Saturday, July 30, 2005

Sucking Saturday

Today sucks. I should be working but I'm fighting the urge to just go the fuck home and crawl under the covers until sometime next week. I'm sure you are wondering why it sucks so much... Let me tell you... I gained 2 freaking pounds this week! I do realize it could just be water retention from the pizza but I suspect it's just FAT retention from the ice cream and cake this week. I know you are thinking 'that's not enough to say the day sucks from!' well yeah actually it us, but let me go on. A special friend moves AWAY today and that sucks. Again you are probably saying 'Oh come on, that's not so bad.' And you are sort of right, but still it does suck, even though there will be visits and all, I'd rather him still live 20 minutes from me. BUT WAIT, there's more! I got a ticket this morning. Yeah a ticket. I finished up paying off someone's mortgage up at Plano PD with the other one just a few months ago and NOW I'm priveledged to get to do it again, this time for Frisco! Woohoo. Mutha fuck! And ya know what sucks even more? I started to cry when I got pulled over! I NEVER EVER cry in front of people, and especially not for a ticket. (hell I'm crying now!) I'm so on the edge today and I'm totally emotional. A TICKET was not the thing I needed right now, I've got enough stress going on. So, come on people, cut me some slack right now - if any of you have the urge to send me a nasty e-mail - DON'T, I've had enough and I didn't deserve that one anyway, if you are pissed at me, well save it for later, if it's important enough it will keep until later, if I owe you money, I'm sorry, it's not happening right now, if you owe me money, just pay up or at least buy me a frappichino and a box of Kleenex. I'm not asking for much, just come on, don't kick me now that I'm down, I've had enough, really. I need my friends right now, not people trying to make my life worse (you know who you are), I need people who love me and are willing to be on my visiting list for when I probably end up in the Frisco jail.

Well I better go back to work... Or go sit in the restroom and cry for the next 45 minutes and hope for pity sales or something.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Ice Cream Coma Birthday

Tonight we celebrated Cabbage Patch's birthday at Ben & Jerry's. The day before her birthday I got a call from B&J saying I won a Vermonster - which is a 20 ice cream scoop sundae, so I decided to use it for her birthday. We invited some family (K's brother and sister-in-law and their son) and some friends (B, K's boyfriend and Whysper). There were 8 of us and we could have used a couple more people to help with the ice cream.


This is how it starts, all the ice cream and stuff in the BUCKET-O-FUN.


My eyes, as photographed by my 4 year old.

Two Redheads

Me and Whysper after GORGING on Ben & Jerry's.

The FatChickie had the BEST thing to say though:
thefatchickie : dude,..... Never try to handle two men at once... That goes for Ben and Jerry!
thefatchickie : LOL I had to learn it the hard way
thefatchickie : one man at a time

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Man, words of wisdom! Shit I think I may die from ice cream overload... But I'll be HAPPY!!

Club Night

Saturday night I went out with some of my posse to the club. My posse. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I've always wanted to say that. So ANYWAY, after work on Saturday I took a long nap so I could stay out late with the girls. When I woke I immediately started to PANIC about what the fuck I was going to wear! I am SUCH a mom, I don't have JACK SHIT that's HOT and HIP enough to be considered CLUB WEAR. But I was determined to go out and get my freak on... Or whatever. So I called in K for the GAY opinion. I completely disregarded it when the outfit he favored was the tight one that showed off all my lumps and bulges. Yeah, hot and sexy - NOT! So in absolute desperation I opted for the outfit that I had worn to work - can you get ANY more pathetic that THAT?? I think not.

Whysper picked me up a bit after 10 and we headed out to meet up with FatChickie and Dora. GothK decided to join us at the club which kind of surprised me because I had heard from FatChickie and Dora that the club was Hip-Hop/RB on Saturdays and I just didn't think she would be cool to that. I wasn't all to sure I'd be cool to that myself, I'm not all that into hip-hop, but I was willing to check it out, and in the end my inner ghetto enjoyed the hell out of it.

The club was pretty full when we got there, lots of fine men to bump into. Also lots of manly women in the club. But most importantly, LOTS of fine men.

I won't bore you with all the details, just hit the high lights:

I wasn't dressed NEARLY slutty enough, but that did not mean I didn't get hit on.

Early on it was discovered that my retainer GLOWS in the black light. Yeah, that was just fucked up. I had the WHITEST GLOWING smile, it was truly FREAK FACTOR there.

GothK cracked me the fuck up because one of the bouncer guys kept hitting on her (she did look good though) . At one point we were sitting at the table and he says to her "So do you want to know my name?" She said "No not really, but you can tell me if you want to." ohhhhhh... Shot down!

FatChickie kept buying us drinks - gotta love that! Having 4 Orgasms back to back with your girl friends ROCKS!

Some hot mutha fucker kept rubbing up against me most of the night. Damn I hope he had a license for that thing, because he was packin!

