Thursday, December 23, 2004

How Sweet It Is

I've been baking this evening. I made the mistake of deciding to make Reindeer Brownies in addition to the other goodies I've been baking for K's family. Reindeer Brownies are just brownies decorated with M&M's and pretzels to look vaguely like reindeers. Mmmmm brownies. Frosting. M&M's. I had a Dr. Pepper with dinner too. I'm on a serious sugar high. I think I can feel my hair growing. I vibrating.
What's Wrong With This Picture?

A special prize goes to the first person to correctly answer the above question for THIS picture.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

The Day That Lasted For 48 Hours
Where Is That Childrens Chewable Valium????

Today started out fine enough. My progeny allowed me to sleep just past 8 am. A rare and sweet occurance that I treasure as I'm usually up at 6 am. Everyday. 6 am everyday. Let's all say that together now - 6 AM EVERYDAY. Okay, I think you get the idea.

Sleeping in to such a late hour left me with a false sense of security and confidence for a calm and peaceful day. Heh, foolish me. Having both of my offspring home all day is never calm nor peaceful. Usually it's not so bad, but it's also not usually raining at 8 am with the temperatures at a delightful 38 and the promise it plummeting with a 'wintery mix' (winter mix in this case means cold rain then sleet and finally soggy snow and freezing temperatures, i.e. hell for those who the night before were planning to take aforementioned offspring outside to burn off energy and save sanity). The Little People continued to perpetuate my delusion of a 'calm and peaceful day' by requesting and eating a breakfast of scrambled eggs and juice. This is an ultimate rarity as scrambled eggs are usually met with twisted up little faces and whines of "ewwwww! I don't like scrambled eggs! Can't we have cereal?"

After eating their breakfast and playing with Barbie and her bitch Ken while mommy checked e-mail... no wait, scratch that, while mommy cleaned viruses off her computer (more on that later), the Little People investigated the tapping noise on the window. The tap, tap, tapping noise was none other than the start of sleet. Sudden excitement insued as they mistook the tiny balls of ice accumulating in the planters for snow. The door was opened a few times for their curiousity to be satisfied. Back to Barbies.

Then it happened, I entered the first level of hell. Near 10 am the sleet changed to SNOW. Big fluffy flakes. Somehow the Little People knew it was snowing without even seeing. I starting hearing squeals of "It's snowing!" and requests to go out and play. This worked briefly to my advantage to get them to pick up the thousands of tiny Barbie accessories littering my living room floor - "Well you have to pick up your stuff before we can go out and play." Then it all went to shit. It was now time to round up winter clothing. For some reason all of the nice winter accessories like hats, scarves and gloves were not where they were supposed to be. So the quest for the missing gloves began.

Glove quest.

Now I personally have bought no less than 8 pairs of gloves (well 7 and one set of mittens). Last month I bought two pair in preparation for the cold weather. This morning, one hot pink glove and one red glove. I told the progeny that they had to find gloves - them not me. This also worked briefly to my advantage as I told them that I was fairly certain that at least ONE glove was in the dress up bins, hence they would have to CLEAN the toy area to find gloves. By noon it was nap time and after many reminders that no one could go play until two sets of gloves were found and many threats were issued through clenched teeth (mine) a black glove was found, a black mitten was found and a light pink glove was found. 5 hand coverings, that works. Off to naps.

Coat? What coat?

After short naps (DAMN!) Hell resumed, this time I was on a much deeper level having taken the express elevator as directed by my offspring. The tiny terrorists wanted to go out even more now. I asked a simple question "where is your coat Super Girl?" "I dunno." Grrrr... After 2 hours of me telling her to LOOK FOR IT, it was determined her coat is NOT in the house. Not happy now. Very NOT happy. But it's workable. I start dressing the kids for playing outside in the now 28 degree temperatures (19 with the wind chill) and ask yet another seemingly simple question "Where is your hat Cabbage Patch?" "I dunno." Damn it.

I saw the freaking hat just yesterday. I don't know what they did with it. I told them that if Cabbage Patch did NOT have a hat, then no one would go out to play in the snow. It took them a half an hour to actually go up stairs and find the damn hat. at 4:30 pm with hats, mismatched gloves, warm clothing and scarves, we ventured out into the weather to play. We returned at 5 pm to have hot chocolate and peanutbutter crackers. I hate snow almost as much as I hate snow days.
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!
But Fer Fucks-Sake Make It Stop In Dallas!

Fuck it's snowing here. I dislike snow. Snowing in Dallas means dangerous driving conditons. And cold. I don't like to be cold and since my sweetie is far, far away from me, I don't even have someone to snuggle with under the covers. *pout*

Stop Snowing Damn It! Okay, I feel better.
Damn The Other Grandparents!!
Or What An Incredibly Shallow Bitch I Am.

So K has been finalizing plans with his family regarding our X-mas get together. This means gift exchange. *sigh* This usually means more crappy toys for my offspring. This year at the annual Thanksgiving thing the grandparents requested ideas on what to get for my offspring. I generally ask that people NOT get my progeny toys as the house already looks like I've robbed a toy store. I rattled off a list of acceptable DVDs to get for the kids. I did this as last year Grandpa H managed to give the progeny the most horrible and horendously awful gifts - two talking books (one that expecially annoying purple fiend) and a DVD *"the Great Longneck Migration". Now the real bitch as far as awful presents is that KIDS LOVE THEM! If you as a parent have the urge to jab red hot spoons in your ears every fucking time you hear it (because they are always noisy), then your offspring will LOVE it. And by love I mean play with it to the exclusion of everything else, I mean drag it everywhere they go, I mean hold on to it for dear life every time you even attempt to take it away (for a moment's peace and to make it 'disapear'), I mean they will take it to bed with them for safe keeping, I mean they use it drive the very last particle of sanity out of your very being, that kind of LOVE (obsession).

