Saturday, December 31, 2005

Happy, er... New Year

So here I sit after a LONG ass day at work and fuck I wish I was napping which is what I need to do as I have some festivities to be attending to later tonight as in getting wasted because it’s the New Year and I fucking can, but lo, I am not NAPPING as I so very much need to be doing because I am awaiting TACOS which I have demanded that K go out and procure for my dining pleasures… er… maybe not pleasures, but dining necessities… if that makes any sense… dinner. Yes dinner as I am fucking hungry because I got to work at nearly 8 am today and finished work at 5:15 today with just a mere 15 minute break, one Starbucks Frappichino (on the way to my second hospital), a large Dr. Pepper and 4 peanut butter crackers (Ritz). Now I’m all light headed and giddy because I’m tired and hungry and I WANT my FUCKING TACOS now. But I digress, because this is the closing of the year and I need to make a closing of the year post… or something like that… I promise that I WILL get back to the VIBRATING THING post. Really I will, but honestly I can not really focus right now… so tired and hungry… TACOS!

For now, I must make snarky comments about people I encountered today. One woman said to me “Just don’t make him look gay!” of the taking of the photo of her son. I started laughing and she explained how her husband made the very inappropriate joke that their son might be gay because he wouldn’t breast feed. Hehehe… And I laughed. I laughed and laughed, but she thought it was because of her comment but it was because I was so tempted to tell her that her comment was funny, very funny even, TO ME because my husband is GAY. I didn’t tell her, didn’t want to ruin her little funny with my real life gay sitcom life which is really quite funny in a really kind of sad way. Another woman made me want to smack her because she was having trouble making up her mind if she wanted photos or not (Jesus Gay on a pogo stick! It’s baby pictures not life or fucking death!) and with a very serious look (very fake nails, too much makeup) and tears in her over mascaraed eyes told me that she had an ‘emergency cesarean’ (on the freaking 29th!!!), in a told that told me she EXPECTED me to gasp, pat her hand, declare her a ‘poor dear’ and excuse her idiotness before bowing down and asking her exactly HOW I could serve her. Well what the fuck ever, my time is money, I told her I’d check back with her tomorrow or even later today and she informed me that I should CALL her to check and see if she wanted me to do her baby’s photos. I fought the overpowering urge to laugh rudely and roll my eyes at her and instead smirked and said I’d do that if I had time then walked out to take care of paying customers. This lady needed a smack and for someone to point out to her that she’s not the first person to have a baby, nor an ‘emergency cesarean’ and she needed to get the fuck over herself. Since I actually don’t get paid to do that I just walked away and called her moments before leaving today.

WHERE ARE MY TACOS?????

This year…

Has been one of the best years of my whole freaking life! I have the best friends ever, I won’t go into a long list of people as that would just be unnecessary and embarrassing to everyone, but you KNOW who you are and you KNOW I LOVE YOU.

This year hasn’t been easy and I thank each and every one of you who offered kind words, held my hand, gave me booze, took me out or held my hand while I acted like a ‘tard. You made me feel like I really mattered in this world.

Thanks to all of you who drug me to faire and to those I drug to faire with me. I wish I had done this whole rennie thing long ago instead of listening to an idiot boyfriend who discouraged me from doing this.

Thanks to everyone who let me camp with them, near them, in the general vicinity of them. If I was falling down drunk in your camper, camping area, tent, etc. I hope I wasn’t too much of an imposition. I had a great time.

Thanks to everyone who went clubbin’ with me and endured my frightening and trampy fashion choices. Thanks for all the drinks, and dancing and laughs and Taco Cabana after.

Thanks for all the gaming.

Thanks for all the sex and sex toys.

Thanks for all you’ve done, I am nothing without you. *smooch* *smooch*

And most of all, Thanks for ALL THE COFFEE!

2006 is going to ROCK with you around.

Okay, my TACOS are here. I need sleep and recharging for partying tonight.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Oh How I Love Things That VIBRATE!

Ahhh, but before I elaborate on the above fact (which is completely obvious to most people who know me) I must go into how very, very EVIL the Tiny Terrorists were today. Wait… wait... I need to go back a day and tell about THE CHINEESE RESTAURANT EXPERIENCE OF DOOM or How The Tiny Terrorists Gave Everyone A Reason To Keep Birth Control Available To EVERYONE. I swear yesterday my offspring were a good argument to keep abortion legal… even retroactive abortion. *sigh*

Anyway… The plan was for Badra to come get myself and the Tiny Terrorists so we all could go have a NICE lunch with Lerxst and Sable. We planned this a while back and it SEEMED sane at that time. I had taken Cabbage Patch out with Badra several times and she was always very good. I’ve been over to Lerxst and Sable’s with both offspring before and never felt the urge to lock them in a kennel so I was FAIRLY comfortable with this.

That morning I bathed both and dressed them in matching dresses then fixed their hair in matching hair styles (yes I know, obsessive). Badra arrived and the Little People were still sweet. We drove over to Lerxst and Sable’s all the while listening to the Chanukah Kids Songs CD Badra got for the Little People. Well I THOUGHT they were listening, but now I realize they were plotting and planning. We arrived and the Tiny Terrorists were gifted with a gift so evil and despised that I immediately planned to put it in the offspring’s luggage for when they spend the weekends with their daddy and Mr. B. hehehehe… Its fart putty. All it does is make fart noises and I knew that K would hate it so much he’d put out a Gay Mafia hit on whoever bought it for the progeny. So… Lerxst and Sable, if ever you find yourself being tailed by what looks to be the cast from Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, I suggest you duck into a Pier One or an Old Navy to get away from them.

The next thing that happened sent up red flags but for some gawd forsaken reason I kept my fool mouth shut. As we ADULTS were discussing where we should dine and all being terribly undecided, Sable turned to one of the Tiny Terrorists and asked her what she would like to eat. As a parent I’ve learned that unless that child is actually PAYING for the meal, the child should never ever make the decision on where to dine. Honestly, why would you trust someone who considers Chef Boyardee to be gourmet food and macaroni and cheese to be a staple that all meals should be built around. Super Girl surprised me by saying ‘Chinese’ and off we went.

As soon as we sat at the table and got menus I knew this would not go smoothly. I was fully expecting this to be a buffet place, which is actually mostly safe fro the offspring as they can choose their own food and there is an actual chance that Cabbage Patch will actually EAT something. I negotiated with Super Girl on food and pretty much ignored Cabbage Patch who had switched into BRAT mode the moment we got back in Badra’s truck. I scanned the menu and saw that there was nothing that Cabbage Patch would actually EAT on there save possibly some fried rice. I asked Super Girl three times if she wanted beef and broccoli since she likes that, but she insisted that she wanted SOUP. The special was Moo Goo Gi Pan and I recalled that we (me and the offspring) had eaten that once while out with D so I went ahead and ordered that since it came with SOUP and FRIED rice, I figured there was a CHANCE that Super Girl would eat the soup and some of the veggies. Cabbage Patch wasn’t going to have anything other than air and discontent.

The soup arrived and Super Girl was shocked to see what egg drop soup was and thought it was gross – more negotiations over her actually TRYING it before saying it’s nasty. Much whining had already started from Cabbage Patch who was bitching saying she wanted something else, pizza or something (she never wants what we are having unless it’s macaroni and cheese). Our food arrived and THEN the real bitching began. Cabbage Patch refused to touch ANYTHING. Super Girl only wanted soup but not the soup that was brought to her. I ordered her a bowl of wonton soup and people tried to bribe her and her sister into eating. I continued to mutter threats under my breath to the offspring with mixed results. Super Girl ate some of her soup and started eating the veggies out of what I ordered for them and from other people’s plates, but Cabbage Patched switched into WHINE OVER DRIVE. She bitched about wanting noodles so I ordered her a plate of just noodles and when they arrived they were the WRONG kind of noodles. She refused to even touch them. She scowled and whined… loudly. I finally had enough. I took her off to the bathroom to have a TALK with her where she was told to shut the whining up and that she didn’t have to eat but she did have to shut up and finally that if she whined again I would take her back to the bathroom and spank her. We returned to the table where she sat with her arms crossed, scowling at the world… but she was silent. We finished lunch in relative peace and I took home a lot of left overs. (eyes rolling up in head)

And how I wish that was the END of this horrid saga, but it’s not. The EVILNESS continued… More to come (and, uh... the explanation on the VIBRATING part, for now I must just leave you hanging though.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Pride Flag Menorah and Pink Tree


Well so what if Santa was right???

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Angel of combat and war
Angel of Combat And War-->
You're a strong individual who does not need the love
of other people to get by. You're a leader and
everyone recognizes that. You are represented by
the horse, a graceful and powerful animal that
rushes in to face danger and comes out unscathed. You
stay strong and are represented by the color
red, the blood of the fools crazy enough to
cross your path.


