Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Morning Commute and How YOU Can Make It Better For ME

I’ve come to realize that I really, really HATE my morning commute. I know, I know, you ALL hate your morning commute. Mine is REALLY LONG, in the Easy Bake Oven so sans AC and with standard transmission and a crappy radio. So it’s really FABULOUS. Nothing like sitting through three stop lights with your foot on the clutch while your leg muscles threaten to go into convulsions and your toes cramp up. Add in the fact that morning radio is utter SHIT and I only have a cassette tape player in the car. Yes, yes, I know, I’m truly lucky to have a vintage radio in my car and for that I should appreciate it, but you see, I don’t have any really GREAT music to play when the radio SUCKS (which is every time one of the DJ’s opens their mouths). As hard as it is to believe, I am LACKING in a truly bitchin’ music library on cassette tape. Sadly I stop purchasing cassettes when I chose to join the rest of the population and move ahead with technology and purchase CDs. Now, I’m in a sad predicament of having to listen to utter crap in the mornings. I’m sure someone out there has to have an impressive cassette tape collection. I’m quiet certain that someone would be more than willing to earn MANY, MANY good karma points by sending me some choice albums on cassette. You know you love me and you want to do this.

As I was driving this morning… wait, let me rephrase that – as I was waiting to crawl through a stop light, I caught sight of the car behind me in my rear view mirror (hey, I had to do SOMETHING other than plot people’s deaths). There on the dash was the most amazing thing ever. HELLO KITTY! The car behind me had a HELLO KITTY bobble head doll. The only thing keeping me from jumping out of my car and running back to that car to snatch HELLO KITTY off the dash was my aching, twitching thigh muscle threatening to go into a full on cramp from holding down the clutch. Damn that clutch! I NEED that HELLO KITTY! Actually I just need several bobble head dolls on my dash to amuse me while I waste my life in traffic every morning. Just think of it, my dash could be a veritable SEA of bobbling heads! How AMAZING would that be?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Let me just answer that in one word – very. And that’s why I’ve decided that for a limited time offer YOU amazing readers can earn double karma points by sending me bobble head dolls for my dash! ANY of them, I don’t care who they are (‘cept, I really DO want HELLO KITTY) just send them on and make my commute a little less homicidal!

My commute also involves steak. Wonderful fabulous steak that I don’t get to eat. I drive RIGHT PAST Lawry’s EVERY FUCKING MORNING! And every morning about 8:30 am I’m thinking how wonderful a fabulous steak from Lawry’s would be. So here I am again offering this limited time offer, anyone who wants to earn TRIPPLE KARMA POINTS… wait… I take that back, let me rephrase that – any guy who wants to earn the BEST BLOW JOB EVER can buy me a steak dinner from Lawry’s. Come on, you know that’s a good deal – one steak dinner for a fabulous hummer! Contact me directly for this offer – there is no limit to how many times you can redeem this offer. Supplies limited, void where prohibited, must be 21 or older to ride this ride. For external use only. Wash, rinse, repeat. Not valid outside the United States unless accompanied with jewelry. Offer expires at the express arbitrary decision of Judy. Act NOW!

See? My commute is frustrating and sucky. I have however found something that DOES make it a bit more bearable. BLOGGING! No I’m not driving around with my lap top on the steering wheel (but damn, that’s a thought!). Today it struck me that with all that free time where my brain was running amuck inside my head, I should be recording it! Since I lack any cool recording devices (don’t b so surprised) I decided to just write things down on a piece of scrap paper! Woohoo! Let me tell you, that was an experience! It’s hard to stay in the lanes while writing, then I figured I’d just write during the MANY, MANY red lights I have to endure. And here is the fruits of my labor! Well mostly. Amazingly my hand writing isn’t the most legible when using the steering wheel for a desk, go figure.

And that my friends is how I spent my valuable commuting time this morning. Eventually I’ll get used to sitting in traffic as opposed to my old commute which involved me DRIVING QUICKLY.

Off to bed now, 6 am is to fucking early to have to get up, but I still have to.

