts my way. Send me some LOVE! ;)

BOOK TAG

I tag anyone who reads this blog. Share your love of reading with another!

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Rules:

Grab a book - any book........

go to page 123........

go to the end of the fifth sentence........

and type the next three sentences into your blog, then.........

tag 5 more people!!

Book cover


I edged closer to him, and the nearer I got, the larger he became. He had the longest legs I'd ever seeen, immaculately sheathed in pleated pants. A warm stream of excitement ran through me, a buzzing current that made me want to rub up against him like a cat, or better yet, to feel thouse long legs of his gripping mine.

**************************

Sadly, that has to be the best lines in the entire book. But then again, maybe not, since I didn't read it completly due to my consuming boredom that resulted in me falling fast asleep at any attempt to read this book. Not nearly dirty enough for my tastes. The worst part is I paid $7 for the damn book and I can't even stand to look it. So full of promise of erotic delight yet so disapointing so quickly... kind of like a lot of dates I've had. Eh, whatever, don't read this book, you can find dirtier stuff on the internet. ;)

OTHER CRAP

I started painting the table top of the Little People's table. I had this fabulous idea to paint a sun and a moon on the top then laminate the damn thing so they don't completly destroy it but that may all be for naught now. The Little People want in on the action! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'm a horrible mommy on this one, because I don't want them to sully my beautiful art work. I know I should just let them go to town with the paints since it's THEIR table, but I'm completly neurotic about this - I don't like my ART WORK messed with by ANYONE. I think it goes back to when I was in kindergarten and evil children would paint on MY paintings and I'd cry. What can I say, I was an ARTIST way back then (you should have seen my penguines!). Anyway, I'm caught with the compulsion to just paint it MY way before they get home and say "Opps! Bad me! But don't you like it???" or doing the GOOD MOMMY thing and just handing them paint brushes and paints when they get home.

Final Friday

Well today is my LAST FRIDAY of being home, which means TOMORROW is my LAST SATURDAY to work! Woohoo! I'm so excited about that! It'll be like I'm a normal person! No more last minute search for someone to cover for me, no more missing weekend shit because 'I have to work', no more leaving parties early because 'I have to work tomorrow' and BEST of all - NO MORE MISSING FAIRE for work!

Okay off to either drink a bunch of coffee or to take a 3 hour nap on the couch... hmmm what to do with my last Friday off??? What would YOU do? (other than masturbate 5 or 6 times - I've already done that)

I LOVE ZOMBIES ON MY HEAD!

I told you I was making a hat. Here is my prototype. It's a ZOMBIE!

Empty Head

See my boreing head? It does look like it might be hiding some tasty brains though. (oh and what a great hair day I was having tonight! And a good boob day also - that's so damn RARE! At least I have photographic proof.)

Zombie Hat

Mmmmmmm... nothing keeps brains warm like a nice hungry ZOMBIE!

Zombie hat

BRAINS!

I'm still working out the hat style. I like how the face and eye balls came out, but I'm not keen on the shape. Will be working on it - stay tuned for more disturbing hats.

I Like My Coffe With A Little Sugar and Crazy!

Yup, I'm still on the crazy side. It's a refreshing change from the usual morbid, morose, homicidal mood. Sadly, I know it's only temporary, though waking up a little insane every day would be entertaining. Now I know why Charles Manson does it every day.

Since it's temporary I wonder if I could get away with shit - say rob the WalMart of all the childen's chewable vitamins (the orange ones taste the best!) and just say it's because I was temporarily insane? "Sorry officer, I really didn't mean to KILL her persay, but I did warn everyone I was insane on the day in question. Read the blog, I posted it bright and early, he really should have known better than to withhold Krispe Kream's from a crazy fat chick. Can I go now?"

*wait! Be right back! The laundry calleth! Or maybe that was the Alien's pageing me on the intercom? Whatever, I must take care of this and be back in a moment. Hold that thought!*

*Back now, had a lively discussion with the Aliens who paged me. Funny thing is that I realized we don't have an intercom here and that buzz was in fact the dryer. I had been talking to the dryer vent the whole time and the voices in my head were answering! Don't you hate it when that happens??*

Yeah, so as I was saying, I'm going to make some HATS! Fun hats! But I can't tell you what they'll look like because I know you'd try to steal my most fabulous (and probably profitable) ideas like you did when I told you about that dress, and then you showed up at the party with the EXACT same dress (except yours was purple, and had sleeves and didn't look at all like a McDonald's bag like mine did)? Yeah well I remember and I just won't tell now. So don't ask. But you'll be jealous that you didn't think of it first. You are the one who decided to be sane today though.