What are you the angel of?? (beautiful anime pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

Seductive Angel
~Seductive Angel~

"Wow this is a good one". You know why
you have fallen to earth and it's because you
wanted sex one more time. Thats a big no no in
heaven. Your lust meter is at its best, your
good at what you do in bed and everyone knows
it. "Heaven in a Devils bed" (You
keep it hot). Just remember to stay true to
your loved ones they take a while to catch up
with you so be patient... Keep your kinky and
adventurous ways they make up you. Your loved
one loves your sex just remember what they
like..


What Kind Of Fallen Angel Are You? (For Boys & Girls)
brought to you by Quizilla

You are a Dark Red Rose

You represent unconscious beauty and deep passion.

Your vibe: sophisticated and worldly

Falling in love with you is: wildly carnal and forbidden

Monday, December 26, 2005

I Measure Love In Coffee and Sugar

(my lovely presents of coffee, cookies and chocolate)

Just kidding, (mostly). This holiday season has been a lovely caffeinated one for me. I’ve gotten many, many gifts of coffee and chocolate (K has been absolved from all his sins of this past year for bringing me a BOX of very dark chocolate bars – a BOX as in 12 bars! The funny part is that they have a label on them that says ‘best if used by 09.05.07’ AS IF! I doubt these delightful morsels will last until New Years EVE! Of this year!)

While I’ve been tempted to drink coffee like a chain smoker with a carton of cigs, I have managed to control myself, if only due to my horrible reflux and the fact that caffeine makes it WORSE. If not for that, self control be damned! I wouldn’t sleep until next year sometime! Oh well, I suppose this just helps me to SAVOR my gifts that much more. But I digress (as I sip this fabulous cup of Irish Cream favored java), the holidays are a happening and I’m doing them!

Christmas happened and I worked. Yee-haw. It actually wasn’t that bad. I don’t mind working the holidays, especially a holiday that isn’t important to me. The people are generally pretty nice and I get HOLIDAY PAY, so it’s not to bad. This Christmas was pretty much like that, except I had been invited to a lovely dinner with a new and most fabulous friend, Rose and her family. Their dinner was set for 3 ish. Cool, I figured that since it was a holiday and I’d worked my ass off the day before, I’d be out of there by 1 pm or 2 pm at the latest. And I would have, except my last client was in the breast feeding class when I arrived. The class generally runs until 2:30pm and more often 3 pm. *sigh* I didn’t want to wait, I had PLANS. I explained the options to the grandma who was in the room and smiled politely, I told her nicely that I didn’t get paid if I wasn’t taking photos so I just couldn’t wait around for an hour or more. She smiled, she said she understood, she offered me money and she asked me sweetly to stay. I realized she was quite desperate for her first grand child’s photos to be made. I told her I’d make a call, I had a dinner to be at but if they were okay with me being late, I would wait and she did not have to pay me. She said that if I had a dinner to be at she understood and not to worry, but I could see and hear her disappointment and I’d already made up my mind that I would wait if Rose and her family didn’t mind. Rose and Mommy Rose didn’t mind at all so I went back to wait with grandma. We watched part of A Christmas Story and chatted until baby and mom arrived. The photos were fabulous and the family was so thankful. Then grandma tossed some money on my cart as I was leaving, I protested and she insisted very insistently that I TAKE it. So I did, I stuffed it in my pocket and went to put away my equipment, I figured it was $5 or $10 I’d use for gas money. As I uploaded the photos of the day, I took the money out of my ugly smock pocket and looked at it before putting in my purse. It wasn’t $5 or $10. It was $40. She didn’t have to pay me anything, them being so happy over the photos was enough for me.

So I left there and made it to Rose’s home and was maybe an hour late. I met Mommy Rose (whom I absolutely adore) and a cute friend of Rose’s. The meal was amazing (roast lamb!), the dessert was to die for (chocolate raspberry cake!) and the company was to fabulous.

I left at 7:30 pm, though I could have stayed all night and talked. I had a most interesting time figuring out how to get out of the parking lot of her apartments – I’m so ghetto I don’t know how to get out of a gated place. Doh. Eventually I did managed to get out and find my way home without getting lost (I had already done that getting there). I headed over to K’s brother’s house to meet him and the Little People and develop a lovely migraine (damn the weather!).

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Peace and Harmony or Temporary Insanity

Sunshine still hates Coco, but she's pretending to like the dog (in front of me) just to get close enough to take a swipe at her (she used to do this with my dog, poor thing was so paranoid around that damn cat). Coco is not quite so stupid as to trust the motives of Sunshine, she will let Sunshine get within 6 inches then back away which leaves Sunshine looking frustrated.

Now Dusty is another story. I just looked up to see her and Coco playing. I have just watched them play this kind of hide and around the corner and up the stairs. Sunshine is just looking on with absolute revulsion. I'm watching with confusion. Complete confusion because Dusty hates other animals. All other animals, I think she only tolerates her sister because they are litter mates. Every other pet we've brought into this household has been met with hissing and scratching. All visiting pets have been met with just as much venom if not more. But Coco, she was PLAYING with her. This is also odd because Dusty doesn't play much. She's a very uncoordinated cat, I've actually seen this cat trip, she doesn't usually land on her feet and seems embarassed when we see her do something like that. And she was playing with Coco... I could totally blame this on hormones as she's in heat now, except that's NEVER EVER made her even one tiny bit nicer to any of the other animals - NEVER. Not even the ever amorous bunny. She's a bitchy cat and for some reason she seems to like Coco - maybe she's just pretending to like Coco to piss of Sunshine (it's working).
You Were a Little Naughty This Year!

While you're not likely to greet Santa with sucker punch...
He's still not too jolly about coming to your house.
You might get a small token from Mr. Claus
Like some detox pills for your liver.


Hey! I'm the GOOD ONE! Mostly...

Thursday, December 22, 2005

From The Desk Of S. Claus
North Pole

Dear Super Girl and Cabbage Patch;

I recently got a report that you two opened all your Christmas presents early. This is a BAD, BAD thing. Prior to this even, I already had a file on both of you – quite thick I might add. I took some time to review the file and discovered a couple of puzzling things. Seems your mom is Jewish so that would make you half Jewish by default. Based on that evidence, even before this unfortunate event of early present opening you were slated for only half of the loot that the average Christian child would get (sorry, it’s the rules, I have to draw the line somewhere, ya know. It’s not like I really can compete with 8 nights of presents!). Secondly your dad is GAY! What the hell? I’m not even sure what to say about that, it’s really not in the books here, kike mom, gay dad – there is no entry like that! So I’m just going to have to play it by ear since the Elves Union is still working on a new updated more PC list of rules.

Here is my decision, since you opened all your presents prior to December 25th, you will forfeit all the presents I was going to bring (not really much to cry over, you only get half anyway). Of course I had to consider that you have a Jewish mom so that makes you half and you have a gay dad so that makes you… um.. confused… And since Santa is feeling sorry for you, you can expect to have some loot in your stocking, nothing big, just a sympathy offering. Sheesh… Jew mom, gay dad… am I going to know your house by the pink tree with rainbow colored ornaments and pride flag menorah?? My one piece of advice for you kids is to join a cult, it’s got to be less confusing than this family.

Warmest regards,
Santa

PS
Tell your mom to leave out some Jack and Coke, I have a feeling I may need it this year.
DisorderRating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:Moderate
Schizoid Personality Disorder:Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:Moderate
Antisocial Personality Disorder:Low
Borderline Personality Disorder:Moderate
Histrionic Personality Disorder:High
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:High
Avoidant Personality Disorder:Moderate
Dependent Personality Disorder:Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:Moderate

-- Take the Personality Disorder Test --
-- Personality Disorder Info --


Wow... that makes me almost sane!
Avoidance, Life’s Best Lesson

With dog sitting comes the happy little task of walking said dog so that it doesn't take a crap in the house. I just returned from that lovely task, I of course took the Little People with me as they are home and gawd knows they are so in love with this dog they are still in full on stalker mode and therefore that means they want to be near the dog even during the most unpleasant parts of the dogs life, like when she’s trying to take a crap. I would not be surprised if this dog files for a restraining order by Saturday.

ANYWAY after the dog does her ‘business’ in the wooded area next to the creek (place strategically chosen by me as to make the picking up of steaming piles of dog poo unnecessary), we walk further down the sidewalk before heading back toward home. During the walk I continually tell the Tiny Terrorists to NOT walk in the grass, that’s where the dog just went poo. Right after the third time I tell Cabbage Patch to stay on the sidewalk because dogs poo there Super Girl yells “Cabbage Patch! You got something on your shoe!” … yes, you know what it was. Dog Shit. Damn it. The rest of the conversation went like this:

Me: ohhhh… damn. Wipe your boot in the grass. No like this! No, like THIS! Look at me! Like THIS!
Super Girl: EWWWWWWW!!!! Dog poo!
Coco: Arf! Arf!
Cabbage Patch: Aaaaaaahhhhhhh! *running on ahead*
Me: Cabbage Patch! Stop! Stop! Now!
Super Girl: EWWWWWW!!!! She stepped in DOG POO!
Coco: Arf! Arf!
Cabbage Patch: Aaaaaahhhhhhh! *running in circles now*
Me: Stop! Now wipe your foot on the grass. No, the grass! NO… THE… GRASS. Right HERE.
Super Girl: EWWWWWWW!!!! DOG POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Coco: Arf! Arf!
Cabbage Patch: Aaaaahhhhh!!! *running towards home*
Me: Stop! Wait! Fine. Take your boots off at the door! Did you hear me? TAKE YOUR BOOTS OFF AT THE DOOR!

