Made It Home Alive

The dinner and a movie went just fine (he paid), he liked the boots and I was home by 11:30 pm. Definitely no sparks there on my part, though I had a good time none the less – but hell I could have fun at a public execution (as long as it wasn’t my own).

MOVIE REVIEW ‘Invincible’

We saw ‘Invincible’ last night and I have to say I totally loved this movie. Which is kind of surprising since I’m not a football fan at all – Mark Walberg being in the movie really helped make this movie great. Okay, Mark Walberg having an incredibly HOT body made this movie great. About half the time he was in a t-shirt one could see his little hard nipples through the shirt and damn it if that just didn’t make me want to suck those right off his chest! Helping with the HOTNESS factor of the movie were several other guys and a variety of scenes involving them wrestling around on the ground with each other – oops that sounds kind of gay – I mean they were playing football. My favorite scene has to be when they play football in the rain – hot muscled men covered in clinging wet muddy clothes… oh yeah, I’m all over that… or at least I would be! All of the fabulous hot man shots made up for the frightening polyester and bad fashion that assaults the senses due to this movie being set in the fashionably challenged 1970’s. Aside from all that – it was a good movie! I would totally see it again… In fact I may have to buy it on DVD and watch it over and over (well at lest certain scenes… in slow motion). So… go see the movie! (Take me with you)

Blind Date!

I have a blind date tonight. I’m kind of nervous about it really, which is kind of out of character for me as I usually LOVE blind dates (one of my best long term boyfriend/fuck buddies came from a blind date) just for the whole adventure and excitement and sometimes that “OMG! I wonder if he’s a serial killer!” feeling. But for some reason I’m a bit apprehensive, maybe it’s because I really haven’t been dating in a while ( I kind of gave that up last year after a string of BAD dates… remember ASSHAT the one that said we couldn’t go out for a second date unless I fucked him? Or maybe the one where I ended the date after exactly one hour, saying I was terribly busy and had to get back to my sewing? ) – I mean there was this fabulous guy back in July, but unfortunately (for me) he’s lost interest. I should be really excited, this guy wants to take me to dinner AND a movie. Wow, a real old fashioned kind of date – he’s even going to pick me up at mi casa! AND THAT may be why I’m on the brink of panic. I don’t have people pick me up here, I prefer to meet people – it makes it easier to escape if necessary and it makes it harder for them to STALK me if they decided to become PSYCHO (i.e. the pervert psycho who called me at all hours pulling his pud). But that’s not the only reason I’m a little on edge, it’s because I’m not sure we’ll click. We’ve talked on the phone before and I just don’t think he’s going to really get my sense of humor (weird, sick, sarcastic and juvenile) because he seems a little dry (unfunny and humorless) and he may not get my personality (much like a mentally challenged squirrel who’s had too much coffee). I’m hoping he’s not expecting sex after dinner, because to be quite honest guys who buy me dinner never get laid by me (well there was that one guy who did, but we had sex before dinner then after – so maybe that counts) – it’s all those guys who don’t take me to dinner that get lucky (and that list is very, very short – almost nonexistent). Whatever, wish me luck or something – I’m thinking of wearing the outfit I wore on Wednesday (damn I love that camo skirt and green boots!) though I’m mildly worried that I’ll look like a hooker with bad fashion sense. Eh whatever!

September = BOOTS!

If you weren’t at karaoke you missed the first wearing of THE BOOTS for the season. I know it’s not technically cold enough to WEAR boots yet, but fuck that, it’s September and it hardly ever really is cold enough to wear boots here anyway. Ahhh time to wear the hooker boots again. Life is good.

Mardi Gras Party

So K has invited me (instead of his new boyfriend – WTF??) to go with him to a company party. Last night we shopped for a DRESS for me (actually we were in the store just looking and K mentioned to me that the party was semi-formal or costume and I said “Oh well I better look for a dress since we are here!”) and I found the PERFECT dress – it’s PINK with an obnoxious pattern that I absolutely LOVE! The only problem is that it’s a little tight in the bust but fits everywhere else – YES tight in the bust for me! I know it’s hard to believe since I’m not sporting D (or larger) melons on my chest (like EVERYONE ELSE IS – BITCHES!). No biggie though, it’s probably just from water (fat) retention from too much recent salt (and pizza) consumption. My real problem is that I don’t have a halter bra or a strapless bra and this dress is a halter dress. Lately I’ve had no luck in the bra shopping area so I may have to resort to duct tape or just say “Fuck it, I’m going with a gay man who’s not looking at my titties anyway!” and just let them be free (not likely).

