Friday, May 12, 2006

My Coffee Is Cold

Yesterday D brought over Coco the Cutest Dog In The World for her 3 week vacation with me. I have no fucking clue where D is going, at the point that Coco was in my presence I stopped listening to what D was saying… until it came to money, then the Ben Franklin she put in my hand briefly got my attention. Yes she paid me $100 for watching Coco. That would be 2 Ulysses S. Grant’s or 5 Andrew Jackson’s or 10 Alexander Hamilton’s or 20 Abraham Lincoln’s or 50 Thomas Jefferson’s (did they even make that many of them though???) or 100 George Washington… but not 100 Sacagawea coins… not that I have ANYTHING against Sacagawea, I just would have to beat D down if she even thought to bring me a bag full of coins. But I digress… as usual.

Cutest Dog In The Whole Fucking World!

Enjoy this photo of Coco (you have no idea the torture that was endured in order to get this photo, so just enjoy it). Try not to look directly AT the photo as her intense cuteness could make your head explode and I just can’t be responsible for that kind of mess. I promise to humiliate this cute dog each and every day of her vacation and post the photos here on line for you to enjoy… well I promise I’ll do it until my ADD takes over and I get bored with it…

Speaking of cuteness, she came very close to wearing out her cute last night when I took her out. In the past I had gotten Coco accustomed to vacationing over here and not needing to be on a leash when I took her out for a quick potty break. She would stay in the yard area and not go wandering off. Since the last time she vacationed here, she apparently has suffered some kind of traumatic brain damage and forgotten the rule for no leash time. Leaving her senses behind and ignoring my calls, commands and bribes to come back, she took off running down the side walk. I’m assuming she felt the need to piss me off and go take a shit in a totally new area. She accomplished pissing me off as I was standing outside in my bare feet and classy Ghetto-mamma outfit with my dirty, barefoot offspring near by as one of my retarded neighbors tried to have a conversation with me. (no I’m not being mean, he really is retarded… and no I’m not being insensitive, he IS retarded as in rides the short bus retarded and not a ‘tard like me.) I had to walk down to where she was with my Tiny Terrorist following behind and get the damn dog because she was pretending she just couldn’t fucking hear me. I was pissed off with her for that. If she had been my dog, I would have kicked her… not really, I never kicked the dog I had and I only hit her once, but it was for a GOOD reason as in she took a really HUGE dump in the middle of my living room floor. My dog that came to me completely house broken lost her fucking mind and took a big ol’ steaming shit on my living room carpet out of spite. That was the moment I realized I just should not own an animal who takes craps as big as my head because I was intensely resentful for having to clean that up. But back to Coco, because she’s not my dog and she’s so completely cute I only put her in her kennel for a time out.

Enough about the dog, what about me?!? I’m totally busy and completely overwhelmed. The busy part is good, the overwhelmed part sucks. Emotionally this is a difficult time for me. Mother’s Day without a mom is rather depressing. It brings up a lot of sadness and resentment. This past year I’ve really missed my mother – not that she was all that supportive, but I’ve still missed her with all that has happened to D, myself and our brother. This year I’ll be dragging The Little People to faire with me as well as K. It’s also his 41st birthday, so I’m sure running around keeping The Little People occupied and trying to make sure that K has a good birthday will make things fun. If you see K this Sunday, take a moment to wish him a happy birthday or buy him a beer – it’s not everyday he turns 41!

Other things…

School is almost out which is YET ANOTHER reason to be stressed. Muther-Fuck! What the hell am I going to do with TWO kids all day? How will I get in my 3 martini lunches and 4 hour naps? I’m looking into summer camps for them, but frankly they cost money and with K back on unemployment I’d much rather find a way for them to EARN money rather than suck my pocket book dry. So if anyone needs weeds pulled, bricks stacked, floors scrubbed or any minor construction work done… let me know, we’ll talk rates and when you can pick up The Tiny Terrorists for some *ahem* babysitting.

I’ve lost something and that’s just bugging the shit out of me. I spend 20 – 30 minutes aimlessly looking around for it about ever 4 hours of the day. I can’t remember what I did with it. I’m not even going to say what I lost (NO it’s not a VIBRATOR, I can account for ALL of my BOBS so stop thinking those crazy thoughts) because you haven’t been here and have no fucking clue where it could be so no reason to tell you and make you laugh at me (more than usual).

I should be sewing and I’m going to go do that right now, just wanted to let everyone know I’m NOT DEAD, just in limbo of sorts.

On a good note, I’m back on COFFEE! Having realized that my stomach issues were due to my body hating on me and turning dairy into something to be avoided (WHAAAAAAA) has been good in one way because it means that COFFEE wasn’t the culprit. Yay coffee!

Okay, back to sewing.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Et tu, Dairy?

Over the weekend it occurred to me that I’m probably lactose intolerant. After breakfast of yogurt and banana an hour later I was pushing my cart at work with a nauseous stomach, hoping that I had something in my purse to calm my stomach and debating whether I should go home and suffer alone. At that moment it occurred to me to wonder if my suffering was caused by the yogurt (and dairy in general) since this same type of thing happened the day before… and the day before… and just about every morning I start the day with yogurt or cereal and milk. A couple more hours of suffering (because nothing says BIG COMISSIONS like looking nausea and bloating) I was fairly certain that dairy had suddenly betrayed me and my gastrointestinal tract. Be damned! I love dairy! We’ve had so many good times together! And now… we must part ways. Eh, life goes on. BUT on the upside, I can now resume my coffee drinking since it’s not the coffee that’s been making me feel crappy. Bring on the Starbucks!

On To Other Things…

Thankfully work was not insane this weekend and I MADE IT BACK OUT TO FAIRE!!! I feared the rains that were predicted but never happened so I didn’t wear my super cool multi colored skirt. I made a most fabulous addition to my garb – PINK FEATHERS! I love them. Yes PINK. I have nothing PINK to wear with it, but who fucking cares – I look good in them! I even looked fabulous* after faire when I changed back into my camo capri’s! (you know you want some too!)


So yeah, now I need garb that will coordinate with PINK… or whatever, I’ll just wear them.

*’fabulous’ being a relative term here considering my memorable fashion choices have included fishnets, polka-dot rubber rain boots and tee shirts saying ‘DORK’ and ‘EASY’.