The whole time I’m considering just setting the boots on fire but knowing that’s just a little extreme and stupid since these boots are her FAVORITE foot wear currently (aside from the monkey flip flops, but it’s a tad too cold for flip flops these days) and she can get them on with NO help from me. But they have DOG SHIT on them and that makes me NEVER EVER want to see them again. Hell I’ve been known to throw away shoes after stepping in dog shit, but these are THE BOOTS. Shit. Dog shit. So I just demand that the boots come off before I even unlock the door and after settling them in to adore the dog, I take the Clorox Clean Up spray out and spray about half of it on the bottom of the shoe, I plan to do that several more times today and will probably leave the boots outside tonight and a final spray of cleaning stuff before I allow them back in the house. I know that I’m probably going to be haunted by phantom poop smell every time I see the boots though, so they ultimately may need to be burned for my sanity. Ewwww! Dog poo!

But on the bright side, my child has now learned a valuable life lesson: It's wise to side step the piles of shit.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Holiday Cheer


Isn't that lovely. Holiday cards! (notice the very cool Chanukah card) I've misplaced a few, but i'm sure I'll find them soon enough.

What a difference a day makes. So far this day is not a huge steaming pile of shit. Last night Coco the Wonder Dog slept in my bed. So did Sunshine the Magic Cat. Sounds cozy doesn't it? How wrong you are. Sunshine hates Coco being here. She hates Coco's very existance. Every time she sees Coco she starts to think of new and painful ways to rid the world of Coco and wishes she shot flames or lasers from her eyes. Every time Coco is within 3 feet of her, she poofs up like a bottle brush and hisses like an aresol can. She despises Coco to the core of her little body. But she loves me. Obsessively and possively. But love is love right, even if you have to get a restraining order (thank heavens she doesn't have thumbs and can't talk) Coco is a sweet dog. She likes everyone in my home... except Sunshine. She tried to like Sunshine, but Sunshine did that hissy, poofy thing everytime she got near. Sunshine tried to eat her food and still got all hissy and pouffy, talk about graditude.

Coco slept on my bed last night. Sunshine usually sneaks into my room and sleeps on my bed at night. Sunshine was NOT happy about Coco being on my bed... on HER bed. She spent most of yesterday hiding under the table away from the dog except for the few times she came out to try to eat Coco's food or just to hiss at her, so I honestly thought Coco being on my bed would keep Sunshine off the bed, which is good because Sunshine has a bad habit of licking my face at 3 am to show me the love and interupt my sleep. No, Sunshine would not give up her spot on the bed. Coco wasn't about to move. All last night she glared at Coco from her pillow and when Coco ventured too close, I was awakend by growls. What a fun night.

Today, Coco has started to growl at Sunshine when she starts that hissy shit. Today while Cabbage Patch was napping in my bed Coco decides NOW is when she needs to assert herself. I smacked the hissing cat with a pillow. I smacked the growling dog with the same pillow. They both shut up, neither moved but they looked away from each other and pretended they didn't exsist. They are like pissy teenaged girls. I'd throw them both in the creek if they weren't so damn cute (and D would string me up if anything happened to Coco!).

They hate each other. Funny thing is, that distance between each other that they allow is getting smaller and smaller. By the end of the week I expect them to be curled up together on the couch, quietly growling at each other. Ahhh, 'tis the season!

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Cutiest Dog In The World


See, not everything in my life is a steaming pile of shit right now, I happen to be dog sitting my niece doggie this week while D is in Florida visiting her buddy Mickey for the holidays. Tonight I'll have the sweetest dog curled up on my bed as my cat crouches in a corner and plots her death. Man, life is great.
Bah! Humbug! Part II
Or
What The Hell Was I Thinking???


Today I had the insane thought that when K got home we would grab a quick dinner and go to the store to do some quick holiday shopping then to the grocery store to pick up some stuff to make cookies for Super Girl's holiday party tomorrow. Seems simple, right? Well that's where your thinking is just WRONG.

We get in the car and begin negotiations on where to go to dinner, just as we pass the exit to go to the NEW Cafe Brazil in my area is when we decide that is where we will have dinner. Fine, no problem, take the next exit and turn around. I go to turn around and K advises me to go to the next street and take a right... well as soon as it's too damn late to go the way I had originally planned, I see that traffic is at a stand still due to an accident. Now, this would normally only be a minor anoyance except that tonight I had the Tiny Terrorist in full CHAOS and DESTRUCTION mode and they were bickering in the back seat and yelling for me or K to intervien. I turned the music up and tried to drown out their noise.

Eventually we made it to Cafe Brazil where I prayed that the copious amounts of coffee I was soon to ingest would help to get rid of my pounding headache. One bright spot, Tuesdays at this Cafe Brazil, kids eat free. Yay. Dinner starts out nice and peaceful even but eventually disolves into whining and petulance and a sibling smacking incident. By the time we pay and leave I could swear I heard the waitstaff muttering something about duct tape and muzzles. Off to Half Price Books we go.

Half Price Books where everything is FINE until it's time to go and Cabbage Patch learns that we are NOT buying HER books wherein she proceeds to let EVERYONE know that she's NOT happy and she WANTS a BOOK. I'm sure EVERYONE in the store enjoyed that and a few probably swore off EVER having children at that very moment. By the time I was finished paying for our books, Super Girl had decided that her sister could not garner more negative attention than her and she started acting like a monkey on crack and couldn't keep her hands off ANYTHING and refused to listen to ME. When we got to the door I gave them both the Vulcan Mommy Arm Pinch and spoke to them through clenched teeth about how we don't act like maniacs in stores and though I got several 'yes ma'am's, I knew I was talking to myself.

Off to Albertsons we went to get cookie stuff. By this time I was ready to just throw in the towel and head home, but I had it in my twisted little mind that I WAS going to do the cookies for the damn holiday party. I figured I'd just buy the slice and bake kind then let the kids decorate them. Much to my irritation ALL of the slice and bake packages of sugar cookie dough was gone. ALL that was left was two tubes of chocolate chip cookie dough. Damn it. We left Albies and headed to Brookshires in hopes of finding the sugar cookie dough. Although in the short drive from Albertsons to Brookshires due to the constant whining and bickering of the Tiny Terrorists I had lost my will to bake and instead opted for two packages of cookies from the bakery section. We paid and got the hell out of there before I felt the urge to buy a package of razors and end it right there in line.

The Tiny Terrorists whined the ENTIRE way home and right up until they went to bed. If I have a hangover tomorrow I know it'll be from all the whine I've had today.

I never want to have to shop for anything ever again during the holiday season. Next year I swear I will stock my kitchen in November so that I don't have to shop until the second week of January. If I haven't bought gifts for people prior to the holiday shopping season, I will just send them a note telling them that I love them but I can not shop for them right at that moment as the thought of being in any store during this time of year makes me want to slit my wrists with my debit card.

Happy holidays and all that other crap.
Bah! Humbug!

This morning right after K left for work, the Tiny Terrorists convened in their room to commence naughtiness. After a few moments, I got smart that something was up and headed up to ther lair to investigate. What I found made my head nearly explode in a shower of lava, brimstone and sparks. I saw my progeny crouched on the floor trying to hide holiday gifts freshly unwrapped. Agggfhhhhhhfuckkkkkkdaaammmnnittohellllllshhhhhittfffuck! I composed myself and controlled my impulse to tell them that opening their presents early had caused Santa Claus to have a heart attack and die, that Christmas was ruined and everyone would hate them so they might as well decide to be Jewish now. Just kidding, my urge was more along the lines of just spanking them both THEN telling them that they'd get no presents until they turn 35. But I digress, I confiscated the pressies and hearded my offspring down stairs so Super Girl could finish getting ready for school. Cabbage Patch was banished to my bedroom to sit in my bed and watch Muppet Treasure Island. That is where she last was when I walked Super Girl to the bus.

And more badness occurs...

When I return, Cabbage Patch is still sitting in my bed and watching Muppet Treasure Island. She smiles at me then states that she moved all the presents into my room. I say 'you don't need to touch the presents' thinking she meant the ones she already opened that morning and glance at the little pink Christmas tree and notice with astonishment that it's present-less now. My eyes bug out of my head, steam pours out of my ears and my face becomes the visage of a skull as I think "I should have spanked them!" All of the presents save one are now unwrapped and stacked in my room. My brain can not comprehend what has just happened except that I'm mightly tempted to inform my 4 year old that the holidays are offically over. But I didn't. I just informed her that I was PISSED and she was in TROUBLE and was GROUNDED from the computer for 2 weeks.

