Saturday, July 22, 2006

I HEART WalMart!

Where else am I going to see a baby with a spiked mohawk in the middle of the day?

Where else am I going to have a woman with 5 bratty kids glare at me because one of my children dared walk in front of her basket?

Where else am I going to end up boxed in by old people while looking for migraine medicine?

Where else am I going to be able to get Kool-aid AND poison and only have to be approved to by the BATHROOM CLEANER? (Jim Jones eat your heart out.)

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Summer Vacation…

With summer vacation coming to an end soon, people keep asking me “So, how are you liking summer vacation?” I know they THINK they are being funny, but in reality they are just ASKING for me to remove their still beating heart with a very dull spoon and show it to them before throwing their lifeless body off an over pass. Really, they are.

Back in May as summer vacation quickly approached I had delirious hopes of schedules and crafts and play dates and fun adventures. Towards the end of May I was back in the REAL world, dreading the start of summer vacation just like all the other parents. I’m not sure why I thought it would be dreamy and fantastic when the two week Winter Insanity break usually leaves me needing a 12 step program by day 3. At that point I made a half-hearted attempt to find summer activities to sign up my offspring for and to give me some much needed peace and quiet. Sadly all the day labor places refuse to take them based on age and lack of experience and all the child labor places were already full up with Cathy Lee’s work force. Damn it. I was even willing to forfeit their ‘generous’ pay in lieu of having to pack them a lunch every day.

I realized that I was now going to be forced to entertain my own children for the whole fucking summer. At that point I could see a Betty Ford Treatment center vacation for me in August. Luckily things have turned out much better than anticipated. I haven’t had the urge every day to drink an entire bottle of vodka for breakfast (I try to keep that just for special occasions or 3 times a week, whatever comes first) and I stopped gun and ammo shopping online after the 3rd week. I’ve also almost completely stopped waking up screaming at nights.

This summer has afforded my offspring many exciting challenges and adventures and has taught me that occasionally I’m much more patient than I ever thought. It’s been educational for my progeny, though not in the ways I had anticipated.

The first wonderful incident… er… um... adventure, was the painting project for my grandmother’s 75th birthday. D and I spent a whole fucking week crouched over a tiny table full of paint bottles and glitter as the offspring occasionally painted with us but mostly just made messes and watched DVD’s. Very educational also, they learned that hard work pays off and as long as mommy is busy they can watch as many DVD’s as they want and probably eat all of the popsicles before mom notices.

Next was the fabulous day trip to Burnett to spend time with family and celebrate the grandmother’s 75th birthday. Dear gawd make it stop! The offspring got to spend time with some cousins they never get to see and mommy got to down 5 vodka tonics and 2 shots of premium vodka and still wouldn’t let them have a whole Coke to drink. What did they learn? Aunt D can’t always talk her way out of a ticket, Grandma has scary psychotic dogs, Grandpa talks a lot and drinks a lot, mommy drinks a lot around family and HOLY FUCK the spiders are HUGE out there!

And the next week was Help A Sista’ Out week! That was the week I got to help D move from one apartment to the next. Yeah that was great. What did they learn? Mommy is a bitch and orders everyone around.

The next week was take a little break week and let’s clean this fucking apartment week. During that week their room was completely cleaned through forced slave labor of my own offspring. Let me just tell you. They hated every minute of it. What did they learn? Not only is mommy a bitch who orders everyone around, but so is Aunt D!

Interspersed with all this exciting adventure has been dog watching (YAY Coco!), swimming, camping and tubing, many days of being grounded, steaming cleaning the carpet, walks in the park, 100 million questions a day (at least half the same damn question), a birthday party complete with bad pizza and good rides and the daily counting of the days until school starts (by me) and daily fights between the offspring. Hey, I never said this was the happiest place on earth did I?

Things I’ve learned for next year:

• I need to start on antidepressants about a month before school ends… if not within days of school starting.

• I need to sign up the kids for summer activities sooner than the middle of MAY.

• I really need to secure ‘vacation’ time for the kids with some foolish family member for next summer – I really REALLY miss them being gone for a week to visit Grandma (damn the luck that my grandmother would be in declining health now that she’s 75, that’s very inconsiderate of her ya know).

• I need to start on antidepressants sooner… on did I already mention that… hmmm... go figure.

• My kids will NEVER stop having NAP time. I don’t care if they are 30; I’m still putting them down for a nap every day.

Seriously, it hasn’t been horrible; though I am SOOO looking forward to the start of school it’s almost criminal.

Must run, gotta start on that second bottle of Vodka before they wake from naps.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Random Shit

85 % of all life on this planet is plankton… I think I’m plankton.

US to scale back mad cow surveillance program” That headline just gave me the giggles as I thought of CIA men standing in pastures among the cows radioing back and forth to each other “Everything looks good here”.

Living Will

Last night I tried to escape my family by sneaking off to the bathroom to sit in a bath and read. My escape attempts were thwarted by my offspring who found me and decided that I needed constant and talkative companionship. (now earlier that morning the progeny had deemed my bathroom off limits as they saw a BIG BUG in there, so I THOUGHT the imminent threat of a BIG BUG would deter them.) First up was Super Girl who had to ask me if I was afraid of the BIG BUG (no), what would I do if the BIG BUG got into my bath (scream), that she was afraid of the BIG BUG (no kidding) but was going to sit on the toilet seat and chat with me anyway (darn). THEN she started up with ‘When you die, can I have your…’ I stopped her and asked her WHY she was asking that and she just asked it again. I decided not to give her any incentive to bump me off so soon so I told her that when she was a grown up she could buy one for herself and to not get any ideas. Next thing you know Cabbage Patch is in the bathroom and she’s wondering if she can take a bath with me (NO!) then she wants to know if I’m reading (trying to, now leave). I finally did convince them to leave about the time my bath was getting cold. *sigh* Today out of the blue Cabbage Patch pointed to something and started in with the “When you die, can I have your…” I just stopped and looked at her then asked if she was planning to kill me soon. So people, if I die in a suspicious play-doh accident in the near future, you’ll know why!

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Insanity Thy Name Is Family
Crazy things people say to me

"You know daddy'd be all pissed if he thought there was some crippled clown I was making fun of."