Friday, December 31, 2004

I'm An Animal

I just took this test (what's your inner animal) on Tickle.

Judy, you're a Tiger in the wild world of love.

Grrrr. Go get 'em, Tiger! You know what you want and how to get it. And with your powerful stealth and impressive attitude — who are we to tell you otherwise? You're a natural predator in the lush jungle of love. With plenty of poise, power, and perfect timing, you'll charm the pants off any target you set your sights on. You've got beauty and grace that's irresistible to most who cross your path. Your territory is so well marked, it's not surprising that you sometimes can be a bit of a loner instead of hanging with the pack.

Sophisticated and discriminating, you set your standards high when out hunting for love. Trendy new hot spots are probably your typical habitat — though any place you can find sleek, beautiful mates is good in your book. Your confidence and charm will certainly get your partner purring. And whether it's your bold patterns or the stealthy way you pounce, there's just something people can't resist about you.

heh... funny, no wonder I like meat so much. ;o)

Thursday, December 30, 2004

What The Hell Is Wrong With Me???
Don't answer that, don't make me bitch slap you!

Sheesh, I've been so side tracked this morning I just realized I haven't had a cup of coffee yet! *wanders off to make a delightful cup*

*45 minutes later*
I think I'm ready for my second cup now. It's a crazy morning. I think Super Girl senses that her winter break is nearing the end so it's necessary to be as crazy as possible.

Fuck, this has taken me over 2 hours to write this much... Will have to try again later.
what's this?

Why it's Spider Man! At least that's what Cabbage Patch swears. Who am I to argue with her artistic interpretations?

My cats are being tolerant of me. My camera batteries are fully charges - all ready for the New Years Eve party.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Handfull of Rodents

My rodents are cohabitating now. It happened last Friday. It had to happen as Hanta had chewed an escape hole in her tiny cage. Well let me start from the beginning to tell the whole all to damn cute and sickeningly sweet story. I got up about 9:30 am or so as K was off work and he said I could sleep in and he'd keep the Tiny Terrorists busy while I slept. An offer to sleep in is RARE so I took him up on it and directed Chaos and Destruction upstairs to wake him when they burst into my room at 7:30 am.

When I finally awoke to a oddly quiet home, I found my newest gerbil in the gerbil ball on the living room floor. I instantly started making plans on how to inflict unbelievable suffering on K if he had left my gerbil in the ball and he'd left to meet with his friends. I got Hanta out of the ball and put her in her cage. After putting the gerbil ball away I turned to discover Hanta's head peeking out of the cage. Oh! My mental list of suffering was put on hold as I pondered what to do next. Hanta was now standing on her cage sniffing Bea's cage. I decided it was time to see if the gerbils would get along. I highly anticipated another gerbil death match and didn't get my camera but did prepare to separate tiny rodents. I opened Bea's cage and Hanta imediately walked in, Bea met her and to my surprise she licked her instead of tried to tear her little head off. Since that moment there has been much cute gerbil love and gerbil cuddling. Bea follows Hanta around a lot and they snuggle together in the nest. It's very cute.

Oh and I didn't get to finish my list of mysery for K as he walked the door just a few moments after I had shut the cage of gerbil love. When he discovered Hanta's escape hatch he had hightailed it to Petsmart to get a new cage and some connecting tubing as he thought the gerbils weren't prepared for cohabitation yet. Alls well that ends well.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Pity Party

Warning, you are about to enter my pity party, guaranteed to be absolutly selfserving and self centered.

Have you ever felt desperately alone? Do you remember what it was like to feel like you weren't part of any group in high school? Feel like maybe the only reason you were invited along was out of pity? Yeah that's where I'm at right now. I'm feeling acutely isolated. I really hate that.

I feel like some people who were very close to me are pulling away, wanting me to disapear from their lives. Just not calling when they said they would, not talking to me much anymore... I guess I'm easy to forget or annoying enough to want to forget.

I'm trying to make more friends, but even there I'm not sure I'm doing so well. I don't really think certain people really like me all that much. I think I try to hard and come off as desperate - I think that's probably true in all areas of my life. I had friends I would talk to all the time, every day and late into the night. Now I'm lucky if they answer me when I message them. Maybe I should just stop trying. Just give everyone what they want and leave them the hell alone.

I'm not sure why I'm going through this right now. I haven't felt this way since high school and now this is so foreign yet so familiar. Part of me says "fuck it, i'll go be a hermit. If people want me they'll let me know, just give up." the other part of me wholeheartedly disagrees and says to keep trying, but I'm not sure I'm up for more rejection. I don't know why I feel so alone and friendless, I think I'm a nice enough person, I bathe regularly, I don't think I'm frightening looking, I don't know, maybe I'm just not good enough.

That's my bigest fear in life, that I'm not good enough. Maybe I'm just not good enough to be anyone's friend, not good enough to be part of anything, my efforts just aren't good enough, my work is never good enough. I think that's it, I'm just not good enough. Alright then, I suppose I should start looking for a place to live out my life as a hermit and develop a love for owning multiple cats or dogs or something. Isolation is probably better than rejection.

No worries, I'm just really, really sad and lonely right now. I'll be fine tomorrow and I'll write some of my normal stupid things to entertain all 3 of you who read this blog.
Time To Prepare

Now that the December holidays are done, it's time to prepare for the most important day of the year. No not New Year day silly. Elvis' Birthday! Elvis Day!!!

January 8th marks the incredible day. Elvis Day! I do my damnedest to celebrate every year. I feel it is my duty as a white trash Southerner to make sure that my progeny learn about the great one, Elvis. So we celebrate Elvis Day. What other holiday involves eating as much fried food as one can humanly consume.... (hmmmm... wait... that's kind of like Hannukah... maybe... Elvis... was... a... JEW!! heh {actually some accounts of his druged out and paranoid end days include him converting to the Jewish faith}) Anyway, fried foods, sequined jumpsuits and Elvis movies! I'm petitioning for Elvis Day to become a national holiday. Why not? Elvis is as american as Velveeta cheese and monster trucks. There really needs to be a national holiday just for trailer trash redneck people. I urge you to join me in my celebration of ELVIS DAY - pull out your sequined jumpsuit and swing by KFC on your way home for that big bucket of extra cripsy (don't forget your sides of biscuits, taters and extra gravy!), head over to Blockbuster to rent your favorite Elvis Movies. Elvis Day is a day for family so everyone pile up on the couch to eat KFC, drink beer and watch as many movies as you can. *note: popping pills, shoting the TV and having heart attack on the toilet are not recommended optional activities - although they would add to the authenticity of the evening*

Mark your calendars! Elvis Day is 11 days away!

2004 Holiday Letter

Happy Holidays! As usual for the past few years I've been to freaking lame to mail out Chanukah/Christmas cards and tuck in a cute little holiday letter informing peeps of my year (hell just the delima of trying to decide which holiday to represent with the cards is enough to make me need a drink, best to just say to hell with it all and save the postage). Again as usual I'm doing it here on the blog. (I'm not sure I did do it last year, maybe... I know I did it at least one year). So here it is. Just pretend you got it in the mail.

Dear Friends and Family and Internet;

Wow what a year it has been! A Good year! Husband is still gay. Kids are good. Life is good. AND I met the most amazing man in the world and fell madly in love with him. Yup, that's the best part. After 2 years of seeing the same guy (Home Depot), we broke up abruptly at the begining of January. Thanks to D I met XXX a few weeks later and was instantly smitten. Really I was, the moment I saw him - despite me telling myself to get a GRIP, shit like this only happens in movies and romance novels, I still was floating. I dumped all other guys I was dating after that. He really is amazing, I just think about him and smile. He's smart, he's funny and he's incredibly sexy. And I feel incredibly lucky to have him as my boyfriend.

What else? I mean what else could there be other than an amazing man in my life, fabulous sex (with a live person, not just electronic pleasure devices) and intelectual stimulation? Oh yeah, the Little People.

Super Girl started kindergarten. I was aprehensive at first, me being the overprotective mother that I am worried that she would not do well and would not like school (actually it was my own anxieties from my own horrific kindergarten experience). The first day we took her to school and she just about gave us the bums rush out of the school. So much for her not adjusting. Cabbage Patch however wailed the moment we turned to go. She wanted to stay with Super Girl. *sigh* Back home she continued to ask when Super Girl would be home, which just broke my heart. 3:30 pm couldn't come soon enough for either of us. It took 30 minutes waiting in the pick up line to get Super Girl. That alone made me certain that I wanted her riding the bus. The next day was the First Day On The Bus. Again I needed to take calming deep breaths to deal with that, but despite my paranoid fears NOTHING happened and at 3:40 pm she exited the bus beaming from ear to ear. Eventually I realized that school is a fabulous thing. For half of the day I have one less child to make a mess! One less mess maker! AND she is LEARNING! Woohoo! So that's where my tax dollars are going. I think back to the moments of insanity as a new mother when Super Girl was just a baby and how I swore I would home school her. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! What was I thinking???? I am so not cut out for that crap. Anyway, she loves school and continues to shock me with how much she's learned.