I decided to consult K before I informed my children that their actions made Santa hate them and 15 kittens were killed because of it and the baby Jesus himself cried because even he knew not to open that box of frankensence before the Virgin Mary set it in front of him on Christmas morning after he had gotten the chocolate out of his stocking. I figured since Christmas was in K's department of religious instruction for the offspring, I'd consult with him first. His decision is that they get the pressents on Christmas and I'm not to set them on fire or take down the decorations or tell them that Santa has put a hit out on them. I did tell him that they would both be grounded from the computer for the duration of Super Girl's winter break (which he though was harsh). He said that there would be no Santa gifts this year though, and I'm starting to work on the letter from Santa to the kids - I'll post it later and you can let me know if I'll be causing them permanent psychological damage and many many years of counseling in their future.

Must go, off to fold laundry and ponder the best way to ruin my progeny's childhood yet not look like the bad guy.
Party Crashing and Thrashing

Saturday night was Whysper’s company holiday party. The invitation said it was to be a swanky affair at the DMA with fabulous gourmet food and casino gambling (with fake money). Our friend The Chef works at the DMA as… well... a chef and he was going to be working that night. Since Whysper had an opening for a GUEST to join her for the party, it was then that Jill and I had to fight it out to decide which of us got the privilege of being the GUEST. Gourmet food? Fake gambling? Free booze? Hell I was all over that. I had Jill pinned in a half nelson in less than 2 minutes and begging for mercy… well not really… I won by default because she had her kid that weekend. Custodial weekends rock!

Friday night when Whysper came to get us to go see lights she dropped off a very pretty dress for me to wear to the party – she knows better than to trust me to dress myself, I’d have show up in something short, low cut and finished off with fishnets and boots (hey, I look good in my club wear!). The dress fit perfectly and all I had to do was find some appropriate shoes.

Saturday at my big hospital I had 22 babies on my list to get taken care of. Fuck. Despite the fact that I didn’t arrive at that hospital until nearly 11 am I still expected to be out of there by 3 pm. HAR, HAR, HAR! I worked without a break until 5:15 when I walked out of the hospital. That meant that I’d have maybe 30-40 minutes to get ready. Fine, I can do that, it only takes 10 minutes to put on make up, 10 minutes to make my hair look FABULOUS and that leaves another 10-20 to search for the PERFECT SHOES.

After making my hair fabulous and applying copious amounts of sparkly eye makeup, I started to dig through the mountain of shoes I have. I found three possibilities to choose from. One a most fabulous antique pair black pair with pointy toe, super slim heel and velvet bow, another a beautiful black velvet pair of heels with cut outs that I wore one time and finally a cute black satin pair of pumps with ankle strap and rhinestone clasp. I put on my favorites – the antique ones to see if they would cause me great pain and about the time that I was doing my test walk through my living room, Whysper arrived! So no time to check the others, off we went.

We arrived, got our fake money, checked out coats and headed for the food line. Damn it was good! I’m not going to go into what it was, because that would just make you jealous. We ate, we drank, we talked, we had fun. I kept pointing out hot men to Whysper telling her I was mentally placing a sticky note on each so that she could find out about them for me. Whysper showed great composure and patience by not smacking me upside the head every time I did that (and I’m glad she didn’t as I’d probably have a nasty concussion since I was virtually marking every hot man sans a wedding ring that walked by, and I’m happy to say that Whysper has in fact has done some checking on the HOT Cowboy that I was drooling over).

The most interesting thing to happen at the party was for me to run into someone I went to high school with. I managed to catch up to him after walking past him twice and realizing that it was in fact Jason S. We had a short and very animated conversation (seems I talk with my hands) in which my high school nemesis was mentioned, where in he said that he had slept with her, but I knew that because she told me, and the mentioned that he was her first, but again I knew that because she told me, we exchanged kid facts (his one to my two), job facts, marriage facts (his normal, mine gay) and all the normal type crap that one exchanges with someone you haven’t seen in like 16 years. Then we left, out fake money had run out and the bar was closed!

Off to the thrasher bar! Whysper’s friends were playing in a bar down in Deep Ellum. It was exactly what one would expect for Deep Ellum, dirty looking, dark and seedy and we were WAY over dressed to be there. The band was cool, the music was great and we had much fun. We must do it again… except not in sparkly dresses and heels.
Super Girl is such a dork, I asked her why she didn't get a smiley face today at school and she said "I'm to excited about, you know (dramatic pause while giving me a serious look) Christmas".

Saturday, December 17, 2005

"Jesus Acends To Heaven On A Stick"

That's what Super Girl just told K about the Jesus section of Santa Land. Jesus on a stick, but it kind of looked like Jesus had been lynched. The lights were very cool though, the Little People LOVED it.

Just part of my morning cup of coffee, make mine with a little cream and insanity as usual please.

So here I sit, I should be at work but I'd rather just sit here on my ass and do NOTHING. The morning here started with the sound of manical screaming (Cabbage Patch) and giggling (Super Girl) and then two children (one sans her jammies) running down the stairs.

Damn this headache. Off to work.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Photos! Photos! Photos!

Below are some selected photos from Ben's.

Two Headed Shan-dy beast!


Ohhhhh... He's so shiny!


Lersxty Claus? Santa Lerxst? I don't know, I'm not sure I want him sneaking in my house at night! Shit, he'd probably just steal all my cold beer!


Sable as The Spirit Of Christmas Hotness... I don't remember that ghost in the story though...


Now you can go look at the rest of the photos here.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Illuminating Developments

The lights are up (yes, Mystic I do have photos to PROVE that my Chanukah garlands are up). And it went as peaceful and smooth as you imagine it would… as long as peaceful means me barking orders at EVERYONE and smooth means me telling the Tiny Terrorists through clenched teeth that the damn RED ornaments do NOT go on the blue and gold garland. Yes, yes I know I’m a psychotic bitch; I’ve already covered that though. My garlands look ALMOST perfect aside from the few out of place ornaments placed there by the offspring by mistake (I’ll fix that) and YES I’m perfectly aware that MOST of you out there in Internet-land think that I should be boiled in oil for not letting the Little People decorate them as they like, but I don’t really give a fuck, these are my Chanukah garlands and I want them to be decorated MY WAY. I’ll put their little pink Barbie tree up tomorrow (if they are GOOD) and they can crap it up anyway they like. Seriously, they can, I won’t stop them. I just need to finish Jewing up my garlands and I’m done with my decorating. Some day they will appreciate my attention to detail on the decorations and they will understand that the only way to attain a HAPPY HOLIDAY is through precise and perfect decorations! HAPPY! HAPPY I SAY! WE WILL HAVE A HAPPY HOLIDAY! Oh... hey... too much caffeine…

On to other things…

Friday night I resisted the urge to go out despite someone’s strong insistence and persuasive temptations. I instead smartly stayed home to paint my pirate box for the pirate gift exchange at Ben’s the next night.

Saturday morning started much as they always do, me getting up to early, eating breakfast, showering, dressing and heading to work. I worked my first hospital then headed down the toll road to my second hospital. As I approached the exit for the toll road I could see black smoke off in the distance, I figured it was some building or something burning and thought no more about it. As I approached the toll booth’s I saw that the toll tag lanes were open and only one of the other (exact change or change made) lanes was open and it was an exact change lane. Luckily (or so I thought) I had $.75 and headed for that ever growing lane as I pondered why all the other lanes were closed and blocked off. As I drove up the hill I saw that ALL the lanes on the West bound side of the toll way (where I was) were blocked by fire trucks, ambulances and police vehicles and everyone was forming a line to the far right in the break down lane. I followed suit noticing the flaming mass on the East bound side of the toll way and immediately regretted that I didn’t have my camera with me. It was quite impressive and was putting off quite a bit of smoke; I surmised that it was a burning car. I dialed my work to tell them that I’d be late because of a fiery wreck on the toll road and would be there as soon as humanly possible as I waited to be motioned around the area. Four vehicles ahead of me the state trooper directing traffic stopped everyone, I watched as the flames which were only as high as the fire trucks next to me were now twice as high and casually looked to the right down at the frontage road. Down there I saw several news trucks and decided I was far too curious to just sit there, I needed to know what the fuck was burning. Soooooo I called my sister and left her a message that asked her to turn on the TV as I was stuck on the toll road from a fiery wreck and to call me back. Then I dialed The Wife hoping she would be at home and she was. I gave her the same schpeel that I left on D’s voice mail and The Wife informed me that it was a tanker truck that was blazing. Damn. While we were talking the trooper got very animated and started telling EVERYONE to turn the hell around on the toll road and go back – and not in an orderly fashion either, just TURN AROUND NOW. So we did. During this entire time I had kept hearing booming sounds that I NOW understood to be explosions. Ahhh fun, no wonder the troopers were so agitated! I passed back through the toll lanes and wouldn’t you know it, I didn’t get my damn $.75 back! D called back and I hung up with The Wife… until I was directed onto the road. Then I had to call The Wife back and inform her that she was now going to be my GPS system and give me directions to work as I’m totally directionally challenged. Thankfully The Wife isn’t and gave me FABULOUS directions which got me RIGHT to work.

More Fire!

