Friday, February 11, 2005

The Alcohol Knowledge Test

My results:

Congratulations! You're 118 proof, with specific scores in beer (20) , wine (116), and liquor (86).
Screw all that namby-pamby chick stuff, you're going straight for the bottle and a shot glass! It'll take more than a few shots of Wild Turkey or 99 Bananas before you start seeing pink elephants. You know how to handle your alcohol, and yourself at parties.
Kindergarten Mafia

I'm not sure who Super Girl pissed off, but I found a severed teddy head in her bed.
Brand Spanking New!

I just got my replacement coffee maker! Woohoooo!!!

Funny thing is that for some fucked up reason my last name was misspelled on the shipping lable. I have the EAISIEST last name! Oh well, I forgive the extra e since my Coffee Maker is HERE!!!

Well, gotta go, looks like it's COFFEE TIME!

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Valentine Card

Okay, I'm having a sappy MOM moment. Super Girl just finished making a Valentine's Card for her Aunt D. She wrote a short letter inside. I'm so proud of her, she sounded out all the words and wrote her little sentences. I'm all teary!
Ditchin' A Bad Date

There have been times in my life I have wished I had something like this.

We've all had bad dates. Luckily it's been over a year since I've had a bad date I needed to escape from.

My most memorable bad date worthy of escape was a blind double date that I had been set up on by friends. This was back when I was either a senior in high school or just out of high school. I had gone with a friend to her boyfriends house, and while they were messing around on the bed, I was at his computer typing away to someone on some BBS. Turns out that it was my friends boyfriends best friend. We talked for a while until boyfriend's mom came to douse them with cold water (call them for dinner). A day or so later boyfriend gave his best friend my phone number. He called and we talked, we got along well and had a lot in common. We talked on the phone for a week or two - we even called each other on the commercials as we watched The Omen on TV one night. Now Kirby - that was friends boyfriend - would always be evasive when I asked what his friend looked like. I'm not all hung up on looks so it wasn't a huge deal since we got along well on the phone. My friend decided that it was TIME for THE BIG DATE and she set up for all four of us to go to a movie premier one Saturday afternoon. We meet up and I see this guy. The first thing I notice is that he has the BIGGEST NOSE I have EVER seen on a human being. I mean HUGE. Like I said, I'm not totally hung up on looks so it's not a big deal. What was a big deal was that within seconds of meeting me in person, Big Nose totally fucking ignores me! Seriously! We go to Wendy's for lunch, he says absolutly NOTHING to me as we ride in is lemon yellow Volvo. He did spring for my burger - woohoo, big spender. At the theater as we stand in line he turns his BACK to me! My friend was sooooo embarassed she kept whispering appologies to me. His appaling behavior just made me focus more on his freakishly large nose and I kept repeating in my head "Don't stare at his nose! Don't stare at his nose! What a dick, why isn't he talking to me? Fuck! that's a huge schnooz!" I was thankful for the movie so that I didn't have to see his BIG ASS NOSE any more or deal with the silent treatment. Sheesh what an ass... I wouldn't be surprised if he still lives at him with his mom and surfs porn in his basement room every night.

Another abysmal date was just about 3 years ago. He SEEMED like a nice guy. We met at one of my favorite places for dinner. The whole time he kept stareing at me and telling me how 'cuddly' I was. I ate quickly, he was creepy. After dinner he tries to stiff the waiter on dinner then acts like it was an accident. *eyes rolling up in head* He gets me to sit in his car so we can *talk* - my mistake. I spent the next half hour pushing his hands off me as he tried to touch me, kiss me, hug me between telling me how pretty I was and how cuddly I was. I finally told him I had to go. Then he asked for a blow job and exposed his pittifully small penis to me. Yeah, I was so gone.

Another looser spent the entire time watching the game at the sports bar and ignoring me. Even the bartender was giving me sympathy. I had enough and told him 'later', he insisted on walking me to my car at that point and had the nerve to ask for SEX! (actually he mumbled so I had to ask him to repeat himself) I said 'I don't think so.' and pushed him away when he tried to kiss me.

I suspect that bad dates are easy to come by, it's the good dates that are quite rare.
Really Big Penis Night

Petey and I went to karaoke last night. That's my second choice outfit after some fucked up incident involving a shirt ripping on the seams a la Incredible Hulk. Okay, that's a lie, but it ripped and I had to change into the on in the picture

Ha - Fucking - Ha

Petey had prepared my seat for me. Nice plastic garbage bag covers there. I threatened him bodily if he told the story of the car at the bar.

