Friday, July 22, 2005

And Now For Something Different...

In the event you are tired of hearing aobut ME, ME, ME! Go to Amy's Diary, you'll laugh, you'll cry, you... well you should enjoy it (it's funny).

Better yet, go watch the bunnies.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Make Room In the Parthenon! There's A NEW Goddess In Town!

Today has been all about JUDY DAY. I've had no less than 7 separate men either e-mailing or message me to hit on me today (not it wasn't all generated by that one photo).

This is my favorite e-mail:

hi what can i do.....................? what can i say..............? when i saw your magical angel face & diamond eyes .................i feel to fly ..............over the sky ................can i have your honor to fly at your sky nice lady...............

Foreign guys can come up with the BEST lines!

My favorite comment today:
Damn you got a geek goddess look. Damn your a hottie.

That's me, a Geek Goddess just waiting to be worshipped.

Yeah, I'm a little full of myself right now. It's okay, Karma has already set in motion to make certain that my head doesn't get any larger - I've got a giant ZIT coming up right in the middle of my forehead. The North Star!
Dear A,

Go to other blog, have writen stuff.


Simply irresistible

The above photo prompted a man to send me an e-mail complimenting my breasts and expounding on his intents were I to be so taken by his sparkling personally and intelligence that shown through so very well in his written word. I'll copy and paste the aforementioned prose in a bit.

The photo above is probably one of my favorites (taken by Lerxst) because it's FUCKING FABULOUS! Thank the heavens above for a good bodice laced tight enough to GIVE ME GOOD BOOBAGE! I don't REALLY look like THAT. Check below for what I REALLY look like.


On any given day, the above DORK photo is what I will look like (probably even in that shirt). The boobs are well, not quiet so impressive. It's okay, it's fine... Occasionally I have the thought that it would be fantastic to wear a bodice ALL the time and look THAT good, but then reality strikes. It would be very good for dieting as it's almost impossible to eat more than 3 bites when laced up really well. Impractical for most things. It would be bothersome to have strangers in the grocery store offering to lick samples off my boobs and might even frighten my children. It might give me an advantage if stopped for speeding, but is somewhat uncomfortable to drive in. So a Dork I shall remain for everyday life and save the bodice enhanced breasts for special times.

So... Back to my fan mail. It arrived with the subject 'love those booooobss!!!' and went on to say:
you can have those delicious looking breast licked nad sucked until they sweel in my mouth along with your clitty getting licked and sucked until you cream and cummm all down my throat mommie!!!,,then you can get my thick fat hard strong 7 inch brownsuga dick to wlr your pink poopop ccocohie walls nice nad sloww as we make sweet romantic luvin...

As you can read, he's obviously an intellect with impeccable grammar and spelling. Only a truly creative mind could come up with "you can get my thick fat hard strong 7 inch brownsuga dick to wlr your pink poopop ccocohie walls nice nad sloww". Unfortunately I'm not entirely sure what he's planning to do with my "pink poopop ccocohie walls nice nad sloww" as I don't have a reference for "wlr" and have no clue what it could mean and how it could have anything to do with making "sweet romantic luvin". (to be honest he kind of lost me on the 'romantic luvin' when he called me 'mommie' and mentioned 'wlr'ing my 'pink poopop ccocohie walls' - none of the walls in my home are pink!)

I considered writing him back:

Dear Sir;

I'm deeply touched by your communication, I truly mean that, deeply touched... And not in a good way. Your confusing and badly spelled attempt at an erotic message has troubled me and disturbed me enough to need extra anti-psychotic medication. First off calling me 'mommie' is troubling, I find men who want to 'play baby' a turn off. Secondly your "thick fat hard strong 7 inch brownsuga dick", just won't do as I only consume Splenda, no sugar for me. Next what is 'wlr'? Is it legal? Would it hurt? Does it require tools? And why do you want to do it to my walls? Which I must add none of my walls are 'pink poopop ccocohie', I don't think I've ever even seen that color. And why do you want to mess with the walls in my home while you 'make sweet romantic luvin'? Please explain.