Later that day, Whysper and I had our candle party. It went off without a hitch. But all of our guest aside for one were late (I can’t count Crazy B as being there on time, it’s her house had the party at). We played this game of purse scramble. C was my favorite letter, because I always have a few items starting with the letter C in my purse and Crazy B was all fascinated by the packing of said C item so I gifted her with one wishing the joy of the holiday and much pleasure. I swear I really should be the Condom Fairy. At the end of the game I whined because I didn’t win anything and Crazy B gave me the Man Scent candle. Well that’s not its official name, I can’t remember it but it smells like some fantastic men’s cologne (Eternity for Men) and damn I’ll have to burn it when I’m with BOB from now on. Ahhhh… Man Candle. ANYWAY, we had fun, we ate, we ran late I didn’t injure myself nor did I set anything ablaze – though that’s probably just due to the fact that I kept my hands off things.

Pirate Party

There was a nice turnout for this month’s Ben’s I took lots of photos and haven’t finished editing them, but soon I will have them posted. In the gift exchange I ended up with a most fabulous bottle of Oatmeal Cookies Booze. Mmmmmmmmmmm. I was ready to throw down to keep that bottle of yumminess. Whysper has it in her freezer currently for safe keeping other wise it would already be gone (hey PMS sucks and I have no chocolate!) but luckily it’s safe until New Years Eve where in it will be consumed in an alarmingly short amount of time.

Well that’s it for now… more to write… but it’s late…

Monday, December 12, 2005

Temera
Your French name is
~Ardant~
It means lively.
You are always finding some way to get attention
and are always the life of the party. You will
do almost anything for a laugh and are very fun
to be around. Things often get out of hand when
you're around, however.


What is your French name?
brought to you by Quizilla

Okay, okay, that's the last of the pointless quizes I'll post until I make a REAL post tomorrow. I was just to busy fooling with the photos from Ben's this weekend and stressing out over EVERYTHING to post, but I'll write about all that tomorrow AND the great big firey accident on the tollway that made me late for work on Saturday and how The Wife doubles as a very good GPS system.

I'm off to bed now! I need chocolate!
Gay XMas Tunes

Just a moment K says to me "I'm kind of disapointed they haven't played my favorite Christmas song yet." I ask what that would be and he says "Oh Come, Oh Come, Emanuel", to which I had to say "Of course a gay man would love a song that says that twice."
Your Seduction Style: Sex Pot

Tradionally known as a "siren", "rake", or "femme fatale." You exude sensuality.
And while your sexiness is part of what makes you an incredible seducer...
Your ability to make others feel sexy is what really makes your seduction skills shine.

Most people don't feel attractive or desired enough - a need which you tap into.
You have the ultimate sex appeal, and getting attention from you is a total self esteem boost.
Your confidence is contagious, and you help others unleash their own sexuality.

Your sex pot seduction skills are so intoxicating that you can get away with... well, almost murder.
Lovers feel like your sensuality is in your blood, so it's only natural if you flirt a little.
And if you stray, that might be okay as well - as long as you make your lover still feel hot.


hahahahahahahaha!

Friday, December 09, 2005

Shining so Brightly, Yet So Dull

Last night just prior to K’s arrival home I pulled out my holiday decorations of garland and lights and plugged them in to check the aforementioned lights for workability. Now I love these lights and garland. When we resided in the house I decorated my front living room windows with the lights and I was VERY particular about the lights. Every year because I was FAR to short to hang the lights, etc. K would have to endure my kvetching until they were ‘perfect’ or until his arms would just give out from moving the garlands and lights so many times. Whatever. Anyway, this year I plugged in the blue and gold garland (it’s a green fake pine garland with blue and gold lights strung on it) and all sparkly lights lit up – YAY! I hung them where they go then plugged in the purple and white garland only to frown deeply as I peered at my garland lit only with purple lights, and intermittent purple lights at that. I adjusted a plug or two and tried again with the same result. Damn it, now I’d have to remove the strands of lights and find the gimp bulb. K arrived home as I started de-lighting my garland. He quipped about it being time to hang the lights as I scowled and explained that the lights were being removed to be inspected and fixed. K just looked on knowing that challenging my idiotic ideas can be dangerous at times especially when I’m completely fixated on something such as my garlands. I had already gathered an impressive array of replacement bulbs from the junk drawer that holds things like that and now had them spread in front of me as I painstakingly removed the lights and found the one light that was missing from the purple lights – a replacement and all lights shone brightly. As I explained to K that the white lights were somehow defective and pondered how very long we’ve had the lights and garland, etc. I realized that it would probably be much cheaper to spend another $2.50 on a new garland and $5 on new lights rather than continue to fuck with this 10 + year old garland, but fuck that, I was already half way through. At that point K interrupted my insane diatribe and reminded me that if we were to go hang with the politically active fags and dykes, we needed to leave NOW. And we did.

Upon returning I sat on the sofa looking at the remaining lights on the garland (the white ones) and then plugged them in. They worked. All of them. They ALL FREAKING LIT UP! I spent 25 minutes sitting on the floor removing the purple lights when I just didn’t have the fucking white ones plugged in! Fuck.

Also… I was going to show the pictures of the stick art, but K has stolen my STICK ART! Damn that man! Sorry, I’ll either have to recreate the beauty that it was or you’ll just have to wait for him to get home so I can get my picture.
Long Awaited Update...
(whatever, I can pretend it is if I want)

Soooooo… I’ve been remiss with my posts and I have no good explanation so I’m just going to lie. I was abducted by aliens and they only had wireless internet that cost $9.99 per 10 minutes and since I only had $5 with me, they wouldn’t let me use the internet. Sorry. I suck.

Dangerous Food

Friday (of last week) was Whysper’s birthday. I was about an hour late due to K and having to drop him and the Tiny Terrorist off at the train station and then me having to go back home to pick up Whysper’s birthday present that I had spent all day painstakingly finishing but absentmindedly forgot. The Wife had threatened me that if I was even one minute late I would not get any of the fabulous sugary goodness that is the BIRTHDAY CAKE. Oh no… I would not be denied my SUGAR BUZZ. 10 minutes prior to the time I was supposed to arrive I called The Wife and told her that I would be late and if I didn’t get a piece of cake there would be blood shed (not mine of course) and she taunted me saying that MAYBE they would save me a tiny little sliver. I immediately started working on the design for her voodoo doll.

After dropping of the family group at the train station I raced to the pub where the party was taking place. When I arrive Lerxst informed me that all the cake was gone since I was late (mentally I added his name to the voodoo doll list). Ha, ha, ha. What funny people they aren’t. I wished Whysper a happy day and gave her the lovely treasure box. Then ordered because I was STARVING. I ordered the HOT chicken curry.

The waiter warned people inquiring about the chicken curry that the hot is VERY VERY HOT. Hearing those words convinced me of what I would order. I grabbed a couple of acid blocker tablets and waited for my food. The first bite was absolute heaven. The heat wasn’t immediate, it built from a definite spiciness to an all out bonfire in my mouth. It was FABULOUS. As I continued eating, I could feel sweat on my brow and feel my face turning red. I didn’t care, it was amazing. I only ate have and packed up the rest for Saturday’s lunch. Later that night despite the extra acid reducer tablet just prior to the meal and the 2 after, I still had atomic heartburn that woke me at 3 am. Damn it was worth it.

ANYWAY – back to the important thing… the CAKE! La Seg had a most delightful cake on her birthday, it was chocolate with a fabulous cream cheese frosting that gave me a most intense sugar buzz. It was fun. The cake for Whysper was not to be the fabulous chocolate with amazingly sweet cream cheese frosting, but a decadent chocolate moose cake. Which did not provide me with the much wanted sugar buzz. Damn. I did however drink copious amounts of coffee which enabled me to maintain a lovely caffeine buzz. The party broke up when they kicked us out of the pub at midnight. Unbeknownst to ME, Whysper had provisions (as in BOOZE) for an after party in her hotel suite. This was not communicated to me and I did not learn of the BOOZE until the next day at the GAME. Damn her! I didn’t get a sugar buzz and I didn’t get any BOOZE – but I did get some super hot chicken curry! And despite the atomic heartburn (damn myself for the reflux!), I did have it for lunch the next day. Mmmmm.

ICE DAY!

Yesterday Super Girl was home from school with me due to a much anticipated snow/ice/sleet storm the day before. Super Girl was delightfully anticipating white fluffy snow covering the ground of which she could build big fluffy snow people. K and I both explained to her that here in North Central Texas we don’t get white fluffy snow, we just get ICE and bad drivers. By Wednesday evening we (around here) had a lovely sheet of ice covering the roads. Thursday morning though the roads were sanded and all and K went off to work on time, the school district decided to start the schools 2 hours late. That was fine and good and all, but they neglected to post as to WHEN the buses would be running. I drug Super Girl out to catch the bus in -3 temperatures and we waited with one of her school mates. We waited and got cold despite the multi layers of fleece – Super Girl was a virtual fleece burrito. At the point that we had been out there for 20 minutes and my fingers had lose feeling, I decided that a day spent sipping cocoa and watching movies was the plan and we abandoned our wait for the bus. It was a super trying day for me as both offspring decided that yesterday was the day to be WILD. Though I had planned to get the holiday decorations in place, I did not managed to do much more than clean and re-clean the living room and unsuccessfully negotiate with my progeny about cleaning the living room. By the time K got home and invited me to join him for the gay political meeting I was more than ready to get the hell out of the house and hang with a bunch of politically active fags and dykes.