My Bitch Sings

As most know, Petey IS MY BITCH. That is not to imply anything sexual, he's just my bitch. Occasionally the table turns and I'm his bitch, but usually - he's my bitch. In the past Petey has stated his dislike for Karaoke - yet he's been to karaoke with me twice. He's also stated that he won't sing karaoke - but here is photographic proof that My Bitch sings. This is a photo from when I was making him fuck up his FIRST song - yeah that's right, he sang like THREE songs, Mr. I-don't-sing-karaoke.

The best phrase of the night: Mild mannered and some what conservative Heidi telling a story and repeating the phrase "Really large penis" several times.

Best drama of the evening: The break up of a couple. Public breakups are intersting to say the least.

Weirdest moment: The really cute girl kissing the really unattractive scary guy.

At anyrate, Petey, who's an attention whore, is hooked - everyone loves him. He's very funny. Come to the dark side Petey!
Good Reading!

If you haven't ever checked out Savage Love, you should. Brutaly honest advice about sex and relationships from a snarky gay guy, what's not to love?

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

King Cake

So yesterday was Fat Tuesday and K asked... no BEGGED me to make a King Cake. I agreed and here it is. Not sure why the colors are so muted, but it IS the correct colors. Instead of a little baby doll, I put in a shiny new quarter as I just didn't have a tiny baby doll in the pantry and I though putting Barbie in the cake would have been overkill.

A Year Of Cock!

I mean The Year Of The Cock! At any rate I'm looking forward to it. Happy Chinese New Year! Go out and celebrate with some cock!

Tuesday, February 08, 2005


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

Hmmm... what do you think?
One For The Rental List

John Wayne as Genghis Khan. Oh fuck, I must see this dog of a movie.

Read this story. It just makes ME hurt and I'm a girl!
Cooooooffffffeeeeeee.... Cooooooofffffeeeee....
(anyone who has seen Shaun Of The Dead should conjure up images from that movie - and if you haven't seen that movie, well you SUCK!)

I woke this morning with my sinus' feeling like they had been packed with cement. Ugh. I took a NON-DROWSY sinus tablet - just one, not the recommended two. As soon as I returned from getting Super Girl on the bus I crashed on the sofa. So much for fucking non-drowsy sinus tablets! Lucky for me Cabbage Patch is still not feeling 100% and she's not tearing around the house getting into things.

Currently I'm sucking down some delicious coffee in hopes of gaining full consiousness.

Obnoxious - Even In Dreams

This morning my alarm woke me from a rather comical dream, wherein I was being obnoxious. All I remember is that a friend was over and he said he was going to go outside to smoke, I said okay and as his hand reached the door handle I heard a loud crack of thunder. He opened the door and it was POURING outside. He stands there dejectedly with the cigarette hanging from his lips as I laugh loudly and say "I guess that's a message for you to quit!" He looks at me with an unamused look and lucky for me the alarm went off as I suspect he might have been about to choke me.

What ARE They Teaching My Kid???

I was just looking at some papers Super Girl brought home, one is a series of papers that say 'I wish I had 100...' and the kids fill in the blank. It appears that my progeny wrote Nukes, as in I wish I had 100 nukes. The picture she drew to go with this page sheds no light toward it being anything other than nukes as it's a person colored red screaming 'Oooooooooho'. My child wants nukes and a hundred of them. I suppose she is planning to take over the world or destroy it. I know her birthday is coming up this weekend, but please, please, please don't buy her a nuke.

Monday, February 07, 2005


I'm not exactly certain why I find that disturbing. I don't think it's the missing nose or the fact that Kennedy fits so well into the mismatched outfit. Maybe it's because Kennedy is a BOY! Gender confused teddy bears are just wrong. Even in this household. ;o)

Falling Down On The Job

Many moments in my life have been puncuated by my pants/panties falling down. Let me illuminate you on this. My first memorable incident of gravity defying underpants happend when I was 6 years old. My sister, who is 2 years older and at that time in history was in fact a bigger kid than me, had some lovely panties that I coveted as much as a 6 year old can covet (which is a shit-load more than one would imagine and probably some kind of elementary major level sin). I decided to wear them one day despite the fact that they were large on me. At recess I decided to join my class mates on the playground and ran for the door like the rest of them. Lucky for me I had a desk toward the back of the class, as I reached the door to the blessed outside a large teachers hand held me back and a voice interupted my playground dreams with words about needing to go into the bathroom to fix my panties. I looked down and saw that my panties were at my ankles. My first inclination was to kick them off and run to claim a swing before all of them were taken, but at my teachers insistance I hiked up my drawers and headed to the bathroom where she kindly saftey pinned them and they stayed put the rest of the day. Looking back I could swear that she was snicker the whole time, hmmm... and in my 6 year old mind I just thought she had a cold.