I would send that... But I'm quite certain that the sarcasm would be lost on my intellectually gifted and creative fan.
Apparently that photo only attracts men who have difficulty with grammar and spelling, I just received yet another piece of fan mail and it was woefully misspelled and painfully badly written. The crime of stupidity is one I simply can not forgive. Bitchy? Why yes I am.
*Later Update*
The count is up to THREE now. This time he's ARTICULATE and can SPELL.
What the hell is up today? Am I MAN NIP today? *thinks to self 'I better go knock on the door of Mansicle Neighbor and hope his wife isn't home!'
*Much Later Update*
The best line in a message so far: very nice smile and yes very nice rack. I'm sorry just have to give credit, ya know. Yeah, I'm totally eating it up. I must thank Lerxst for taking the extremely RARE and AMAZING photo of me looking so damn HOT.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Dear Gawd! I'm Such A 'Tard!

I've been panicking for the past 20 minutes because my iron which I had dropped on the floor right before plugging in was NOT getting hot. After all this time of thinking I BROKE it, I finally checked the cord... which... wasn't plugged in. Apparently I had plugged in the PENCIL SHARPENER. Doh!
Renewed False Hope

So in my effort to bolster my mood and I did as I stated yesterday and I've read my horoscope. As I want to make sure that all my bases are covered, I've consulted several online horoscopes for second, third, fourth, fifth, etc. opinions. Read below.


Daily extended (by
You've got a lot to look forward to, especially now. Business looks good, your relationships with your coworkers couldn't be any better, and you're about to find a way to make a pleasurable hobby turn into cash -- cash you didn't feel like you were working to earn. In short, life is good and getting better, and you have no complaints. How about sharing all those good feelings with someone who deserves them just as richly?
(business? you mean my SEWING or my photography? Hobby... now that's where I'm confused, I can't think of any of my hobbies that anyone would WANT to pay me for... 'cept maybe that one that involves BOB... hmmm... I'll get back to you on that one.)

Now here's from

Here is your forecast for Wednesday Jul 20, 2005.

Personal forecast
Deep satisfaction comes from knowing what you want and persevering until the goal is achieved. Your power is more accessible now, and through its proper application, a favorable outcome occurs. While sometimes you manipulate a situation to get the result you desire, you also can attain it through willpower. Stronger than usual, you show resolve. Use this time to revitalize what is languishing in your life or to release what already is finished. It is an opportunity to eliminate the nonessential and the outdated.

(There is actually 3 different horoscopes for today for Leo, but hell I don't have the patience for all three! So let's see... 'my power' probably means COFFEE and being more accessible means that I'll be chuging some serious amounts today. Sweet!)

Your Wednesday Horoscope Judy!
You will want some time alone with the one you love today. If you are currently single, beat the doldrums by being spontaneous for once in your life and calling a friend for an impromptu rendezvous.



Someone you work with may be withholding valuable information. Problems with in-laws may cause friction in your personal relationship. You mustn't take on other people's responsibilities or you may find yourself irritable and exhausted.

(Shit I'm already irritable and exhausted.)

From Jonathan Cainer:
You have the ability to be exceedingly pleasant. When you are in the right mood, you can charm the birds from the trees. The trouble is, you don't always remember to act this way. Nor do you notice that you have turned your 'niceness switch' to the off position. You assume it is still on. And then, you become surprised to realise that you have offended or upset someone. Now, there is a chance to recognise and repair the damage that has lately been inadvertently done. There's also a chance to make some very wise, important decisions.

(What, are you saying I'm a bitch?)

Judy's Horoscope:

It's difficult to tell if you are very close to a wonderful experience or if you have just missed your chance. On one hand, the energy feels as if it's in decline. On the other hand, you can see the bright lights on the horizon and you know something's coming up. Don't change directions now; just keep moving as steadily as you can toward the light.

(Am I dead now? Go toward the light! Fuck it's probably just a truck headed for me.)

And finally from ivillage
Your career path will soon become extremely easy to navigate, but it wouldn't hurt to make some plans right now. You can manage some key moves that will get you where you want to be in record time

(you mean I'll get that zipper in right?? Fuck I hope so!)

In conculsion I have no idea how my day is supposed to turn out, could be REALLY good, or it could just suck.

