Thursday, February 22, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
I’ve sat here for hours trying to figure this crap out. I’ve had all the forms laid out as I look at the spreadsheet. I’ve cross referenced and added. I’ve counted and figured and the fucking numbers don’t jive. I’ve added the amounts I’ve been paid and the amounts I still have to collect and the numbers DON’T add up. I’ve talked to the Girl Scout cookie person and got the amount of what I SHOULD have left to collect and fuck if it doesn’t add up either. I feel like that guy from the Da Vinci Code. Fucking Girl Scout cookies. I’ve decided that the numbers are BAD and EVIL. That math is a creation by Satan himself and that this particular mathematical error is some dark voodoo meant to drive me to utter insanity. It has worked. Please minions of Satan, just make it stop! I don’t want to be counting boxes and adding figures in my sleep!
This morning when I dropped off K at work I saw not one but TWO COYOTES! Right there off 121 where they are doing a lot of construction. They were so damn cute I just wanted to stop the car and run out to cuddle their cute little furry rabid selves!
I was so excited by my sight of coyotes that I had to call K and tell him. He was just confused at first not understanding what I could possibly be talking about. So I just told him to not get bitten.
How about a nice cuddly case of the flu? Or maybe an adorable case of the clap? Don’t look for any penicillin to clear these babies up – you won’t want them to! I want them all! Come on, couldn't you just die from the cuteness of this sweet little heartworm! If you can ignore those eyes, well your heart is a black lump of coal and you eat puppies for breakfast so we can't be friends.
OHHHH! My FAVORITE!!! Someone needs to get me this adorable case of MAD COW DISEASE!!! I am in LOVE!
K Needs To Stop Trying To Murder Me
I’m just a stupid ho
The other day K brought home ice cream in the groceries (why do I trust him to shop alone?? When will he learn that chips and queso are NOT a food group??). This shopping trip he brought back much better fare for us as only one meal was completely comprised of fried foods (fish sticks and French fries). But I digress. K brought home ice cream. An obvious attempt to KILL me as I am lactose intolerant AND I lack any self control when said ice cream has ribbons of fudge and is loaded with chunks of brownies (just a note here, that was false advertising – there are the delectable ribbons of fudge but as far as the brownies… well not so LOADED as they promise… but not the less, quite tasty). Yesterday after eating a small bowl of ice cream I lay on the couch wondering if my stomach would explode or if I should practice burping my A-B-C’s. It was painful. I blame K. I blame him for most everything though. I think from now on I should stick to CUPCAKES or COOKIES for my sugar rushes.
Today is a most fabulous and amazing day! I’m so thrilled! It’s so beautiful outside! The temps today are supposed to be in the 70’s!! So you know what that means don’t you?? It means it is warm enough to wear THE SHOES!!!!! I have them on now. (See the picture) I swear the car drove better with new shoes. I love my shoes!
Can you smell me now?
Last night as I prepared a most disgusting dinner of fish sticks and French fries, Cabbage Patch engaged in the most bizarre of behaviors. I walked back into the living room to see her sitting on the sofa in her panties spraying her father’s cologne under her arms, and then rubbing it in. I said to her “Umm… stop that. That’s your daddy’s cologne. It’s not deodorant.” And she said “It smells good!” Crazy child.
Well I’m off to deliver some Girl Scout Cookies. If you haven’t gotten yours from me yet, WHY THE HELL NOT? Call me, give me money and I’ll give you cookies.