Okay, off to do something constructive with my day.

Where’d All The Love Go???

Gay Jesus on a pogo stick, where’d all the love go??? Yesterday my inbox was just BURSTING with love and adoration (damn that sounds dirty) and today hardly anything. What’s up with that??

One of the BEST things I heard yesterday was “When you left (dramatic pause), it got lame.” How could I argue with that??? It’s true, when I leave; the lameness is palpable (total sarcasm). The best part of that comment is that the guy who said it was totally serious and I don’t think he was even trying to hit on me! Obviously he’s insane, but I now have complete admiration for him. This one comment in no way diminishes my fondness for the many comments that declared me being ‘gorgeous/hot/smokin’ hot/adorable/scorching hot/sexy’, but the total uniqueness and quirkiness (and complete truth – HAH!) of the statement has made it my FAVORITE for the day.

And today… hardly anything… a couple of e-mails to say hello and a dirty photo, but where has my adoring public gone? Eh, whatever, back to my BOB, I know he loves me. Fresh batteries are like that. ;)

Random Waste of Time........... Ahh procrastination

Stolen from La Seg’s Blog.

W H O . W A S . T H E . L A S T . P E R S O N . T H A T

1. You hung out with? La Seg and John, Sunday at Westfest. Mmmmm kolaches!

2. Rode in a car with? La Seg and John, I’ve managed to avoid being in a car since then.

3. Went to the movies with?: Probably La Seg. I don’t see many movies really.

4. You went to the mall with? I haven’t been to the mall in years. I have no clue.

6. You talked on the phone to? A wrong number.

7. Made you laugh? My cat, she’s being a psycho about the cat food.

W O U L D . Y O U . R A T H E R?

1. Pierce your nose or tongue?: neither

2. Be serious or be funny? Funny.

3. Drink whole or skim milk? Lactose intolerant… no moo-juice.

4. Die in a fire or drown? Probably drown, less painful. But neither really.

5. Spend time with your parents or enemies? My dad is the only one alive and I’d spend time with him even though he’s very depressing.

A N S W E R . T R U T H F U L L Y.

1. Do you like anyone? Yes very much, I don’t think this person realizes how much really.

D O . Y O U . P R E F E R.

1. Sun or moon?: The moon, I love the night.

2. Winter or fall? Fall. So cool and so pretty.

3. Left or right:? Right

4. 10 acquaintances or two best friends? 2 best friends

5. Sunny or rainy? I like both, but the rain is so novel right now, I think I prefer it.

6. Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream? Always chocolate.

A B O U T . Y O U.

1. What time is it? 2:33 pm

2. First Name? Judy… Judith on the birth certificate, but no one calls me that.

3. What do you want to do? Have that certain someone with me now.

4. Where do you want to live? I don’t know. I just want to have a simple life and be happy.

5. How many kids do you want? I have two, but I’ve considered another. Nothing is set in stone.

6. You want to get married? Eventually yes. I’m not so convinced that’ll ever happen again though.

8. Are you double jointed? no

9. Any special talents? Definitely, many special talents.

10. Do you make your bed daily? Not so much.

R A N D O M.

1. Which shoe goes on first? Left

2. Ever thrown a shoe at someone? Sure have. Unfortunately it wasn’t a stiletto, because that would have been dramatic and not just crazy.

3. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? Twirl and suck ;)

4. Have you ever eaten Spam? Unfortunately I have in my less kosher days.

5. Favorite ice cream? Godiva

6. How many kinds of cereal are in your cabinet? 1, it’s for the kids.

7. Do you cook? All the damn time. Want to come over for dinner?

8. Current mood? Melancholy and pensive.

IN . THE. LAST. 48 HOURS. HAVE. YOU.

1. Bought something? Um yes kolaches in West on Sunday.

2. Sang? Yes, aren’t you glad you couldn’t hear that?

3. Been hugged? No, and it makes me feel kind of empty knowing that.

4. Felt stupid: yes often, more than I'd like.

5.Missed someone: Yes that’s why I’m melancholy.

