Saturday, September 01, 2007

Things You Probably Shouldn’t Say At a Work Cook Out

Especially when the boss is the one cooking…

Never say:

I’ve got to get some of his sausage.

And upon returning do not say:

I got one of his sausages.

And this is completely out of the question to add:

And it’s a big one!

Yes someone actually said those phrases today at the work cook out. The every so gay almost 18 year old cashier and I exchanged looks then tried hard not to burst out laughing. I swear one of these days I’m going to get myself fired because I won’t be able to keep my pie hole shut.

How I Look

I stole this from Bad Bad Bunny. Google the phrase "(Your name) looks like" and find the best one from the first page of results. Don't forget to put it in quotes, otherwise it won't work. Okay, so I did that and holy fuck! I laughed so hard milk almost came out of my nose and I haven’t even drank milk in MONTHS!

Here are my answers:

Judy looks like you captured a porkiepine puffer in your last post. (I don’t think that’s Kosher.)

Judy looks like she is having a very difficult time not bursting out laughing. (So true)

Judy looks like crying, that makes me a sista' draggin' caveman. (‘sista’ draggin’ caveman’? WTF?)

Judy looks like she doesn't understand. (A more true statement has not been made)

Judy looks like she's hoping that a casting director for the next Tarzan movie might happen by. (Uhh…. What?)

Judy looks like that duck is ready to attack your feet. (Aaackkk! Not a duck!)

Judy looks like she's about to cry and Richard's words hang in the air between them like a poisoned chalice. (Sheesh, he’s such a dick.)

Judy looks like fun in Sweden. (Baby, I look like fun ANYWHERE.)

Judy looks like she has been brought back from dead on a regular basis! (Oh fuck off)

Judy looks like a million dollars. (See I don’t look like the living dead!)

Judy, looks like they're gonna have to clean this area. (Well tell them to get on it! I’m tired of cleaning!)

Judy looks like she will get away with murder. (If only…)

Judy looks like a babbling idiot. (Ironically… I often am a babbling idiot.)

judy looks like a little angel. (awww you’re just saying that to get in my pants.)

judy looks like a monkey. (Not since having the tail removed.)

Judy looks like she is attending a wake not a romantic holiday with her husband. (ahhh… hmmm… GAY husband… what do you expect?)

Judy looks like Natalie Wood. (Before or after death?)

Judy looks like a very interesting piece of software. (Oh hell yeah!)

judy looks like the devil. (Oddly enough, I’ve heard that before.)

Judy looks like Sharon Osbourne. (Sheesh, I think I’d rather look like a monkey or the living dead)

Judy. Looks like you are going to be living on free dinners for a while when you get back. (Will this require me being on me knees a lot?)

Judy looks like she is in pain. (Probably from working on my knees.)

Judy looks a little petulant as she confesses, "It's hard for me.” (Well yeah, that’s why I was on my knees.)

And my favorite:

Judy looks like a crossdressing prostitute with implants. (Dude… implants?)

Oh Noes! My Orgasms Be Borked!

New Bob does not work. And that my friends is deeply disappointing. Not as disappointing as say having the batteries die in the middle of an *ahem* ‘workout’, but still very disappointing. I told K about my non working new Bob and we had this conversation:

ME: …I have a not working BOB
HIM: You've got other Bob's.
ME: and no Bruce Willis in the forseeable future
ME: but this was NEW BOB
ME: the one that if it was good enough would be called Bruce Willis
ME: on occasion.

He’s lacking sympathy. He’s in Austin with the offspring (spur of the moment trip with a friend) and I’m here. Doing what you may ask? CLEANING. And not masturbating. How sad is that???

But I digress.

So Close To A Near Death Experience

In other news I nearly DIED today. Easy Bake Oven tried to KILL me today. And I know not why! I love that car! And her lack of air conditioning and all her beauty marks and her crackly speakers. I love driving her – not in stop and go traffic that is, just on the high way. Oh, wait almost forgot to tell you about my NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE… well okay, I exaggerate just a tad… how about an ALMOST NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE or maybe even a NEAR PANTS WETTING EXPERIENCE. That it most defiantly was, I did nearly piddle on my cow print seat cover. So here I was getting on the high way after a LOVELY trip to Wally World to deal with the idiot WalMartians to get my contacts (what FUN!) and I was at the end of the on ramp when I shift from third to fourth and guess what? Easy Bake will have none of that – she refuses to shift into fourth! Or back to third… or even second and defiantly not first…. Nothing. I have the clutch shoved all the way in (the seat was all the way forward so I could actually be doing that) and nothing doing. I slapped on the hazards and coasted into the break down lane as traffic whizzed past me and I had a mini anxiety attack while asking the maker above why he would let me die one exit from home. I did the only semi logical thing to do – I put that bitch in park and stomped on the clutch then tried every gear. When I got to reverse it clunked into gear so I tried first again and lo and behold it went into gear. So to make a pointless story short, Easy Bake decided to work for me and I managed to get back home where I vowed to not drive her and maybe get on some anxiety medicine.

Okay, I must get back to CLEANING.

Friday, August 31, 2007

And Just When I Think It CAN'T Get Better...

It does!

Look what arrived today!


Lunch with Bruce Willis and now NEW BOB! *SQUEE!* I'm recharging my batteries as I type!

Fridays ROCK!

