Saturday, February 18, 2006

Because I'm Bored

And I steal things of La SEG's blog.

You Are 55% Addicted to Love

Might as well face it, you're addicted to love.
You've been a fool for love many times - but are you the wiser for it?
Your needs should come first, both in and out of relationships.
Because you're the only one who can look out for yourself!

You Are a Frappacino

At your best, you are: fun loving, sweet, and modern

At your worst, you are: childish and over indulgent

You drink coffee when: you're craving something sweet

Your caffeine addiction level: low

Of course I am a Frap - with Extra Whipped Cream

Your Heart Is Blue

Love is a doing word for you. You know it's love when you treat each other well.
You are a giving lover, but you don't give too much. You expect something in return.

Your flirting style: Friendly

Your lucky first date: Lunch at an outdoor cafe

Your dream lover: Is both generous and selfish

What you bring to relationships: Loyalty

You Are A Blueberry Martini

You are a eclectic drink - liking to change drinks and venues often.
You are usually the first of your friends to find a cool new dive bar or cocktail.

You should never: Drink mystery drinks strangers hand you. Unless you want to wind up in foreign country.

Your ideal party: Is mobile, hopping from party to party.

Your drinking soulmates: Those with an Orange Martini personality.

Your drinking rivals: Those with a Chocolate Martini personality.

Interview Answer

Just spoke to my manager and found out that I did not get the position as the VP felt that some who lived in the Arlington area would be a better match... that and she has some crazy notion of having someone show up at one of the hospitals in Arlinton at 7 am! yikes! No matter, she indicated that there is the possibility of them creating this position in the Dallas area soon. Also, still have the option of working more days and there is the homeshoring job I interviewed for yesterday. It will all work out.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Multi-tasking At It's Best

The Cure

So today I was having a discussion with A Friend who happened to mention that she was so thrilled that her homeopathic remedy that she had recently started taking. I asked her what she was taking and what it was for and then she became decidedly VAGUE about both. I pressed the subject as I'm an dick some days.

With much reluctance she told me that she was taking this stuff for a bad case of 'roids. To which my totally mature and adult side took a vacation and the juvenile idiot within started to LAUGH. Loudly. Then I asked her WHAT she was taking. She indicated she was taking the above pictured pills.

Hylands #1, Calc. Fluor. 6X, which is for (wait for it...)

Colds, Hemorrhoids and Chapped Skin

I almost peed on myself laughing! Talking about a multi-symptom elixer! My friend didn't understand what I found so damn funny and I told her that at no time had I ever read on the back of Nyquil to slap some of that on my ass to take care of my 'roids or to rub any of it on my dry skin! Damn! How do you MARKET that??? AND WHO decided to put all that together to make a sale? Some guy with a bad cold, sore as and flaky skin? How did he make the connection? "Hey, I just started taking these pills and hmmmm... my cough is better, my ass doesn't hurt and my skin is now nice and supple! I need to sell that!"


Love the indications:
Relief of symptoms of cold with thick, greenish discharge. Relieves the symptoms of itching and BURNING PAINS due to hemorroids. Relieves the symptoms of chapped and cracked skin.

My friend thinks I'm a bitch now (she's right) but she DID take the above photos for me because deep down she knows this shit is funny.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Throw Me Some Luck, Why Don’t Ya?

At 3:45 pm today I’ll be interviewing for a management position with the company I work for. After working for this company for 4.5 years I never expected this and honestly have said before that I’d NEVER, EVER take a management position with them. What a fucking liar I am!

The position is 4 days a week taking photos at various hospitals – I would travel to whatever hospital needed coverage – and one day of recruiting/interviewing for this particular hospital system. The best part is that it’s a 40 hour a week job and I’d have the flexibility to have some weekends off. 40 hours a week, base hourly pay + commission + benefits… it’s a no brainer.

My chances of getting the job are EXCELENT, my manager practically BEGGED me to interview with the district manager. I’m panicking over some of the other things I have to worry about – child care & car situation mostly. What fun! But I’m excited and NERVOUS.