Any one want to give it a shot as to what YOU think my horoscope is for today. Be creative.
Janis Days

I've probably been listening to way too much Janis Joplin recently. I was considering taking that CD out of the car so I'd stop listening to it, but I think I'll leave it be for a couple of more weeks. I'm kind of in a funk at the moment. *sigh* Stress sucks. I think I'm thankful that my only addiction is coffee. Anyway, I'm not going to bore you with any of the pathetic details of my funk, but I will enlighten you to the lyrics of one of the songs I keep playing OVER AND OVER AND OVER again (now aren't you glad you don't ride in my car with me, not only would you have the superb opportunity to hear this song several times, but you'd be able to hear ME sing it LOUDLY and that my friends would cause permant insanity and probably temporary hearing damage).

JANIS JOPLIN lyrics - "Piece Of My Heart"

Oh, come on, come on, come on, come on!

Didn't I make you feel like you were the only man — yeah!
An' didn't I give you nearly everything that a woman possibly can ?
Honey, you know I did!
And each time I tell myself that I, well I think I've had enough,
But I'm gonna show you, baby, that a woman can be tough.

I want you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,
Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby!
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, oh, have a!
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,
You know you got it if it makes you feel good,
Oh, yes indeed.

You're out on the streets looking good,
And baby deep down in your heart I guess you know that it ain't right,
Never, never, never, never, never, never hear me when I cry at night,
Babe, and I cry all the time!
But each time I tell myself that I, well I can't stand the pain,
But when you hold me in your arms, I'll sing it once again.

I'll say come on, come on, come on, come on and take it!
Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby.
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah,
Oh, oh, have a!
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,
You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good.

I need you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,
Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby!
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart, now darling, yeah, c'mon now.
Oh, oh, have a
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby.
You know you got it — whoahhhhh!!

Take it!
Take it! Take another little piece of my heart now, baby,
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart, now darling, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Oh, oh, have a
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby, hey,
You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Giving Thanks

I'm feeling thankful suddenly.

I'm thankful for the Little People visiting grandma. (it makes getting a piece of ass that much eaiser... er.. I mean finishing things uninterupted)

I'm thankful for who ever invented INSTANT PUDDING!! Gawd damn! Who can't appreciate pudding that's ready in 5 freaking minutes??? (and the lemon is delightful, it tastes just like the iced lemon pound cake from Starbucks)

I'm thankful for this damn computer! Yeehaw! I'd have to acutally go out and BUY my porn otherwise. (kidding! kidding!)

I'm thankful for rechargable batteries. Oh stop that be-otch! I'm talking about for my camera! Filthy mind.

I'm thankful that cats can't actually talk. I'd hate to hear what they'd say! "Ya know, the other day when I was licking my butt..." Yeah, I don't think so.

I'm thankful for hot Massage Therapist who are great with their hands and fabulous in bed.

I'm thankful for smart men who are great to talk to and think I'm HOT. (insane obviously)

I'm thankful for hot coffee.

Well, that's about it. I think I'm done with all this thankful stuff... my pudding is done now. Back to being ungrateful and sewing.
Insert Witty Title

So... After massive frustration with the SEWING PROJECT and after my finally wading it into a tiny ball, dousing it with gasoline and lighting it on the porch, I feel much better. * K and I went to the store to procure dead cow for dinner. Mmmmm... Despite K over cooking my side of the steak, it was a truly delightful dinner.

This morning I woke with renewed spirit and purpose. Actually I think I was a cranky bitch (as usual) for a bit, then I got some coffee and had all that renewal shit kick in. I've decided that I'll adopt some new philosophies in my life just to make me HAPPY and keep me HAPPY. I'll start reading my horoscope again. Regularly. What the fuck, false hope is better than no hope at all. Not that I believe that shit, but it's amusing. Oh wait.. Did I say philosophies... Well that's all I got, I think I had decided on something else also, but after I woke completely and had my eggs for breakfast I realized that it was extremely retarded and promptly purged it from my memory... Or something like that.

Earlier K got the hiccups and blamed them on me. Blamed me for making him laugh. And blamed me for him nearly choking on his drink because he was laughing. My gawd after 11 years of marriage you would think that man would know not to listen to me when I'm talking to the voices in my head. I told him he'd just have to get one of those things installed so that it beeped when he was drinking and I'd know to keep my mouth shut while he was drinking. Although I'd just forget and always be wondering if there was a garbage truck backing up near me. In conclusion, K's hiccups are not my fault... His paranoid psychosis, though, that's probably my fault... Maybe I should stop making him think I'm trying to kill him... nah.

