Friday, August 27, 2004


Due to L using the term 'Porking' in a post yesterday - I've been giggling and thinking of odd slang for sex.

In my search I came across some 'approved Christian slang' for sex. hehehe...
Emissionary Work
Insemenary School
The "Damned if you do..."
Proclaiming His name
Making a glorious noise
A broad missionary position
Daddy's Slip n' Slide
Doing the Lords work
Parting the red 'C'
Sharing the secret recipe
Putting a round in the chamber
Ignoring the clitoris
Dying and going to heaven

Some of thoes are just stupid.

And now for the NON Chrisitian approved

Makin' Bacon
Riding the pony
Slopping hogs
"O" facing
Bumping pretties
get it on
nooky (love this one)
getting a piece of ass
make whoopee (I believe that was a popular activity in the 70's with newlyweds)
sleep with
make love
make it
do it
go at it
get it on
get some
get the little man wet
get the dick wet
wet the Willie
put the weiner in the bun
make a meat sandwich
dip the stick
party or party-on-down
to dick-dip or dick diving
roll in the hay, mattress polo
coffee table or pool table lumbago
fusion & fission
getting in/into the pink or getting the pink
performing the wifely duty
get oil changed

So there it is. Next time you're at a loss on how to phrase your latest exploits while bragging to your friends, refer to the list. Good night and happy pickle-poking.

This morning we saw an unexpected sight - three baby ducks! I thought at first it was three baby geese as there was a Big Ass goose standing next to the three baby ducks. I guess she was baby sitting.

Thursday, August 26, 2004


Here are some photos of the ducks Cabbage Patch and I feed in the mornings. Some of the ducks are unique looking and I've named them (what? I've got to entertain myself ya know!).

Cow and Hairy.

These are Spot and the White Pair - they are always together.

This guy was hanging outside my door the other day, the kids insisted it was a leaf that was a grasshopper not a grasshopper who looked like a leaf.
Piggy Problems

I'm a dumbass sometimes. A few days ago after cleaning the Little People's room I brought Piggy down to be washed. Piggy is one of Cabbage Patch's favorite bedtime toys. She loves pigs. This piggy is really soft and is filled with these little white pellet things. Makes for a very huggable piggy.

Anyway, I brought Piggy down to wash. I noticed a small tear along the seamline in the back. I looked closely and it looked as though piggy had a lining under it's first piggy layer. I looked, I shook piggy, I checked if pellets fell out. Nothing. It appeared that piggy was in no danger of pellet leakage.

Piggy got tossed in the wash with everything else. 30 minutes later I entered the laundry room to discover white pellets all over the top of the washer, all over the inside of the washer. Shit. Piggy actually looked pretty good despite the pellet loss. Piggy got put on the table to dry. The dryer filtered out the pellets on the clothes - most of them. It's days later and many wash loads ago that the Piggy incident happened yet my washer is still burping up white pellets all over my clothes. I'm wondering if this makes all my clothes pretend unKosher since they all have been washed in pretend Piggy innerds?
Real Life -vs- The Internet

Watch this.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Something Stupid For Today

Opportunity will knock
...or maybe it's a hungry
grizzly bar.....
Ma!, git mah gun!

Billy's tells your fortune!

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Stupid Conversations Or The Shit That Comes Out Of My Mouth

This is how a conversation just went between me and K.

K: Do you want to say good night to Bea (the gerbil)? (question not directed to me, but to the youngest of my offspring)
Me: Do you want a drink of beer Bea? (moving beer toward Bea)
K: *shooting me surprised yet dirty look*
Me: Kidding.
K: Yeah... *putting Bea back in cage*
Me: (whispering) It's okay Bea, I'll give you some when he's gone. Just a little bottle cap full should be enough.
K: *shooting me another dirty look*
Me: Kidding! Kidding! You can stop giving me that 'I'm gonna call PETA on you, I better take the poor gerbil to work with me tomorrow' look! You know I'd never do that. Come on, have I ever drugged our children?
K: Yes.
Me: Uh! No, I'm not talking about the Benadryl times, I mean illegal things! Besides there were VERY few Benadryl times.
K: *Walking away, rolling eyes.*
Me: *shaking head as he walks away, just knowing my chances of getting Mother Of The Year are once again dashed.*

And now - a conversation between me and XXX.

XXX: why do you want an Oompa Loompa?
Me: Who wouldn't want one????!!!
XXX: ummm, me
XXX: their creepy
Me: Oh well.. Ok.
Me: It would be fun to make them sing their song a few times then make them clean the house
XXX: scrub the toliet you orange freak!

heh, god I love that man.
More Letters In My Head

Dear Sir In The White Van;

Thank you for making my driving experience eventful this afternoon. It's not often that some enormous prick fails to yield while entering the highway nearly plowing into my little white car causing me to slam on my breaks. To top it all off you lovingly told me I was number one when I alerted you to your asshole status in this world by honking my horn.

