Friday, December 17, 2004

Looks Like Snow

At least it did here locally yesterday afternoon. Very locally, like just my living room.

Yesterday about 4 pm I get a knock on my door, it's my friendly (and somewhat cold) UPS delivery guy with a box about half the size of my living room. Ahhhh the presents from the grandparents. Though large it was not heavy. After shoving the box into the middle of the floor space, I cut the box open. Inside were thousands of white packing peanuts. Great. I've never really liked packing peanuts all that much, it must be from the 11 years as an administrative assistant having to pack up crap to be sent out and ending up with packing peanuts all over my desk area on a regular basis. Now that I have progeny I despise packing peanuts. Adults see packing peanuts as a minor nusance to endure which ensures the packaged materials are safe and secure. Children see packing peanuts as an instant and not uncomfortably cold snow storm, the contents of the package is completly irrelavant when packing peanuts are present. (I took their unwrapped presents out of the box with them just 4 feet from me, they NEVER noticed.)

After a quick search through the Packing Peanuts From HELL I discovered that despite the size of the box, there was very little in the way of items needing packing to such extent. Much to the Little People's delight the box was mostly full of packing peanuts and within minutes of removing the packages from the box, my living room had 6 in deep snow drifts.

I know you must be thinking I'm just a horrible bitch for not letting the Little People have their snow storm, but you obviously have never had to clean up a styrofoam packing peanut snow storm. Sweeping makes them scatter, vacuuming is difficult as the small amount of air generated from the brushes in the vacuum cause them to scatter and for some reason some of them tend to be kind of staticy and stick to the broom, vacuum, furniture, pets or clothes. When packing peanuts are used for a snow storm many tend to get torn into tiny little staticy pieces that resist normal cleaning methods. Yesterday I picked up most of the peanuts by hand, then vacuumed very well to get up the tiny pieces and this morning I'm still looking at pieces of them on the floor. Insidious little bastards just hang on to furniture hiding until the floor is completly clean, I'll be finding these particle for the next three weeks.

In summary, packing peanuts are Satan's creation, the UPS store who packaged the presents in such a fucking huge box to use so many of these damn peanuts are obviously the Minions of Satan and the grandparents who sent the box of toys are Evil (but hey, they are my family I think I've covered the Evilness of them before). And the only people who are truly happy are the Little People, because despite me yelling at them and banishing them to their room while I shoveled out the living room, they still have presents and they did after all get their show storm.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

You Drew A WHAT?!?!?!

Super Girl brought home this picture she drew just for ME. Take a look at it and tell me what YOU see.

Our conversation went as follows:

Her: I drew this just for you.
Me: Oh thanks.
Me: *with raised eyebrows* What's this? (Pointing to figure on the right)
Her: That's a candy cane.
Me: Ahhh. What's this? (pointing to the more questionable figure on the left)
Her: Oh I just messed up. *wanders off to play tea party with Cabbage Patch*
Me: *thinking how thankful I am it's just a candy cane and not an awfully good depiction of something battery powered in mommy's nightstand drawer*

It's a CANDY CANE you pervert! (yeah I know, so am I)

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Welcome Hanta!

I have a new rodent and I'm quite enamored with her. I've named her Hanta Virus, Hanta for short. (yes I know I'm touched in the head for naming my gerbils after rodent borne illnesses - Bea, short for Bubonic Plague). We picked her up earlier this week. I have wanted to get a friend for Bea as I had read on several sites about how gerbils are social creatures and need a buddy or they'll become depressed. I am the last person to want a pet rodent on Prozac so I began looking for a companion female gerbil (no breeding pets for me, I'd rather have a couple of lesbo rodents than have a litter of gerbils to deal with). A continual check of the nearby Pet Smart yielded us no luck as they only carry male gerbils (and other rodents) (we learned of their anti-female rodent policy earlier this week when we finally ASKED if they had any females) - I had contacted a few breeders about wanting a baby but none of the butt-licks.. I mean breeders felt I was deserving of a gerbil or an answer for that matter. We headed south a couple of towns and found the coolest mecca of pets - just as it was about to close! K pleaded with the proprietor that we were just needing a female gerbil and they apparently were the ONLY place in the area that carried them. Everyone scurried out of the car and into the store. I was imediatly in awe of all the exotic little beasties for sale and promised the Little People that we would definitly return to this store if only to let them (and ME) see all of the furry critters I won't ever let them have. We were quickly ushered back to the Wonderful Wall of Rodents (that's what I call it anyway) where we all ooohhed and ahhhed at the amazing selection of rodents - the chinchilla was sooooo cool! Before I became mesmerized by the adorable bunnies, I told the helpful, ever patient proprietor that I wanted the smallest (because it would probably be the youngest) female in the cage that wasn't Cinnamon colored (because I want to be able to tell my rodents apart, duh). The specimen pictured above is what I got.

We paid our $10.81 and left with a little cardboard box wrapped rodent. My rodent.

