Saturday, October 08, 2005

Cock Hungry Co-eds

Last night I went to SCREAMS with friends. It rocked! I mean I didn't get scared in any of the haunted houses, etc., BUT it was sooooooo freaking entertaining to watch Shaz! Shaz was freaked out by SOMETHING in every house or maze. My stomach hurts from laughing so long. Now I'm so very, very disappointed that I could not talk D into going with me! She gets so freaked out by haunted houses and fuck that would have been so damn funny to have HER AND SHAZ freaked out.

Other things...

You people... I think ya'll are more obsessed about DVD Guy than I am (probably not but it sounds good for now). Sable weighed in on the 'grab the crotch' debate and voted for me to NOT grab. Let me just tell you now, it's not likely that I'll grab the crotch... Just not with this guy. SUBTLE, ya know. I'm such a chicken shit I probably won't do a fucking thing about DVD guy.

What else was funny was when Captain John said that The Wife was sitting at the bar drinking and had said that her last drink would be to DVD Guy! HAHAHAHAHA! Apparently several people are trying to figure out WHO DVD Guy is. Well you know what? I'm not going to tell! Hell even if I do make a move on this guy (which is unlikely considering my CHICKEN SHIT factor is VERY high on this subject matter these days) I probably won't tell anyone! Or maybe I will. Who knows. You people are killing me!

Moving on...

Gawd, I could just die. In every room I go in today, everyone is watching the GAME. ICK. I'm so not a football fan. BORING. A significant amount of nurses here at the hospital are wearing scrubs in 'school colors' - vomit. But whatever.

Something different...

Now this is just a puzzling thing. Today whilst waiting for the light to turn green and usher me on to the next stop up ahead, the guy in the snazzy little car next to me was looking at me and smiling at me. While it is very flattering to have some cute stranger (and he was very cute) give me the look, it's somewhat pointless when we are in cars, separated by locked doors and windows. I sped off when the light turned green (I was running late). So WHAT IS the point of flirting with someone in another car??? Just to give them an ego boost? Or are there people who will chase down someone in the car just to get their number? Sounds crazy. Maybe next time instead of just smiling nicely before going back to singing along to my Janice Joplin CD I should just roll my eyes all ghetto style and stick my hand up in the universal "talk to the hand" signal.

Stupid people

Today I overhead one of the nurses in a conversation with someone arguing that ducks can NOT go underwater as they will drown. I had to shake my head at her and tell her that wasn't true. In the time I've lived next to the lake and taken my offspring to FEED the DUCKS, I have on MOST occasions watched ducks dive under the water only to bob back up to the surface unharmed. I've even seen them go under in one area only to pop up a couple of feet away from where they were. Unfortunately I didn't get a chance to explain that to this idiot nurse as I had an appointment to go to.

Okay, back to work for me now.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Teenage Mutant Ninja Dildoes

I almost forgot this... D totally freaked me out when we went to the fair. As we were giving our tickets to the ticket taker person she said "And you have a great day too Rhonda." The girl looked all surprised and said "How did you know my name is Rhonda?" and D said "you just look like a Rhonda." As this was going on, I just smiled and looked to see if Rhonda had a name tag, but she didn't. As we walked away I whispered to D "How'd you know her name was Rhonda?" and she said "She just looked like a Rhonda." We went back and forth for a few minutes before I got it that she DIDN'T read or hear her name on anything but just thought she LOOKED like a Rhonda. It was weird. Now if only she can fine tune that skill to lottery numbers!

How to charm me until I melt...

Fall asleep on the floor with your head on a big stuffed Simba while watching Chicken Run and before you finish your lunch of deviled eggs.

How to irritate me enough to make my head expode...

Wake up from cuteness being SUPER WHINY! Damn! where is my duct tape!
Hot Pussy, Crazy For Toys!

The other day while shopping with D we found THIS cat toy and both of us almost fell on the floor laughing.

Dog In Drag


I only wish I had made that up!

Pussy Lick

How's that for some hot pussy licking action??
Deep Oral Girls

You people, *tisk* *tisk* *tisk* I am shocked that my situation with DVD Guy has gotten so much attention. The hits on my site DOUBLED yesterday! DOUBLED! AND the suggestions on what to do to bag DVD Guy, well they doubled also (perverts, most of you are still stuck on me grabbing this guys cock... but, ya know... the more I hear it, the more I like that one).

My dear, recently sheared friend Mike called last night under the guise of just chatting but really just to see if he could guess who DVD Guy is. He guessed it was Mansicle Neighbor and I told him NO, if it HAD of been Mansicle Neighbor I would have been over there to borrow a cup of cock LONG before now... that is if he DIDN'T have a freaking wife (one who was just waiting to hear of her start date for the FBI so you know this woman knows of at least 600 ways that she could kill me with a popsicle stick). But NO it's not Mansicle Neighbor (damn it!). Mike kindly offered to go tell DVD Guy if I needed him to. hehehe... I'm considering it. ;o)
Of course he's the only person not suggesting I grab DVD Guy's cock but he did say that since DVD Guy is a GUY he's utterly oblivious and I'm going to have to actually do something. *sigh* Then he said some shit about how cute it was that I got all tongue tied over this guy. Yeah, whatever.


