Friday, January 20, 2006

Mentally Incontinent

I think I've mentioned before how toddlers are much like crazy street people. There are many, many similarities. Both have no problem wearing the same mismatched outfit for days or even weeks on end. Both tend to walk around having conversations with imaginary people. They both tend to say things that you can only half understand and best. Spontanious public nudity isn't a problem for either. There are more similarities, that's just a few.

My sweet Cabbage Patch just had her feet in a plastic orange Halloween Jack-o-lantern. When I looked at her and she fell over, she just laughed and said "Pumpkin patch!" to me. I had to fight the urge to smell her breath for booze, but I know there is none in the house and I doubt she'd be able to hide an empty 40 in her teddy bear.

Later that night at a Mexican food restaraunt the child who only eats macaroni and cheese or cheese ate refried beans of her own free will. Unbelieveable.

This fine Saturday morning I had planned to get to work a tad early so that I'd be sure to be done with all my work by 3 pm. My alarm went off at 6:15 am which I felt was way to early so I reset it for 7 am. Next thing I know my cat is in my face waking me up and it's 8 am! shit! I reset the alarm then turned it off. Damn it!

Oh well, I snatched a heft commission from the weekday photographer this morning as she had taken some shitty photos yesterday and told the parents that no one would be here today (can we say BITCH?). No matter, I took better photos and told them how to cancel the other order.

Off to work!

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Oh The Crazy Things People Say... To Me

In a phone conversation:
Me: At least his cat loves me.
Her: My gay cat and my fat cat love you!
Me: Your fat cat loves me because she thinks I smell like food.
Her: We are women, to cats we all smell like food!
Me: Awwww! That was soooooo bad!

On the computer:
Me: I just asked K if he a canibal for eating that potato.
her: hehehehehehehe
her: I don't feed my dogs hotdogs for that reason...just too weird
ME: hahahahahahahahaha
Her: What? It might hurt them psychologically may look like a friend or family member
Me: *snort* hahahahahaha
Her: sheesh she laughs
Me: friend or family member
Her: well it could
Her: especially Oscar..he is red ya know.

See... it's not all me... the insanity is wide spread.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Life Lessons By Judy

Did you know that if you don't poke a hole in a potato before you place it in the oven to bake that it CAN explode rather messily all over the oven and leave a rather nasty mess resting against the heating element creating the need to clean the rarely ever cleaned oven? And that the SOUND of an exploding potato is one of those small noises that will make you say "Huh, did I just hear a pop from the oven? That couldn't have been the chicken." then go on about your business until you smell an odd burny smell eminating from the place that a delightful smell of baked chicken should be coming from and at that very moment you'll suddenly REALIZE that the odd POP you heard was probably the odd potato exploding. Yeah, I knew that too. Just thought I'd pass that little tidbit along before I clean out the charred pieces of potato from the oven.
Why Kids Suck!

Because I am the EVIL MOMMY and am MAKING my progeny help clean up (their MESS!) they have decided to pretend they they are both Cinderella and are playing as such. Guess who is the Mean Stepmother in this play? I'm blaming their gay father for this, I know it's his fault somehow.

Monday, January 16, 2006


It's funny how early kids become SNEAKY. Cabbage Patch is 4 and was just asking for more macaroni and cheese for dinner. I asked her if she finished her green beans as her plate was empty but she generally won't eat anything that isn't macaroni and cheese or cheese. She gave me a big smile and said that she she had eaten the green beans so I gave her more macaroni and cheese then asked her where her fork was and looked in the sink to see if she put it in the sink and lo and behold what do you think I saw in the sink? No, not a hippopotomas, stay focused here... I saw her green beans. I wish I could have taken a photo of her face at that very moment, it was hilarious, that "Oh shit, I'm busted!" look. Needless to say, she got more green beans and I get a giggle every time I think of that look on her face.

*update* (because you know you haven't gotten nearly enough of my self indulgent monronic discussion of my progeny's eating habits)

Cabbage Patch will not actually put the green beans in her own mouth, she has decided that the only way she will eat them is if i put them on the fork and feed them to her like she's a damn 6 month old. It's not that she doesn't LIKE them (when Super Girl was little she would only not eat things that made her GAG and even when I MADE her take a bite she would GAG) she just won't be bothered to put them in her own mouth. Sheesh, is it too late for an abortion? Just kidding! just kidding! Really! But I have considered Ebay!

Just filling space so sue me.
Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a firestorm - full of intensity and drama.
Your thoughts may seem scattered to you most of the time...
But they often seem strong and passionate to those around you.
You are a natural influencer. The thoughts you share are very powerful and persuading.

hehehe... firestorm.

You Are 60% Weird

You're so weird, you think you're *totally* normal. Right?
But you wig out even the biggest of circus freaks!