Once home I proceded to prove to my family what an incredible idiot I truly am. I dumped Hanta into Bea's cage. Suddenly what was intended as a cute and cuddly gerbil moment turned into a caged death match between Hanta and Bea, with Bea being the giant agressor. Despite the gerbils being rather tiny I was still reluctant to stick my unprotected hand in the cage to break up the battle - hey I've seen Bea reduce a wooden spoon into splinters in just a few hours, she can turn a toilet paper roll into shreds in 60 seconds, I wasn't about to have her mistake my fingers for Hanta and have me bitten, because then I'd hate her and seriously consider poisoning her or tossing her to my cat for a treat or something unmentionably horrible that I would consider but never actuallly do. Seeing the danger my new baby was in I skillfully used the box to separate the gerbils (well actually I think I made some uninteligible sounds of panic as I shoved the box in the cage to stop Bea's murderous rampage, luckily Hanta is smart and realized her best chance for survival was to hop off the side of the cage that she had just jumped on and to get IN the box) and removed Hanta from harms way (harms way = Bea's homicidal rage). Hanta is now in her own tiny cage - safe.

Apparently I missed the section in the gerbil FAQ's that said that some gerbils are not so much social as Sociopaths and that the longer they are kept as lone gerbils the more likely they will develop homicidal and sociopathic tendencies. Bea has taken to watching Hanta. she even took all the bedding out of her little penthouse - she used to spend much of her time stuffing her penthouse with bedding or just burrowing in her bedding up there. Now she's made a little nest in the bottom of her cage where she can watch Hanta in her cage. She occasionally goes to the bars to sniff at her and sometimes bites at the bars, I suppose in frustration or anxiety or psychotic rage.

I had read about how it can be difficult to introduce a companion to an older gerbil (Bea is a few months old and considered older), but for some idiotic reason I chose to completly ignore that and just assume that some kind of Disney union would take place and we'd all be knocked into a diabetic coma with sheer cuteness of their new friendship. Not so. Now I surf the internet for tips on introduction and antipsychotic medication in gerbil doses. I don't want to have a dead gerbil, I also don't want two cages to clean. I'm giving then just a few weeks to get used to each other and then I'm going to get rid of one (most likely Bea will go live with B (I'll have to check if it's even legal to give a gay man a gerbil) and I'll get a companion for Hanta) if they can not live together. I want two gerbils, cute and cuddly and if I wait to long and they never accept each other (well really if Bea continues to be a sociopath) then I'll have the same issues with Hanta. So that's where it stands, Hanta Virus and Bubonic Plague are incompatible, but there is much hope that they can co-exist.
Jesus Is The Reason? Really?

This article just galls me. (read it) I thought about it all day long before writing this (wanted to make sure I was properly offensive to everyone). This group is talking about putting ‘Christ’ back in Christmas by forcing stores to put MERRY CHRISTMAS on their advertisements or they won’t shop there. Yeah, that’s a really GOOD way to show the CHRISTMAS spirit. (eyes rolling up in head) I mean really, isn’t Christmas all about the colorful lights and the big ol’ tree all covered in ornaments and a mountain of presents to tear into on Christmas morning? Since I’m a Jew I might be confused, but I’m going back on my 7 years as a Christian convert for this knowledge. I may not have read that book really well, but I don’t think I saw anything in there about how Mary and Joseph set up a grand Christmas tree next to the baby’s manger, nor do I recall hearing how the three wise men brought fabulous presents from Baby Gap, Old Navy and Gymboree for Jesus. I'm pretty confident there was no Baby's First Christmas ornament up on the tree. I’m kind of foggy on whether there were lovely blinking lights strung over the stable, I do recall something about a bright and sparkly star, so maybe there was. I can’t remember or not if there was a passage about how the shepherds got caught in traffic trying to get to Jesus birthday party because of all the traffic at the malls, the lack of Amazon wish list for Jesus probably made shopping for him a real bitch. I’m almost certain there wasn’t anything about Mary wearing her brand new Christmas clothes as she set the table for all the guests. There was no ‘JESUS IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON’ in bright lights on the fence behind the stable. No piped in carols to entertain, no tensile on anything. I’m not really sure when Santa Clause arrived to bring baby J a shiny silver engraved rattle from Tiffany’s and a load of Discovery Toys (age appropriate of course), but it must be in there somewhere. The shepherds probably didn’t mind tending to the eight tiny reindeer along with their flocks and the light from Rudolph's nose made things extra festive as people took turns standing under the mistletoe for a kiss. I bet all of Santas elves were quite helpful what with Mary having just had a baby and all the guests hanging around. And I KNOW I did not read anything about anyone heading to WalMart, Target or the mall for the after Christmas sales. Please feel free to correct me if I am wrong on any of this.

The whole article is utterly ridiculous. Trying to de-secularize Christmas by demanding all the secular symbols of Christmas be instated is insane. Really I have to ask, is Jesus REALLY the reason for all of this? For all the self indulgent presents, for all the holiday stress, for all the frantic buying, for all the ornaments and flashing lights? Honestly, what would Jesus do for Christmas? Where would Jesus shop? And would he max out his credit cards? What would Jesus say – Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukah (that’s got my vote)? The world will never know.