Monday, September 18, 2006

The Day In Question

This evening Super Girl was telling us that today was some damn obscure holiday at school today. She kept saying a word that wasn’t a word but sounded like other words so K and I had a little fun by guessing what the word could be. This is our list of what the holidays we came up with:

Confucius Day – Dude, this actually exists – February 27th or 28th is supposed to be his b-day Confucius
Contusion Day – Probably a very painful day
Concussion Day – Might not be memorable
Confusion Day – I believe that’s my every day state
Confection Day – Sponsored by Weight Watchers
Consideration Day – A very well planned and thought out holiday
Consignment Day – Could be very profitable
Conspicuous Day – I should have seen that holiday coming.
Conspiracy Day – K didn’t want to include this one, but I KNOW it’s just because he doesn’t want me to enjoy it.
Constipation Day – A day to celebrate fiber, LOTS of fiber
Consultation Day – A good day to see the doctor for that 2nd opinion
Consummation Day – Oh yeah, I’m looking forward to this holiday! I’m going to celebrate ALL day and night.
Conception Day – Oddly this day usually follows Consummation day.
Contraception Day – When this holiday precedes Consummation day, Conception day isn’t celebrated
Contagious Day – Sometimes THIS little holiday follows Consummation Day… and often requires a shot!
Contaminate Day – Well if you DO need that shot then you can celebrate this day… alone… with rubber gloves on.
Congratulate Day – A fine holiday to celebrate AFTER Contamination Day ends or when Conception Day has happened previously.
Contemporaneous Day – I love this day (just say the word – it’s it fabulous!), though it usually happens right when one of the other days happen. (look up the fucking word!)
Clitoral Day – I often write this day in several times a week – I prefer when Clitoral Day is contemporaneous with the next holiday.
Cunnalingus Day – Do I need to even elaborate? Other than to say that if I made a calendar this would be celebrated QUITE OFTEN.
Contortionist Day – Sometimes helpful for the previous holiday.
Conflagration Day – A nice firey holiday to keep things warm.
Confessional Day – Something for the Catholics
Condiment Day – Something for the hot dogs
Conductivity Day – Makes me want to buy copper… lots of copper.
Conestoga Wagon Day – This one just screams FUN!
Communist Party Day - I’ll have to send off my Lennin costume to the cleaners for that.
Complimentary Offer Day – Damn I’d just be praying that Starbucks was celebrating that, then I’d drive to EVERY SINGLE Starbucks in the Dallas area. I wouldn’t sleep for 3 weeks.
Concubine Day – Gives me the urge to wrap my tiny feet and drink jasmine tea.
Confrontation Day – Oh this could be a fun day. I think I celebrate this most holidays with my family.
Kilimanjaro Day – Dust off your climbing gear for that one.
Conjecture Day – It’d just be fun to walk around all day saying things like “Ah-ha! I conjecture that since the pot is EMPTY that YOU drank the last of the coffee!” Okay.. maybe not.
Congestion Day - *cough* *cough* Probably not as much fun as it sounds.
Conquest Day – Oh yes, I’m making a list for this one.
Conquistador Day – I just want to wear the funny hats!
Condemnation Day – AKA Hell In A Hand Basket Day
Conifer Day – Hug your favorite pine tree
Cattle Prod Day – Why not? It would be fun! Especially at the store with the person who has 30 items in the 10 items or less line. You know you want to celebrate that day.
Convenient Day – Just celebrate it whenever it works for you
Convulsion Day – Don’t swallow your tongue though.
Carnivore Day – Damn MEAT FEST day. Most guys would love this day.

Incidentally we were completely incorrect as the ‘holiday’ is the start of Constitution Week, which K assures me has something to do with History or something. I have my doubts since I can’t recall a John Wayne movie about the subject. (Hey! I’ve been eating my SMARTIES!)
Random Musings

There is NOTHING more fun than stalling one’s car on the toll way during morning rush hour traffic. And what makes it even better is when the car doesn’t turn over right way! Woohoo! Let me tell you, I could feel the LOVE in those few minutes until I got the car started.

So if one eats several packages of SMARTIES, will one in fact become SMARTER? If so, I certainly need to keep my pockets loaded with them so I can pass them out randomly to people who need them. “Excuse me sir, but I’m thinking you could really use this.” And if one eats SMARTIES with a carbonated drink, will it make one smart and effervescent? Or will you just end up with the burps and a sugar buzz? Must experiment.