Yesterday I had this conversation with Cabbage Patch:

ME: You need to get dressed.
Her: Nooooooooooooo! I wanna stay NAKED! (runs around in circles)
ME: Well you could at least turn your underware around so it's not on backwards.
Her: Nooooooo! I NAKED! (runs upstairs flapping like a bird)

The naked thing was in the afternoon after a morning of her wearing a cheesy cheap Halloween Princess costume complete with a crown.

Oh, and the title.. it obviously has nothing to do with this post. It's the title of some porn movie, I think I'll use porn titles for my posts titles for a while.

Anyway, I need to go drink several more cups of coffee.
Quiz Shit!

Congratulations! You scored 54%!
Equally heterosexual and Homosexual. You are one of the few people who could be truely bisexual. Most people who are bisexual tend to lean more towards the men or the women. You could also consider yourself pansexual. Yay for equality.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 67% on PrefPoints
Link: The How gay or straight are you? Test written by PunkRockBitch on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Hmmm... K i don't think that's gonna qualify you for the toaster oven.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Random Photos From the Fair

Now, Everyone Together, HELL!

The Little People really were thinking it was HELL by that time. The line just WASN'T MOVING!

Did Someone Say Heifer?


I Don't Think That's The Way To Oz!

D! I said ASK for directions from the Scarcrow! You are going to get us throw out of OZ!

Hanging With Some Bears Who Aren't Their Daddy and His Boyfriend!

Not sure what's up with the EVIL ORANGE cast of the photos, but it's COOL!

Just Shoot Me Now!

I think that's what she actually said! hehe...

What The Hell???

THis is the elevator thingie at the train station.
DVD Guy Update

I figured that I should just post about this since it’s THE question to be asked lately. Everybody wants to know what’s up with that… or really what’s wrong with me and why can’t I just ask this guy out. The answer to all the questions is the same I AM A WORLD CLASS DORK!!! If you have EVER had a doubt, please doubt no more.

That’s it, that’s all it is. I am such a dork. I completely lost my conversation item when I returned the DVD’s and didn’t borrow more. NOW for some jacked up reason I can’t just call and ask to borrow more or for GAWD SAKES just ASK this man out to coffee and a blow job. Kidding, just kidding about that – I’d just ask about the coffee. So now… nothing. I have no clue what to do. I’ve had several suggestions from many many people, most involve me asking him out to coffee or something and me grabbing his crotch. Let me correct that, MOST suggest that I ask him out to coffee and ALL have suggested I grab his crotch. What’s up with that? Did I not tell you people earlier that I’m trying to be SUBTLE? And how exactly is my hand groping his cock subtle? I have to agree that it WOULD get the message that I’m interested conveyed to this man rather quickly, but it’s not SUBTLE. Not in the least. And I know NOT SUBTLE because that is exactly how I usually am.

So what’s my problem this time? I generally don’t have a problem telling a man that I find him attractive enough that I need to carry extra undies to change into when I know he’ll be around, but I can’t tell this guy I’d like to go out with him. I’ve lost my freaking mind, that’s all. I get close to telling him and then I just clam up. My palms get all sweaty and I start to babble about stupid shit (which really is not so different from a normal conversation with me, I think I just talk faster and look nervous this time). Then, then, this is the worst part, my fucking brain shuts off and I have nothing to say! And there’s an AKWARD silence that leads to me finally saying something inane and off track like asking about the weather for GAWD sakes or asking about his DAMN PET!!! HIS DAMN PET!!! How STOOPID can I get?? (don’t answer that, it’s just a rhetorical question) You have no idea how many times I’ve gotten thisclose to asking DVD Guy out (asking out or propositioning). I find this whole situation as unbelievable and ridiculous as many of you do. I’m not a shy person, I don’t have issues with approaching people, I have been known to discuss my preference for electronic sexual aids and have been known on more than one occasion to have a vibrator in my purse! Hell I’ve even taken a BOB for payment before.

So yeah, I’m a CHICKEN SHIT. Here’s my final move, here on the blog – DVD Guy, I’d like to know if it’s okay if I come over to borrow some DVD’s, we can have some coffee and I’ll grab your crotch. Don’t worry I’ll bring the party favors, I just got a box of 36 condoms and case of batteries, I’d like to run through at least of half of both before the weekend is up. So what do you say? And don’t worry if you don’t really like coffee, we can work around that.

Yes, that is LAME, YES that is just SUPER DORKY, YES I SUCK (did you read that DVD Guy?). Nope, he doesn’t read the blog, at least I don’t think he does. I’m just going to have to let this one go for now.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

How To Charm The Hell Out Of Me

Just state the obvious*

Her: Hey mom.
Me: Hmmm?
Her: The cat throwed up.
Me: hmmm.
Her: That's not good.
Me: heh, true.

