Hitting On The Waiter
I went to dinner with K and the little people. The waiter was kind of cute. He was exactly K's type. K had been teasing me in the car about XXXX and humming the theme song from 'Love Story' ('Love means never having to say you're sorry' 1970's sappy love story). I started doing 1970's groovy porn music every time the waiter walked by. Heh. It amused me, that's all that mattered. Eventually the conversation turned to what a cute butt the waiter had and I started laughing in that obnoxious loud laugh that I always laugh. This got the attention of our waiter and by this time K and I were wagering who could get his attention, me or him - and whether he was straight or gay. After a the waiter enquired a few times as to what I was laughing about I told him we had just been talking about grabbing his butt. More porn theme music and much laughter. K got me back for hitting on the waiter that he was lusting after - he wrote my phone number on the back of the receipt. He's just trying to make me look like the bigger SLUT!!! And finally one more Song - just because it's got that classic '70's porn feel to it. Wait... Wait... One more... This one is called 'Boob Tube'! Yeah I know, I need help... Or sex... I'll opt for sex.
OK, just for you... one more song. I'm gonna have to get this... never know when I might need to set the 'mood' *wink* *wink* *nudge* *nudge*.
Friday, April 30, 2004
Friday Funday
Actually happened. It didn't go exactly as planned but it was not in fact fucked up as I had feared it would be. I'm tired from lack of sleep. The little people are tired from the non stop activities that Uncle Petey took them to. All turned out good.
Actually happened. It didn't go exactly as planned but it was not in fact fucked up as I had feared it would be. I'm tired from lack of sleep. The little people are tired from the non stop activities that Uncle Petey took them to. All turned out good.
Thursday, April 29, 2004
Friday Funday
I've conned... er... Convinced dear Petey to watch the Tiny Terrorist... Um... Little People I mean, for half of the day tomorrow. I'm looking forward to some NOT MOMMY time. I'm not going to put my actual plans into writing as I'm terribly superstitious from time to time and I fear that actually writing my plans would doom them to be visited by the Fuck-up Fairy and therefore never materialize. So knock on wood, cross your fingers and all that other crap in hopes that my Funday actually happens.
* Update 5:24 pm - I am starting to hear the Fuck-up Fairy's tiny little wings beating near by. At least I do have a back up plan for just suck an event. Funday will turn into Productive Mom day... Or it could just be my Curl-Up-In-A-Fetal-Position-And-Cry-Because-My-Plans-Got-Fucked Day. It remains to be seen, in any event, I will certainly have SOMETHING to do while the Little People are away.
I've conned... er... Convinced dear Petey to watch the Tiny Terrorist... Um... Little People I mean, for half of the day tomorrow. I'm looking forward to some NOT MOMMY time. I'm not going to put my actual plans into writing as I'm terribly superstitious from time to time and I fear that actually writing my plans would doom them to be visited by the Fuck-up Fairy and therefore never materialize. So knock on wood, cross your fingers and all that other crap in hopes that my Funday actually happens.
* Update 5:24 pm - I am starting to hear the Fuck-up Fairy's tiny little wings beating near by. At least I do have a back up plan for just suck an event. Funday will turn into Productive Mom day... Or it could just be my Curl-Up-In-A-Fetal-Position-And-Cry-Because-My-Plans-Got-Fucked Day. It remains to be seen, in any event, I will certainly have SOMETHING to do while the Little People are away.
Wednesday, April 28, 2004
Letters In My Head
These are letters I composed in my head this morning to deserving people. (this concept blatantly stolen from Cult of the One Eyed Cat)
Dear Roller Blading Woman;
I applaud you on your bold fashion choice. A bright red sports bra and baggy knee length royal blue shorts were sure to catch people's attention, especially considering you are a bit on the portly side. You have a truly amazingly positive body image and for that I am jealous. In the future I hope you will alert your neighbors that you will be out and about in that ensemble as it took me two straight hours of surfing internet porn to get the image of you out of my head, I fear that if I see you again, that picture will be permanently burned into my memory.