Cabbage Patch is totally loving not having her sister home most of the day now. She talks non stop these days, and since her sister, who also talks non stop, but much louder, is gone half of the day, I can actually hear that what she is saying (although much of it is still in that alien toddler language so I don't always understand what she's saying). Her newest BIG words that come out so clear are IRRITATING as in "Super Girl stop that." "Why?" "Because it's irritating." and DISGUSTING as in "Get your finger out of your nose, that's disgusting." I'm glad she listens to me sometimes.

We've had some funny moments with the Little People. Like when Super Girl brushed her teeth with Personal Lubricant. heh or Cabbage Patch winning Jenga by putting all the blocks in the milk jug. They've covered them selves in baby powder prompting me to think of the Cingular commercial with the "Flour the children" line. There was the missing fish (that mystery was NEVER solved) and the tragic mass suicide of the entire tank of fish. My brunch with my former high school nemisis (who is no longer a nemisis so I really need to find something else to call her). Super Girl getting sick in the middle of the night and throwing up in her sisters bed (that's funny because I didn't have to clean that one up). I made a most fabulous costume for my sister for her first year on Scarby Cast and I had a fun time attending Scarby when I could. We had a fabulous Seder with lots of Kosher wine (and weird pictures). My cat took a week long vacation from us, but for some insane reason she CAME back. Crazy feline. Saw Jesus in my 'hood driving around in his pimped out silver Cadilac Escalade. In one fabulous evening with XXX I managed to set my hair on fire (setting out the candles for the romantic mood - he never knew about that), impress him with my fine choice of wines by asking him to open it and having it discoverd that the wine was a screw top and finally in an attempt to impress him with a lovely breakfast having smoke pouring out of the oven (one should really check the oven before turning on the broiler). Amazingly he didn't laugh and he's still my hot and sexy boyfriend. Angry Albino Sock Monkey was created! My EVIL creation LIVES! (still for sale, ya want one, you know you do - give me money and I'll give you monkey) I got my braces off (YAY!). I have had several fabulous visits to XXX and hopefully 2005 holds several more fabulous visits. Since I'm a chicken shit and usually travel via Greyhound I've been fortunate enough to meet several freaks on the bus - I figured out early that it's best to find your freak as opposed to having a freak find you. It works out well and makes for an intesting ride most times (last time with the drunk who was hitting on me was more irritating and less interesting). I had the absolute worst 'garden' this year, maybe 2005 will be the year of plastic plants for me. I got a lovely case of poison ivy - on my face! Got coffee makers for my birthday. Blessed are those who feed my addiction. Koko the gorilla (my birthday twin) was a bitch and stood me up for our usual birthday drink - bitch. The wee ones visited Grandma and GiGi for a week and came back convinced I had somehow shrunk our cats (their cats are huge, my cats are the compact verson) - it took 3 weeks to convince them that I did NOT shrink out cats. The higher powers sent a gerbil to us, which I dubbed Bubonic Plauge, Bea for short. I lost my drivers license at the end of August only to have the grocery store (who I had called three times in the week after I lost it) call me in October to tell me they had it. I cooked a meal for 35 people (a reception dinner) and it was FABULOUS. I pondered why my cats couldn't speak, then realized I'd be driven crazy by them if they could. I had the great hair disaster where I accidentally colored my hair a deep plum color - it looked shitty. Partied with The Queen on his birthday. Drank to much and flashed the party. I've managed to read two books this year - TWO whole books! Wooohoo! My celing fan in my living room was finally fixed! It only took 4 or 5 months. I did some illustrations and went to the GAYEST Halloween party ever! (It was a gay/lesbian parents group party) Had an impromptu party at our place (and it ROCKED!) - go check out the photos back in October to see my and Petey's progression to drunkeness. Thanksgiving was busy - cooked too much and ate too much. December brought Hannukah and the Little People LOVED that. Christmas followed - again the Little People LOVED all the pressies. In between all that I got a mother of a ticket (which I have to head to the court house tomorrow to arrange to take care of it). I've been cranky most of this month - lack of XXX does that to me, but now I'm looking forward to January (gonna visit my hot sexy man soon!) and 2005. I'm pretty damn sure it will be better than 2004.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

How Sweet It Is

I've been baking this evening. I made the mistake of deciding to make Reindeer Brownies in addition to the other goodies I've been baking for K's family. Reindeer Brownies are just brownies decorated with M&M's and pretzels to look vaguely like reindeers. Mmmmm brownies. Frosting. M&M's. I had a Dr. Pepper with dinner too. I'm on a serious sugar high. I think I can feel my hair growing. I vibrating.
What's Wrong With This Picture?

A special prize goes to the first person to correctly answer the above question for THIS picture.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

The Day That Lasted For 48 Hours
Where Is That Childrens Chewable Valium????

Today started out fine enough. My progeny allowed me to sleep just past 8 am. A rare and sweet occurance that I treasure as I'm usually up at 6 am. Everyday. 6 am everyday. Let's all say that together now - 6 AM EVERYDAY. Okay, I think you get the idea.

Sleeping in to such a late hour left me with a false sense of security and confidence for a calm and peaceful day. Heh, foolish me. Having both of my offspring home all day is never calm nor peaceful. Usually it's not so bad, but it's also not usually raining at 8 am with the temperatures at a delightful 38 and the promise it plummeting with a 'wintery mix' (winter mix in this case means cold rain then sleet and finally soggy snow and freezing temperatures, i.e. hell for those who the night before were planning to take aforementioned offspring outside to burn off energy and save sanity). The Little People continued to perpetuate my delusion of a 'calm and peaceful day' by requesting and eating a breakfast of scrambled eggs and juice. This is an ultimate rarity as scrambled eggs are usually met with twisted up little faces and whines of "ewwwww! I don't like scrambled eggs! Can't we have cereal?"

After eating their breakfast and playing with Barbie and her bitch Ken while mommy checked e-mail... no wait, scratch that, while mommy cleaned viruses off her computer (more on that later), the Little People investigated the tapping noise on the window. The tap, tap, tapping noise was none other than the start of sleet. Sudden excitement insued as they mistook the tiny balls of ice accumulating in the planters for snow. The door was opened a few times for their curiousity to be satisfied. Back to Barbies.

Then it happened, I entered the first level of hell. Near 10 am the sleet changed to SNOW. Big fluffy flakes. Somehow the Little People knew it was snowing without even seeing. I starting hearing squeals of "It's snowing!" and requests to go out and play. This worked briefly to my advantage to get them to pick up the thousands of tiny Barbie accessories littering my living room floor - "Well you have to pick up your stuff before we can go out and play." Then it all went to shit. It was now time to round up winter clothing. For some reason all of the nice winter accessories like hats, scarves and gloves were not where they were supposed to be. So the quest for the missing gloves began.

Glove quest.

Now I personally have bought no less than 8 pairs of gloves (well 7 and one set of mittens). Last month I bought two pair in preparation for the cold weather. This morning, one hot pink glove and one red glove. I told the progeny that they had to find gloves - them not me. This also worked briefly to my advantage as I told them that I was fairly certain that at least ONE glove was in the dress up bins, hence they would have to CLEAN the toy area to find gloves. By noon it was nap time and after many reminders that no one could go play until two sets of gloves were found and many threats were issued through clenched teeth (mine) a black glove was found, a black mitten was found and a light pink glove was found. 5 hand coverings, that works. Off to naps.

Coat? What coat?

After short naps (DAMN!) Hell resumed, this time I was on a much deeper level having taken the express elevator as directed by my offspring. The tiny terrorists wanted to go out even more now. I asked a simple question "where is your coat Super Girl?" "I dunno." Grrrr... After 2 hours of me telling her to LOOK FOR IT, it was determined her coat is NOT in the house. Not happy now. Very NOT happy. But it's workable. I start dressing the kids for playing outside in the now 28 degree temperatures (19 with the wind chill) and ask yet another seemingly simple question "Where is your hat Cabbage Patch?" "I dunno." Damn it.

I saw the freaking hat just yesterday. I don't know what they did with it. I told them that if Cabbage Patch did NOT have a hat, then no one would go out to play in the snow. It took them a half an hour to actually go up stairs and find the damn hat. at 4:30 pm with hats, mismatched gloves, warm clothing and scarves, we ventured out into the weather to play. We returned at 5 pm to have hot chocolate and peanutbutter crackers. I hate snow almost as much as I hate snow days.
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!
But Fer Fucks-Sake Make It Stop In Dallas!