Getting’ Gayly Political

We show up and one thing is immediately apparent, I am the only STRAIGHT (mostly) female in the room. If for no other reason that I happen to be the only female with long hair – I have never ever seen a group of people more adherent to a sterotype. I swear there were more pairs of ‘comfortable shoes’ in that place than the PayLess down the street. At one point one of the speakers said how he had 'given up on women' (trying to be funny) and I whispered to K ‘Yeah, just like all the rest of the men in this room’. I swear there were a couple of flamer guys there that I was sure it was a danger for them to pump their own gas. Other than that it was a very informative meeting and I drew a stick drawing of the group which I may go ahead and post as it’s completely offensive.

I must go for now, I have to finish decorating and all.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

You Passed 8th Grade Science

Congratulations, you got 7/8 correct!


Ah-ha! A subject I had no trouble passing! Thank heavens for that hippy science teacher.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Sixteen Candles



Your life most resembles Sixteen Candles. You sometimes feel unappreciated, but you know that you really are. Your life is one crazy adventure and you have a soft spot for that geeky freshman.


What 80s Movie does your life resemble?  (Piechart) - QuizGalaxy.com

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com


funny... that's one of my FAVORITE movies.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Stoopid People Should Not Breed

One of the first babies I took a photo of today had the bad fortune of being birthed by someone so stupid as to name their spanking new baby something that rhymes with 'A Nausea'. No kidding. This kidd is going to rhyme with queasiness for the rest of her life, or if she's SMART she'll change her name when she's an adult and not get hooked up with any guys named Ralph.

On to other crap...

Things that piss me off:
People who pass me in the lane that is ENDING because my going slightly above the speed limit is not nearly fast enough for them, this particularly pisses me off when they come seriously close to HITTING ME in their quest to get ahead of me. Come one people, pass on the LEFT - NOT in the lane on the right that is ending and thus you do NOT have the right away to do such idiocy. But... whatever, I suppose everyone had the RIGHT AWAY to be a moron.

Toll booth people who don't SMILE. Sheesh, if you hate your job that much, find another one - I know that McDonald's is hireing... And according to The Wife, someone with a McCareer in McManagement of a McDonald's (without a degree) can be making a good salary... although I do believe a McJob just serving McFries, etc. still just makes shitty minimum wage. I look good in red with yellow accents - maybe I need a McManagement McCareer.

Back to work now!

Friday, December 02, 2005

You are The Mad Hatter
You are The Mad Hatter


One thing is for sure- you're as mad as a hatter.
You have an obsession with time and if tea time
were to ever cease, you would probably be even
more confused.


What Alice in Wonderland Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are The Mad Hatter
You are The Mad Hatter


One thing is for sure- you're as mad as a hatter.
You have an obsession with time and if tea time
were to ever cease, you would probably be even
more confused.


What Alice in Wonderland Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

How true, how true.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Tales of Remotes and Blood

I got a UNIVERSAL REMOTE a few days ago. It was time, my remote for the DVD player doesn’t work so well since it’s had milk spilled on it. I discovered this after borrowing ‘Boondock Saints’ from Lerxst last weekend (I love that movie, fucking hot men and guns – sexy!) and trying to watch the deleted scenes (naked fucking hot men – oh yeah!) but not being able to get to them due to the milk encrusted remote. The next day I bought a universal remote. Hold on… back story for the next thing to make sense – I happen to be EXCEEDINGLY cheap. I rarely will EVER replace anything unless it’s beyond repair. Case in point, when K and I first got together he had a big television that was nearly as old as he was but it still worked. Over the years the colors started to get a bit funky, but the reception was fine and the sound worked fine so I refused to even consider buying a new one. One day about 7 years later, the TV bit the big one and I HAD to get a new TV – I just happened to know someone who was selling one that was still fairly new (she was getting married) so I got it for hardly anything and that’s the TV we’ve had for the past 6 years. It works fine, as long as you don’t turn the volume up to loud… then the speakers crackle… but it works FINE. We’d still have that one in the living room entertaining us if not for the opportunity to get a BIGGER NEWER TV for FREE! The only thing is that the buttons to control it on are messed up and there is no remote, so one must be careful when turning on the TV or turning up/down the sound so as to NOT get a little shock (just us a pencil!). I’ve had the TV for 5 or so months and thought this was fine, even the Tiny Terrorists knew how to turn on the TV without getting electrocuted. Back to the other day, we are in the store and I’m scrutinizing my remote selections when K says “ I guess you got tired of the prospect of me electrocuting myself every time I turn on the TV.” I said “No, I’m getting the remote so I can see the special features on ‘Boondock Saints’, the prospect of you getting electrocuted while turning on the television never gets old to me.” Priorities… Norman Reedus and Sean Patrick Flanery ‘s fine behinds are worth the expense of getting the new remote, K shocking himself (for my amusement) is not.

On to the BLOOD!

So yesterday morning at 5 am I wake to my nose bleeding. I haven’t had a NOSE BLEED in YEARS! It was disturbing and made it all but impossible to go back to sleep. So I went to sit at my computer and shove Kleenexes up my nose until it stopped. I did this on and off several times during the day. Later that night I was at dinner with Porn Star and La SEG when I feel that trickle from my nose and I grab my napkin to tie dye it red with my leaking brain blood. La SEG says “Oh! You’re bleeding!” I say “Oh I know, it’s fine.” And continue bleeding, Porn Star says nothing, she’s seen it several times that day. The waiter looks at me and asks if everything is all right, then walks away when I say I’m fine. JUST WALKS away, doesn’t offer to get more napkins to replace the one I’m currently spewing blood on, he just WALKS AWAY. Porn Star, being the deeply maternal and caring person got up and grabbed me a napkin or 20. Asshole waiter, I know that if it had been our USUAL wait staff, they would have had all the napkins there for me and would have been compassionate to me even if they did run to the back to wonder exactly how much coke I was snorting before I got there to make my have a nose bleed like that.
christmas star
You are the Christmas Star.


What Christmas Ornament are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

That's me, I'm a SUPERSTAR!

Wednesday, November 30, 2005












Loveable Eccentric

You scored 17 neuroses and 26 psychoses!

You sure do have your quirky ideas, but you're usually pretty
emotionally stable, so we just kind of laugh them off and pretend we
didn't hear you. Good luck with that time machine!
















My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 13% on neuroses
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 86% on psychoses




Link: The Are you Neurotic or Psychotic Test written by chickennibbler on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test


Anyone surprised???

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Shhhh... The Cat's Are Listening
Or
Something Truly Random From The Depths Of My Depraved Mind


I think my cats hate me, well not both of them but one of them, my cat. I think she does hate me that's why she wakes me up at an unholy hour of the morning just to purr at me and lick my face. Maybe she doesn't hate me, though maybe she's just confused and thinks her purpose in life is to shed and to act as my personal alarm clock... Alarm Cat. I hate her for this.

The other cat loves me. She thinks she's mine. I don't love her in that way. She's not my cat. She needs to love her owner like that and leave me alone. Sleeping under my bed at night is just stalking and I should probably take out a restraining order on her.

Maybe they work together. Maybe they work for aliens and at night when the aliens conduct their nefarious experiments they get the cats to do the work for them.

Probably not, cats are unreliable. That's why there aren't seeing eye cats or drug sniffing cats. Cats have no work ethic and would call in sick every other day. Freeloaders.

Whatever... CATS, Stop waking me up, get out from under my bed and stop puking in 'secret' places at night.

I'm thinking maybe I'm not really down about the holidays, but I'm just seriously bored. And somehow that may be even sadder than being depressed. Maybe all the activitiy of late that has now come to an end has left me with nothing to do (other than laundry and cleaning and brushing my cats) and now I'm just bored and I need a hobby or just to finish all the laundry. Maybe the fresh clean smell of fabric softener will brighten my mood. Maybe I need more Zoloft... though it's been a couple of years since I was on Zoloft, but I do remember having a certain feeling of joy with every load of laundry I folded when I was on Zoloft. Joy and a certain feeling of needing to take a 10 hour nap. And I would paint. Maybe I just need to paint. I don't know, I'll try the laundry, and the painting and more coffee and then I'll let you know if I'm just bored of really depressed.

I watched a weird but oddly wonderful movie tonight. Secretary. I absolutly loved that movie. Probably because I was a secretary for 11 years and I had a few boss's that I would have gladly bent over the desk for... definitly if one looked like James Spader. I liked that movie and I can't believe that I've never seen it before tonight, except that I don't go see movies in the theater very often (that whole ADD thing makes it hard to sit through one) and as of late the only movies I get to see in the theater tend to be G rated and their target audience isn't me but my progeny.