There was this one white boy at the club that looked like he got lost on the way to his Amway convention. He was a cute stock broker looking guy in his white shirt and tie, but he looked out of place. One time at the bar, FatChickie said "I'll give you a dollar if you go talk to him." I laughed she upped it to $1.50, then $2 and $3 and finally a shot (now she was talking) so I walked over and introduced myself like she suggested. About the time I was playfully tugging at his tie and teasing him about being out of place, FatChickie dragged me back to the bar laughing saying she didn't think I would do it! When I told her what I told him, I was chastised and told that I WAS supposed to tell him that my friend had dared me to talk to him for a shot. THEN she WENT OVER TO THIS MAN AND CRUSHED HIS EGO BY TELLING HIM THAT!! Drunk women!

I picked up some hot, hot, hot soccer player who was trying to impress us with his soccer prowess. He was doing really well when he was all "Here feel my leg" and letting me touch his hot body, but when he started actually TALKING, well he was a real ASS HAT. Whatever! I turned away from him and left him to talk to FatChickie and hit on her. She finally sent me back over to him, with the warning that he was a JACKASS. I went back and he told me that he'd like to fuck me but didn't want to go way up to my place, to which I replied "That's okay, I don't want you at my place." End of the line for you dude, gonna have to go home and jack off. Sorry 'bout your luck.

At the end of the night when the lights came up, some fine Sean Puffy Combs look alike was asking for my number. When he asked where I 'stay' and I told him NORTH City, he was all "North City?? Way up there?" and I told him "Oh, I'm worth the drive." He got my number, but he hasn't called. hehehe... Like he WOULD!

We stopped off at Jack In The Box after as GothK would not agree to go to Krispe Kream. Damn it. If I hadn't decided that I was her bitch now, I'd have been pissed. (kidding about the bitch part)

Anyway, I got home at 3:30 am. It was fun, must do it again.


Because I KNOW you all have missed STICK ART, here is a self portrait. Looks like me doesn't it? Yeah. Now BRING ME STARBUCKS DAMN IT!!! Oh, sorry.... I get all twitchy when the caffeine runs low... off to make coffee!
Good Friends Can Call Each Other Fuckers

The best conversation today:

Him: I was just calling to say sorry that I hadn't called earlier to let you know we can't make it to the party tonight.
Me: That's okay, your wife already called and covered your ass. But now you owe me a beer you fucker!
Him: *laughing*
Me: I didn't say that to your wife. I didn't call her a fucker.
Him: *laughing* *laughing* That's good!
Me: But it would have been funny to hear her drop the phone.

Yeah I'm wrong in the head. Yes he owes me a drink. Yes he is a fucker - in fact I instructed him to hit it with his wife right now and get her pregnant with #2 before his 3 year old turns totally evil and makes them reconsider having another one. Which lead to:

Him: Well I can't right now, I've got to work.
Me: Oh come on! On your lunch break. Three minutes.
Him: *laughs* Yeah that's for me, not her.
Me: So call her and tell her to be ready when you get there.
Him: Believe me if it was that easy I'd be on my cell phone every day on the way home.
Me: It would for me! I'd be slapping a tape in the VCR every day when he got home. 'Here kids, watch this, mommy will be RIGHT BACK! Have a popsicle."
Me: But yeah, I got a gay husband. That's not happening. It's a big cosmic joke on me isn't it?
Him: Yes it is. *laughing*

And people wonder why I'm shareing a bed with BOB and no one esle. Well I need to go make a voodoo doll of him, fucker... and I only mean that in the most loving of ways.
Inappropriate Laughter

Over inappropriate content. Go watch, much funny. Thanks Edana, I laughed my left boob off (gawd damn it! I can't afford to lose that, where is the stapler???).
Things To Ponder

How does one tell if the yogurt is bad? I mean other than if it has fuzz growing on it. Even 'Fresh' yogurt has an odd smell and a odd taste. My inability to tell or to discern if it actually tasted off or was just my imaginination resulted in me having toast and grapes for breakfast instead of yogurt and grapes.

If a lesbian is a woman who likes having sex with women and I like having sex with myself (albeit with BOB's help) and I'm a woman does that make me a lesbian or a narcisistic? Should I change my dateing profile?

So is it brave or stupidly desperate of a man to e-mail me after almost 2 years when our last *ahem* meeting ended with him 'reaching the finish line' well before he reached the starting positon, and for him to admit his failure to contact me was due to his debilitating embarasment of his rather 'quick trigger'? I'm considering e-mailing him back with information on 'premature ejaculation' and the name of a good therapist to help him with his embarassment or just DELETING the message, rolling my eyes up in my head and blogging about what a sad little man he is. Oh.. wait, I just did that didn't I??

Do I really need to be RESCUED from dusting? I just saw an old Pledge commercial where they promise to 'rescue' me from dusting. Hmmm.. *looking around* looks like that's not a problem here.

Why doesn't Starbucks deliver?? Damn my sad existance!


Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Tooth Fairy's Coffee Connections

Dear Ms. Fairy;

You ROCK! I'm so going to get myself a frappichino tonight!

Thank you for feeding my addiction, I am forever greatful.

This totally made my day.

