Saturday, September 02, 2006

And It Just Keeps Getting Better!

I’m ready just to skip this fucking day and move right to Sunday. Fuck, I might be ready to just move right to Monday. So the rest of my work day was startlingly unprofitable. And I was hoping to be finished with work early Sunday – I generally can count on Sunday to be a short day… BUT not this week. Sunday will be very busy, I already have 7 on my schedule and that’s not even counting any births from today! Shit. THEN I had to take 121 home instead of my usually route of the toll way as all my toll way money, AND of course the 121 was packed with traffic so it was a total CRAWL and that SUCKS sooo much in the Easy Bake Oven – I’m fairly certain I’m a tad overcooked. To top it ALL off when I get home I discovered that my computer has gone TITS UP! FUCK!!! K said he’d have to reinstall the OS because it’s FUCKED. Great, wonderful, fabulous. AND I still have about a million things to get done before people arrive tonight… I need a drink… or 3. Damn it! I want a do-over on this day!

Okay, I’m better now.
Some People Just Need Shootin'

Gawd how I dislike people who make my job more complicate! All I asked for was a print out of the screens - just like we get EVERY DAY, and for some reason that's just not within her clerical abilities. After waiting 5 minutes for her to realize I was standing at the desk for a reason she then tells me she doesn't know how to do that but she can give me a different list. Great, great, just give me what I need I think and take it. When I look at in upstairs I realize the damn thing doesn't have all the info I need nor does it list all the rooms and the best part is that it's not in order. *sigh* Breathing deeply now... all is well... having a great hair day. Okay I'm done.
A Million To Keep Me Company

I didn’t sleep well last night. I have a million things to do today and no time to do them because I have to go to that detestable place called WORK. Though I really do need to work since I haven’t worked in the past two weekends. I still have a million things to get done because PEOPLE will be over at mi casa tonight and mi casa es muy asustadiza (that’s scary). I’m going to leave a list of things for people to do, but I’m such a bitch, I like things done MY way so I’m still panicking because I know things won’t be PERFECT.

Whatever. On to other things.

Work related – SUPPOSEDLY my boss should know something about me moving to weekdays by Wednesday. I say supposedly because I was supposed to be moved to weekdays the beginning of August, but obviously since I’m bitching about WORKING today that just didn’t happen. We shall see.

Did you know I write poetry? No really I do and not that angst filled, depressing crap written by the Emo kids before they cut themselves. In an effort to get in touch with my FEELINGS because someone recently told me I really NEEDED to get in touch with them and I really don’t want to deal with THERAPY yet again (gave that up years ago) I write poetry on a secret blog (no you can’t have the link) so as no one will see (least of all the man who inspires most of the prose) the really bad poetry that’s vulgar, obscene, profane and sexual. It’s awful stuff, but it makes me giggle when I think “Hmmm don’t think Emily Dickenson ever used ‘fuck’ or wrote a poem about giving a blow”, then it seems really ridiculous and I like it. I don’t know if it’ll get me in touch with my pent up feelings or not, but it does seem to be amuse me if nothing else.

Okay, off to make a detailed list of what I need my slaves… er… offspring and K to accomplish while I’m away.

Friday, September 01, 2006

I Gave A Lap Dance To................

I stole this off Ash's blog because it's funny and it's way to much effort to be funny today... or interesting... or witty... or anything really... PMS sucks. BRING ME CHOCOLATE and BOOZE!oh heh... just do this yourself and put it on your blob.

Pick the month (number) you were born in:

1----I fell in love with
2----I ate a
3----I smacked
4----I sang to
5----I gave my number to
6----I murdered
7----I shot
8----I gave a lap dance to
9----I choked on
10---I bitched out
11---I had sex with
12---I humped

Pick the day (number) you were born on:

1-------A homeless guy
2-------your mom
3-------a banana
4-------a fork
5-------a Mexican
6-------a gangster
7-------a hooker
8-------an ipod
9-------my best friend's boyfriend
10-------a goat
11-------my dog
12-------a ninja
13-------the computer
14-------a football player
15-------my neighbor
17-------a Jones soda
18-------a llama
19-------a pickle
20-------a stuffed animal
21-------a permanent marker
22-------my dad
23-------a condom
24-------my psychiatrist
25-------a policeman
26-------my brother
27-------my sister
28-------a baseball bat
29-------a DVD player
30------- a paperclip
31-------my cell phone

Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:

White----Because I was high.
Black-----Because I was drunk.
Pink------Because I'm NOT homosexual.
Red------Because the voices told me to.
Blue------Because I'm sexy and I do what I want
Green----Because I hate myself.
Purple---Because I'm naked.
Gray-----Because that's how I roll.
Yellow---Because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange--Because I hate my family.
Other-------Because that's how I roll.

I gave a lap dance to my dog because I'm sexy and I do what I want.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

The Electric Company- Easy Reader

I'm addicted to these clips of the Electric Company! Must get them on DVD now.

Okay, I amost laughed myself out of my chair with this one. Funky 70's Morgan Freeman is too much!