Okay, that's all now. Move along now, nothing to see here.
D is for DUH!

So I've just had an incredible moment of realization. That I'm too fucking stupid to do 1st grade homework. In looking over Super Girl's homework I realized that I directed her to do a whole page of it WRONG. Not so WRONG that she'll get marked off but WRONG enough that her teacher will wonder if I smoke crack while she's getting a fine education paid for by my tax dollars. What did I tell her to do? I can not tell you as you would feel the need to talk smack about how STOOPID it was for me to even THINK that was how it was supposed to be done. AND then you'd tease me about the fact that it did not occur to me that what I was telling her to do was inaccurate and more work than what was neccessary until AFTER the fact, without forgetting to give me shit for letting my offspring do her homework in PEN therefore making it impossible to erase my idiocy and leaving it as proof forever that I don't understand 1st grade homework. Now I know why my mother never helped me with my homework.
Have a Holly, Jolly… Eh, Whatever…

So I haven’t really gotten much accomplished today and that’s kind of sad. I’m not terribly motivated to do much, though I do have a mountain of laundry just waiting to be washed and folded and many many places in my humble abode that need a good cleaning, dusting and vacuuming, but here I sit in front of this damn computer typing away. Honestly it only takes me 10 or 20 minutes to write this so no more than the time it takes to suck down a nice hot cup of coffee (which I AM doing right now – must have caffeine!).

This is so crazy, the holiday time; this is both my FAVORITE time of year and my MOST DREADED time of year. I love spending time with friends and family and I love all the festivities with the progeny, but I HATE all the commercialism and stress. And quite frankly, I have ENOUGH day to day stress without the holidays. AND, I’m just feeling down right now. I whined to The Wife earlier so I probably already used up all my WHINE time and should just shut the fuck up and move on. I mean I have the BEST and MOST WONDERFUL friends in the whole damn world around me, so many people who I could call in the middle of the night and cry on their shoulder if needed, that alone should leave me with enough warm fuzzies to carry me through the rest of the year if not the whole next year, but I’m still feeling down. Maybe it’s just holiday grumpiness or maybe it’s that I’m a little down that I have no one to share the holidays with – no I’m not talking about friends, I’m talking about hanging the mistletoe over the bed and sharing in some holiday naked spank-tastic fun on that special gift giving night. I have no one to buy a cute little thong with a driedel on it and ask them to play some games with me. This would not suck so badly IF K was in the same boat! Yeah, I know, what a bitch of me, but ya know that they say ‘misery loves company’, you can just call me M and come on over for some cookies. K has a boyfriend to share the holidays with and snuggle with and give inappropriate gifts too late at night while warming the lube and handcuffs. Me, I have Bob, Bob and Bob Jr. to change the batteries in. None of the Bob’s shop. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, you don’t want to read about me whining about not having a SPECIAL someone to share the holidays with – I’m not talking SEX, I have plenty of places to get that, just someone to worry about giving the PERFECT gift to (A blow job, right?). Eh, whatever, enough of that, on to other reasons I dislike the holiday!

After my parents divorced, the holidays pretty much sucked. Apparently my dad was the one with the Santa connection. That sucked because mom didn’t seem to have the pull with Santa that dad did or Santa just didn’t like poor kids with pot head relatives and psychotic grandmothers, because he never got me what I asked for after that. Fucker. I’ll never forgive him for the year he brought me the giant yellow stuffed chicken and he brought my sister the every so beautiful giant ballerina doll! WTF? A giant fuzzy yellow chicken??? What little girl wants that? Asshole. Another year he got D and I green bowls with eyes and feet! Bowls! Of all the things! I remember asking for a Barbie NOT a stupid fucking BOWL! The next year the mutha fucker brought me a Strawberry Shortcake doll. Sheesh, I was like 10! He should have just put a sign on my jacket that said I needed to get my ass kicked because I was a pussy. Every year it was like Santa himself was just looking for a way to insult us. Santa is a bastard who only likes the rich white kids!

So now I have kids and I don’t want the holidays to suck for them. But it’s hard when stores start playing horrific holiday music 3 minutes after Halloween ends! Well that and I’m a Jew so I don’t do all that Santa crap anyway – but K does, for the kids, I just tell them to talk to their dad when ever they mention Xmas. And the kids love Chanukah. But who the hell wouldn’t like a holiday with 8 days of presents and donuts! Beat that Santa Bastard! But I digress..

P is for Penis

Super Girl just finished her homework and I was looking over it and saw what looked like P-E-N-I-S written in one area. I politely asked her what it was supposed to say and she replied ‘parents’ to which I told her she had to correct that word as what she wrote is not a polite word (well really I didn’t want a note from the teacher asking what the hell kind of story I had read to her). Super Girl perked up and insisted on knowing WHAT the word was she had written (I’m sure so she could repeat it 20 times tomorrow morning before she got to school then a few more times so she could be sure to get a call home from school). I didn’t tell her the word, just forced her to write PARENTS. I did however mumble to someone on the phone that P-E-N-I-S was the proper spelling for ‘boyfriend’ hehe… At least it wasn’t D-I-L-D-O.

I’m sorry this post makes no fucking sense. My day has kind of been like that though. Probably not enough coffee.

Monday, November 28, 2005

A Happy Coexistance With Insanity

Saturday night was Snazzy Seg’s birthday dinner. Whysper, Porn Star and I all rode together. It was at this little snobby over priced restaurant near down town… wait… wait… let me start from the beginning so you get the full DRAMATIC effect.

Whysper messages me at 6:15pm and tells me she’s on her way over. I get up from the computer (the game was stupid anyway) and decide I best find something to where as she’ll be there in 15 or 20 minutes. I decide on the most fabulous but not fitting skirt as it is FABULOUS and I figure I can find a safety pin to help keep it in the upright and locked position. I put on my nice black sweater and then fix my hair, and it looks amazing, if I do say so myself (no photos of that, I’m a dork ya know), then I plunge into my closet to seek out the PERFECT foot wear for this outfit. I ruled out boots as this skirt is almost floor length on me (damn it for being short!). I did however find some very cool blue suede pumps that I hadn’t worn since I worked in the corporate world. They were a perfect match with the FABULUOS skirt and some fishnets. Whysper arrive shortly after and I gathered my muffins (for the second party) and we left to get Porn Star.

So... now back to the restaurant. I ordered one of my very favorite things in the world – something I get from Sicily’s all the time – tortellini alla panna. We talked, we laughed, we waited for our food. The waiter brought us all house salads, even though a few of us didn’t want them. I got one, I order one, but I got it. And it was icky. Really, it was ICKY. They fucked up the salad. How I do not know, but they did. Ick. I didn’t eat the salad, but I did eat the bread (they were VERY generous with the bread). My entrĂ©e finally arrived and I was desperately disappointed with it. It was much like the salad, ICKY. Porn Star and Cousin of Seg were kind enough to let me have some of their baked ziti (which was fairly good), but it was no big deal, I had my sights set on the CAKE! Oh yes the cake. Snazzy Seg picked up her cake from Central Market… a chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting and yummy chocolate design on the top. More talking, more laughing, some photo taking and finally it was time for CAKE!

The CAKE was soooo damn good I swear I wanted to have a relationship with it (no, no, I still DO want to!) It was absolutely perfect. I ate my piece and was suddenly regretting that I ate anything at all at the restaurant because I wanted to eat the other half of the cake but I was full so I didn’t. And in retrospect, that was probably a GOOD thing as 20 or so minutes after making love to… er... I mean EATING my cake; I was on a serious sugar buzz after just one piece of cake. Seriously buzzing. I don’t eat a lot of sweets so I get a serious sugar high when birthday cake is involved. Woohoo! I did the same thing last month at my father in laws birthday party. So now I’m buzzing and I know what will make this absolutely PERFECT! Coffee! I mega dose of caffeine! I always want coffee when I’m on a sugar buzz, don’t ask me why but for some reason (probably a smart reason) people never seem to give me the coffee I want.

We leave the restaurant and I ask at least 150 times if we can stop by Starbucks on the way to Sable and Lerxst’s party. At the point that we drop off Porn Star, we hadn’t found a source of caffeine for me and we didn’t find a Starbucks on the way to Sable and Lerxst’s either – though Whysper did make a concerted effort to find coffee for me. When we got to the party I told The Wife all about the restaurant and the bad salad and the icky food and the amazing cake and how I needed coffee and that I thought I was shrinking because my skirt seemed longer now (it was touching the floor). I was speaking in complete paragraphs. And apparently I was amusing. I was asked if I had been drinking but assured them that I had no booze, just SUGAR! SUGAR! SUGAR! SUGAR! And I needed COFFEE! COFFEE! COFFEE!

I didn’t get caffeine, I did get alcohol and I did eventually slow down to a pace that was normal. I swear I could feel my hair growing when I was on that sugar high. The party was delightful, Whysper and I left at 3:30 or 4 am. Looking forward to the parties for this coming weekend!

Saturday, November 26, 2005

It’s Quiet… Too Quiet...

