Monday, January 02, 2006

Bath Time, Chocolate Cupcakes and Things That Vibrate

I knew that would catch your attention. I just got out of the bath (well not just, it’s been almost 2 hours now), it was a delightful bath. Something I rarely do… the BATH thing, not bathe in general, asshat. I am really a shower girl with the occasional HOT SOAKING BATH thrown in. Today I used the fabulous green tea bath stuff given to me as a gift. Ahhhhh… and I took a bath BY MY SELF. Despite their absolute cuteness at that very moment of life, I did NOT let the offspring join my bath thus ruining the effect of the HOT SOAKING BATH. Anyone with progeny knows how desperately difficult it is to tell two little ones NO to their pleas to bathe, especially when they have the delightfully chocolate smeared faces. BUT, I said NO because I wanted to take a bath ALONE. So I shoo’d them out of my bathroom and demanded they be sent to bed then commenced my bathing ALONE… well mostly. It was me and the two Piss On Me Bath Babies. What? You have no idea what a Piss On Me Bath Baby is? Let me tell you, it’s the physical incarnation of hate from the giver of this LOVELY toy to the parent of the child this is given. Yes HATE and a LOT of it. I mean honestly who the fuck thinks it’s a FABULOUS idea to give a little girl a doll that drinks AND wets??? It’s like giving someone a puppy who can’t be house broken and making sure that this dog has a 2 minute bladder and likes to drink. I don’t think anything that can piss on me is a good gift. AND the absolute BEST part of this doll is that it is billed as a BATH TIME doll also! YAY! Which means that it briefly was not in the bath tub after they opened the boxes, and it now spends 24/7 in the freaking tub. WHY?? Let me explain this. This doll has a little hole in it’s mouth so that an evil little person can feed it a doll bottle full of water, it also has a hole between it’s dolly legs so it can piss on whoever it’s being fed by (now who the hell thought THAT was fun??) This is all well and good (not really but go with me), but the doll has hollow doll arms and legs. These ALSO fill up with water, especially when this monstrosity is submerged in the bath tub, which happens several hundred times during a bath as a gleeful child will hold the doll under water as though trying to drown it like a crack whore babysitter then hold it up and giggle as the water empties from the doll saying “Look! She’s peeing on me!” which will cause any mother to develop a nervous twitch and make them gently tell their child to cut that the hell out. As for me, the first time it happened I had a horrible flash forward of my youngest progeny in a fetish club… I refused to think of the rest and just smacked her and her sister on the back of the head and told them to stop it or I’d have to set the damn dolls on fire (hey cut me some slack, I have to deal with catching both offspring on one of the posts of my four poster bed practicing their pole dancing after baths. It’s SCARY, I don’t want to think of anything WORSE than that.)

So I bathed and I decided that I didn’t want Baby Piss On Me or her sister Incontinence Girl to share the bath with me. I decided to empty them of their water (another reason to hate the dolls, they are ALWAYS full of water, so they HAVE to stay in the damn tub). I held the dolls up and allowed them to *ahem* pee. I squeezed their heads to hurry it the hell up. I shook the dolls to make sure they were empty, nope. I wiggled their arms and kept emptying the dolls. Still water. I finally realized I’d have to remove the damn dolls legs to get all the water out. So I did. Now there are two amputee dolls on the bathroom floor and for some reason that gives me great satisfaction.

On to other things… let me back track a bit.

As you recall, the Tiny Terrorists have been doing their best… er worst… um... whatever… They’ve been brats. Horrible little brats that make going out in public an embarrassment at best. The only comfort I could get was the sympathetic looks from other mothers at WalMart. ANYWAY, Wednesday of last week they joined me in my bedroom in the morning to watch a movie in my room, because for some reason that’s so much cooler than in the living room. So whatever, that meant I could sleep in a bit as they watched Muppet Treasure Island for the 500th time. I decided to get up before the movie was done and they said they wanted to finish watching the movie in my room. I had a moment of stupidity as I LET them. When I returned to the room 20 minutes later I saw them crouched in the middle of my bed looking at me while trying to HIDE something. I asked what it was and they claimed ignorance. I looked around and lo and behold they had done it AGAIN! They opened their Chanukah presents! And they were eating the chocolate gelt. I immediately felt a raging headache start and yelled something unintelligible to the Tiny Terrorist before demanding they get OUT of my room and go sit for time outs which might last for the rest of the fucking day! I then telephoned their father at work and got his voice mail so I left a message: “K, your children just opened up all of their Chanukah presents. Why don’t you give me a call.” He called back within 20 minutes with fear in his voice to asses the situation (and see if he needed to bring home a tranquilizer dart gun), offered to bring home dinner and offered me sympathy. They weren’t much better the rest of the day and that left me wishing someone would give me two large dog crates for Chanukah. Kent arrived home early and with dinner and a Chanukah gift for me... no, not a dog crate, but something that VIBRATES!!!

It’s not what you think, but I love it almost as much as BOB. It’s a vibrating neck pillow. It’s lovely. I wish it had a bed like that. The Tiny Terrorist were all about the pillow until I made them hold it on my neck as I sat here at the computer. Yes I did. I made them hold the pillow as punishment and they both LOATHED it. I think from now on they’ll have to hold that damn pillow every time they misbehave. Why not, they GIVE me headaches when they act like they are demon possessed, why not make them work to get RID of my headaches??

Anyway… that’s it for now. I’m tired. Happy New Year.