More Letters In My Head

Dear Sir In The White Van;

Thank you for making my driving experience eventful this afternoon. It's not often that some enormous prick fails to yield while entering the highway nearly plowing into my little white car causing me to slam on my breaks. To top it all off you lovingly told me I was number one when I alerted you to your asshole status in this world by honking my horn.

It really is a pity that although you did exit at the same exit I did, you did turn the opposite direction. I was having nearly orgasmic fantasies involving you and me - yes you and me. I would have loved to tell you exactly how much of an inconsiderate fuck-head you were and how I was surprised the DMV would give licenses to such brainless monkeys. But alas my pleasure was never to be discovered as you made a U-turn and I had to fill up. Fucker.

In closing I'd like to say, have a nice day and please try to pull your head out of your ass before you drive next.

Sincerely,
The Bitch You Almost Hit

Dear Friends and Family Who Claim To Love Me;

Why do you secretly hate me? Really, why? Is it my outspoken nature? Is it that you think I don't have any hobbies or interests to occupy my time? Is it because I'm beautiful? Do you hate me because I'm beautiful? (heh, kidding) Or is it my big butt? Whatever it is, please find other ways to torture me other than buying my children shit-loads of toys for me to continually clean up. I spent 2 hours cleaning the toy area today. Two fucking hours! Picking up tiny doll dresses and doll furniture, sorting blocks and stuffing play clothes into bins. I took a large box and a half full garbage bag of crap to the dumpster. Toys with missing pieces, things I just could not bear to pick up even one more time, broken crayons, things I couldn't identify other than it being a toy.... you name it. Please find other ways to lavish your attention and love on my progeny. Books are good, clothes work, art supplies are wonderful, money is great, stocks and bonds work also. No more dolls with a collection of tiny little pieces and accessories to loose, no more stuffed animals, no more plastic crap to break, no more fucking McCrappy Meal toys!!! Honestly, the Little People have toys, plenty of toys, enough toys to take care of all the children in a small third world country I believe. If you really do love me, you will restrain yourself. If you really do hate me please find other ways to torture me/kill me. Poison, Voodoo dolls, steak through the heart, silver bullets, a cross, garlic... no wait... I love garlic... I digress.

Much warmth,

Judy