So… throw me some good vibes – I haven’t interviewed in 4.5 years!
Valentine's Left Overs

Since I've consumed all of the left over candy in my 'celebrating' last night (chill it was only 4 pieces), all I'm left with is some links for you.

Probably the BEST photo EVER!

The BEST Valentine EVER! (this one would be for my Valentine if it weren't BOB)
Or maybe THIS one. Just kidding! I turned off the hidden cameras in your home days ago!

Of course THIS one is probably more true than I care to believe.
Luckily (or just pathetically) THIS one is true.

Ahhh but a more true statement could not be said than THIS.
(check out all of the fabulous Anti Valentine Cards here.)

So now that we've gotten V-Day out of the way it's time to start planning for March 14th! Steak and BJ Day! I'm here to help anyone in the planning or implementation of this day - ladies if you need any HELP, Let me know, I would be glad to help out in this area. Guys, if you want to share this 'special' day with me, well send me a note (I have a careful screening process for this!). Mark your calenders everyone! No one wants to be caught with their pants down on March 14th!... or... well... okay, I guess they do... whatever.

Okay, that's all for now. I must go do something with the crazy circus midget I call my child and get a shower before calling to BEG my father in law to do a favor for me.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006


DO NOT EAT the chocolates with the green filling or the pink filling! Ewww.. Who the hell thought that someone should put green lime flavored goo in chocolate? Or worse pink goo that smells vaguely like strawberries but tastes a lot like that nasty pink liquid medicine given to kids. It's vile.

End of public service announcement.
Candy Stalker Letter

A couple of years ago as my sister and I sat around contemplating the candy hearts (ew) and the idiotic messages on them, we realized that the messages were rather bizarre and stalkerish. More discussion followed and it was decided that we would use the message hearts to compose a stalker letter to the man I was interested in at the time (Let’s just call him Minute Man… and not because he did historical reenactments… but because it’s some how kinder than calling him Little Richard *ahem* Think about it, it will come to you… another word for little… another name for Richard). After much laughter and a fine tipped ink pen, we pieced together this work of art:

Dear One (fill in name here);
I will kill one of us (you), if you don’t return my love. I love you. Sure love. Be True. Romeo.
We are meant to be, you and me. I heart you. Call me. IM me. Hug me. At least Write me. What’s Up? I have a gun and a halogen high beam. If I can’t have you Romeo, no one else can. It’s true. Love you. Love Me. Let it be. Be good. Love me. I will look for you. To remember you love me. Marry me. You are all mine Romeo. Ask me (blurred from here). Love me. PS. I’m pregnant and (blurred). One love. It’s yours. If you don’t have a will, you better get one.

Love, Me

Luckily I never did send that letter and no one ate the hearts. Still it’s a fabulous craft to do with those nasty tasting too hard to eat message hearts.

My favorite time of the day. NAP time. Not for me! For Cabbage Patch! Nap time for her! She NEEDS a nap. Or rather, I NEED her to nap. I need her to nap for the next two hours so I can fold that monstrous pile of clothing that is threatening to consume the love seat it is perched upon.* Everyone should love nap time. World peace could probably occur if NAP TIME was mandated for EVERYONE. Okay, enough.

*I kid, about that. I wouldn't really fold those clothes!

PS - her new stalling tactic is to stand here and say "That was only a SNACK." about her lunch. Yeah right kid, I know you aren't going to EAT! Go to sleep before I have to get out the tranquilzer darts again!
Children Are Mental Illness

I ask her if she wants lunch and she declines, then when I tell her it’s time for naps she looks at me shocked and says “But MOM, I haven’t had LUNCH YET?” What? 2 minutes prior she was basically telling me to stuff myself about lunch and now it’s all important.

I make lunch (gourmet packet of ramen noodles) and when she is informed that she has to EAT and can’t play on the computer any more, the rain starts. Thunder and lightening! A storm of epic proportions! The gnashing of teeth and stomping of feet. Up the stairs, into the bed room. I can hear her still wailing and yelling to the stuffed animals and dust balls about how she just wants to play the game! Oh the torture! Oh the humanity! How cruel I am!

