Saturday, October 15, 2005

Saving Ryan's Privates

Over heard recently: Ghetto Mamma: Jerald, are you playing in the dirt?
Ghetto Baby: *shakes head*
Ghetto Mamma: You want me to whop you?
Ghetto Baby: *shakes head again*
Ghetto Mamma: Then go play with yo car and get out the dirt.

DAMN there were a lot of State Troopers out on the road today. I eneded up with two of them driving behind me on the way to work. I tell you it's sights like that that make me feel safer... not really just a little paranoid really.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Keeping The Fast
Testing My Ever Loving Limits…

Last night in a blur of stupidity I went to karaoke despite my starting of my Yom Kippur fast (yes, yes, I know, karaoke is not exactly a RELIGIOUS activity, so bite me), if not for my promise to Porn Star to ferry her to above mentioned bar activity, I would have stayed home and not eaten with my family. THIS was much more fun though. Upon sitting my ass down at the table, I found myself informing out dear waitress that I would in fact not be having anything… at all... not even water. Upon seeing the raised eyebrows and incredulous look upon her face, I found myself explaining why and promising to tip even though she wouldn’t be serving me. She smiled politely and walked away thinking I’m either crazy or a masochist.

In accordance with the laws of Yom Kippur I shunned my leather shoes in favor of some… er.. non-leather ones. I opted for my very cool black polka-dotted rubber rain boots despite the dry status of the weather. It was a bold choice but a smart one for me… or maybe just a bold one. Anyway, they are so damn cool I may have to wear them every freaking day for the next month. I got many adoring comments (by adoring I mean loud laughter and pointing) for my fashion choice. I also donned a very cool black corduroy cowboy hat – that was just another BOLD fashion choice and had nothing to do with religious law. I look good in hats and it helped to cover my hair that was choosing to look like ASS as I hadn’t put any anti-ASS stuff in it. I was looking good last night… or… not. Slash told me that the shirt I was wearing made me look pregnant. Thank you, thank you, fuck you very much. Nothing makes a lady feel special like hearing that she looks pregnant – well that only applies to ladies who ARE pregnant, the rest of us, well it makes us feel incredibly FAT and homicidal. Now here is where I throw in an apparently little known piece of knowledge – one should NEVER EVER EVER tell a fat chick she looks pregnant unless you have actually SEEN the sonogram photos and heard her proclaim self pregnancy or if you are holding her hand as she huffs and puffs and is in the process of actually squeezing that kid out of her body. I laughed it off – all 5 times he mentioned it and inwardly told him to BURST INTO FLAMES YOU FUCKER. It’s a good thing I was at the beginning of my fast and not towards the end where I’m hungry and cranky and tend to hallucinate and can make a weapon out of just about anything including a gum wrapper (all those episodes of McGuiver have paid off).

Before the evening was over I found myself wanting a drink… of anything… even just water. Damn it! But I didn’t give in. Snazzy Seg arrived and her and Porn Star conspired to torture me by us all going to CafĂ© Brazil after karaoke for a hot steaming cup of (nothing for me) coffee and a nice place of (nothing for me) pumpkin pancakes. Fuckers. It all smelled fabulous. The extremely adorable gay waiter remembered us and asked where the other chick was, the crazy one who ordered the fruit last time and I told him that D was busy with her big dicked boyfriend that night and that I would not be ordering ANYTHING at all. Again with the look of contempt from the wait staff, but how could I hold it against him? He’s so damn cute and gay! We laughed, we talked, we had a great time, I finally broke up the fun with a cranky reminder that I HAVE to get up early and it was 1:30 am so let’s pay the damn bill and go home! Truly I was pained to leave our delightfully gay waiter as he and I were bonding as only a flamer and a Patron Saint to The Gay People can. I thanked him for NOTHING and we left, but not before the other delightfully gay waiters commented on my fabulous boots and how he had a skirt that would match them and that he’d bring it for me next week when we noshed there. Rock on.