Big hugs and kisses;

Cryptic Message Confuse Many

Yesterday my message on messenger said something about David Hasselhoff, this confused many people. Let me explain, yesterday The Wife and I were laughing about a time we were watching reruns of Knight Rider. Hence the message... besides... he's very popular in Germany.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

The Tooth Fairy Delivers (To Somepeople That Is)

Right before bed I typed up a reply from the Tooth Fairy:

Dearest Super Girl;

Please accept these two shiny coins in exchange for your precious tooth!

Take good care of your teeth and brush them well!

Watch your mail for a Fairy letter.

Much Love,

Tooth Fairy

Much to my chagrin I only had dimes in my coin purse, not quarters as I had thought, so my darling child only got $.20 for her loss (aren't you glad I'm not your mamma). I left the envelope addressed to her right where she'd find it and headed to bed.

BRIGHT and early, Super Girl burst into my room saying "Mamma! Mamma! She left me two shiny coins!" Then like the sweet child she can be she said "Did she bring you a Starbucks card?" Nope, that did not happen. Oh well.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Letters From The Edge

Last night Super Girl lost a tooth right before bed, we just finished writing a letter to the Tooth Fairy. I know, it's amazing that I'm doing this in a TIMELY manner this time.

July 25, 2005

Dearest Tooth Fairy in Tooth Fairy Land;

I would like to inform you of the loss of my most recent tooth. As you can clearly see I have taken very good care of this baby tooth (you can thank my mother for making certain that I brush on a regular schedule – even when my tooth was wiggly).

In exchange for my sparkling tooth (I had just finished brushing when my dearest mother yanked the wiggly beast from my gaping maw) I am requesting a gift card to Starbucks… no kidding, mom wrote that, I would like a couple of shiny coins and a Starbucks gift card (again mother said that). But a lovely card in the mail from a REAL FAIRY would be lovely and most appreciated.

Warmest regards and much affection;

Super Girl (your biggest fan)

PS – Any idea when the fairy eggs might hatch?

What? What's wrong with asking for a Starbucks card? I'm just being practical!
Professional Discourteousness

Why is it that some people feel that they can be rude to those they feel have menial jobs? This is something I run into occasionally. Case in point, yesterday I walked into a room to do photos of the couple's newest bundle of joy. In the room were visitors, two couples, one with their two rambunctious boys and one with out children (more on the moronic visitors later). As I set up I could hear one of the women in the room talking to the mother about how these baby photos are just so awful and the mother agreed and said something about how you still just have to get them just because. Now firstly, I absolutely hate when people say that. I have been a baby photographer for 4 years and I take care to take good photos (even of the ugly babies). Secondly, how can you be sure something is 'BAD' until you actually see it? When I actually started taking the photos the other idiot woman.... I mean visitor had to stand at the end of my cart and make annoying noises at the baby thereby distracting the baby and making it harder for me to get a good photo - but I did get a good photo. Also she had BAD breath and since she was standing so close, I got assaulted by her halitosis. ICK. Fuck she needed a Tic-Tac and to back the fuck away. When I got finished with the photos and showed them to EVERYONE, I (mentally) punched the fuck out of Mrs. Bad Breath as she GASPED and said "Oh! Those are really good!" I looked right at her, giving her the politest "Go Fuck Your Self!" look and said "Of course they are, I'm a professional photographer." She slunk away and hid in the corner as I finished the transaction with the parents (who for some jacked up reason were also in a state of shock at how the photos were so GOOD).

The moronic visitors did something that made me want to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. They were basically using this baby as a prop for their photos! Mrs. Moron was holding the baby for Mr. Moron to take a photo, then she had her kids come sit with her while she held the baby, then Mrs. Halitosis and Mr. This-Is-A-Good-Place-For-A-Stick-Up, then all fo them, then the parents, etc., etc., etc. I hated them all and I didn't even know them. I felt the urge to give the Moron Children a number for some kind of support group because I'm sure they will need it at some point, but I refrained as the sale wasn't THAT good. Then I left while mutter ancient voodoo curses in my head.

Another dad chapped my ass enough to make me want to leave and say fuck it to the sale. Lucky for him, he realized it and got nice really quick. He was bitching about all the information I was getting from him (we mail the photos, so it's necessary to get mailing address and name, duh) and complaining about how many companies put you on mailing lists, blah, blah, blah, as he complained about the info I was asking for. I cut him off with a curt "Well this is my job ya know." Before I could add "If you don't want to give me the information, you don't have to get the photos done. Have a nice day.", he looked shocked and embarrassed then patted me on the shoulder and blurted out some kind of apology and babbled on about how sad that society has come to this where we have to be so paranoid about the information we give out. Whatever dude, you signed at least 20 different consent forms at the hospital giving permission for your information to be given out, I'm the LEAST of your worries... And yes he did sign a consent and set up an appointment for me to be in the room.

Okay enough bitching about work, it was a really good weekend and there is more to tell. A tragic and sad story about someone I ran into this weekend and my trip to the club - that ROCKED!!!