For 5 minutes. Then the storm subsides as suddenly as it began. Down the stairs she comes, peering at me disapprovingly. I smirk, it’s funny to me. ‘Lunch!’ I say and she walks to the bowl of noodles going cold. Then it starts. “Mooooooooom. I didn’t want you to take a bite!” (yes, yes I did, I took a freaking bite of noodles while she was busy having a mental collapse over not playing the damn game, she didn’t even see me do it!) I ignore her. She persists walking right up to me and making sure I am looking RIGHT AT her and says “I didn’t want you to take a bite!” I laugh, but I’m prone to inappropriate laughter at times. She storms off to the kitchen and stands on the stool with her hands on her hips, me following with the bowl of noodles. “I didn’t want you to take a bite!” I finally say “Okay, I’m sorry, I took a bite. Do you want it in a pink bowl?” “I’m angry at you!” “Oh really, was that all the screaming about? Do you want them in a pink bowl?” stoic silence as she turns to leave the kitchen. “A pink bowl with a pretty pink fork!” Her eyes light up as she takes the bowl and goes to the table to eat lunch.

The temporary insanity has passed… for the moment. Dinner time may bring a relapse… or psychoactive drugs. Whatever.
Challenges Of LIFE

LIFE with a 4 year old goes something like this:

Her: Okay mamma, I set it up. This my car, and this your car. Look you got a husband!
Me: Oh that’s great. Your car is awfully full *pointing to blue car full of pink pegs*.
Her: I gots friends.
Me: That’s always nice. I’m not driving a green car. *Putting pegs into red car and dropping the two pink ‘kid’ pegs*
Her: AHHHHH! You dropped me!
Me: No it’s fine. See you are in now? Besides, THAT’S your car. Who goes first?
Her: Ummmmm… I go this way and you go that way.
Me: Okay, but who goes first?
Her: Ummmmm… I do… No, you go.
Me: Okay, I’ll spin.
*click* *click* *click* *click*
Me: 7… 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…
Her: *echoing my counting until suddenly* No! Stop! You gotta stop! It’s a red light!
Me: Okay fine. It’s your turn.
Her: *click**click**click* 8!
Me: 4
Her: 1, 2, 4, 7, 5, 9!
Me: no, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…
Her: *car stopping noise* I gotta stop, red light!
Me: Mmmmmhmmm… *spinning* *click**click* *click* 5.
Her: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! You fell out the car!
Me: It’s okay, see? Back in the car.
Her: *spinning* *click* *click* *spinning again* *click* *click* *click*
Me: No, no, only spin once. Once. No.. stop.
Her: *finally stopping when I put my hand on the spinner* 4!
Me: Yes! 4!
Her: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6..
Me: Uh, no… just 4… let’s go back.
Her: No! I supposed to be on dat road.
Me: No, this one.
Her: No, DAT road. *saying it slow as if I’m too stupid to understand*
Me: Fine whatever..
…later… at the end of the ‘GAME’…
Me: *spinning* *click* *click* *click* 7… 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7! I win!
Her: *spinning* *click* *click* 4! I win! (toward the beginning because she started going the other way on the road)
Her: Now we get cash money. *starts carefully pulling out random amounts of colorful play money, which by the way we hadn’t played with at all during the game.*

Looking For A Clock Tower and A Scope For My Rifle

Just kidding, today is a MUCH better day. No migraine. Still issues, but light at the end of the tunnel and I don’t think it’s a train today. The boy, still disinterested, but whatever – BOB still loves me. It’s all a waiting game really… not The Boy, just everything else really. I’ll be fine… I don’t even own a gun.

B-Day Girl

Yesterday Super Girl turned 7. Wow. 7. So now I get to bore you with her birth story – it’s tradition. Here goes: Dear gawd! 36 hours of labor to have a 9 lb 9 oz baby? 21 ½ inches long? No way! That’s almost a third of my height! Fucking 6’ 3” father, it’s all your fault. Shit! We are buying a dog next time I get that maternal instinct, this sucks! Awwww… look there’s my baby. Wow, she doesn’t look like an alien. We shall name her Super Girl and Super Girl shall be her name.