I dropped off Porn Star and drove home. A rather uneventful drive except for the car being driven by a cute young man no older than 20 who paced me for 10 or so miles trying to get my attention. Being that I’m rather DENSE in these matters I didn’t really realize he was trying to get my attention until right before he exited the highway flashing me a big smile and a peace sign. I tried to imitate his youngster gang sign of friendliness but am quite certain I only came off as an incredible dork. As I drove on home I wondered if he would have paced me so long or flashed me that peace sign if he had known that I’m a 34 year old mother of two, I think not. At any rate it was a nice ego boost and I took it as a sign that the higher power that be was smiling on me.

This morning however was a different story. 6 am came far to early and the fabulous fog outside has rendered my darling hair into a something akin to a Bride of Frankenstein wig that is not in fact a wig but my own real live hair. I also was hungry this morning, really HUNGRY. Most mornings I’m not really HUNGRY, just a little hungry. Damn it. Since I am fasting, I am a wee bit cranky now. Hungry and cranky. I’ve taken my pill and that’s it. My pill and some water to wash it down with. That is permitted. And am I not lucky that the pill says to take with a full glass of water… full pitcher sized glass of water. Um… yeah..

10:25 am
What the hell is wrong with this child???? She’s had a delightful breakfast of cereal and milk yet she’s WHINING about LUNCH already? In a grating, fingernails on chalkboard demon voice I keep hearing “Moooooooommm… Is it lunch time?” Over and over and over. Sheesh… Although… it may just be the voices in my head saying that. The temptation to take more stomach pills just so I can wash it down with a gallon or so of water (and a samich!) is there, but I will hold fast to my fast. Heh.. that was funny. Okay, no it wasn’t even remotely funny, cut me some slack, it hard to be funny when you want a Ho Ho!

11:15 am
Watching the offspring feed the cats a handful of treats has rendered me jealous and bitter. Right then I decided that the cats are also Jewish and dumped their food bowl hissing “No more for you fur bags!” This would be so much easier if I didn’t have a little one around… or food… or water… or if I wasn’t conscious. Darn that motherhood thing making me stay awake!

11:26 am
I’ve concluded that coffee isn’t food at all. It’s a LIFE FORCE ENERGY! Therefore it is not forbidden… and by that we can conclude that Splenda and cream are also permissible. Oh come on! Don’t give me that look! Sniffing the coffee grounds just isn’t doing it for me. Damn it.

Never before has a cheese sandwich looked so delightful. I lovingly made it with just a touch of mustard, cut it into quarters and placed it artfully on the cute blue Ikea plate with a handful of animal crackers and a side of juice. Then I sat and wept as she ate everything but the crust, which for some reason just the sight of them makes me salivate like Pavlov’s dogs. I think I need to go sniff the coffee again.

1:12 pm
I napped with the progeny only to dream of Krispe Kreame donuts – lots of them! I dreamed of watching the “Birth of donuts” at the Krispe Kreame place and being at the end of the line just snatching up the tasty hot fresh pieces of heaven and eating them. I awoke to find myself gnawing on my pillow and my toddler just staring at me with a look of fear. I guess I should be happy I wasn’t dreaming of eating a turkey and awoke to find her arm in my mouth. Back to sniffing the coffee.

3:30 pm
Licking a mint is not actually eating it right? Licking is okay right? Because it’s not actually EATING. I’ve started licking different food items… NOT eating, just licking. Like cheese, cheese is a very lickable food. As is ice and coffee grounds. Yeah, so I’ve been licking the cheese, the ice and the coffee grounds and I’m feeling a little better now. It helps that the sock puppets are keeping me company, not many arguments except for that one on creationism – stupid socks think the big bang has something to do with a washing machine. The only bad thing is that the grating, fingernails on chalkboard demon voice had returned, most surprisingly it’s coming from me now! And the things it’s saying, unbelievable things like “If you don’t give me a lick of that fucking popsicle right this instant I promise you that Polly Pocket is in for a painful and firey death!” or “I don’t care if daddy said it’s wrong to lick the cheese, tell him he’s going to have to stop me himself and hang up the damn phone!” Other than that, it’s going quite well, I feel as though I’ve reached a level of spirituality that I never knew I had… either that or these hallucinations are just really weird.

