Friday, March 10, 2006

Part Two Of Day One In Hell

Okay, whatever, it wasn’t quite that bad. Especially after two bottles of Boone’s Farm. Then I just let the Tiny Terrorist play on the computer while I slept it off the rest of the day. It all worked out.

Oh put the damn phone down, stop dialing Child Protective Services. I didn’t really do that. I don’t have a damn drop of booze around here! Yeah I know, it’s a huge surprise to you. Most people think I’m hitting the bottle every day and after they meet my kids they are convinced I’m drinking most of the day… or is it that they are convinced I drank a lot while pregnant?... hmm… whatever, it’s all wrong But I digress… I was talking about the Tiny Terrorists… and our day.

Child Dangers

Today after my 6 hour nap (kidding!), I was playing with the Tiny Terrorists. They had all these fake gold coins left over from Super Girl’s party and had them on their table. I decided that I’d take them all (pirate *shrug*). They start squealing with glee and trying to stop me. But I have the bigger hands, so suck it kids! Cabbage Patch has this plastic box that she’s trying to put some coins in and I start grabbing the coins out of there also. Next thing you know it slips out of her hands and whacks me right in the middle of the forehead. Which they think is funny (it’s not, so stop laughing) and I think is painful. I tell them to stop hurting mommy and we keep playing. Fast forward a few hours, K is home and the Tiny Terrorists are in bed. I go in to the bathroom and as I pass the mirror I notice a reddish purple line down my forehead. Yeah, from the box. Thanks kids! That’s going to look really fabulous tomorrow. *eyes rolling up in head*
Day One Of Spring Break
AKA – Hell At The Hands Of The Tiny Terrorists

7:30 am – Awakened by small children gleefully screaming for my consciousness. Note to self, must explain to them that 7:30 am is not considered SLEEPING IN, it’s just considered waking up late.

7:35 am – Question offspring as to why she’s naked, look at her questioningly when she babbles something at me, then tell her to just get dressed as I walk to the kitchen to make breakfast.

7:40 am – Walk upstairs to ask K why he’s still at home since it’s almost 8 am!! Tell offspring to put on clothes again, tell other progeny to put the cat down.

7:41 am – Walk down the stairs while muttering ancient voodoo curses aimed toward K because he doesn’t have to be at work until 10:30am and he’s still SLEEPING. Consider sending offspring up to play with Daddy. Tell naked offspring to GET DRESSED NOW. Smack other progeny on the back of the head and free cat from her clutches amid her LOUD protests.

7:42 am – Remember breakfast when the smell of burning pancakes enters my nose. Swear loudly and run to kitchen. Announce that the black pancake is for DADDY with a giggle then wash out pan and start over.

7:43 am – Tell offspring they CAN play games on the lap top just so I don’t have to hear them scream at each other anymore or torture the poor cat. Decide that a towel wrapped around the naked offspring is close enough to clothes and go back to kitchen to finish making pancakes.

7:45 am – Tell offspring to start setting the table as I put rock hard margarine in the microwave for 10 seconds to soften it. Pour more batter in pan.

7:46 am – Remember now liquidified margarine in nuker, snap open door and proceed to spill half of the margarine in microwave, down my arm and on cooking pancake. Repeat the swearing loudly.

7:47 am – Tell offspring to set the table AGAIN. Flip more pancakes, wonder why they are sticking, curse self for not just making WAFFLES… or cereal… cereal would be made by now. Done. No standing in the kitchen. Ponder my sanity and lack of sleep due to preschooler in my bed at 3 am.

8:00 am – Threaten progeny into setting the damn table. Return to kitchen to get plates of pancakes and glasses of milk.

8:05 am – Remember bacon damn it! Start turkey bacon in microwave while eating pancake standing in kitchen.

8:08 am – Tell progeny to NOT TOUCH THE CAT with syrup on their hands.

8:10 am – Retrieve bacon from microwave – nothing like the smell of turkey bacon. Go to pass out the bacon and be shocked that pancakes are completely consumed. Whatever, return to kitchen for coffee.

8:15 am – Tell offspring to stop fighting and to NOT TOUCH MY COMPUTER with their syrupy cat fur covered hands. Tell them to pick up dishes in tone that makes them ACTUALLY do it. Return to kitchen for coffee. Think of how much I hate the school system for SPRING BREAK.

8:20 am – Remove cat from progenies’ hands. Absorb evil eye being directed at me from syrup sticky cat and tell offspring to take a bath. Return to kitchen for coffee… maybe it’ll get made this time.

8:21 am – Pick up explosion of clothes (and towel) in living room from excited for a bath progeny. Ponder why they aren’t still sleeping. Listen as they start the bath water. Take a moment to Hate K for still sleeping.

8:25 am – Pray the floor is dry in the bathroom as I go check on bath progress. See both offspring and the entire Barbie population in tub. Tell progeny to stop washing Babies’ hair with my body wash. Roll up eyes, walk out of bathroom to read news and drink coffee. Oh yes coffee! Must make coffee! Consider making voodoo dolls of school officials as retribution for SPRING BREAK.

8:26 am – Hear splashing from bathroom that fill my soul with dread. Walk back to bathroom and discover offspring and Barbies reenacting the sinking of Atlantis. Feel headache starting. Throw down towels to sop up mess, repeat threats to offspring. Head to laundry room for more towels.

8:30 am – Sit down to read news and curse school system for stupid fucking spring break.

8:40 am – After 5th trip to the bathroom to tell progeny to quiet down, remove them bodily from bath and instruct them to find clothes.