Signed,
permanently Scared
Dear 'BETTY T';
From the way you cut me off to get onto the freeway I honestly thought you were in a hurry. Entering the freeway at 30 mph is just plain stupid and dangerous (as proof by all the large trucks braking and switching lanes suddenly). Also slowly increasing your speed to 60 mph when traffic is flowing at 70 + mph is likely to get you hit or shot. I understand that many people who drive Lexus think they have the right to drive any way they please, that is a lie sold to you when you got sold the car (which is just an over priced Toyota). Please for your own safety, stick to the feeder roads and avoid the freeway.
Signed,
The Irritated Redhead Driving The Prism Stuck Behind Your Slow Ass
PS - you really should drive more considerately considering your car has personalized plates... I'm sure you'd be EASY to find if I were a gun toting psycho. You have no idea how lucky you are that I don't own a gun. ;o)
Dear Lady In The Jaguar;
WTF? Are you related to BETTY T? It's very fucking irritating to have you speed up to get in front of me only to drive under the speed limit. Your expensive car does not entitle you to drive like a dumb-ass.
Signed,
The Woman Behind The Finger Saluting You
Dear Person Driving The White Lincoln;
I generally don't let people get that close to me unless I'm planning to have intimate relations with them. This is my fertile time so I'd prefer not to have sex with a total stranger, I do realize that having the body of our two cars between us is a pretty damn good barrier method of protection, but I'd really rather not take any chances. Do me a favor and don't pass me that closely again unless you've bought me an expensive dinner, some roses and lied to me about how I'm the only one for you.
Signed,
The Woman Who Would Like To Thank Everyone For Driving Safely Around Her Cheap Little Car
Dear 7-11 Clerk;
Thank you kindly for providing me with the phone book, but I honestly do not know why you got so hostile when I asked you what the cost of making a call at the pay phone was. Was that some kind of an insult in your culture?
Signed,
The Woman Who Will Probably See You Checking At The Same 7-11 In 5 Years
Dear Orthodontist Office;
Fuck, I'm an idiot. I missed my appointment yet again. I had it written down and everything - just on the wrong day. I suck. Why did you stop the reminder calls? I'm such a fucking incompetent ass when it comes to my appointments that I really do rely on the calls. Also, don't ever schedule me at the 'other' office, I've been going to the office off Ave G for 4 + years now, if I can't even keep track of my appointments, how the hell do you expect me to find the 'other' office? Please keep things easy for me, ADD sucks.
Signed,
The Stupid Woman Who Can't Keep Track Of Shit
Dear Tiny Child Of Mine;
I am not your human tissue, please stop wiping your face/nose/mouth on my shirt/shorts/pants/exposed body part. I realize you are 2 years old and extremely cute, but the moment your mucus/saliva/food on your face touches my shirt/shorts/pants/exposed body part you cease to be cute and make me consider giving you to the trolls that live under the bridge.
Signed,
MOM aka The Woman Who Gave Birth To You
These are letters I composed in my head this morning to deserving people. (this concept blatantly stolen from Cult of the One Eyed Cat)
Dear Roller Blading Woman;
I applaud you on your bold fashion choice. A bright red sports bra and baggy knee length royal blue shorts were sure to catch people's attention, especially considering you are a bit on the portly side. You have a truly amazingly positive body image and for that I am jealous. In the future I hope you will alert your neighbors that you will be out and about in that ensemble as it took me two straight hours of surfing internet porn to get the image of you out of my head, I fear that if I see you again, that picture will be permanently burned into my memory.
Signed,
permanently Scared
Dear 'BETTY T';
From the way you cut me off to get onto the freeway I honestly thought you were in a hurry. Entering the freeway at 30 mph is just plain stupid and dangerous (as proof by all the large trucks braking and switching lanes suddenly). Also slowly increasing your speed to 60 mph when traffic is flowing at 70 + mph is likely to get you hit or shot. I understand that many people who drive Lexus think they have the right to drive any way they please, that is a lie sold to you when you got sold the car (which is just an over priced Toyota). Please for your own safety, stick to the feeder roads and avoid the freeway.
Signed,
The Irritated Redhead Driving The Prism Stuck Behind Your Slow Ass
PS - you really should drive more considerately considering your car has personalized plates... I'm sure you'd be EASY to find if I were a gun toting psycho. You have no idea how lucky you are that I don't own a gun. ;o)
Dear Lady In The Jaguar;
WTF? Are you related to BETTY T? It's very fucking irritating to have you speed up to get in front of me only to drive under the speed limit. Your expensive car does not entitle you to drive like a dumb-ass.
