Passing On
(just rambling tonight... sorry if this is just crap)

The Little People and I have a funeral to attend this Friday. I know, very depressing post. Angie is a dear, dear person. I've never met her father, but I've heard a great deal about him from her. I feel for her. I've lost my mother, I know how desperately difficult it is to let go of a parent - especially one you are very close to. Angie is so cute, she never refers to her father as 'father', she always says "my daddy". Her eyes light up when she talks about him and what a great guy he is. She's daddy's little girl. I was always a Mamma's Girl. It's hard to loose that person, to not be daddy's/mamma's little girl. Every time I've gotten an update about Angie's dad I've dissolved into tears. I wish I could take her pain for her.

I feel especially bad for her in that this is a time when she should be deliriously happy. She is getting married the end of July. My sister got married a week before our mother died. I remember how mom's impending death over shadowed her day, a day that should have been so happy for her. I hope that Angie's wedding being a little further from her father's passing will make it still a joyous occasion.

Anyway... I'm going to the funeral on Friday. The last funeral I was supposed to go to, I bailed on. I made an excuse about not being able to find child care - I made this after the fact so as to not have anyone offer a solution. I was a pussy. I still carry a great deal of guilt about it as the person who passed was a former co-worker. He was very fatherly and very sweet. I just didn't want to deal with it, he was the same age as my father. He has kids my age, grand kids my kids age. I'd like to say that I didn't want my final memories of him clouded by the memory of his sad funeral but that's just bull shit. Avoidance was easier. Deep down I'm a very emotional person. I sometimes just bubble over with emotions and I tend to be exceedingly sensitive. It's not exactly something I'm proud of or fond of - I really do try to hide it - the sensitive emotional side, I don't try to hide the bad temper I have, although I probably should. Anyway, this is why I avoided the funeral of my co-worker. I have this fear that I'll cry in front of everyone. I haven't cried at a funeral since my great grandmother's when I was a sophomore in high school. Seriously. I didn't cry at my mother's funeral. I wasn't raised to be like that. In these situations people fell into two categories - those who are to be silent and stoic and those who are to be brave and strong then fall into hysterics. I've always been in the first category - aside from my great grandmother's funeral (where I totally lost it and freaked everyone out by my hysterical crying). I don't cry in public. I've only cried in public once since that funeral - that was when my home was in a fire 6 and a half years ago - we lost almost everything. Thank G*d for friends, family and the kindness of strangers.

So anyway, I'm rambling... I dread the funeral because I empathic with Angie. I adore Angie and I wish I could take this pain from her. She's putting up such a brave front. I'd like to skip the funeral just because funerals are just morbid and depressing, I can't though. I'll go for Angie.