Fuck it's snowing here. I dislike snow. Snowing in Dallas means dangerous driving conditons. And cold. I don't like to be cold and since my sweetie is far, far away from me, I don't even have someone to snuggle with under the covers. *pout*

Stop Snowing Damn It! Okay, I feel better.
Damn The Other Grandparents!!
Or What An Incredibly Shallow Bitch I Am.

So K has been finalizing plans with his family regarding our X-mas get together. This means gift exchange. *sigh* This usually means more crappy toys for my offspring. This year at the annual Thanksgiving thing the grandparents requested ideas on what to get for my offspring. I generally ask that people NOT get my progeny toys as the house already looks like I've robbed a toy store. I rattled off a list of acceptable DVDs to get for the kids. I did this as last year Grandpa H managed to give the progeny the most horrible and horendously awful gifts - two talking books (one that expecially annoying purple fiend) and a DVD *"the Great Longneck Migration". Now the real bitch as far as awful presents is that KIDS LOVE THEM! If you as a parent have the urge to jab red hot spoons in your ears every fucking time you hear it (because they are always noisy), then your offspring will LOVE it. And by love I mean play with it to the exclusion of everything else, I mean drag it everywhere they go, I mean hold on to it for dear life every time you even attempt to take it away (for a moment's peace and to make it 'disapear'), I mean they will take it to bed with them for safe keeping, I mean they use it drive the very last particle of sanity out of your very being, that kind of LOVE (obsession).

The list I gave was short and included things I KNEW I could tolerate and one thing I absolutly LOVE. I listed Barbie movies (which do suck but I can ignore and it totally mesmerizes them for about 15 - 20 minutes) and Shrek 2 (I figured asking for Spiderman 2 would be to obvious that it was for me and not them). K spoke to his father and his father told him that he had purchased a Barbie movie and some jacked up baby genius DVDs. WHAT????? No SHREK 2?!?!?!? What on earth does my child NEED to learn at this point that she can't get from Shrek 2??? Really???

First the grandparents on my side send a box full of packing peanuts cleverly disguised as packing for a few toys (but I know it was just to mess up my living room!!!) and now the other doesn't come trough with Shrek 2???? What is wrong with them??? (really and truely the wee ones have wanted Shrek 2 since they saw it in the theater, so it's NOT just me) Just for that I am going to photo copy my ticket and give it to them with a note telling them to contact the Plano Police dept for their present as that's where the pressie money went. (not really, K won't let me do that!)

* 'The Great Longneck Migration' is one of the worst childrens movies ever made. I am appaled and disgusted that James Garner is so down on his luck that he actually did a voice in this piece of crap. This movie does however explain why the dinos became extinct. Seems that all of the plant eaters were sappy, emotional, whiney, irritating and tended to break out into a song and dance routine at the drop of a hat making them easy prey for the less sappy, emotional and not at all whiney or musically inclined preditors.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Two Snaps Up And a Circle!

I just saw that among the Barbies and accessories there was some clothing options for Ken (fag). I had to stifle my laughter as I saw what the Little People chose for him to wear today. Ken truly is the Gayest Of Them All in this outfit - fer fucks sake he's got on GOLD shoes!!!!

I've always had a serious shoe fixation. I won't mention the exact number of pairs of shoes I own as the number is rediculous. One time before I got married I counted all the pairs of shoes as I packed them in box after box and the total was 67. Yes I do have delirious dreams of squandering a small countries wealth on fine and fancy footwear. Imelda was to be envied.

But I digress (as usual), the Little People recieved Barbie and accessories last night from their favorite aunt (D) and her best friend Barrie (their favorite 'aunt'). This morning as I looked at the nightmare of cleaning of accesories on the floor I could not help but be insanely jealous over Barbie's fantastic shoes! (the gold stilettos are my favorite although I can't walk in stilettos to save my life)

Yes I know I need help. Maybe all the cookies for breakfast is affecting my brain today.

Monday, December 20, 2004

Near Jail Experience

Sometimes I tempt fate/karma/destiny and I don't even know it. Last night as we drove through Plano to go to the freaking Super Target (we had a gift card and figured we'd buy some overpriced groceries there and save our cash) I told K about how I felt a tad guilty because I had sold a package to a couple for $94 but I should have talked them into buying the $89 package instead as they would have gotten more and would have saved a few dollars. As I start this story and how my sad sales for yesterday were probably my karmic pay off for that, I pull up to a red light right next to a Plano police car. Heh, great. My cars stickers are expired. AND as some people know I'm driving around with a suspended drivers license. As luck would have it we catch the very next red light as does the police car. Damn. I hope I haven't gotten his attention but I'm fairly certain I have when he pulls behind my car and follows me for the next couple of blocks. K is turning red in the passenger seat as his blood pressure goes up. When I turn on my blinker to turn into a shopping center the officer turns on the Christmas lights and I'm officially being pulled over. As I park the car I tell K to calm down it's not a big deal and he feels the neccessity to remind me of the fact that driving on a suspended license is an arrestable offense - he didn't need to remind me of that, it had already flashed through my mind (like right when I saw the police car). I joked that it was a damn good thing I was wearing make-up and dressed nice as I'd hate to have a crappy mug shot. He didn't think I was funny.

The nice officer explained that he pulled me over because of my expired stickers and took my license - I offered him my ID as well saying "It has a better picture" which made him smile so I figured my chances of suffering police brutality on the way to jail were pretty low.

I continued to alternately joke about going to jail and reassure K that the sky was not in fact falling as the nice officer sat in his car with my identification (both license and ID) and pondered exactly how many offenses he could put on the ticket and I suppose wrestle with his conscience on whether to traumatize a couple of wee children by handcuffing mom and carting her off to jail in front of them. K didn't even laugh once, I was giving him my BEST stuff and not even a smile. *sigh*

Luckily for me they weren't filming an episode of C.O.P.S. so the nice officer just gave me a hefty ticket, asked me if I'd recieve notification of my suspended license - which I said NO, and it wasn't a lie as I have never gotten notification,(though I was prepared to lie my ass off if he had asked if KNEW about my license being suspended), he explained that it was (which I knew) and that I could go to jail for driving with a suspended license (which I also knew) and that he wasn't going to take me to jail (whew!) since it was so close to Christmas (I didn't bother to mention I'm Jewish) and I thanked him and was thankfull at that moment I didn't live in LA. :o)

After the whole ticket incident I needed a nice strong drink - thank goodness there was a Starbucks in the store. (no booze in the store, damn it!)

So now I have 10 days to take care of things. That's 10 days to figure out how exactly to whore myself out to make enough money to pay my ticket. Any suggestions???

*Note - if you feel the neccessity to tell me how I should have taken care of the stickers on my car or my suspended license, please just keep that to yourself as I already know that and really don't need to hear the obvious - I'd call my relatives if I needed to hear that one! No criticism, just sympathy (or silence) or else I'll send a band of Angry Albino Sock Monkies to your house to preform their ancient and evil Monkey Magic and curse your underwear drawer to be perpetually infested with psychotic gerbils. Now have a nice day.*

Friday, December 17, 2004

Looks Like Snow

At least it did here locally yesterday afternoon. Very locally, like just my living room.

Yesterday about 4 pm I get a knock on my door, it's my friendly (and somewhat cold) UPS delivery guy with a box about half the size of my living room. Ahhhh the presents from the grandparents. Though large it was not heavy. After shoving the box into the middle of the floor space, I cut the box open. Inside were thousands of white packing peanuts. Great. I've never really liked packing peanuts all that much, it must be from the 11 years as an administrative assistant having to pack up crap to be sent out and ending up with packing peanuts all over my desk area on a regular basis. Now that I have progeny I despise packing peanuts. Adults see packing peanuts as a minor nusance to endure which ensures the packaged materials are safe and secure. Children see packing peanuts as an instant and not uncomfortably cold snow storm, the contents of the package is completly irrelavant when packing peanuts are present. (I took their unwrapped presents out of the box with them just 4 feet from me, they NEVER noticed.)

After a quick search through the Packing Peanuts From HELL I discovered that despite the size of the box, there was very little in the way of items needing packing to such extent. Much to the Little People's delight the box was mostly full of packing peanuts and within minutes of removing the packages from the box, my living room had 6 in deep snow drifts.

I know you must be thinking I'm just a horrible bitch for not letting the Little People have their snow storm, but you obviously have never had to clean up a styrofoam packing peanut snow storm. Sweeping makes them scatter, vacuuming is difficult as the small amount of air generated from the brushes in the vacuum cause them to scatter and for some reason some of them tend to be kind of staticy and stick to the broom, vacuum, furniture, pets or clothes. When packing peanuts are used for a snow storm many tend to get torn into tiny little staticy pieces that resist normal cleaning methods. Yesterday I picked up most of the peanuts by hand, then vacuumed very well to get up the tiny pieces and this morning I'm still looking at pieces of them on the floor. Insidious little bastards just hang on to furniture hiding until the floor is completly clean, I'll be finding these particle for the next three weeks.