A perfect lunch with Bruce Willis. Who could ask for anything more? Certainly not me.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Blame Canada

K is an insane person… He just played a song on his cell phone and says “Do you recognize that song?” I listen for a moment and say “No, what is that?” and with utter surprise and amazement at my lack of knowledge of the song he says “It’s Oh Canada!” I blink twice hard and say “What the fuck makes you think I’d know Oh Canada?? I was born in LOUISANA not CANADA!” His response: “You had a friend you worked with who was Canadian!” Me: “It’s not like he came into work every morning singing the Canadian National Anthem.” As if that wasn’t enough, the youngest of my progeny pipes up “You lived in Canada?” I tell her no, mommy has NEVER lived in Canada. A few select words from K and Cabbage Patch burst out with “Liar! You did live in Canada!” Nothing I can say will dissuade her of this fact. And K, well he sees this as a great victory that one of my offspring believes I am Canadian. I think he needs to get out more.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Mayor Of Dorkville

That would be me. And ya know, today, I’m actually WEARING my DORK shirt so it’s totally appropriate. I’m not going to give you all details and force myself to relive my incredible dorkitude. Just suffice to say that I really REALLY need to learn WHEN to keep my mouth (typing fingers) shut! I swear, if I could have been virtually picking my nose at the same time I was messaging, then that would totally complete the moment… on yeah and if I had toilet paper on my shoe.

I need to go to bed now so I can sleep off my current feeling of being a freshman in high school having just spilled my chocolate milk down my shirt. No worries people, soon I’ll post something worth READING. In the mean time, go read a book or go masturbate or something.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Counting Cups…

And here I sit sipping coffee and using the free wi-fi at CafĂ© Brazil yet another night. Tonight I smartly left the family at Casa De Karmically Challenged so I could hog the Internet all to myself. This disconnection of Internet is quite troubling to me… or just proof that I’m addicted to it… and coffee.

And So It Begins

I spend all summer wishing the offspring back into school and then the first day of school starts and I’m in tears. This year K walked Super Girl to her class and I walked Cabbage Patch to hers. This is a good thing, I would have been blubbering like a baby if I had to take them both to class. I always cry when the first day of school happens though (and on the last day as well… but those are different tears). And yet I can’t help but feel a bit like an ass because I know others who this day is much harder for. You’ve been on my mind all day.

Moving On

This whole week has been emotional for me. I’m not much of a crier, D and I just weren’t raised to be emotional. I absolutely loath crying in front of people and actually see that as a sign of weakness… but enough about my damaged psyche… D left for Florida this past Saturday morning. She and Coco The Wonder Dog spent Friday night with me. Saturday morning after I had been at work for about an hour it hit me that my sister was leaving… for 6 months… the first time in almost 20 years my sister would be more than a 45 minute drive from me. Then the tears started and let me tell you, it’s hard to decorate cakes with tears blurring your vision. Actually it’s hard to type also, just writing about this has me in tears again. Sorry, can’t write anything funny about this, D’s the only family member I’m really close with and I’m really sad that she’s gone – even if it’s only for 6 months.

Luckily Saturday got really busy at the store and I worked for 11 hours then came home to collapse so I didn’t cry much after she stopped by the store to say a quick good bye.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Tonight for some reason was Super Girl’s big night to bring up uncomfortable things for me. Right in the middle of making dinner she brought up K’s older brother whom I affectionately refer to as Dick Hole. I’m not sure why she brought that up since she only met him when she was 6 months old, but she kept on with the questioning of me despite me repeatedly telling her to ASK HER FATHER. Sheesh.

THEN as if that wasn’t enough she brought up my ex boyfriend and started asking questions about him and why I wasn’t with him anymore and how he was doing, that he was really nice and on and on… Sheesh… that kid has quite the memory. Luckily for me the ex boyfriends are few and far between.

Not Much Longer…

Luckily I won’t be internet-less for much longer. I really enjoy the coffee here but I wonder if the mass consumption in such a short span of time is causing me irreparable brain damage.

I promise I'll post some happy photos and non-depressing, Prozac inducing words as soon as my internet is back up.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Somebody Needs to Cut Me Off!

Working on my 5th cup now. Still on the free internet...

Just had this conversation with my offspring who is the space alien...

Her: My Master was mean. He made me clean everything and scrub the toilet.
Me: Oh, just like me then.
Her: Yeah, only EVIL-er.
Me: Ahhhh... I didn't know it was possible to be EVILer than me.

Wow... all this coffee is AWESOME! I think I'll live here. Free internet, awesome freaky 80's music and COFFEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Sooooo Disconnected....

I'm still internetless. Today I'm reporting from the local Cafe Brazil which has FREE internet. I'm on my 4th cup of coffe (gotta love that endless cup of coffee!!!) and we are pretending to have a family dinner and not just be here to get fee internet (and COFFEE!!) - I look like such a jerk sitting here with K's computer while everyone else eats. How OBNOXIOUS! But WHATEVER!

Moveing on...

For some fucked up reason I still can't sign on to MySpace. I think it has something to do with K's computer and the fact that it's basically EVIL. But I love the evil, especially when the evil is getting me online.

Well I was going to write more, but K is now eyeing the computer. I GUESS I better hand it over since it's HIS computer.... DUDE... he just put the check on my purse! Ass! Maybe I'll start playing WOW now just to get get back at him. ;) kidding!