It really is a pity that although you did exit at the same exit I did, you did turn the opposite direction. I was having nearly orgasmic fantasies involving you and me - yes you and me. I would have loved to tell you exactly how much of an inconsiderate fuck-head you were and how I was surprised the DMV would give licenses to such brainless monkeys. But alas my pleasure was never to be discovered as you made a U-turn and I had to fill up. Fucker.

In closing I'd like to say, have a nice day and please try to pull your head out of your ass before you drive next.

The Bitch You Almost Hit

Dear Friends and Family Who Claim To Love Me;

Why do you secretly hate me? Really, why? Is it my outspoken nature? Is it that you think I don't have any hobbies or interests to occupy my time? Is it because I'm beautiful? Do you hate me because I'm beautiful? (heh, kidding) Or is it my big butt? Whatever it is, please find other ways to torture me other than buying my children shit-loads of toys for me to continually clean up. I spent 2 hours cleaning the toy area today. Two fucking hours! Picking up tiny doll dresses and doll furniture, sorting blocks and stuffing play clothes into bins. I took a large box and a half full garbage bag of crap to the dumpster. Toys with missing pieces, things I just could not bear to pick up even one more time, broken crayons, things I couldn't identify other than it being a toy.... you name it. Please find other ways to lavish your attention and love on my progeny. Books are good, clothes work, art supplies are wonderful, money is great, stocks and bonds work also. No more dolls with a collection of tiny little pieces and accessories to loose, no more stuffed animals, no more plastic crap to break, no more fucking McCrappy Meal toys!!! Honestly, the Little People have toys, plenty of toys, enough toys to take care of all the children in a small third world country I believe. If you really do love me, you will restrain yourself. If you really do hate me please find other ways to torture me/kill me. Poison, Voodoo dolls, steak through the heart, silver bullets, a cross, garlic... no wait... I love garlic... I digress.

Much warmth,

Virtual Vacation

No, no I'm not planning another fictitious vacation with imaginary people to far off destinations again. It's the Little People. Being little has some serious advantages. Cartoons are more than just escapism; they are an extension of reality. To them things that exist in cartoons most certainly exist in real life, people in cartoons are real Technicolor friends and fantasy fun lands that only exist on the television are most certainly places to plan a vacation to.

I've gotten used to the sudden begging that happens anytime the Little People see a Disney Land commercial. Advertisements for 6 Flags Over Texas cause a similar reaction and actually driving past the 'magical wonderland' of 6 Flags can spark begging, crying, arguing and threats. It's a joy. Often times the Little People will see a cartoon destination and with wide eyed amazement they will turn to me pleading "Can we go there?" Usually a circular conversation then takes place about how it's not a real place (but I just saw it), it's a made up place on the cartoons (Chuckie just went there) and not everything in a cartoon is real (???!!!). These requests and subsequent conversations either amuse the hell out of me or rub that very last Mom Nerve raw. Our most recent virtual fun land is EuroReptarLand from Rugrats In Paris. I get a giggle every time they see Reptar Land and turn to me with the sweetest look and sat 'Pleeeeease! Pleeeeease! Can we go? Pleeeeeease!' heh.

Well I best go, have to start planning out trip to Reptar Land

Monday, August 23, 2004

What A Day For A Day Dream

Today has not been a good day. There have been GOOD parts, but as a whole it's not been good. Nothing BAD has happened really unless you count me NOT finding my license, me NOT being as compassionate and sympathetic as I should have, me BEING selfish and childish and me ending up feeling like a primo ass on top of me already feeling kind of isolated and lonely. *sigh* At least my pets still like me and the Little People are still talking to me and K hasn't tried to kill me recently. Enough of all that, I don't want to talk about it really - I've already done far too much internal dialogue today. On to other things.


I was flipping through the only parenting magazine I get, Child - which to be honest I don't like parenting magazines as a whole, the only reason I get Child is because it is a gift subscription, but I dislike most of the articles and absolutely hate a lot of the advertising. I keep it in the bathroom for reading materials. Today I flipped to the back of the magazine and saw a photo charm bracelet that was to DIE for. It's made by Brag, Inc. and it says you can mail or e-mail your photo and they will make a charm with your photo. I went to the website and almost choked on the price of the bracelets, so I looked at the price of just the charm. I had to just stop looking at that point. Sticker shock would be a horrible thing to have the coroner put on the death certificate as the reason for my demise (I want it to be something much more interesting).

Fuck. I managed to somehow loose my drivers license. I rented movies on Friday night and Sunday night when I went to return the movies and rent some more, my liscense was GONE. Damn it. I'm not sure where I lost it - I think one of the Little People may have been messing around in my purse and took it out. Damn it. I'll be spending the day scrounging through house looking for the damn thing.