So yeah, this coffee is good! Can I get you some?

HUMP DAY! Come On! Somebody Hump Me Already!

I'm a little crazy today. Not sure why, I just am... so you've been warned. What does that mean? Well other than I'll probably walk around all day mumbling things to myself and randomly shove pages from my manifesto into strangers hands as they walk past me trying not to make eye contact, it means NOTHING! NOTHING AT ALL! Oh yeah, it does mean that I won't be spell checking a damn thing I write today - so expect bad spelling and bad grammar because the voices in my head say so.

So on that note, I've decided to post some random photos. Enjoy the madness and have a cup of coffee before you go.
*These are OLD photos I'm posting, nothing new... OLD. The cat hasn't been shaved recently... she prefers Nair these days.*

Keep It Safe, Keep It Wrapped!

I saw that slogan one time. It seemed reasonable, until I tried to wrap my couch in plastic wrap... good plan in theory.

Shaved Pussy

Maybe I should have waxed...

Lookin' Sexay!

Ahhh you can feel the hate from here.

My Pussy Is Cuter Than Yours

Truth hurts, deal with it.
Crazy Pussy

Oh yeah baby!
Ahhhhh! She turned into an EGG!


Happy Toast!

Fuck you toast! No one should be that happy in the morning!

Ahhhh My True Love... CAKE!

Ahhhh... The first cake I ever wanted to have a serious relationship with. I love you cake, you gave me so much pleasure... and such an amazing sugar rush.

Other STUFF!

On another note, I'm completly a week off for some fucked up reason. Twice in as many days I've been reminded by someone that the event I was discussing was not for another WEEK. Hmmm... odd... I think it's some kind of a space time continuium issue. Someone has shifted my reality back a week. Fuckers!

On a GOOD note, I did find my keys that have been missing for the past 2 months! I won't say WHERE I found them, because I'd have to actually ADMIT that I lost them and not anyone else - which just could NOT be true because we all know it was someone ELSE who lost them. Oddly they showed up deep in the bowels of my purse where I'm certain that they were recently hidden by someone ELSE who isn't me. Luckily they are here.

Okay I'm off to drink lots of coffee and do laundry.

WORK Changes!

I filled in for someone yesterday and worked (very briefly). It was certainly an experience to have to get myself ready and the kids ready so we could all get the hell out the door in a timely manner. What fun.

I spoke to my manager yesterday and she told me that I very well may be starting to work weekdays starting this coming Monday. AND even better – it would be at a hospital I worked about 4 years ago and loved very much. This weekend I will be training my replacement for my current hospital so that’s a done deal – the WEEKENDS OF WORKING ARE COMING TO AN END!!! Ahhhhh sleeping in on a Saturday! What could suck is that if the current person working my soon to be hospital takes the news of being moved from this hospital badly and decides to quit on Wednesday, I may end up working Thursday and Friday there, then Saturday and Sunday at my current hospital and start back to the new hospital on Monday without a break until the weekend. Which will make for a really FABULOUS check but a REALLY BITCHY Judy.

Eh, not going to worry about that – must call the school and set up before and after school care for the Tiny Terrorists. I’m so excited!

Why I Should Be On Prozac – or Why My Life Sucks!

I’m currently on the edge of either being really, really happy or falling into a pit of despair and depression. It sucks really. I’m not so good with all the touchy-feely emotional relationship stuff. Sex, that I’m good at. The emotional stuff makes me all uncomfortable and nauseous. I don’t like that feeling of not being in control of my feelings but here I am, crazy about someone and completely uncertain about how they feel. I hate this. I mean I really DO enjoy the wonderful, giddy feeling when I hear from this person. I love how flower petals fall from the sky and the tiny little cartoon birds show up to sing. Then of course there’s that crazy roller coaster feeling in my stomach when I think of this person, that’s kind of cool for a bit but then I feel like I need to vomit.

See? I suck at this emotional crap. I don’t totally trust my instincts on this either because the last couple of guys have turned out to be asshats and completely disregarded my feelings then left me crushed and hurt. This person isn’t as asshat at all, I just don’t know what he’s thinking or where this will go and well that’s making me crazy. Eh, who knows, maybe it’s just casual sex. I’m insane.

So yeah, I’m either going to be running through a field of flowers or constructing voodoo dolls and writing morose poetry very soon. Though maybe I should just stock up on condoms and decide that casual sex is the way to go. We’ll see.

*Dear sweet Internet, I’m not looking for advice or suggestions and I’m not going to tell you who this is about either, I’m just venting.