Speaking of one who needs to shut up, that damn cat is still meowing. I have tried to politely explain to her that even though the Little People are far from her, it should not interfere with her main occupation of hiding under something and sleeping for 12 hours straight, then I encouraged her to do so. By encourage I mean threatened to duct tape her to the damn chair if she didn't shut her damn mouth and leave me alone. Damn cat! If I wanted a co-dep animal I would have kept the damn dog!

So... I retrieved the charred remains of the sewing project and after realizing my folly I have returned to work on the item and am delighted to report that I'm so fucking close to being finished it's not even funny. So why am I sitting here typing crap? One word - PROCRASTINATION. That and I needed some coffee, I was getting sleepy. And hot, but not in the fun way. So nw that I've finished my cup of coffee and read my horoscope (and been enlightened and mystified by the predictions) I shall go back to my sewing and mentally planning out my life based on the predictions I've just read. Later!

* ummm yeah.. I didn't do that.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Karma Balance

So yesterday started kind of crappy what with the slow work day and the Toilet Of Doom attack (gotta do so more chants and burn my candles again), but after a nice long nap things turned out pretty good... no... not good, great... even fucking fabulous. Yes FUCKING FABULOUS.

After naps and playing computer games for way to long, I discovered that the cats were out of food. Actually I got tired of the cats biteing my ankles and faking passing out from hunger. Drama cats, I tell you. So off to the store I go for cat food. When I got back there was a message from the Massage Therapist. Woohoo! Spending the evening with Massage Therapist certainly made up for the morning. Yes I did watch a movie this time and yes I did get that coffee... this morning.

Today has been busy spent catching up with K about his weekend (yawn, yawn, yawn, when's it my time to talk about ME??) and sewing. I'm seriously frustrated right now. I have this one thing to finish before I start on the MEGA SUPER HUGE FANTASTIC project and I can't seem to get this done because I'm a primo 'tard and keep doing things WRONG and then have to spend 20-30 minutes ripping out the seams (delicate fabric) of something that took me 2 minutes to sew wrong. FUCK. It's cool I just need lots more coffee.

I'm enjoying the Little People vising Grandma right now. The cats on the other hand may need some Prozac by the end of the week. My two neurotic cats seem to be missing their daily torture sessions at the hands of the Tiny Terrorists. They have been fighting with each other a lot. Dusty has been walking around meowing all the freaking time (I'm about ready to duct tape her fucking mouth shut) and looking for the Tiny Terrorists - this is odd because she usually HIDES from them all damn day. Sunshine has been wandering around aimlessly. I know that as soon as they get home the cats will reclaim their Tiny Terrotists and allow them to whatever they wish in exchange for just being in their presence. Crazy damn cats.

Okay, my break is done. Back to sewing.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Calgon, Get Me The Fuck Out Of Here!

Fuck what a great weekend so far! (sarcasm) When I got home yesterday I think it was even messier than when I left for work, and since the Tiny Terrorists are currently on a invasion of Grandma's house, I didn't think that was possible. I was terribly disapointed in the cats as I've spent way too many of my brain cells absorbing Disney movies and I continue to hold out hope that either the 'Cleaning Fairies' will visit or my cat will get with the Disney program and clean house while I'm at work. No fucking luck. Though I bitch, yesterday was a good day, I had a good dinner (by myself), and a nice evening (by my self) and I'm seriously enjoying the SILENCE. ( I swear if I had no children and lived by myself I'd probably find a job I could do from home and become a hermit and completly lose the ability to speak all together because I'd never have to do it. Okay maybe not... but at times it seems like a good thing) I watched a movie and I'll do a movie review later because it was one whacked out movie, but I liked it.

Today, I woke and went to work (waste of time) and just moments ago I finished cleaning up the water in my bathroom from yet another attack from THE TOILET OF DOOM! Muther Fuck! I so totally wasn't even expecting that, I had walked away and was combing my hair when I heard that familiar sound of water splashing on the floor. AND of course the bathroom is a mess with things out on the floor and not put away. So I had to splash through the water to grab the new package of toilet paper and box of tampons. What fun. I've currently got a washer full of wet towels and I'm thinking that if Calgon isn't going to take me away, then I may have to resort to a bottle of wine and some hydrocodone to take me places. Sheesh.