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

The Electric Company- The Plumber

Oh look! Another of my favorite skits from The Electric Company!
Electric Company:

I love this '2001: A Space Odyssey" monolith parodies! I know they have more - different letters (I remember one for 'E'). I MUST find MORE! um.. yeah... enjoy.

Sometimes I think this song was written just for me... other times I don't.

Lovefool Lyrics

Artist: The Cardigans

Dear, I fear we're facing a problem
you love me no longer, I know
and maybe there is nothing
that I can do to make you do
Mama tells me I shouldn't bother
that I ought to stick to another man
a man that surely deserves me
but I think you do!

So I cry, and I pray and I beg

Love me love me
say that you love me
fool me fool me
go on and fool me
love me love me
pretend that you love me
leave me leave me
just say that you need me

So I cried, and I begged for you to
Love me love me
say that you love me
leave me leave me
just say that you need me
I can't care about anything but you

Lately I have desperately pondered,
spent my nights awake and I wonder
what I could have done in another way
to make you stay
Reason will not reach a solution
I will end up lost in confusion
I don't care if you really care
as long as you don't go

So I cry, I pray and I beg

Love me love me
say that you love me
fool me fool me
go on and fool me
love me love me
pretend that you love me
leave me leave me
just say that you need me

So I cried, and I begged for you to
Love me love me
say that you love me
leave me leave me
just say that you need me
I can't care about anything but you

(anything but you)

Love me love me
say that you love me
fool me fool me
go on and fool me
Love me love me
I know that you need me
I can't care about anything but you

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Invisible Pools

Saturday was to be a most amazing day for the Tiny Terrorists. We had invited MacGyver over with her little man to swim at the pool. Being that the temps have been 100 + for a while now, so a day at the pool and then grilling hot dogs with friends sounded fabulous.

Saturday the Tiny Terrorists slept in to an obscene 8 am! Yes I was shocked they would allow themselves to sleep so darn late (sarcasm). After watching cartoons for an appropriate amount of time, I bribed the offspring with the offer of WAFFLES from Waffle House for breakfast. This worked and they got dressed pretty quick, little did they know that after WAFFLES, we’d be heading to HELL IT’S SELF! WALMART ON A SATURDAY!

Actually the Wally-World trip was pain free and relatively whine-free– I think a massive sugar rush for the progeny kept them in good moods. After frivolously blowing most of my measly pay check on essentials like FOOD and GAS, we headed home to prepare for the arrival of MacGyver and Little Man. They arrived right on time with hot dog buns and bagged salad in hand. We all slipped into swim suits and sun block and headed to the pool… and THIS is where the REAL adventure began.

We got to the gate and found it locked, so we walked around to the other entrance and found it also locked. No sign, just LOCKED. I found this perplexing as it was 100 outside and a weekend and one would think that when it’s been 100 + for so damn long that people would make certain that the pool would be open especially on the weekend. I went to the office to ask WTF? And was told that something was fucked with the chemicals and it would be open Tuesday or so. Awww damn.

I informed the group of the unfortunate circumstances and we went back to me casa. Somewhere on the 3 minute walk, I had an epiphany as I remembered that the fine city of M has at least ONE public pool. Once seated comfortably in front of my computer I found the city web site and the link to the aquatic centers. It showed two pools VERY CLOSE to me. I called each to find out the rates - $2.00 for adults $1.25 for kids – and the hours and then we headed off. One was on Louisiana Ave. and the other was off McDonald. We headed for the one of Louisiana – heading directly for where the nice person who answered the phone told us to go to. Suddenly Louisiana turned into Greenville and it never did cross Hwy 5! We were perplexed. MacGyver and I both knew were this intersection was supposed to be (or so we thought) and there was NO signs of a public pool anywhere.

We headed off towards the other location. We drove down McDonald until we were quite certain we weren’t in the fine city of M anymore. We drove back. We circled. We looked. We finally gave up because we’d been driving around for an hour in a 4 mile area. The Tiny Terrorists and Little Man were getting restless. We headed back towards Casa de Karmically Challenged amid a chorus of disappointed little voices.

Upon return to the Casa, a check of the almighty and all powerful Mapquest revealed two things 1) the city of M was designed by either sadistic bastards or retarded monkeys… er.. Um, I mean apparently someone thought it was a really good idea to have Louisiana to turn into Greenville but if you turn on Throckmorton you will find Louisiana again. There’s this whole section of Louisiana that’s not connected to Louisiana for some jacked up reason. AND that apparently someone has a really sick sense of humor as the location on Mapquest for the other pool is either at the city cemetery or at the city dump which is behind the cemetery, I have no idea but I’m now morbidly curious to see this as I now how images of Poltergeist going through my head (it’s cool, I love that movie).

Since we were back at Casa de Karmically Challenged I figured we might as well get the grillin’ started! I dumped what looked to me to be a proper amount of charcoal in the grill and liberally doused it with charcoal lighter fluid then lit it. I have to say, I have the feeling that I just MIGHT have put too much of the charcoal lighter on them as they were not only completely engulfed in flames within 30 seconds but the flames were shooting up from the grill about 3 feet. No matter, the charcoal was ready REALLY fast and that meant the hot dogs were ready really fast.