In summary, packing peanuts are Satan's creation, the UPS store who packaged the presents in such a fucking huge box to use so many of these damn peanuts are obviously the Minions of Satan and the grandparents who sent the box of toys are Evil (but hey, they are my family I think I've covered the Evilness of them before). And the only people who are truly happy are the Little People, because despite me yelling at them and banishing them to their room while I shoveled out the living room, they still have presents and they did after all get their show storm.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

You Drew A WHAT?!?!?!

Super Girl brought home this picture she drew just for ME. Take a look at it and tell me what YOU see.

Our conversation went as follows:

Her: I drew this just for you.
Me: Oh thanks.
Me: *with raised eyebrows* What's this? (Pointing to figure on the right)
Her: That's a candy cane.
Me: Ahhh. What's this? (pointing to the more questionable figure on the left)
Her: Oh I just messed up. *wanders off to play tea party with Cabbage Patch*
Me: *thinking how thankful I am it's just a candy cane and not an awfully good depiction of something battery powered in mommy's nightstand drawer*

It's a CANDY CANE you pervert! (yeah I know, so am I)

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Welcome Hanta!

I have a new rodent and I'm quite enamored with her. I've named her Hanta Virus, Hanta for short. (yes I know I'm touched in the head for naming my gerbils after rodent borne illnesses - Bea, short for Bubonic Plague). We picked her up earlier this week. I have wanted to get a friend for Bea as I had read on several sites about how gerbils are social creatures and need a buddy or they'll become depressed. I am the last person to want a pet rodent on Prozac so I began looking for a companion female gerbil (no breeding pets for me, I'd rather have a couple of lesbo rodents than have a litter of gerbils to deal with). A continual check of the nearby Pet Smart yielded us no luck as they only carry male gerbils (and other rodents) (we learned of their anti-female rodent policy earlier this week when we finally ASKED if they had any females) - I had contacted a few breeders about wanting a baby but none of the butt-licks.. I mean breeders felt I was deserving of a gerbil or an answer for that matter. We headed south a couple of towns and found the coolest mecca of pets - just as it was about to close! K pleaded with the proprietor that we were just needing a female gerbil and they apparently were the ONLY place in the area that carried them. Everyone scurried out of the car and into the store. I was imediatly in awe of all the exotic little beasties for sale and promised the Little People that we would definitly return to this store if only to let them (and ME) see all of the furry critters I won't ever let them have. We were quickly ushered back to the Wonderful Wall of Rodents (that's what I call it anyway) where we all ooohhed and ahhhed at the amazing selection of rodents - the chinchilla was sooooo cool! Before I became mesmerized by the adorable bunnies, I told the helpful, ever patient proprietor that I wanted the smallest (because it would probably be the youngest) female in the cage that wasn't Cinnamon colored (because I want to be able to tell my rodents apart, duh). The specimen pictured above is what I got.

We paid our $10.81 and left with a little cardboard box wrapped rodent. My rodent.

Once home I proceded to prove to my family what an incredible idiot I truly am. I dumped Hanta into Bea's cage. Suddenly what was intended as a cute and cuddly gerbil moment turned into a caged death match between Hanta and Bea, with Bea being the giant agressor. Despite the gerbils being rather tiny I was still reluctant to stick my unprotected hand in the cage to break up the battle - hey I've seen Bea reduce a wooden spoon into splinters in just a few hours, she can turn a toilet paper roll into shreds in 60 seconds, I wasn't about to have her mistake my fingers for Hanta and have me bitten, because then I'd hate her and seriously consider poisoning her or tossing her to my cat for a treat or something unmentionably horrible that I would consider but never actuallly do. Seeing the danger my new baby was in I skillfully used the box to separate the gerbils (well actually I think I made some uninteligible sounds of panic as I shoved the box in the cage to stop Bea's murderous rampage, luckily Hanta is smart and realized her best chance for survival was to hop off the side of the cage that she had just jumped on and to get IN the box) and removed Hanta from harms way (harms way = Bea's homicidal rage). Hanta is now in her own tiny cage - safe.

Apparently I missed the section in the gerbil FAQ's that said that some gerbils are not so much social as Sociopaths and that the longer they are kept as lone gerbils the more likely they will develop homicidal and sociopathic tendencies. Bea has taken to watching Hanta. she even took all the bedding out of her little penthouse - she used to spend much of her time stuffing her penthouse with bedding or just burrowing in her bedding up there. Now she's made a little nest in the bottom of her cage where she can watch Hanta in her cage. She occasionally goes to the bars to sniff at her and sometimes bites at the bars, I suppose in frustration or anxiety or psychotic rage.

I had read about how it can be difficult to introduce a companion to an older gerbil (Bea is a few months old and considered older), but for some idiotic reason I chose to completly ignore that and just assume that some kind of Disney union would take place and we'd all be knocked into a diabetic coma with sheer cuteness of their new friendship. Not so. Now I surf the internet for tips on introduction and antipsychotic medication in gerbil doses. I don't want to have a dead gerbil, I also don't want two cages to clean. I'm giving then just a few weeks to get used to each other and then I'm going to get rid of one (most likely Bea will go live with B (I'll have to check if it's even legal to give a gay man a gerbil) and I'll get a companion for Hanta) if they can not live together. I want two gerbils, cute and cuddly and if I wait to long and they never accept each other (well really if Bea continues to be a sociopath) then I'll have the same issues with Hanta. So that's where it stands, Hanta Virus and Bubonic Plague are incompatible, but there is much hope that they can co-exist.
Jesus Is The Reason? Really?

This article just galls me. (read it) I thought about it all day long before writing this (wanted to make sure I was properly offensive to everyone). This group is talking about putting ‘Christ’ back in Christmas by forcing stores to put MERRY CHRISTMAS on their advertisements or they won’t shop there. Yeah, that’s a really GOOD way to show the CHRISTMAS spirit. (eyes rolling up in head) I mean really, isn’t Christmas all about the colorful lights and the big ol’ tree all covered in ornaments and a mountain of presents to tear into on Christmas morning? Since I’m a Jew I might be confused, but I’m going back on my 7 years as a Christian convert for this knowledge. I may not have read that book really well, but I don’t think I saw anything in there about how Mary and Joseph set up a grand Christmas tree next to the baby’s manger, nor do I recall hearing how the three wise men brought fabulous presents from Baby Gap, Old Navy and Gymboree for Jesus. I'm pretty confident there was no Baby's First Christmas ornament up on the tree. I’m kind of foggy on whether there were lovely blinking lights strung over the stable, I do recall something about a bright and sparkly star, so maybe there was. I can’t remember or not if there was a passage about how the shepherds got caught in traffic trying to get to Jesus birthday party because of all the traffic at the malls, the lack of Amazon wish list for Jesus probably made shopping for him a real bitch. I’m almost certain there wasn’t anything about Mary wearing her brand new Christmas clothes as she set the table for all the guests. There was no ‘JESUS IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON’ in bright lights on the fence behind the stable. No piped in carols to entertain, no tensile on anything. I’m not really sure when Santa Clause arrived to bring baby J a shiny silver engraved rattle from Tiffany’s and a load of Discovery Toys (age appropriate of course), but it must be in there somewhere. The shepherds probably didn’t mind tending to the eight tiny reindeer along with their flocks and the light from Rudolph's nose made things extra festive as people took turns standing under the mistletoe for a kiss. I bet all of Santas elves were quite helpful what with Mary having just had a baby and all the guests hanging around. And I KNOW I did not read anything about anyone heading to WalMart, Target or the mall for the after Christmas sales. Please feel free to correct me if I am wrong on any of this.

The whole article is utterly ridiculous. Trying to de-secularize Christmas by demanding all the secular symbols of Christmas be instated is insane. Really I have to ask, is Jesus REALLY the reason for all of this? For all the self indulgent presents, for all the holiday stress, for all the frantic buying, for all the ornaments and flashing lights? Honestly, what would Jesus do for Christmas? Where would Jesus shop? And would he max out his credit cards? What would Jesus say – Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukah (that’s got my vote)? The world will never know.

* Take a moment to think about it, beneath all the sarcasm there is a point being made.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

From Me To XXX

Well... XXX actually did all the graphics on this one, I found the picture though, and the sentiment is truly all mine. ;o)
Greetings From XXX

Isn't he thoughtful? That's why I'm crazy about him!

Take a look at some other greetings he's done.

Monday, December 13, 2004

Something Funny And Innapropriate

My hot and sexy boyfriend XXX sent me this. (not appropriate for work, noisy, rude and offensive.)
Weekend Crap

My weekend was frustrating at best. Some moments were really good; a lot of moments were just difficult.