I'm weird? ME? Go figure!

You Should Get a MFA (Masters of Fine Arts)

You're a blooming artistic talent, even if you aren't quite convinced.
You'd make an incredible artist, photographer, or film maker.

WOW! I'm so freaking surprised! Me an artist, who'd have thought?

You Are Chinese Food

Exotic yet ordinary.
People think they've had enough of you, but they're back for more in an hour.

Now With Better Cell Signal AND More Toll Boths!

So have you missed me? Internet, I have missed you so dearly, it’s been sad. It’s not that I haven’t BEEN here staring at you and letting you suck me into your net that wastes all my time and sucks out my will to do anything other than just sit here and spend all of my time with you, but the truth is Internet, I have a fucking life and just haven’t had time for you. No really, it’s true. I’ve been busy Internet, I still LOVE you, I’m just BUSY. And about to get EVEN busier as I’m starting FAIRE sewing this week. WOOHOO! So yeah… if you are wanting to get me to be your bitch… er… sewing bitch that is, now is the time to get with me. E-mail me or call me or what the fuck ever.

Baby, What’s Yo Digits?

My cell is back up. I’m so pissed at myself at this moment because I actually MISSED my cell when it was down. Damn you D for getting me all hooked on the cell. I missed it most this weekend when I use it most. I didn’t have it to call anyone on Friday while driving to the club. AND most of all I didn’t have it to call people while driving between hospitals! DAMN! I’m sorry Jovan, I WOULD have called you to hear of your latest adventures (sorry I didn’t answer last night, I just didn’t hear it driving home, I had the music up to damn loud and was in a weird place in my head anyway, feel free to call again and we’ll discuss your most recent sleazy activities at great lengths), Gamer Boy, I would have called you too… probably woke you up, but whatever… and anyone else who’s phone number I have, I certainly would have called you on Saturday, BUT I couldn’t, I was cock blocked from my cell and I suffered from it. Fucking phone companies wanting their payments and shit. Fuckers! But I digress… the cell is live again, feel free to call me. ;)

Nail Polish Problems

Today is a holiday for Super Girl, gawd-help-me. These are days I want to call the city and ask just WHERE my tax dollars are going? Haven’t I had to pay school taxes since I moved here? How is my tax money going to a good education for my offspring if she’s home with me today? I mean, FUCK I know about the only thing this kid has learned today is that mommy is listening to some music that has the word BITCH in it and that mommy will throw away Pikachu if I fucking see it on the floor one more damn time. Anyway… again, I digress… I let the offspring take a bath so I can have just 20 freaking minutes of peace without having to hear them scream my name or me having to trip over the little yellow electric rat. While they bathe happily (read: splash around like maniacs until every square inch of bathroom floor is saturated with bathwater) I pick up my FAVORITE bottle of OPI red nail polish. Last week when my sister was over she tried to get it open but couldn’t, I had tried to get it open earlier that day and couldn’t either so I did a French manicure and just didn’t worry about it. Today I figured I’d see if I could get it open and I did, BUT… I broke the damn bottle! Yeah, I broke off the part with the threads. POP! It just broke off. I was just going to see if I COULD get it open, I wasn’t ready to paint my nails but at that moment, I realized that I’d have to paint them RIGHT THEN or risk the bottle getting nasty and dried out or worse having the tiny terrorist discover the state of it’s openness and using it to paint cryptic and evil runes of control on the kitchen cabinets. In between checking on the offspring in the bathwater and painting my nails, I managed to spill nail polish on my favorite leopard print night gown and on my hands. So much for the Tiny Terrorists making the messes. And at this very moment, my manicure looks like complete ass! So whatever. At least I wasn’t coloring my hair or something like that.

Toll Booth Boogie

I’ve been traveling the toll roads a lot lately and I’m SHOCKED and appalled at that. I’ve been spending enough in tolls lately that I could have had two tall Caramel Frappichinos from Starbucks this past weekend. Really! Can you believe that? My money going to pay tolls and not for overpriced coffee drinks. It’s cool though, so far it’s been worth it – I HAVE gotten coffee at my destination. But ya know, that just makes me think that maybe the toll authority needs to change how they do toll booths. They should do them like they do our sports and event arenas in the area, they should allow corporate sponsorship of toll booths. Krispe Kream could sponsor one, Starbucks another, Smirnoff Vodka the next set, Coke after that… And they could offer special toll tags that would charge you for a frappichino and a toll, a donut and a toll, a drink and a toll, you get the idea. I think I’d be less pissy driving the toll roads if I actually thought my money was going for something worthwhile – like coffee.

Well I need to go to the store with the Tiny Terrorists before they zip my cat up in a backpack again.

MORE later! I’ll tell you about the horrifying Snatchsquatch! Too much CAKE! And shopping in SEG’s closet.