So today has been a delightful day at work, I’m actually finished with work and it’s not even 1PM. Hell I was done and headed home by noon today! (which brought way more joy to K than to me as he could now attend some stupid party that he was sulking about not being able to go to as I would normally be working and his delightful brother declined the joyous possibility of watching out offspring so that K could attend aforementioned party. Now it’s a mote point as I’m home and he’s heading to the party right now).

The BEST part of the day was that I decided to wear this most spectacular skirt that I have not worn in probably 7 or so years or more when I got way to fucking fat to wear it. It’s not a size too big but I thought it would work just fine anyway and it’s just so damn pretty, I figured it would be a perfect match for my cow print clogs (my official winter footwear aside from my various pairs of ho boots). Now… since this delightful skirt has been sitting patiently in a drawer for the past 7 + years I had no idea that the elastic in said fabulous skirt was on the way out until I pulled it out to wear it this morning. Since I was (as usual) running late, I didn’t have time to find something else to wear and since the skirt seemed to be resting securely on my ever so wide hips, I figured it would stay there and be safe to wear to work… where I spend all of my time walking from one room to the next, not sitting calmly and quietly in a chair. At my first hospital I kept feeling the lovely skirt inch down just a bit further and I kept hiking it up as I’m certain flashing my cute pirate thong, though amusing, is not exactly the best way to make sales. Still, I was mostly confident that my skirt would stay in the upright and secure position and my pirate thong would remain unseen. As I left the hospital having a conversation on the cell phone with D, I felt the skirt shift downward causing me to grip it tightly as I continued to my car and upon closer inspection, I discovered that I was in a horrible state of denial this morning and that a skirt that is a size to big with failing elastic is not, I repeat NOT a smart choice to wear to work… unless your work involves you dropping your skirt to reveal your undies at a moments notice… as mine involves taking photographs and not photographs of the naughty variety, I must confess that the ever so lovely skirt is a BAD idea.

At my next hospital I procured an enormous paper clip and clipped my skirt in a semi-secure fashion that would allow me to see the few people and far to enthusiastically suggest that they wait until tomorrow for photos (so that I could drag my nearly revealed ass home to take a nap, then make muffins, and dress for a party – of which I am still planning to wear this delightful skirt, but with at the very least a SAFTEY PIN and of course some fabulous boots… although I may feel the need to wear ho boots and that will mean a skirt of a more revealing nature – and not of the kind that this skirt promises, just more leg, not my ass cheeks, although the dress is ‘dressy casual’ and not ‘clubbin’ ho’ so maybe the long skirt and a sweater instead of low cut shirt and short skirt… ahhh decisions…).

And now here I am home, having eaten my lunch of left over turkey (a samich) and fuck, I swear if I have to eat much more turkey I will vomit. (So go ahead and tell me how stupid I was for buying a 13.5 lb turkey).

Last night K and I took the progeny to see Chicken Little (which is quite funny) then to have dinner (the greasiest damn hamburgers in Texas, but damn they tasted like heaven… and weren’t TURKEY), on the walk back home the progeny started telling their father that it was quiet outside… too quiet, that the aliens were out and we needed to watch for them. I found this very funny as I had done this with the Tiny Terrorist earlier in the day when we returned from the park – hey, I do anything to make my toddler stop her whining. K didn’t find the alien talk very funny, especially when Cabbage Patch informed him that the aliens would get him first. Hehehehe… I personally found it quite funny at how easily it was to get them to do something so damn insane. I wonder if I can get them to wear foil hats now.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Big Gay Thanksgiving

What’s more ridiculous that I’m wearing an “Easy Pussy (picture of cat)” shirt when the only men around are GAY or that I just cooked a 13.5 lb turkey for 2 adults and 2 picky children to eat. Can we say LEFTOVERS!!

Today I went to work – Holiday Pay! Woohoo! It wasn’t too bad, I really do love my job and it gives me great joy to AMAZE people by taking good photos. (Yeah I know, some people are easily amused.)

Okay, that’s enough about Thanksgiving, just waiting for my marbled pumpkin cheesecake to be ready to serve.

TRF Final Weekend

So after a week of struggling with being sick and trying to finish up all my projects, I somehow managed to actually do just that – struggle with being sick and finish. So I attended TRF while being gawd-awful sick. Probably not the SMARTEST thing in the world to do, but hey I had three very important reasons to go, 1) Cyn and Koolagh’s hand fasting which I was in and was delivering items for, 2) The Unqueenly of which I was Thorne’s attendant and most importantly 3) Hot Masseuse Guy (aka Frappichino with Extra Whipped Cream)… actually when it came right down to it, it was Hot Masseuse Guy and only Hot Masseuse Guy that I was going for. I’m sure Cyn would have understood that I was hacking up my lungs and could have found someone else to fill in at the last moment (but I was happy that I was able to be there for them), I’m sure Mystic could have found someone else to tend to Thorne, and I would have sent the clothes to dress him in (though I’m THRILLED to have been a part of it!!!), when I told Hot Masseuse Guy that I was in fact virulent and asked him if he still wanted to share sleeping quarters with me and his answer was OF COURSE, well I could have been dragging an IV around and an oxygen tank and I’d have found a way to be there. (So Cyn and Mystic, you should send a thank you to Hot Masseuse Guy for giving me the will and fortitude to make it).

OKAY, so here’s what happened: We (me and my ride) arrived at 4:30 am. Yes, 4 fucking 30 in the morning. Poor, sweet Hot Masseuse Guy had arrived at like 11:30 or 12:30 and he waited for me to show up. Froze his ass off and waited. Of course he HAD to wait because it was FREEZING in the tent and I had ALL the blankets! Yeah, whatever, bad planning on our part, whatever, I made it, we threw all the warm from the car blankets on the bed and snuggled until breakfast time. The next morning, into faire after a mega dose of cold medicine. We walked around, we had fun, we took photos, we left to do SPCF stuff and then Hot Masseuse Guy and I took a REALLY LONG NAP. Yes a NAP. We hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before and we NEEDED a NAP. Stop looking at me like that, I always nap naked. LATER, much later it was Cyn and Koolagh’s handfasting, which was truly touching and I’m honored that I was part of it. THEN, it was time to dress Thorne for UnQueenly! It’s amazing what can happen with a shave, a pair of red stockings and black fishnets, a hot red corset, one well padded bra, a Little Orphan Annie wig and some wings. One Fabulous Fire Fairy! Cinder Ella was born and damn I was absolutely envious of those legs. Unfortunetly, the SPCF entrant (Cinder Ella aka Thorne) did not win (we were ROBBED!), but we DID make an impressive first year entry. NEXT year the title will be ours! After that, I sat around the fire for a while then headed for the tent with Hot Masseuse Guy. Sunday morning was totally uneventful. I didn’t go into faire, didn’t seem like much of a point since Hot Masseuse Guy had to leave early and I was not feeling all that fabulous. When everyone else was in faire, we took down the tent and said our fairwells. Then I cleaned up camp and started feeling like crap. We (my ride and I) left at closing and got caught in the traffic of people leaving *sigh* which sucked. I drove until a hour or so before we got to my casa at which point I was falling asleep on the freaking road and had to pull the hell over. My ride took over and thank goodness for that as I was having trouble getting to the end of a sentence without falling asleep! No shit, by the end of the sentence I was dropping off and waking up trying to figure why the hell my mouth was moving (okay, that does happen from time to time, I suddenly wonder why the hell my mouth is moving but I’m usually not falling asleep, just babbling on for no real reason). We made it home at 12:04 am. The End.

Oh yeah, I took a total of 10 photos this past weekend. 10!! And three of them were of Hot Masseuse Guy.

Today, I am finally feeling better, I think that I shall be rid of this viral illness by this weekend – just in time for a party!

Monday, November 21, 2005

Cop Out Time... er.. Quiz Time

Bambi Result
Bambi


Which DISNEY character are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla

So does that mean that I should stay out of the woods during deer season?

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Copping Out Yet Again!















The Marry-able Muse

You scored 57 Wildocity, 63 Goddessilicious, and 53 Mynxmastery!

You have a wide range of muse qualities my dear.. You are free
spirited, comfortable with yourself, a touch naughty when the mood
strikes, and an all around well suited dream girl.

Sadly however, you are too balanced too really drive an artist to
frantic heights of creation and inspiration. You most likely need to
either feel a 'connection' with your artist, or be otherwise in control
of him, such as through marriage..


You likely feel just a little weird doing anything risque, and constantly ask silly questions.

I really honestly wish I could break it to you more gently, but
alas, tis not to be so. Here's my phone number though, in case you want
to give it a try anyways..

















My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 0% on Wildocity
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 99% on Goddessilicious
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 0% on Mynxmastery




Link: The Ultimate Muse Test written by greenpaintbomb on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test


SO yeah, sorry, it's just a stupid quiz, but I'm fucking sick and I have a ton of things to get finishes. In fact I shouldn't even be at the computer right now, but I feel like crap and I'm hoping the medication I took recently will kick in and take me to blissed oblivion (sleep). Heres hoping that I'll be feeling better by Friday. TRF while feeling like this will SUCK!