4:30 pm
Isn’t it sundown yet? Do I have to wait for it to be sundown here? Do non food items count as eating? Can someone make the socks stop talking???? It burns! It burns!!

5:10 pm
I hear an unearthly voice speaking to me. It is telling me to drive to Taco Bell and get 2 of the $10 value meals and eat them both in the car on the 4 block drive home and don’t forget the packets of mild sauce. The socks are talking also, politics and arguing over listening to public radio and the Little People are covered in pastel colored foam. I’m not sure if any of this is real or if I’m just really really hungry and having problems putting my socks on.

5:36 pm
How embarrassing. K just got home and caught me licking the television. Damn that turkey dinner looked realistic! Is it over yet? Isn’t it SUNDOWN yet! WHY on earth would they call it a FAST if it seems to take for ever until you can eat that box of Krispe Kreames?

5:45 pm
6:57 pm… that’s when this will be over. I can eat then. That’s over an hour away!!!! At least the cats are suffering with me…well not really, they are sleeping. Damn CATS!

6:30 pm
I’ve regained much of my sanity and the hallucinations have stopped… at least I think they have. D is on her way over to break the fast with me and maybe bring me a truck load of hot Krispe Kreame donuts. I’ve started about 15 different things cooking in preparation for 6:57 pm

8:30 pm
D and I return from a ‘Quick’ trip to WallyWorld. I have no idea why I didn’t grab a box of Ho Ho’s while in the store, I could have broken my fast right after we ran into Shaz in the frozen foods area. I’m sure she wouldn’t have even blinked as I shoved 6 of them in my mouth, but alas, I didn’t have any with me. Dinner was full of fiber and healthy goodness (vegetarian stuff for D) oh yeah and some Smirnoff Twisted V Raspberry drinks… and a box of Ho Ho’s… and half a pint of Hagen Daz… chocolate milk… pizza… a chili dog… and some mints. I’m about done with the box and the hallucinations are coming back but this time in a good way. Yom Kippur in the hood is done now.

*note: most incidents mentioned above did not happen and are completely fictional as the truth was far too boring.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Yom Kippur

Yom Kippur starts tonight at sundown. This is the holiest day of the year, the day spent in prayer, repenting and asking for forgiveness. This is the day our fates for the coming year is sealed, the day we all hope to be '...inscribed and sealed for a good year'.

Because Yom Kippur is the holiest of days, I won't be on IM at all after sundown. If you need me call me, I'll be answering the phone (both) but I won't be reading e-mails. I'll post after sundown tomorrow - I'll have cool photos of a lizard and a frog from today.

If you call, please be aware that I'll be fasting from sundown tonight until sundown tomorrow so I may be a tad on the BITCHY side and I appologize now. I've been trying to eat enough today to make it not so bad tomorrow but ya know, there are only so many Big Mac's a person can eat in one sitting! (kidding about that, just the thought of that is vile!)I can't bathe tomorrow either, so again I might be snippy... and stinky, so you might want to wait until after sundown after I've had a shower - just make sure you bring some Krispe Kream when you visit.

Also in accordance with Yom Kippur, I ask for forgiveness from each and every one of you for anything that I have done that was offensive or mean. Specifically all the "lashon ha-ra" (lit: the evil tongue), i.e. all those times I've muttered 'bitch' under my breath when you walked by, or all the catty comments I've made against you, etc. For that I am sorry and ask your forgiveness. I don't believe I have to get forgiveness from President Bush or any of the political figures I've called Asshats and for that I am thankfull.

And the best part of Yom Kippur is that I can't wear leather shoes! I have a delightfull pair of rubber rain boots I'll be wearing when it is necessary to wear shoes. They are the BOMB!

Seriously, this is an important and holy time for me. I'll be back tomorrow after sundown, hopefully having been written in for a good year. I leave you with a traditional Jewish greeting for this time - L'shanah tovah ("for a good year")This is a shortening of "L'shanah tovah tikatev v'taihatem" (or to women, "L'shanah tovah tikatevi v'taihatemi"), which means "May you be inscribed and sealed for a good year." And I sincerely wish that to all of you.
A Cock By Any Other Name Is Still As Hard

Ahhh look, a quiz!

