Thursday, January 26, 2006

It’s Only January And I’m Out Of The Running

Yes, it’s true. I’ve already lost my nomination for Mother Of The Year, but on a ‘brighter’ note, I would bet I’m well on my way to being in the top ten for Worst Mother Of The Year, or so my progeny would say. No matter, I won’t go down alone on this one, I will drag K down into the depths of parental mediocrity with me whether he wants to go or not.

After spending all day long lounging on the couch eating bon bon’s (read: laying on the couch in a semi-conscious fever induced delirium) while Cabbage Patch occupied herself with educational toys and videos (read: while Cabbage Patch reenacted various scenes from Lord Of The Rings using candle holders, Barbie’s, dog toys and a quaint doll house while viewing various obnoxious Disney DVD’s for the 500th time), I discovered that I would have the joy and pleasure of taking care of the children while K attends a political meeting (read: was shocked to be reminded that K would actually leave me alone with our offspring in my state of ill health, even though he had reminded me of his obligations prior to the 10 minutes before he left when he reminded my poor cold medicine addled brain yet again). That would mean that I would need to make DINNER for my delicate little flowers and myself (read: make some fabulous and yummy creation that would be viewed with disdain and ridicule from the Tiny Terrorists who would then proclaim it POISON). I felt a wave of euphoria as I made dinner (read: I felt dizzy from the fever as I made stew).

After a delightful dinner was enjoyed by all (all as in me and only me as the Tiny Terrorists opted instead to eat apples for dinner), it was time for educational pursuits (homework and whining)! That was lovely, truly (yeah, if you find reading two pages of Puss in Boots and listening to a 6 year old whine about writing sentences lovely). Then it was of the hour that I have looked forward to since 6:30 am this morning (it’s true) – BED TIME for the Little People! Woohoo! And this my friend is where I lost all points in the Mother Of The Year thing, I sent my offspring off to bed without being tucked in. Yes I did, I am a HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE MONSTER! They weren’t even BAD, I was only thinking of my fever induced dizziness and the horrible wheezing caused by the nasty chest congestion and how it would be detrimental to my own health as well as their mental health if I were to pass out at the top of the stairs and fall down them with the offspring there to witness. Despite my reasoning with the progeny that “Mommy is sick, go to bed now.” I was still met with tears which filled me with the utmost in maternal guilt. Or maybe that was just the fever dementia and cold/flu medicine hallucinations… Ah well, maybe tomorrow I will be miraculously cured of this malady and be back to reading the offspring prose from Shakespeare and Dickens right before explaining the theory of relativity using visual models made from tooth picks and cheese cubes. Yeah… Right… Let’s just pray that the DVD player and the VCR don’t break. ;)

PS I'm still suffering on a slow ass dial up connection, so that means that when I'm not in a cold medicine and fever induced delium, I am tieing up my land line. If you need to call me, call my cell number, if you don't know that... well... ask or just leave a message on my voice mail, I'm sure eventually I WILL check that.
Tin Foil Hats And Hockey Games

Fuck I'm not dead people! Stop sending sympathy cards to my family. A few days offline and people think you are dead. I'm not, but I'm sometimes wishing I was. Damn this cold/flu/crap sucks. Except for the medicine, nothing like the cold/flu medicine halucinations. YEAH!

Last night thanks to D I had two primo seats to see the STARS play. After MANY calls I finally found someone who was more than excited to go to the game and sit in $100 seats with me. Yeah, really MANY calls. WTF? Whatever, the game was AWESOME. The Stars tied the game in the last 2 minutes and it went to over time then a shoot off. I took my Bitch Petey to the game and we had many laughs. Prior to getting to the game I convinced him to drive through a Starbucks for me. When the young guy asked if he could help us, Petey asked him if there were any HOT MEN there. The server paused then asked what he said in a very cautious tone. We were laughing hard by then - once again proving that he and I should not go out in public together.

Anyway, I'm dogsitting Coco the wonder dog again. She seems to have given up her crack habbit and has been the totally adorable wonderful dog again... aside from the vomiting incident this morning on my carpet... but all is well.

My DSL has yet to be restored as I have yet to get the new modem due to illness and not just my own. Damn this alien cold/flu/crap. Speaking of, I'm off to go try to convince my offspring that she needs to nap with me... the rest of the freaking day. Wish me luck.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Karma Is A Bitch Sometimes.

My damn DSL modem got fried by lightening early Saturday morning. I didn’t realize it until late Sunday evening… after all the store that sell DSL modems had already closed. Of course that didn’t stop K and me from hopping in the car and searching for one anyway. Futile and frustrating trip that involved me calling someone and talking to their boyfriend about my predicament and having him search for online for an open store as I waited in the car for K to come out of the second store. We ultimately realized that it would be best just to go home and get something the next day. Well that and K reminded me that he could set up my lap top to connect via dial up. Ahhhh yes, my internet addiction would be fed.

But… Dial up sucks, especially when you’ve been on DSL.

Other random things…

I’ve been dog sitting for a couple of days. It’s my niece again, the cutest dog in the whole damn world, Coco. Remember how I talked about how a REALLY good dog she was when I watched her for a week? And how well behaved she was and how sweet and all that happy crap? Well Coco has been acting like she’s been smoking crack! It’s insane. In the whole week that I watched her and left her alone in my home frequently, she never did anything bad. NEVER. D dropped her off Saturday night as I headed to the game and when I got home after 2 am on Sunday morning, I discovered that she had done a thorough inspection of my garbage. Sunday when I arrived home from work I discover that she had decided her garbage inspection duties weren’t over as she had dissected and scattered my bathroom garbage. EWWWWWW!!! Bathroom garbage is the WORST! Especially garbage from a woman’s bathroom… I won’t elaborate, I’m sure your mind is working overtime now and you have already gotten the horrific visual. So… Yeah, I wasn’t too thrilled about that. She and I had a few words about that… me saying “Ewwwww! Awww Coco! Yuck! No, no!” and her saying “Arf! Arf!” Other than that, she’s been her usual perfect doggy self.

Nothing says friendship like calling to tell someone about the really BAD porn you have figured out how to watch for free at the hotel you are staying at. Thanks Jovan, that was hilarious and frightening at the same time. Feel free to call me anytime.

Saturday night/Sunday morning must be FREAK Toll Booth worker night. I saw more freaks on the toll road than a carnival side show. My favorite was the very freaky one toothed man who decided to hit on me as he gave me my change. I suppose I could be flattered but I really was just creeped out and made me vow at that moment to get a toll tag.

Anyway, enough of this shit, I have a mountain of laundry to fold and a whole to do list of shit to get crossed off. Later beeotches!