That was the first, since then there have been more moments of my trusted undergarments deciding to vacate my ass without notice (and I'm not talking about all the drunken moments of panty loss). I just have untrustworthy undies. Most recently I lost some weight so my drawers are... well... a bit baggy. heh. A few weeks ago I went to the store in some well baggy shorts... that the zipper doesn't stay up well... (I know I need to buy some new ones, but hey I'm cheap!). I had to go to the store to get some milk, as I entered the store I had this odd feeling, kind of like my pants were EXTRA BIG and then it occured to me that my pants were atempting to reach the floor. I had to try to fasten my pants (the button came undone), zip them and pull them back UP (not necessairly in that order) while NOT looking like that's exactly what I was doing. See the store was full of people. I did manage to get my pants back up if only for the mortifying fear of them falling and EVERYONE seeing what hidious undies I had on (it was laundry day, so it was UGLY PANTY day).

Today I was reminded of these (and other) panty falling moments as I walked Super Girl to the bus stop. This cold morning a I walked to the bus stop with one child holding each hand, I noticed my undes inching down with every step. Futily I tried to keep them up by hiking them up every few steps but that became impossible as Cabbage Patch started whineing and trying to free herself from the death grip I had on her tiny wrist. Eventually I was just thankful for the pants I was wearing as the crotch of the pants was the only thing holding them up as they sagged down below my butt cheeks. I need to have a fund raiser for new undies. Maybe I'll add a paypal button for a panty fund.

And that's it... that's my story. I'm Judy and my underwear doesn't fit.

*No fears people, I did buy 4 pairs of new undies last week, so no need to cringe and wonder if my butt cheeks are exposed when we are together.
Is It Possible?

Could I REALY REALLY FINALLY be WELL? (Physically, not mentally - I'm not holding my breath on that one ya know) It's 2:14 pm and I don't have the overwhelming urge to take a very very long nap under a very snuggly blanket (or a raggedy ass afghan, two small cats and a feverish toddler).

Cabbage Patch is holding on to her fever as though it were the last piece of chocolate cake. She just isn't shaking the damn thing. It's LOWER than it was, but it won't stay gone very long. Her fever will break and she'll be fine, running through the house terrorizing the cats then she'll be laying on the couch stareing blankly at Scooby Doo or better yet asleep and I'll think... hmmm better check for fever and damn it, she'll have a 99 degree temp. And the guilt, oh the guilt! I have guilt because I'm not totally heart broken about this, there is something to be said for PEACE and QUIET and for not having to clean the living room more than once a day.

Well back to the sewing!

PS - I just sent an e-mail to a friend that contained the line "I've just been so busy it's been a miracle if I even manage to find a moment to scratch my ass in peace much less send out e-mails. "
Infinite David Hasselhoff Project

Because XXX is not only sexy but a comic genius, I give you THIS (stolen from his blog) (don't look to long, it will damage your eye sight).
Shopping, Shopping, Shopping

Damn, just how many times can one person go to WallyWorld in a 24 hour period?? Or should I say, how many times do I have to be tortured by WallyWorld in a 24 hour period?

I had to go back yesterday after work to get a few things that I need to finish a project. As I was leaving WallyWorld I was struck by a thought that strikes me every so often when I'm at WallyWorld. My work smock is the exact same fucking color as the WallyWorld smocks. Ugh.

On to other shopping...

Later yesterday afternoon we go to Old Navy to get Super Girl some pants - I had a $25 gift card to use and she's growing so quick! We go to the NEW store that opened up near by. After looking through a bunch of crap I finally find two pairs of pants and one shirt for her. When it was time to check out, we were greated with the BITCHIEST sales person to check us out, I was so irritated at the end of the transaction I almost tossed the gift card on the counter and told her to keep it (stuff it) as I would never step foot back in there to use the rest - which is likely I never will but my mental filter kicked in and kept me polite.

Now I'm going to be talking smack about K's boyfriend, which is something I generally refrain from doing on here.

B wanted to go to Bed, Bath & Beyond because he needed a shower caddy. heh. So we go and we walk around the store - that place is sooooo expensive! They have some of the COOLEST things there - I saw this bath set that had pictures on it from my FAVORITE artist - Theophile Alexandre Steinlen- I was lusting over all of that. Anyway B carefully inspected the shower caddys available and finally decided on an achingly plain one that made me want to blurt out "What? Your going to spend that kind of money on that? You could get it cheaper at WallyWorld!" Later I told K that and he kind of snickered and told me that B doesn't shop at WallyWorld. Heh. Funny.