What kind of individually packaged condiment are you?

Korean Air Creamer

Though you were manufactured with a very small consumer group in mind, you're unbeatable with that Korean coffee.

Personality Test Results

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by quizzes and personality tests.

I always knew I was creamy!
Double Penetration Fun!

What a freaking crazy day! I had to take Cabbage Patch for her 4 year shots - which consisted of three shots. Poor baby! She did so great and didn't shead even a single tear! I got a call later (while I was out) that she needs to come back and get one more. *sigh* When I was int he office, I was told that the last shot could be done later, jsut before she starts school. Well, whatever, I'll just call later.

Something else...

10 Reasons Gay Marriage Should Be Illegal

01) Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning

02) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

03) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

04) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

05) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

06) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

07) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

08) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

09) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Re-post this if you believe love makes a marriage.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Seymore Butts House of Ass

Last night I didn’t sleep well, I kept having the strangest dreams! I kept dreaming of a cat party, as in CATS having a wild ass party. With music and dancing and drinking and all. The worst part about it was that I kept waking up and right next to me would be my cat! I’d look at her and think I was still dreaming and I’d fall asleep again dreaming of the damn cat party only to wake again with a cat next to me. No I wasn’t hitting the NyQuil last night. Cats.

Something else..

Conversation from yesterday:

ME: You could leave some Laura Ashley gloves there.
Her: I am NOT wearing some mittens.
ME: They aren’t mittens, they are gloves.
Her: I don’t care. I’m not wearing any stretchy glove, mitten things. No Glittens.
ME: Glittens?
Her: Yes glittens. Gloves and mittens, glittens.
ME: No glittens eh? Hehehe…
Her: You got it.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Yank My Doodle, It's A Dandy

So after working all damned day Saturday, I headed home to take a nice long nap. Ahhhh I love an empty house! I woke at 8:30 pm took a shower and debated going to Ben’s until 9 pm when I decided to go. Since I wasn’t sure of my availability of people to lace me into my red corset, I made a change to my garb choice that took 30 minutes for me to dig around and get together. I had to DRIVE myself as Shaz is in Vegas for her American Idol audition and Whysper was at 6 Flags for some company crap. *sigh* I can not believe you people made me DRIVE MYSELF! You know I get LOST! At any rate, karma was on my side that night and I managed to get to Ben’s without even a u-turn.

Bast was there with her amazingly hot boy-toy. He was quite yummy to look at, I may have to abduct him for my own evil purposes some day. It was a pretty small turn out, but still fun. Cindy, Whysper and I got hit on by two drunk frat boys. Shortly before we left, we got the joy of watching frat boys friends get into a screaming match with one of them, she was pissed about having to pay his tab (for 8 half yards!!!) and was yelling about being $20,000 in debt and having already paid her $160 bar tab and tipped $50 so why should she have to pay his tab, yadda, yadda, yadda. Oh shut up! We left after than and Whysper and I headed for an eating establishment for a very early breakfast. The only problem with that was the EVERY ONE ELSE in the DFW area thought of the same thing! We pulled into a Denny’s that’s on the way home and there was NO parking at all. Fuckers. So we kept driving, thinking that we’d see something off the service road on the way but we didn’t and the next thing we knew we were in my city and I led us to IHOP so we could share the Trucker Breakfast (Country Breakfast). But honestly, WTF is up with not having something open in three freaking cities on the way to my house???

Other stuff…

I looked at the offspring just a moment ago and see that she’s sleeping on the sofa with the cat laying on her back. I really should stop the cat from sleeping on the offspring… or stop the kid from sleeping where the cat wants to lay.

Fuck… why am I so tired lately? Don’t say because I’ve been staying out to late because I went to bed before 10 pm last night and I’m tired today! I think maybe I need to double my coffee consumption.

People who put hats on their dogs are just wrong in the head. See for yourself.

Kill Me Now

Someone Help Me!

Now, hat’s on cats, that’s another story.

I WIll KILL You For This

And stickers on Cats - well that's just good clean fun!


And Zombie Children...


Everyone should have one!

Wait... what was I talkign about... hmmm... off to find more coffee.