The day of Super Girl’s holiday dance recital at 3:30 pm. I head into to work not nearly as early as intended as I had to wash, dry and set Super Girl’s hair before I left. I entrusted K to handle the rest of preparation – I did this with much trepidation as I’m a total control freak in some areas.

My first hospital went smoothly, 7 on the list, 6 who could wait until Sunday. My second hospital was not so good. I’m greeted once again with unhappy nurses as the Friday photographers didn’t do their fucking jobs. Apparently 4 parents who were going home Saturday didn’t have their photos taken Friday even though the photographer talked to them and told them she would be in to photo their baby shortly. She just never fucking showed up. Great, unhappy nurses and pissed off parents. My favorite. Apparently the camera stopped working on cart 1. The photographer didn’t show up, didn’t even bother to tell the parents why. There are two photographers who work Friday so honestly there is absolutely no reason these people should not have been taken care of. The photographer with the broken camera should have had the other photographer take care of the 4 people. But of course not, the Friday people are Fuck-tards.

Three of the 4 were appreciative I was taking care of them and were somewhat understanding of the broken camera. One however was seriously pissed off and started to bitch me out – which I did not take.

The rest of the workday was spent with a very tight schedule so I could leave by 2:15 pm. I didn’t leave until 2:30 pm due to a very late and very insistent on having photos parent of a baby in NICU. *sigh*

I arrived at the recital just moments before it was to start, a quick check of Super Girl and off to my seat which K and B had held for me. Our seats were horrible this year, off to the side and a few rows back. This year they combined all classes for the recital so there was standing room only in the class. A few acts into the recital they brought in more seats for people and put them in two rows right in front of where we were. Fabulous. Now all I could see of my child was the top half of her head with her hot pink bow. I didn’t get any photos of her dancing; hell I couldn’t even see her dancing! Grrr…

We left when the tumbling started and headed home. Super Girl was adorable in her dance outfit (I did get a photo of that – and amazingly it came out fabulous despite her being a stubborn brat about having her photo taken… you’d think by now she’d be used to the photos commemorating EVERY damn thing in her life by now).

Lighting The Candles

Back home to eat left over (from lunch) pizza and yell at children to pick up their crap off the floor. We lit the candles and the children received nothing for Chanukah that as earlier that day they had peeked in my closet at their presents. I however was surprised by Chanukah presents from K and B. Specialty coffee (mmmm), a bad ass whisk from some high end gourmet store and a scraper thingy to go with it and a BOOK! Not just any book, but a book I have WANTED. The first of the Lemony Snicket ‘A Series Of Unfortunate Events’ books. All very nice and much appreciated.

Then they left. K, B and the Little People. *sigh* They usually leave on Saturdays – often they aren’t even here when I get home from work. I’m used to it. I considered what I should do for the rest of the evening since it was all mine and though I had several options (clean house, go to the movies, clean house, take a bath, clean house, read my book, clean house, work on one of my many unfinished projects, clean house, paint my toenails, clean house…) I was suddenly struck feeling very, deeply, utterly and completely alone. And I was. I usually like being alone yet that night the lonesome feeling was surprisingly huge.


I opted to take a long hot bath and read my book. Now I’m not a ‘long hot bath’ person. I don’t generally enjoy them. After cleaning and shaving appropriate body parts, I can’t see a reason to continue sitting in a pool of one’s own filthy bath water. But I tried to enjoy it; I did after all have some new bath salts and stuff. It didn’t really work, the bath smelled nice but I didn’t really enjoy it. I ended up draining the tub and showering off to feel CLEAN then heading to the couch to read my book – which I finished.

I enjoyed the book quite a bit and am anxious to get the next two in the series before I commit to seeing the movie (which is based on the first three books).

Then I went to bed.

Luckily Sunday was a better day (for the most part)

Work went smoothly and was quite profitable (and I didn’t even have to earn all the money!). I spoke with my hot and sexy boyfriend XXX. We went to a pet store and procured a new rodent for me (which is an absolutely adorable little critter); we had yummy spicy Chinese food for dinner and lit the candles.

More later… deep meaningful in-depth look at my damaged psyche. (I know you’re excited at the prospect!)

Friday, December 10, 2004

Night 4

I'm sure you are all probably tired of my holiday photos. I promise this will be the last one for a few more days ;o)
How Gay/Straight Are YOU?

Hot and sexy XXX sent me this test. I scored 43% gay.
Illustration Friday: Security

I was going to do a different picture for this, but I wasn't feeling well last night so here ya go. Nothing like the security of a teddy bear. :o)

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Night 3

Here we are on the third night. I'm not feeling well tonight hence the 'Death Warmed Over' makeover for tonight (isn't cool how my red hair accentuates the palor and monotone of my face and how my dark circles give me that hard to get zombie look?). I did not cook tonight, we had Taco Bell.

Off to go sprawl on the couch and feign death. I'll write more when the fever breaks (fever + muppet holiday specials make for some fucked up dreams).
Drinkin' N Singin'

Tonight I went to meet some Rennies. This was my FIRST time to meet them, my FIRST Rennie informal gathering. Ohhhhhhh... It was real spur of the moment, Cam invited me yesterday and I figured it would be cool. It was.

I was late. I had planned to be a little late as I didn't want to be standing around like a dork waiting for people to arrive and not fucking knowing who they were. So anyway, late. I ended up taking 45 minutes to get ready instead of my usual 15 (DAMN YOU Infernal HAIR! At least you looked pretty good). Then I had to get some $$ so I could buy drinks. I stop by Brookshires and figure I'll grab a Coke, pay with my debit card and get an extra $20 with that. Now you may be asking WHY would I do that when there is a perfectly good ATM in the store? Fees! Fees! My bank charges me UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE amounts to use a strange ATM. (fuckers) So I figured if I was going to have to spend money to get money I'd like to get more than just a slip of paper. Cashier rings the $1.40 Coke, I scan my card and then she finishes the transaction without asking if I want CASH BACK! (they ALWAYS ask that!) *sigh* She appologizes then says we can re-do the transaction. We do, I get my Coke and $20 and she says that she needs to call the manager so they can credit the original $1.40 back to my card. After a moment, I realize I'm later than I intended and say "How 'bout I just get another Coke and we'll be done." So now I have two Cokes, but I'm off.

The directions to the bar were easy, but I had to get lost. I always get lost when I go somewhere new. It could be RIGHT NEXT DOOR to my own fucking house and I'd get lost the first time I went. I'm very good at U turns though. So I arrive 45 minutes late instead of 15 as intended. No biggie.

I met Cameleon - he was wearing this obnoxiously yellow shirt with a chaos symbol on it and what I first thought said Vegitarian. After about 20 or 30 minutes of trying to figure out why he'd have Vegitarian on his shirt, it dawned on me that the e was an a. The shirt read Vagitarian. (wait for it, you'll get it in a moment)

I also met Drew who I eventually learned is a plumber and works for the hardware store that is just down the street from me - REALLY JUST DOWN THE STREET! Freaky. A plumber, so yeah, I made a idiotic comment about how I bet he's good at laying pipe. I don't think he expected that, he just looked stunned for a second. Shannon caught it, she laughed quite loudly.

Shannon is this amazing singer. It was karaoke night at the pub. I had my back to her as she started singing Alicia Key's 'In And Out Of Love'. I got chills down my back, I had to turn around to actually SEE that the amazing voice was coming from her. Wow.

Kristen informed me that Shannon won a spot on the next American Idol. She mentioned that she (Kristen) is a hick and she grew up in Garland which prompted me to reveil that I went to Garland High School. She went to S Garland and graduated 9 years after me! I had the sudden urge to shover her chair over backwards, but fought it off as I'm sure she could have kicked my ass... and she's really nice.

Anyway I had fun. It was great. I guess I made a good enough impression (I made sure to keep it to one drink so I wouldn't start acting like a drunken monkey), I got invited to a party on the 18th, had to decline though, GAME NIGHT. I'm looking forward to getting with them again though.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

2nd Night

Amazingly the kids look happy!

And dinner tonight - fried catfish and veggies! I've already got my heartattack on order.
Night One

Here is a picture right after we lit the first candle. (this is also the one photo where I look least like a big red cow).

We feasted on potato latkes (they were awsome) and donuts (damn good) last night (we had other stuff for dinner also). I think I've had my fill of latkes and donuts though... 7 more nights and I'm already done for. I feel the suffering already. *sigh*

(I have no idea why my kids have to look like they are in front of a fireing squad for holiday photos.)

Tuesday, December 07, 2004


My hot sexy boyfriend XXX sent this to me.

You scored as Lust.















Seven deadly sins
created with

Hmmm is anyone surprised with the results? Anyone? Anyone?