* Take a moment to think about it, beneath all the sarcasm there is a point being made.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

From Me To XXX

Well... XXX actually did all the graphics on this one, I found the picture though, and the sentiment is truly all mine. ;o)
Greetings From XXX

Isn't he thoughtful? That's why I'm crazy about him!

Take a look at some other greetings he's done.

Monday, December 13, 2004

Something Funny And Innapropriate

My hot and sexy boyfriend XXX sent me this. (not appropriate for work, noisy, rude and offensive.)
Weekend Crap

My weekend was frustrating at best. Some moments were really good; a lot of moments were just difficult.


The day of Super Girl’s holiday dance recital at 3:30 pm. I head into to work not nearly as early as intended as I had to wash, dry and set Super Girl’s hair before I left. I entrusted K to handle the rest of preparation – I did this with much trepidation as I’m a total control freak in some areas.

My first hospital went smoothly, 7 on the list, 6 who could wait until Sunday. My second hospital was not so good. I’m greeted once again with unhappy nurses as the Friday photographers didn’t do their fucking jobs. Apparently 4 parents who were going home Saturday didn’t have their photos taken Friday even though the photographer talked to them and told them she would be in to photo their baby shortly. She just never fucking showed up. Great, unhappy nurses and pissed off parents. My favorite. Apparently the camera stopped working on cart 1. The photographer didn’t show up, didn’t even bother to tell the parents why. There are two photographers who work Friday so honestly there is absolutely no reason these people should not have been taken care of. The photographer with the broken camera should have had the other photographer take care of the 4 people. But of course not, the Friday people are Fuck-tards.

Three of the 4 were appreciative I was taking care of them and were somewhat understanding of the broken camera. One however was seriously pissed off and started to bitch me out – which I did not take.

The rest of the workday was spent with a very tight schedule so I could leave by 2:15 pm. I didn’t leave until 2:30 pm due to a very late and very insistent on having photos parent of a baby in NICU. *sigh*

I arrived at the recital just moments before it was to start, a quick check of Super Girl and off to my seat which K and B had held for me. Our seats were horrible this year, off to the side and a few rows back. This year they combined all classes for the recital so there was standing room only in the class. A few acts into the recital they brought in more seats for people and put them in two rows right in front of where we were. Fabulous. Now all I could see of my child was the top half of her head with her hot pink bow. I didn’t get any photos of her dancing; hell I couldn’t even see her dancing! Grrr…

We left when the tumbling started and headed home. Super Girl was adorable in her dance outfit (I did get a photo of that – and amazingly it came out fabulous despite her being a stubborn brat about having her photo taken… you’d think by now she’d be used to the photos commemorating EVERY damn thing in her life by now).

Lighting The Candles

Back home to eat left over (from lunch) pizza and yell at children to pick up their crap off the floor. We lit the candles and the children received nothing for Chanukah that as earlier that day they had peeked in my closet at their presents. I however was surprised by Chanukah presents from K and B. Specialty coffee (mmmm), a bad ass whisk from some high end gourmet store and a scraper thingy to go with it and a BOOK! Not just any book, but a book I have WANTED. The first of the Lemony Snicket ‘A Series Of Unfortunate Events’ books. All very nice and much appreciated.

Then they left. K, B and the Little People. *sigh* They usually leave on Saturdays – often they aren’t even here when I get home from work. I’m used to it. I considered what I should do for the rest of the evening since it was all mine and though I had several options (clean house, go to the movies, clean house, take a bath, clean house, read my book, clean house, work on one of my many unfinished projects, clean house, paint my toenails, clean house…) I was suddenly struck feeling very, deeply, utterly and completely alone. And I was. I usually like being alone yet that night the lonesome feeling was surprisingly huge.


I opted to take a long hot bath and read my book. Now I’m not a ‘long hot bath’ person. I don’t generally enjoy them. After cleaning and shaving appropriate body parts, I can’t see a reason to continue sitting in a pool of one’s own filthy bath water. But I tried to enjoy it; I did after all have some new bath salts and stuff. It didn’t really work, the bath smelled nice but I didn’t really enjoy it. I ended up draining the tub and showering off to feel CLEAN then heading to the couch to read my book – which I finished.

I enjoyed the book quite a bit and am anxious to get the next two in the series before I commit to seeing the movie (which is based on the first three books).

Then I went to bed.

Luckily Sunday was a better day (for the most part)

Work went smoothly and was quite profitable (and I didn’t even have to earn all the money!). I spoke with my hot and sexy boyfriend XXX. We went to a pet store and procured a new rodent for me (which is an absolutely adorable little critter); we had yummy spicy Chinese food for dinner and lit the candles.

More later… deep meaningful in-depth look at my damaged psyche. (I know you’re excited at the prospect!)