I had to pay for parking today. PAY to park at the HOSPITAL. WTF? How crappy is it that you would have to go to the hospital for anything and then you have to pay $3 or $4 for parking on top of that. Talk about adding insult to injury. Seriously.

Over the weekend K left ALL the windows open in the car. And it RAINED. So, yeah, you get the picture. Sunday morning I sent him out to change the seat cover on the drivers side and dry out the interior before I went to work. I was ready to shove him in the trunk and leave him there the rest of the day for that. Nothing like driving to work on a rainy morning in a soggy car. (he didn’t get shoved in the trunk, who would have watched the kids if I did that??) It was FABULOUS at the end of the day getting into the car and having to dry off the windows on the inside. Grrrr… This morning was the same and after much bitching (by me) and dirty looks (from me) the window dried out so one (me) could see the road. The gloomy clouds this morning convinced me that it would rain all day so I rolled up the windows when I got to work. The sun was out when I left around 11:30 am. Because I was convinced of stormy weather I didn’t bother to put up the sun shades in the car so when I opened the door it was like opening the door to a sauna! Yeah just what anyone wants after work – driving home in a sauna. Fun stuff. The upside is that the car should be dried out since it’s stopped raining and I left the windows open… and K no longer has to fear for his life… at least on THAT issue. *casting evil glance in his direction* Lets not even talk about how MY camera got WET yesterday at the parade. Oh no, let’s just leave that one unmentioned. *stabbing pins into voodoo doll*
The End Of The Weekends

This past weekend was my last WEEKEND to work! Woohoo! Of course I start working weekdays TODAY and won’t get a day off until Saturday, so that kind of sucks. But that’s okay because I’ll get to SLEEP IN on Saturday! YAY!

Since this was my LAST weekend to work, I had to train my replacement. Generally weekends are only busy on Saturday and Sundays are really easy days. Not so this weekend. Saturday was So DAMN BUSY we didn’t walk out of the hospital until 5 pm and we never got more than one 15 minute break to run grab lunch.

I figured Sunday would be really nice and slow since we worked so hard on Saturday. AGAIN I was absolutely WRONG! Sunday was much busier than Saturday! It was CRAZY! AND to top that off, the manager decided she needed to observe my replacement to make sure I had trained her properly. Yay me. That meant that she was slowing us down for the entire time she was tagging along. *sigh* Luckily she didn’t stay more than a couple of hours. I was absolutely exhausted by the time I got home at 6:30 pm yesterday. It’s all good though, I had outstanding sales for the weekend. The WEEKEND WORK IS DONE THOUGH!

Hidden Stomach

The most fun I had yesterday was after I left my main hospital and headed to my secondary hospital to work (yippie…). I was sooooo ready to be done with work by then. I did the photos then grabbed my purse out of the cart and left, stopping by the restroom before I left the hospital. After washing my hands I started digging through my purse for my car keys. I couldn’t find them. I kept digging and finally took everything out of my purse. When I got down to the bottom of my purse, I could still FEEL things IN my purse – under the lining. I thought “Damn! This purse has a stomach and it’s swallowed a bunch of stuff!” I felt around in the bottom of the purse for a whole and couldn’t find one. Then I stuck my hands in the three side pockets inside the purse and again couldn’t find a hole. I was perplexed and thinking I might have to rip the bottom of the purse to get the MANY items residing inside the purse stomach. I stuck my hand in the outside pocket on the purse and still didn’t feel a hole so I went back to feeling around the bottom of the purse and thoroughly feeling the pockets. I was deeply disturbed by this point and then I finally felt it, a small whole in the outside pocket of the purse. I dug around in the purse stomach and found SEVERAL of my favorite lip glosses that I had been missing and just chalked up to the Little People as having swiped. I found other stuff, but the lip glosses was the most perplexing items as I don’t put my lip gloss in the front pocket of my purse. Actually EVERYTHING in the purse stomach was damn perplexing as I only put business cards and used Starbucks cards in that pocket and guess what? There were NONE of those in there. No matter, my KEYS were NOT something that was swallowed. (I found them back on the camera cart). I told K about the purse stomach later that night and he surmised that I did not have a purse but what I was carrying was a bag of devouring (sorry geeky gaming reference, please forgive!)

Okay! That’s all for an update for now, I must get dressed and get the hell out of dodge! Send happy profitable thoughts my way. Send me some LOVE! ;)