After dinner I gave the kids cupcakes, because ya know, everybody loves sugared up kids!

The evening was a success even if the Little People never could get the Little Man’s name right. Thankfully Sunday morning they slept in to a surprising 8 am.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Friday’s Adventures

Friday started out innocent enough. I got up at the same time, got the Tiny Terrorists off to school as usual and then I went back home as usual to sit around in my undies and drink my 40 as usual (just kidding about the 40). Today would be different though. Today I would drive K to the airport so he could spend the weekend in Chicago (lucky bastard) with his new ‘friend’ (who happens to be really nice, smart, funny and cute (lucky bastard) – a total step above The Refugee) and then have lunch with La Seg.

All went smoothly for the drop off and then the trip to La Seg’s work. Lunch with La Seg actually had a double purpose. One was the obvious, to hang out with La Seg and have sushi, the other was to actually validate the existence of the Easter bunny. The Easter bunny is the name I refer to her brother because he seemed to be total myth. People spoke of him but I had yet to actually see him or even a photo of said Easter bunny, so I wanted to see if he was REAL and not just a figment of La Seg’s active imagination that she used when she was a kid to get extra presents at Christmas. EVEN though I had heard Hitler mention the Easter bunny, I have been to her house and seen several photos of La Seg, but NO photos of the Easter bunny, so I was skeptical… her mom might just go along with her to keep her happy. Shortly before leaving for lunch we stalked him through the shop and she PROVED that the Easter bunny does in fact exist - I’m almost disappointed that my theory of a Pretend Sibling was busted, him being a cute kind of made up for any disappointment.

ANYWAY… I digress (as usual), we headed out (in La Seg’s air conditioned vehicle) for a delicious sushi lunch then decided to head over to Sam Moon for some lightening fast shopping. At the stroke of 3 pm we decided to dash up to Casa de Karmically Challenged to meet my offspring at the bus stop by 3:50 pm. And THIS is where the trouble started…

We immediately ran into amazing amounts of traffic as soon as we got on the highway. I didn’t worry to much as it should only take 30 minutes to get from where we were to the Casa de Karmically Challenged. Or so I thought… At 4 pm we are just at the “Welcome to M_ _!” sign by the bridge and traffic is just crawling. We take the Hwy 5 exit because I figure it will be faster to go by the hospital – not so much, it’s packed again, just crawling. We turn down another road by the school – again crammed with barely moving traffic. Finally we go a round about way and get to my street from the other direction and finally make it to Casa de Karmically Challenged at 4:45 pm! 45 minutes AFTER my offspring got off the bus! My progeny made me proud, they proved to be rather smart and went to the office and explained their situation and the maintenance man opened the door for them. I was terrified that my offspring would have been running around like wild animals in the creek and I’d have to go hunt them down. Thankfully they are much more responsible (and paranoid) than I gave them credit for. When I opened the door they were all red faced (they had waited outside for like 35 minutes before going to the office) and full of hugs and “Mamma! We were so worried!”

To buy off our guilt for being so late, we gave the Little People their pressies from Sam Moon – La Seg had gotten them each a satin coin purse covered in sequins (which they LOVE) and took them to Braums for ice cream. Then we headed back to the shop.


The shop proved to be full of many wonderful and splendid things for the Little People, not least of all La Seg’s family – Hitler, Santa and the Easter bunny. The Little People were mesmerized by Hitler and her desk of many things. La Seg took us on a tour through the workshop and blew their little minds with the machine that softens the plastic to make the signs… oh yeah AND the big Denny’s sign that was there. The Easter bunny delighted the wee people by turning on some of the neon signs for them to see and when we were almost ready to leave, we discovered that Santa was in his office and the Little People were completely entranced by all the signs in his office. I was paranoid with them touching all the signs but Santa didn’t seem to even notice. (Yes the Little People actually do believe La Seg’s father IS Santa and that this is what he does when he isn’t at the North Pole making toys.) The whole damn family is so damn patient it’s mind boggling. Currently I’m trying to forge documents to prove I’m actually part of the family (or devise another devious plot to join the family) as I think these people are going to make the coolest grandparents EVER and damn it, I’d like to be able to drop the Little People off there for the weekend. ;) (Kidding La Seg!)(*update - I've decided the best way in the family is to stalk the Easter bunny and give him an heir by any means necessary... I already know where he lives, where he works and who his family is... the rest is just a matter of time until he gives in or goes into the witness protection program... will update with a complete plan later. Easter bunny you will be mine!)

The evening ended about 10:30 pm after we got back from a super fast Chinese dinner (we got there at 9:30 pm and the lady taking out order kept saying “We close at 10 pm!” and I’d say “We’ll eat fast!” and we did!). And the most ironic thing happened on the way home. When I got right to the ‘Welcome..’ sign again, traffic was stopped for ANOTHER ACCIDENT. I had to call La Seg and tell her.

And THAT is the fun we had on Friday. (Go check out La Seg’s blog for her version of the fun)