Day One Of Spring Break
AKA – Hell At The Hands Of The Tiny Terrorists

7:30 am – Awakened by small children gleefully screaming for my consciousness. Note to self, must explain to them that 7:30 am is not considered SLEEPING IN, it’s just considered waking up late.

7:35 am – Question offspring as to why she’s naked, look at her questioningly when she babbles something at me, then tell her to just get dressed as I walk to the kitchen to make breakfast.

7:40 am – Walk upstairs to ask K why he’s still at home since it’s almost 8 am!! Tell offspring to put on clothes again, tell other progeny to put the cat down.

7:41 am – Walk down the stairs while muttering ancient voodoo curses aimed toward K because he doesn’t have to be at work until 10:30am and he’s still SLEEPING. Consider sending offspring up to play with Daddy. Tell naked offspring to GET DRESSED NOW. Smack other progeny on the back of the head and free cat from her clutches amid her LOUD protests.

7:42 am – Remember breakfast when the smell of burning pancakes enters my nose. Swear loudly and run to kitchen. Announce that the black pancake is for DADDY with a giggle then wash out pan and start over.

7:43 am – Tell offspring they CAN play games on the lap top just so I don’t have to hear them scream at each other anymore or torture the poor cat. Decide that a towel wrapped around the naked offspring is close enough to clothes and go back to kitchen to finish making pancakes.

7:45 am – Tell offspring to start setting the table as I put rock hard margarine in the microwave for 10 seconds to soften it. Pour more batter in pan.

7:46 am – Remember now liquidified margarine in nuker, snap open door and proceed to spill half of the margarine in microwave, down my arm and on cooking pancake. Repeat the swearing loudly.

7:47 am – Tell offspring to set the table AGAIN. Flip more pancakes, wonder why they are sticking, curse self for not just making WAFFLES… or cereal… cereal would be made by now. Done. No standing in the kitchen. Ponder my sanity and lack of sleep due to preschooler in my bed at 3 am.

8:00 am – Threaten progeny into setting the damn table. Return to kitchen to get plates of pancakes and glasses of milk.

8:05 am – Remember bacon damn it! Start turkey bacon in microwave while eating pancake standing in kitchen.

8:08 am – Tell progeny to NOT TOUCH THE CAT with syrup on their hands.

8:10 am – Retrieve bacon from microwave – nothing like the smell of turkey bacon. Go to pass out the bacon and be shocked that pancakes are completely consumed. Whatever, return to kitchen for coffee.

8:15 am – Tell offspring to stop fighting and to NOT TOUCH MY COMPUTER with their syrupy cat fur covered hands. Tell them to pick up dishes in tone that makes them ACTUALLY do it. Return to kitchen for coffee. Think of how much I hate the school system for SPRING BREAK.

8:20 am – Remove cat from progenies’ hands. Absorb evil eye being directed at me from syrup sticky cat and tell offspring to take a bath. Return to kitchen for coffee… maybe it’ll get made this time.

8:21 am – Pick up explosion of clothes (and towel) in living room from excited for a bath progeny. Ponder why they aren’t still sleeping. Listen as they start the bath water. Take a moment to Hate K for still sleeping.

8:25 am – Pray the floor is dry in the bathroom as I go check on bath progress. See both offspring and the entire Barbie population in tub. Tell progeny to stop washing Babies’ hair with my body wash. Roll up eyes, walk out of bathroom to read news and drink coffee. Oh yes coffee! Must make coffee! Consider making voodoo dolls of school officials as retribution for SPRING BREAK.

8:26 am – Hear splashing from bathroom that fill my soul with dread. Walk back to bathroom and discover offspring and Barbies reenacting the sinking of Atlantis. Feel headache starting. Throw down towels to sop up mess, repeat threats to offspring. Head to laundry room for more towels.

8:30 am – Sit down to read news and curse school system for stupid fucking spring break.

8:40 am – After 5th trip to the bathroom to tell progeny to quiet down, remove them bodily from bath and instruct them to find clothes.

8:41 – 8:50 am – Repeat instructions to GET DRESSED. Repeat hating K for sleeping in. Repeat curses to school system. Damn Spring Break!

8:51 am – Remove naked offspring from banister and DRESS them. Consider Valium cookies for them. Consider heavy drinking for me.