The list I gave was short and included things I KNEW I could tolerate and one thing I absolutly LOVE. I listed Barbie movies (which do suck but I can ignore and it totally mesmerizes them for about 15 - 20 minutes) and Shrek 2 (I figured asking for Spiderman 2 would be to obvious that it was for me and not them). K spoke to his father and his father told him that he had purchased a Barbie movie and some jacked up baby genius DVDs. WHAT????? No SHREK 2?!?!?!? What on earth does my child NEED to learn at this point that she can't get from Shrek 2??? Really???

First the grandparents on my side send a box full of packing peanuts cleverly disguised as packing for a few toys (but I know it was just to mess up my living room!!!) and now the other doesn't come trough with Shrek 2???? What is wrong with them??? (really and truely the wee ones have wanted Shrek 2 since they saw it in the theater, so it's NOT just me) Just for that I am going to photo copy my ticket and give it to them with a note telling them to contact the Plano Police dept for their present as that's where the pressie money went. (not really, K won't let me do that!)

* 'The Great Longneck Migration' is one of the worst childrens movies ever made. I am appaled and disgusted that James Garner is so down on his luck that he actually did a voice in this piece of crap. This movie does however explain why the dinos became extinct. Seems that all of the plant eaters were sappy, emotional, whiney, irritating and tended to break out into a song and dance routine at the drop of a hat making them easy prey for the less sappy, emotional and not at all whiney or musically inclined preditors.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Two Snaps Up And a Circle!

I just saw that among the Barbies and accessories there was some clothing options for Ken (fag). I had to stifle my laughter as I saw what the Little People chose for him to wear today. Ken truly is the Gayest Of Them All in this outfit - fer fucks sake he's got on GOLD shoes!!!!

I've always had a serious shoe fixation. I won't mention the exact number of pairs of shoes I own as the number is rediculous. One time before I got married I counted all the pairs of shoes as I packed them in box after box and the total was 67. Yes I do have delirious dreams of squandering a small countries wealth on fine and fancy footwear. Imelda was to be envied.

But I digress (as usual), the Little People recieved Barbie and accessories last night from their favorite aunt (D) and her best friend Barrie (their favorite 'aunt'). This morning as I looked at the nightmare of cleaning of accesories on the floor I could not help but be insanely jealous over Barbie's fantastic shoes! (the gold stilettos are my favorite although I can't walk in stilettos to save my life)

Yes I know I need help. Maybe all the cookies for breakfast is affecting my brain today.

Monday, December 20, 2004

Near Jail Experience

Sometimes I tempt fate/karma/destiny and I don't even know it. Last night as we drove through Plano to go to the freaking Super Target (we had a gift card and figured we'd buy some overpriced groceries there and save our cash) I told K about how I felt a tad guilty because I had sold a package to a couple for $94 but I should have talked them into buying the $89 package instead as they would have gotten more and would have saved a few dollars. As I start this story and how my sad sales for yesterday were probably my karmic pay off for that, I pull up to a red light right next to a Plano police car. Heh, great. My cars stickers are expired. AND as some people know I'm driving around with a suspended drivers license. As luck would have it we catch the very next red light as does the police car. Damn. I hope I haven't gotten his attention but I'm fairly certain I have when he pulls behind my car and follows me for the next couple of blocks. K is turning red in the passenger seat as his blood pressure goes up. When I turn on my blinker to turn into a shopping center the officer turns on the Christmas lights and I'm officially being pulled over. As I park the car I tell K to calm down it's not a big deal and he feels the neccessity to remind me of the fact that driving on a suspended license is an arrestable offense - he didn't need to remind me of that, it had already flashed through my mind (like right when I saw the police car). I joked that it was a damn good thing I was wearing make-up and dressed nice as I'd hate to have a crappy mug shot. He didn't think I was funny.

The nice officer explained that he pulled me over because of my expired stickers and took my license - I offered him my ID as well saying "It has a better picture" which made him smile so I figured my chances of suffering police brutality on the way to jail were pretty low.

I continued to alternately joke about going to jail and reassure K that the sky was not in fact falling as the nice officer sat in his car with my identification (both license and ID) and pondered exactly how many offenses he could put on the ticket and I suppose wrestle with his conscience on whether to traumatize a couple of wee children by handcuffing mom and carting her off to jail in front of them. K didn't even laugh once, I was giving him my BEST stuff and not even a smile. *sigh*

Luckily for me they weren't filming an episode of C.O.P.S. so the nice officer just gave me a hefty ticket, asked me if I'd recieve notification of my suspended license - which I said NO, and it wasn't a lie as I have never gotten notification,(though I was prepared to lie my ass off if he had asked if KNEW about my license being suspended), he explained that it was (which I knew) and that I could go to jail for driving with a suspended license (which I also knew) and that he wasn't going to take me to jail (whew!) since it was so close to Christmas (I didn't bother to mention I'm Jewish) and I thanked him and was thankfull at that moment I didn't live in LA. :o)

After the whole ticket incident I needed a nice strong drink - thank goodness there was a Starbucks in the store. (no booze in the store, damn it!)

So now I have 10 days to take care of things. That's 10 days to figure out how exactly to whore myself out to make enough money to pay my ticket. Any suggestions???

*Note - if you feel the neccessity to tell me how I should have taken care of the stickers on my car or my suspended license, please just keep that to yourself as I already know that and really don't need to hear the obvious - I'd call my relatives if I needed to hear that one! No criticism, just sympathy (or silence) or else I'll send a band of Angry Albino Sock Monkies to your house to preform their ancient and evil Monkey Magic and curse your underwear drawer to be perpetually infested with psychotic gerbils. Now have a nice day.*