6. Danced Crazy? Not in the last 48 hours, but I plan to soon.

7. Gotten your hair cut? No.

8. Cried? Probably, I’m more emotional than I let on.

9. Lied: No.

10. Been kissed? No sadly it’s been over a week.

S T U F F

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops? No, but I have been pulled over.

2. When's the last time you've been sledding? .....I can’t even remember it’s been so long.

3. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone? There is merit in both, though I generally would like to wake up with someone I love next to me… it’s been a while.

4. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes.

5. Do you consider yourself creative? Completely. It keeps me sane, or maybe it just gives me an outlet for my crazy.

I Am For You Loving At First Seeing

Just a short while ago I received these two e-mails within moments of each other.

Hello Sweetie, i was searching for my heart angel and my soulmate when i saw your ravishing look and wonderful smile on your photo,which really swept me off my feet and i was so impressed,that made me drop you this few words of mine,.i would love to know you more better than i have already read of you from your profile,and also would love to have a some chat with you on yahoo instant messanger(terrymor_001@yahoo.com) pls try and add me so that we can talk things out more better.., because i ve never been so certain of a woman b4 and i want yoiu to know I got this feelings that you are exactly all i am looking for in a woman and just cant wait to read a reply of this note fromyou. Pls Kindly get back to me........ am onlline for you now


Terry M

Hello Sweetie,
I was searching for my heart angel when i came accross you loving smile and wonderful looks, Then i went ahead to read through your profile where i love all its says about you and i was swept off my feet for your personalities too, pls i would love to chat and get to know you more, so feel free and get intouch with me on yahoo instant messanger mickpaul2@yahoo.com online right now.
Waiting to read uand to hear from you my angel.

michael

Apparently I’m extremely irresistible to these men and from my vague and incomplete profile they can surmise that I am their ‘heart angel’. Both are waiting for me to chat with them so they can get to know me ‘more better’ as I am ‘exactly all’ they are looking for in a woman. I’m flattered and touched that two men of model good looks would be so swept off their feet just by looking at my photo and reading my profile. Sadly for both of them I’m extremely turned off by stupid men and their bad grammar, spelling and grasp of the English language has convinced me beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are indeed stupid and more than likely hoping that I too am stupid and lack good judgment… especially in the financial area.

I have just a few things to say to these poor love sick individuals. 1) Never trust an online photo to be an accurate portrait of that person. As all of my friends and family know, I spend literally HOURS in front of the computer photo shopping all of my photos to get rid of 175 lbs (give or take 50 lbs depending on my water retention that day), my full beard (religion demands I don’t shave it, society demands that I photo shop it out to get laid), my 16 facial moles and warts of varying size and shape (my favorite is the one that looks like Mickey Mouse – but I always save showing that until my second date), and third eye (I only hide that in photos, on an actual date most men are to horrified by the other items to even notice the eye) and of course to painstakingly photo shop IN actual female looking features (the doctor says the hormone injections will help with that eventually), eyes of the same general size and shape that are pointing the same direction and a complete head of hair (I generally wear a ball cap on a first date to cover the patchy bald spots). 2) Never, ever trust an online romance that STARTS with an e-mail proclaiming their undying love. I learned this the hard way, after 3 costly divorces from men who though they said they lived in the USA were for some reason actually living in Africa, Yugoslavia and a snow cave in the Antarctic. 3) NEVER EVER expect your internet lover to ACTUALLY be the millionaire they say they are. Again, my own bad experiences here, I really should have known they might be poor men when they kept asking me to wire them money until their vast fortune was no long tied up in legal battles due to the current civil war in their village. If only I had googled them or their villages! But what can be done now? Live and learn, live and learn. Always run credit reports prior to marriage by proxy!

And that’s about the extent of my advice for them. Right now I must get back to my mass e-mail project in hopes of finding someone to help me out with that Nigerian banking issue.

Practice safe internet!

The Culture Of Cruelty
Or
Why Do Females Tear Each Other Down

What an odd morning I had. I forgot to turn my alarm back on so I woke at 7:15 am and ran round waking everyone up because we were now all running 45 minutes late! Some how everyone got out the door on time.

Before I sprinted out the door with the Tiny Terrorist I did check one piece of my e-mail and we delighted by an e-mail from someone who’s only purpose was to tell me that he thought I was ‘breathtaking’. This of course left me all smiles and happy as I walked the offspring to the bus stop.