8:41 – 8:50 am – Repeat instructions to GET DRESSED. Repeat hating K for sleeping in. Repeat curses to school system. Damn Spring Break!

8:51 am – Remove naked offspring from banister and DRESS them. Consider Valium cookies for them. Consider heavy drinking for me.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Cupcake Kisses

Nothing like half a tube of sparkly cupcake scented lip gloss smeared liberally on and around the lips of a 4 year old to totally put one off that particular tube of lip care product. And by put off I mean to make ones skin crawl at the very thought of (and attempt by) the above mentioned pre-schooler planting a big wet, sticky smootch on any exposed area of skin, making one smile fakely while wipeing said concoction from one’s body and deflecting pre-schooler by suggesting that the cat NEEDS a sparkly kiss. Yes, I am going to Hell. At least I won’t be suffering from a sparky lipgloss induced hallucination today.

I’m not dead, I’m just not getting online and when I am online I’m not visible and I’m not writing any pithy or witty or interesting because I’m not in that mood. I’m just here kind of crouched in the corner of the internet, watching but not being seen. Why? Fuck if I know. Maybe I need Prozac. Take up a collection, send me fun drugs. Or Coffee. And hot men.

Spring Break

Who’s this break for anyway? How I hate school holidays. Where exactly are my tax dollars going if my kid has a week out of every month off?? Well not quite, but it SEEMS like that. Year round school, that’s what I’m pulling for.Anyway, tomorrow starts my misery… er.. Spring Break! Tomorrow I’m looking forward to sleeping in, yet I can almost guarantee that one or both of the Tiny Terrorists will be up at or before 6:30 am making my life hell. Yea team. Last night they were in rare form. I suppose in preparation for the upcoming madness. Perhaps just because they were possessed by demonic spirits. Could be that they were being controlled by alien beings out to make my life hell. More likely they were just being BAD because their father wasn’t home. Yes. Lucky me. K had a test of some sort of useless mathematical shit to take and I had to use the whips and chains to subdue Chaos and Destruction as I threatened to remove their very existance from public record and memory just like the KGB. My threats and pleas were barely noticed as they continued their mission of terror. They were finally in bed a mere 10 minutes prior to K arriving home (an hour after he had told me to anticipate his arrival) after the 10 minutes of whineing and crying because of my steadfast refusal to walk up the stairs to tuck them in. I know, I’m such an ogre. Fuck off, my ankle is better but it still hurts to walk up and down stairs.

Coffe, Tea or Insanity?

Last night I didn’t make it out of the house early enough to make it to karaoke so Porn Star, Kermit and I went to Wally World then off to IHOP for coffee and insanity. We had three waiters last night. Shawn, Farm Boy and Smart Ass. It was fabulous. Shawn was training Farm Boy and Smart Ass was just being entertaining. We finally left as it was nearly 2 am (or was it after?) and Porn Star and I had consumed 3 pots of coffee between us. She swore she could feel her own heart beat and I knew I was about to vibrate into a parallel universe if I had even ONE more cup of coffee. All in all, a fabulous night.

Tasty Things and Not So Tasty Things

I had a Healthy Choice French Bread Pizza for lunch. Yuck. I didn’t enjoy it. But I bought it and since I spent the money it on it and it wasn’t just absolute ass, I had to eat it. Well that and the fact that we are out of bread, out of jelly, out of milk and I was just out of luck as far as lunch goes. It wasn’t very good Not very tasty.

But I did find something that is rather tasty. I found a tube of one of the Little People’s Lip Smacker lip gloss. It smells like cake frosting and makes me want to eat the whole tube, yet I know that it wouldn’t taste like fabulous cake frosting, probably just mildly sweet wax. Now I can’t stop thinking of cupcakes. I fear I may eat my lips by the end of the day.

Okay, I’m done. Shoo now. The burst of insanity is done. Move along, nothing to see here. Come back later and see if I’ve said anything impressive or witty or pithy… or if I’ve given in to my urge to eat the lip gloss and am hallucinating from the pretty sparkles in it.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Just Try To Make Sense Of This

Sometimes the best parts of the conversation are right in the middle and make no sense out of context:

"...30 minutes later they are all in the same place and you end up with weird ass marks and rub burns."

I'll just leave you to wonder what that was all about.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Monday Quiz Space Filler!

Your Stripper Song Is

The Bad Touch by the Bloodhound Gang

"Sweat, baby, sweat, baby sex is a Texas drought
Me and you do the kind of stuff that only Prince would sing about"

When it comes to dancing, you let your freak flag fly!

How true, how true.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Fat Ankle

This kind of shit only happens to me… Today as I was walking out of work, I sprained my ankle. Just walking, that’s all. RIGHT outside work. I swear I couldn’t have gone more than 30 steps out the door when it happened. LUCKILY K was there with me (with Tiny Terrorist in tow – in disguise as two mentally challenged circus monkeys dressed as clowns, he let them dress themselves) to drive me home . I thought I was going to chum right there as I stood there waiting for him to get the car though. It hurts, I’ll be fine, it just hurts.

The last time I sprained my ankle outside work it was much worse – yes I’ve done this before. My children are doomed! Doomed I tell you! Their father is a klutz also. Poor Super Girl has inherited out fucked up genetic predisposition to being a klutz too. She can trip over nothing (just like me). I silently apologize for that every time I see that kid trip.

Anyway, I’m medicated and heading off to elevate my ankle while taking a nap.