Last night on a whim I tried my hand with watercolors. I was happily surprised with the results. I did the outline in watercolor marker - I think I should have done it a bit different but it's not bad for a first attempt.

Tater Chips And Krispe Kream For All!

Tonight starts the first night of Chanukah. The first of eight nights of latkes and soofganiyot (that's potato pancakes and donuts for you goy). I actually don't plan to have this EVERY night for 8 nights (my ass would be as wide as a barn if I did), tonight we will have it, but tomorrow probably just some other vegetable latkes probably by the 8th night I'll just pass around a bag of chips and box of Krispe Kream donuts. I get tired of frying stuff, I know it's the festival to celebrate the miracle of the oil, but the real miracle is that more Jews don't just keel over from heart attacks by the 6th night.

The Little People are totally ready for Chanukah. I'm mostly ready, still need to get candles for the menorah. I'll post pictures of our candle lighting tomorrow.

This year we really went overboard on the kids. K and I didn't do our shopping together as we should have. We did discuss what to get for holiday presents and we did end up getting them most of what we discussed - that what I had intended, I had intended to get them only some of what we discussed. Luckily it's mostly games. Tonight they will start with a card game, tomorrow I think they'll get the crayons and drawing stuff and we'll work up to the SUPER COOL (Barbies, dress up wings and Disney Princess Tea Set and Cart) stuff toward the end of the 8 days.

As for me I've already gotten my Chanukah presents. Everything was given to me early. My sister took me on a very generous shopping trip, K got me a very nice jacket and XXX gave me a beautiful Jewish Calender. I'm happy.

Anyway, hope everyone has a lovely Channukah.

Friday, December 03, 2004

Illustration Friday:Bubble

I did two for today, unfortunately the quality of photo does not do either justice.

One is of a fish, because I used to have a fish named Bubbles and I always think of goldfish blowing bubbles (Thor used to do that). The other is of a thought bubble - because I do that a lot (day dream about XXX). ;o) it's rough, but I like it.

I'm pleased to say that I've been downsized. Not laid off but I'm in a smaller size pant! Woohoo!

Yesterday on a whim I tried on a jacket I haven't been able to squeeze into comfortably in years and it fit! It fit well even, no buttons straining or anything. This morning being in a hurry to get dressed I grabbed some pants that I've had forever and slipped them on - just slipped them on. They are a size smaller than what I've been wearing. I'm so happy, I have a closet full of clothes that I haven't been able to fit into in a while. The only bad thing is that this is all clothes from when I was working a corporate 8-5 job. My current employment is much much more casual. I feel like a major dork wearing silk pants to clean house in. Ah well if I ever have an occasion to go to go somewhere nice I'll have something to wear.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

WalMart = One of The Levels Of HELL!

We headed off to Wally World tonight in search of the items we should have bought last night but didn’t because I just could not fucking remember and K was utterly unmotivated. One of the items on the list was fabric, as in fabric that will match the cool fake tiger fur I made Super Girl’s amazingly fabulous coat out of. Cabbage Patch was in love with it and wanted a coat to match her sisters. We head for the fabric section and I select a white leopard print as they did not have a white tiger print (I thought it would be cute to have them in tiger print and white tiger print). All I need is one yard of fabric. I take the bolt to the counter and wait. There is no store employee around. This is actually pretty common; generally if you stand around impatiently some older woman in a horrid blue smock will appear out of nowhere and will stoically ask if you need help. So I do that. Stand around and look for signs of employees. Meanwhile the Little People have changed to their alter egos of Chaos and Destruction and are trying their damnedest to live up to their names – luckily upon entering Wally World I instantly recalled that some alien cosmic force eminates from Wally World (and only Wally World) that fucks with the brain waves of normal mild mannered children (of which my offspring are not, but they are still affected) and causes them to become foul little demons complete with heads that revolve and pea soup spewing mouths and worst of all the ability to WHINE at a level that can annoy EVERYONE within hearing distance of their shrill, piercing voices. K decides to push the cart around while I wait for a helpful employee to appear – this is generally a smart and safe idea as it’s harder for the Tiny Terrorists to get to a moving target and decreases the collateral damage inflicted by them. After nearly 10 minutes the helpful employee appears. She is neither stoic nor elderly and I’m instantly suspicious. In my experience the only helpful employees in a sewing area of Wally World are stoic and elderly. Her name tag said Jenny and she appeared to be maybe 20, tall and anorexic – and way to chipper for a Wally World employee. I quickly discovered her chipperness was probably the only thing that kept people from killing her after 5 minutes of conversation, she was dingy. As she came from where the patterns are, followed by a customer she announced that she was sorry, but she had been looking for a pattern *smile*. I nodded and waited. She and customer got into a discussion on how much fabric was needed for the garment that customer’s son would be making for some kind of school assignment. This involved much yelling back and forth between the customer and her son (he was wander around the section) and some debate between Jenny and the customer. I quickly realized that neither the customer nor Jenny had a fucking clue about sewing. While it was being debated as to how much fabric would be needed, Jenny casually mentioned that I knew exactly what I wanted and gave me brief but false hope that she would tell customer to hold on one moment while she cut my fabric for me, but it was not to be! I guess I had some minor bad karma to burn off this evening. Customer and Jenny came to a decision on how much fabric son would need and Jenny laid it out to cut it. Then the word *NOTIONS came up. Blank stares from customer and son, foggy look from Jenny – she had the concept but not a clue what was needed for this pattern even though it’s written on the back of the freaking pattern. *sigh* My patience was wearing thin, I had offered a few words of help during this time but I realized that if I EVER FUCKING WANTED MY LIFE BACK, I would need to assist these clueless people. I take the pattern and say “You need thread and Velcro. I’m sure you need elastic also.” Then ensues the conversation of why Velcro. Uggh! Fuck I don’t know, it just fucking says so on the package! That’s what I thought, I did not say though. I looked at the instruction sheet and could not find an answer, I gave her my best guess and told her to buy it. She asked if I was sure 5 or so times. I started telling her son to go find things so this painful experience could END. Customer and son got into a debate on just about EVERY FUCKING THING! But finally things were cut. They finally left, but not before the ever so chipper Jenny asked what I would be making with the furry fabric and I told her a coat for Cabbage Patch. You would have thought I had just freaking pulled a diamond out of my ass. Customer was so almighty impressed that she launched into a monologue of how she wished that she had learned to sew when she was in school, yadda, yadda, yadda. Customer almost wet her pants when I said I had made the coat last night. Jenny casually quipped “Oh yeah, she sews all the time.” I smiled at her thinking “Oh… so now you know what I do? You’re a mind reader? No, no, you’re just utterly and completly insane, the smile should have tipped it off for me.” I didn’t say anything, I just wanted her to finish cutting my fabric and for customer to stop fawning over me, thanking me for my assistance and just go away before she asked for my number incase she had questions later. *sigh* 30 minutes after I entered the fabric area, I was released from my prison and free to finish my shopping experience with K and the Tiny Terrorists.
Wearing The Wrong Size

Just read this. I have immages of drug stores with size charts like they have at shoe stores. heh.
Disjointed Notes

Stuff I Don't Need
Cape Cod Dark Russet potato chips are the best damn potato chips on the planet (I'm dyeing to try the Salt and Vinegar ones!).

I Rock
Super Girl loved her coat. She was extremely impressed with the lining I used (a fuzzy black fabric). She showed her sister the coat like one of the girls off Price Is Right. It was amuseing.

Inapropriate Laughter
Cabbage Patch loves to watch the Bear In The Big Blue House potty training video despite now being potty trained. At the beginning of all BITBBH episodes he starts sniffing and says 'What's that smell?' Leila sees Bear and thinks its Pooh Bear and starts yelling 'Pooh!' which never fails to make me laugh, "What's that smell?" "Pooh! Pooh!" heh and it is a potty training video. Yeah I know, I just lost my nomination for Mother Of The Year - and I didn't even go into details of how I laughed yesterday when she fell down and wet her pants.

Blast From The Past
I'm glad everyone has been so amused by my first ID photo. I've had several amusing comments about the gargantuan glasses I was wearing (hey, I thought they looked COOL back then!), the braids in my hair (I'm not even going to justify that fashion mistake) and that sweater (which I happen to STILL have). I'll have to dig around for some more photos from my High School Fashion Victim Days (it was the 80's I think every one was a Fashion Victim that decade), I know everyone will enjoy that.

Well I best go do some house cleaning and wash some clothes (so I'm not forced to wear that sweater!).

Last night we should have gone to the store. Someone should have gone to the store. I knew we were out of jelly and we needed light bulbs but I could not remember what else we needed. What else. We always need something else and I for the life of me could not remember what it was, although I KNEW it had to be important.