* this only works for 4 year olds.
From The 'Ain't That A Bitch' File

The cooling fan on my desktop PC (the one I use the most)is dieing. It will work for a bit then it stops and the alarm on the computer goes off, so I have to turn it off and restarts... or just go to Lappy (lap top)which is okay for the most part except that I've managed to misplace my wireless mouse for Lappy (the battery died and I replaced it, now it's gone... probaby in the sofa cushion or something).

something else...

The stupid kids toys at Whataburger are absolutly stupid right now (I don't get this shit for the Tiny Terrorists, but their father does in leiu of actual cooking). They are little orange or blue cones that look like trafic cones. Small kid sized trafic cones. I'd like to know who sat down and said "Ya know, I bet kids would LOVE to play with little bitty trafic cones!" Someone in their coporate offices needs to put the crack pipe down.

More something else...

Cabbage Patch is watching Elmo's World (i.e. the most irritating show on the planet at this moment) and she just gasped and said "Elmo said a bad word!" when I asked what he said (because I was imagining that maybe that little red monster accidentally let the F-bomb drop and I needed to rewind the tape, she said that he said 'sit down'. I swear I did not smoke crack when I was pregnant with her!

That's all for now.. I need to do the dishes since it's apparent that my maid has either died or abandoned me.
Insert Witty Title Here

Damn I’ve been busy… and not so busy, but just away from the freaking computer. So here’s a quick recap of my weekend in random order.

I’ve already talked about the trip to the club with Porn Star, so… go re-read that post if you need it.

Operation DVD is just an absolute BUST. I shall re-name it to Operation Judy Is A Chicken Shit. I returned the DVD’s with the intent of borrowing more and doing a little flirting then borrowing more just so I’d have an excuse to go over there. What I did was return the DVD’s and babble like an IDIOT and THEN be too much of a chicken shit to borrow more or to even flirt. I might as well have stuck my finger up my nose and drooled down my chin, I was being such a ‘Tard. The next day I was discussing it all with K and saying how it was giving me bad déjà vu to early high school days and having a crush on a certain guy and that in light of that I probably needed to have one of my girl friends go up and tell DVD guy that I ‘like’ him or better yet, I need to write his name encircled with a heart on my book cover then giggle and blush if he sees it. Tonight a guy friend of mine suggested that I take a direct approach and ask the guy out to lunch then slip my hand in his lap to ‘check out the package’, when I suggested that I ask him to lunch then slip my panties into his lap he told me that was far to subtle and would get me nowhere. Hehehe… I know he’s right! I’ve done the hand in the lap thing before (and it’s worked just fine), but I just CAN’T do that with DVD guy! I mean doing it on a date just moves things along a little quicker – it’s a great way to skip boring conversation and get right to the naked twister game – and it’s easy to do then, I mean if I’m on a date, I kind of KNOW that this guy is INTO me and baring a serious case of morals and ethics, his purpose is the naked twister game. I’m just not sure with DVD guy, he may not want to play naked twister with me (as hard as that is to believe) and he might just be OFFENDED by my blatant and unabashed groping. Then again, he might just be a GUY and he hasn’t yet figured out that I’m HITTING on him (albeit in a VERY VERY LAME way). Maybe I just need to give him a shake and say “Why the HELL do you think I keep wearing low cut shirts over here? It’s not like I display my boobicles for just EVERYONE!” Okay, that’s a lie, I do display the boobage whenever I can, but I wouldn’t go through the trouble to make sure one of my low cut slutty club shirts was clean every time I was over there. Eh, I’m so lame.

The State Fair was soooo much fun. The Tiny Terrorists were NOT happy with the wait (2 + hours) to see Paul Teutles Sr. and his boys. He’s so hot. I’m surprised D didn’t need to wear a Depends she was so hot for him. She did buy me a most excellent red OCC tank top to wear and I must say, I was looking pretty slutty in it. Oh yeah! I got a photo of me leaning over the table towards Paul Teutles Jr. but poor D did not as I’m truly a ‘tard and didn’t realize her camera was OFF. I’m so sorry D.

Jewish New Year

Woohoo! It’s here. Monday night ushered in the first night of Rosh Hashanah. Unlike last year, I didn’t do a whole lot of cooking in preparation and instead spent Monday at the fair with D and the kids. It rocked!
DayQuil Sucks!
This morning I started to have a sinus headache and took some DayQuil only to be smacked down and knocked out. That shit put me to SLEEP. I’m thankful that Cabbage Patch is such a good child as to just watch a movie and play with her Polly Pockets while I was asleep on the couch like some crack whore sleeping it off after a hard night. Damn that sucked!
Speaking of sleeping, I need to go do that now.

*double posting fixed now, hell I figured if ya'll liked reading it once, you'd love it the second time around!