Signed,
The Woman Behind The Finger Saluting You
Dear Person Driving The White Lincoln;
I generally don't let people get that close to me unless I'm planning to have intimate relations with them. This is my fertile time so I'd prefer not to have sex with a total stranger, I do realize that having the body of our two cars between us is a pretty damn good barrier method of protection, but I'd really rather not take any chances. Do me a favor and don't pass me that closely again unless you've bought me an expensive dinner, some roses and lied to me about how I'm the only one for you.
Signed,
The Woman Who Would Like To Thank Everyone For Driving Safely Around Her Cheap Little Car
Dear 7-11 Clerk;
Thank you kindly for providing me with the phone book, but I honestly do not know why you got so hostile when I asked you what the cost of making a call at the pay phone was. Was that some kind of an insult in your culture?
Signed,
The Woman Who Will Probably See You Checking At The Same 7-11 In 5 Years
Dear Orthodontist Office;
Fuck, I'm an idiot. I missed my appointment yet again. I had it written down and everything - just on the wrong day. I suck. Why did you stop the reminder calls? I'm such a fucking incompetent ass when it comes to my appointments that I really do rely on the calls. Also, don't ever schedule me at the 'other' office, I've been going to the office off Ave G for 4 + years now, if I can't even keep track of my appointments, how the hell do you expect me to find the 'other' office? Please keep things easy for me, ADD sucks.
Signed,
The Stupid Woman Who Can't Keep Track Of Shit
Dear Tiny Child Of Mine;
I am not your human tissue, please stop wiping your face/nose/mouth on my shirt/shorts/pants/exposed body part. I realize you are 2 years old and extremely cute, but the moment your mucus/saliva/food on your face touches my shirt/shorts/pants/exposed body part you cease to be cute and make me consider giving you to the trolls that live under the bridge.
Signed,
MOM aka The Woman Who Gave Birth To You
Monday, April 26, 2004
Unforgettable People
While working every so often I encounter someone who is unforgettable. This weekend it was a lovely woman who had given birth to her second child - a beautiful 10 lb baby by (her second 10 lb baby!!) - just by virtue of the baby being 10 lbs I was sure to remember them, 10 lb babies are not that common and since I have given birth to two large babies I'm always fascinated by babies that are larger than mine were. Anyway... In talking to the mom, who was a bit reserved yet delighted by her baby, she mentions how she hopes this baby looks like his father, a few more sentences later she mentions that she buried her husband earlier this month. Oh... I know I had a dumb struck look cross my face. I didn't know what to say for half a minute. We talked more and I learned that her husband had died of stomach cancer. They learned he had cancer shortly after she got pregnant with her oldest (who is 2), when he got a clean bill of health they started trying for another baby, she managed to get pregnant despite the fact that her husband had undergone chemotherapy and while pregnant the second time a trip to the hospital with severe stomach pains lead to the discovery that he never had a clean bill of health, his scans had just been wrong. Very sad. I have incredible admiration for this woman, I am not sure I wouldn't be crying the whole time if I had to be in the same situation.
While working every so often I encounter someone who is unforgettable. This weekend it was a lovely woman who had given birth to her second child - a beautiful 10 lb baby by (her second 10 lb baby!!) - just by virtue of the baby being 10 lbs I was sure to remember them, 10 lb babies are not that common and since I have given birth to two large babies I'm always fascinated by babies that are larger than mine were. Anyway... In talking to the mom, who was a bit reserved yet delighted by her baby, she mentions how she hopes this baby looks like his father, a few more sentences later she mentions that she buried her husband earlier this month. Oh... I know I had a dumb struck look cross my face. I didn't know what to say for half a minute. We talked more and I learned that her husband had died of stomach cancer. They learned he had cancer shortly after she got pregnant with her oldest (who is 2), when he got a clean bill of health they started trying for another baby, she managed to get pregnant despite the fact that her husband had undergone chemotherapy and while pregnant the second time a trip to the hospital with severe stomach pains lead to the discovery that he never had a clean bill of health, his scans had just been wrong. Very sad. I have incredible admiration for this woman, I am not sure I wouldn't be crying the whole time if I had to be in the same situation.
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