And THAT’s about it. More or less. If you want a more indepth (accurate) account, then search the archives, I’m sure I wrote about it in detail over one of the past 7 years.

Anyway, she had a happy b-day and there is to be a PARTY this Sunday (thank you The Wife and Captain John for the use of your house).


I MAY be changing my work status soon… Depends. My manager has approached me with an opportunity and I’ve discussed it with K as to whether it would be a good idea or not. Seems like it might. Don’t want to talk about it too much… Might JINX myself. Wish me luck!

Happy Valentines Day Bitches!

Just wanna wish all my friends a happy day and let you know that I want EACH and EVERY one of you to be my Valentine. *ahem* Not like that sicko, I mean it in a very NON sexual and friendly way that involves no mouth parts touching anyone's body parts (yes guys I know the perfect gift for a man is a BJ, but sorry it's not happening... unless of course you are that certain person I would give it to, but whatever... the rest of you, just back off).

As for me I'll probably be spending a special evening with my guy BOB. And a very Vibrating Valentines Day to you also.

ANd let's end this with an inappropriate for this day quiz... enjoy.

You scored as Bondage. Your turn on is bondage... all out. You don't have a specific part of kinky sex that turns you on more than any other... everything working together turns you on. And why shouldn't it? Sex isn't sex without all the trimmings.









Blind Folds




What's Your Kinky Turn On?
created with

Monday, February 13, 2006

This Is A Good Place For A Stick Up!

Yeah, that smell? That’s my life right now. Shity. I know it’ll get better, I know it will. I just am not enjoying coasting down shit creek with out a paddle at this moment. The smell is getting tiresome. And I know all my 3 loyal readers are quite tired of my bitch ass whining. I personally don’t blame you – I’m tired of it also! Somebody slap me already!

So I’m going to whine a bit about things, be very vague about the specifics as to protect the idiots (that would be me mainly) and then move on to some of the funny shit from the weekend.

Today we (K and I) had one of those “Gawd-damn it! Life just kicked me in the balls!” moments right off. Yeah wonderful. This on top of my horrendously expensive ticket a couple weeks back that I received compliments of Ft. Worth’s finest and our recent discovery that the IRS has generously delayed our much needed tax refund an extra 7 to 10 days (who wants to bet it will be 10 at the very least). So yeah, um.. Great, thanks Government! Is this your way of getting me back for contributing to the Democratic Party?? It was only $5! Come on! Give me a break!

Then of course there is the boy I’m interested in who’s not so interested in me, which is fine yet somewhat depressing. I haven’t really been interested in someone for more than just sex in a while so it is disappointing and harkens back to the traumatic days of high school and all the moments of unrequited affection. Good lord, aren’t I just a tad too old for this shit??? It’s cool it’s fine, he’s a great guy and being friends is good. I going to stop stalking him now, just let it go and remove all the hidden cameras from his home and disconnect the tracking device from his car. Friends, yeah just friends. No more stalking, I promise. Though I will still keep the boy in my rotation of men I fantasize about while abusing Bob. Come on; don’t look at me like that! Good masturbatory material that you don’t have to pay for is hard to come by! Besides, isn’t that really a compliment?

Oh yeah and I’ve got a migraine that is finally starting to ease up after a handful of pills, a cup of coffee and a hot shower. Which is good because I was starting to think I was about to give birth to an alien baby through my left sinus cavity. Whew, glad it was just false labor.

AND I have a zit on my nose. Yes, right on the end of my fucking nose. It’s lovely and super sexy let me tell you. Definitely something to contemplate while engaged in self love.

Okay… enough whine for now!

