Saturday, August 11, 2007

My AWESOME Birthday Cake!

Happy Birthday To ME! (yes I made that cake)
My FIRST B-day Gift This Year!

My cat gave it to me. She barfed on my bedroom floor right after the alarm went off. Isn't that sweet?!?!?!?!

I just want to let everyone know, just in case that was on anyones list of things to get me - I've already got it! So I don't need anymore cat vomit! Thanks anyway.

Okay, I'm off to work now - in a cat puke-free envirnment.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Shit That Only Happens To Me

The conversation just now happened:

Me, standing in the bathroom putting my makeup away. Cabbage Patch, in my bedroom talking to me.

Cabbage Patch: Mom, what is this called? It looks cool.

Me, turning to see her holding my camo print vibrator: *sputter* Uh..ah.. Stay out of my drawer! *snatching vib out of her hand*

Cabbage Patch: Yes ma’am.
MY Birthday Wish List

Since my birthday is Saturday and I'm sure MOST of you have waited until the last minute to shop for the occasion, I thought I'd make it slightly easier and put out a LIST of appropriate and most desired gift items.


The Super Hot Bread Delivery Guy from my store. This boy is a genuine MANSICLE and believe me he is EXACTLY what any woman would need on a hot summer day. Tight muscled body, a multitude of artful and tasteful tattoos, fabulous smile, shaved head and he's really nice! Sounds perfect, right? YES! So someone do me a favor and kidnap him for my birthday, he's very nice, just mention it's a temporary thing and it's for my birthday and he probably won't fight to much – which is good, I'd hate for him to have rope burn or be all tired out before I got him! Oh and don't drug him! I want him all peppy and full of energy upon arrival – I don't want to spend most of my time waiting for him to become conscious then explaining why he'd be naked in my bed room with comfortable restraints. So yeah, him and some whipped cream.

Super Sexy Geeky Comic Book Guy. Super sexy, fabulous eyes, great smile, shaved head (is that a theme for me?), sharp wit. Same rules as above – him and some whipped cream.

Vin Diesel. If I have to elaborate then you are dead. Same rules apply for him also. Mmmmm him and some whipped cream.

Bruce Willis - Oh damn, Mr. Die Hard himself. Same rules, him, LOTs of whipped cream locked in my bedroom.

Any combination of the above mentioned Mansicles. All four, three, just two, only one… whatever, you get the picture… or not… it's MY BIRTHDAY FANTASY, so stop thinking about it! (unless you are any of the mansicles listed above… then think about it… a lot… and call me.)

A new car. No not THIS, but I'd love THIS. Yes really, I've always wanted a hippy mobile minus the smelly hippys.

Some new TOYS would be lovely. And by TOYS I think you all know I mean BOBs (Battery Operated Boyfriends). THIS would be lovely or THIS or even THIS except I don't have an iPod so you'd have to buy one to go with it. (Links on side bar will help you shop for theses items!)

Rechargable Batteries. One woman can not have too many of these. ;) And if I kept them all charged all the time, then K wouldn't get pissed at me for stealing the batteries out of the TV remote. Oh Pu-lease, I have NEEDS, I won't be denied!

A new BOOK! I'm dieing for a copy of Stardust by Neil Gaimen (actually just about anything by him). And as long as you get me that, you might want to give me about 4 kid free quiet hours to read said book, k? Thanks!

A maid. Male, scantily clad with a totally hot body. He doesn't have to speak English, just clean well and look GOOD at it. And cook, he need to be able to cook. (dude, I can't find photos of that on the net so maybe they are like the Easter Bunny and Open Minded Republicans – just a myth!)

Starbucks. Coffee is ALWAYS the right answer.

Okay, you have the list now GO! GO! Out Shopping! Show your love for me with GIFTS!*

*notedon't buy me presents! Just tell me happy birthday. ;) Don't spend money on me!

Of course… if you DID happen to get any of the mansicles for me, I certainly wouldn't turn them away – I mean not after all that effort and all that would just be rude.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

How To Amuse Tiny Terrorists

Ahhhh nothing like shooting videos to keep the offspring from killing each other... I think the sound is a little loud tough.
I Got Nothin’

That’s exactly it, I have NOTHING for you today. Which is really no different than any other day really, so what the hell, I’ll blog anyway!

Birthday Kvetch

I turn 36 on Saturday (fuck you to all of you who are all “Wow, I totally thought she was older than that!”) and I have no plans! Well let me clarify, I have LOTS of offers for things to do, none of them are what I really WANT to do. I have an offer to go see Hairspray with two lovely gay men and the offspring, I have an offer to go to the rennie gathering, I have offers from various hot male persons who want to take me to dinner/movie/bed/dessert/etc. Honestly I don’t really want to do any of that. Eh, I’ll probably stay home and do laundry. I know, I’m exciting. Oh yeah, I just discovered that the milk EXPIRES on my birthday... is that a SIGN? Eh, probably not, I don't drink milk anyway.

Another Reason To Continue Making Voodoo Dolls

K is leaving to go out of town on business. He’s leaving the day after my birthday and won’t be home until the 20th. So not only do I get a whole week with the offspring BY MY SELF, but his trip is over my Birthday party!

Enough said… I need more pins for this doll…


Damn I hate doing laundry, and only because I have soooo damn much! Anyway, my love see is covered (as always) with clean laundry and my offspring are currently pretending the clean laundry is falling on them and eating them alive. Maybe I used too much fabric softener.

Disney Dreams

I’m thinking of bringing a class action lawsuit against Disney. Why? For all those damn movies I watched while growing up where the animals were helpful and helped the heroine clean house! I’ve been working relentlessly to teach my cats to help around the house and all I get from them is the occasional hairball thrown up on the floor. They are completely worthless. Anyone want to join me in my quest for justice from Disney induced delusions?

5 am Wake Up Call

I got up at 5 am today. On my day off, I got up at 5 am to walk around the park with a friend and my oldest progeny. That’s insane! I’ll do it again on Monday because, well I told her I would. What were you doing at 5 am this morning?

Okay, that’s all.. I told you I had nothing ;)
The Ridiculousness Of Casa De Karmically Challenged

Yesterday, about lunchtime I see Coco the Wonder Dog come striding out of the kitchen with a hot dog in her mouth. I voiced a question to both of my progeny, “Why does the dog have a HOT DOG?” The answer came from my youngest and least sane who scampered toward the kitchen with me in tow while saying, “I wanted to have hot dogs for lunch so I took them out!” Once in the kitchen I saw that indeed she had taken them out of the fridge, which leads me to say, “Cabbage Patch, we don’t put the hot dogs where the DOG can get them! Don’t put food on the step stool. Coco thinks it’s HER food.” And we wonder why the dog never eats her dog food.