Have a Holly, Jolly… Eh, Whatever…

So I haven’t really gotten much accomplished today and that’s kind of sad. I’m not terribly motivated to do much, though I do have a mountain of laundry just waiting to be washed and folded and many many places in my humble abode that need a good cleaning, dusting and vacuuming, but here I sit in front of this damn computer typing away. Honestly it only takes me 10 or 20 minutes to write this so no more than the time it takes to suck down a nice hot cup of coffee (which I AM doing right now – must have caffeine!).

This is so crazy, the holiday time; this is both my FAVORITE time of year and my MOST DREADED time of year. I love spending time with friends and family and I love all the festivities with the progeny, but I HATE all the commercialism and stress. And quite frankly, I have ENOUGH day to day stress without the holidays. AND, I’m just feeling down right now. I whined to The Wife earlier so I probably already used up all my WHINE time and should just shut the fuck up and move on. I mean I have the BEST and MOST WONDERFUL friends in the whole damn world around me, so many people who I could call in the middle of the night and cry on their shoulder if needed, that alone should leave me with enough warm fuzzies to carry me through the rest of the year if not the whole next year, but I’m still feeling down. Maybe it’s just holiday grumpiness or maybe it’s that I’m a little down that I have no one to share the holidays with – no I’m not talking about friends, I’m talking about hanging the mistletoe over the bed and sharing in some holiday naked spank-tastic fun on that special gift giving night. I have no one to buy a cute little thong with a driedel on it and ask them to play some games with me. This would not suck so badly IF K was in the same boat! Yeah, I know, what a bitch of me, but ya know that they say ‘misery loves company’, you can just call me M and come on over for some cookies. K has a boyfriend to share the holidays with and snuggle with and give inappropriate gifts too late at night while warming the lube and handcuffs. Me, I have Bob, Bob and Bob Jr. to change the batteries in. None of the Bob’s shop. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, you don’t want to read about me whining about not having a SPECIAL someone to share the holidays with – I’m not talking SEX, I have plenty of places to get that, just someone to worry about giving the PERFECT gift to (A blow job, right?). Eh, whatever, enough of that, on to other reasons I dislike the holiday!

After my parents divorced, the holidays pretty much sucked. Apparently my dad was the one with the Santa connection. That sucked because mom didn’t seem to have the pull with Santa that dad did or Santa just didn’t like poor kids with pot head relatives and psychotic grandmothers, because he never got me what I asked for after that. Fucker. I’ll never forgive him for the year he brought me the giant yellow stuffed chicken and he brought my sister the every so beautiful giant ballerina doll! WTF? A giant fuzzy yellow chicken??? What little girl wants that? Asshole. Another year he got D and I green bowls with eyes and feet! Bowls! Of all the things! I remember asking for a Barbie NOT a stupid fucking BOWL! The next year the mutha fucker brought me a Strawberry Shortcake doll. Sheesh, I was like 10! He should have just put a sign on my jacket that said I needed to get my ass kicked because I was a pussy. Every year it was like Santa himself was just looking for a way to insult us. Santa is a bastard who only likes the rich white kids!

So now I have kids and I don’t want the holidays to suck for them. But it’s hard when stores start playing horrific holiday music 3 minutes after Halloween ends! Well that and I’m a Jew so I don’t do all that Santa crap anyway – but K does, for the kids, I just tell them to talk to their dad when ever they mention Xmas. And the kids love Chanukah. But who the hell wouldn’t like a holiday with 8 days of presents and donuts! Beat that Santa Bastard! But I digress..

P is for Penis

Super Girl just finished her homework and I was looking over it and saw what looked like P-E-N-I-S written in one area. I politely asked her what it was supposed to say and she replied ‘parents’ to which I told her she had to correct that word as what she wrote is not a polite word (well really I didn’t want a note from the teacher asking what the hell kind of story I had read to her). Super Girl perked up and insisted on knowing WHAT the word was she had written (I’m sure so she could repeat it 20 times tomorrow morning before she got to school then a few more times so she could be sure to get a call home from school). I didn’t tell her the word, just forced her to write PARENTS. I did however mumble to someone on the phone that P-E-N-I-S was the proper spelling for ‘boyfriend’ hehe… At least it wasn’t D-I-L-D-O.

I’m sorry this post makes no fucking sense. My day has kind of been like that though. Probably not enough coffee.