Letters In My Head

These are letters I composed in my head this morning to deserving people. (this concept blatantly stolen from Cult of the One Eyed Cat)

Dear Roller Blading Woman;

I applaud you on your bold fashion choice. A bright red sports bra and baggy knee length royal blue shorts were sure to catch people's attention, especially considering you are a bit on the portly side. You have a truly amazingly positive body image and for that I am jealous. In the future I hope you will alert your neighbors that you will be out and about in that ensemble as it took me two straight hours of surfing internet porn to get the image of you out of my head, I fear that if I see you again, that picture will be permanently burned into my memory.

Signed,
permanently Scared

Dear 'BETTY T';

From the way you cut me off to get onto the freeway I honestly thought you were in a hurry. Entering the freeway at 30 mph is just plain stupid and dangerous (as proof by all the large trucks braking and switching lanes suddenly). Also slowly increasing your speed to 60 mph when traffic is flowing at 70 + mph is likely to get you hit or shot. I understand that many people who drive Lexus think they have the right to drive any way they please, that is a lie sold to you when you got sold the car (which is just an over priced Toyota). Please for your own safety, stick to the feeder roads and avoid the freeway.

Signed,
The Irritated Redhead Driving The Prism Stuck Behind Your Slow Ass
PS - you really should drive more considerately considering your car has personalized plates... I'm sure you'd be EASY to find if I were a gun toting psycho. You have no idea how lucky you are that I don't own a gun. ;o)

Dear Lady In The Jaguar;

WTF? Are you related to BETTY T? It's very fucking irritating to have you speed up to get in front of me only to drive under the speed limit. Your expensive car does not entitle you to drive like a dumb-ass.

Signed,
The Woman Behind The Finger Saluting You

Dear Person Driving The White Lincoln;

I generally don't let people get that close to me unless I'm planning to have intimate relations with them. This is my fertile time so I'd prefer not to have sex with a total stranger, I do realize that having the body of our two cars between us is a pretty damn good barrier method of protection, but I'd really rather not take any chances. Do me a favor and don't pass me that closely again unless you've bought me an expensive dinner, some roses and lied to me about how I'm the only one for you.

Signed,
The Woman Who Would Like To Thank Everyone For Driving Safely Around Her Cheap Little Car

Dear 7-11 Clerk;

Thank you kindly for providing me with the phone book, but I honestly do not know why you got so hostile when I asked you what the cost of making a call at the pay phone was. Was that some kind of an insult in your culture?

Signed,
The Woman Who Will Probably See You Checking At The Same 7-11 In 5 Years

Dear Orthodontist Office;

Fuck, I'm an idiot. I missed my appointment yet again. I had it written down and everything - just on the wrong day. I suck. Why did you stop the reminder calls? I'm such a fucking incompetent ass when it comes to my appointments that I really do rely on the calls. Also, don't ever schedule me at the 'other' office, I've been going to the office off Ave G for 4 + years now, if I can't even keep track of my appointments, how the hell do you expect me to find the 'other' office? Please keep things easy for me, ADD sucks.

Signed,
The Stupid Woman Who Can't Keep Track Of Shit

Dear Tiny Child Of Mine;

I am not your human tissue, please stop wiping your face/nose/mouth on my shirt/shorts/pants/exposed body part. I realize you are 2 years old and extremely cute, but the moment your mucus/saliva/food on your face touches my shirt/shorts/pants/exposed body part you cease to be cute and make me consider giving you to the trolls that live under the bridge.

Signed,
MOM aka The Woman Who Gave Birth To You