All of the usual suspects were already assembled at the bus stop when we arrived and both progeny went to talk with groups of girls close in their ages. I stood to the side and watched as I always do. I noticed some commotion in the group that Cabbage Patch was with and that Cabbage Patch was getting upset then she came over to me and said “Mamma those girls were talking about my clothes!” She was upset and I was irritated that the girls would be making fun of her at such a young age. She’s 5! And her clothes are brand new (and very cute)! So I did the good mother thing and told her “Those girls are just jealous of you and your cute outfit. Tell them to be quiet.” What I really wanted to tell her was “Look that girl in the eye and tell that girl she’s just a jealous bitch and to eat shit.” I really wanted to go grab the ring leader and spank her for being so mean.

Then I looked around at the other kids. All the girls were congregated in the same general area and the boys were dispersed in a few areas, most of them playing a spirited game of catch with a foot ball. The ones who were just standing around taking were directly in front of me so I could hear their conversation and NONE of the conversation revolved around how anyone looked. I didn’t need to hear the girls conversations to know what they were saying. I saw them whispering and cutting their eyes at another girl who wasn’t ‘in’ their group, then saw them whisper more. Most of the groups of girls were doing this at one time or another. Usually the younger girls (5-6) raced each other while the older girls sat and looked on and snickered in their little groups at the ‘outcast’ of the day. Today the younger ones decided to follow suit of the older meaner girls.

I suddenly hated the girls and not just the mean ones I witness on a daily basis being snarky and petty, but all girls and women in general. This horrible mean pattern of behavior gets repeated over and over as we females grow up. A lucky woman is IN the right group and can be the one making the shitty comments and cutting down those unlucky enough to be a little different or not friends with the right person or whatever. It sounds so juvenile that only school aged girls would do it, but sadly I know WAY too many women who do the same damn thing even though they have moved far beyond the school yards and cafeteria clicks. Sadly when we are adults we tend to pick at those we know and are ‘friends’ with. We women are a jealous, insecure lot and don’t like one person getting more attention than the rest of us or feeling superior in some way to the rest. So behind that person’s back we’ll make comments “Gawd, did you see her hair? That color looks HORRIBLE on her! Could that skirt get any shorter? That shirt is sooo tight – she looks like she might explode out of it!, etc. etc.” Or better yet, we’ll make them to our ‘friends’ face “That skirt is AWFULLY short don’t you think. Nice shirt, looks a little.. um tight though. Etc, etc, etc.”

As women we are some of the snarkiest and bitchiest people around! Now my question is WHY? Why do we as women spend so much energy tearing each other down and WHY aren’t we teaching our daughters to build each other up? And no I don’t think men are completely innocent in all of this, just that women/girls seem to spend a lot more time at it than men do. *sigh* Being female is a bitch a lot of the time.

Game Night ROCKED!

Game Night probably should have been called ‘The Night of Taboo! AKA The Come On My Face Game!’ We had a rousing turn out, at one point we had 9 people stuffed in my little living room – two of them being PREGNANT WOMEN. Let me assure you, I didn’t drink the water THAT night.

Anyway, it started out with La Seg and the Soldier, Claire and Billy, Horton Hears A Who and his wife and me. We busted out Taboo because La Seg has had the game for over a year and has never played. At one point in the game the Soldier or Horton Hears A Who said something like “When you’ve been having sex with a girl, she doesn’t want you to do this” and Billy said “Come on her face?” I think the word was either lie or cheat, but there was too much laughter after that to make any more guesses. From that moment on “Come on her face!” was the key phrase of the night. A close second was ‘Harrelson’ when the word ‘Woody’ came up because the Soldier said “Sometimes when a guy looks at a girl he gets a…” and after we finally guessed it he said something like “Harrelson? Why wouldn’t I be able to say Harrelson for woody?” which lead to a bunch of inappropriate comments… Think about it, I’m sure you can come up with them. Part way through the night Badra and Koolagh showed up with a couple of friends and played Taboo with us for a while.

The girls kicked the guys asses by at least 30 points. It totally made up for the fact that we had to listen to the men bitch the entire game about how we women had some kind of ‘female telepathy’ and it wasn’t fair. Whaaa-whaaa… babies!

The evening finally wound up a little after 1 am.

Enjoy the photo of the Soldier. It took all of us just to keep him away from the hot pink boa.


A little something for the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy...

No really, aqua and rhinstones are very manly... really.