Pity Party

Warning, you are about to enter my pity party, guaranteed to be absolutly selfserving and self centered.

Have you ever felt desperately alone? Do you remember what it was like to feel like you weren't part of any group in high school? Feel like maybe the only reason you were invited along was out of pity? Yeah that's where I'm at right now. I'm feeling acutely isolated. I really hate that.

I feel like some people who were very close to me are pulling away, wanting me to disapear from their lives. Just not calling when they said they would, not talking to me much anymore... I guess I'm easy to forget or annoying enough to want to forget.

I'm trying to make more friends, but even there I'm not sure I'm doing so well. I don't really think certain people really like me all that much. I think I try to hard and come off as desperate - I think that's probably true in all areas of my life. I had friends I would talk to all the time, every day and late into the night. Now I'm lucky if they answer me when I message them. Maybe I should just stop trying. Just give everyone what they want and leave them the hell alone.

I'm not sure why I'm going through this right now. I haven't felt this way since high school and now this is so foreign yet so familiar. Part of me says "fuck it, i'll go be a hermit. If people want me they'll let me know, just give up." the other part of me wholeheartedly disagrees and says to keep trying, but I'm not sure I'm up for more rejection. I don't know why I feel so alone and friendless, I think I'm a nice enough person, I bathe regularly, I don't think I'm frightening looking, I don't know, maybe I'm just not good enough.

That's my bigest fear in life, that I'm not good enough. Maybe I'm just not good enough to be anyone's friend, not good enough to be part of anything, my efforts just aren't good enough, my work is never good enough. I think that's it, I'm just not good enough. Alright then, I suppose I should start looking for a place to live out my life as a hermit and develop a love for owning multiple cats or dogs or something. Isolation is probably better than rejection.

No worries, I'm just really, really sad and lonely right now. I'll be fine tomorrow and I'll write some of my normal stupid things to entertain all 3 of you who read this blog.