From The Desk Of S. Claus
North Pole

Dear Super Girl and Cabbage Patch;

I recently got a report that you two opened all your Christmas presents early. This is a BAD, BAD thing. Prior to this even, I already had a file on both of you – quite thick I might add. I took some time to review the file and discovered a couple of puzzling things. Seems your mom is Jewish so that would make you half Jewish by default. Based on that evidence, even before this unfortunate event of early present opening you were slated for only half of the loot that the average Christian child would get (sorry, it’s the rules, I have to draw the line somewhere, ya know. It’s not like I really can compete with 8 nights of presents!). Secondly your dad is GAY! What the hell? I’m not even sure what to say about that, it’s really not in the books here, kike mom, gay dad – there is no entry like that! So I’m just going to have to play it by ear since the Elves Union is still working on a new updated more PC list of rules.

Here is my decision, since you opened all your presents prior to December 25th, you will forfeit all the presents I was going to bring (not really much to cry over, you only get half anyway). Of course I had to consider that you have a Jewish mom so that makes you half and you have a gay dad so that makes you… um.. confused… And since Santa is feeling sorry for you, you can expect to have some loot in your stocking, nothing big, just a sympathy offering. Sheesh… Jew mom, gay dad… am I going to know your house by the pink tree with rainbow colored ornaments and pride flag menorah?? My one piece of advice for you kids is to join a cult, it’s got to be less confusing than this family.

Warmest regards,
Santa

PS
Tell your mom to leave out some Jack and Coke, I have a feeling I may need it this year.