I implored K to go to the store. Well actually I suggested he go to the store when he went routing around the pantry for light bulbs and I informed him that I had single handedly replaced the living room light bulb the day before so we are now light bulbless. I said I knew we needed something else, bread maybe. He stared at me blankly. I said "Someone should go to the store, I know we need light bulbs, maybe bread and something else..." He started walking up the stairs as I repeated my conculsion that SOMEONE should go to the store (and it certainly could NOT be me as I was already in my jammies). I said something to the effect of it being obvious he wasn't going to go to the store as he was walking up the stairs and got a flat "shut the fuck up" look from him. Hmmmpf.

This morning Super Girl decended the stairs and as usual requested breakfast, her usual cereal. That is when I remembered "Oh yeah! We are out of cereal!" I asked her if she wanted oatmeal which she quickly refused with a twisted up face (BRAT). Cabbage Patch requested toast and was refused as there was only two pieces left to make lunch for Super Girl. The sulking and whining started. (not me, the kids) *sigh* Super Girl got some yogurt from the fridge, took two bites and declared it 'yucky' Cabbage Patch declined the offer of yogurt so I was left scrounging the pantry for breakfast for them. Vanilla waffers and milk. What? It's no worse than Frosted Flakes, probably better. The whineing subsides momentairly and I head to the pantry to make some oatmeal for myself. I discovered what else I need at the store. Splenda. Damn it. I've got three packets left. That's enough for one perfect cup of coffee and one okay cup of coffee. I choose to leave the Splenda for my coffee and instead use *horrors* sugar in my oatmeal. I RARELY ever have real sugar in my house. Why? Because I'll eat it. Not like standing in the pantry with a spoon shoveling it into my mouth or anything like that, but I'll bake (I also rarely ever have flour in the house either) and I'll eat what I bake and my ass will grow wider and wider - hell I'm convinced that just having sugar in the house makes my ass grow wider. But I digress. I made my oatmeal with brown sugar and cinnamon. I offered some to Super Girl as I don't want her going to school without a good breakfast and her eating breakfast at school is OUT of the question (especially after I dicovered that she HAD been eating breakfast at school nearly EVERY day - this is AFTER I had already fed her here at home!!! This discovery solved the mystery of why the lunch money I sent was not lasting as long as it should have been - untill then I was thinking that maybe the lunch prices had gone WAY up). I finally succeeded in getting her to try the damned oatmeal which she liked and she wanted, so I made some for her. Great now she had a good breakfast but we were not running late. I'm barking orders at her to EAT while I put her socks and shoes on her. *sigh*

All because we didn't go to the store last night.
Super Girl's Coat

I just finished making this. She's going to look so damn cute in this coat.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Fabulous Photo

Yesterday my new Texas ID came in the mail. I was pleasently surprised at how GOOD the photo was. This is probably the BEST photo I've ever had for photo ID. Don't take my word for it, see for yourself.

This was me at 18. Let's not even mention the hair.

This one is about 8 or 9 years ago. I affectionately call it the Weeble picture because I look like a fucking Weeble. I was about 50 lbs heavier than I am now and on steriods for a medical thing.

And THIS is my current photo! I'm so shocked that it looks good. I'm considering going back and getting my holiday photos taken there. :o)

Monday, November 29, 2004

How To Move Up A Notch On My Hit List

Ask me to reach down the garbage disposal to retreive something you dropped down there because your big ol' gorilla hands won't fit down it. I just love sticking my hand in squishy wet food scraped off the dinner plates.
It's Over

I'm glad Thanksgiving is over. I don't really like Thanksgiving.

Eh... I'm not motivated to write... well I'm really not in a good mood. I'm fighting the urge to draw little illustrations of how I feel but that would be just stupid, so I won't.

That's enough for now. I'm sure tomorrow I'll feel different.

Friday, November 26, 2004

Illustration Friday: Cling

This is how I seem to find most of my socks these days.

This is my very late submission for last weeks Illustration Friday: Regal

I was on my way to spend the weekend with XXX. XXX had a suggestion for Regal, which would have fit well, but might be a tad bit of too much information to be sharing. ;o)
Blogger Trouble

I'm not sure what is going on with blogger, I haven't been able to get to my actually blog page (and that of many other people as well). Very frustrating, I have photos of my delicious Thanksgiving dinner and a cute photo of Bea eating a pumpkin cookie piece.

Being Thankful

Last night before we ate (gorged on) Thanksgiving dinner Super Girl made everyone go through a list of what we are thankful for. She was funny, she would continue to prompt us "What else?" untill we finally told her we were done.

Here is my list:

I am thankful for my dear family, they support me when I need it and love me. What more could I ask for from them.

I am thankful for XXX being in my life, I never imagined love could feel like this. Thank you XXX for putting up with my crap.

I'm thankful for my dear friends and for the encouragement and support they extend to me. I am often humbled by the emotional generosity they have.

I am thankful for the opportunities before me and hope that I have the courage to take advantage of them and succeed.

Thats it for now, I need to get on to work.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Golden Nugget Squash

Recently I purchased the above mentioned squashed. It was something new to try and it was fairly cheap.

Last night I decided it would make a lovely addition to our steak dinners. Boy was I misinformed. It's not that it tasted bad or anything like that. To be honest I have no idea what it taste like at all. I could NOT cut it open. It is hard as a ROCK! At one point I asked K to come in and hold the squash so I woudln't end up cutting my fingers if it slipped. (HE DID!) After several minutes of trying to saw open the damn thing with a big serated knife, I finally set it aside for another day (when I could find my chain saw or at the very least a hacksaw).


I take back all the bad things I said about the hard as nails gold nugget squash. After cooking it's quite delightful. And how did I manage to cook it... well let me give directions on how to cook a Golden Nugget Squash.

First purchase one very hard golden nugget squash. Throw it at someone's head if you are you are uncertain of it's hardness. It should have about the same effect as throwing a coconut at someone's head. If not, look for harder squash.

Next head home with the intentions of makeing the squash for a quick addition to dinner.

Try to cut squash open with every cutting utensile in the knife drawer, briefly consider smacking it with hammer. Give up after a half an hour and only putting a small gash in the side. Put in fridge while muttering swear words under breath.

Day two, search the internet for how to prepare golden nugget squash and make sarcastic comments every time a recipe starts with "cut up squash". Find one vague reference to cooking the squash whole.

Place whole squash (with gash in side) in pan and bake in 350 degree oven until the small pumpkin next to it is fork tender (Hey, I needed to cook my pumpkin) which would be about an hour or two.

After pumpkin is cooked, remove pan and allow both pumpkin and squash to cool. Later, take large knife and start to cut open whole squash with gash in side. Be surprised at how easy it is to cut squash now. Remove seeds and add butter and salt to pulp, mix well and enjoy.

It's easy! :o)
Doing Like The Pilgrams

Except I have electricty, and running watter and I didn't have to kill my own turkey and I have a Thank-the-gods-for-this-invention microwave oven and instant potatoes (yeah, yeah, I know, burn me at the steak, I like instant taters). I do make my own pumpkin pie, right down to the crust.

This morning Super Girl and I have been cleaning the kitchen and making pumpkin pie. This is a landmark day for me. Today was the FIRST time that Super Girl was ACTUALLY helpful. Generally when the Little People 'help' it means that I have to watch and moniter everything they do and fix what doesn't get done. This morning was different, she actually did what was asked and did it right. We made pumpkin pie tarts together and she was a great help.

Cabbage Patch however was her usual 3 year old self, that is to say EVIL in a cute covering. I'm glad it's nap time for her as I'm tired of dealing with her constant argueing, hitting, biting and just being mean.

Back to baking.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004


I sometimes wonder if I only portray my love for XXX as purely sexual. If so I must appologize, it's simply not so. The sex IS fucking fantastic, but I was mad about him long before I drug him off for carnal pleasures. XXX is incredibly sexy, and he's intelligent - I go weak in the knees for a smart man, and if he's hot and sexy too, well I'm just a puddle. He's funny, so funny in fact he can make me laugh hard enough to make milk come out of my nose - even when I'm not drinking milk! A man with a good sense of humor is terribly important as I'm an incredible dork and say stuid things before my brain kicks in to stop the mouth. Laughter is almost as much fun as multiple orgasms. He's humble, arrogant men are as much of a turn off as stupid men. He's interesting, I love talking to him - and a man who is a good conversationalist is better than calorie/fat free Godiva chocolates (which don't exist, but they would be great). And most of all, XXX is just a great guy. I could go on for a while about what I like about him, but I know most of you are starting to feel light headed and nauseated already from the sickley sweetness of it all so I'll stop for now.

Anyway, it's not ALWAYS about sex with me. ;o)
The WHOLE Fucking Week!

That's how long Super Girl is off from school. It's day two of her break and I'm seriously considering suing the county for wasting my tax dollars that are supposed to be going to paying teacher salaries. I have never been more supportive of year round school than at this very moment.