Shit from the weekend that made me laugh…

Texann (not her REAL name) and I were discussing a certain person’s boyfriend and how he’s the pickiest vegetarian known to man and how he pretty much only eats beans, rice, peanut butter and cheese. Texann decided that he should be called The Refugee since he eats like a refugee. As she put it “Isn’t that what we feed to the refugees? Rice and beans?”

Some guy offered Texann $10 to grab another guy’s ass and she did it. He didn’t pay up though. She said she almost told the cute guy who offered her the $10 that he’d have to let her grab his ass as payment since he didn’t give her the $10. She should have.

The Sexy Witch and I were being complete dorks and thought it would be funny if we used ‘offended’ for aroused and vice versa. It was quite funny at the time, but I’m sure it sounds like we were being primo ‘tards now. Yeah, we were, but what the fuck.
The Sexy Witch, Texann and I decided that the perfect Single Girl (as in no man in the picture) Valentine’s bouquet would be roses with a pack of batteries with a note signed ‘Love Bob’.

The creepy homeless guy who was hitting Texann and me up for money as we arrived at Ben’s. His only saving grace was that he started out the conversation by telling us how BEAUTIFUL we were.

Okay that’s all for now, I can’t fucking remember anything else for now.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

The Attack Of The Angry Poodle Hair!

That would describe my hair today, a bad title to a bad B grade horror flick. No one famous would star in it, just maybe a couple of sad, dried up former child stars briefly out of rehab long enough to do one shooting and no scene reshoots because they’ll be back in rehab. Maybe I could get the Corey’s from the 80’s, it’s not like they are doing anything these days. Except maybe working at a local Burger King and checking in regularly with a probation officer. But I digress… as usual.

This morning I decided to enjoy the peace and solitude of being totally alone in my home in my room in my comfee and clean (sheets, comforter, pillow cases, pillows, everything sanitized) bed and didn’t get up until 8 am. I washed my hair as I didn’t want the nasty cigarette stink from the bar to linger with me all day and put in my BRAND NEW hair stuff that’s actually some stuff I used to use but lost track of because they changed the packaging and then the store I used to buy it in stopped carrying but not really they just MOVED it because it had a new bottle and I didn’t realize it because I don’t always pay that close attention to stuff like that… Can we say ADD??? Anyway, I found it again, but didn’t realize it was IT until I looked closely at the bottle of de-frizzing shine stuff and realized it was THE BRAND I love, so I bought two bottles and vowed to go back and buy the other 998 bottles to stash under my sink for a rainy day (which is when my hair usually frizzes the worst) . So um.. yeah… back to what I was saying…

I get breakfast and coffee and get on the computer to waste some time while I let my hair dry for a bit, then get slightly bent because someone makes a comment to me that’s not exactly what I want to hear but what the fuck ever, I don’t control the universe otherwise brown cows would give chocolate milk and the black and white ones would give coffee with cream. But yeah, bad mood because I’m a baby, no other reason. Because it’s COLD outside I decide to blow dry my hair which is a total and complete mistake as my hair has taken on double it’s normal volume. I have ENORMOUS hair and it’s making me look like a giant angry red poodle. Fuck, somebody throw me a bone!

Off to work which is just fine at the first hospital giving me a false sense of security for the rest of my work day. I get to the hospital and have more discharges than I anticipated because some people are stupid and can’t mark a chart correctly. Whatever. I dash out and take one set of photos – PERFECT. Go to the next – decline. The next I go to take the fucking camera won’t focus. At all. I spend an extra hour in this person’s room trying to get it to work and it won’t. The shots are perfect until you blow them up to see the detail and they are fuzzy. DAMN. I call my manager and get her voice mail, I call the other photographer and get her voice mail also. Oh and I got a call from one of the other photographers at one of my other hospitals and THAT whole system is broken so worky-worky for me. Damn.

So yeah, crappy day… and I’m totally out of CAKE! Well I’m going to go take a nap now and hope the rest of the day doesn’t SUCK (although it probably will).
All Hail The Princess!

Bow down Bitches!

hehe... I wore a tiara last night! So did a lot of guys also... hmmm... I didn't think I was at a drag bar.