Oh How I Love Things That VIBRATE!

Ahhh, but before I elaborate on the above fact (which is completely obvious to most people who know me) I must go into how very, very EVIL the Tiny Terrorists were today. Wait… wait... I need to go back a day and tell about THE CHINEESE RESTAURANT EXPERIENCE OF DOOM or How The Tiny Terrorists Gave Everyone A Reason To Keep Birth Control Available To EVERYONE. I swear yesterday my offspring were a good argument to keep abortion legal… even retroactive abortion. *sigh*

Anyway… The plan was for Badra to come get myself and the Tiny Terrorists so we all could go have a NICE lunch with Lerxst and Sable. We planned this a while back and it SEEMED sane at that time. I had taken Cabbage Patch out with Badra several times and she was always very good. I’ve been over to Lerxst and Sable’s with both offspring before and never felt the urge to lock them in a kennel so I was FAIRLY comfortable with this.

That morning I bathed both and dressed them in matching dresses then fixed their hair in matching hair styles (yes I know, obsessive). Badra arrived and the Little People were still sweet. We drove over to Lerxst and Sable’s all the while listening to the Chanukah Kids Songs CD Badra got for the Little People. Well I THOUGHT they were listening, but now I realize they were plotting and planning. We arrived and the Tiny Terrorists were gifted with a gift so evil and despised that I immediately planned to put it in the offspring’s luggage for when they spend the weekends with their daddy and Mr. B. hehehehe… Its fart putty. All it does is make fart noises and I knew that K would hate it so much he’d put out a Gay Mafia hit on whoever bought it for the progeny. So… Lerxst and Sable, if ever you find yourself being tailed by what looks to be the cast from Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, I suggest you duck into a Pier One or an Old Navy to get away from them.

The next thing that happened sent up red flags but for some gawd forsaken reason I kept my fool mouth shut. As we ADULTS were discussing where we should dine and all being terribly undecided, Sable turned to one of the Tiny Terrorists and asked her what she would like to eat. As a parent I’ve learned that unless that child is actually PAYING for the meal, the child should never ever make the decision on where to dine. Honestly, why would you trust someone who considers Chef Boyardee to be gourmet food and macaroni and cheese to be a staple that all meals should be built around. Super Girl surprised me by saying ‘Chinese’ and off we went.

As soon as we sat at the table and got menus I knew this would not go smoothly. I was fully expecting this to be a buffet place, which is actually mostly safe fro the offspring as they can choose their own food and there is an actual chance that Cabbage Patch will actually EAT something. I negotiated with Super Girl on food and pretty much ignored Cabbage Patch who had switched into BRAT mode the moment we got back in Badra’s truck. I scanned the menu and saw that there was nothing that Cabbage Patch would actually EAT on there save possibly some fried rice. I asked Super Girl three times if she wanted beef and broccoli since she likes that, but she insisted that she wanted SOUP. The special was Moo Goo Gi Pan and I recalled that we (me and the offspring) had eaten that once while out with D so I went ahead and ordered that since it came with SOUP and FRIED rice, I figured there was a CHANCE that Super Girl would eat the soup and some of the veggies. Cabbage Patch wasn’t going to have anything other than air and discontent.

The soup arrived and Super Girl was shocked to see what egg drop soup was and thought it was gross – more negotiations over her actually TRYING it before saying it’s nasty. Much whining had already started from Cabbage Patch who was bitching saying she wanted something else, pizza or something (she never wants what we are having unless it’s macaroni and cheese). Our food arrived and THEN the real bitching began. Cabbage Patch refused to touch ANYTHING. Super Girl only wanted soup but not the soup that was brought to her. I ordered her a bowl of wonton soup and people tried to bribe her and her sister into eating. I continued to mutter threats under my breath to the offspring with mixed results. Super Girl ate some of her soup and started eating the veggies out of what I ordered for them and from other people’s plates, but Cabbage Patched switched into WHINE OVER DRIVE. She bitched about wanting noodles so I ordered her a plate of just noodles and when they arrived they were the WRONG kind of noodles. She refused to even touch them. She scowled and whined… loudly. I finally had enough. I took her off to the bathroom to have a TALK with her where she was told to shut the whining up and that she didn’t have to eat but she did have to shut up and finally that if she whined again I would take her back to the bathroom and spank her. We returned to the table where she sat with her arms crossed, scowling at the world… but she was silent. We finished lunch in relative peace and I took home a lot of left overs. (eyes rolling up in head)

And how I wish that was the END of this horrid saga, but it’s not. The EVILNESS continued… More to come (and, uh... the explanation on the VIBRATING part, for now I must just leave you hanging though.