Why does my kid get a whole fucking week off for Thanksgiving? I mean really. I don't recall ever getting a week off for Thanksgiving. Why do they need the WHOLE WEEK off? I'm looking forward to going to work on Thursday and Friday (and the weekend as usual).

Don't get me wrong I love my progeny dearly. I just don't see why one needs a week off right now. See screwing with the offsprings schedule is a disasterous proposition. As in my home becomes a disaster in a matter of seconds.

This is how my morning went. 7:20 AM I am awakened by the sound of Super Girl wanting breakfast. 15 minutes later Cabbage Patch joins us downstairs. I go to kitchen to make her breakfast. When both are eating I leave room (my first mistake) for a moment, when I return the tsunami of toys has over taken my living room floor. As I wade through the flood of toys and crap littering the floor I discover soggy Cherrios (with my bare foot no less) on the floor. 8 AM, breakfast is finish the requests for the clean up crew begins. 9 AM the requests continue. 9:30 AM the requests get more urgent. 10 AM the requests get more desperate (and angry). 10:15 AM my head spins around 7 times then pops off my neck and flies around the room like someone let go of an inflated balloon. When my head reattaches itself to my neck it's just an angry looking skull with flames shooting out of the eye sockets. The unearthly voice coming from the mouth is mine but sounds as though it's come from the very bowles of hell as I bark out orders and threats to the Tiny Terrorists. 'PICK UP YOUR DAMN SHOES!' is repeated more times than I can count but eventually the army of toys is beaten back and forced to retreat to their holding areas and every last scrap of damn paper is picked up off the floor. I was able to vaccuum and am pleased that all the sofa cushions are ON the couch. About the time I went to make lunch my skin returned to my skull and I extinguished my flaming eyes. Yes it really did happen that way, you're invited to the next incident, no flash photography please.

Things are back to normal for the moment but I'm still wishing they made Valium in a childrens chewable tablet.

On days like these occasionally I'm reminded that when Super Girl was an infant I had this insane thought of home schooling her. Bwhahahahahahahahahahaha!

Okay now it's time for my first cup of coffe for the day.

Monday, November 22, 2004

Bragging Because I Can

Have any of you ever had such a fabulous and amazing experience that you just HAD to tell other people about it no matter how dorky it may make you sound? Have any of you ever found something you thought you lost and were so freaking excited that you just had to tell all your friends? That's what I'm doing. I had both happen to me simultaniously this weekend. I'm sure you are wondering what I'm talking about, sex, that's what I'm talking about, sex. If you don't want to hear about my sex life (even vaguely) then now's your time to turn back.

Not only is XXX so damn sexy I have to make a concerted effort to keep my hands off him in public, he's also funny, intelligent and incredibly talented. Luckily for me he's talented in bed. *sigh* Yesterday morning we had the most amazing and incredible sex, and in the process of that the G-Spot was found! See, didn't I tell you he was talented?!?!?! I'm not sure if I should have a bronze plaque made for him or just send him a thank you note. Now don't get me wrong, we always always have really really wonderful sex, but Sunday morning was so good almost a religious experience... actually maybe it was, I do recall calling out to a higher power several times... *sigh*

He makes a damn good breakfast too! Am I not the luckiest woman in the world.
Weekend Update

I can sum it up in one word - spectacular. *sigh* What a nearly perfect weekend. Wish it could have lasted a bit longer. It was great though, I'm sure I'll be smiling about it for quite a while I'm sure. I hope XXX's neighbors didn't mind the noise too much.

More details on it later... maybe. ;o)

Yes Man, I'm Going To Tell Him, He Can Use A Laugh

Oh but the bus ride home. That was something else. As fate would have it, I did not get my usual sleep time on the bus on the way home. Some guy smelling of cheap booze started hitting on me. He asked what I had been doing in the city and I told him I had been visiting my boyfriend a bit later in the conversation he asked if I was going to tell my boyfriend that I had talked to him and I laughed saying that I was going to tell my boyfriend that some drunk guy was hitting on me on the bus. He said "No man, don't tell your boyfriend I was hitting on you!" This of course did not stop him from hitting on me and asking for my phone number no less than 10 times (said like this "You're gonna give me your number right?"). He was harmless and relatively nice when he wasn't trying to make moves on me. Here are some comical bits and pieces of the conversation that took place on the long ride home.

Him: That's too bad.
Me: What?
Him: That's too bad you got a boyfriend and you're faithful to him.
Me: Yeah that's too bad for you! HAHAHAHAHA!
Him: Awww man, did you just say that's too bad for me?

Him: *putting arm around me*
Me: *removing arm from around me* I don't think so.
Him: My arm is just tired. *putting arm around me again*
Me: *removing arm from around me again* Your arm can be tired right next to you.

(after brief discussion on breast implants and how one can tell fake from the real)
Him: Are those real? *pointing at my chest*
Me: Hmm??? Yes.
Him: Can I touch them?
Me: What? No!
Him: Oh come on, just let me feel them so I know the difference.
Me: NO! You got 4 kids, I'm sure you've felt enough real titties in your life. These one's aren't for you. *pointing to chest* Property of XXX.
Him: That's not even funny. I gave you that line. (the property of line in an earlier conversation)

Me: *removing his hand from my leg*
Him: Oh sorry, I thought that was my leg *putting hand back on my leg*
Me: *removing his hand from my leg again* Uh no.
Him: But... *moving hand back towards my leg*
Me: *blocking his hand* Hands off.
Him: awww...

Heh. He wasn't a total pig the whole ride to Dallas, early on since he was drunk he kind of rambled on and mumbled a lot. I did a lot of laughing at him, which he didn't seem to appreciate but it didn't disuade him in the least from hitting on me nor did it make him want to move. Ah well, I guess I need to try harder next time.

Friday, November 19, 2004

C-Section Comments

I read this article about how more and more women are delivering via c-sections. I read the line where it said that c-sections are still uncommon and almost choked on my coffee. That is so not true I thought. C-sections are VERY common. I work in a hospital taking photos of newborn babies, I know who has had a vaginal delivery and who has had a c-section. C-sectons are NOT uncomon. Then I thought of something else, c-sections are almost the norm in one of my hospitals, about even split in another hospital and not done often at the other hospital. What is the difference? I'll tell you. Economics. The hospital that has the MOST c-section is in a more afluent area and a majority of thoes who deliver at that hospital are at least firmly in the middle class earning bracket, many are in the upper class earning bracket (professional sport personalities wives, CEO's wives, doctors, etc.). Rarely do I see women who are Medicade patiences. At the hospital with the even split I see mostly middle income families and lower income families with a few Medicade patients. At the hospital with the lowest c-section rate I see mostly low income families, imigrants, people from rural communities further out and a lot of Medicade patients.

I agree with the statements of the article that people seek control over their lives, but I also see how economics makes doctors more willing to offer c-sections for convenience. Kind of sad really. I'll keep the rest of my comments and opinions regarding c-sections and child birth to myself as I KNOW I would offend some who read this site. ;o)

I do love flowers. I try to grow some every year (usually unsuccessfully). I love being given flowers for any reason. Cabbage Patch gave me the bunch you see above.

This morning as I walked Super Girl to the bus stop one of her class mates called out her name and met her with a flower in his hand. She turned to me and beamed, he gave her the best kind of flower for a 5 year old - a perfect, fluffy wish flower (the dandilon seed thingies that blow away). I wish I had of had my camera at that very moment.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

I'm Getting My Geek Card Revoked For Missing This

I totally missed that on the 15th D&D turned 30. As I've been telling all of my gaming friends for years and years, I am NOT a gaming geek, I just play the game and have since I was 9, but that does NOT make me a gaming geek, nor does the fact that I regularly attend AD&D games or that I have more than 10 characters on file or that I have a few characters that I have developed and played for a minimum of 5 years... that does NOT make me a gaming geek. I'm a part time gamer. I enjoy the company of my friends that's all.
Tonight's Message Brought To You By The Letter P...

As in P for PANIC. I'm leaving in less than 24 hours to spend the weekend with my sweetie (XXX) and I have nearly nothing done. It's time to panic. I haven't packed any clothes (probably won't need much though). Panic. I haven't packed the lingerie I plan to wear but won't even manage to put on. Panic. I haven't packed up my sex toys (don't worry, they WILL be going, even if nothing else get's packed BOB and Friends will be on this trip). PANIC! I haven't shaved my legs and they are really really frightening. Panic. I haven't done my illustration for Illustration Friday (although I do have a concept for something cool). Panic. I haven't EVEN started on the writing project that is now my hands as it's MY turn. PANIC!

*sigh* I let this stuff get to me, I swear I do, then I feel all stress and do things I don't mean to, like eat my Sacred Elvis Samich. Damn.

Well I have many many things to do, so I better get started.